Tell the world

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB, I've just borrowed them for a while.

DEDICATION: To Jen, Dot, Vic and Meg for putting up with my mushy writing. Special thanks to Meg for contributing several of the items on Xander's list.

NOTE: The premise here bears more than a little resemblance to the hospital scene in Becoming Part II. I didn't even think of that until someone, I think Meg, pointed it out. But the idea was going strong in my head by then, so I ran with it. And mine has a better ending, if I do say so myself.

I don't remember much of Friday night. The doctors say that's not too surprising after a concussion, so I'm not worried. Well, not too worried. Xander's worried enough for both of us.

I remember the daytime stuff. Math test second period. Fish sticks at lunch. Training and research in the library. Xander gazing adoringly at Buffy, me gazing adoringly at Xander. No one ever gazes adoringly at me. Well, that's not true, I guess. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, my memory's pretty good up to the fight in the woods. There's been a new kind of demon munching on people lately, and Giles had figured out what they were. The books said they're pretty much comatose between dusk and midnight, which is a first. Usually demons are up all night, like USA, but not these guys.

Giles thought he knew where their lair would be, so we decided to go after them at about nine Friday night. Giles let me and Xander go along because there were a lot of the demons and we figured it'd be easier to kill them all with the whole gang helping. It was pretty cool, Xander with the box of molotov cocktails and me with the fire axe. It was like we were Bonnie and Clyde or something. I felt like a real big, bad mama.

Until we got to the clearing in front of their cave. I'm still not sure how Giles figured out exactly where they'd be, or maybe I knew and forgot. I'll ask him tomorrow. But he brought us to the right place, the bones told us that much. I remember Giles saying that was odd, since the books said they ate their entire prey, bones and all. I remember he cocked his head to one side after he said that, like he does when a thought hits him. I remember wondering if he was thinking the same thing I was thinking. I remember thinking that if the books were wrong about that, what else were they wrong about? And I remember screaming as the demons jumped out of nowhere.

There were about ten of them up and around, and they were obviously pretty groggy. I guess the books were half right, because these guys definitely weren't up to snuff. But they sure weren't comatose either. They circled us for a minute, and we heard more of them waking up inside the cave. So, while Giles and Buffy kept the demons back, Xander and I got some molotovs lit and heaved three or four of them into the cave entrance.

Well, that wasn't the best idea as far as the demons were concerned. The ones inside the cave started screaming bloody murder, and the ones outside woke up fast. They were on us before we could react, though Buffy managed to kill one of them on the way in with her sword. I got separated from Xander as a demon smashed its shoulder into my ribs and I went flying. I landed against a tree and hit my head hard, and that was the end of my coherent thoughts for the night.

The rest of the battle is a jumble of mixed up images and memories. I remember flashes here and there, like a strobe light was illuminating the scene. Giles parrying the claws of a demon with his sword, then slashing its throat with the dagger in his left hand. Buffy punching one of them in the face, then picking it up over her head and throwing it at three other demons who were rushing her. Seeing the demon that was coming to kill me and screaming when I realized I couldn't move out of the way. Hoping it wouldn't hurt too much and wishing I'd told Xander I love him. Screaming again when Xander came out of nowhere and brought the axe down into the demon's shoulder and neck. Yelling to warn him when he didn't notice another demon coming up behind him as he tried to free the axe from the one he'd killed. Watching him pull the daggers Giles had given him from his belt and charge at it before it could get close to me.

I must have blacked out for a little while after that, because when I opened my eyes again I saw Xander was covered with the demon's thick, yellowish blood. It was dripping from his daggers and his mouth and all over his clothes. Some of his own blood was mixed in, and he had bloody scratches on his arm and chest, but he was still standing and he was staying between me and the fight.

I blacked out again, and when I woke up I couldn't open my eyes. Xander was carrying me, and he was running. He was whispering to me while he ran. "Please be okay, Will, you gotta be okay." That kind of thing, over and over. I remember feeling safe in his arms. I knew I was hurt, but I felt safe because Xander was holding me.

I guess it must've been early the next morning when I woke up. It was still dark, anyway. The first thing I noticed was Xander. He was sleeping in a chair next to me, bent over the bed with his head resting on his crossed arms. His face was turned towards me, and he had that adorable scrunched up look he always gets when he's sleeping. And he was holding my hand. He'd been holding my hand all night long, I just knew it. It felt wonderful to know that.

Then I saw the plastic bracelet on my wrist and the bandage on Xander's arm. I looked around and realized I was in a hospital bed. When I saw the IV tube sticking out of my left arm, I almost screamed. Tubes are bad. I knew that from when my parents were in that car accident a few years ago. Xander had stayed with me then, too, stayed with me and held me all night long. If he hadn't been with me this time, I'm sure I would have freaked out. I hate hospitals. But Xander was there, so it wasn't as bad.

When I calmed down, I studied his sleeping face. I do that every chance I get. This time was different though, even more special. This time I'd almost died. I would have, if he hadn't saved me. I looked at my hand in his, then back at his face. "I love you, Xander." It was just a whisper, I could barely hear it myself, but it sounded thunderously loud in the silent room.

I'd never said the words out loud to Xander, not even when he was sleeping. I'd always been too scared. Sometimes I'd get nervous even when I was practicing with a picture of him. It felt so good to finally say it, even if he couldn't hear me.

I gasped as Xander moved. I was terrified he was awake, but he wasn't. He was still asleep as he smiled widely and brought my hand to his mouth. He kissed my knuckles tenderly, then he snuggled back down with our hands under his cheek and didn't move again.

It was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me, and it kept me warm as I faded back to sleep.

The next time I woke up was about noon. I know because the clock on the wall was the first thing I saw. Then I stretched my arms and the second thing I saw was Buffy. Or the side of her head, anyway, as she hugged me so tight I thought I was going to pass out again.

"Oh God, Will, I'm so glad you're okay! We were so worried about you." I could hear the remnants of tears in her voice, and I pulled her as close as I could. It felt so good to hold her. It felt so good to be alive enough to hold her.

A few minutes later a doctor came in and interrupted our little hug session. She checked me over and told me I was lucky to have gotten off with a mild concussion and two cracked ribs. I had to agree with her, but I just wanted her to leave so I could talk to Buffy. Maybe she sensed that, or maybe she was just busy, but she left us alone after telling me to take it easy and get a lot of rest, and that she'd be back to check on me in a few hours.

As soon as she left, Buffy threw herself at me and hugged me again, mindful of my ribs this time. I stroked her hair and held her close. Nothing scares Buffy as much as the idea of losing one of the people she cares about.

"It's okay, Buffy, I'm all right." And I was. I was tired, even after sleeping all night, but I felt pretty good. I didn't even feel any pain, really. It was because of Xander, I knew it was.

Then I noticed that he wasn't there. I had woken up and he wasn't there. "Buffy? Where's Xander? And Giles?" My parents were out of town again, but I thought Xander and Giles would be there. I thought Xander would be there. But he wasn't.

I tried to hide the pain, but when Buffy pulled away to look into my eyes, I could tell that she saw it. She smiled though, so I knew it was okay.

"He's asleep, Will. He sat up with you all night, he couldn't have slept more than an hour total. He finally collapsed about an hour ago and we put him in an empty bed down the hall."

Buffy nodded. "They have a lot of empty beds here, I guess. Most of the people who get attacked in Sunnydale go straight to the morgue." Her face darkened for a second, but then she chuckled. "And I don't think it was really a case of letting him use it. They didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter. There's no way he was going home and leaving you here. God, he was frantic, Will. The nurses threatened to sedate him, but he wouldn't leave your side, even when the doctors told him you were going to be fine, that you just needed to rest. He held your hand all night long." Her eyes twinkled as she said it. She's always wanted me and Xander to get together almost as much as I do. "He held your hand all night long, and he wouldn't let go."

I smiled at the happiness in her voice. "I know." She raised an eyebrow and I told her about what had happened when I'd woken up earlier.

She shook her head in wonder. "Oh, it counts. It so counts." She paused for a moment. "I think he heard you, Will."

It was my turn to gasp, and my throat went dry with fear. "What... What do you mean?"

Buffy smiled at my reaction. "I think that must've been when Giles and I went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee and tea. When we got back, Xander had both your hands under his cheek like you said, and the sweetest smile I've ever seen on his face. He woke up when we came in, and his smile got even wider. I knew he was in a good mood because the docs had said you were going to be all right, but it was obviously more than that. When I asked him, he said he'd just had the best dream of his entire life." She looked into my eyes. "He was looking straight at you when he said it, Will."

I wanted to believe it. Oh, how I wanted to believe it. But I couldn't. Xander didn't think of me that way. "Xander doesn't think of me like that, Buffy. I'm just his friend."

She snorted. "You're not just his friend, you're his Willow. And besides, you didn't see his eyes when he woke up. And you didn't see him last night."

I couldn't believe I'd forgotten about the demons. "What happened last night? Are all of you okay? What about the demons?"

She laughed. "We're all fine, and the demons are dead. All of them, we think, but Giles and I are going to do a patrol tonight to make sure." As I started to speak she held up a hand to stop me. "And yes, we'll be more careful than last night."

"Well, after that one demon knocked you into the tree, all hell broke loose. Giles and I took care of most of them, but Xander ended up killing three of them himself. He was like a wild man, Will. Any demon that came near you, he killed it before it knew what hit it. He wasn't letting any of them get anywhere near you. He got hurt himself, but it wasn't too bad, just some scratches on his chest and arm. He'll be fine. The doctors stitched him up and gave him some antibiotics. And Giles says the demons aren't poisonous, so we don't have to worry about that at least."

"Good. What happened after the fight was over?" I wanted to hear her tell me about Xander carrying me.

I think she knew that, because she smiled. "Well, Giles told me to get you to his car, that he'd catch up. He lit the rest of the molotovs and threw them all into the cave to make sure everything in there was dead. He's pretty sure we got them all, but like I said we're going to go check tonight.

"Anyway, when I turned to pick you up, Xander already had you and was headed back to the car." She shook her head in amazement. "I could barely keep up with him. I kept trying to get him to stop and let me carry you, but I don't think he heard me. He just kept whispering to you, begging you to be okay. Finally, I figured he was doing fine on his own and ran ahead to get the car started. We got you as comfortable as we could before Giles showed up, and he drove us here. I counted at least four red lights we blew through, but luckily Sunnydale's finest were just as scarce as they usually are after dark."

She smiled. "Giles was great, Will. As soon as we came into the emergency room with you - or I should say, as soon as Xander came into the ER with you, Giles had a whole story ready to go."

She laughed. "Yep, 'little bit o' badger' is all he said when I asked him where he came up with the idea. I have no idea what he was talking about, and I probably don't want to know. Anyway, he told them we were out trying to get a good look at Venus with your telescope when we pissed off a badger. It came at you but you managed to get out of the way. You tripped and rolled down the hill into a tree, though, that's how you got hurt. Xander tried to help you, but he tripped over the badger and it scratched him up pretty bad. We finally got rid of it, but not before taking some scratches ourselves." She sighed. "I tell ya, Will, that was one tough badger."

She shrugged. "Why wouldn't they? What else could it have been? They were worried about rabies, but we told them Xander was only scratched, not bitten. I think they're going to do some blood tests anyway. Lord knows what they'll find." She chuckled. "Between the twinkies and the demon goop, Xander's blood must be pretty scary, huh?"

I laughed along with her, and was surprised when it turned into a yawn. Buffy smiled and said, "Looks like someone needs a nap."

"Will, we both know you could sleep all day under normal circumstances." I started to give an indignant reply, then just stuck my tongue out at her when she went on without listening to me. "I don't think it's all that weird that you need more rest when you're hurt and hopped up on painkillers."

Her eyes became serious and she leaned over to hug me again. "I'm so glad you're okay. I can't do this without you. You know that, right?" She pulled back to look me in the eye. I didn't trust my voice, so I just nodded. She smiled and gave me another quick hug, then sat back in her chair.

"Okay, I'm gonna let you get some sleep. But think about what I said about Xander, okay? I'm telling you, now's the time to tell him. I think he feels the same way, I really do."

I shook my head as she got up and headed for the door. "I wish it were true, Buffy, but it's not. I know Xander, and he doesn't see me as anything but a friend."

She paused at the door and sighed. "Okay, Will. But think about it." She left before I could answer.

Think about it? As if I could do anything else! I thought about Xander being in love with me as I lay back on the pillow and closed my eyes. I thought about all the wonderful things we'd shared, all the times I wished he'd told me he loved me. The smile on Xander's face when he'd kissed my hand the night before was the last image I saw as sleep claimed me.

Xander and I were working in Miss Lattimer's flower garden, the way we do every Spring. The flowers smelled even more wonderful than they usually do. It was a dream, I knew it was just a dream, but it was wonderful. Xander kept reaching over to touch my hand, or tickle my neck, or smear some dirt on my nose. Just normal Xandery stuff, but the look in his eyes was different. It was love, it was the love I'd always wanted to see there, and I didn't care that it was a dream. I wanted to stay asleep forever so I'd never have to leave the dream. So I'd never have to leave the love in his eyes.

When I felt myself waking up, I tried to fight it, tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. So I just lay there with my eyes closed, trying to recapture the feel of Xander's love and the smell of the flowers.

Flowers. I really could smell flowers. I opened my eyes and they were everywhere. Roses and lilies and daisies and violets and tulips and marigolds and daffodils and too many others to count. And the balloons! All the colors of the rainbow and all over the room. I could barely see the walls through the dangling strings. It was amazing.

It was Xander. I knew it even before I looked down and saw him asleep in the chair. He was holding my hand and smiling, just like he had the night before. I hadn't even realized he was holding my hand. It felt so natural that I hadn't even realized. I couldn't tell where my hand ended and his began.

I was trying to gather the courage to tell him I loved him again when the door opened and Giles walked in. He smiled when he saw that I was awake and carefully picked his way through the flowers and balloons to the side of the bed opposite Xander.

I whispered too. I didn't want to wake Xander. "I'm good. I'm not even that tired anymore."

"Good, good. You had us all terribly worried, young lady." His smile softened the formality of the words.

He nodded. "We believe so. Buffy and I will make sure tonight. Even if a few did escape, we certainly made a dent in their population. I don't think we'll need to worry about them any longer." Xander shifted in his sleep and Giles' eyes were drawn to him. "He saved your life, you know." He brought his eyes up to mine. "Buffy and I were too far away to get to you in time. I would have sworn Xander was as well, and yet, there he was."

"I know." I smiled and squeezed Xander's hand gently. My smile grew even wider when he squeezed back in his sleep. "I saw some of it. I was in and out, I guess."

Giles nodded. "That's not uncommon with head injuries, as I have learned from personal experience." He chuckled warmly. "I never thought I'd be comparing concussions with you, Willow, but I'm very glad you're here to talk about it." He stopped laughing, his face serious. "I'm so very glad you're all right, Willow. I shudder to think what life would be like without you."

I smiled at him, touched by the obvious concern in his voice. "Well, thanks to you guys, we won't have to find out."

Giles shook his head. "Not thanks to us, Willow. Thanks to Xander." He glanced around the room and chuckled again. "You have Xander to thank for the decorations, as well."

I felt my face break into a grin as I looked around the room. "Where did you guys get all this stuff?"

"As I said, it was Xander. I went to check on him, and I must have made too much noise because he woke up. As soon as he opened his eyes he said 'flowers!' Then he dragged me with him down to the car park and made me drive him across town to a lovely little nursery on Prospect Street."

"Mrs. Gianitasio's? I love that place! Xander and I used to help out there sometimes. She's a friend of Miss Lattimer's."

"That's what Xander told me, yes. We went inside and Xander told Mrs. Gianitasio that you were in the hospital and the next thing I knew we were loading up her van with every flower and balloon that wasn't bolted to the floor. She wouldn't accept our money. She obviously thinks very highly of you. So, I drove us back here and we managed to get everything into the room without waking you. I left Xander here to await your reaction while I took the van back, but I see he was too exhausted to last until you woke up." He smiled over at Xander. "Not surprising, I suppose."

Giles nodded. "Yes, she did. Xander said he was going to work to pay her back after you get out of here and go home safely." He smiled warmly. "He chose all of the flowers and balloons himself, Willow. Potted plants, all, you'll notice. 'Nothing that's going to die for my Willow,' those were his exact words."

I looked around and he was right. All the flowers were potted. Nothing that was going to die. I felt tears in my eyes as I looked back at Giles.

His eyes were sparkling. "He loves you very much, Willow. He always has, that's been obvious since the day I met you two. I believe last night he realized just how much you mean to him." He snorted. "And none too soon, really."

"I know." His voice was gentle. "When he wakes up, talk to him. You have to. You know you do."

I nodded as he got up to leave. I couldn't have spoken, even if I'd known what to say.

That was a few minutes ago. I've been sitting here since then, thinking about what Buffy and Giles said and looking at Xander. Waiting for him to wake up.

He's so handsome. He's never believed it, but he is. I love everything about him. The way his mouth curls up in a smile, even when he's asleep. The way his eyes look when he's thinking, like two dark pools that I could lose myself in. His laugh. Oh, how I love his laugh. And the way he can make me laugh, even when all I want to do is cry. Especially when all I want to do is cry.

I love him so much. Is it possible that he loves me? I've wanted that to be true for so long that I can't let myself believe it. If it's not true, I'll die.

But what if it is true? What if he does love me? I have to know for sure, I just have to. If he doesn't, I'll die, but if he does...

Maybe he does. I hope so, because I have to tell him I love him. As soon as he wakes up I'm going to tell him, I swear. I need to know, and I need him to know. It's the only way.

I look back down at him and squeeze his hand in mine. As soon as I do he starts to shift and I know he's waking up.

I've always loved to watch Xander wake up. When we used to have sleepovers, he usually woke up before me, but when I woke up first I'd always watch him. He looks so peaceful when he's asleep, he always has, and when he'd wake up and see me he'd smile, a huge, happy Xander- smile, and my heart would melt because I'd know that he loved me. I know that he loves me.

He does. I've never doubted that, but it's never been the kind of love I wanted. Now I hope he loves me the way I need him to love me. I hope he loves me the way I love him.

He's rubbing his head against the mattress now. He always does that right before he wakes up. Sometimes he'll start to talk at this point, too, that's always fun to hear.

I swear I can feel my heart stop beating as soon as he speaks. It's not just the words themselves, it's the way his voice sounds. Warm. Slow. Sexy. I've always prayed Xander would say something to me with that kind of voice, but now that he has I have no idea what to do.

He smiles, his eyes still closed. "Way you always smell, like strawberries and play-doh."

Strawberries and play-doh. He's always loved the smell of play-doh, ever since we were kids. And I've been using a strawberry shower gel for a couple of years now. I never thought he'd noticed.

But he did. He noticed. Before I can react, his eyes snap open and he jerks upright in his chair. His head turns wildly and his eyes flash over every part of the room before centering on me.

He's still holding my hand. He's holding my hand and he's looking at me with the strangest expression in his eyes. I've never seen it before. Usually I can read Xander's eyes like a book, but I don't know what it is I'm seeing in them now

"Hi." I know I was going to tell him I love him, but I can't. Not until I know what that look in his eyes is.

I nod. "Better than. Thanks to you." I squeeze his hand, wishing I could throw my arms around him. Wishing I could shake this fear I can feel draining what little courage I have.

"That's not the way they tell it, Xander. They said you saved my life. Thank you."

What do I say now? I can't think of a single thing except for 'I love you.' But I can't say that, I can't say it until I'm sure. So what do I say?

His voice startles me and I focus on him again. He's still looking at the floor, and I have to strain to hear him, his voice is so soft.

"I couldn't lose you, Will. I saw the demon knock you into that tree and I knew I couldn't lose you. No matter what else happened, I knew I had to make sure you were safe."

He's silent for a minute. I swear I can hear my heartbeat. It almost drowns out his voice when he goes on. "I don't even remember the fight. Buffy and Giles, they tell me I did okay, they tell me that I saved you. I don't remember. I just remember knowing that I had to keep you safe. And I remember running through the woods with you when it was over. I remember crying and praying that you'd be okay." His eyes finally rise up to meet mine. "I wasn't praying to God, Will. You know I don't do that anymore, not for a long time now. I think... I think I was praying to you."

To me? What does that mean? He doesn't give me time to ask even if I could find the words.

"You're all I have, Will. I mean, yeah, Buffy and Giles, they're great. I love them. But they're not you. Since I was four years old you've been there for me, every day of my life you've been there with me. Everything I've seen and done has been with you. You're the only thing I believe in, Willow, you're the only thing that's real to me. Everything I have that's important, you've given to me. So I think I was praying to you, Will, because you're all there is. You're all I have."

He's crying now. So am I. I don't even realize it until I see the tears in his eyes. I want so badly to lean over and hug him to me, but I can't move. I can't move and I can't speak, no matter how hard I try. So I just sit. And I listen. And I cry.

He brings up his free hand so he can hold my hand in both of his. He lifts it to his mouth and gives it a soft kiss before lowering it back onto the bed. "Thank you for being okay, Will, thank you so much. I need you, Will, I hope you know that. You're my best friend and you're all I have and I love you."

As soon as he says the words he closes his eyes and his tears fall even harder. But they're not happy tears now, or not only happy tears. Xander and I have cried together enough times that I know the difference. What's wrong? I don't understand what's wrong.

He's sorry? Why is he sorry? He loves me, why is he sorry? I don't understand and I still can't make myself move or speak or do anything but sit here and watch him cry.

"I swear to God, Will, I didn't mean to ruin it like this. I just couldn't help it. I saw you hurt and I just knew that I love you. I know that... I mean, I know that you could never feel that way about me, and I understand, I really do. But I had to tell you. I'm sorry, but I had to. So, I was hoping that we could just forget it now, okay, because I can't lose you, Will. I need you, even if it's as just friends, okay? Please tell me we can still be friends, Will? Please tell me you don't hate me?"

His eyes are pleading with me as he dries his tears, begging me not to hate him, and I still can't say a word, and I still can't move a muscle. After a few seconds, the hope in his eyes dies and he starts to get up. He's going to leave. He's going to get up and he's going to leave.

And suddenly I can move again. I squeeze his hand as hard as I can as I bring my other hand up to the back of his head, and I pull him down and I kiss him. I kiss him and I'm hoping that I'll be able to speak again by the time we stop, but I don't think it matters because I never want to stop.

I'm kissing Xander, and it's everything I always dreamed it would be. He loves me, he does, I can tell by the way his hands come up to gently cup my face and by the sounds he's making and by the tears. We're both crying again, and his tears taste like love. I hope mine do too.

Finally, finally we stop kissing and he pulls back and looks at me and his eyes are full of love, so much love.

His smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but it's gone far too quickly. "You can't love me, Willow, you shouldn't. I don't deserve you. You deserve so much better than me, I'm nothing..."

I bring my hand up to his lips to stop him. "Don't you ever say that! You're not nothing! You're Xander. You're my Xander, and you don't get to decide if I should love you. Only I get to decide that, and I do. I love you. I love you so very much, Xander, and I always have and I always will."

He's still not sure. He starts to speak, but I don't let him. I pull him back in for another kiss. It's the fastest way I can think of to shut him up, the fastest and the best.

When I let him go, he's smiling again. This smile is even more wonderful than the last one, and I know he believes me. I know that he's going to let me love him. And you'd better believe that I'm going to let him love me. His arms move around me and he's holding on to me like he's never going to let me go. And I don't want him to let me go, not ever.