Feeling Lost

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Author: blueangelwings

E-mail: goddess_of_writing@hotmail.com

Rating: G

Classification: Hints of both Buffy/Angel and Buffy/Spike

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don’t own anything. Joss Whedon owns the show and the characters; I’m just borrowing them for my story. No copyright infringement is intended.

Spoilers: Not a single one.

Summary: Buffy is just musing. It’s inspired by the ever-present question of Spike or Angel and Season 6, which is looming in the horizon. And the end is just kind of hopeful, not really leaning towards either of them.

Status: Finished

Were we really meant to be? That’s the question I’ve lately been asking myself. Deep, insightful thoughts and questions jump out at me in the oddest of times. When I see a shadow. During a shower. Eating ice cream after patrol. Dancing at the Bronze. I never know when. Before I can clear my mind or grasp my thoughts, the musing and reflection begins. About Angel. My Angel of the night. Tall, dark, handsome, and mysterious. Sounds every bit like the ideal man to set a girl’s heart thumping. Well, except that he’s a vampire. Can’t forget that one minor detail, now can we?

I thought he was my soul-mate. I still do. But every so often, flashes of doubt creep into my mind. Maybe we weren’t destined to be together. H could have just been someone that I needed to help me improve and to grow. He was a part of my life that helped me in so many ways, and taught me so many things. To teach me about love, to teach me how to smile and laugh, to show me what real, pure, and unadulterated joy was. He was fated to do all this and so much more. But he wasn’t the love of my life or my soul-mate. It’s hard to explain. He was just what I needed at that particular time. I don’t mean for it to sound like I was using him or anything. He was just more than a friend, but less than a soul-mate. He was my teacher, friend, helper, one time lover, trainer, and partner in a lot of things.

Then I reproach myself for my thoughts. Of course I’m not over Angel, no matter how I try to convince and fool everyone. I stubbornly cling to the lost-love story line. How can I think things like that and betray the memory of Angel? He was…he can’t even be described. Have you ever known anyone who was so important, so dear to you, so much a part of you that the words fail to even come close? You feel you so inexplicably entwined into each other minds, hearts, bodies, and souls that your breath is his, your heartbeat is his, your soul is his, and you are one person. You fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. It seems like you can’t survive without seeing his smile or hearing him whisper sweet things to you. Being with him was always agony and ecstasy at the same time. Agony, knowing that Angelus would always be a part of Angel, that I was the Slayer, and not supposed to love vampires, just to stake them. Then again, since when have I followed the rules? Most rules are crap. That’s my motto.

But then the voice begins to mock me. And it’s always the same one. Angel left. He’s in Los Angeles now. There’s no way you can be together. You have to accept that, let him go, and try to move on with your life. He has, why can’t you? Why are you dwelling on the past? Be strong. Take the time to heal from Angel, and you will meet your soul-mate, the one you were really meant to be with. Face the facts, you weren’t truly meant to be. He is and always will be an important part of your life and of your past. Angel has taught and showed you so many things. Affected and influenced you in so many ways. And you should be grateful for that. And the strangest thing of all…that mocking, yet reasonable voice always sounds like Spike’s.

Spike. Now there’s another confusing part of my already very tumultuous life. I hate him. I really do. And then comes the voice again. Mocking me in a sing-song voice. I remember the pain in his eyes when I told him he was beneath me. It was real hurt, not some fake act put on just to confuse me and drive me insane. I still find it very hard to believe that he has feelings for me. I mean, how? When? And most of all, WHY? Though I’d hate to admit it, Spike does have good qualities…for a demon that kills people, that is. It always comes back to that. Vampires, killers, evil, demons, soulless, and so on. Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn’t been the Slayer, would I have been with Angel…or maybe even Spike? I would most likely be breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Or a snack. Just one out of many drained for food.

Anyway, Spike does have good points. I would never say that out loud of course, just thinking it is already wiggy enough! He’s a good fighter. He really did love Drusilla, even though she was a cheating, loony ho. He has an adorable accent. And…well, I’m the Slayer, but not un-female and certainly not blind. And Spike I can confirm as a fine specimen of the male species.

He is totally different from Angel though. One dark, the other bright and vivid. One so gentle and quiet, the other crude and bold. Spike fascinates me, and draws me to him in a strange way. That scares me. I had actually felt guilty about treating him so badly and rudely when he was trying so hard to please me. That frightens me as well. The more guilt I feel, the more I harden my heart and the more I push him away. I absolutely refuse to feel guilt or any other emotion towards him. I simply do not care, not one bit. Or at least I try not to. I hate this lost feeling as well as the guilty feeling. Both bother me more than I let on.

The truth that I hide so well is that I might not love him… but there are still some sort of feelings that are most definitely there. They weren’t hate or disgust, and they lurk in my head and heart. And that scares me most of all. More than anything else. If I were really brave, I would admit that the main thing that makes me reject him, no matter how many excuses and reasons I’ve made up, is fear. Fear of what’s to happen, fear of getting my heart broken, fear of not quite being over Angel yet, fear of loving another vampire. But I’m Buffy Anne Summers, the Chosen One. Whatever comes will come, and I will meet it when it does. Until then, the swirl of unanswerable questions, and the things that I keep buried deep inside myself will stay there.

God, I’m confused. I want so badly just to put everything, my life, slaying, school, on hold and just have some time to find me again. Because right now, I’m lost.

This soul-searching business is tough, not to mention exhausting. I should be getting beauty sleep, not that I need it or anything. So I’ll turn out the light, and let tomorrow bring whatever it does. Whether it be reviving old flames or discovering what was right in front of me all along…