When the embers die

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Lessons

Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB. No copyright infringement is intended.

The radio hummed softly in the background, barely loud enough for Willow Rosenberg to make out the words but enough to give comfort as the rain continued to pour down outside.

She was curled up on the sofa, a computer textbook resting heavily in her lap but the words blurred in front of her eyes. She was tired but not tired enough to face bed, knowing that Buffy would be home in a few hours, soaked through from slaying in the rain and Willow wanted to be up to find her friend a blanket, and a warm cup of cocoa. She glanced up at the clock on the wall - 11:47pm.

She thought of Oz, her boyfriend. She still could not think of him as her ex, even if he had left and sent for his things. She wondered where he was, if he was okay and was thinking of her. She wished she at least had a number where she could reach him, to at least hear his voice but she didn’t even have that. He had left her with nothing. And a part of her could understand why he had to go away - he had never really dealt with the fact he was a werewolf and however wrong Veruca was, she had shown Oz who he was inside. Oz hadn’t liked that. So she could give him space. She could give him time. But being away from him, living with the fear that he might not return, that he might realise the person he was didn’t include her. She couldn’t deal with that.

She sighed softly and let the book drop to the floor. She practically could of written the text herself anyway. She wasn’t worried about the test, she could ace it in her sleep and she tried to place the uneasy feeling in her stomach. It was almost like nerves, a kind of unsteady feeling that made her want to pace or something. Anything to relieve the tension she felt. She wandered towards the window - the apartment was second floor and had a view of the college campus. Nice in summer but in this weather, nothing more than a black, eerie field awash with water.

She peered outside, looking up at the moon barely visible through the heavy clouds. Three-quarters full she knew - Willow made it a point to keep track of the moons cycles. The dutiful girlfriend of a werewolf.

A heavy knocking on the door made Willow jump. It couldn’t be Buffy, she had a key and Willow quickly listed her possibilities. Giles was most likely, worried about his Slayer but considering Giles activities of the past few months, maybe not. Could be Riley, looking for Buffy but it was a little late, even for Riley. A vampire waiting with pointed fangs to make her his next supper. Possible, in Sunnydale, but vampires weren’t known for knocking before attacking.

A new thought made her smile - Oz. Hurrying back to Sunnydale to be with her. It didn’t matter that every time she heard a knock on the door, or a phone ringing, her hopes soared that he was returning but ever time her hopes were dashed.

As the knock came again, Willow smile grew to a grin as she hurried to the door and pulled it open.

She blinked at the dark-haired guy standing there, dripping on the hallway carpet “Xander” she said, surprised at how blank her voice sounded.

He shook his head, sending water droplets flying “Hey Will” he muttered, stuffing his hands deeper into his black jacket.

She frowned, still standing there, staring at him. His dark eyes seemed puffy and red, almost like he had been crying but through all the water anyway, it was impossible to tell. The way he stood hunched and dejected was also a clue.

Willow felt a little sad - there was a time when just a glance in his direction, could tell Willow exactly what her oldest friend was feeling. That was how she thought of him now, oldest friend, never best friend.

Something had changed in that trip he took away - when he came back, she had finally seen how different things were now between them. They still talked and hung out, but there was a distance there. An almost unspoken agreement that what they had, what they shared in the past, was dead and buried. Willow was in college now with a boyfriend, Xander stuck at home figuring what he was going to do with the rest of his life. Whatever had bound them together as friends in school, two misfits with no-one else to turn too, had vanished.

Which was why she was so surprised to see him here, on her doorstep at this time. Unless there was some demon-raising evil.

He raised his eyebrows at her “Can I come in?” He sounded really quiet, really down.

Willow shook herself “Sure” she muttered and stepped aside so he could do just that.

Xander stepped through and looked round the small apartment as if he was seeing it for the first time.

Willow closed the door behind him “What’s up?” she asked him.

He turned and Willow saw whatever control he had been holding crumpled as he looked at her.

He was shaking and from something more than the cold. His dark eyes were so filled with pain, that Willow knew he had been crying. His mouth shook as he struggled not to break down, right there and then “Will” he began and his voice cracked at her name.

He looked so . . . so lost and unsure and hurt. Every protective and caring instinct in Willow flared. She came over to him, held her arms out “Xander, what is it?”

He pulled her into his embrace and clung onto her tightly, his arms wrapped round her back, his head resting on her shoulder.

She returned the hug lightly, wanting to comfort him, not sure she remembered how. She was frowning still, confused “Xander” she said lightly “You’re making me all wet”

He pulled back and looked down at her, his dark eyes staring down into her green ones.

She looked back up at him steadily “Are you okay?”

His answer was to kiss her, right on the mouth.

Willow was so shocked, she couldn’t think for a moment, her body instinctively responding to his as she leaned into the kiss . . . just as she had a year ago when they found themselves in each other arms.

Quickly Willow regained control of her senses, reminding herself of Oz and everything she had now, everything she had almost lost with that last fluke. It didn’t even matter that Oz was gone - they had never broken up, so it would still be like cheating on him.

She scrambled out of his embrace and backed off a few paces. Without thinking, she rubbed her mouth, trying to get rid of any trace of his kiss. She felt a flash of anger. “Xander, what the hell did you do that for?” she snapped at him, not sure who she was angry at. Him, or herself for almost letting it happen, for wanting it to happen.

He stared at her for a few moments, his expression still broken and a little hurt “I just, I need you Willow” he replied, with more honestly and directness that Xander Harris, class clown, had ever shown.

“Well, I don’t need this!” she shot back “Okay, there’s Oz and you had no right to just kiss me like that! I can’t believe you”

He glanced away “You really mean that?” his voice was soft.

“I do” she said firmly “I don’t know what your problem is, or , or, or what form of insanity made you come here but I want you to leave”

He blinked a few times, taking that in then stepped towards her, reaching out “Please, Willow, you don’t understand . . .”

She stood tall, forcing herself to be unaffected by his destroyed expression “I don’t need too, Xander. Not anymore. What was it? Not getting any from Anya, missing the broom closet with Cordelia so you thought, hey I know, how about good old dependable Willow - she’s always good to use when I don’t have anyone else!” Years of bitterness crept into her voice, making it drip with sarcasm. She didn’t mean to be so harsh but it wasn’t fury her body was shaking with - it was something else, a bad feeling she thought had long disappeared the moment in the factory, when she thought she was going to die. The moment Oz walked in, saw them wrapped in each others arms and the expression on his usually so unmoved face. A tiny voice whispered in her ear - maybe Ozs leave had been coming for a long time. She shook that thought away. He would be back. He would. If he loved her at all.

Something sparked in his eyes “You really think that?” he demanded.

“Show me the evidence its not true?” she retorted.

“I’d never do anything to hurt you!” he said, voice raising a notch.

“Mmm, lets see” she answered, matching his volume with her own “Buffy rejects Xander. First thing Xander does, goes asks Willow to the prom. I tell you I love you, first thing you do. Sleep with Faith! I’d say that’s enough to put me in the justified camp”
“It wasn’t like that!” Xander shouted back at her “You don’t understand, Willow, I made a few mistakes, I made a ton but, that doesn’t mean . . .”

She shouted over him, cutting off his words “You disappear for three months on some stupid soul searching trip. You don’t call or write, not even a single postcard and I don’t know if you’re alive or dead, or anything!” her eyes glowed with fury “It means you think of only one thing - yourself! Not how much you hurt the people around you, or how finding you in the stacks kissing the schools resident bitch, might kill the one person in your life whose meant to mean something to you!” she was yelling now, years of pain stumbling out in her words “I can’t do it anymore, be your doormat, be the person who holds you when you’re down and makes you feel better when some girl screws you over! I can’t love you, whatever you do, because you’ve done so much so I am asking you, once more, get out!”

“So that’s it!” he was yelling too “You’re throwing away almost fifteen years of friendship because I was growing up. Because I can’t be the perfect white knight you made me into!” he advanced on her “Is that it?”

She returned her voice to normal volume, but still it shook with emotion “Get out, Xander. Its over. This is over. We should just accept it and move on. We’re 18 years old. Our childhood’s dead. Lets stop clinging onto it!”

He stared at her, eyes widening. His voice also returned to normal “I don’t know you anymore” he murmured “You’re not my Willow”

Her smile was grim “She’s all grown-up Xander. Maybe its time you do the same”

He walked past her to the door. Reached for the handle. He paused and looked back at her “You don’t even want to know why I came over?” he asked her gently.

She shook her head, very slowly and deliberately.

He nodded “Thought as much. See you around, Willow Rosenberg”

He slammed the door as he left.

Willows body jerked at the noise. Anger drained out of her almost as quickly as it had come, leaving her feel weak and drained. She tried to work out how that conversation had snowballed, gone from a hug of comfort to the end of a friendship just a year ago Willow had treasured above all else.

Xander was right. She had changed. The question was, did she like who she had become? A person who could hurt Xander, when he obviously came here in pain? Suddenly the words in the song playing snapped into clear focus . . .

Tears began to drip, she dropped down to her knees, hugging her arms round herself, remembering with a crash all the things that had seemed to insignificant when she was trying to dredge up every bit of pain he had ever caused her, in some stupid way of destroying the fact she cared about him, more than she cared about her own boyfriend.

The young boy in the park, taking her hand, asking her to be his friend.

The young man, in school, struggling with work, asking her to help him.

And the man, standing in front of her, asking her to love him,

Nothing had died between them. She had just been scared. Loving Oz had brought her strength and security, a belief she could be seen as beautiful and incredible. And admitting her feelings for Xander was, like, admitting what she had with Oz was over and she didn’t know if she was ready to do that. For all loving Xander had brought was pain and trouble, for everybody and she had decided it was too difficult. She had brought this between them - Xander was right, he had done nothing wrong but struggle to grow up.

“Oh Xander” she murmured.

The tears dried, slowly, to be replaced by a silent resolve.

She would find him and apologize and make it all right again, make things the way they were supposed to be.

She remembered something Buffy had said a few weeks into term, when she noted Xander and Willow were no longer spending each waking second together. Willow had told her that this was college, and things were different in college. Buffy had said that a world without Xander and Willow as friends was a world too freaky to consider. As always, Buffy was so right.

Willow stood, she grabbed a jacket from the stand by the door and pulled it on. She grabbed the keys to Buffy’s car from the side and was out her apartment in seconds.

Willow pulled the car up outside the Harris house, saw the familiar porch with the hanging baskets that hadn’t been watered in a decade. The broken mail box that had been broken by Xander himself when he was seven and never repaired. A lifetime of memories was wrapped up in that small two-storey building.

It was dark inside, no lights on and Willow noted Raymonds Harris’s car was not in the driveway. Strange. Since loosing his job six years ago, Xanders dad barely left the house, let alone actually get into a car and drive it. And Xander wouldn’t of taken it, he knew it was more than his life was worth to take something of his fathers.

Willow climbed up, throwing up her hood but it didn’t too much good against the torrential rain.

She hurried up the rickety steps and stood in front of the front door, flashing back to her younger self, standing in front of the same door - hearing shouting and swearing, before the shattering sound of something breaking.

She had snuck through the back way then, crept up to Xanders bedroom. They had packed his bag and he had slept over her house that night. And many nights after that.

She closed her eyes briefly before knocking on the door.

She waited for a while than knocked again louder.

“I’m coming” a voice said from the other side.

The door creaked open and Mrs. Harris peered through the screen. She was in a dressing gown, her brown curls loose and unbrushed. In her hand she held a glass, filled with something Willow was willing to bet wasn’t Diet Coke.

“Mrs. Harris?” Willow said, a little uncertainly. Truth be told, Julia Harris had always scared her a little “Sorry to call so late. Is Xander home?”

The older woman peered at Willow through the screen “Willow, right? Sorry honey, Xander took off, not long after . . .” she stopped and sniffed “Well, anyway, he’s not here”

Willow hesitated, looking closely at the woman. She had the same look as her son had - dejected and broken. Julia Harris had always had an haunted look in her bloodshot eyes but, tonight, the look was more final - as if something had been destroyed inside her.

For the first time, Willow was scared for Xander and a fresh wave of guilt washed over her that she had sent him away, into the cold night, when something was seriously wrong with him.

“Mrs. Harris, is everything okay?” she pressed lightly “I mean, you look . . .”

“Drunk” Rachel finished for her “But than I’ve never really been sober, have I?” she flashed a smile “You look soaked, honey, why don’t you come in?”

Willow considered - Xander might come home. He may be on his way now. She nodded and entered.

Xanders mother led her through to the kitchen and Willow took a seat at the small breakfast table, used as a dining one as well. She noted the two empty bottles, one vodka, the other whisky on the side.

Mrs. Harris saw her attention “There not both mine. Whiskeys Ray’s” she sat down on the chair opposite “He finished it off tonight”

Willow caught her tone of voice “Sorry, I don’t want to ask personal question but . . .”

Julia waved her hand “You were more of a family to my son than I was, honey. You ask anything you want”

Willow nodded and looked down “What happened tonight? Cause Xander came to my house, really upset and I,” she could barely say it, she felt so bad, “I sent him away.”

Mrs. Harris raised her eyebrows “You sent him away?”

“Yeah” Willow whispered “I didn’t know, I didn’t realize - I mean, that’s why I’m here. To say sorry.”

Mrs. Harris nodded, slowly, staring off into space “We’re all a little too late for sorry, Willow” she admitted “Raymond left tonight”

Willow gaped, reeling a little in shock “He left?” she gasped.

Julia nodded “Packed his bags and walked out. Talked about going to Texas or something, I don’t know. Anywhere away from here and me” she frowned at Willow “Don’t look so upset. It was going to happen. It was going to happen the day we got married. It was never right and I always knew it. I’m just sorry I had to drag Alexander and you through it”

Willow was still confused, still trying to get hold of the fact Xanders dad, the big guy who had once carried her on his shoulders when she hurt her ankle, was gone “Me?”

“Sure you” Mrs. Harris said, taking a sip of her drink “My son loves you, doesn’t he? But never did anything about it. I may of seen the world through a alcohol haze but I’m still his mother. I taught him that. I use to tell him, love never works out son, life always screws you over before it can be anything. Better to ignore it, forget about it then make it mean something”

Willow didn’t know that. All she could do was stare.

“I was never a good mother to my son, I can admit that. I was never a good wife either. I lived my life full of regret and tried to force Xander to live the same way. That he was going to add up to nothing, that love wasn’t worth the pain” she shook her head “And its too late to do better”

Willow reached for her, covered her hand with her own “Its never too late. Xander loves you, very much, I know that”

“He’s a good boy” she agreed “Better than me, than his father. He reminds me sometimes of . . .” her smile became a little wistful, a light appear in her eyes as she trailed off.

“Of who?” Willow prompted.

“Someone I used to know” Julia’s voice was far away, distant, caught up in a memory “Someone I lost when I should of held onto him. Instead of the person I ended up marrying.” she turned her head away, pulled her hand out from Willows “You don’t want to hear this. Some poor old mother bemoaning the yester years, the happiness she almost had but let slip away”

“I do” Willow urged “I really do”

Mrs. Harris showed another faint smile “Maybe you do. Maybe it’ll even help you. Well, I was your age and going to that school that’s now in pieces . . .”

Sunnydale, California. 1969

The game still had five minutes of play but the victory was already sealed. It was Sunnydale’s first victory in, well, a while.

On the side-lines Julia Gordon screamed her heart out, waving her pom-poms and jumping up and down in excitement “GO RAY!” she yelled, so loud she felt her vocal chords strain with the effort.

The teams star quarterback, the real reason behind the teams sudden winning streak, barreled through the last line of opposition and easily tossed the ball over the bar to score yet another touchdown.

Behind her, the crowd screamed in agreement, their sweat-streaked faces illuminated by the white lights of the football stadium.

For a second, Ray Harris was swamped by his team-mates, rushing to congratulate him but as he rose again, it was in Julia’s direction that he flashed a handsome smile.

On Julia’s left, Lesley Morgan grinned at her friend “Nice moves”

Julia eyes shone, her face flushed “He’s the best” she agreed warmly.

‘And he’s my boyfriend’ she added to herself, with relish.

Raymond Harris, football star and all round popular guy. When he walked down the hallway of Sunnydale High, people did all but salute him. When Julia was on his arm, people paid attention to her - people cared what she thought and what she wanted. It was an addictive feeling - it didn’t even matter that Ray was an egotistical bore with a small town mentality that meant high-school football was going to be the highpoint of his life.

All that mattered was that when she was with him, Julia could be someone - someone who was beautiful and popular. She had never been anyone before and didn’t really know how it happened.

One minute she was a shy dancer and barely her teachers knew her name, then her neighbor Lesley asked her to fill in for a cheerleader who had moved away - suddenly Julia had all this. She may not have Lesley’s blond-haired, blue eyed good looks or the other girls twig-like bodies, but when the music started and Julia moved, none of that mattered. People watched - and even as a dancer, she had never really been watched before by people who wanted to be her, who wanted her to like them. With Ray by her side, Julia could do anything.

The crowd shouted out as the clock counted down the last ten seconds of the game. Ray had the ball, he was running for the line, the away teams defenders moving in to tackle him but it was all pointless. The counter hit zero.

Ray stopped, tore off his helmet and threw the ball high up in the air with a yell of triumph.

The crowd went wild - as the losers slunk off, it seemed the entire student population of Sunnydale rushed onto the small field in one huge, mass movement.

Julia was pulled along with them, riding on the waves of success. People waved at her, screaming congratulations when all she had really done was stand on the side and look cute in a short skirt. People hugged her, called her name and flashes of cameras went off.

Even as she laughed and smiled with them, Julia glanced up, into the stadium. The stands were almost empty, even though the game had finished only seconds before. Everyone was on the field and only a few stragglers remained. Her eyes fixed on one guy, sitting alone in the back row - a lonely, solitary figure.

He had come - for her. Her grin became a soft, gentle smile. Despite the fact he hated football, despite the fact he called all the people who watched it mindless zombies, he had come because she had wanted him too, and that touched her deeply.

She tried to raise her hand, to wave but couldn’t in the crush of bodies. For a second, all these congratulatory hugs seemed empty and she wanted, very much, for him to be here with his comforting arms.

She watched him stand and start to trail down the steps to the exit, his head low, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

Without thinking, her lips formed his name “Aidan”

He stopped and looked downwards. His eyes traveled across the distance and settled on her. She stood on tip-toes, straining to see him.

He smiled and she could feel the warmth behind it.

They stared at each other, smiling, speaking without words and Julia felt the crowd slip away, all the people begin to vanish . . .

“Julia!” Two large hands wrapped round her waist, picking her up as easily as a mother picked up a small baby. Rays arms were strong as he lifted her up off the floor “Did you see?” he asked.

She laughed at him “I couldn’t miss it!” she replied happily “You were great”

“I know” he replied as he lowered her and leaned forward for a kiss.

Julia’s glanced quickly behind him before their lips met but Aidan was gone.

Inwardly, Julia sighed as she wrapped her arms round Rays neck and he pulled her closer. The celebrations continued around them.

I’ll make it up to Aidan tomorrow, Julia thought to herself. It wasn’t her fault really that the game fell on Friday night - the night when she and Aidan usually climbed the hill to star-watch using the telescope his dad had brought him last birthday. She had explained to him how important the game was, and he must of understood or he wouldn’t of been here, tonight.

Ray pulled back from the kiss “Come on” he urged, reaching for her hand “My house, party!”

Again, she was being pulled in the direction of the parking lot. Lesley caught up with them and linked her arm with Julia’s spare.

“Hey Julia” Ray said, looking over at her “Its the prom in one week, you’re still my date, right?”

Julia blinked.

Beside her, Lesley squealed in delight.

Julia couldn’t speak for a moment - his date, for prom, that meant not only were they official but that Julia now stood a good chance of being Homecoming queen.

Lesley shook her arm, blue eyes shining “Of course she is!”

Ray raised his eyebrows “Julia?” he pressed.

“Of course I am” Julia echoed weakly and winced as Ray pulled her into a bear hug.

“That’s my girl” he said, proudly and hurried off to the rest of the team, where again he disappeared in a mountain of muscles, pounding him on the back and furiously shaking his hand.

“Julia, do you know what this means!” Lesley cooed.

Julia could only nod. The prom. One week this Friday. The night when she and Aidan were supposed to be visiting his mothers grave, an annual tradition started when they were very young. They would bring blankets and food and camp out under the stars. They’d never get any sleep because they would be too busy talking. Or sometimes Aidan would just sit and stare at the tombstone, with Julia holding his cold hand.

She didn’t know how to tell him that this year, she wasn’t going to make it.

Lesley was still hugging her arm “Julia, say something! I mean, this is huge!”

Julia turned to her friend “Did Ray say something about a party?” she asked and smiled brightly.

The sun was just beginning to rise over the small town as Julia let herself into the back garden of the Turner house. She took the three steps up the back door and stepped into the kitchen, smiling at the familiar sunny yellow cabinets.

Greg Turner was standing at the oven, moving an egg about in the frying pan. He glanced over his shoulder at Julia and smiled “Sunny-side up, right?” he asked.

She smiled back at him “That’s my Saturday morning breakfast” she agreed and turned to Aidan. He was sat at the table, his longs legs stretched out under it and holding the morning paper.

He seemed to sense her attention and lowered the paper slightly to nod to her, his brown eyes warm “Did you know” he began “that in this fast-growing town, the death rate is over triple the amount of people moving here. And that’s weekly”

“Really” Julia said and took the chair opposite “That’s really fascinating, thanks” Aidan folded up the paper and faced her, obviously warming up to the topic. Aidan was smart, probably the smartest guy in the school and once he found a subject that interested him, he’d never let it drop. He was someone with few interests or hobbies, but the ones he did have were obsessions. It was why he scared a lot of people about school, but it was what had always attracted Julia to him as friend. She loved his intensity and knew, that because of it, she could trust him with everything, until the end. She would guess that their friendship was one of his obsessions - he devoted so much time to it. It meant a lot to her too - and before cheerleading, it had meant everything.

“But doesn’t that scare you? I mean this is middle class suburban American and we have death rates that makes LA look tame. Don’t you wonder?”

“Wonder what?” Julia retorted “Why people die? No, I don’t. Death happens, Aidan. Its a fact of life” she said it softly, knowing this was something close to her friends heart.

He shrugged and picked up the paper again “I just think there’s more to it than that. People do die, but they die for a reason. I’m just wondering what causes that reason”

“Ever the scientist” he father said as he carried over the pan, and placed the egg on Julia’s place “But is this really weekend conversation, Aid” His tone was friendly - his wife’s death had affected Gregory Turner deeply and for a while, he had retreated into himself, leaving Aidan to care for himself. When Gregory began to pull himself together, Aidan didn’t really need a father and they became more friends than anything.

“Thanks” Julia nodded to Greg “And yeah, lets talk about something else”

Greg picked up a cup of coffee “I’ll leave you kids too it. I’m going to watch the news”

Julia started on her egg, watching Aidan as he read “So, you came to the game?” she began carefully.

“You noticed, huh?” he said dryly, from behind the paper.

“Of course I did” she frowned “It was nice of you. Did you enjoy it?”

“Which part? The mindless cavemen attacking each other in the names of sports or the wannabe models parading their figures in short skirts in the name of school spirit?”

She lowered her eyes “Don’t be like that” she murmured, hurt he would not support her in this.

He put down the paper “I’m sorry” he said honestly “Its just, you’re a dancer, Jules, but you haven’t been to a single lesson since you picked up this cheerleading. I thought dancing was what you wanted to do with your life”

“It was!” she snapped and winced “I mean, it is! The seasons almost over, anyway, I can go back to dancing then”

He shook his head as he reached for his own coffee.

She didn’t like his expression “This makes me happy, Aid. I enjoy it”

“Fine” His tone was ice-cool.

“Don’t be like this” she begged him, feeling unhappy.

“How are you and Ray?”

His question was so abrupt and out of nowhere, that it startled Julia for a second “We’re fine” she answered slowly “I mean, you know, we’re good”

“Everyone at the game was talking about what a cute couple you made” he raised his eyes and studied her “They said you were a shoe-in for homecoming queen”

Julia froze - this was it, the moment of truth. He had just given her the perfect lead-in to what she had to tell him. All she had to say was ‘I’m going to the prom’ and it would all be over. Her stomach muscles clenched in nervous anticipation and her heart beat faster.

I can’t do it too him, she thought in a rush, he’s my friend and its not fair.

But, homecoming queen . . . she could almost see the crowds in her minds eyes, clapping, cheering her name - the gym lit up in a thousand disco lights as she made her way to the stage to collect her crown. It was a night every girl dreamed of.

“Do they?” she squeaked at last, feeling the moment slip away and, as the coward she was, she let it. Later, she told herself, I’ll tell him later “So, what are we doing today?” she asked quickly, desperate to change the subject.

“Its sunny in Sunnydale” Aidan said “I have to go the library first but then I thought we’d take a walk out to the hills. Bring along a picnic or something”

She grinned “I’d like that”

The sun was on the edge of the horizon as Aidan and Julia finally fell silent. They had climbed to the top of the hills surrounding Sunnydale that morning, and now they lay side by the side - the small town stretching in front of them.

If asked, Julia couldn’t really tell specifically what they had talked about all day - one conversation had melted into another as one topic turned into a different one. Yet all of it, left her with a lingering warmth all over - a comfortable, safe feeling as if the happiness she felt covered every inch of her body.

Beside her, she could feel Aidan smiling “I miss this” he confessed.

She turned her head, saw his serious, somber expression which stopped her instantly from making a joke. With the sun gone, the time for laughter seemed to have passed. The dark seemed a time for secret confessions and heart to hearts. For truths that you maybe didn’t want to hear and fears that seemed foolish by the light of day.

She nodded “Yeah, me too” And she did. She tried to remember the last time she and Aidan had done this - spent the day together, but the memory was difficult to find. It was months ago - at least five, she thought. And wasn’t it five months very soon that she had picked up cheerleading?

“What do you love about it?” he asked.

She blinked “About what?”

“The cheerleading?”

She frowned, had Aidan read her mind? She wouldn’t put it past him “I love the way it makes me feel” she answered after a moments pause.

“Oh” The silence dragged on again than Aidan said “You looked beautiful up there, you know, so alive. Almost glowing”

She flushed with embarrassment “Not beautiful. Lesley Morgan, she’s beautiful”

Aidan shook his head, his eyes still on the disappearing sun “Then why isn’t Ray dating her?” he asked softly.

That threw her. For a moment she didn’t know what to say. “What do you mean?” she asked, at last.

“I mean, if Lesley Morgan was the most beautiful and popular girl in school, Ray would be dating her, not you”

She shook her head “You lost me”

“Ray’s the captain of the football team, he’s handsome and popular. By law, he gets to date the female equivalent of himself.”

She almost laughed, almost “That’s not true!”

“Sure it is” Aidan said calmly “Its how high-school works. Hang around in the boys locker room long enough, you learn a few things. Guys like Ray, they don’t go for brains or a sense of humor. They’re after one thing. Looks. How a girl looks on their arm, how the other guys drool over her and how much they can brag about how easy she is”

“Rays not like that” she protested and it sounded weak, even to her.

“But that’s the reason, you do it too. Isn’t it?” he asked, looking at her, finally “You like feeling beautiful, feeling special. Ray makes you feel like that. The most important girl in school” he shook his head.

“You think I’m that shallow?” she hissed, feeling anger rise up in her.

“My Julia wasn’t. This Julia is. Look at her, sitting beside me, her hair held in place by hairspray, her face covered in make-up, clothes that show up every inch of her figure. I hardly recognize you”

Her voice was tightly controlled - he had no right to say these things “Then why are you here?” she demanded.

He shrugged “For a while there, I had you back. The kind, caring Julia who didn’t give a damn about this superficial junk. I miss her.”

Julia closed her eyes “She’s still here” she murmured.

“Is she, Jules?” he stood suddenly, and looked down at her “I’m not so sure” He turned to go.

She jumped up and grabbed his arm “You’re not being fair!” she almost shouted it at him.

“Fair?” he snapped back “You want to talk about fair? How about how you treat me? When your in school, I’m lucky if I even get a smile. If you even notice me. I’m your best friend, dammit Julia, I care about you regardless of make-up or some stupid homecoming title! I care about you for you, or for who I thought you were. I - “ he stopped, trailed off and just stood there, breathing hard, unable to look at her.

“You what?” she gasped, wanting him to finish that sentence. Aidan was not, by any stretch of the imagination, someone who openly talked about their feelings. He was very private, always in control - she had only really seem him this unstable once, before. A long time ago.

The guilt nagged at her. She realized why she was so mad - everything he had said was true.

He turned his back on her, almost in disgust “I think I should go”

Again, she tried to catch his hand “Aid, don’t leave things like this”

He shrugged her arm off “Like what? Like your the high-school beauty and I’m the geek without a chance. Well, guess what? That’s the way its always been. I just never thought it mattered, not to you. I was stupid”

He walked away. She let him. She didn’t know why, there really wasn’t a reason. Except that she was afraid to stop him, to pull him back and force him to finish the sentence he had begun.

‘I . . .’ He what?

The geek without a chance. A chance with what? Her?

The sun finally disappeared and night came fast. Julia was left alone.

As soon as Julia walked up the steps into Sunnydale High Monday morning, she saw the row of lockers plastered in posters.

Julia Gordon - Prom Queen.

She stared at the posters in confusion and, after a second, recognized the photograph of her on there. It had been taken at her first game. She had gone to congratulate Ray on a good play, he had put his arm round her shoulders - and the photographer from the school paper had asked her if he could take a picture for the front page.

She stared at their smiling faces, and thought of Aidan. They had not spoke since Saturday. She hated things left like this.

Her mouth dropped open - he would know! He would see the picture and know she was going to the prom.

Julia rushed forward, heading to the nearest locker and ripped it down, in desperation. Oh god, she was thinking, oh god, if he finds out like this, he’ll hate me, probably forever . . . Julia felt sick, physically sick. The thought of Aidan hating her was impossible to bear.

“Julia, what are you doing?” Lesley cried, running up, grabbing the torn poster from Julia’s shaking hands “Are you nuts?”

“Lesley, I . . .” she stopped. What could she say?

Lesley smoothed down the poster and smiled “You like? Ray bullied some little freshmen into doing them. Whipped off 100 copies. They’re all over the school. Impressive, huh?” she smoothed down her blonde hair “If I hadn’t already won every title this school had to offer, I would be jealous of the competition”

“You’re not?” she asked.

Lesley pulled her away from the locker and they started down the corridor “Of course not” she replied “I created you, Julia. Its like, I’m handing down the crown” she smiled “My little ugly duckling. It will be a blast to watch you become a swan”

Julia really had no response for that but she was pretty sure she didn’t like it. However, Lesley obviously meant it as a compliment.

“So have you picked out a dress?” Lesley asked “Not purple, mine is purple but I think red. Something bright, like, here I am. Not that yuck black dress you wore the last dance. You know, when you went with that loser guy . . .”

Julia’s heart tightened “Aidan” she whispered, remembering that night. No-one had spoken to her the whole evening, not one person has asked her to dance - but it had been wonderful.

“Right, Adam” Lesley agreed “Glad that’s so over. Ohh, look, there’s Ray” she waved energetically.

Ray bounded over, gave Julia a grin that was all misplaced charm. He scooped her up in an hug and kissed her firmly on the mouth “Hey, beautiful”

She managed a weak smile “Hey. Nice posters”

“Yeah” he agreed “Well, if I’m homecoming king, I need a queen who looks the part”

She looked away “What about who I am, does that count for nothing?”

He was confused “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what if I was ugly but the nicest, kindest person in the world. Would you still want me as your queen?”

He kissed her nose “Don’t talk crazy, Jules”

She flinched “Don’t call me that”

He didn’t know what to make of her “Call you what?”

“Jules. My name is Julia”

“Sure, okay babe” he grinned again and put his arm round her shoulder “So, your all set for the prom?”

“The prom?” the voice came from behind them. Ray turned and Julia followed him.

Aidan stood there, eyes blazing with anger “You’re going to the prom” he held one of the posters in his hands. He looked - devastated.

“Who is this geek?” Ray demanded angrily.

Julia was near tears, his expression said it all. She had screwed up, real bad and there wasn’t much she could do now to redeem herself to Aidan “Aid, I was going to tell you, I really was. It was just . . .”

“Just nothing” Aidan interrupted harshly “Just that you don’t give a damn about me anymore. Well, guess what Jules, I don’t need you. Wear your stupid crowd, hold onto this morons arms. I hope you’re very happy”

Ray grabbed his arm as he turned to go and pushed him violently against the locker. He raised his fist, aiming for Aidan’s nose. “Who the hell do you think you are?!” he hissed at Aidan “Take that back!”

Aidan remained calm, he simply stared at Ray and said nothing. Just waited for the fist. Julia saw then that Aidan was far braver than Ray ever could be - it took far more courage to take a punch then to actually do the punching.

Julia touched Rays arm, crying gently “Please Ray, let him go. Please”

Ray softened slightly but not by much. He threw Aidan away, Aidan stumbled but regained his footing. He looked at Julia and shook his head “Goodbye Jules.”

He walked away.

Julia took a step after him, crying harder now “Aidan, don’t!”

He kept on walking. He didn’t look back. Julia’s heart broke inside her chest.

“AIDAN!” she screamed in pain and unhappiness.

He still walked on. Didn’t even flinch.

Beside her, Rays focused on Julia’s tears and then looked past her to Aidan.

He frowned “Who was that Julia?” he demanded, no sympathy in his voice.

Julia continued to cry “He was everything” she answered.

It was the night of the prom. Julia stared at her reflection in the mirror and saw a different person. Her dress was dark green, long flowing skirt and tight bodice. Her brown hair was down, done in loose curls and her dark eyes were wide. She looked every inch a prom queen - and felt nothing more than gutter trash.

For the fifteenth time, her eyes went to the phone. In her mind eyes, she saw herself dialing Aidan’s number. She heard him answering. She heard herself apologizing, begging for forgiveness and him saying of course, he forgave her, of course they could be friends again because they were friends forever.

She never did. She just couldn’t summon the courage. She couldn’t face what Aidan would say, or do. Without talking to him, she could continue to hope they could sort things out. Continue to dream.

When she knew, if they talked, she would realize it was over.

But what had she lost in this? A friend - why did that matter when she had a school of people desperate to be her friend.

When he walked away, she knew she had lost far more than that. She knew in the way her heart broke, the way her soul ached - the way her tears felt like lumps of gold, so precious were they to loose.

She loved him. And he loved her - that’s what this was all about.

He felt betrayed by her. He was hurt and thought he was loosing her to Ray and Lesley. Her reflection was suddenly hazy in the mirror, shimmering slightly.

It took her a moment to realize it was because she was crying. Angrily, she wiped away at her tears and sniffed, trying to regain her composure.

Shaking herself, she reached to reapply her mascara. And stopped.

She took instead her make-up remover. Slowly, she applied it to a cotton ball and rubbed away her lipstick, her blusher, her eye-shadows and mascara.

A plain faced Julia stared back at her. Not a glittering super-model but just simple Julia Gordon. She quickly pulled her hair back into a pony tail, the way she usually wore it and grinned at her reflection.

She felt a little better. She would go to the prom - she didn’t even know why. She should find Aidan. She was lost between pride and need, the desire to be a queen and the desire to make things okay with Aidan.

Her hand reached for the phone. Her finger paused there.

The doorbell rang.

Julia jumped and cursed as she checked her watch. 7.45pm. That was Ray to pick her up. He had been weird the past week - while he campaigned fiercely for her as prom queen, he was distant to her when they were together. He continually asked if she loved him, if they were going to stay together after Graduation.

He knew, Julia realized as she sat there, listening to the front door opening. He knew she loved Aidan. How it must eat him up - the football captain loosing out to high-school geek. Aidan was right - that was the school order. By going with Ray, she was accepting it.

“Julia, Rays here” her mothers elated voice carried upstairs.

Her mother was so proud of her - she too had not been popular at her high-school and her eyes shone every time Julia mentioned cheerleading or Ray. It was sad in the way - how the agonies of youth survived. How whatever success you had in later life, did not make up for the failures of youth.

Julia sighed “Be right down” she shouted back.

She studied her reflection a little more and reached for her jewelry box. She removed from it a small chain, in the shape of a half heart. The letters on it were BE and FRIE . . . Aidan owned the other half. Best Friends. A silly 10th birthday gift. Julia slipped it on.

Feeling better, she left her room and climbed down the stairs.

Ray looked handsome in his tux - a regular James Bond. A camera flash went off and Julia groaned at her mother.

“Are you not ready?” Ray asked. He held a white rose corsage in his hands.

Julia frowned and them remembered she had removed her make-up “I’m ready” she assured him.

“Oh” he said, looking a little confused. Then he shrugged and held out the corsage “You look gorgeous” he told her.

“Thank you” Julia muttered as she accepted the corsage. Her guilt increased as she stood here with Ray. She was betraying Aidan, and the deeper she got into this, the harder it was too escape. But who was she kidding - she had dug her own grave.

The thought gave her a chill, a little shiver that ran down her spine.

“Are you okay?” her mother worried “Do you need a coat?”

Ray put his arm round her shoulder and grinned wolfishly “I’ll keep her warm”

Her mother tutted but her eyes shone “Don’t be home too late” she warned.

Julia nodded firmly “We won’t be”

The rest of the night went a blur. The drive to school was tense - Ray tried to make conversation, about the game, about the dance, about what he planned to do after school but Julia simply stared out the window and said nothing. Once they were in the hall, decorated beautifully in white flowers and pink balloons, Julia was kept occupied by compliments and offers to dance. People hugged each other and cried and whispered on who was going to be Prom Queen.

Julia went through the motions of talking and dancing. She said all the rights things, laughed in all the right places but all she could do was be struck by how superficial it all was.

It was just a dance - one of millions. Sure, it marked the end of an era but the way everyone carried about, you’d think it was the end of the world. By the morning, the decorations were thrown away, the dresses hung up in the back of cupboard to gather dust and everyone would get on with their lives. In a year, maybe two, these people gushing about how beautiful she looked, wouldn’t even remember her name. Julia Gordon would be nothing to them except a picture in the yearbook.

And this is what she had waited for? This is what she had spent months, lying in bed dreaming of? A paper crown and a crowd of strangers.

“Ladies and gentleman” The dance supervisor, a young teacher called Bob Flutie, who thought he was cool stepped up to the stage as the band finished their song. “The moment you have been waiting for. The Prom King and Queen”

The crowd hooted and cheered. Mr. Flutie held up his hand for silence as he grinned.

Ray, standing beside Julia, smiled at her. He knew the title was already theirs.

Julia didn’t smile back. She thought of Aidan, alone in the cemetery. Sitting by his mothers grave. Her heart ached. The crowds swam in front of her.

“Okay, quiet down, hush!” Flutie continued, speaking loudly into the microphone. First off, tonight’s Prom King” he held up a silver envelope.

The crowd shouted and yelled.

Ray stood tall, puffed out his chest.

“And the winner is . . .” Flutie opened the envelope and Ray took a step forward “Raymond Harris!”

The crowd erupted. Ray held his hands above his head and shook them. He gave Julia a quick kiss on the cheek and headed to the stage to collect his crown.

A hand touched Julia’s elbow. She turned, frowning.

A girl from her dance class stood there - Julia struggled to remember her name. It came slowly - Claire.

Claire looked embarrassed “Julia, I hate to do this but there’s someone on the phone for you”

Julia frowned, glanced at the stage where Ray was bending down so Flutie could place the sprayed silver cardboard crown on his head “Now?” she asked.

Claire nodded “Yeah. He said it was urgent. An emergency”

Julia hesitated the nodded “Okay. In the lobby?”

“Yeah”

Julia pushed her way through the crowds, hurrying for the exits.

Flutie was back on the microphone as she pushed through the doors “And now, the Prom Queen”

Julia walked to the pay-phone and picked it up

“Hello?” she asked softly.

“Julia. Oh God Julia” There was crying on the other end. Sobbing.

Julia froze in place, she held the receiver tightly, feeling her heart pounding “Greg? Is that you?”

“Julia . . .” he could barely speak, in-between his tears “Julia, its Aidan”

Fluties voice carried on, a dull background noise “And Sunnydale Highs 1969 Prom Queen is . . .”

Greg sucked in a breath “He’s dead” he gasped.

Julia dropped the phone. It hung there, swinging.

Julia’s mouth remained open, eyes wide.

“JULIA GORDON!”

The screaming was deafening, the crowd was actually shouting her name, chanting it.

Julia swayed on her feet.

“Julia, if you’d like to come up and accept the crown” Flutie continued.

The darkness crashed in on Julia. It felt like her soul had been split in two.

“Is she here? Julia Gordon?” Flutie’s voice continued.

Suddenly Lesley was in front of her, frowning. She dug her nails into the top of Julia’s arms “Come on, that’s you!” she snapped angrily.

Julia burst into tears.

“Yeah, you’re happy” Lesley said in disgust “That’s fab”

Julia shook her off and sank to the floor, crying harder, huge painful sobs.

Lesley looked down on her “Julia?” she asked “Julia, what’s wrong?”

But Julia couldn’t hear anything.

Three days later, Julia stood in front of a grave as night descended on Sunnydale.

Aidan Turner.

Gone on the wings of angels.

Beside that was another grave, Ann-Marie Turner. His mother. Where they had found Aidan’s body - his throat ripped out, that’s what Gregory told her. It wasn’t in any of the papers, the cause of death. Julia wondered about that.

The funeral had been today. Five hours ago. Greg had tried to get her to leave, the priest had, her mother, Ray - none of them could wake her from her trance.

Finally, they left her. She was alone.

She walked forward, knelt in front of the tombstone. Her hand touched the gold lettering of his name “Aidan” she whispered “Aidan, can you hear me?”

There was no answer. The wind whispered through the trees.

“I love you” she confessed, voice cracking “I need you to know that. I love you so much and I’m so sorry I told you too late. I never deserved your love. Never. But I didn’t deserve to have it taken away” she lowered her head. Water drops hit the dirt beneath her. She was crying again “Why, Aidan. Why? We could of saved it, we could of. It didn’t have to be this way. Please Aidan. I love you. Come back”

Suddenly a hand shot out the ground and grabbed her ankle.

Julia screamed in terror and shock.

In a panic, she kicked out and the held loosened. She scrambled backwards, panting heavily.

Her eyes were huge as she watched the hand claw about. A second hand shot out and then, as Julia watcher in terror, both arms appeared.

Someone was climbing out of Aidan’s grave.

A mop of dirty blond hair.

Julia gulped down a scream.

Oh God - was that . . .

Finally, the whole body came out. The - the thing raised its head and growled at Julia. Its eyes flashed yellow. Curved, pointed teeth glinted at her.

It had a weird forehead, it jutted out slightly but Julia could only stare.

She stared at the horrific face and gasped “Aidan” she whispered.

The thing - the thing with Aidan’s face - grinned and rushed forward, mouth open.

And - someone grabbed him from behind. The creature was flipped over and hit the ground. The shadowy figure whipped out a piece of wood and rammed it into Aidan’s chest.

For a second, time was suspended. Then Aidan exploded and dust scattered everywhere. He was gone.

Julia breathed heavily and quickly.

The figure - a girl - turned to her and walked towards her.

Julia pushed herself backwards.

The girl shook her head and offered Julia a hand.

Julia paused then took it. The girl pulled her up with surprising ease. She smiled again at Julia “You should stay away from this place at night” she suggested helpfully.

Julia finally found her voice “What - how - who are you?”

The girl shrugged and tucked the piece of wood back in her pants “Just keeping American small towns safe for the likes of you” she replied and grimaced “You might want to forget this ever happened”

Then she turned and walked back into the cemetery.

Julia could only stare after her until she vanished. Then she ran all the way home . . .

Sunnydale. 1999

Julia Harris sighed as she finished her tale “I started drinking not long after that. I never really stopped”

Willow stared, unable to speak for a moment, so lost in the tale “You married Ray?” she gasped, amazed and captivated by the story.

She shrugged “He loved me, I needed that. Three months after that night, I fell pregnant. When we had a boy, I wanted to name him Aidan. Ray stopped that. So I called him Alexander instead. Aidan Alexander Turner” she sniffed back tears “Every time Ray looked at our son, he saw Aidan. Knew I didn’t really love him and never would. He hated Aidan, and me and, because of that, he hated Alexander. That’s why he started calling him Xander, to distance his son from the man his wife loved. I was stupid. We used to have these blazing rows, me drunk, him calling me all these names - Xander used to hide in his room, his head hidden under a pillow”

“I know” Willow said softly, sadly.

Julia glanced at her then away again “I couldn’t look at Xander either, really. I so much wanted him to be a way to remember Aidan but Xander came to represent everything I had lost. The child I never got to have with Aidan. I just wish . . .”

Willow took her hand again and held it gently “Mrs. Harris, you can’t live in the past. What happened was a terrible thing and I know you never really understood it. But the person you saw come out the grave wasn’t Aidan, it was the thing that killed him. And that girl, she’s somebody who kills monsters like that. Monsters that hide in Sunnydale. I want you to know Xander is one of those people. He’s saved this town so many times from so many monsters. He’s my hero”

Julia was staring at her - half in understanding, half in utter confusion.

Willow continued “I know you love Aidan. I know its hard to let go. But Xander loves you, right here, right now. And I think you want to be sober in a world where your son is brave and noble and heroic. You can still know love, Julia, real love. Like I do” she smiled painfully “Please don’t loose yourself in the darkness anymore. Its a tough world out here but we fight to save it”

Julia nodded slowly “Thank you” she whispered.

“Thank you” Willow said firmly “But I think there’s someone else who needs to hear this story”

Julia looked hopeful “Do you know where my son is?” she asked quietly.

Willow shook her head “No, but I have a pretty good idea” she rose from her chair “I’ll bring him back to you”

Julia caught her arm “If you love him” she urged “Don’t let it be too late”

Willow stared down into the woman’s sad eyes and nodded “I won’t”

It was very late by the time Willow reached the playground.

Xander sat on one of the swings, pushing himself back and forth slowly, staring up at the moon.

She took the swing beside him “Hey” she said softly.

He didn’t look at her “Hey”

“I went to your house” Willow continued awkwardly “Talked to you mom”

He stopped swinging. He still didn’t look at her “So you know” he said simply.

Willow nodded “Xand, I’m so sorry. I know how awful you must of been feeling and I shouldn’t of sent you away. It was wrong and I’m a terrible person for sending my best friend away when he needed me most.”

“Its done” his voice was dark, distant.

She reached for his arm “Yeah, but its not over. It never will be with us”

His eyes slid over to her, just slightly “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I love you. And I never stopped. Never ever. Not when you kissed Cordelia, or slept with Faith or any of it. I was just so scared of how much you hurt me and how much I loved you. But you’re my world, Xander, and I need you far more than I ever wanted Oz” she slipped off the swing “Please forgive me, Xander. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you” She stood in front of him and saw the tears glittering in his eyes “Please” she finished “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you”

He reached out as she reached for him and they embraced.

She pulled back and leaned in to kiss him.

He turned his head away.

Her breath caught in her throat “Xand?” she whispered.

He faced her again and spoke quietly “You hurt me, tonight, Will. You turned me away when I needed you”

She trembled with emotion “I know -” she began.

He held up a hand and continued “I love you too, you know that. Nothings gonna change that. We’ll be 80 and still have a chance to be together” he paused “My parents split up tonight. My life’s going nowhere and I’m in severe danger of ending up the pathetic bitter man my father was. I don’t want to make that mistake. So, right now, I don’t need a girlfriend. I need my best friend back”

Willow stared at him then slowly, she smiled “She never left” she reached out and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. She dragged him towards the park gate.

He laughed a little “Where are we going?” he asked.

“I’m being your best friend and taking you where you need to go”

“Will-”

“Just shut up and follow” she ordered, grinning at him over her shoulder.

He grinned back “Yes sir”

It was near dawn when they reached Xander’s house. The sun was touching the horizon and light was trickling through.

Julia Harris sat on the swinging bench on the porch, a blanket wrapped round her as she watched the morning.

She rose as she saw them approaching. She walked to the edge of the porch.

Willow reached the mailbox and dropped Xander’s hand. “Welcome home” she told her friend.

Xander looked from her to his mother. He bit his lip.

Willow pushed him forward “Go on, Xand. Its okay”

Taking small steps, Xander walked up his driveway. He stopped at the bottom. Three steps separated him from his mother.

Julia Harris looked down at her son. Xander stared up at her.

Julia opened her arms.

Xander flew up the steps and into them.

They were both crying as they held each other.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Julia was whispering.

“I’m sorry too” Xander was saying back, over and over.

Julia pulled back and studied her son as if seeing him for the first time “Its a new morning, Xander and I promise you, its a new start for us. We’re going to make things better. I’ll get you into college, I might sign up for a few lessons myself and I’ll go to those AA meetings. Everyone of them, this time, I swear”

Xander nodded “You promise?” he sounded like a little boy.

She pulled him to her again and just held him in her arms “I promise, Xander. I love you so much”

“I love you too” he replied.

And Willow Rosenberg stood by the broken mailbox, the light of the sun on her back, laughing and crying at the same time.

It was a new beginning - for her and Xander too. A beginning that had only one end. The two of them - together forever.

The End