All characters belong to Joss Whedon, The WB Network, and 20th Century Fox. I am just a fan.

It had been quite a stressful week for Spike. As a vampire, there weren’t that many activities to participate in to bide the time, and he often found himself bored, searching for something to do – especially when he wanted to take his mind off the Slayer. And he thought about her constantly, at the same time wanting to cling to every memory so he never forgot her and then again wishing that he could wipe her out of his thoughts all together, because remembering hurt too badly. But now he had to help Dawn, and he had caught his first glimpse of what it was like to lead a busy life. And it was a strain and a burden, but he almost didn’t mind. Anything was better than sitting around mourning lost love.

He’d made a promise to Buffy to protect Dawn, and though he wanted desperately to just end his torment, he planned to keep his word to the woman he loved, dead or not. So he’d been doing all he could for Dawn. Now he was in the process of aiding the Scoobies and Dawn in the transition to L.A. He had almost been angry with them for not fighting harder to keep her in Sunnydale, but he was beginning to realize how hard it was to fight the courts. All he could do now was help out as much as he could wherever he was needed.

He had quite a job ahead of him. He had agreed without thinking twice to go with the Little Bit…he couldn’t have her wandering the streets of Los Angeles all by her lonesome. Besides – Dawn was all he had left. He couldn’t stand to loose her, too. A soft stab hit his heart as he remembered something he’d said to Buffy once: that the only reason she’d lasted as long as she had was because of her ties to the world. He cursed himself now. What a sodding idiot he’d been. His only tie to the world had been her, and now she was gone. The knife twisted a little more in his chest, but he had grown used to the pain. After so much hurting, your only choice was to develop an immunity to it after awhile. And though it still stung, he could feel it setting in: numbness. He didn’t know what to do about it. He wanted the pain to stop, but he had always refused to be apathetic. He was a passionate man, and he wanted to love and to be loved and to give and receive and to dance and to laugh. But he could not and would not have those things now. Not without Buffy. Never without Buffy. She he been his fire, the one whom he had wanted so fiercely to share those things with, even if it were only a fruitless dream. And she was dead. His dreams had died with her.

But he looked to Dawn now, sitting quietly on her bed, and she looked at him and almost smiled. Almost, but not quite. It broke his idle and tortured heart to see her pain, but knowing that he still had her was his light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps she could save him from such a dull, emotionless void. He could learn to be happy again, to live and to love – but no, he did not want to learn to love again. He never wanted to love again. Everyone he had ever loved had left him, and each one had taken a part of him away with her. Now he was unsure of what was left.

He kissed Dawn’s forehead in a good night gesture and made his way towards Buffy’s room. Dawn was the only one that knew he had been sleeping in her bed, and it was best – he feared the Scoobies would not understand. He knew that they were hurting as well, but the Little Bit was the only one that could even begin to understand what he felt. So they hurt together.

Now he crawled into Buffy’s bed, carefully not to disturb the condition of her room. He and Dawn had agreed to leave everything (other than the bed) as close to how she had left it as they could, and the room still had almost a warm, lived-in feeling because of it. He had spent countless hours in here since her death, feeling the closest to her in this spot. He went to her grave nightly, but all that lay there was an empty shell. It was here that he could still feel her presence, see her smile, hear her laughter…and one final stab pierced his pitiful heart as he dozed off to sleep.

Spike awakened with the rising moon. It was time to leave this place. To leave this house, to leave Sunnydale, the Scoobies…and he was almost sad. It was a bad time to be getting all sentimental, but he had built a meager little existence in this town for himself without even realizing it. He wondered in the back of his mind if any pesky vamp would move into his crypt now that he wasn’t living in it, but those were selfish thoughts. He had other things to worry about now. But he hoped any knew occupants would trash the place up. It really pissed him off to think of someone else sitting in his red chair, watching his telly, and sleeping in his bed…that crypt had a lot of memories for him. Buffy – the real Buffy – had kissed him in that crypt. He had given his quite a trashing in that crypt, and he in turn had slammed her against the walls of that crypt. Of course, not in the way that he would have liked to, but they were still fond memories. He made a mental note to ask the Scoobies to make sure no one bothered it. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn’t. At least it would help him sleep a little easier knowing that he had asked. He was going to come back one day. And he was going to bring Dawn with him.

There was still the problem of what would happen to the Summer’s house. He had worked hard to keep it in good order, even if there were no telephone or gas or electricity. Dawn had been staying with Anya and Xander, but he still hated that she had to come home to that. But she wouldn’t be coming home to it anymore. And even though she wouldn’t, he was determined to keep the Summer’s house belonging to the Summer’s, as long as their were any Summer’s left in the world.

Spike pulled himself from the bed, regretting that it was the last time he would sleep in it, and in the back of his head, that he had never gotten to shag Buffy in it. So many opportunities gone…

He woke Dawn now. It was time to go. All of her things were loaded into Joyce’s car. The house door creaked a weary farewell as they exited. In silence, they drove to the Magic Shop, where the Scoobies awaited them. It was time to say goodbye.

Drowning In You: Part III
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