Title: Sorry doesn't work
Authour: Lisette
Rating: PG-13
Faith remembered the first time she had met Wesley
Wyndham-Pryce. Following the disaster that had been Gwendoline
Post, the Council had sent her a new watcher, and Wesley had been
the result. Suit-wearing, stake-up-his-ass Wesley, whose greatest
contribution had been
Well, hadn't. And when she
hit LA, it hadn't occurred to her that he would have changed. So,
ole Wes was working with Angel - big deal! Messing around with
books, and generally, well, screaming like a girl when anything
demonesque reared its spectacularly evil looking head.
When Angel didn't want to play, Faith knew she had to up the
ante, so she went to get his friends. Evil Villains 101 - always
go for the friends to add spice to any confrontation. Queen C was
there, and, honest to God, no different to how she had been in
high school. But Wes - no, Wes had changed. That whole punching
in the face gave that away first off. Who would have thought ole
Wesley would have the balls to piss off a slayer? Course, she hit
him back, and a lot harder, but that was beside the point.
But it was when she was really getting into the swing of the
whole torture scenario that she really noticed the changes. For a
start, he wasn't screaming like the proverbial. Not to say it
wouldn't be easy, what with the gag and all, but he didn't seem
to show any desire to scream. Not even when she took the gag off.
She thought he was doing the "we care about you"
speech, possibly seguing neatly into the "we can help
you" speech, and finishing off with a smidgen of
"you're a good person really". What she had not been
expecting was the vulgar, "You are a piece of sh-".
She wanted to make him scream, make him hurt. Wanted to punish
him for not being there, for not being what Giles was to Buffy.
Wanted to punish him for making her need the Mayor. For making
her what she was.
But he wouldn't scream.
And he wouldn't kill her.
She had seen him, coming out of the building, knife in hand.
Clutching Angel, she had sunk to the ground, desperate to find
some relief for the aching hole in her chest, for the darkness
that had been growing for years. Death - she had danced with it,
holding it at bay, but now she wanted to embrace it. And she saw
Wesley, with the knife. And, for that moment, hoped he would use
it.
He hadn't, of course. Because he had always believed that she
could be "found", could be brought back from the edge.
That's why he had set the Watchers' Council on her, because he
had thought they could help her. Wasn't Wesley's fault he was so
naïve. Later on, she heard him arguing with Angel, up in the
office. "Yesterday I had full feeling in my right arm."
She should feel guilty, but she didn't feel anything. Only later,
when what she had done in the past began to sink in, when what
she had done to Wesley in that apartment sank in, did she feel
the guilt, tearing at her insides.
So many people had used her. Her mother, the Council, all the men
she had screwed, the Mayor
even these latest, the lawyers.
And she let them. She just went with it. What was wrong with her?
All these people, they weren't interested in Faith, they just
wanted what she could do for them. But Buffy, Angel - and yes,
even Wesley - had wanted to help her. And she threw it back in
their faces. Was she really evil? Was that what all this meant?
But if it was being evil, why did she feel so bad?
She didn't know if she could change. In a way, it was easier just
to be bad. She could walk out, just leave, and everything could
go back to how it was. She didn't have to be good, didn't have to
feel the pain and guilt about all the things she had done. Just
walk away.
In the end, she couldn't walk away. She wanted to be free of the
pain, yes, but she wanted to be free of the dark as well. Of the
lurking shadows that dogged her footsteps, that whispered to her
that it was easier to hurt others than help, easier to just take
what you want than earn it.
Buffy pretty much wanted her dead. The Council definitely wanted
her dead. The police weren't too bothered either way, though it
sounded like dead would be good for them, too. Wesley - not on
the pro-Faith list. She had been standing in Angel's office when
her former watcher walked in, wary, but civil. He had opened the
door to the stairs, and stood aside pointedly, waiting for her to
go down. Then she found out the Council had come.
She had caused so much pain. And she didn't want to die. But
maybe she did have to make amends. Just saying sorry didn't work.
"Sorry" wouldn't make it up to Buffy for stealing her
life. "Sorry" wouldn't make it up to Angel for trying
to kill him - again.
"Sorry" wouldn't give Wesley back the feeling in his
right arm.
So she had to make a stand. Had, for once, to do what was right.
And that was why she was sitting in the police precinct when they
all arrived.