All characters belong to Joss Whedon, The WB Network, and 20th Century Fox. I am just a fan.

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven.

Spike sat on his sarcophygus, his legs dangling over the side. He reached over and picked up the musty guitar that Dawn had given him. She told him it belonged to her father, up until he left. Then it just got thrown into the attic with all the other junk. She didn't want to see it become garbage, so she offered it to the vampire. He accepted and taught himself how to play. It was easier than he expected and had only taken him about a month to get all the chords right. Now, it was the only thing keeping him occupied during the long and lingering days. Sure, he stopped by the Magic Box once in a while to check up on the Scoobies and he was always willing to keep the Nibblet company, but nothing was the same since she...

He placed his fingers on the correct strings and strummed until he found the right tune. It was the song he always played on days like these. The days that seemed like there was nothing worth living for and it felt as if he had no purpose. Which was probably true on all days, but sometimes the pain was just too much to bear and he needed a release. This was one of those days.

He cleared his throat and began to sing the song that summed all the emotions he felt ever since...

"Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven."

Heaven. That was where she was and where he would never be. It had almost felt like Heaven on earth when she was with him and he could only dream of what the real thing would be like. If only he had one more moment with her... to hold her and tell her all the things he never got to say. He wanted to apologize for every tear he made her cry and all the pain her made her feel. Would she hold him back? Would she accept his apology and love him like he loved her? It was unlikely. But, just to see her beautiful face and melting smile one last time was enough to hold him over until it was his turn to go.

"Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in Heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in Heaven."

Why? That was the question he kept asking himself. Why did she have to go? Why was he still here? Why would he never get to grace the Heaven she now walks upon? Yes, he was a soulless vampire, but was that really what he was? Really who he was? He loved her with all his being and fate could never change that. His love for her overpowered life itself and no matter where he was headed, he would still love her. Always.

"Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees,
Time can break your heart, have you beggin' please, beggin' please."

Time. Time was pain. It just keeps going and you have no control over it. The days and nights fade away, but time will always remain. It will hold the guilt and suffering in its grasp and you can never break free. It binds you to this sorry world and not even death can change that. He knew from experience. And in a pathetic way, he was jealous. He was jealous that time can keep going and going, but he could not. He had given up the day he lost his light. The day he lost his world. The day he lost his love.

"Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in Heaven."

Peace. She was his peace, and without her, he didn't think it even existed anymore. Maybe it did... deep down inside of him, where she would always be, but what if it didn't? What if he was meant to suffer on this good-for-nothing planet and never find peace? He probably deserved it. He had spent a good portion of his unlife inflicting suffering upon others, maybe what goes around really does come around. But he never asked for this. It wasn't his fault that he was made into some crazed demon that had no chance at ever finding peace. But didn't he? Didn't he ask for this? No, he had asked for a new life, to become a new man. Not for this. Not for this anguish and pain. It was just too much. But, if this is what he had to go through to find peace... to find her? Then bloody hell, it was worth it.

"Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in Heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven."

Spike set his guitar aside and laid down on the sarcophygus, his head in his hands. A single tear rolled down his cheek, and he closed his eyes. Suddenly he could feel her presence. He could feel her surrounding him. He willed her to come forth, but she was barely a whisper. Still, he clung to the feeling with all he had, with all his might. The feeling left before it even arrived, but Spike couldn't help but smile.

It may not be Heaven, but it was all he had. And it was enough.

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