Disclaimer: As always, I do not own these characters, I'm only playing with there lives. They belong to Joss Whedon and the WB. All hail JOSS!

Author's note: This story is the sequal to "It's Hard to Say Goodbye" In Buffy's P.O.V..

~~~~~~

I have a death wish?

That’s what Spike told me. That’s the big secret to the end of the Slayer’s lives. They wanted to die. But I don’t.

Do I?

I mean, I have so much to live for. I have my friends, Riley, my Mom, and Dawn. And I do have ties to this world, even if I don’t always see it. I know I mean a lot to them. My mom depends on me, now more than ever. And I...I love her so much it hurts. She needs me to take care of Dawn while she’s in the hospital, and she acts so brave. I’m trying to act brave for her too, but it’s hard. I’m scared.

But that doesn’t mean I have a death wish.

Does it?

I have Riley, who has been so sweet to me this past year. Riley, who cares so much for me. Riley...who I don’t really love. I know what you’re saying, so let me explain. I do love Riley, but...well...I know I can’t love him as he loves me. I try to, I really do. And I love being with Riley. But I know I’m hurting him, and I hate myself for it.

But I don’t have a death wish.

Xander and Willow have been my friends since the day I moved here. They have been loyal and good to me, and I love them for it. But, even though things are much closer between us after last year, I still feel a little distant. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact that I know my days are numbered, and I couldn’t bear hurting them. I don’t really know. I don’t think I ever will.

But that doesn’t mean I have a death wish.

So, if I don’t have a death wish, then why did I let that vamp get the best of me? It should have been an easy fight. It wasn’t. And now, I’ve got a pain in my gut because of it.

But, that’s not all I have.

I have the image of his face looking at me with such hurt in his eyes, I can barely stand it. Giles. God, how could I have called him a prig? How could I have mistaken his pain for callousness. I just thought.... I don’t know what I thought. I guess this whole near-death thing was just wigging me out. And then...he said that the Slayer’s death was too painful to talk about, and my heart just about broke in two.

I’ve only seen him look that way one other time. The night Miss Calender died. That look of dread and despair he had on his face. The look of terrible sorrow he had in his eyes. He had that look last night. He had that look for me.

I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t mean to. But what can I do to make this better, when I’m just as terrified about it as he is? We never talk about it. My death, that is. In the five years I’ve known him, that has always been the one subject we’ve skirted around. And when we did talk about it, it was never more than in hypothetics and for instances. It was always kept distant...professional.

But, this has become more than professional. And the possibility of my death; more than just hypothetical. It’s my reality.

But not just mine.

He has always been there for me, even though I haven’t always been there for him. He’s trained me, taught me...loved me, as no one else can. Not even Angel. I wonder if this was in the Watcher Training Guide, or whatever they use? Did they explain the inexplicable feeling of completeness when we are together? Is that part of the package? Get a Slayer, kill demons...fall in love.

Love? Is this what it is?

I can’t put my finger on it, because I’ve never know anything like this. I’m not sure I could even describe this feeling. It goes deeper than any kind of physical thing. Deeper than any relationship that anyone could have. It goes straight to the soul.

I need him. I can’t fight day after day without him.

Giles is my lifeline.

To see his smile. To hear his approving words. I live for that. I live for it all.

And because of that I vow never to give him a reason to have to say goodbye.

The End