Stingy blokes. Considering Buffy had pulled their fat out of the fire and literally saved the world on what seemed like a yearly basis. To make it worse, it came with strings attached.

Spike had been floored when Giles had called and asked him to be the one to complete the monthly reports the council required.

“Knowing Buffy’s antipathy toward written language I was hoping you would consent to this duty.”

“Why not Red? She could type ‘em up in a heartbeat on that spiffy laptop of hers.”

Spike heard a sharp indrawn breath and the rustle of fabric. He was almost certain Giles was cleaning his glasses again.

“No, Willow’s magical studies are keeping her occupied for the time being.”

Spike wondered if Giles was as unsettled as he about Willow’s newly heightened powers. She’d been down right scary lately, and that forgetting spell bordered on abuse. Spike had seen it happen before. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The only thing he hoped was that when it came time for someone to take her down, that it wouldn’t have to be Buffy.

The paperwork wasn’t too bad. The council had just requested statistics on the numbers slain and what types of demons, if known, plus a narrative. He would have given his fangs to know if Ripper had told the council just who was filling out their bloody paperwork. Even though Buffy signed them, he was being a proper secretary and putting his initials at the bottom. Just to see if anyone would comment.

Spike checked the anniversary clock on the Summer’s mantle. The late afternoon sunlight streamed in around the edges of the closed curtains casting the motes of dust in the air into bas-relief. Three o’clock, another two hours before Buffy would be home. He pulled his boots down from the newly repaired oak coffee table with a thud.

“I swear permission or no permission I’m going to dig a tunnel to the sewers from here. I’m getting tired of being trapped in the house all day every time I stay over”, he groused as he stomped down the basement steps. He might as well get started on the latest council report.

He’d cleaned up the corner Joyce had used for a study to do his own writing. Thank goodness the hard drive had been sitting above the water line when the basement flooded. Spike figured he’d surprised Buffy with how fast he had taken to word processing. For a girl born at the end of the twentieth century she was remarkably illiterate about computers.

He’d taken over Joyce’s old computer to use as his own. Knowing Buffy was unlikely to touch the computer in the basement, and that Nibblet had her own in her room had some benefits. He’d even started writing poetry again, password protected of course. That thesaurus was a gem. Not that much rhymed with Buffy except huffy and stuffy, and while those words described his beloved’s less enduring moments he didn’t figure he’d gain any bonus points by setting them to pen.

“Now what did I save those forms under?” He typed in Watcher. Nothing. Ok, Watchers Council. Nothing again. He drummed his fingers on the keyboard and typed council reports. Still nothing. He hit the browse button and a list of all the files appeared. He slowly scrolled through them. They were in alphabetical order. When he got to the J’s he paused, “Well, well, what have we here?

He clicked on the icon to open the file. Multiple subfiles appeared, each titled JJ followed by a year. “Joyce’s Journal, I wonder if Buffy knows it’s here? I doubt it, but more importantly, I wonder if she said anything about me?”

He tried to remember the date when he and Joyce first met. Not when she slammed an axe into the back of his head, but the time he had rescued Dawn from Angelus and used her to work a truce with the Slayer. Joyce had seen her oldest daughter dust a vampire up close and personal that night for the first time. Things tended to blur after the first hundred years or so, but he was fairly sure that was in1998 sometime in the spring. He quickly scrolled down to that year and settled in for a read. Surprisingly the journal did not start in January as he had been expecting. It started in June.

Buffy has been gone for 3 weeks now. Her friends say she hasn’t contacted them. I’m not sure I believe them. Mr. Giles assures me that he would know if she were dead. Even though I don’t trust him, I have to believe that. If I didn’t I ‘d go crazy. I‘ve been drinking myself to sleep. It got so bad that Dawn called Linda, from our book club, to drag me to a therapist.

Her name is Dr. Trenton. I don’t know what to say to her. I sit and stare at the pattern in the oriental rug on the floor. She says I keep too much inside, and she wants me to start keeping a journal to give my feelings an outlet. What am I supposed to say to her! That monsters are REAL, that my daughter is a VAMPIRE SLAYER. I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I hadn’t seen that man change and crumble to dust just inches from me.

Mr. Giles has given me a crash course on what a Slayer is. I hate him. I hate him. He’s taken her away from me and changed her into something I don’t know. And now she’s gone. It’s my fault….

Spike released the breath he didn’t need to hold. He hadn’t realized that Buffy had run away; actually tried to quit being a Slayer for a while. He scrolled forward a few more pages and continued to read. Most of it was boring stuff but some of it was gut wrenching. When he’d known Joyce, she never seemed to have such a hard time dealing with her daughter’s Slayer powers, but it was all here, the pain, the anxiety, the helplessness, and the need protect Buffy and Dawn from things she could barely imagine. Thankfully, there were some funny bits too. As it was it was one hell of a read.

I can’t believe it. It was wonderful. It was crazy. I was sixteen again and I slept with Rupert. Oh, god. Oh, god. It felt so good. No responsibilities. No worries. Buffy and Dawn were only distant dreams.

Isn’t that terrible of me? I didn’t care, I felt so free. I had been so angry at Buffy for playing Rupert and I against each other. On the way over to his apartment, I spied that damn box of candy that Buffy had stuck me with. I just started eating one as I drove, and suddenly, I was jamming with the radio. When I got to Rupert’s I couldn’t even remember why I was there, so I offered him a candy bar. Things got hot from there. We ate some more chocolate, smoked some weed that he had and started making out on the couch. Making out, I haven’t even thought of that term since I was in high school.

His mouth and hands were all over me. He has wonderful hands. When he started rubbing my mound I came almost instantly. Pieces of clothing just seemed to fall off, and though we tried to make it up to his bedroom we ended up doing it on the stairs. A little bumpy all things considered, he drove into me like a stevedore. It was much better when I got to be on top. I came- twice!

Then Buffy walked in. Thank god we were dressed by that time. I don’t think she suspected anything….

That old randy goat, he’d never realized that Ripper had shagged the Slayer’s mum. Damn, it sounded like they’d had a time of it. Shouldn’t be too surprised, Buffy had to get that wild streak from somewhere. He continued to read, but when he got to the part about them doing it on the hood of the police car he’d had to stop. It wouldn’t do for Little Bit to catch him wacking off in the basement. Taking a deep breath, he scrolled onward.

Ah! He’d spotted his name. Spike remembered that night; he’d been so torn up over Dru. He’d come looking for the Slayer to tell her he had her friends, but she hadn’t been home. Joyce had welcomed him as a friend and offered him hot chocolate with marshmallows of all things. Spike shook his head and closed his eyes; he could picture her in the kitchen as if it were yesterday. He had wondered if she had ever realized how close he had come to feeding on her. Even thought of turning her for a second or two so he could keep her forever, making hot chocolate and giving advice. Given the way things had turned out maybe he should have. Red could have ensouled her before she had even made her first kill, he rationalized. Naw, knowing Buffy, she’d have felt obligated to stake her. He had a feeling that Nibblet would have gone for it though.

Well, it’s been an interesting evening (please note my sarcasm). I‘ve come to the conclusion that I don’t know my oldest daughter and probably never will. I don’t know why I even try. She keeps so many secrets. I’m as about as exasperated and angry as I’ve ever been.

First, Buffy’’s friend comes over. Spike, one she said played in a rock band, but was really a vampire. I assumed he was a good vampire since Buffy had invited him in. Hello, Rupert has made it plain that Dawn and I are not to invite any individuals we have not seen in full daylight into our home. I know this, but he was already invited.

We were just talking about his girlfriend dumping him and drinking coco. When Buffy’s ex, Angel shows up, and tries to break in the door. Buffy charges in and slams poor Spike down on the countertop. Then she invites Angel in. The monster who tried to kill us. Who kidnapped Dawn! She said he was dead, and then he’s not dead. He’s at the door trying to get in, and he sure looked evil to me. Good, bad, and now good again. I don’t trust him.

And Spike’s supposed to be the evil one. I thought he was rather sweet, so torn up about his girl. A hundred plus years together is nothing to sneeze at, I couldn’t even make it to 15 with Tom. Then to top it all off Buffy comes home later and bawls me out for inviting Spike in, which I did not….

“I really missed her, she treated me like a person. I wonder what she’d say about Buffy and me now?”

He skipped the next few entries. Boring stuff about car insurance and money problems. He almost passed over the next entry too, but stopped when his eye fell on two familiar names.

Rupert brought Buffy home from school sick today. She was doubled over, clutching her head, and begging us to make it stop. I wanted to call the ambulance, but Rupert wouldn’t let me. Buffy calmed down once we left her in her room. Rupert took me outside and explained that she had been infected by a demon she had fought the day before. That she could hear other peoples’ thoughts and that while it had started out intermittently; now she could hear them all the time and couldn’t block them out. He said he had found a cure but need help getting the ingredients and was going to get Angel.

He told me not to worry. As if I could stop. I haven’t had a moments ease since Buffy told me what she was, what she does, and who she fights. I still don’t understand why she can’t just quit. I’ve offered to move again. She tells me, that the weirdness would just follow her. It’s part of her being born a Slayer.

Rupert once said that all Slayers stem from a single maternal line. It’s in the blood. That means I carry the gene, or what ever. Why did it have to be one of my children who was chosen. I hate this. I think it must be a lot like having a disabled child. You feel helpless, you have few people you can talk to, and you keep wondering which instance will be their death. I can’t deal with this now.

(later)

I went and checked on Buffy. This day couldn’t get any worse. She knows about what Rupert and I did that night because of the band chocolate. I tried not to think about it. I really did, but I was worrying and wondering where he was and well it just happened. I hope he gets back soon.

(later)

I sent Dawn over to a friend’s to keep her away from Buffy. I was sure a 13 year old’s trivial chatter would send her around the bend if any thing would.

(later)

It’s after mid-night. Rupert and Angel just left. They made Buffy drink this horrible looking blue potion, which they made up in my food processor. I will never use it again! I made Rupert take it out to the trash the moment they were finished.

It looks like she’ll be ok. I wanted her to stay home tomorrow, but she says she has to go to school to stop someone from killing the students.

What a night!

Spike skipped ahead a few days until he caught sight of that hated name again. He knew what a hold the big poof’s memory still had on his Buffy. He wished he could kill the bastard, but that would have turned Buffy against him for sure. Maybe, Joyce would tell him something that he could use as leverage to pry, his pet away from Nancy boy’s memory. From the few things she’d said so far he hadn’t fooled her.

I went to Angel’s mansion today. I was surprised by it, although I don’t know why I should have been. It’s hard to reconcile the man and the monster he’s shown himself to be. Buffy’s so obsessed by him, it scares me. She says she loves him. That she dreams of spending her life with him.

She’s my daughter; I want her to be happy, but I don’t think she realizes what she is giving up, daylight, college, spending time with someone her own age, the possibility of children, not to mention sex. I already resent the man for taking her innocence, but once it happened he turned evil and kidnapped Dawn. I’m having a really hard time getting over it.

I pleaded with him to leave, to let her go, to let her have a normal life. I’m not sure I made an impact. He was very hard to read. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I hope I did the right thing.

So the Slayer’s mum intervened. Damn, always thought Joyce had balls, this just proved it. Bet Buffy never knew about this. I’m not sure this is something I really want her reading. Same thing that applied to Angel applies to me too. She deserves better. I got one up on him though, no soul, no guilt. I’m here. I want her, and I’m staying.

He read on through Joyce’s commentary on Angel’s departure and Buffy’s resulting depression and tears. He found himself wishing he could shout at the long ago Buffy and tell her he wasn’t worth it.

He was addicted. He just didn’t want to stop reading. Her journals were filling in so many missing pieces for him. Opening up whole new explanations for some of Buffy’s actions and reactions. He glanced at the clock. 4:56, Buffy would be home any minute. He resaved Joyce’s work under his own password, and then shut down the computer. It would never do to have Buffy take away this treasure trove before he’d had a chance to finish reading it.

Chapter 2

Where was Buffy? It was almost six o’clock by now. The late fall sun had set almost an hour ago. Dawn had come home and left for her friend’s and still no Buffy. He flipped through several more channels of garbage on the telly, wondering if he should start searching for her, when she came through the door.

“Hi honey, I’m home! Where’s Dawn?” Buffy plopped down on the couch next to him, her long hair bouncing into loose tendrils around her face.

As he pulled her close he replied, “Sleep over at her mate’s, remember. She told you about it last night. And before you ask, Red’s got class tonight.”

She pushed him away and headed toward the kitchen, saying over her shoulder, “I forgot. You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had. I actually left the Magic Box around five, but I had to stop and deal with not one but four pesky vampires. She grabbed a sports drink from the refrigerator, “I don’t know what’s gotten into them.”

“Your monthly courses, luv”, he shouted from the living room.

Buffy returned to the room drink in hand and stared at him with a befuddled expression on her face. “My monthly courses, what?”

“Your period, pet?”

“Well, I’m not supposed to start for another couple of days, but what has that to do with anything.” She stood there, arms crossed over her chest, foot tapping impatiently.

“I didn’t mean to phrase it as a question, luv. You have started. That’s why all the vamps were after you.”

Buffy turned and went up the stairs two at a time. A few minutes later she came down more slowly. “How did you know?”, she said suspiciously as she sat back down on the couch next to him.

He pulled her close and buried his face in her hair. “Your smell, Luv. It’s like ambrosia right now. I’m getting fangy just thinking of it.” He gave her a seductive leer and inhaled deeply. Then almost fell off the couch as Buffy shoved him away hard.

“Ugh! That’s disgusting!”

He recaptured her, saying, “No its not. It’s just a part of you being a Slayer and me a vampire. That’s just how it works. Pheromones, that’s all. Didn’t you and the big poof ever discuss this? You were together long enough.”

Buffy shook her head, still half-heartedly struggling to get away from him.

“Well, what about Giles, surely he said something. Right now, luv, you’re like a blood lure, the kind they use to bait the bears with at pit fights back in London.”

Buffy looked thoughtful like she was trying to remember. “Merrick said something once about me being able to tell when evil was near when ever I felt like I had cramps.”

“Merrick?”

“My first watcher.”

“Blimey, never knew you’d had any other Watcher then Giles. What happened to him?”

“Same old story, master vampire wants to take over a high school and kill a Slayer. I screwed up and he got killed. End of story.”

“I doubt that’s all of it, come on tell Big Bad ”.

“Seriously, there’s really not much story there. I was only fifteen at the time, and basically untrained. I had only come to accept I was the Slayer about two weeks before it all went down. The only thing I had on my mind was cheerleading, and who would be the next homecoming queen.” She laughed bitterly. “When things went down, my inexperience cost Merrick life. I won in the end, but I cried as the gym burned down. The worst of it was that I was crying because I was relieved. With him gone, I thought I was done with it. ”

Buffy began kissing him, and running her hands up and down his chest. About as clear a sign as a man could get that she wanted to change the subject. Not that he minded, but one of these days they were going to have to have a serious conversation about using sex to avoid dealing with things. They both tended to do it. Gods above and below knew that sex was the strongest bond going in this relationship.

Her smell was driving him mad. He could just about feel all those lovely little red corpuscles flowing beneath his lips as he kissed her neck. He felt himself start to vamp out and pushed her so hard that she flew off the couch, knocking her back into the wall. He shook his head to clear it and morphed back into his regular features.

Buffy looked confused and wary, but she didn’t attack. She waited; looking to him for a clue as to how all this was going to go down.

He couldn’t meet her eyes. “Buffy, luv, the demon’s a bit too close to the surface for us to play right now. What with that siren’s call of your blood and all.” He rushed onward. “ We both know that you’re not protected by the chip anymore, pet. It wouldn’t be safe.”

Buffy nodded in acceptance. “Well, why don’t we go patrol, fighting is almost as good as sex. God, did I just sound like Faith, or what? I swear, I think she left a little bit behind when we exchanged bodies.” She smiled and held up her arm so that he could help her off the floor.

***

After patrolling they parted ways in front of his crypt. He didn’t even chance a good night kiss although he was tempted. He’d let himself completely vamp during the fighting and giving his demon full rein, but it still wasn’t enough to sate the blood lust.

He stayed at his crypt a while longer, had some blood, and read a few pages from the latest book he had nicked from the library, but he just couldn’t settle down. What he was reading wasn’t near as interesting as Joyce’s journal. “Buffy will be asleep by now”, he said to himself. “I could just sneak down to the basement. She wouldn’t ever need to know.”

Buffy’s finally introduced me to her latest young man. He was so nice and polite. He brought me flowers. He held the door open for her. Buffy says he’s a teacher’s assistant over at the university, and I think he must also be in the reserves. He was wearing camouflage.

Finally a normal boyfriend, I had just about given up hope. He’s invited her on a picnic. Thank god, daylight. Buffy says he’s doing the cooking. Handsome and domesticated could he get any better?

I was worried that she was changing since she started college, but maybe it’s for the better. I know she can’t stop slaying, but maybe she’ll come to treat it as a job not a life style choice. I just want her to have a normal life. A husband, children, a little time in the sun, is that too much to ask for my daughter?

I have to quit now I feel another one of those headaches coming on. Maybe I need to get my eyes checked.

Oh gods, now Joyce was nattering on about how wonderful the great captain white bread was. Mister wonderful was just so good to your little girl; he went off and left her when she needed him the most. Just be thankful Big Bad was around to pick up the pieces.

He hadn’t realized how tightly he was holding the mug until the handle broke off spilling the hot coffee down front of his leg. He danced around in frustration. At least it wasn’t blood; he would have hated to clean up that mess.

He scrolled onward and spotted his name.

Dawn’s been in trouble at school again. I thought I had been through all this once already. I’m not sure what to do. I’ve got an appointment to talk to her teachers tomorrow. Just thinking about it is giving me another terrible headache.

Only one other interesting thing happened today. Spike stopped by this evening. I could tell he was looking for Buffy, but she wasn’t home. He’s so charming. He had Dawn and I in stitches with his stories. I can tell Dawn has a crush on him. I hope to God that I am not facing another Angel situation.

He noticed that Joyce’s references to headaches were coming more frequently. He wished they had caught it earlier. He knew what was coming next, and he dreaded reading it. He turned off the monitor and sat in the dark. It had been such a black time. Finding out Dawn was the key, Buffy’s rejection, Joyce’s death, and finally Buffy’s death. Things had just snowballed, getting darker and darker. He supposed he should have reveled in it. He was after all a creature of darkness, but the memory just made him achy and sad.

He remembered the last few times he had seen Joyce. He had taken to stopping by when he knew Buffy wouldn’t be home, just to check on her. She wouldn’t let him in after the Wiccas’ had done their spell, but she’d come out and sit on the porch in the dark and talk to him. She’d been kindness itself, but she hadn’t lent any false hopes to his feelings toward her daughter. He couldn’t deal with it all right now; so he decided to skip all that and just read the ending.

Flipping the monitor back on he selected the very last file.

I’ve survived! I’m back home. It feels so weird. I felt like I had made my peace and now I have to start living again. Buffy and Dawn have been tip toeing around me. I’m happy and grateful, but the girls being this good is kind of disorienting.

I tried to get a hold of Tom, but he’s still among the missing in Spain. I am glad I didn’t die. What would have happened to my babies? I was rereading the letters I wrote to them. I wonder if I should give them to them anyway. No, I guess not. That would just be too morbid.

I start back to work on Monday at the gallery. It will be so good to be back. Sarah was telling me about the new dealer. She says he would be perfect for me. It’s so odd to think of having a future, of being able to pursue romance.

Bloody hell, look at him; blubbering like a tike. Spike sniffed and wiped the moisture from his eyes. The gods shouldn’t trick people like that. She was so happy. She’d thought she’d had years ahead of her. He wondered where the letters were. The girls would want them if he could find them.

He went back about three weeks; scanning each section, but he could find no mention of them. He closed the window and went to the file menu. Clicking on that brought a list of all the documents contained in the computer. He scrolled through them one by one. Finally, he found them. They were simply saved as Buffy and Dawn.

My Dearest Dawn, My Baby,

If you are reading this I probably did not survive the surgery. Even though I am gone, I want you to know that you are, and always will be loved.

I wish I could take away the knowledge that you are the Key. I know that as the Key you are special to the world, the way Buffy as the Slayer is special to the world. But you are special in your own right not because of what you are, but because of who you are, Dawn my daughter.

I don’t want you to ever think that you shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be part of this family. The monks made my life so immeasurably better when they sent you to me. You have been my ally and my support through countless trials. I can remember holding you as a baby. I remember the first tooth you lost and swallowed. I remember giving you that horrible home perm in 5th grade. I remember our weekly book club meetings. And I remember how you became the adult when your sister ran away and got me help when I needed it. I know you think those memories aren’t real, but to me they are realer then real. I refuse to believe that anyone could create those feelings in me. You are my daughter in every sense of the word, and I love you.

I have one request. Please stay with your sister. I fear you maybe the only thing left, now that I am gone, that will ground her to this world and pull her out of the darkness she inhabits.

I will always love and watch over you. Mom

Dearest Buffy;

If you are reading this letter I did not survive the surgery. I have left copies of my will and other important paperwork with Rupert. He has promised to look after the two of you until your father can be located.

I hope you know by now how proud I am of you. Even though most people will never know it, you are a hero. You will always be one to me. Unhappily, Heroes can’t take the easy way out; they have to stay strong and fight for the good of all. I wish I could make it easier on you.

I hope, in a way, that you will be a little more selfish in the future. Take a little more for yourself. I saw how your being the Slayer drove Riley away. I pray that your duty to the world doesn’t prevent you from having a normal life. You may have to fight the forces of darkness, but you don’t belong in that world. You belong in the sunlight, surrounded by family and friends.

You’ve had more then your fair share of being abandoned by those you love. I hope my death will not add another layer to the wall I see you building around your heart. I don’t know if you will accept my advice, but look outside your circle when you next chose to love. When all you consort with is demons and lowlifes it is too easy to fall in love with one. But you are worthy of so much more then a love of convenience. And demons no matter how charming they are, or how much they profess to love you, are and always will be demons.

I have one request. Please protect your sister and watch after her. Don’t let your father take her away from you.

You will always be my daughter first and foremost. I love you with all my heart. Mom

He sat there sick and shaken. He didn’t know what to do. He felt as if Joyce had reached from the grave and driven a stake right threw his heart. He had fought so hard to win Buffy’s love, and to make her realize that she had feelings toward him too. He needed Buffy to believe that he changed, not to get her to love him, but because he loved her and wanted to do what was right.

Chapter 3

He sat in the chair, booted feet on the sill, looking through the semi-opaque curtains at the sunrise. It had been so long since he had seen one. He craved the light. He didn’t understand why, or why he risked himself so often to experience the daylight world. He knew though that the craving was part of his attraction to Buffy. For him she was light personified. He speculated that his longing for light and Buffy’s attraction to the dark brought them into some kind of balance. His thoughts continued slide toward unwanted conclusions and he realized how hard it would be to rest at the fulcrum of balance. He wondered which way they would fall when their balancing act ended.

He watched Buffy as she lay asleep on the bed next to him. How he loved watching her sleep; the way her golden hair spread across the pillow, the curve of her tanned bare shoulder, and the strawberry pink bow of her lips. Gods, she was beautiful and so strong. He wondered if he could survive if anything happened to her again. He could picture himself walking into the sunlight carrying her dead body, melodramatic sap that he was.

Buffy began to thrash and moan on the bed, fighting with the bedcovers, obviously in the throws of a terrible dream. Spike wondered if he should wake her up or just let it run its course? He heard the cloth ripping and reached over and grabbed Buffy’s arms by the wrists to stop her from doing any more damage to the sheets.

“Buffy”, he said shaking her gently. “Buffy come on luv, wake up.”

He was afraid to let go of her hands; he could see a stake lying on the bedside table and thought he better get rid of it if he didn’t want to wind up a big pile of dust. He doubted if she would be too coherent when she finally awoke. He knocked the table hard with his shoulder and the stake rolled off and under the bed. “Out of site, out of mind”, he thought. “Come on, pet, wake up!” He shook her a little harder.

This time, it worked.

Buffy lay gasping for air. Tears filled her eyes as she saw him. “Spike? What? Where am…”

He gazed into her eyes, her soul. “Dreaming about clawing you way out of the coffin again, pet?” Of it’s own volition, his hand reached out and smoothed the hair away from her face.

“How did you know?” Her hands clutched convulsively on top of the bedclothes. Her teeth were chattering as if she had been bathed in ice.

“Your hand motions, and the fact that I still have ‘em myself occasionally.” Spike moved away from her, backing to the door. He didn’t want her to think he was taking advantage, not that he wouldn’t mind you, but he just didn’t want it to be obvious.

Buffy stopped him with a glance. She held out an arm beckoning him, the other clasped the torn sheet to her breasts. “Spike, hold me. I’m so cold.”

He was at her side instantly pulling her to his chest. He buried his face in her hair inhaling her enticing smell. He could feel himself wanting to vamp out and taste her blood. He needed to concentrate on something repetitive. Slowly he started counting backwards from a hundred in French. As long as he could keep focused on the numbers he could hold it together. He had just gotten to 60 and was trying to remember how to say 59 when he felt her shaking ease and she relaxed into his embrace. And then slowly, inevitably she pulled away.

Buffy looked down at the tattered ribbons in her hands. “Damn, that’s the third set of sheets since I’ve been back. Spike, what are you doing here?” It had just registered that he was in her bedroom and he wasn’t supposed to be here. She thought they had agreed that it set a bad example for Dawn.

He pushed himself up so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard; his movement caused Buffy to roll, her head coming to rest on his thigh. He had moved away from the immediacy of her smell, but this position was raising a whole other set of thoughts. He struggled to play it cool. “Just watching you sleep, luv. Got caught out by the sun and it was closer here then to the crypt.” He turned his face toward the curtained window staring at it as if he could see the sunrise. He paused and sighed, “ I found something I think you need to see.”

The bedroom door opened making them both jump.

“Buffy, can I borrow your silver hoops”, said Dawn as she entered without knocking. Her mouth opened in a silent oh as she caught sight of the two of them on the bed and then moved to a smirk. “Hi, Spike.”

“Morning, platelet”. He got up. His hands raised defensively in front of him; he slowly stood to show her that he at least was fully dressed. He hoped she couldn’t tell how tight the front of his jeans were.

He went downstairs with Dawn, presumably to help put together a Saturday morning brunch.

Janice was waiting for Dawn the kitchen drinking orange juice and eating dried cereal out of the box by the handful. “Did you get the earrings?”

“Oops! Got distracted.” She waves Spike on into the kitchen. “This is Spike, my sister’s…” She looked at Janice, then at Spike and her mind went blank. She started over. “This is Spike.”

Spike gave her a dirty look, got a mug out of the cabinet, and poured himself some coffee.

Dawn watched him quizzically, “You’ve been here for a while haven’t you?”

“Yeah, what of it?”

“Nothing, I just noticed the coffee was already made. Buffy usual does it after she gets up. She’s not up, ergo you made the coffee.”

Little bint was too observant for her own good. Spike decided to change the subject. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and get me some cereal before your mate eats it all up.” He gave Janice a smile to take any sting out of his words.

“Sure, what kind would you like? Janice has the granola, I’ve got Kix, and I think Buffy has some bran something or other.” Dawn got the feeling something was up but she knew Spike well enough that he wouldn’t divulge anything while outsiders were around.

He made a face. “Just don’t give me Buffy’s. What she eats looks like dog kibble. Don’t you have any fruity bits?”

Buffy came in the room behind him, “I eat dog kibble do I?” She elbowed him in the ribs as she went around to the other side of the bar. “People who live in glass houses should not comment on other people’s eating habits.”

“So what did you girls have planned for today?” Buffy asked, as she looked between the two girls.

Janice answered, “My mom’s driving us to the mall and we’re planning on shopping and catching Harry Potter.”

Spike looked Dawn straight in the eye, and said significantly, “Remember, you need be home early so that you can help your sister.”

Dawn nodded, “Yeah, I need to be home by at least…five?”

“Three”, said Spike.

“Boy, if that’s all the time we’ve got we’d better get home and get my mom moving. The mall will be open in fifteen minutes.” Janice started tugging Dawn toward the back door.

“Bye, guys.” Dawn waved as she left with her friend.

“So what’s the big?” Buffy looked at him questioningly as she poured herself some coffee.

He pulled the printed sheets from his back pocket and gave the first to Buffy. “This one’s Dawn’s”, he stated, tucking it back into place.

He explained what he had found and where he had found it. Then giving her instructions on how to open the files he left her in the basement. He quickly ascended the steps to the second floor and tucked the letter under Dawn’s door.

Then he left. He knew it was dangerous with the sun up, but he had snuck in and out of the Summers’ home often enough before the Wiccas exiled him to know it could be done. He was sure the sisters would need some time alone together after they read Joyce’s last words.

Chapter 4

The sun was setting. Spike stood at the door of his crypt trying to decide whether to contact Buffy or to patrol on his own. He was ready for a fight. Things were just too new with Buffy to be certain of her reaction, and the anxiety of not knowing put his teeth on edge. He was ready to kill anything that got in his path. Twist heads clean off. He decided to go it alone. He wanted to let his demon have full rein tonight to get rid of some of the frustration that he was feeling.

It didn’t take long to find some trouble either. He spied a couple in the park. The vamp had the women pushed up against the slide’s ladder. He smelled the hot metallic scent of fresh blood and knew it might already be too late for her.

His game face fully in place, he swung the younger dark haired vamp away from its prey, knocking him to the ground. The woman was still alive, but just stood there screaming. He actually had to tell her to run.

“Hey, man what’s with you? That was my dinner. Go find you own food”, said the young vamp with confused bravado.

Spike just looked at him for a moment, it was a waste even killing this one. He was so pathetic. Gods, why had someone even turned this puppy? Even fanged the get had pimples.

The vamp launched himself from the ground toward Spike slamming himself directly on to the stake held in Spike’s waiting hand and turned to dust. “That was absolutely no fun, mate. I would have thought you would have gone a bit longer and made it worth my while.”

At that moment Spike was hit from behind and when flying in to a tombstone. A strident, angry female voice grated on his ears a he rolled and came up to face this new opponent.

“You bully! What did you do to Mike?”

Lord save him from female vampires, they were so damn possessive about their men. He really seemed to have some kind of mental block about slaying them, not that he wouldn’t if he had to, but it wasn’t the kind of fun he liked. Must be the gallant in him he guessed. He blocked her swing, counter punched, and then blocked again.

Buffy joined him in the fight, seeming to come from nowhere. Launching herself at the demon with a sidekick. She followed with stake to the heart. Quick and efficient, just like she liked it. She wiped the dust from her hands.

“Buffy, heads up, we’ve got company”, said Spike, nodding at the vampires approaching. Six vampires, all male, and calling out for the Slayer’s blood had surrounded them.

Spike automatically turned so that he was at Buffy’s back taking up a defensive stance, a move that they had perfected in their long hours of patrolling since she’d been back. They didn’t even need words anymore; they had gotten so good at reading each other’s body language. He reveled in that thought. He watched as the vampires divided up, three to one, and the rumble began.

“Hun?” He said over his shoulder as he delivered a punch to the jaw of one of the vamps. “I know you’ve been back a while now, but by any chance…” He ducked under the first, and used a low sidekick to take out the knee of the second vamp. He finished his sentence and staked the one on the ground, “is this the first period you’ve had since you’ve been back?”

Buffy was involved with her own battle. She’d already taken down one vamp with a quick reverse stake to the chest as the vamp tried to blindside her by coming in low on her right. Thank gods for Slayer enhanced peripheral vision. She sent a flying kick to the chest of the current vamp sending him sprawling across the end of the teeter-totter. The other end bounced up catching her third dance partner just under the chin. The vamp flew back and staked himself on a low tree branch. “All right, two for one!”

She turned to help Spike with the remaining two. “I never was really regular,” she answered. “I just figured my system was all messed up because of coming back and all”.

“Just didn’t remember encountering this before”, He stated simply.

He heard Buffy give a sharp yelp, and twisted to view what she had seen coming out of the trees.

It was a Chaos demon. This one was huge, at least seven feet tall with a rack of slimy antlers adding another foot or so. Spike had wanted to kill a Chaos demon ever since that time in Brazil when Dru had hitched up with one.

This one was heading straight toward Buffy like a stag in rut. Spike stepped between them, using his duster as a matador’s cape. “Toro, Toro” he called waving the jacket back and forth. The beast veered toward him antlers lowered to gore him. Spike stepped to the side at the last possible moment. The jacket tangled in the beast’s horns covered the demon’s face blinding him. Spike quickly grabbed an antler through the leather and brought it down across his knee. The demon bellowed in pain as the horn audibly cracked. Rearing in agony the demon shook the jacket loose. As soon as it had its head free it headed straight for Buffy. It lowered its head and charged.

Buffy grabbed the one remaining horn and the stump of the other in her two hands and flipped up and over the beast like one of the ancient Greek bull dancers. Unfortunately because of all the slime it didn’t turn out as graceful as she had pictured. She slid down it’s back, but continued to hold on to its antlers. Bringing its head back to an impossible angle she heard it’s spine crack and she ended up on the ground.

Spike held out his hand to give Buffy a lift up, and then went over and picked up his duster. “Bloody hell, I wonder what the cleaning bill will be for leather”, he asked in disgust?

Chapter 5

They ended up back in front of Spike’s crypt. Buffy was covered in slime from the demon’s antlers. She pushed past him at the door and went on down below. “Dibs on the shower”, she said as she climbed down the ladder.

Buffy stood in the shower; the water streaming down over her slender back. She rested her forehead on the tile in front of her. She realized she was probably using up all the hot water, but she needed time to think. She had a decision to make, and she needed to know if her Mom was wrong or right. Was this just a love of convenience, or was this something that could last.

She came out wrapped in his old bathrobe, the sleeves rolled up to accommodate her petite frame. She looked so small and frail. Spike knew it for an illusion, but it was one that touched him. Made him feel all manly and protective. Except what she needed right now was protection from him. The fighting had done nothing to ease the hunger; in fact he wanted her now more then ever. He wondered how he could get her to go home without her getting bent out of shape or eroding his already shaky resolve any further.

She turned towards him, stopping approximately an arm’s length away, and looked into his eyes. “You always give me the truth. Of course most of the time you’re trying to rub my nose in it. My turn now.”

“Mom wanted a normal daughter. She didn’t get it. I’m the Slayer, the Chosen One. I’m never going to be normal. I’ve given up those daydreams. I’ve grown up, changed. I’m looking for a partner. He needs to be someone I don’t have to hide things from. He’s going to have to accept the whole package, weirdness, slayer powers, and all; cause I’m tired of pulling my punches to save male egos. An added bonus would be someone to watch my back. That pretty much describes you doesn’t it? Only one problem, Mom was right. I don’t know if I can accept you because you’re a demon.”

His thoughts raced. He could hardly hear what she said for the roaring in his ears. He knew she was going to leave him. She’d been looking for an excuse ever since they got together. “I never denied it”, he said his voice filled with anger.

“No, you were always in my face with it. I could never forget or pretend”. She smiled and stepped closer to him.

Her smile drained the anger from him. He felt confused and uncertain about what response she expected from him.

“I’m different now, Spike. I came back different. Maybe that’s given me a new perspective on things, but I need to trust you. You said you made a choice. It’s one I’m going to have to trust you to keep.”

She stepped back from him a little and dropped the robe from her shoulders. It’s dark blue hem draped in a puddle around her feet. She stood there before him like a statue of Venus De Milo. He could literally feel the beat of her heart from where she was standing. Crimson red blood, her blood, trickled in rivulets down her thigh pooling in the vulnerable indention of her knee before meandering down her calf.

“Buffy, luv, you don’t realize what you’re doing. You’ve got a death wish. I won’t be part of it.” Shocked and suddenly apprehensive he backed away, tripping over a piece of furniture in his haste.

Her eyes twinkled mischievously, “Spike, want to dance? She did a sweep kick, knocking his legs from under him.

He rolled, coming up in a defensive stance. “So you want Big Bad to come out to play, well all right.” He caught her by the shoulders and threw her across the room. “You’ve been trying to get yourself killed ever since you came back. Just get this straight, Slayer. We are not sodding Romeo and Juliet. One of us is going to come out the winner here. Either you’re going to stake me or I’ll drain you dry.” His voice shook with anger and despair even as he said the words.

He caught the collar of the robe and shook her banging her head against the wall. “You’re putting both our lives on the line with this little test of yours, and I don’t like being manipulated.”

She dropped and used the momentum to pull him up and over slamming him against the wall in turn. She twisted coming to rest on her hands and knees. The front of the robe gapped open giving him a shadowy glimpse of her heaving breasts. “It comes down to this, either I can trust you totally or I can’t, but I need to know. I need to figure out whether I can trust you, all of you, man and demon. I think I can, but neither of us knows for sure.” She rose and delivered a quick jab toward his face, which he blocked. She followed with a combination of punches to his solar plexus spinning him back on to the bed.

He knew what she wanted. He stopped fighting it and gave in to the torrid of emotions. Rage, despair, and hunger drove him. He warred within himself; it couldn’t end this way. “I love you.”

His fangs grazed her inner thigh. She must be crazy, the femoral artery was right there, he could drain her dry in seconds. She had wanted this, but she was starting to wig at being so vulnerable. She struggled with the urge to fight. One of her legs was over his shoulder, the other pinned beneath his weight. This was really going to be an awkward position to fight from if he did lose it and try to kill her. She tried to think of a counter move, but gave up as waves of sensation overwhelmed her. She gave a moan of pure animalistic pleasure as his tongue caressed the sensitive skin.

“Buffy?” Then touching her face gently he gazed into her eyes, seeking an answer to his unspoken question.

His eyes were gold, the demon still ascendant.

She smiled and drew him down to her lips. He had his answer. She accepted him, man and demon.

Buffy reached up, pulling him down to her. Kissing him. She tasted her own blood, and she felt his fangs, and it was ok. No, it was more then ok. It was exciting. They moved into the rhythm of the eternal dance between man and woman, and for the first time since she’d come back she felt complete and whole. Using her legs she pulled him deeper inside her womb. She wished they could stay like that forever. No yesterdays, no tomorrows, just now.

When she awoke some time later she realized her arm was asleep and that Spike had her pinned to where she couldn’t move without a struggle. She could tell he was still asleep. His body, which was usually restless, was quiet and still. She looked around the room. Who knew epiphanies could be so messy? She had smears of dried blood on her stomach and thighs. She wiggled around until they were face to face. Eesh! He even had some of her blood in his hair. The streak made him look even more punk then usual. She rolled her eyes.

Spike woke feeling a little dizzy and sort of off. He couldn’t quite put his finger on the reason. He shook his head to clear it and realized that Buffy was in his arms clasped against his chest. “Morning, Sunshine”, he said squeezing her until her ribs popped and kissing her shoulder. “Look at this place. Reminds me of that portrait “Massacre of the Innocents.”

He was right, there was blood everywhere. Looking past him she could see a bloody handprint on the wall above the bed. And from the size of it, it was probably hers. “ Spike? Do you remember how my handprint got on the wall?”

“Can’t say that I do, pet.” He looked over his shoulder at the print. Turning his head had been a mistake; a wave of nausea hit him. Must have been all that rich blood after having done for so long without, but there was no way in hell that he was going to tell her that she had given him a world class case of indigestion. He took her hand and kissed her palm.

Buffy was still looking at the offending print. “We’ll have to clean it off.”

“I bloody well should say not! I think I’ll stick a frame around it and keep it for a souvenir.” He shook his head and regretted it immediately. The room swam in circles.

Buffy sighed and let it go. She couldn’t quite tell if he was serious or not. She could always wash it off later. “I think the sheets are totaled”, she said moving on to a safer topic.

“Naw, you don’t get to be a vampire as old as I am without learning a few tricks to getting blood out of fabric”, Spike answered dismissively.

Buffy giggled, and then she started laughing. She buried her head into his shoulder still chortling.

“Why the laugh track, luv?” He moved to where he was lying flat on his back. That seemed to ease the dizziness some.

“I was just picturing you in one of those coin operated laundry mats.” She smiled into his face, propping herself up on his chest. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.” She gave him a seductive look as she climbed out of bed. Her beautiful derriere swished enticingly as she stepped down. She looked over her shoulder and gave him one of those Mona Lisa smiles of hers, “Want to join me?”

“In a minute, pet. You go ahead and get started. I want to rest for a few more minutes. You’ve worn me out, Slayer.” Spike closed his eyes for a few minutes, but opened them again when he heard the water come on. Maybe if he was up and dressed when she came back she wouldn’t push for more than he could deliver right now.

He levered himself up from the bed and grabbed his pants from the chair and started dragging them up his legs. The room was swinging in ever widening circles. He couldn’t understand why this was happening. He’d never had this sort of reaction to human blood before. Must be the chip. The world was growing fuzzier, but he knew something wasn’t right with that logic. He’d had blood, human blood, since the chip, that girl that Dru had killed for him. Then it came to him in a blinding flash, not human. The sodding chip identified Buffy as not human.

He called out hoping he could be heard above the water. “Buffy, your change….”, was as far as he got. He doubled over in agony, and passed out on the floor.

Part 2