Nip/Tuck Quotes






“Escobar Gallardo:  (Episode #13)



Christian:        This is good.


Gina:                Its Mahi-Mahi with a venetial slaw.  I got the recipe online.


Christian:        So what do you want?  You need something.


Gina:                I need you to make love to me.


Christian:        You better have made a kick-ass dessert too.


Gina:                I’m serious Christian.  I’ve got to get this baby out of me.  My back aches.  My bowels are backed up like a stadium toilet.


Christian:        Your seduction skills need a little work, sweetheart.






Escobar:         Is that the last implant?


Liz:                  Unless you made the poor girl eat one for shits and giggles, yes.







Liz:                  I don’t want to go.


Sean:               C’mon, Liz.  You’re finally getting that paid vacation you always wanted.


Liz:                  Screw the vacation!  I want to rip the skin off that tattooed piece of shit and use it as wallpaper.  You wouldn’t be sending me away if I were a man.


Sean:               You see how he treats women.  Like they’re sub-human.


Liz:                  That hasn’t stopped me from working with Christian.





Christian:        Don’t take this the wrong way.  But you’re a better man than I am.


Liz:                  Damn straight.





Escobar:         The first time is always the hardest.  I remember my first time.  I shook like a little girl.  At least I didn’t puke.  Most people…they puke after their first time.


Sean:               I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Escobar:         You’re a desperate man, Sean.  Desperate men don’t come to talk.  They come to kill.



“Antonia Ramos  (Episode #12)


Escobar:         Where’s the dyke?


Christian:        Still throwing up her McGriddle.





Suzanne:         Julia!  Color me shocked!  Never in a million years did I imagine you’d give up Jude to join us mere mortals.  How’s your core?


Julia:               Overextended.  How’s your divorce?


Suzanne:         Going around, I see.  Annie told Tori that ‘mommy and daddy aren’t talking’.  My sympathies sweetie.





Christian:        What’s this?  You’re still smoking?


Gina:                I have cravings!  Withdrawel is very hard on the baby.  I can only eat so much.  Would you rather I suck on these or some random guy?


Christian:        Do you have any idea what smoking does to a growing fetus?  Try accupuncture.


Gina:                That’ll take care of my addiction but what about my oral fixation?


Christian:        Then I”ll buy you a bag of God damn lollipops!





Brad:               Sorry, folks, but the Burberry pram is 16 weeks backordered.


Gina:                Shit, shit, shit, shit shit! God dammit!


Christian:        Have you met the mother of my child?  Isn’t she lovely?






Sean:               We’re not gonna operate on your slaves anymore.  We’ll pay you the money we owe you then we’re done.


Escobar:         (grabbing Sean’s wrist)  I tell you when we’re done.  And know this.  If you don’t do, what I’ve politely asked you to do, I’m gonna take this hand back to Columbia with me.  Then you and your family will learn what it means to be hungry.





Julia:               Dinner will be in twenty minutes.  Where you going?


Sean:               Late surgery.


Julia:               Who schedules surgery at this hour?


Sean:               Busy patient.


Julia:               Thanks for telling me, Sean.  If I knew you weren’t gonna be here I wouldn’t have made all this food.


Sean:               If I don’t go to work Julia, there won’t be any food to put on the table!  (leaves)


Julia:               (throws pan in sink)  Screw it!  We’re going to McDonalds!


Matt:              Mom, I know what you’re thinking….about dad.  And you’re wrong.   You know………..he told me.  About the affair.  He said he’d never do it again.


Julia:               Your father never should’ve told you that.


Matt:              At least he was honest with me, mom…..


Julia:               Stop trying to defend him!  And me!  It is so God damn inappropriate, Matt.  We’re your parents, not your pals!  A concept that no one in this house seems to grasp.  (pauses)  Do you know what’s going on with him?


Matt:              Nope.  And apparantly that’s fine because, according to you, what goes on in this family is none of my business.








“Montana/Sassy/Justice  (Episode #11)


Liz:                  Excuse me.  But there’s a woman camped out here who refuses to leave unless she gets to speak to that ‘arrogant, oversexed, anti-christ’.


Christian:        Ms. Kane, will you excuse me please?





Gina:                Yeah, that’s right, asshole.  I’m pregnant.


Christian:        First time at the plate and I get credited with the RBI


Gina:                You were the only batter.


Christian:        I was wearing a rubber.


Gina:                Well, slugger, either it broke – or I’m carrying the next savior.






Sean:               To be most effective, a condom should be used with a spermacide.


Christian:        Sean, I may not be great at mantoplasty, but, I can assure you, I’m a God damn expert when it comes to putting a rubber on my dick.






Cara:               Matt?  Its me.  Cara Fitzgerald.


Matt:              Wow!  You look……wonderful.


Cara:               Thank you for prayers.  My mom said you were at the hospital a lot.


Matt:              I just wanted to make sure you were okay.


Cara:               And that you’re in the prayer group?


Matt:              Well…………….


Cara:               Don’t be offended if I don’t remember you.  My short term memory’s a mess.  I don’t even know who my friends are.


Matt:              Who does?






Gina:                Phone out of order?


Christian:        I thought I’d show up instead to catch you when you fainted from shock.  I wish you’d  have this baby.  I mean, I want you to have it and I”ll pay for it.


Gina:                Wow.  Cue the violins!





Sean:               Go on, say it.  We’re operating on a woman in order to satisfy her 8 year old fantasy self and you find it morally irreprehensible.


Liz:                  No I don’t.  We reshape hundreds of bodies every year to gratify all types of fantasies.  In my opinion, Ms. Montana Kane is a lot less delusional than most.


Sean:               But she’s a multiple personality.


Liz:                  Oh please!  Who isn’t?  To my mother, I’m a child.  To Jan, I’m a heartless, rejecting bitch.  And to my dog, I’m God.


Sean:               Maybe I should get a dog.




Sean:               Father, surgeon, husband.  Problem is, all of mine are named Sean.  And no operation in the world is gonna make them get along.





Sean:               Is ‘Sassy’ leaving now?


Montana:        Mmm, hmm.  When Montana wakes up.


Sean;               Where does ‘Sassy’ go when Montana’s around?


Montana:        Underneath.  Where its safe.


Sean:               Can you tell me how to get there?







“Adelle Coffin  (Episode #10)



Christian:        I’m a mimmick.  I’m a mynah bird with a scalpel.  No….I’m Bobolit in better suits.  I”ve never excelled at anything – relationships, my profession.  All I have to offer is a great smile and a convincing line of bullshit.





Merrill:           Recertification every ten years, gentlemen, we’ve got to stop meeting like this.  I haven’t seen the two of you since…….


Christian:        …….since college.  My how time and hairlines fly.


Sean:               Actually, that’s not true.  You’ve seen him several times.  The billboards? (to Merrill) The ones featuring you and two strippers with hindenburgs in their chests.  Classy stuff, Merrill.  You’re really upgrading the image of an already beleagured profession, congratulations.


Merrill:           Sean.  Meow!  Retract those claws.  No, wait….you can’t.  After I take all your business you’ll need them to scratch out a living.





Liz:                  Forgive me?


Christian:        For saving me from a malpractice suit?  Why not?


Liz:                  The fact that we continue to co-exist in semi-hatred…..I’m bathed in relief.






Christian:        I’m here on official business.


Guard:             Oh!  Its official.  Well that’s different.


Christian:        What other kind of business would I have with a corpse?


Guard:             Monkey business.  Two months ago I walked in on some guy getting his freak on with his dead ex.  Said he wanted to do it one time without her criticizing.


Christian:        I hardly ever get criticized.


Guard:             I bet you don’t, looking the way you do.  Gucci suit.   Rolex.  One fancy coroner.  I’m guessing you’re either you’re moonlighting as an investment banker or you’re stealing shit off these people. (picks up phone)   Now, either you tell me why you’re really here, or I’m calling security to report a male model necropheliac.


Christian:        I like your cologne.  Lagerfeld?


Guard:             Dialing!


Christian:        (hanging up the phone for the guard).  Okay, the truth is.  I’m a plastic surgeon.


Guard:             Honey you’re a little late for these people.


Christian:        I just need the right kind of head.


Guard:             (intrigued)  Oh.  Okay.


Christian:        To practice on. 






Sean:               I can’t let you do this.


Megan:            Its not your decision.


Sean:               But I just found you.


Megan:            And now you have to let me go.


Sean:               I can’t condone this, nor can I help you Megan.  This is rash.


Megan:            This is right.






                                                                                                             MORE TO FOLOW               





“Sophia Lopez, II  (Episode #9)


Christian:        Merrill, you metro-sexual, you.  What are you doing here…having your back waxed?


Merrill:           Who told you?






Merrill:           Wow!  I’m betting that one tastes like…….Golden Grahams.  I really hate seeing two beautiful people in love.


Christian:        Love?  Please, if she wasn’t the best sex of my life she’d be long gone by now.  She’s just not bright enough to figure it out.


Merrill:           Good in bed and not too bright?  Oh my God, she’s my dream woman!


Christian:        She should be mine.  She’s beautiful, doting….everything a guy could want.  But, if I wanted to do the high maintenance thing, I’d get a ’66 Fiat.





Christian:        You’re out of your league, Merrill.  You’ve got nothing I want.


Merrill:           Oh yes I do.  My car…….remember?


Christian:        You’re willing to trade your Lamgorghini for Kimber?  Are you insane?


Merrill:           You’re right.  She’ll be back on the market soon enough.  I’ll just scoop her up then.  Forgive me for trying to facilitate a painless breakup.


Christian:        You’re honestly prepared to give me your Lamborghini?


Merrill:           You know how I operate, Christian.  When I see something I want, I go for it.  It’s the curse of being rich and impatient.





Liz:                  Do you really need the gender reassignment surgery, Sophia?  Can’t you just keep the breasts and the kibbles and bits and be satisfied with the knowledge that, spiritually and emotionally, you’re more woman than most?


Sophia:            That trade-off works for many in the transgender community.    But I want to feel complete.  Honestly, Liz, I’m more concerned about my expanding fat ass than turning my penis into a vagina.





Sophia:            Turn to me, Liz.  Why…’ve got a beautiful canvas.  You just need to throw some paint on it.  A little concealer under the eyes, a couple of shades of foundation, and, you know what?  You’ll look like a 25 year old lipstick lesbian.


Liz:                  You must know a lot about makeup.


Sophia:            I’ve had to conceal a lot in my life.  On every level.





Liz:                  How do I look?


Sophia:            More feminine.  Take a look.  Behold!


Liz:                  I look straight.


Sophia:            I’m sorry.  They don’t make a lipstick shade called ‘Bulldyke’.





Sophia:            I must say I’m a little disappointed, Liz.


Liz                   Because I don’t want to look like a clown?


Sophia:            No, because you above all people should know that a façade does not determine a person.


Liz:                  Then why get the sex reassignment surgery, Sophia?


Sophia:            Because my façade is hiding my person.  I’m not trying to be a beautiful woman.  I know I no Salma Hayek, okay?



`                                                                                              ************************************


Sophia:            Have you always been a lesbian, Liz?


Liz:                  I slept with a man once in college.  He had long hair and when I closed my eyes, and felt it sweeping across my face, I pretended it was Joni Mitchell.






Liz:                  What about you?  Are you gay?


Sophia:            Today.


Liz:                  And tomorrow?


Sophia:            Straight……after the surgery.


Liz:                  You’re a conundrum wrapped up in a riddle, babe.





Suzanne:         Oh my God.  You really don’t know, you do?


Julia:               Know what?


Suzanne:         Sweetheart, he’s not a real personal trainer.  That’s only how he meets his real clients.   For sex, sweetie.  Don’t be shocked.  Enjoy.


Julia:               You paid him to have sex with you?


Suzanne:         No, not me, because I do not have the morals of an alley cat.  But, a lot of women in my spinning class have and, the word is, once Jude puts you through his bedroom calisthenics, you feel the burn for days.


Julia:               That’s not true.  Jude is a personal trainer.  He’s a student……


Suzanne:         How do you think he affords those clothes?  And that apartment?  Not by working at Subway, sweetie.





Christian:        What do you think that would be like?  To want to get rid of your penis?  The hub of all power?


Sean:               Actually, I admire her conviction.  It takes………


Christian:        Balls?






Sean:               Whats going on in here?


Liz:                  She doesn’t want to have the surgery


Sophia:            I’m sorry, Dr. McNamara, I’m having a sexual identity and sexual preference crisis.  I’m a wreck!


Christian:        Sophia, what happened?


Sophia:            Last night, I was intimate with someone.  More intimate than I’ve been in years and…well… I can’t do this today.  I’m confused.


Sean:               I’m sorry, now I’m confused.  I thought you were with Liz last night?


                     (Sophia looks sheepish…..Christian looks at Sean….Sean looks at Liz, who looks sheepish herself)



Linda:              I’m gonna go play golf!





Kimber:           You think he’s seeing someone else?


Merrill:           I’ve done the ‘dinner-page’ thing.  Every doctor I know has.  Its an ugly thing, is what it is, but…I stopped, after I discovered kabbalah.





Matt:              How come you never raised Annie and me with any kind of religious backround?


Sean:               Your mother and I felt that you should make your own decisions about faith, when the time came.


Matt:              But… you believe in God?  Like, if we hurt someone, and don’t take responsibility for it,  does He know about it?  Because if that’s true, then we really can’t get away with anything, can we?


Sean:               What are you getting at, Matt?


Matt:              I’m saying you can lie to yourself….your friends…..your family….but you can’t lie to God.   So the only thing we can do is confess…..right?


Sean:               How’d you find out, Matt?  Was it when you opened the door and saw us together?


Matt:              Uh…..what did I see?


Sean:               Stop with the games, Matt.  I’m telling you, man to man, yes.  I’m having an affair.  I’m ending it.  I just needed something and she gave it to me.


Matt:              How could you cheat on mom?  Your father left you guys for another woman.  You told me that.  You’ve been telling me that story since I was a little kid about how much that hurt you.


Sean:               I’m not my father!  I’m not!  Matt, nothing in your life is gonna be disrupted.


Matt:              You cheated on mom?....................I don’t know you right now.


Sean:               I’m not gonna see her anymore.  You’re more important to me.  This family is more important to me.  We won’t tell your mother and this will all go away, I promise. 

I promise.






Merrill:           Good morning.


Kimber:           What are you doing?


Merrill:           I was staring at the nose job that Christian gave you.  Frankly, I could’ve done better.


Kimber:           Did we sleep together?


Merrill:           Don’t you remember?  No, we didn’t sleep together.  I mean, we slept together.  Personally, I didn’t sleep, you snored!  You were really drunk.






Kimber:           Merrill, thank you for last night.  I don’t want to give you the wrong impression.  There’s nothing going on between us.  You’re not my type.


Merrill:           How am I not your type?  I make more money than Christian, I’m more famous and, lets face the facts darling….you know Christian will thorw you out eventually as your ass continues its inevitable downward slide.  But I won’t.


Kimber:           You don’t’ even know me.  Get it through your fuzzy head, okay?  I’m not attracted to you!


Merrill:           You don’t like the hair?  Okay…its goofy.  I’ll change it for you.


Kimber:           Yeah, well you’ll still be a ‘4’.





Kimber:           He loves me.  I know it.


Merrill:           He traded your for a goddamn car!  Hows that for love?








“Cara Fitzgerald  (Episode #8)


Matt:              Just because we’re smoking your shit doesn’t make me your bitch.


Henry:            Its Shabbat – I’m not allowed to make fire.


Matt:              (snickering)  Make fire?  What else – invent the wheel?


Henry:            There are rules of conduct laid down centuries ago by the wisest men in the San Hedron.  Have a little respect and light my bong, Shabbat goi – that’s a Gentile who does the work we’re not allowed to do on Shabbot; driving, carrying, cooking……


Matt:              Can you have sex?


Henry:            Depends on how you intepret ‘no plowing’.





Matt:              (stone, driving Henry’s car) Henry…’re ride is smoooooooth!


Henry:            I know.  Chanakuh present from the folks.


Matt:              There are definitely benefits to being a Shabbat goi.


Henry:            Well, I’m glad you feel that way, cuz when we stop att he 7-11, you get to work the Big Gulp machine.





Matt:              Mom’s making French toast instead of nuking an Eggo?  Is it someone’s birthday?


Julia:               I was feeling generous.





Christian:        Ms. Greco, tell me what you don’t like about yourself.


Devon:             My nose.


Christian:        Too big?  Too small?


Devon:             Too much like my father’s.


Grace:             Ms. Greco, not to be presumptuous, but it looks fine.


Christian:        More than fine, Dr. Santiago, it’s the gold standard.  All the big models possess the equaline slope – Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington….


Devon:             Yeah, well I’m guessing that Christy Turlington’s father didn’t rape her.  Hey, well, don’t feel bad.  When I said I didn’t feel like it, he’d give me money so I could buy more Barbies.





Mike:               I don’t mean to be a horses ass, Dr. Troy.  This has been a little traumatic for me.  You’re the only one I want handling my penis.


Christian:        Mike….you’re the only man who’s ever said that to me!





Mike:               Doc, you promised two weeks you said it would be gone.  Its my honeymoon, remember.  She hates giving me head.


Christian:        And youre still gonna marry the bitch?


Mike:               Yeah, just don’t tell my girlfriend.




Matt:              According to the paper, there were no eyewitnesses.


Henry:            God was a witness.


Matt:              I mean who could identify us.





Sean:               How dare you tell my partner that I’m having an affair with a patient!


Grace:             I can’t believe I was so stupid to think that I could trust you with even a moment of vulnerability.  You’re an asshole.


Christian:        And you’re an arrogant P.H.D. in a Prada knock-off skirt who shouldn’t be spreading lies about my partner.  Or accusing me of being rude to a consult and try to bypass my executive decision.





Grace:             Lets just put it all on the table.


Sean:               I am not having an affair!


Christian:        I believe you, Sean.


Grace:             I don’t believe you.  I don’t believe you because I know your marriage is in trouble.  You told me that right before your hand crept up my thigh under the table.


Christian:        Fascinatingly breaking information here at The People’s Court.






Grace:             Lawsuits usually happen when people are fired after they sleep with the boss.


Christian:        Is that a threat?


Sean:               Wait……you slept with Grace?


Grace:             It won’t happen again.


Sean:               God dammit, are you out of your mind?  How could you do this?


Christian:        What – sleep with someone who rejected you?





Christian:        I don’t’ want her here, Sean.  She’s a troublemaker and her shoes are cheap.





Devon:             Won the battle, lost the war.  Even when he dies, there’ll be a dozen other bastards rising up to take his place.  And, just like him, they’ll get away with it.






Christian:        I’ve lost my faith, Father.  I’ve drank, I’ve done drugs, I’ve fornicated with women and discarded them like trash.  I’ve lost my soul.  The boys you raped will be saying the same thing in 20 years.






Christian:        I have pictures.  You want redemption.  Turn yourself in.  Either way, you’re going to jail.   Whether you go to hell is up to you.







“Cliff Mantegna (Episode #7)


Cliff:               I’m sick of banging fat German chicks in front of their pasty husbands.


Christian:        We’ve all been there.






Christian:        Cheer up, Mr. Mantegna.  By the time we get done with you, the only tits you’ll be feeling up will belong to Hooters girls.





Julia:               You want to work with my husband?


Jude:              Would that be a problem for you?


Julia:               No, not at all.  Uh, I can ask.  Sean can be a little funny about the business.  I can’t guarantee you anything.


Jude:              Of course you can.  Who’d say no to you?





Julia:               I was just driving by Rascal’s and I know how you’ve been jonesing for a reuben.


Sean:               Are you sure that’s a reuben?  Smells more like a bribe to me.


Julia:               Can’t a woman do something nice for her husband?


Sean:               A woman can definitely do something nice for her husbnad.  You driving 20 minutes out of your way to bring me lunch sounds like a woman who wants her husband to do something for her.





Kimber:           I spent $400 on this outfit.  I’m just trying to do what you wanted and spice things up.


Christian:        Here’s the deal.  You think a jockey wants to come home to see his girlfriend dressed like a horse?  I’m around nurses all day, sweetheart.  If I wanted to screw one of them, I would’ve by now.





Kimber:           What’s my motivation in this?


Christian:        To get us laid.  Ever hear of something called ‘the scene’?


Kimber:           Sex party.  One of the girls at the Tampax shoot was talking about it.





Matt:              Mom, this isn’t a big deal. 


Julia:               Having three-way sex in my house is a very big deal Matt.


Matt:              You guys are lucky that was all I was doing.  I know kids hooked on crack, kids plotting to blow up the school.


Julia:               Congratulations.  You win the award for the least screwed up teenager.


Matt:              You guys are sending me mixed messages!  How can dad give me a condom and expect me not to have sex in my own room?


Julia:               (to Sean)  You gave him a condom?


Sean:               I wanted him to be safe.


Julia:               And you didn’t discuss it with me?


Sean:               I didn’t think Ihad to discuss every conversation I have with my son.


Julia:               When it comes to his sex life you do.


Matt:              And you wonder why I’m having threesomes when you two are such a fine example of traditional coupledom.


Julia:               Go to your room.  And don’t slam the door!   (to Sean)  Now I see how you can be so non-chalant about this.  You’ve been encouraging it.


Sean:               All I’ve been encouraging, Julia, is a relationship with my son.


                                                (bot jump when they hear Matt slamming his door)


Sean:               He just started to trust me and communicate with me.  I don’t want to throw all that away over something as small as this.


Julia:               A sixteen year old having a three-way is about as big as it gets.





Sean:               What are you doing?


Julia:               I’m calling those girls’ parents.  We’re all gonna sit down and were gonna have a conversation about this.


Sean:               A sex intervention?  All that’s gonna do is humiliate him.


Julia:               You just can tbe the good guy, Sean, hand him a prophylactic and slap him on the back for his conquests.  Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting.






Sean:               Part of me agrees with Julia and the other part me is saying ‘way to go, Matt’.


Christian:        We all want more for our children than we had.





Christian:        You alright?


Sean:               My neck sized up this morning.  Must’ve slept funny.


Christian:        Twenty milligrams of Vicadin and a good blowjob will clear that right up.





Sean:               How do you feel about taking on an intern?


Christian:        What does she look like?


Sean:               He is a friend of Julia’s from school.  Jude, something.  I could use the points.  She’s pissed that I’m not outraged enough about Matt’s three-way.


Christian:        Alright with me, partner.  I’d much rather have him hanging around here all day than hanging shirtless by your pool feeding your wife margharitas.





Sean:               God, I wish I was single sometimes.


Christian:        Well, you know what they say.  For every beautiful woman there’s a guy who’s tired of screwing her.





Megan:            You’re all out of whack.  Something going on at home?


Sean:               Well, my son’s sex life belongs in a Penthouse letter and my wife seems to have turned on me because of it.





Sean:               Matt, we obviously don’t know why you kids did this.  Why don’t you try to explain it to us?


Julia:               I don’t want him explaining, I want him to promise that it won’t happen again.


Sean:               Making a promise won’t get to the source of the problem, if there’s a problem at all.


Matt:              How can you guys even look at yourselves in the mirror and call what we did a problem?  Dad spends one week at home, the next in a motel.  Mom spends all her time with some guy barely older than me.  We were having sex!  Just like every other teenager in the world.  With a condom, that dad gave me.



Dad:                Well, I think we found the source of the problem.


Julia:               Excuse me, but are you blaming us for this?



Mom:               Well, whose house did this happen in?  Ours…Alexi’s or this opium den?


Ridley:             That’s only because my mom’s unemployed and you guys took all the locks off Vanessa’s doors.


Alexi:              Trust me, honey, being on alimony is not being unemployed.


Sean:               Placing blame isn’t gonna get us anywhere.  Julia’s a good parent. We’re all good parents.



Dad:                Well, a good parent would teach his son to keep his dick in his pants and be smart enough not to try to cut it off?





Ridley:             I’m sorry, Vanessa, I tried, but what Dr. McNamara said is true.  I have to be honest with my feelings, no matter what they are.  I’m not like you.  I’m not a lezzie.



Mom:               What’s a lezzie?


Alexi:              Your daughter likes vagina.


Ridley:             Vanessa, I think you’re pretty and cool and sexy and all, but (turns to Matt) I’m in love with Matt now, we’ve been seeing each other.


Vanessa:         That’s not true!  (turns to Matt)  Deny it, Matt………..deny it, Matt.  (Matt doesn’t answer  Vanessa turns to Ridley)  But I love you.



Mom:               I’ve heard enough.  Come on (takes Vanessa out)



Dad:                (to Sean)  Open and honest enough for you?





Jude:              Julia, I’m not a parent, but if you really want to understand whats going on in Matt’s life, you’ve got to get out in the real world.  Three-somes, four-somes….more-somes, they’re like Starbucks – they’re everywhere!






Matt:              You got a minute?


Sean:               What’s up?


Matt:              Nothing alarming.  I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate what youdid with the intervention thing.  You had my back.


Sean:               You’re my son, Matt.  I always having your back.  Even you you feel like I’m riding it.


Matt:              Mom coming home for dinner.


Sean:               No.  She’s …….studying with Jude.  You want to grab a bite.


Matt:              I can’t.  I have a date with Ridley.


Sean:               Is that the kind of man you want to be, Matt?


Matt:              What’s that supposed to mean?


Sean:               When your mother was pregnant with you, I didn’t’ care if you were a boy or a girl.  I just wanted you to be heathy.  After a few months, I didn’t care if you were healthy or not.  You were mine.  I loved you no matter what.  I couldn’t care less if you excelled in school, athletics or what you wanted to do with your life.  All I ever wanted you to be was a good person.  Not someone who’d intentinally hurt someone.


Matt:              I didn’t mean to hurt her, dad.  I didn’t mean……..


Sean:               Vanessa’s gay, Matt.  Its not a choice.  You dating her friend is.








“Megan O’Hara  (Episode #6)


Matt:              I wanted a brother.


Sean:               What?


Matt:              The baby that mom lost.  I was hoping it was a brother.  That’s why you’re sad, too.  You can’t stop thinking about it.


Sean:               I’m concerned about your mother.  A miscarriage takes it toll on a woman physically and emotionally.


Matt:              But how do you feel?


Sean:               It didn’t happen to me.


Matt:              Yes it did, dad.  It was your baby too.  Did you give it a name?


Sean:               First of all, you never name a baby before its born.  Its bad luck.  Its different for your mom.  She’s got the hormones, the baby’s in her body.


Matt:              Mom’s doing fine, dad.  You’re the one who’s missing in action.  You’re……depressed.


Sean:               How’d you get so sweet, Matt?  Certainly not from your old man.


Matt:              I’ll put on some coffee.


Sean:               David.


Matt:              What?


Sean:               If it was a boy, I wanted to name him David.  My sons……Matt and David.







Christian:        You did it!


Grace:             So sue me, I ate your Yoplait yesterday, I confess.


Christian:        You trashed my car!  Both of them.


Grace:             Excuse me?


Christian:        Its suddenly crystal clear.  The incidents began when you started working here at Troy/McNamara.


Grace:             McNamara/Troy, but I digress.  I didn’t trash your car, Christian.  You’re gonna have to file a restraining order against Nanette Babcock.


Christian:        She’s dead.  She killed herself.  Which makes you the prime suspect.


Grace:             What would my motive be?


Christian:        I’ve got the power and you want it.  You’ve enjoyed pushing my buttons since you started here.


Grace:             Well, I may have pushed your buttons, but you didn’t push mine.  Translation – I didn’t even have an orgasm when I slept with you.  Your narcissism was so sickening I had to get the hell out of there – fulfilled or not.  The person who trashed your car is clearly suffering from a jealousy induced manic rage.  I’m not jealous of your other women.  I slept with you knowing full well that you were nothing but a lost little boy.


Christian:        Shit.  You didn’t do it?  Who the hell did?


Grace:             The list is so long it could take months to question all the suspects.


Christian:        You didn’t have an orgasm, is that right?


Grace:             Not a shudder.


Christian:        You’re a liar.  I rode you like a triple crown jockey.  And you came.


Grace:             Get out of my face right now.


Christian:        I counted each contraction.  Three times.  Or…..were you doing your Kegal exercises?


Grace:             Lock the door.





Vanessa:         Anyone ever tell you you look fine in that skirt.


Ridley:             Don’t!  Expressing yourself in private is fine.  Doing it in public is not.  I told you, I don’t want anyne to know about us and I mean it.


Vanessa:         Its cool, Rid.  Nobody’s watching.


Ridley:             Why do you have to be so God damn clingy, you’re pathetic. (walks away)


Vanessa:         Wait.  Don’t go!


Ridley:             Get your hands off me, dyke! (leaves)


Matt:              Everything alright?


Vanessa:         (startled) My God!  Lurk much?


Matt:              I wasn’t lurking.  I’m just asking if you’re okay.


Vanessa:         I’m fine, Matt.  My girlfriend misses the trouser snake and I’m fine.


Matt:              Well, get a dildo, Vanessa.


Vanessa:         She’s allergic to latex.


Matt:              That’s not my problem.


Vanessa:         But, you could be the solution.


Matt:              What?


Vanessa:         You care about me, don’t you?  You understand my feelings for Ridley, right?   Because those are the same feelings you have for me.


Matt:              So?


Vanessa:         So help me.  You’re the only one I trust.  Help me make her satisfied so I can keep her.  And I’ll……….satisfy….you.


Matt:              What, you’re proposing a ‘three way’?


Vanessa:         Yes.





Sean:               Nanette Babcock.   Remember her?


Julia:               The manic depressive.?  The one you helped?


Sean:               I didn’t help her enough, Julia.  She shot herself.  She’s dead.  I could’ve done more.  I could’ve saved her.


Julia:               You’re a doctor, Sean.  Not God.





Christian:        She wants a ‘three-way’?


Matt:              Her girlfriend misses guys.


Christian:        So, now you want advice?  Suddenly, your yearning for your Uncle Christian makes perfect sense.


Matt:              I’ve missed you.  I really have.


Christian:        Did you tell your mother we’re taking the boat out today?


Matt:              Of course not, man.  She would’ve hit the roof!


Christian:        She has every reason to.  I should’ve never taken you to that por party, Matt.  If you and I are gonna hand, we’re gonna follow a new set of rules.  No more illicit conversations, no more advice onthings you’re not experienced enough to handle.


Matt:              So…what are we gonna talk about then?


Christian:        You’re right.  God, this is gonna be boring!


Matt:              Uncle Chris, do you think I’m mature for my age?


Christian:        God help me, yes!


Matt:              Then stop freaking out that you’re corrupting me.  Is having a three way taking it to the edge, yeah it is.  It may sound weird, but maybe its some modern way for Vanessa and I to be together.  So I’m gonna do it.  With or without you.


Christian:        Okay.  Rule number one.


Matt:              Should I write this done?


Christian:        No, just listen.  Rule number one…..its all about the ladies.  Forget who you like and what you like, cause you’re there to please them.  And start chugging your B vitamins, cause its exhausting shit.


Matt:              Alright.  What’s rule number two?


Christian:        Its all about the ladies.





Christian:        I’m telling you, Sean, I felt violated.  The only other time I felt remotely this pwoerless was in the early 90’s when some chick slipped her finger up my butt with no warning!





Sean:               I’m gonna get a vasectomy.


Christian:        What?  Why?


Sean:               Julia doesn’t want to have any more kids and I can’t handle another mistake.


Christian:        That’s the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard.  If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don’t get snipped.  Do what I do.  Take a bath.


Sean:               What?


Christian:        For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath.  Escessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis.  Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you’ll be sterile and squeaky clean.





Christian:        What am I gonna do to make this stop?  I’ve filed a complaint.  The cops are useless.


Sean:               I think someone’s got to go through his little black book and make amends.






Gina:                Hey asshole, how’s tricks?  I’m sure there must’ve been at least a dozen since you kicked me to the curb last week.


Christian:        Gina, I know that bitter tone anywhere.  How are you, sweetheart?


Gina:                If you’re calling to tell me you have genital herpes, spare the drama.  I already got them.  I got infected two years ago.


Christian:        You do?


Gina:                Nah, I’m clean, prick.  What do you want?





Christian:        You trash my car one more time and I’ll trash you!  I’m a plastic surgeon.  I know just what bones to break to make you and ugly….sorry….girl!






Matt:              Vanessa, this isn’t all about Ridley.  What do you want?


Vanessa:         I just want her to love me, that’s all.


Matt:              Is all this effort worth it?


Vanessa:         You tell me, Matt?  Is all this pain worth it to you?


Matt:              Pain?  I’m a guy who’s about to have a three way!


Vanessa:         Look, I know you think that maybe this is a way for us to be together, Matt.  But I have to be honest.  Its not.  You can never have me the way that Ridley can.  I love you….as a friend., but that’s it.


Matt:              Well, that’s fine.  I feel the same way.  I told you, I’m just a guy helping a girl out in trouble.


Vanessa:         God, Matt.  If only you were a girl.


Matt:              Mmmm.  Yeah.






Sean:               Who the hell was that guy?


Christian:        The fiance of a former patient.


Sean:               So why did he come in here?  Did he hate her nose job?


Christian:        He hated the fact that I slept with her.


Sean:               When?


Christian:        Last night.


Sean:               This has got to stop, Christian!  You don’t shit where you eat!  I’m not gonna take this anymore!


Christian:        This is none of your business, Sean.


Sean:               Be a God damn professional!  You don’t see me acting that way.  You don’t see Grace acting that way.


Grace:             Excuse me. (leaves)


Sean:               If it happens again……………..


Christian:        What are you gonna do, dad?  Dock my pay?





Ridley:             Isn’t this supposed to be fun?


Vanessa:         I’m having fun.  Aren’t you, Matt?


Matt:              Yeah, totally.  So…how do we launch this?


Vanessa:         I guess one of us has to start the underwear pile.


Ridley:             God, you guys are such pussies.





Megan:            If I may share a lesson recently learned.  Don’t make the mistake of healing the internal problem with an external fix.






“Kurt Dempsey” (Episode #5)



Serge:             The women in this country…they got no modesty.


Christian:        God Bless America!


Serge:             You interested?


Christian:        Actually, I’m looking for something a little higher on the foodchain.  How about you, Victor?


Victor:            I’m through looking.


Christian:        C’mon, you’re just engaged.  Monogamy doesn’t officially go into effect until after the wedding.


Victor:            Yeah, well, Suzanna doesn’t see it that way.


Christian:        Suzanna will never know.


Serge:             Yes she bloody will.  Once you commit, don’t matter what you wash with, they smell infidelity on you like cat piss.


Victor:            You’re all jealous because I can get whatever I want whenever I want it.


Christian:        Ever wonder why ‘monogamy’ rhymes with ‘monotony’?


Victor:            I feel sorry for you, man.  Obviously, you’ve never been in love.


Christian:        Sure I have.  Its that beautiful moment between meeting the women of your dreams and seeing her stretchmarks.


Serge:             Does Suzanna give you head?


Victor:            All the time.


Serge:             Yeah, well don’t get too used to it.  Once you say I do, they say I don’t.


Christian:        Not true.  Some of the best blow job’s I ever got were from married women.


Serge:             American’s don’t know the first thing about oral sex.


Victor:            Oh, here it comes.  So….everything european’s better?  Wine?  Cigarettes?


Serge:             German women.  They’re the best.


Christian:        Speaking, of course, is the expert on international head.


Serge:             Must be their ability to follow orders.


Chrsitan:         Excuse me, gentleman.  But that poor girl over there looks parched.  I better go buy her a drink.


Victor:            Don’t you ever get tired of it, man?  The whole…’who am I gonna lay tonight’ scene?


Christian:        Yes,Victor, I do.  I get absolutley exhausted.





Liz:                  I have a tatoo on my right breast.  Two female symbols intertwined.


Christian:        Double dykes?


Liz:                  I’m expressing my lesbian identity.





Christian:        Dr. Santiago, please do me a favor.  When a patient is waiting for me, no matter the reason, please begin your consultation…… your office.


Grace:             And when I’m through?


Christian:        Stay there.





Julia:               Jude, I’m flattered in every way.  But…you’d just be wasting your time.  I’m probably not even going to med school.


Jude:              So what are you gonna do with all that beauty and brains?


Julia:               I don’t’ know.  Pass them onto my offspring.







Christian:        Are we ready to turn Charlie Brown into Pokemon?


Liz:                  Am I the only one who thinks its morally irreprehensible about a white man trying to pass himself off as a victim of the American racial hierarchy?


Christian:        Sean, tell her to quit using big words around me.


Sean:               We’re easing their pain.


Liz:                  That’s your excuse?   So, why not make everyone white and hetero?


Sean:               We can change the obstacle that separates this guy from the one thing in the world that he wants most.  I see nothing wrong with that.


Christian:        Liz, do you shave under your arms?


Liz:                  Of course.


Christian:        Why?  Trying to pass yourself off as being straight?


Liz:                  Keep talking.  You’re are so close to an harrassment suit.


Sean:               Could you at least try to be more professional around her?  Is that too much to ask?


Christian:        Who pissed in your Cream of Wheat this morning?


Sean:               Julia’s pregnant.




Christian:        Don’t take this the wrong way but you haven’t exactly been superdad.


Sean:               I’ll do better this time.  People change.


Christian:        Faces change, Sean.  And asses and thighs, but people?  Do you think that guy’s gonna be any more Japanese because we make him look Asian. We are who we are.




Christian:        Its considered a courtesy for the person who finishes the pot to make more.


Grace:             I just assumed you had a coffee girl to provide you with that service.


Christian:        No, we don’t.


Grace:             Ah, and I’d have thought making coffee would be a lot more difficult than watering plants.


Christian:        Jasmine’s special.  She has this gift for making things grow.


Grace:             Are you repeatedly flaunting this adolescent behavior in front of me because a woman has invaded your boy’s club?


Christian:        If it makes you too uncomfortable – leave.  I’m sure Sean will give you a glowing recommendation.


Grace:             I hope you’ll take this in the spirit for which its intended.


Christian:        I can already tell you that going any further with that sentence is a mistake.


Grace:             The prespyterian church on 64th and Collins has S.A. meetings every night from 8 to 9.   Sex-a-holics Anonymous.  Professionally speaking, I think you have a problem , Christian.


Christian:        Do you know how many men in this world would give their right nut to have my problem?


Grace:             Too much sex is as strong an indication to intimacy problems as too little.   I gave you the information.  What you do with it is up to you.


Christian:        Dr. Santiago.  Perhaps you should consider having your own orgasm every now and then so you don’t have to live through mine.





Shelly:             You don’t remember me, do you?  Shelly Edwards?  I came to your office a few years ago to have a little something done in exchange for you having a little something done?  Had an awfully good time.  Until I made the fatal mistake of asking if you had a feelings for me.


Christian:        Eyes, chin, especially nice job on the jawline.  Shelly Edwards, of course.  Sorry I didn’t recognize you.


Shelly:             Underneath the ruins?  So…think you can freshen me up?  Same arrangement?


Christian:        I don’t think so.


Shelly:             Raised your prices?


Christian:        No, the prices are the same.  The currency’s…….


Shelly:             Changed?





Gina:                I walked out halfway through my first time here.  Then I went out and got laid.


Christian:        I was considering that, but I”ve got surgery in the morning.


Gina:                Oh boy.  They must cream their panties when they hear that.


Christian:        They do.  However, its frequently the truth.


Gina:                So, how does it usually go?  Girl meets surgeon, surgeon bangs girl, surgeon has a great excuse to leave before dawn.?  Am I close?


Christian:        We go to my pace and I give her cab fare.


Gina:                Ah, a gentleman.  Nice.





Gina:                A plastic surgeon?  Perfect!  God, I must’ve wanted you to see my flaws and find me repulsive.  Shit!


Christian:        I don’t find you repulsive.  I just said we could do something about your stretchmarks.


Gina:                Eight months of meetings.  My life was finally under control.


Christian:        Under who’s control?  The anonymous sex crazed sycophants who meet once a week to group-think their way out of desperation.


Gin:                  Well, doctor.  I wouldn’t expect you to believe in a higher power.  You already think you’re God.





Sean:               I just wanted to tell you that the job you did on the cleft palate didn’t suck.


Christian:        Flatterer!


Sean:               And Julia and I are gonna have the baby.


Christian:        If that’s what you both want, then congratulations.


Sean:               I’m gonna need some time off for paternity leave.  At least 3 months.  We’ll hire somebody.


Christian:        Plastic surgeons aren’t just standard office temps.  You can’t just put an ad in the paper saying…must type 70 words per minute and do mammoplasty.





Christian:        Dr. Santiago, have you ever been sued for malpractice?


Grace:             As a matter of fact, I havent.


Christian:        Of course not.  That would be silly.  That’s like suing a witch doctor for a spell that didn’t work.





Matt:              I can’t believe you’re doing this again.


Julia:               What?


Matt:              Having a baby you don’t want.


Julia:               What do you mean again?


Matt:              Maybe, if you hadn’t gotten pregnant with me, you’d be a doctor today.


Julia:               I have never regretted having your or Annie, do you understand that?  There’s not a degree in the world that would make me half as proud.  Once the baby’s born…..


Matt:              You’ll go back to school?  Isn’t that what you said after I was born?  After Annie?


Julia:               This baby isn’t about you, Matt.


Matt:              Is it about you?  Do you even want another kid?  Or….are you just glad to have another reason not go after what you really want?





Jude:              Why is being a doctor so tedious when playing doctor is so much more fun?





Christian:        Do you believe that crap that Collins said about loving Ellie so much that he had to stop her pain?


Grace:             I believe he believes it.


Christian:        So, you think that was love?


Grace:             They have a connection.  They show each other their darkest parts of themselves without fearing the other would run screaming for the hills.


Christian:        Because they’re both psycho?


Grace:             I guess.  Still, it’s a kind of sharing that most people won’t experience in a lifetime.


Christian:        It gets old, doesn’t it?  Looking for that person.


Grace:             Yes, it does.  It gets absolutely exhausting.





Sean:               Ronald will be disappointed.


Julia:               Who?


Sean:               The guy I was interviewing to take over during my paternity leave.


Julia:               I can’t believe you were really considering that.


Sean:               Yes, Julia, I was really considering it.  I was actually putting you ahead of my career.  I know….you’ve been doing it for the past 16 years and its not what its cracked up to be.  You made that pretty clear.


Julia:               For God’s sake, Sean!  You think I took the mid-term hoping I”d miscarry?


Sean:               You know the risks.


Julia:               You’re not the only one who’s lost a baby, Sean.


Sean:               But I was the only one who wanted one.






Leigh:              Dr. McNamara?  I’m calling you from my engagement party.


Sean:               Congratulations.  I’m glad your mother was convinced.


Leigh:              She didn’t buy it for a minute.   But she said that if a man was willing to change his face to please his mother-in-law, then that man must really love me.



“Sophia Lopez” (Episode #4)


Sean:               Tell me what you don’t like about yourself?


Cheyenne:       My ass.


Sean:               You want liposuction?


Cheyenne:       Don’t need it.  I’m cellulite free.


Sean:               So….what’s the problem?


Wallace:         She has a nasty hemotomia on her right cheek.  We’ll need to have it removed.


Cheyenne:       I thought I had a bruise?


Wallace:         A hemotomia is a bruise, sweetie.




Sean:               So, you’re an actress?  Have I seen any of your movies?


Cheyenne:       Maybe.  Did you catch Carnal Librarians 4?


                        (Sean looks perplexed)


Cheyenne:       My Favorite Cucumber?


Christian:        Ms. Forsyth’s production company does pro-women, adult films.  Strong female leads, foreplay, actual storytelling.  Very classy stuff.




Christian:        Maybe we should advertise.  Bobolit has billboards all over Miami.


Sean:               Boob-A-Lot?  You’re worried about the guy who was last in our class?  He has to advertise.  He’s a hack.




Christian:        You’re just rattled because that girlmakes erotic films.


Sean:               Erotic films uses a feather.  Porno films uses an entire chicken.  That girl’s has been through a lot of chickens.




Jude:              You two went to school together?


Julia:               Yes.


Jude:              Funny.  I thought she was your mother.





Sophia:            Can we talk about cost?  When I spoke to your parter over the phone, he said that this office, especially you, Dr. McNamara, does free work.  On a case by case basis.


Sean:               I’m afraid ‘pro-bono’ is out of the question for this type of operation.  That’s usually reserved for people who have suffered accidents or birth defects.


Sophia:            Being one gender on the inside and another on the outside is a birth defect.






Sophia:            That’s my son, Raymond.


Sean:               I don’t understand?


Sophia:            Well…..when a man and a woman love each other, they have sex.  And nine months later…….


Sean:               But you said you always knew you were a woman.


Sophia:            That’s not something I admitted to the world back in the day.  Amazing the great lengths you go to live a lie.






Matt:              Just so you know.   I’m really thankful for the opportunity to be your wingman.


Christian:        I’m here to work, not play.  And you are here to learn a vital lesson.  So what if your girlfriend turned out to be a vegetarian.   She’s not the only tuna in the tank.




Christian:        Merrill.  You look like a Q-Tip.


Merrill:           That’s what I thought, but my personal shopper talked me into it.  Said it was retro…………….that dumb bitch gets the boot on Monday.


Christian:        That Wallace is a smooth operator, inviting the both of us here so we can putin competitive bids.  Or are you still a party crasher like you were in college?


Merrill:           Chrisitian, I’m pleased to announce, that, these days, I walk through the front door.


Christian:        Bouncers all over town must take pity on those hairplugs.  Or have you sunk to bumming hundreds?


Merrill:           Since my billboards went up, all the bouncers know me on a first name basis.


Christian:        Is that right?


Merrill:           Fame is power, my friend.  Free entry.  Comp drinks.  The hottest, available poonanny.  I am living the life.  So…….how you guys doing.


Christian:        Great.  Business is booming.


Merrill:           Is that right?  That’s not what I hear.


Christian:        Has cheap fame made you omnipotent too, Merrill?


Merrill:           You can say whatever you want, slick, but since my billboards went up, my business has tripled in the last month.  I work eighteen hour days just to keep up.


Christian:        Sounds exhausting.


Merrill:           Sounds like I need a partner.


Christian:        Is that an offer, Merrill?


Merrill:           Maybe you and I can have lunch sometime.




Matt:              (notices a scantily dressed girl at the party sucking on a lollipop)  I like the outfit.


Girl:                 Really?  Thanks.  If you want to make it in this business you’ve got to stand out.  You know….have a gimmick?  That’s why I’m always sucking on something.    Oh my God……that sounded awful!   You in this business too?


Matt:              (thinks first)  I’m an agent.  So, you want to be an actress?


Girl:                 I’m trying, but, Wallace is a strict star-system.  You have to start at the bottom and work your way up.  So right now…I’m a fluffer.


Matt:              What exactly does a fluffer of your caliber do?


Girl:                 Give head to guys to keep them hard and stuff in between shots.


Matt:              (trying to remain calm)  Cool.  So uh…fluffing all day, that’s gotta be a real turn off after a while.


Girl:                 Actually…..its gets me really horny.  That’s why I have to keep sucking on these.


                        (‘Fluffer’ bites off the head of the lollipop and swallows it while looking at Matt)


Fluffer:          Ooops.


Matt:              So…..what happens now?


                        (Fluffer takes Matt by the hand and leads him away)




Matt:              I got your message and I know why you wanted to see me.  Its because I told you I was an agent.  And……the truth is….I’m not.


Fluffer:          You lied to me?


Matt:              Look, I know you want help with your career, which is why you asked me here.  But hey…you’ve got a great gimmick and….


                        (Fluffer starts to cry)


Matt:              Hey…what’s wrong?


Fluffer:          I’m sick.  I’ve got NGU.


Matt:              NGU?


Fluffer:          NonGonococcal Urethritis.  Some guy I was fluffing must’ve given it to me.  Which means….I gave it to you.


Matt:              Wait, I don’t have any symptoms.


Fluffer:          Yet.





Matt:              Please don’t tell dad, promise me?  We’ve been getting along so much better lately.  He’d be disappointed in me.


Christian:        I’m disappointed in you, too,  Matt.  How can you have sex with some girl without wearing a rubber?   I thought you were smarter than that.


Matt:              She practically dragged me into a closet.  What was I supposed to do?


Julia:               You say no, Matt!  (turns to Christian) What the hell were you thinking bringing him to a porn party?


Christian:        Julia, she’s a client.  I was there on business.


Julia:               He needs to be tested for HIV too.


Matt:              (to Julia) Why would you say that?  (to Christian)  Do you think she gave that to me too?





Julia:               What you do with your life  and where you stick your dick, is your business.   What you do with Matt is mine.  From now on you stay away from him!


Christian:        Julia, you’re being way too dramatic here.  You can’t lay down a law like that.  Matt’s like a……son to me. 


Julia:               And he is a son to me!   And a real father would never do what you did.  You’ll never be capable of being a real father, Christian.  You wanna know why?  Because real father wouldn’t turn someone they love into filth-loving, moraless, bottom feeders.  Real fathers want their sons to be better than they are, not carbon copies!





Matt:              Is that your car?


Christian:        I landed an exclusive contract and decided to treat myself.  I’m leaving it to you in my will, but that’s not the only reason to celebrate, Matty.    Your tests came back from the lab.   You……are as clean as the day you were born.


Matt:              (relieved)  Oh thank God.   Seriously?


Christian:        I’m proud of ya, kid.  You cheated your first STD.  Way to go.  Don’t do it again.  Your mother’s probably calmed down by now.  I figured we’d go tell her the good news together.  (tosses Matt the car keys).  You drive.  You….are gonna love this car.  I swear to God, you drive down the street, the girls are gonna follow you.


Matt:              (thinks it over then tosses keys back).  Uh….no thanks.  I don’t want to meet girls because of the car I drive.  Or, pick them up in strip clubs or porn parties.  I’m not you, man.





Salesman:       This car tells the world what you’ve become.


Christian:        Which is why I’m returning it.




Nanette Babcock”


Julia:               What's going on, Matt? Are you OK?

Matt                (on the other side): Look, I'm gonna be fine, Mom. (to Sean) Right? I'm gonna be fine?

Sean:               Take the ice pack off. Let me see.

Matt                (resisting): Mm-mmmm

Sean:               Matt, I changed your diaper hundreds of times. I've seen it. Come on.

After a long pause Matt removes the ice pack

Sean                (incredulous): You took a chunk out of your foreskin and lacerated the opening of your urethra. I can apply a slight pressure bandage. That will get you through the next couple of hours.

Matt:               And then what?

Sean:               And then later today you're coming into the office. And I'm gonna give you a proper circumcision

Matt:               No shit?

Sean:               On one condition: you start communicating with me. If there is something about your body you want changed, one of those nipple rings, whatever, we talk it out before you try self-mutilation. And if you have questions about sex, for instance, how to find and stimulate the clitoris, you come to me. I want to be involved in your life, Matt. Deal?

Matt                (after a long pause): Deal.






Julia:               Matt, you never even had your tonsils out.  Are you sure you want to go through with this?


Matt:              Its important to me, mom.   And…dad agrees.


Sean:               No, I don’t.  What you did needs to be corrected by a professional.  I’m doing your circumcision out of medical necessity.  Which reminds me, before we leave you’ll have to shave your genital region.


Julia:               Carefully!


Matt:              And….the humiliation just keeps on coming, don’t it?





Sean:               Julia killed Frisky.  This disturbs me greatly, that she’s capable of something like that.  I have a  son who tried to cut off his penis, my wife flushed a gerbil.  Its like I moved back into hell house.  So, are you gonna say something or are you gonna pout like a six year old?


Christian:        Kiss my tanned, waxed ass, Sean.  How come you fired Pendleton without consulting me first?






                                                            Later. Vanessa and Matt are on Matt's bed

Vanessa:         Did it hurt?

Matt:               You were worth it.  : The stitches come out next week. We can do it anytime after that. (they lean in to kiss as Sean bursts in)

Sean:               Matt, have you urinated yet today? (He starts when he sees Vanessa.

Vanessa          (laughing): Buzzkill. Later.

Matt and Sean in the bathroom

Matt:               Why do you want to see this?

Sean:               I had to suture your urinarius, and I want to make sure there's no blood in the urine. That would be a sign of internal hemorrhaging. And I want to be here to support you.

Matt                (puzzled): Why do I need that?

Sean:               The first time you pee after an operation of this nature, It's going to feel like you're pissing fire, Matt. Just press down on my hand and scream if you want. Nobody's going to judge you.

Matt                : I- I don't need to hold your hand, Dad. And, uh, can you give me some privacy?

Sean:               Oh.

Matt tries to urinate

Sean:               Vanessa's a little hard body, Matt. Looks like you're dating a future prom queen. Congratulations.


Matt:               I can't dance.

Sean:               OK, well let's come back in an hour then.

Matt:               No, I, uh I mean I really can't dance. You're right about the prom thing. She's already asked me to go. And I don't.....don't know how to dance.

Sean:               Uh, Well that's OK. Neither could I. You just say "It's not my thing."

Matt:               This works?

Sean:               I didn't even dance at my own wedding. Women like it when there's some mystery there.

Matt:               Thanks

Matt                : Uhh! Shit! It's coming! Uh! (reaches out) Hand!





Christian:        Is this how its gonna be from now on?  Listening to the concerns of ‘Salsa Spice’ over the judgement of your partner?






Sean:               Vanessa’s a little hardbody.  Looks like you’re dating a future prom queen, congratulations.


Matt:              I can’t dance.


Sean:               That’s okay, we can come back later……


Matt:              No, I mean I really can’t dance.  You’re right about the prom thing. She’s already asked me to go and I don’t know how to dance.


Sean:               Well, that’s okay.  Just say….’its not my thing’.


Matt:              And this works?


Sean:               I didn’t even have to dance at my own wedding.  Women like it when there’s a little bit of mystery.


Matt:              Thanks.




Nanette:         Jim Raconia was gonna be at my reunion.  I bet he would’ve loved you.  You with your perfect face, your tight ass and tits that don’t sag down to an elastic waistband that you don’t have to wear.  I hate girls like you.  You always got the Jim’s of this world.


Grace:             Was Jim a friend of yours, Nanette?


Nanette:         He was the class president.  I read on that he was recently divorced.  I thought….that maybe if I looked prettier – like one of them – he’d notice me and strike up a conversation.  But you ruined all that.


Grace:             And that’s why you vandalized Dr. Troy’s car?


Nanette:         You think I’d do that?  Because…..if I’m ugly, then naturally I’m a crazy bitch, too?


Grace:             Miss Babcock, nothing that goes on in a doctor’s office is personal.


Nanette:         You rejecting me and ruining my dream is personal!  You not making me the best I can be is personal!  I get rejected all the time.  But when I offer to pay, and still get rejected….that….is……personal!





Sean:               Why did you schedule another necklift for Mrs. Grubman?


Christian:        I didn’t schedule that operation.


Sean:               Well, who did then, the filofax fairy?  I’m sitting here reviewing next month’s surgeries and here it is on the 15th.


Christian:        I’m telling you, Sean, I didn’t schedule that operation.  I sliced that bitch’s waddle off 15 months ago!






Grubman:        I don’t like your tone, Dr. Troy.  And, the next time you speak to me that way, take a moment to remember who’s keeping you in those Gucci suits you love so much





Christian:        Ironic, isn’t it?  That after years of enduring your ‘be more responsible’ lectures, you’re the one who’s screwing us.






Grubman:        A toast.  To closing you down.


Christian:        Why are you doing this?  You don’t need the goddamn money.  Your husband left you everything when he died.



Grubman:        I’m doing this because you betrayed me.


Christian:        I didn’t betray you.  I was negligent and left the cautery tip in our stomach……



Grubman:        I couldn’t give a shit about that.


Christian:        Then why are you suing me?



Grubman:        Because you left me!  You left me after I was loyal to you.  Oh, you think you made me with your implants and your collagen and your magic scalpel.  But, the truth is….I made you.  I sent you all my society friends.  I even threw cocktail parties in your honor to get you known in all the right circles.  And now, dumping me like one of your one night whores is the thanks I get?  I deserve better!


Christian:        My decision was correct, Mrs. Grubman.  I just went about it the wrong way.  Actually, I stopped working on you because you were my masterpiece.  There were no more strokes to be made on your canvass.  After the tummy tuck, I realized….”she’s perfect.  My work is done”.



Grubman:        You’re a god damn liar.





Sean:               Did she intimate that if you slept with her she’d drop the lawsuit?


Christian:        Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the crypt keeper to make your mistake go away?





Sean:               Forget about Grubman.  I’m gonna tell her I botched the surgery.  You shouldn’t have to give in to her demands.


Christian:        I don’t know what our options are, Sean.  If I don’t, she’s gonna close us down and, I’m sorry, but I’ve worked too hard to wind up, at 40, saying “Welcome to Cinnabon, how may I help you?”





Christian:        Mrs. Grubman?



Grubman:        Dr. Troy.  Don’t’ worry – I’m not here to rehash that nasty lawsuit business.  I was just scheduling some light bottom lipo.


Christian:        Mrs. Grubman, I didn’t approve that surgery.



Grubman:        Oh, but you will.  And, correct me if I’m wrong, but all future operations will be at no charge.


Christian:        Mrs. Grubman, I thought we had an understanding?



Grubman:        We do.  You understand me, and I treasure that.


Sean:               Don’t tell me she’s re-opening the case.


Christian:        Worse.  We now have a lifetime pro-bono patient.








Matt:              Look, this is ridiculous.  Why don’t you guys just go to marriage counseling?


Julia:               Because marital counseling doesn’t work.  Its just a way for people to figure out how to break out.


Matt:              Yeah, we’ll you’re not helping anyone doing what you’re doing.  Stop dealing with stupid half measures and either shit or get off the pot.


Annie:             He said the ‘brown’ word!





Sean:               I don’t have any surgeries this afternoon.  One margharita will be fine.  You?


Grace:             I have to drink.  Right after this I have an A.D.D. patient who spends the first half of his session lining up the Kleenex box just so and the next twenty minutes recounting  how he obsessively thinks about me while he’s masturbating.


Sean:               I bet you get that a lot………Attention Deficit Disorder patients.




Sean:               This is not your grandfather’s coffee pot  It actually grinds the beans in the machine.  Amazing what you can afford when you nix a marble steamroom and put the money towards something more practical.


Liz:                  That costs more than my car.  What a perk it would have been to hang out here and have a double macciado in between tit jobs?





Matt:              What can’t you just give me the circumsion?  He’ll never know.


Christian:        Slicing up your dick is a little more telltale than an anonymous sixpack run, Matty.





Matt:              So, why are we here.


Christian:        Because we are gonna work on the confidence part tonight.


Matt:              You’re kidding, right?


Christian:        Au contrare, my little Virginator.  I’ve arranged for you to get it out of the way.  I figured once you got a bang under your belt, you’ll be able to bicycle over to Vanessa’s, grab that peachy ass and show her how its done without any fear.  Girls don’t care if you have a two inch pecker, a hairy ass or balls like cranberries.  What they care about, is that you know what you’re doing.


Matt:              So…which girl?


Christian:        Behind me, on the stairs.  Her name’s Avanti.  Rumor has it she can suck the peel off an apple.


Matt:              I feel entirely creepy paying someone to pretend they like me.   No, hey, besides man…I’m not gonna cheat on Vanessa.   I love her.  Haven’t you ever had that?


Christian:        Once.





Julia:               Poor Frisky!  He must’ve climbed up and fallen in.


Plumber:         No, that’s not possible.  Geribil’s can’t climb porcelain.  There’s no traction for their claws.  Someone threw this in.  I saw a bicycle outside.  You have a teenage son, don’t you Mrs. McNamara?  I don’t want to freak you out, but….they say that’s how Ted Bundy got started – torturing small animals.






Christian:        Another reason to celebrate.  You’re a single doctor door.  Translation – ass galore!


Sean:               I can’t be like you, Christian.  I’m not that guy.


Christian:        Now’s your chance.





Christian:        If you want a regular Friday night date and a father for your kids, stay with Sean.


Julia:               Since when did you become so cruel?







Sean:               I’ve been waiting out here for an hour.  Why did you tell the security guard not to let me in.


Grace:             I’ve had stalkers in the past, but they’re usually patients, not other doctors.


Sean:               That guy last night wasn’t me.  I haven’t had a date since Regan was in office.  I’m no good at it.







Christian:        Singles or doubles?


Kimberly:        Doubles.  I’m meeting my boyfriend here.


Christian:        Can I buy you a drink?


Kimberly:        I don’t drink.


Christian:        Can I buy you an appetizer?


Kimberly:        I don’t eat.  I’m a model.




Christian:        You’re a pretty girl, Kimberly.


Kimberly:        I don’t want to be pretty.  I want to be better.  I want to be perfect.





Julia:               Ever since I nursed Annie, I kinda feel like my boobs are disappearing.  Think I should consider…….something?


Sean:               I thought you were past all that stuff?


Julia:               Oh, yeah, I forgot.  I should just cut to the chase and have my uterus bronzed.





Christian:        God, it is beautiful out here, huh?

Matt:               Oh yeah, it's perfect weather for skipping school.

Christian:        I want you back by third period, Matty. We agreed. Here. I wrote you a doctor's excuse.

Matt:               Thanks. Hey listen. and thanks for the medical consultation stuff. Um, when can we schedule an operation?

Christian:        Whoa, Whoa Whoa. Slow down. Like it or not we have to talk to your dad about this. You're under 18. He has to sign the consent form.

Matt:               Yeah....he'll never go for it. He's such an asshole.

Christian         (angrily): Hey! Don't you call your father that. You don't know how lucky you got it. Besides your dad is not an asshole. Robots can't be assholes. (They laugh)






Sean:               Check out this bombshell.  We’re getting ready this morning, and Julia tells me she wants her breasts done.


Christian:        If you’re thinking confict of interest, I’d like to volunteer my services.


Sean:               Still have a crush on the misses, do we?


Christian:        Let the records show that I dated her first and passed off my sloppy seconds to you.






Christian:        What is it that we’re doing, Sean, other than make people feel good about themselves?


Sean:               What we do is let people externalize the hatred they feel about themselves.  Which is why I want to hire a full time psychologist to screen people better.


Christian:        Oh great.  And lets do yoga in the lobby, too.





Sean:               Tell me what you like about yourself?

Matt:               Look, Dad, I'm grateful that you're treating me like an adult. But if we have to do this, can we skip the psycho mind-probe stuff?

Sean:               Our mother and I have thought a lot about this topic. We didn't give you a circumcision because you were six weeks premature. Your little fighting body didn't need the stress of an operation.

Matt                (shrugs): I could have handled it.

Sean:               Matt, why did you go to Christian with your concerns instead of me?

Matt:               Because he's cooler than you and he listens to me. I don't get that Father-knows-best bullshit from him. He treats me like a man.

Sean                Matt, I'm going to make an appointment with a psychologist. I apologize we don't have one on the staff here. We should.

Matt:               Whoa! What? Why?

Sean:               You've never bowed to peer pressure before. I think something's going on.

Matt                Look, I just want it, OK? I don't want guys talking trash about me and I know women don't like it when you're not cut. It's the smell or something....even though I keep it clean, so feel free to skip the hygiene lecture.

Sean:               Matt, are you having sex with girls?

Matt:               Not with girls, Dad. With Vanessa. Maybe you've over-heard me talking to Mom about her. You know she's beautiful, she's a varsity cheerleader. She can have any guy she wants. And she chose me.

Sean:               So you have had sex?

Matt:               It's getting there and I know she'll see it and hurl.

Sean:               Matt, if this girl genuinely cares about you, she's not going to care about something trivial as extra skin.

Matt:               Trivial?! This is my life! This is not trivial. Look, for once.......just give me something that I need.






Kimberly:        I don’t understand this.  I haven’t heard from Christian since my operation.  I thought we were gonna be together.


Sean:               Miss Henry, I think you’re conflicting Dr. Troy’s pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotion.


Liz:                  If its any consolation to you, honey, you’re not the first girl he’s done this too.  But at least you got a good set of tits out of it.  So, heal, in more ways than one, and just go on about your life.






Sean:               Its my turn to talk now, Christian!  Okay?  The mute finally speaks, so listen up!  Thank you for using your cock to lure emotionally damaged young women to our office.  It’s a brilliant sales ploy!





Sean:               For ten years I’ve been consumed with transforming other people.  Starting today, I’m transforming myself.





Sean:               What the hell is it with people in this house throwing things at my head?


Julia:               Finally, some passion!  Congratulations, you’re not bloodless after all.  Do you know how long its been since I heard you laugh?  Or seen you get emotional about anything.  I haven’t seen you cry since Matt was born.


Sean:               I’m not gonna apologize for that.  I’m a surgeon.  If Iget emotional, patients die.


Julia:               I am not one of your patients, Sean!  I am your wife.  And on your watch, a death has occurred.  The death of you and me.  This marriage doesn’t even have a pulse anymore.