Germ Warfare
December 10, 1972
Written by Larry Gelbart
Directed by Terry Becker
Guest Stars: Robert Gooden, Karen Philipp, Byron Chung
Synopsis: Hawkeye is taking care of a North Korean patient in Post-Op, when Frank notices that he is there and demands he be transferred to the POW unit. Hawkeye claims that he is too ill to be transferred and needs taking care of in a hospital.
In Henry’s office, Hawkeye and Trapper put it to Henry, but for once he agrees with Frank. The North Korean needs a transfusion and his blood-type is AB Negative – since this is a rare blood-type they can’t afford to give pints of it to the enemy. And he is taking up space in Post-Op.
Henry is signing the transfer orders, but he relents and decides that the North Korean can stay, as long as Hawkeye and Trapper get him out of Post-Op.
So they move him into Hawkeye’s cot in the Swamp, and get Ho-Jon to explain to him what is going on. Ho-Jon finds out the North Korean’s name is Pai.
The next order of business is Pai’s transfusion. Radar brings the surgeons a list of the blood types of everyone in the outfit – Only Frank is AB Negative.
That night, Hawkeye and Trapper wait until Frank is sound asleep, then take a pint of blood from him to give to Pai. Frank barely stirs as Hawkeye and Trapper do vampire impressions at his bedside.
The next day, Hawkeye is in the Mess Tent when Trapper comes in with some distressing news – Pai has developed symptoms of hepatitis. It may be a transfusion reaction from Frank’s blood, although symptoms of hepatitis usually don’t occur so quickly. Hawkeye and Trapper need to test Frank to be sure.
They meet Frank on the compound and try to persuade him that he doesn’t look well, and that they should do a blood test to make sure he’s ok. Frank is suspicious and refuses. There is a little blood left over from the night before that can be tested, but by itself it isn’t enough – they need a urine sample too.
Back in the Swamp, Hawkeye, Trapper and Spearchucker are having a beer-tasting session when Frank arrives. They tell him something is wrong with the beer and ask him to help them decide what it is. They have Frank drink beer from several different cans, and it’s not long before he needs to visit the latrine.
When Frank gets there, Radar is putting an Out of Order sign on the door – he explains that the latrine is closed for redecoration. There is a temporary officers’ arrangement – a bucket under a cover. Annoyed, Frank takes the bucket.
Once Frank is done, Hawkeye and Trapper take the bucket and give it to a soldier in a jeep, along with Frank’s blood sample, to take as quickly as possible to the lab in Seoul for testing.
Meanwhile, Frank cannot be allowed near any patients, or near Margaret, so the pair send him on wild goose chases across the camp to keep him distracted.
Eventually, it is time for Frank to go on duty, and Hawkeye and Trapper are forced to confess what they did and tell Frank not to operate as he may have hepatitis.
Radar hurries in with Frank’s test results – he does not have hepatitis, but he does have anaemia.
Frank, recuperating from his anaemia, is in the Swamp playing draughts with Pai when Hawkeye and Trapper come back from surgery. They bring him a bunch of flowers to apologise for stealing his blood, and all is well.
Review: This one is not bad, but not fantastic either. Quite a few funny lines. 6/10.
Romance Review: Hawkeye has fantasies about Lieutenant Dish. There is some Margaret/Frank, but let’s not even discuss it. 2/10.
Quotes: ‘Tonight’s War Department film on how to lead a good, clean life has been cancelled, due to unusually heavy indifference.’ – The PA.
‘We had many complaints that the latrines lacked any sort of aesthetic quality whatsoever, and it’s essential that we show the Koreans democratic plumbing in action.’ – Radar to Frank.
‘Let’s watch out language, shall we, McIntyre?’
‘Frank, I’m sorry about that. But you know how it is. War is heck.’ – Frank and Trapper.
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