“On Our Own”

Episode Five (#1T05)

The Gang Becomes Eye Candy

Written by Joe Termine

Scene One:

“Not This Again”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji, Lefty

[The gang is quietly sitting down relaxing]
Joe: So guys, it’s been quiet for at least ten minutes now, what do you think is going on?
Katie: I don’t know, but it’s great.
John: I second that.
Katie: It’s not a law, you don’t have to second it. [laughs to herself] All for my last statement, raise their hands in the special law making position [ James and Joe raise their hands]
John: Hey, I thought you said there was no law making just a second ago.
Katie: That was different, I did it, so it’s okay.
James: Yeah, get with the times man.
John: That has nothing to do with the times.
Joe: How would you know, you are behind in them.
[Benji busts into the penthouse]
Katie: Don’t you ever knock?
Benji: Didn’t you just see me barge in, I think that tells you no.
Joe: He has you there.
Katie: Wow, I never thought I would be duped by Benji.
Benji: Get used to it, I have become smarter.
Joe: Your pants are on backwards.
Benji: Yup, little by little I’m getting smarter. [fixes his pants]
John: Still on backwards.
[Lefty also barges in now with a look in his eyes]
Katie: Why don’t you knock?
Lefty: It was open. I was gonna steal, but you guys surprised me.
Joe: Wow, that’s awful, but I commend you for telling the truth here’s a toaster for your trouble.
Katie: That’s my toaster…give it back!
John: He’s gonna take it because you left the door open.
Katie: That was Joe’s job!!!
Joe: Well you didn’t remind me so it’s mostly your fault.
[Lefty leaves and mumbles something]

Lefty [outside the door]: I HAVE AN IDEA!!!

Joe: Oh great, not this again.

OPENING CREDITS

Song: (to the same theme music as Cheers)

1. Musical Beginning

2. Sometimes you wanna go, where it is always gonna rain,

3. And you'll always be in pain.

4. You wanna be where you can see, the people are all insane,

5. You wanna go where you can be eaten by a Great Dane.

6. Musical Ending

Sequence: (corresponding line by line from the song above)

1. A view of downtown Dayboqrx, with the text "On Our Own" along the center of the screen.

2. John is seen, startled by the camera man in a supermarket, accidentally knocking over a shelf creating a domino effect, his name on the bottom of the screen.

3. James is seen in the rainy parking lot, his fingers shaped as a gun pretending to shoot at nothing, his name on the bottom of the screen.

4. Joe is seen in the rainy parking lot, chasing a sheep, he stops, smiles, and waves at the camera, his name on the bottom of the screen.

5. Katie is seen arguing with a light pole, her name on the bottom of the screen.

6. John comes running from the supermarket, mouthing the words "Run for your life." The Gang runs as the store collapses and are chased by a pack of Great Danes. On the bottom of the screen reads "Created by John Painting and James Achaia."

Scene Two:

“It Had to Be Muffins, Didn’t It?”

Location: Outside of the Penthouse, on Pushor Avenue

Characters: The Gang

John: I am really hungry.
Joe: So do you want a cookie?
John: That would be nice.
Joe: Damn, the one time that insult doesn’t work.
Katie: Na ah remember the time we…

[flashback to Joe at a “Weight Watchers”:

Joe [sarcastic]: What, do you want a cookie?

[scene cuts to Joe being chased by a large number of fat people]

end flashback]
Joe: Man, the lady could run, no matter how fat she was.
Katie: Well, are gonna eat or what?
John: You’re the one who stopped us with the little anecdote there.
Katie: Either way, we should get going, it closes in like ten hours.
Joe: She is right, we should really get a move on.
John: We live like one block away.
James: They’re right though, the subway may be really full right now.
John: We are gonna walk, it’s only a block.
Joe [sure of himself]: And how do you, pray tell, think that we’re gonna get to the store without the subway?
John: Walk, that is the quickest way.
James: Fine, we’ll go with your crazy hunch.
John: Thank you.
[They leave and walk down the block]
Joe: Where does the token go in?
John: No token, it’s free.
Katie: And you’re sure of this?
John: Yes.
Hobo: Can you spare a dollar?
Joe: See, I told you we needed money.
John: Just say no.
Katie: He is not a forest fire, we just don’t say no.
[Smokey the Bear walks out and shakes his head]
James: Where does this thing stop?
John: Anywhere you want?
Joe: The mall then [stands there and waits]
John: Anywhere in a five block radius.
Katie: You lied then.
John: I guess so.
James: We’re there.
[they enter the shop and sit down]
Katie: It seems that all they have is muffins and they’re stale.
Joe: This is terrible, what kind of restaurant only serves muffins?
[a man walks over and asks them to leave]
Joe: What did we do?
[The man points to a no sitting sign]
Joe: How do you eat then?
Man: You don’t, this is a furniture store.
Katie: Fine be like that…we shall take our service elsewhere. The muffins sucked anyway.
Man: Those were doilies.
Joe: Tell the chef to bake them better.
James: Anywhere we want to go, huh John.
John: What?

Scene Three:

“Stick Them Up”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Benji, and a traveling salesman

[The gang gets back to the apartment all hungry]
Joe: I am starved, I could eat anything.
[a knock is heard at the door]
Katie [opens it]: Hello?
Salesman: Howdy ma’am, is your mother home?
Katie: What the hell kind of question is that? My mom is happily married you pervert. [she goes to close the door on him when he stops her]
Salesman: I am sorry, I meant to ask if the man of the house is there.
Katie: I have three men here, which one do you want?
Salesman: The easily distracted one.
Katie [yells]: JOE!!
Joe: What?
Salesman: Hello sir, I overheard you saying that you were hungry…I am here to help you out.
Joe: How so?
Salesman: I serve any meal in one shot.
Joe: Okay I’ll take it…breakfast if you can.
Salesman: Oh I can. [he preps a needle and sticks it in Joe’s arm]
Joe: What was that?
Salesman: Eggs, bacon, toast, coffee, juice, and cereal.
Joe: I don’t like eggs.
Salesman: Sorry. [he injects the needle again and takes a little out]
Joe: I feel woozy.
Salesman: See, I skip all the chewing and annoying work…I just send all the fats and such straight to the bloodstream.
Joe: That is a very good… [collapses]
Katie: I think we’re done here…just give us three and leave.
Salesman: Yes ma’am.
[After Joe comes to he is surrounded by all his friends]
John: You okay?
Katie: I was worried for you there.
James: I knew you would be okay.
Joe: Where is Benji?
Katie: He must still be delusional.
Joe: Puppies are fuzzy.
John: No he’s okay.
[everyone is all settled now and a knock is heard at the door]
Benji: It’s me, let me in you have the door locked [the door comes off the hinges and Benji stands there with a chainsaw] Oops.
Joe: Is it that time again?
Benji: Yup it is…
Katie: Time for what? And what the hell is your problem, you just cut up our door.
Benji: So and new game day…in that order.
Joe: We are gonna learn COPS and ROBBERS, you are the robber okay.
Benji: Okay [He runs out of the room]
Joe: Where is he going?
John: I have no idea.
Katie: Oh great!!!
Joe: What?
John: Look at the TV [points to the news showing a man holding up a bank with ski mask on backwards]
The Gang: BENJI?

Scene Four:

“In the Line of Stupidity”

Location: First National Bank of Dayboqrx

Characters: Benji, Joe, the police, and some worried civilians

[ Joe rushes to the bank]
Benji: I am gonna hold up this bank real good.
Joe: What are you doing Benji?
Benji: Can’t hear you, you didn’t use the bullhorn.
Joe: Where the hell am I gonna find a bull at this hour?
Officer: Sir. I think he meant this.
Joe: Oh right, thanks.
Benji: You will never take me alive!
Joe: No problem. [aims the gun right at Benji’s head]
Officer: I think it’s just a saying to add drama, I don’t think me meant it.
Joe: That is up to this bullet and him to decide.
Officer: NOOOO!
Joe [walks over and hands the bullet to Benji]: Now decide.
Benji: I have made my verdict, I want to live.
Joe [loading a gun]: What…didn’t see this one coming…come on, don’t you want to see you parents again?
Benji: My parents are alive.
Joe: Shhhh, I can fix that for you.
Officer [talking through the bullhorn]: We have a negotiator for you.
Joe: What he gets one of those…that is no fair…so when someone does something bad they get rewarded…but if you’re good, you get nothing?
Officer: That is the gist of it…hey you’re right!
Joe: I know.
Officer: All the boys and me are gonna rob the bank too.
Joe: See that is what I…wait what?
Officer: Let’s go boys, I always wanted a trip to Jamaica…cha ching!
[a high scale news station gets the news of the news]
News Anchor: Yes, it’s me, the well known reporter who needs no introduction. What do you mean wrap it up? Well anyway, there is a strange change of events in Dayboqrx today…just look.
[pans to an empty park]
News Anchor: Other direction!!
Joe: I didn’t want this to happen.
[The gang sees Joe on the news and freaks out]
John: Did they finally find out what Joe did?
Katie: What are you talking about?
John: Huh…stop confusing yourself.
Katie: You’re right, thanks for the pep talk.
James: Maybe we should help out Joe.
Katie: And ruin my nails…I don’t think so, I love him and all but not that much.
John: Your nails are nothing but nubs.
Katie: And I just got them the way I like them, no dice, sorry.
John: Okay.
James: Fine.

Scene Five:

“Way to Go, Casanova”

Location: First National Bank of Dayboqrx

Characters: Joe, Benji, and a woman

[As the cops finally see the error of their ways and are sent on permanent “vacation” all things wind down]
Benji: So I’m sorry for all this…I got kind of carried away.
Joe: What did you do that for?
Benji: You said we were gonna “play cops and robbers.”
Joe: It’s a game.
Benji: Now you tell me.
Joe: I thought it was, like, clear.
Benji: No, it’s a bank…you really should get some glasses.
[Benji sees a woman in the corner being talked to]
Benji: Well hello!!
Woman: HI?
Benji: You know this is just like in a action movie.
Woman: How so?
Benji: I come in and save the day…all that it’s missing is the hot sex scene for the good guy saving you…so let’s go baby.
Woman: If it wasn’t for you, none of this would’ve happened.
Benji: Who helped you?
Woman: That guy over there.
[Cop waves at her]
Benji: Who saved you though?
Woman: Joe did. [she waves to Joe]
Benji: Yeah, but who knows Joe?
Woman: You, I guess.
Benji: That’s right now, give it up baby.
Woman: Get away from me.
Benji: I see you are still a little shaken up.
Woman: No, I just want you to go away.
Benji: Granted we have had our ups and downs.
Woman: We have had no ups.
Benji: We have had our ups, remember when I saved you.
Woman: That was Joe.
Benji [puts his hands over her eyes]: Shhhh, this is not a time for talking.
Woman: Why did you put your hands on my eyes?
Benji: ‘Cause if you can’t see me, you can’t talk to me.
Woman: Why didn’t you just cover my mouth?
Benji: And gets the germs from your mouth no thanks…I just finished cleaning all my cats with their tick spray I’m not gonna get your disgusting germs.
Woman: You are a strange odd man.
Benji: I know, my mystery sometimes alludes me too.
Woman: Apparently so does sanity.
Benji: Why thank you…I pride myself in it.
Joe: Are you gonna leave here Benji or what?
Benji: What is the “or what” choice?
Joe: It’s just a saying.
Benji: You can’t tease me like that, you promise an alternate thing, you must deliver.
Joe: [sighs] Fine, or get caught by the cops for loitering and attempted robbery.
Benji: See was that so hard?
Joe: Yes.
Benji: [shrugs] Well…

Scene Six:

“Why All the Hostility?”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Lefty

Katie: Glad you’re back Joe.
Joe: It’s good to be back.
John: What happened out there man?
Joe: Aside from the cops deciding to help rob a bank and Benji not being able to play a game without getting into trouble, nothing really.
Katie: If all that happened how could it be nothing?
James: I think he was being sarcastic.
Katie: Was that he guy in “Rent?” I heard he was good in that.
Joe: Sure?
Katie: Wow, I guessed on that one.
John: Never would of guessed.
Katie: Why didn’t you just play a nice game like “three blind mice.”
Joe: Katie, that’s not a game.
Katie: Sure it is.
Joe: No, it’s a nursery rhyme.
Katie: Nah ah, see you walk around and poke out the eyes of mice man I love my childhood.
James: You frighten me.
Joe: Thank you.
James: No, you Joe, confuse me…Katie frightens me.
Katie: Why? [ James just stares at her and thinks]
[five seconds later]
Katie: I really did that with the wildlife exhibit.
Joe: Yup.
John: Right-oh.
James: Told you that you scared me.
Katie: Wow I am a bad person…a better then anyone bad person.
Joe [sarcastic]: Nice to see that you’re on the road to change there Katie.
Katie: I was thinking the same thing.
Joe: No you weren’t, you were thinking about how great you are.
Katie: Have you been looking at my “secret thoughts bulletin board?”
Joe: I did…that thought was between how you hate one of us, but it doesn’t say who, sweetie.
Katie: Aw, that is nice you, called me sweetie. [she goes over to the board and removes something]
Joe: Was that the not like note?
Katie: [giggles] Yeah.
Joe: YOU BITCH, I HATE YOU!
John: Whoa Joe, why all the hostility?
Joe: Sorry, I just wanted to get out some anger, I didn’t want to yell at Benji cause, well, he is crazy.
Benji: I’m standing right here.
Joe: STOP DOING THAT!!!!
Benji: I didn’t think me randomly breaking into your penthouse while you are and not here would be a problem.
Joe: Wait, what?
Benji: You know I don’t repeat myself more then once once once once once once once once…twice…
Joe: Okay, you shut up now.
Benji: Fine…f…
Katie: No more talking out of you.
Joe: Wait, which one?
[a crash is heard from down in the street]
Joe: Wow, that is strange, the traffic director just stopped directing, wonder how that could of happened.
Katie: Stop being sarcastic Joe.
Joe: I wasn’t, I was being serious.
Katie: They are the same thing.
John: No, they aren’t, not in the least.
Katie: Fine…at least we can all agree we are creeped out by Benji.
Joe: Yes.
James: That is true.
John: You are correct on that.
Benji: Yeah we hate that guy…let’s go kill his cats [he runs to his door and knocks on it]
Joe: What is he doing?
Benji: I know you are in there, come out and let me kill your cats…come on open the door, take it like an insecure man…don’t make me go in there!
Joe: Everyone wants to go out now?
The Gang [simultaneously]: YES!!!

Scene Seven:

“The Plan Unfurls”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Lefty and his shill

Lefty: Hey guys, are you ready for my great plan?
Joe: NO!!
Lefty: Right-oh. [he leaves]
Katie: Did Joe just get Lefty to leave?
Lefty [in the hall]: No, I’m just getting the suitcase.
John: So close Joe, so close.
Lefty: Okay, well guys, how many of you like candy?
[All the hands goes up, even one of a person that came out of nowhere]
James: Where did that guy come from?
Lefty: He is like my shill, I get him to agree with everything I say]
Shill: This is the best working Hemorrhoid cream ever!!
Lefty: Wrong pitch buddy.
Lefty [whispering to the Gang]: From all the usage of my products, he’s gone a little crazy.
Joe: Cool, where is his white jacket?
Katie: That is really cruel.
Joe: What, he has white dress pants, I thought it came with a white jacket, the leisure suit much match.
Katie: Oh sorry, thought you meant something else.
Joe: And he’s crazy.
John: Joe!!
Lefty: Let’s draw our attention away from my dim-witted friend and look at me.
Shill: My breasts feel suppler.
Katie: What did you do to him?
Lefty: Nothing. he was saying that before I even worked with him.
Joe: Can I feel?
James: Joe, get away from the crazy guy.
Joe: Spoil sport.
James: Crazy toucher.
Katie: That made no sense.
James: Neither does what he said, I never leave sports out of the fridge they are always in their bins.
Lefty: Yeah. So as I was saying, I have this new great idea.
John: Is it new?
Lefty: Yup.
John: How bout great?
Lefty: Sure is.
John: I’m sold.
Lefty: That’s great and all, but I am looking for a bigger demographic then just four teens.
Katie: Wow, you really think I am a 10.
Lefty: I said teens.
Katie: Oh.
Lefty: The stuff is called Eye Candy.
Joe: Cool, is it shaped like eyes or something?
Lefty[laughing]: No much more harmful than that.
John: What?
Lefty: Nothing, just try some.
Joe: It looks like it will taste good.
Lefty: It doesn’t go in your mouth, it goes in your eye…hence the name Eye Candy.

Katie: I’m not putting that stuff in my eye, it may be dangerous.
Lefty: No it isn’t, see I ransacked the old sticker factory and got these misprinted stickers. [he holds up a sticker reading “FOR EYE USE ONLY, DO NOT PUT IN MOUTH”]
Joe: Well if a misprinted sticker says it, then it must be true.
[All of the gang put the drops in there eyes]
Joe: My eyes won’t open.
Katie: My eyes won’t open either.
John: My eye is twitching a lot and it hurts.
Lefty: Oh that is just your eye high on caffeine.
Katie: I don’t like this.
[The Gang falls on the floor and start trying to open there eyes in vain]
Lefty: This stuff is gonna be bigger then Pokemon, and maybe even beat its seizure record too.

Scene Eight:

“Operation Retardation”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Lefty

[The Gang gets their eyes open finally]
Lefty: Was that a trip or what?
Joe: I did fall over a couple of things.
Katie: Please tell me this wasn’t your big idea.
Lefty: It’s my big idea, and it will work.
Joe: Why did you need us then if the product works?
Lefty: ‘Cause I need people to sell the products, all the immigrants said that the stuff was very bad and the devil made it.
Joe: Wait so even people who don’t speak English think it’s terrible?
Lefty: Yeah what is your point?
Joe: Forget it.
Lefty: Forget what?
Joe: What I just said.
Lefty: Jesus, you can’t even stand by your own statements, you are gonna be a terrible salesperson.
Joe: I’m not gonna be a salesperson.
Lefty: Guys, come on, I even have a great slogan “EYE CANDY, it’s great for picnics, long car rides, and congested boat docks.”
Katie: That is kinda catchy, but evil.
Lefty: Okay guys, what are we gonna do[Lefty gets ready to shout a cheer]
Joe: We don’t know, you haven’t told us anything.
Lefty: Right…well first we will hit B6, and if that doesn’t work A3.
Joe: Maybe you could put down the Battleship game and tell us.
Lefty: Just go to houses and sell this stuff like your apartments depend on it.
James: But they don’t.
Lefty: They do now. [holds up a apartment contract] If you guys don’t do it, I will tear this up and then you will have to live here for free. [laughs evilly]
Katie: No!!
Joe: Yeah no.
Lefty: Fine then, you leave me no choice [just as he is about to rip up the apartment contract Benji runs in]
Benji: NO, you guys you don’t know what you are doing, don’t do that!
Joe: BENJI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!
Benji: Helping you.
Joe: Well if you don’t leave I’m gonna seriously “HELP” YOU UP REAL BAD!!
Benji: Got ya, cause you are instituting the word HELP for the word. [door slams in Benji’s face]
Lefty: What was that all about?
James: I have no idea.
Katie: I do.
Joe: Shut up!
Lefty [about to rip up the contract]: Well here it goes.
[The gang watch patiently as Lefty is about to rip it up]
Lefty: There, it’s done.
[The gang dances around the house happily]
Lefty: Why are you guys happy?
John: No reason.
Lefty: Luckily I have this second contract.
Joe: What?
Lefty: Just go.
[The gangs feverishly searches the streets for people to buy]
Joe: This house looks great, it seems that a lot of people are getting bottles of stuff from here.
Katie [knocks on the door]: Why hello Mr. Crazy-looking Man, we would like to sell you something.
Druggie: Whatever it is, we probably already have it.
Joe: No holmes you don’t, this is the illest new stuff.
John: Wow, you know how to speak Ghetto Joe?
Joe: I dabble fo.
James: Here try some. [splashes him in the eye]
Druggie: Ow it hurts…the pain…this stuff is addicting, I will but a thousand kilos.
Joe: That is like, this many bottles. [he keeps flashing his hands]
[Ten minutes later, the Gang walks out of a store with all new clothes]
Joe: Wow, selling this stuff is great, I just may quit my old job.
John: Joe, you don’t have a old job.
Joe: That’s why it’s soooo easy to quit.
Katie: Man, Lefty is gonna be soooo happy.

Scene Nine:

“Some People Call Me the Dayboqrx Cowboy”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Lefty

[Lefty paces around the gangs apartment until they arrive]
Joe: We’re home!
Katie: And we brought money.
John: What the hell kind of a line is that?
Katie: What do you want from me, selling that stuff took all the funny out of me.
Joe: There was some in you?
[Katie hits Joe in the head]
Joe: Hey chill, that’s where I keep my brain, and other occasionally useful things…oh a mint.
John: Ew.
Joe: What are you ew-ing at, I didn’t find it in my ear…I found it on the street a while back.
Lefty: Did you sell some?
Katie: Better!
Lefty: You didn’t sell any?
Katie: I said better, not worse.
Lefty: Oops, I always get them mixed up.
Joe: We sold our whole shipment!
Lefty: Wow, a lot of people must really like my product.
James: No, just one guy, but he liked it soooo much that he bought it all.
Lefty: Great, give me the money.
Joe: No can do, we spent it all.
Lefty: Why did you spend it all?
John: We needed new outfits so we would be presentable.
Lefty: Those are the same things you wore out.
Joe: We know, we sold the clothes to this store, and then missed it so much we bought them back for 20 times what we paid, the sucker didn’t even see it coming.
[Benji busts in holding a TV]
Benji: Look, your candy is on the news.
Joe: Benji, it’s not plugged in.
Benji: Oops, must of yanked it out of the wall.
[He plugs it in at the gang’s house and sees the news broadcast]
News Anchor: First there was opium, then there was crack, then there was crystal method, then there was…I better stop naming them all before I get hooked again…now there is EC…EC is a new drug that is taken quite strangely; while most people regular people just normally snort or smoke a drug, this one is dropped in the eye…I tried this drug for this interview…sadly enough though I forgot to bring a camera crew.
Joe: See we made you famous in one day…do we get raises now?
Lefty: The one thing that actually worked and now I’m a drug boss…I can live with that.

Scene Ten:

“I’m Going In”

Location: The Penthouse

Characters: The Gang, Lefty, Benji

Joe: So what are you gonna do Lefty?
Lefty: The only thing I know how to do.
Katie: Nothing?
Lefty: Okay, the other thing I know how to do best.
James: You can only do one thing best ...that’s why it’s best.
Lefty: Wow, you guys are smart.
Joe: No, you’re just…
John: No Joe…
Joe: Alright.
Lefty: I’m gonna go in and thug it up and get all the stuff back.
Joe: That is a great idea.
Lefty: Thank you.
Joe: I was thinking of something else, I didn’t even listen to you.
Lefty: Whatever…wish me luck, I’m gonna go to the most thug person I know.
[A knock is heard on Benji’s door]
Benji: I don’t want it…why don’t you Quakers just go away?
Lefty: Hi Benji!
Benji: You do know this is MY apartment right.
Lefty: Yeah?
Benji: Great then come in. [pushes him in]
Lefty: I needed a favor.
Benji: Sure, I’ll get the pliers, just give me a second.
Lefty: NO, no…well…no, no, not that kind of favor.
Benji: There’s other kinds of favors?
Lefty: I need some thug clothing.
Benji: Sure, I will get my pliers…sorry I’m still getting use to this other reason for a favor thing.
Lefty: Can you hang a brother up?
Joe [outside the door yelling]: IT’S “HOOK A BROTHER UP!”
Lefty: Yeah, what he said.
Benji: Sure, no problem.
[After Lefty gets fitted for his thug threads, he goes out]
[scene changes: Lefty knocks on the door of the dealer’s apartment]
Druggie: What you want?
Lefty: Hey, I’m street, if I was any more street, my name would be pavement.
Druggie: Nice man.
Lefty: I mean, I’m soooo street, people paint parking spots on me.
Druggie: I get it.
Lefty: I mean…
Druggie [yelling]: I GET IT!
Lefty: Sorry, didn’t think you could hear me with that bandana on your head… I want some… [points at his eye a lot of times]
Druggie: A glass eye, this is not that kind of place, we run a respectable drug dealing business.
Lefty: No, EYE CANDY.
Druggie: Oh sorry, why didn’t you just say so?
Lefty: I am a thug, I don’t need to tell people things.
Druggie: You just did though man.
Lefty: Whatever…can I come in now?
Druggie: Oh yeah, where are my manners, of course.
Lefty: Thanks, you are so much nicer then the rest of the dealers.
Druggie: We like to keep our repeat business so we are very nice…I’m Rocco, by the way.
Lefty: I’m Beatrice.
Druggie: What?
Lefty: It’s my slave name.
Druggie: But you’re white.
Lefty: We don’t talk about that anymore.
Druggie: Aight…so what did you want again?
Lefty: EC
Druggie: Okay, that will be $20 an ounce.
Lefty: Damn, I was selling that for $3 a bottle.
Druggie: WHAT?
Lefty: Nothing, can I have all of it how much would that cost, like $200.
Druggie: Try $2,000,000.
Lefty: Do you take checks?
Druggie: Sorry, the stolen machine is broken…I swear, stuff nowadays, you never get the value you steal it for.
Lefty: I have a idea, why don’t we play Russian roulette?
Druggie: Okay.
Lefty: Great, let me just get out my Gangsta-rific Gun.
Druggie: Dude, that’s an automatic.
Lefty: What are ya scared?
Druggie [shakes his head yes]: Nah.
Lefty: I will go first, okay [he shoots and nothing happens] huh…[he shoots six more times in vain] Wow, I’m out, sorry.
Druggie: Don’t worry, I have lots of bullets.
Lefty: Who would of thunk it [Lefty loads the gun and aims it at the dealer] okay, now give me all the stuff.
Druggie: Man, you played for a fool.
Lefty: Yup [he runs away with the stuff]
Joe: Hey look, here comes Lefty, and he has the stuff too.
[A knock is heard at the door]
Katie: Hello,
Police officer: Hello ma’am, did you happen to see a man holding a lot of drugs?
Katie: Yes.
Police Officer: Really where?
Katie: Over there…wait…I mean no, I haven’t seen anyone…I’m blind…is that you Mom?
Police Officer [yelling and chasing after Lefty]: You are under arrest for the stealing of stolen drugs from a illegal person.
Lefty: You will never catch me…[he falls and just sits there and puts the bags over his face and the cop runs past] Hahaha…oops.

Scene Eleven:
”Stupid Until Proven Innocent”

Location: A Courtroom

Characters: The Gang, Lefty, a judge

Judge: So, you say you are the original maker of this drug?
Lefty: Yes sir.
Judge: And your friends sold it to this shady man?
Lefty: Right again…wow you really don’t even need me here, you look like you
got this one [he tries to walk away]
Judge: Sit down!!
Lefty: Okay
Judge: Well, all you seemed to do was steal back a major new drug from a potentially dangerous man.
Lefty: Yes!!!
Judge: Ten thousand hours community service as a Landlord/Bartender.
Lefty: No, how about making me scrape gum off old people.
Judge: Nope.
Joe: It’s not all it’s cracked up to be…those old people get pretty gummy.
Lefty: Fine, I will do it if I must.
Judge: You could just pay the $23,000 fine.
Lefty: Why didn’t you tell me that before…okay.
Katie: You are a moron…and we are here for you.
Joe: I still want my raise.
John: Wow, could Lefty get any dumber.
James: You just said Lefty and dumb in the same sentence, I think you know the answer.
John: Right!!

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