Disclaimer: I own nothing here. I borrow everything. Please don’t sue me.

Author’s Note: This is a response to the below challenge which was posted at Carnal Sins:

~Buffy comes back after Season 5 to find Spike very attached to Dawn but avoiding her completely. Must have Buffy admitting she is interested/loves Spike in public. Spike on a motorcycle. Anya flirting with another guy and Xander having a jealousy attack and kissing Tara in the midst of it all. **But I want a sad ending!!**--Make me cry!! I wouldn't mind it long and angsty.~

This killed me to write because I’m a sucker for a happy ending, but I did it. Hope you like it.

Rating: NC-17

Where The Heart Is…

Dawn and Spike were sitting in his crypt across from each other. Dawn had just finished telling him that Buffy was back. She tried to read the emotions on his face, but mostly all she saw was shock. She waited expectantly for him to say something.

“Well? Aren’t you gonna say anything?” She asked.

“What should I say? This is insane!” He snapped angrily, rising to his feet.

He began to pace around his crypt anxiously, running his hands through his hair. Dawn looked at him confused at his reaction.

“Spike, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be thrilled.” She said confused.

He turned to face her sharply.

“Thrilled? Are you mad? This is a huge mistake. People are not supposed to come back from the dead. It’s wrong.” He said agitatedly.

Dawn looked at him pointedly.

“You came back from the dead.”

“That’s different. I’m a vampire. Buffy isn’t. I just can’t believe this.” He said, slumping down in his chair.

A million and one thoughts were going through his head. He was thrilled to hear she was back. It was like one of his many dreams come true. But then there was the fact that she might not be right. Resurrections were taboo. Things went wrong. They always went wrong. He looked at Dawn.

“Is she alright? I mean, is she really Buffy?” He asked softly.

“Yeah. I mean, she’s a little wigged, and kind of confused and all, but it’s Buffy.” Dawn said eagerly, hoping he was coming around.

“Why would they do this? I mean, things were finally starting to make sense again. And now….” Spike said softly, lost in his own thoughts.

“You don’t want her back?” Dawn asked quietly.

“Of course I do. I just…Losing her was so hard. I don’t think I could even look at her.” He admitted.

“I know. It was hard, but she’s back. We don’t have to be sad anymore.” Dawn said hopefully.

“You just don’t understand, Dawn. I don’t want to see her. I can’t see her. It’ll just be too hard.” He said shaking his head.

Dawn looked at him startled. She assumed that he would have run out of his crypt so fast to see Buffy, that she would have been left in the wake. The way he was acting now was so strange and unexpected. She walked over and touched his arm.

“Spike, you have to see her. She was asking about you.” Dawn said softly.

“She was asking about me?”

“Yeah. She wanted to know if you were still around. I told her how you’ve been looking out for me. She seemed real glad to hear it.” Dawn said, trying to cheer him up.

He looked at her desperately. He wanted to see Buffy so bad it was hurting, but he knew seeing her wouldn’t make anything easier. She still didn’t love him, and she never would. He was afraid that if he saw her, he’d do something stupid like start crying and try and kiss her.

He couldn’t handle her cold rejection again. Plus he didn’t want her to know how poofy he had become. He cried all the time like a bloody girl. If she saw that side of him, he’d never hear the end of it. It was best to just try and distance himself from the whole situation. It’s not like she’d really care anyway.

“No. I don’t want to see her.” He said firmly. “But you should get back now. We don’t want everyone to worry about you.”

She looked at him sadly. She hadn’t been prepared for this reaction at all. A tear fell from her face and he reached out and wiped it away.

“Don’t cry, Niblet.” He soothed her.

“But, I just don’t understand. I thought you loved her?” She asked.

“I do. But it’s complicated. I just can’t be around her right now.” He explained as he pushed the hair out of her eyes softly.

“But why not?”

“Because. I just think it’d be best if I kept my distance. You know she doesn’t love me, Dawn. Just because she’s back doesn’t mean anything has changed for us. I’d just rather not make a fool of myself with her anymore.” He explained quietly.

“We’re still gonna be friends, right? I mean, you aren’t gonna avoid me too, are you?” She asked sadly.

“Of course we’re still friends. This has nothing to do with you. I just need some time to think, is all. Now, go on. Get home.” He told her, attempting a smile.

“Okay.” She said reluctantly.

She walked out of the crypt and headed home. The sun was just starting to go down, and she knew she needed to walk fast. Spike had taught her how to fight while Buffy was gone. He wanted her to be able to defend herself. He had to admit, she was pretty good, but not as good as Buffy, of course.

Dawn was prepared to fight if she had too, but she’d rather just get home before the creatures started crawling out of their holes. It was easier that way. Luckily, they obliged her. She made her way up the steps and into her house.

Buffy was sitting in the living room with Willow, talking quietly. She looked up when Dawn came in, and frowned when she noticed that she was alone.

“Where’s Spike?” Buffy asked curiously.

“He, uh…Well, he… He didn’t want to come.” Dawn said awkwardly.

“What?”

“He doesn’t want to see you, Buffy.” Dawn admitted softly.

Buffy felt her heart wrench. He didn’t want to see her? She couldn’t have heard that right. She looked at Dawn incredulously.

“He doesn’t want to see me?” She asked.

Dawn shook her head sadly.

“Oh.” Was all that Buffy could manage.

This little bit of information was hurting her a lot more than it should. Until this moment, she wasn’t actually aware that she had been so eager to see him. Willow touched Buffy’s arm, sensing her hurt feelings.

“I’m sure he has a good reason. He probably just doesn’t know what to say.” Willow offered her sympathetically.

Buffy shook away the wounded emotions and looked at Dawn.

“Oh well. It’s not like I really cared or anything. I was just gonna thank him for looking out for you. But, now I see that I don’t need to bother.” She said with feigned disinterest.

Dawn looked at her and tried to tell if she was bothered or not. It seemed like she was hurting, but Dawn wasn’t sure. She just wished she understood why Spike was doing this.

“I’m gonna go upstairs. Are we gonna order pizza later?” Dawn asked, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah Dawnie. Pepperoni?” Willow asked with a smile.

“Yeah, and extra cheese.” Dawn added, as she walked up the stairs.

Buffy turned to Willow and started to say something. She stopped herself and shook her head.

“What? What is it?” Willow asked.

“Nothing. It’s just…I mean…He doesn’t want to see me?” Buffy asked, still full of surprise and hurt.

“Maybe he’s just confused. It is all a little unsettling, I guess. He’ll come around.” Willow said as she patted Buffy’s arm.

Willow was a little shocked herself. Spike had been miserable without Buffy around. She assumed he would come crashing through the door and grab her, the instant he found out. Not that she thought it was a smart idea to grab Buffy, but still. She thought he would have wanted to, at least.

“How was he while I was gone? I mean, did he care and stuff?” Buffy asked curiously.

“Yeah, he cared. He was a basket case at first. But then he got better. He took care of Dawn just like you asked. I think he even taught her how to fight.” Willow told her.

“He taught her how to fight?” Buffy asked with irritation.

“Well, not to fight. More like defending herself. You know, just in case.” Willow tried to recover.

“Still, I don’t know if I like that idea or not.” Buffy said shaking her head. Then she looked at Willow again. “You think he’s over me? I mean, I was dead. Usually that’s kinda final. Do you think he just doesn’t want to see me cause he doesn’t care anymore?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like I asked him or anything. Would that bother you if he was?” Willow asked curiously. Buffy was acting a little strange.

“No. I don’t care. I mean, I was just wondering.” Buffy shrugged, trying to act casual.

The truth was, it did bother her. A lot. Before she died, she was developing feelings for him. She didn’t really have time to sort them out, or even think about it. But they were there. She kind of assumed now that she was back, they’d have a second chance to delve into those feelings a little deeper. She never even considered that he would have moved on already.

But she had been dead. She guessed it wasn’t really fair to have expected him to hold her in his heart eternally. Especially, since they never even had a relationship. It still hurt her. She decided that she didn’t care whether or not he wanted to see her. She was going to see him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Buffy walked briskly to Spike’s crypt. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to say to him. She just knew she needed to see him. She got to his door and threw it open. Just like old times… She thought to herself.

She walked into the room and saw him sitting in his chair. He stood up abruptly when he heard the sound of his door slamming open. He turned and saw a very alive, and very annoyed looking Buffy staring him down.

“So, you don’t want to see me?” She asked, with her hands on her hips.

He just stared at her completely numb. He had been prepared with the knowledge that she was alive again, but seeing it with his own eyes was more heart wrenching than he anticipated.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” She asked, irritated.

“My god…It’s really you.” He said in awe.

“Of course it’s me.” She glared at him.

He wiped at his eyes which were threatening to tear up. He would rather stake himself than let her see him crying. This was exactly why he didn’t want to see her. Damn her for being so bloody stubborn! He thought to himself.

He pulled himself together and stood up straight. He was desperately trying to put on airs. He didn’t want her to know how much she was affecting him.

“Well, glad to hear you’re back. You seem pissed off as ever. Guess some things never change.” He said coolly.

“I’m pissed because you’re being an ass. Hello? I was resurrected from the grave, and you didn’t even want to see me?” She snapped at him irritated.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to go running into your arms? Tell you how much I love you? Please. I’m over that. It was a phase. And well, you died.” He shrugged.

This charade was going to kill him, but not as much as telling her the truth, would.

She stared at him amazed at his callousness. This didn’t seem like the Spike she remembered just before she died. This was more like the old Spike. The one she despised.

“Oh, well glad to see that you got over your supposed undying devotion so quickly.” She snapped.

“What can I say? I’m a pig, remember?” He said, lighting a cigarette.

“That’s right. You are.” She said crossing her arms angrily.

“It’s not like it matters to you anyway, right? I rather thought you’d be pleased to know I’m not gonna be following you around like a wounded puppy dog anymore.” He said, taking a deep drag on his cigarette.

“It doesn’t matter to me. I can’t believe I even came here.” She said tossing her head back angrily.

“Why did you come?”

She looked at him and tried not to show any of the raw emotion she was feeling.

“I was going to thank you for looking after Dawn. But, I changed my mind. I’ve decided that I don’t need you to look after her anymore. I’m back and I don’t need you.” She said glaring at him.

Her words stung him deeply, but he wouldn’t let it show. Surely she wasn’t suggesting that he not see Dawn anymore? There was no way he would agree to that.

“You never needed me. At least that’s what you always said. But Dawn does need me.” He told her.

“No. Dawn doesn’t need you. Nobody needs you.”

“I’m not gonna stop seeing her.” He told her heatedly.

“We’ll see about that. Just stay away from me and my sister.” She said, turning on her heel and walking out the door.

She slammed it hard and stood just outside for a moment. Tears were running down her cheeks and she couldn’t stop them. She had a multitude of emotions running through her. She felt anger, and sadness. She was also confused and hurt by his coldness.

She turned and walked slowly home, trying to shake the thoughts out of her head. She had more important things to worry about than this. She had just returned from the dead. This was not a priority, she tried to tell herself. Just forget about him and maybe he’ll go away.

She walked into the house and crept upstairs. She knew Dawn was asleep and didn’t want her to know that she had gone out. She opened her bedroom door quietly and flipped on the light.

Dawn was sitting on the bed waiting for her. Buffy jumped.

“Dawn! You scared me.” She said, startled out of breath.

“Sorry. I just wondered where you went. I was starting to think you weren’t actually back and it was all just a dream.” Dawn said quietly.

Buffy sat on the bed next to her and put her arm around her. She stroked her hair softly.

“I’m sorry. I just needed some air.” Buffy explained.

Dawn looked over at her.

“You went to see him, didn’t you?”

Buffy sighed. She never could fool Dawn.

“Yeah. I did.”

“What happened?”

“It was awful. He said he was over me and that it was just a stupid phase. He was so cold. I don’t think I want you hanging around him anymore.” Buffy told her seriously.

Dawn stood up and looked at Buffy, irritated.

“What? Just because he doesn’t worship the ground you walk on anymore, I can’t see him?” She asked bitterly.

“Dawn, he’s not your friend. He’s nobody’s friend.” Buffy said, trying to reach out to Dawn.

“No. You don’t know him like I do. He is my friend. Did you tell him he can’t see me?” She asked, moving away from Buffy.

“Yes.”

“Well, what did he say?”

“He said that he wouldn’t stop seeing you.” Buffy admitted softly.

“Well, there you go. He is my friend. Just because you’re not the most important thing in his life anymore, doesn’t mean I’m not.” Dawn said seriously.

“But Dawn, it’s not right for you to be hanging around him. I don’t know what he’s thinking anymore.”

“He’s just confused and a little weirded out. He’s still cool.”

“He isn’t cool. I never should have entrusted you to him in the first place.” Buffy said shaking her head.

“But you did. He hasn’t done anything wrong, except get over you. Isn’t that what you wanted anyway?” Dawn asked her.

“Yes. But—.”

“No. He hasn’t done anything wrong therefore, he’s still my friend. My best friend. I won’t stop seeing him.” Dawn said folding her arms across her chest.

Buffy looked at Dawn and sighed. She was stubborn just like she was. It was a startling look at herself and it pained her. She relented.

“Fine. You can see him. But I don’t like it.”

“Don’t worry Buffy. He cares about me. He’d never hurt me.” Dawn reassured her.

“I know.” She said softly.

I used to think he cared about me like that too… She thought to herself.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Weeks went by and Buffy was trying to get back into the paces of a normal life. She and her friends were becoming closer again. At a time like this, she needed them desperately. Still, she couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. Some important part of her life wasn’t right.

Every time she thought about it, her thoughts would drift to Spike. She tried relentlessly to push his face out of her mind, but it was difficult. It didn’t help matters that he was sitting in her living room, as she walked through the front door.

He was sitting on the couch with Dawn watching television. Buffy felt her heart stop at the sight of the two of them together, laughing and talking. She cleared her throat loudly.

“Dawnie? What’s he doing here?” Buffy asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“We were just watching Dawson’s Creek.” Dawn said shrugging.

She was relieved that Buffy continued to allow her to hang out with Spike, but it was clear she wasn’t thrilled that he was at their house.

“Well, watch it somewhere else.” Buffy said glaring at Spike.

“My TV is broken.” Spike offered without even looking at Buffy.

“Notice me not caring.” Buffy said sarcastically.

“Buffy, you said we could hang out and stuff. So we’re hanging. Why don’t you just go upstairs?” Dawn said, getting irritated.

“When I said you could see him, I meant away from here. Far away from here.” Buffy explained quickly.

Spike stood up and looked at Dawn.

“Listen, Niblet. We’ll watch it another time. I should go anyway.” He said uncomfortably.

“Good idea.” Buffy said with a smile.

“No. We’re just getting to the good parts. You can’t leave now.” Dawn protested.

“You can tell me what happens. See you soon.” He said with a smile.

He then pushed past Buffy and headed out the door without another word. Buffy gave Dawn a satisfied look. Dawn only glared at her.

“Happy now? You’ve ruined my whole evening.” Dawn said, fighting back tears.

“I don’t want him here. He’s rude and obnoxious.” Buffy said defensively.

“Not to me. The only reason he’s so obnoxious to you, is because you’re a bitch to him.” Dawn said angrily.

Her words stung Buffy and she tried to fight back the tears that sprung to her eyes.

“Don’t talk to me like that.” Buffy choked out.

“It’s true. If you hadn’t of been so mean to him, none of this would have happened.” Dawn said crossing her arms.

“I wasn’t mean to him. You have no idea what’s going on. Before I died, we were getting along. Now all of a sudden, he hates me again. How am I supposed to react to that? The only reason I’m acting like a bitch is because he deserves it.” Buffy said with tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Why do you care if he hates you?”

“Because! It hurts me. He hurts me. Seeing him with you, hurts me.” Buffy said sadly.

Dawn heard the pain in Buffy’s voice. Suddenly, she wasn’t sure herself what was going on. Her hard look softened and she raised her eyes to meet Buffy’s.

“Are you in love with him?” She asked softly.

Buffy felt a sob catch in her throat and looked away from Dawn.

“Yes.” She whispered, barely audible.

Dawn couldn’t believe her ears. Buffy was in love with Spike. Spike still loved Buffy. And everything was being ruined because they were both so pig headed and stubborn, that neither would admit their feelings.

Dawn went over and touched Buffy’s arm.

“Buffy…” She started.

“No. It doesn’t matter Dawn. He hates me. He’s over me. It doesn’t matter what I feel anymore. Nothing could happen anyway.” Buffy said quickly, wiping at her eyes.

“That’s not true. He still loves you. He told me so.” Dawn said eager for the truth to come out.

Buffy let out a bitter laugh.

“Right. He still loves me. That’s why he ignores me every time I walk into a room. Face it Dawn. It’s useless.” She said bitterly.

“Trust me Buffy. He still loves you. The only reason he’s ignoring you is because he doesn’t want you to hurt him again.” Dawn explained.

“So, what? He’s just gonna hurt me first?”

“I guess.” Dawn said quietly.

“Well that’s just brilliant. Well, you can tell him that it worked. I feel pretty crappy.” Buffy said hurtfully.

“You have to tell him how you feel. It will change everything.” Dawn urged her.

“No way. Are you nuts? Besides, he won’t let me near him. When I walk into a room, he walks right out again.” Buffy told her.

“Well, you could chain him up and make him listen.” Dawn offered trying to be funny.

Buffy looked at her and rolled her eyes.

“Let’s not go there, Dawn.”

“Sorry. Just trying to lighten things up.” Dawn said sheepishly.

“Look. Just forget it. We don’t belong together anyway. He’s a vampire, I’m a Slayer. It’s like two very un-mixy things. It’s probably best that we both just get over it.” Buffy said trying to convince herself.

Buffy turned and headed up the stairs. She was done talking. It was hurting her too much to even contemplate that his coldness had all been part of an act to hurt her. Or protect him. Either way, it was ridiculous.

She shouldn’t even be thinking about him at all. She couldn’t even believe that she had admitted to Dawn how she really felt. She hadn’t even really admitted it to herself before tonight. She was just gonna have to get over it.

After Buffy fell asleep, Dawn peeked in on her. Satisfied that she was out for the night, Dawn crept downstairs and headed for Spike’s crypt. She was going to find a way to make this right somehow. The two people she loved most were hurting each other for nothing.

It was making Dawn crazy. She got to his place and opened the door quietly. She walked inside but didn’t see Spike anywhere. She called out to him.

“Spike? Are you here?”

No answer. She decided to check the lower level, where he went to think a lot of the time. She climbed down the ladder and looked around. She saw him sitting in the corner holding a bottle of Whiskey and a piece of paper. She walked over to him.

“Spike? What are you doing?” She asked softly as she looked down at him.

She noticed that the piece of paper was a picture of Buffy. Her heart hurt just a little.

“Go away, Little Bit. I want to be alone.” He said drunkenly.

“Spike, don’t do this.”

“I can’t take this anymore. Seeing her so alive…Hating me so much…It’s tearing me up inside.” He said sadly.

He was more than just a little drunk and Dawn knew it.

“She loves you.” Dawn blurted out.

He looked at her shocked. Then he started laughing.

“That’s a good one. Are you trying to torture me too?” He asked through bitter laughter.

“No. It’s true. She told me. She’s mad at you because you’re ignoring her.”

“Good. Let her be mad. I don’t care.” Spike said, taking a long swig of the harsh alcohol.

“Will you listen to me? Put that bottle down.” She said, grabbing the Whiskey out of his hand.

“Give it back! I need that.” He said irritated.

“No, you don’t. Are you even listening to me? She loves you. You’re both so much alike, it’s sickening. I’ve never seen two people so irritatingly stubborn in my life.” She said exasperated.

“She doesn’t love me. Nobody loves me.” He slurred drunkenly, full of self pity.

Dawn rolled her eyes and sighed.

“I love you.” She offered him with a smile.

He looked up at her with drunken tears in his eyes.

“You do?”

“Yes. And she does too. Wake up and make this right before you ruin everything.” She said firmly.

“You know, Sweet Bit, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Hell, the only friend I’ve ever had.” He said looking up at her with glassy eyes.

“You’re my best friend too, Spike. I love you and I love Buffy. You guys are making each other miserable for nothing. And you’re making me miserable. Fix this before it’s too late.” She pleaded with him.

“What do I do?” He asked desperately.

“Talk to her. Tell her you still love her.”

“But what if she shoots me down again? I can’t bear that.” He said shaking his head.

“Just do it. Or I’ll chain you both up until you guys admit your feelings.” She said with a smirk.

He managed a small smile.

“Take it from me pet, that tactic doesn’t work very well.” He said with a laugh.

“Just tell her.” Dawn said pointedly.

Dawn then turned around and headed out of his crypt. She climbed the ladder and left him sitting there with his own thoughts.

He couldn’t believe what she had just told him. He secretly feared that it couldn’t be true. Buffy couldn’t possibly love him. But Dawn seemed so sincere, that he wanted to believe her. He looked down at the picture of Buffy laying next to him. He picked it up again and studied it.

“You make me crazy, you know that right?” He said to the picture. “Why do you have to be so beautiful?” He said, running his fingers across the smooth paper.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A few days later, Buffy sat at the table at the Magic Box. Anya was helping some customers and Xander was sitting across from her. He was talking about something but Buffy wasn’t really listening. She was too lost in her own thoughts about Spike.

“So, what do you think I should do?” Xander asked her.

Buffy turned and looked at him blankly.

“Huh?”

“I asked, what should I do?” He said giving her a weird look.

“About what?”

“Were you even listening? I don’t know what to do for our anniversary. Anya is expecting some sort of special thing for the anniversary of when we started dating. I need a woman’s opinion.” Xander explained again, agitated that she wasn’t paying attention to him.

“Oh. Well, take her to dinner or something.” Buffy offered disinterestedly.

“Dinner? That’s special? I mean, we go to dinner all the time.”

“Look, I don’t know. I’m not really in romantic mode right now.” Buffy told him a little more harshly than she intended.

“What is your problem Buffy?”

“Nothing.” She said defensively. Then she felt bad. She touched Xander’s arm. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s just, I have a lot on my mind right now. Why don’t you take her away for the weekend or something? That’s romantic and special.” She offered.

“Yeah. That’s an idea. Get away from the Hellmouth for awhile.” He said thoughtfully.

Just then, a well dressed, young man walked up to the counter. Anya looked at him appreciatively.

“Can I help you?” She asked, looking into his deep blue eyes.

“Yes. I’m looking for a book on Ancient Folklore.” He said with a smile.

“Oh. Well, we have several.” She said, becoming flustered at how attractive this man was.

It wasn’t like her to even notice other men, but something about this man struck her. She led him over to the literature section of the store. Xander looked over when he heard Anya giggling. He saw her touch the man’s arm and throw her head back in flirtatious laughter.

He looked at Buffy.

“I wonder what’s so funny?” He said, feeling the jealously rising in his stomach.

“Maybe he told her a joke or something.” Buffy shrugged.

Xander just continued to stare after them, uncomfortable with how enamored Anya seemed with this strange man.

Anya walked back up to the counter with several books in her hands. She looked at the handsome customer.

“So, you want all of these books? That could be pretty expensive. Not that I’m discouraging you. The more money you spend the better. Money is good.” She said flustered.

He laughed at her and shook his head.

“You’re a strange girl.” He laughed.

She looked at him embarrassed.

“I like that in a woman.” He smiled, noticing her embarrassment.

“You do?”

“Well yeah. It’s refreshing. And you’re right. Money is good. That’s why I have a lot of it.” He said flashing her a winning smile.

She melted instantly.

“You have a lot of money?” She asked swallowing hard.

“My parents own a large financial corporation. I’m training to take over for my father one day.” He explained. “My name is Joshua.” He said offering his hand.

Anya reached out and shook it lightly.

“I’m Anya.”

“What a pretty name.” He smiled. “I know we’ve just met, but I have to ask you, are you busy tonight?”

She smiled excitedly, and then suddenly realized that Xander was sitting across the room. She had forgotten all about him for a moment. She instantly felt ashamed of herself. She glanced over and saw that Xander was glaring at them. She looked back at Joshua.

“Um, I’m engaged.” She blurted out.

Joshua’s smile faded slightly.

“Oh. Sorry to hear that. I was gonna suggest you come out on my yacht for a romantic dinner.” He said, giving her a suggestive look.

Anya gulped.

“You have a yacht?”

“It was a present from my father for my twenty fifth birthday.”

She looked over at Xander and managed a small smile to try and put him at ease. He smiled at her, clearly unnerved by the man at the counter. Sweet, sweet Xander… Anya thought to herself. He’s really cute and sexy, but poor…Stop thinking like this! She urged herself. You’re marrying Xander. You love Xander… But there are other fish in the sea. Fish that have yachts…

She shook her head to dispel the horrible thoughts she was having.

“I’m sorry Joshua. I’m in love with Xander.” She said firmly, trying to do the right thing.

“He’s a lucky man.” He said shaking his head.

“Yes, he is. He’s sitting right over there.” She said waving to Xander who only nodded his head, clearly uncomfortable.

Xander turned to Buffy.

“Are they flirting? Do you think I should get up and kick this guys ass?”

“No. Just forget it. Look, he’s paying. He’ll be leaving soon.” Buffy said, trying to reassure him.

“Lucky for him. I could take him, right?” Xander asked, trying to beef up his wounded ego.

“You could totally take him.” Buffy said patting him on the arm.

Just then Joshua walked over to the table and smiled at Xander.

“So you’re the fiancé?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Xander said giving him a hard look.

“She’s real special. You’re lucky. You’d better be real careful someone doesn’t snatch her away from you.” He said smirking at him, then walking off.

Xander turned to Buffy sharply.

“What the hell was that? Who does that guy think he is?” Xander said irritated.

“Relax, Xander. He’s a jerk.” Buffy said comfortingly.

“You don’t actually think Anya was interested in that guy, do you?” Xander asked uncomfortably.

“Don’t be silly. He’s not even that cute.” Buffy said rolling her eyes. The truth was, he was that cute. Maybe Buffy should go after him? Get her mind of a certain annoying blonde vampire.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m being stupid. Anya loves me.” Xander said trying to boost his confidence.

“You two have something special. Don’t worry. I’d give anything to be as happy as you guys are.” Buffy said thoughtfully.

Xander saw her wistful expression and patted her on the arm.

“You’ll find someone again.” Xander reassured her.

“I hope. I just wish love wasn’t always so complicated.” She sighed.

“It doesn’t have to be. I mean, sometimes it just happens. That’s how it was for me and Anya. I mean, we were so totally wrong for each other. She used to be a demon, for God’s sake. But nothing can stop true love. You have to believe that.” Xander said, patting her on the back.

Buffy looked at him and smiled. If only he knew who she was pining away for, he’d probably be less than encouraging.

“So you don’t think it really matters if two people are seemingly wrong for each other? If they love each other, that’s enough?” She asked, feeling out the situation.

“Sure. Love is blind, or so they say.” He shrugged, and glanced over at Anya who was busy with another customer. Relieved it was a female customer, he turned back to Buffy.

“Love is blind.” She repeated, lost in thought.

“Look Buff, when you meet that special guy, you’ll just know. It’ll hit you like a ton of bricks. No one will be able to stop it.” He said with a smile.

“Thanks Xander. You have no idea how much you’ve helped me.” She said.

Inadvertently, he had given her the courage to tell Spike her feelings. He was right. When it’s love, it doesn’t matter how wrong you are for each other. She had something special under her nose and she was tired of ignoring it. She was so afraid that being in love with Spike would be painful. But she found loving him and not being with him, was more painful.

Still, it was easier said than done. What if he rejected her? What if Dawn was wrong about him still loving her? It was all so complicated. Maybe she shouldn’t tell him after all?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next night, everyone was at the Bronze hanging out. Willow and Tara were dancing and Xander and Anya were sitting with Buffy talking. Spike walked into the crowded bar and scanned the crowd. He wasn’t sure what he was gonna do. He was looking for Buffy, but was almost afraid of finding her.

He had finally gotten the courage to tell her how he felt again, but still wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Dawn had been relentless though, urging him along. He took a deep unnecessary breath and saw her sitting with her friends.

“Now or never, mate.” He muttered to himself.

He approached the table cautiously.

“Evening all.” He said with a smile.

Xander looked at him.

“Oh goody. Spike’s here. Now the fun can really begin.” He said sarcastically.

Buffy glared at him.

“Be quiet Xander.” She said nervously.

She was surprised that Spike had approached their table at all. She was so used to him ignoring her, it was startling. She didn’t want Xander to frighten him away.

Spike was un-phased by Xander’s remarks. He was used to it. He looked at Buffy.

“Can we talk?” He asked her nervously.

She looked at him surprised.

“You wanna talk to me?”

“Yeah. Can we go outside or something? It’s sort of private.” He said glancing nervously at Xander and Anya.

Just then, Willow and Tara came bounding up to the table happily holding hands.

“What’s up guys? Hey Spike.” Willow said, noticing him standing there.

“Spike’s trying to get Buffy alone.” Xander said, giving him a hard look.

“Why?” Willow asked, looking at Spike.

“My god you people are nosy. I said it was private.” He said, rolling his eyes. “Buffy?” He asked looking at her.

The butterflies in her stomach began fluttering nervously. She looked at him and suddenly panicked at the thought of being alone with him.

“Whatever you want to say, you can say it to me here.” She said crossing her arms.

Damn, she was a pain in the ass! Spike thought.

“I don’t think you want me to say this in front of everyone, pet.” He said through clenched teeth.

“Why not?”

“Just forget it. I’ve changed my mind. Obviously Dawn was wrong.” He said, turning to walk away frustrated.

Buffy stood to her feet.

“She was wrong about what?” Buffy asked him.

“She said I should find you and tell you how I feel. But clearly, she was mistaken.” He said irritated.

“Tell me how you feel?” Buffy gulped.

“Yes.”

“How do you feel?” She asked nervously.

Spike looked at her friends, who were waiting expectantly for his answer.

“What does it really matter? Clearly, you hate me still.” He said shaking his head.

“I think it’s the other way around. You’re the one who’s been avoiding me.” She said crossing her arms.

“I’ve been avoiding you because it hurts too much to see you. Whenever I see you, all you have for me are bitter words and hatred filled looks. It kills me!” He said angrily.

“I only look at you that way because you hurt me.” She said feeling tears run down her face.

“I hurt you?” He asked incredulously.

“Yes. When I came back, all I wanted to do was see you and you refused. Dawn told me you didn’t want to see me. Then I confronted you and you said you were over me. How was I supposed to feel?” She asked painfully.

“You were supposed to feel relief.” Spike said pointedly.

“Relief?”

Her friends were staring silently, feeling like voyeurs watching a real life soap opera. None of them had been prepared for this little episode of the Buffy and Spike show.

“Yes. You hate me and now I hate you. We’re right back where we are supposed to be.” He said, running his hands through his hair agitatedly.

“That’s what you came here to tell me? That you hate me?” She asked tearfully.

“Maybe.”

“Well you could have saved yourself the trouble. I don’t care.” She said crossing her arms angrily.

“Good. Neither do I!” He shouted.

The whole gang stood watching them with their eyes darting back and forth like a tennis match.

Spike started to walk off, but stopped mid-stride and turned around again.

“On second thought, I do care. Why are you being like this? Why do you hate me so much?” He asked heatedly.

“I don’t hate you, you idiot. I love you!” Buffy blurted out. Then she clamped her hand over her mouth, shocked at her blunt admission.

Gasps of surprise and horror were heard from the Scooby gallery. Spike looked at her with shock of his own. Hearing her admit her feelings was more startling than he thought. Especially because he’d been convinced that Dawn had lied to him.

“What?” Spike asked looking at her confused.

“Yeah. What?” Xander chimed in with a startled expression.

“I love you.” She said looking at Spike. Then she looked at her friends. “I love Spike. There I said it. Is everyone happy now?” She asked desperately.

“Actually, happy wasn’t the word I was looking for. More like horrified.” Xander said, shaking his head.

Spike ignored Xander and walked over to Buffy.

“You love me?” He asked softly, looking into her eyes.

“Yes. I don’t know why. I mean, you’re acting like a big jerk.” She said giving him a small smile.

“Oh Buffy. God, I love you.” He said, pulling her in for a kiss. This was the happiest night of his life.

They held each other and kissed passionately while the Scoobies looked on uncomfortably.

“Wow. I didn’t see that coming.” Willow said softly.

“Me neither. This is just disturbing and wrong. Look at them. My god, I think they’re gonna do it right here in the bar.” Xander said, making a disgusted face at the couple groping each other in front of him.

“Now that might be exciting to watch.” Anya said thoughtfully.

Everyone turned to her and looked at her oddly.

“Did I say that out loud?” She asked, looking at everyone sheepishly.

“Yes, An, you did. I can’t watch anymore. I think my eyes are bleeding.” Xander said looking away from them.

Finally the lovers broke away from each other and looked at everyone with sheepish grins.

“Um, guys, I know this is kind of a shock.” Buffy said nervously.

“More like nightmare.” Xander said shaking his head.

“You’re the one who told me that it didn’t matter if someone was all wrong for you. You said that love is blind.” Buffy said, bringing up his words to haunt him.

“Well, love may be blind, but it isn’t insane. When I said that, I didn’t mean you and Spike. There should never be a ‘you and Spike’.” He said uncomfortably.

“Well, there is. So get over it.” Buffy said, taking Spike’s hand. “Let’s dance.” She told him with a smile.

“Love to, pet.” He said, leading her away from the table.

Everyone else sat numbly around the table and finally Tara spoke up.

“They seem happy. I-I guess you gotta give them that.” She said trying to break the tension.

“Yeah, I mean Buffy’s been all mopey since she got back. I haven’t seen her smile hardly at all. And now? She’s all smiley. It’s kinda nice.” Willow said thoughtfully.

“You actually approve of this, Will?” Xander asked.

“Well, no. I-I mean, I guess not. But really? Where’s the harm? Love is a good thing.” Willow stammered.

“Love makes the world go round.” Tara offered with a smile.

“All you need is love.” Anya said nodding her head.

“Okay, okay. Stop. You guys are making me sick with the love quotes.” He said cringing.

“Love is a many splendored thing.” Willow added with a giggle.

Xander glared at her and she stopped smiling.

“Sorry. I’ll stop.” She said sheepishly.

“I’m going to the ladies room.” Anya said excusing herself from this uncomfortable situation.

On her way back from the restroom she spied Joshua at the bar. Anya felt her heart leap into her throat. She couldn’t believe he was here. She decided it was best to just ignore him. She tried to slip past undetected, but he saw her. His eyes lit up.

“Anya?” He called after her.

She turned around and smiled.

“Joshua.”

“Wow. What a surprise.” He said with a smile.

“It’s really the only place to go in town, so it’s not really that surprising.” She said matter of factly.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked.

Anya smiled and shrugged.

“Alright.” Just one drink wouldn’t be a big deal. He knew she was engaged, so it was okay, right?

Xander sat staring at Buffy and Spike who were dancing closely and appeared to be deep in conversation. He wished he could hear what they were saying. But on second thought, if they were talking about something mushy, he’d rather not know.

Just then, his eyes wandered over to the bar where he saw Anya sitting with Joshua. His eyes grew wide and his anger mounted.

“I don’t believe it.” He said bitterly, shaking his head.

“What? What’s wrong?” Willow asked, trying to see what he was seeing.

“That guy with Anya. He came into the shop the other day. Look at her. She’s sitting with him.” He said incredulously.

Willow noticed Anya’s laughter and recognized her flirty behavior. Her blood boiled a little bit for the way she was hurting Xander.

“Maybe he’s telling her a funny story?” Tara offered uncomfortably.

“I’m the only one allowed to tell her funny stories. This has gotta stop.” He said getting to his feet.

Just as he rose, he saw Joshua lean over and kiss Anya on the cheek. She made no move to stop him, and only smiled at him. Xander felt his heart break and jealousy overcome him.

“I’m gonna kill that guy.” He said angrily as he marched over towards them.

Willow and Tara quickly followed him, eager to stop Xander from doing something he’d regret.

“Get your hands off of my fiancée!” Xander shouted, yanking Joshua by the arm.

“Xander stop! It’s not what it looks like.” Anya protested.

“He didn’t just kiss you?” He spat angrily.

“Okay, so it is what it looks like. But I can explain.” Anya said desperately, knowing she really couldn’t explain.

“Calm down, Xander.” Willow said, tugging on his arm.

Just then, Buffy and Spike noticed the melee at the bar.

“What’s going on there?” Spike asked.

“Oh crap. It’s that guy from the magic store.” Buffy muttered noticing Joshua.

“What?”

“We should get over there. There could be trouble.” She said taking his hand and leading him over to the bar.

Xander whirled around and looked at Willow.

“Calm down? This guy was kissing Anya and I’m supposed to calm down?” Xander shouted angrily.

“I’m sorry Xander. It was an accident.” Anya said sadly.

“An accident? His lips accidentally crashed into your face?”

“Look man, maybe you just aren’t giving her what she needs? Why else would she be sitting here with me?” Joshua smirked satisfactorily.

“That’s it. I’m gonna kill you!” Xander said attempting to throw a punch, but Willow grabbed his arm.

“Don’t. You’ll regret it.”

“Yeah Xander, he’s not worth it.” Buffy chimed in as she joined them.

“Are all of you insane?” Xander said irritated. Then he turned to Anya. “What’s going on? Do you not love me anymore?” He asked her.

“Xander, of course I do. I-I don’t know why I let him kiss me. I guess I’m just nervous.” She said sadly.

“Nervous? About what?”

“About getting married. What if we aren’t right for each other? Maybe I just wanted to see what it would be like with someone else.” She admitted shamefully.

Xander felt as if she ripped his heart out and stomped on it. He pushed away his hurt and focused on the anger.

“Fine. Maybe I’ll do the same thing. Maybe I’ll kiss someone else too. See how you like it.” He said angrily, looking around the room for a suitable girl to kiss.

His eyes focused on Tara standing to the side trying to avoid the whole situation. He smiled and marched over to her. He grabbed her into his arms and kissed her full on the mouth.

Tara let out a feeble squeak as she was startled beyond words. Willow’s eyes went wide and her mouth fell open from shock, as did everyone else’s. Spike started chuckling and Buffy smacked his arm.

Xander pulled away and looked at Anya satisfied with himself. Tara only stood there with her mouth slightly open and a lusty look in her eyes. She’d never been kissed quite like that before. She was tingling all over, and not just from shock.

“There. I feel better now.” He said bitterly as he walked out of the bar leaving everyone in stunned silence.

Anya started to cry and ran off. Willow looked at Tara who hadn’t yet recovered from Xander’s powerful liplock.

“Okay. This night keeps getting weirder.” Willow muttered.

Buffy turned to Spike.

“You should go after Xander.” She told him.

“What? Why me? He hates me.” He protested.

“But you’re the only guy here. I think he needs a man to talk to.” She explained.

“But I don’t like him.” Spike groaning.

“Go. For me?” She added with a small smile.

“But I thought we were gonna go to your place and, well, you know?” He said with a knowing grin.

“We will. Later.” She assured him as she shoved him off towards the door.

He reluctantly walked away. He was so in awe of this entire evening that he couldn’t think straight. Buffy and he were together. She loved him. Everything was right with the world. And Xander had to muck it up with his problems. Spike sighed and hoped he could find him quickly and get back to Buffy.

He was so ready to shag her until she couldn’t see straight, he was afraid he’d burst. He wished he didn’t feel the need to be all noble. He could just tell her he couldn’t find Xander, and then go rip her clothes off. He sighed again. She’d be pissed if she found out, and he wanted to make sure he had more than one chance at sleeping with her. He set off to find Xander with another annoyed sigh.

Buffy turned to Willow and Tara.

“I’ll go find Anya.” Then she turned to Joshua. “And you. Get lost.” She said angrily.

He smirked and got up from the bar. He walked out to the dance floor and disappeared into the crowd.

Willow looked at Tara who still hadn’t said a word.

“Are you okay?” Willow asked.

“What?” Tara asked absently.

“Are you okay?” Willow repeated.

“Um, yeah. Totally. Just a little, thrown is all.” Tara said nervously.

“I can’t believe he kissed you.” Willow said shaking her head.

“I know. I mean, wow.” Tara said in a far away voice.

Willow looked at her curiously.

“Wow, as in ‘wow, that was icky’ or ‘wow, that was good’?” Willow asked nervously.

Tara shook her head and laughed a little too loudly.

“Of course it was icky. I-I mean, it was Xander. W-we aren’t supposed to kiss.” She said quickly.

Willow’s expression fell.

“You liked it, didn’t you?” She asked softly.

Tara bit her lip and looked down at her feet.

“Maybe just a little.” She admitted shamefully.

Willow sighed.

“He is a good kisser, isn’t he?” She asked with a small smile.

Tara let out a sigh of relief.

“Yes. My god. Now I know why you used to be in love with him.” She admitted.

“Yeah. Used to, being the operative words. I don’t have to be jealous or anything do I?” Willow asked her.

“Of course not. I mean, hello? Lesbian.” Tara said with a comforting smile.

Willow kissed her forehead.

“Why don’t we go home and see if I can make you forget all about Xander and his magical lips.” Willow whispered into her ear suggestively.

“I prefer your magical lips anyway.” Tara said with a smile.

They grabbed each others hands and headed out of the club quickly.

Buffy found Anya crying in the ladies room. She went over and joined her on the couch that was in corner of the room.

“Anya? Are you okay?” She asked.

“No. I made a huge mistake. Now Xander hates me. I was so stupid.” She cried.

“Do you love him?”

“Xander? Yes. I love him more than anything in the world. I just got scared. And Joshua was so sweet and did I mention rich?” Anya said looking up at her.

“Well just because Xander isn’t rich shouldn’t make a difference. If you love him, you better fix this.” Buffy told her patting her on the back.

“But how? He probably won’t ever speak to me again.” Anya whined as she buried her head in Buffy’s shoulder.

“Find him. Don’t make the same mistake I almost made. Spike and I were both so stubborn that we almost lost the only chance we had to be together.” Buffy explained.

“Yeah?” Anya asked hopefully.

“Yeah. If you love Xander, and I think you do, fight for him. Let him know that you love him.” Buffy assured her.

“Okay. Thanks Buffy.” Anya said sincerely. “Oh, and you and Spike? I think it’s nice.” She added with a smile.

“You do?”

“Yes. I mean, you seem to make each other happy. I think someone should be happy.” She said with a small smile.

“You’ll be happy again too. Just find him.” Buffy said, standing up and heading out.

She hoped that Spike had found Xander and would meet her at her house soon. She was anxious to release years of pent up sexual tension. She had been waiting a long time to be with him. Longer than she cared to admit. It was way past time to let it all out.

Spike wandered through the park. He had no idea where Xander would have gone. He figured he should just give up and go. Then he saw him sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. Spike sighed and walked up to him.

“Thought I’d find you here.” Spike said casually.

Xander looked up at him.

“You did?”

“Well, no. Not really. I’ve been wandering this bloody town for an hour looking for you.” Spike said irritated.

“Why?”

“Because. Buffy told me to.” Spike shrugged.

“Pussy whipped much?” Xander asked sarcastically.

Spike smirked at him and sighed.

“Yup. And thanks to you, I haven’t even gotten any yet.”

“Are you trying to give me a reason to kill you?” Xander asked, rolling his eyes.

“Look, she sent me after you cause she said you needed a guy to talk to.” Spike shrugged.

“Well, did you bring one with you?” Xander asked sarcastically.

“Very funny, mate. Look, it’s not like I want to be here. I could care less if you marry Anya or not. In fact, I’d rather be naked with Buffy right now.” Spike said honestly.

“Okay, shut up now before I have to rip your tongue out.” Xander said cringing.

“Point is, Buffy wanted me to talk some sense into you, so I’m here. Are you feeling all clear headed yet, cause I’d really like to get on with my evening.” Spike asked impatiently.

“Boy, you sure are good at giving advice.” Xander said sarcastically.

“Look, I’m not a bloody therapist. If you wanna talk, let’s talk. If not, then I’m leaving.” Spike said rolling his eyes.

Xander looked at him and sighed. He did want to talk, just not to Spike. But he was the only one around so he gave in.

“I just can’t believe she’s having second thoughts.” He admitted finally.

“Well, aren’t you?”

“What? No.” Xander protested.

“You’re not the least bit nervous about getting married? Pledging to spend the rest of your miserable little life with one person?” Spike asked.

“My life isn’t miserable.” Xander protested, then sighed. “Okay, maybe right now it’s miserable, but it wasn’t before. And maybe I am a little nervous. But I didn’t go out and throw myself at someone else like she did.”

“People do stupid things when they’re in love. Take me for example.” Spike said with a smile.

“I’d rather not think of you at all. Do you have any idea how much it hurt me to see her with that jerk?” Xander asked desperately.

“Sure I do. I caught Drusilla making out with a Chaos Demon right in front of me.” Spike said remembering the cringeworthy scene.

“It sucks, doesn’t it? What did you do?” Xander asked.

“Well, I got right pissed about it. Then I demanded to know what the hell she was doing. Then she dumped me.” Spike shrugged, knowing it wasn’t really a comforting story.

“Great pep talk. So, you think Anya’s gonna dump me?”

“Nah. She loves you too much. You just have to make things right again. Don’t get all puffed up and macho though. I don’t think girls go for the whole demanding that you love them bit. I’ve tried.” Spike said helpfully.

“Thanks for the tip.” Xander said sarcastically. “I don’t want to demand that she love me, I just want her to do it willingly.”

“Go talk to her. Work it out. You’ll feel better.” Spike said patting him on the back awkwardly. Then he sighed. “So, are we done now? Can I go?” He asked.

“I should keep you here all night. It’d be worth it to keep your undead hands off of Buffy.” Xander said raising his eyebrow, still disgusted with the idea of the two of them together.

“You couldn’t keep my hands off of Buffy unless you cut them off.” Spike said with a smirk.

“Don’t tempt me.” Xander said with a smirk of his own.

“Look. It’ll all work out.” Spike said attempting to be nice again.

“Thanks.” Xander said sincerely. He was surprised that he actually felt a little better after to talking to him.

“No problem. If you ever need to talk again…” Spike shrugged uncomfortably.

“I’ll be sure to find someone else to talk to.” Xander added with a joking smile.

“Good. That’s what I was gonna say.” Spike said quickly.

Spike turned and walked off, heading anxiously for Buffy’s house. Years of waiting were finally about to come to an end. He thought he may pass out from anticipation. He just hoped she was already there waiting for him.

Buffy sat in her living room waiting for Spike to show. Thankfully, as luck would have it, Dawn was at a friends house tonight. Buffy figured it must be fate or something. She kept looking at the clock on the wall and getting more nervous.

She was ready for this, right? She loved him, he loved her. There was no bad there. Still, it was Spike. There was the whole vampire/Slayer issue that hadn’t changed. She tried to push that thought out of her head and just concentrate on his face in her mind.

His deep blue eyes that looked at her with such love. She hated that they’d even wasted this much time not being together. And for nothing. They’d both been so afraid of getting hurt, that in turn they were both miserable. Tonight, all of that changed.

She heard the knock on the door and suddenly her heart leapt into her throat. Oh my god, this is it… She said to herself. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Anya stood there with tears in her eyes.

“I couldn’t find Xander. He wasn’t at home.” She cried, as she pushed past Buffy and walked into the living room.

Buffy groaned and cursed under her breath.

“Damnit Anya, not now.” She muttered.

“What am I going to do? What if he never comes home? This is all my fault.” Anya said, throwing herself into Buffy’s arms.

Buffy patted her on the back and sighed.

“There, there, Anya. I’m sure he’ll come home. Spike went to talk to him.” Buffy reassured her.

“Spike? But Xander hates Spike. He won’t listen to him.” Anya said tearfully.

“I know, but I’m sure at the very least, Spike will send him home. He’d better anyway.” Buffy added under her breath.

“What if I can’t fix this?” Anya said unhappily.

Buffy started to say something and then the doorbell rang.

“Hang on.” Buffy said, going to the door.

She opened it and Spike immediately grabbed her and kissed her forcefully, pinning her up against the door.

“I can’t wait to get your clothes off.” He said excitedly.

Buffy smiled at him and jerked her head to the side, indicating a crying Anya staring at them. He let go of her.

“Oh. You’re here.” He said irritated. Then he turned to Buffy. “What’s she doing here? I mean, I’m all for a little ménage a trois, but don’t you think our first time should be just between us?” He asked with a little smirk.

Buffy groaned.

“Shut up, Spike. You’re disgusting. She’s not here for a threesome. She can’t find Xander. Did you find him?” She asked anxiously.

“Yeah, I uh, talked some sense into him. You really should go home now. He’s probably waiting to make up with you.” Spike said to Anya quickly.

“You think so? I mean, does he forgive me?” She asked, wiping her eyes.

“Yeah. Sure. Now run along.” Spike said trying to shoo her out of the house.

“You’re not just trying to get rid of me so you can have sex?” Anya asked tearfully.

“Of course not.” Spike said pretending to be offended.

“Look Anya, just go home and wait for him. I’m sure he’ll be home soon. We’ll talk later.” Buffy said, ushering her out the door.

“Okay.” Anya said as she walked out the door. Then she turned again. “Are you sure he went home?” She asked.

Spike and Buffy both groaned loudly.

“Yes! Just go. Please?” Buffy said desperately.

“Fine. At least someone will be having sex tonight. I just wish it were me.” Anya said sadly, as she walked down the steps.

Buffy shut the door quickly and turned to Spike. He went over to her and took her into his arms. She nudged him away.

“What?” He asked hurt by her actions.

“A threesome?” She asked giving him a hard look.

“Oh, come on. I was kidding. I mean, unless you want to?” He added.

“Okay, not winning me over here.” She said rolling her eyes and walking away from him.

“Look Buffy. I’m not serious.” He said grabbing her shoulders and forcing her to look at him. “You know I only want you. I don’t want to share you with anyone. Especially before I even get a turn with you.”

“Really?” She asked hopefully.

“Of course. Since when do you ever take anything I say seriously?” He asked.

“When you said that you still loved me.” She said quietly.

“Well, I was serious about that part. I do. I never stopped. I’m just sorry that I acted like such a jerk. But that’s all behind us now. Let’s not talk about it. Let’s just stop talking altogether and go upstairs.” He said leaning over to kiss her softly.

“Okay.” She said looking at him with a sly smile.

She knew she was only stalling because she was nervous. But she wanted to stop being nervous and get on with the good stuff. She took his hand and led him up the stairs wordlessly.

He felt like he was being led straight to heaven. If anyone dared to try and interrupt them now, he might have to kill someone. He wanted this night to go on forever. He’d waited so long, he was afraid he’d be through before they even started. He tried to fix his mind on anything other than the way her ass looked swaying up the stairs in front of him.

She led him into her room and he closed the door behind them. She turned and looked at him. She smiled nervously.

“So, this is my room.” She said anxiously.

“Yes, Luv. I’ve been here before.” He smiled.

“Yeah, but not like this. Or for this reason.” She said looking away from him nervously.

“Are you scared?” He asked, noticing her demeanor.

She looked up at him and shook her head.

“No. I’m just waiting for you to kiss me.” She said with a smile.

“Well, wait no more.” He said moving over to her and taking her into his arms.

He covered her mouth with his hungry kisses. His tongue probed her mouth and she let out a stifled moan. It felt so good being with him, she honestly couldn’t remember why they had never done this before.

She roughly pulled his jacket off and tossed it aside. He looked at her with his eyes full of lust. Then he captured her mouth again. His hands ran down her body until he reached her breasts. He caressed them roughly through the material of her shirt, and she moaned into his mouth.

She pushed him away from her and he looked at her startled that she broke their connection. She gave him a devious smile and ripped her shirt over her head. He smiled appreciatively and ripped his own shirt over his head.

He kissed her again and let his hand trail down her back and unclasp her bra. He freed her breasts and kissed his way down her neck, running his tongue along the top of her chest, until his mouth reached her nipples. He gently licked around one, while his hand rubbed over the other.

She clutched his head to her chest and ran her fingers through his hair. She felt him suck one of her nipples into his mouth, and she cried out softly. He brought his lips back up to meet hers and crushed his body against hers roughly.

She grabbed his shoulders and whirled him around quickly. She tossed him backwards onto her bed. He looked up and saw the fire in her eyes as she climbed onto the bed with him. His pants felt so tight, it was almost painful. He was almost afraid if she touched him, he’d come.

She crawled across the bed seductively and sat up on her knees in front of him. She ran her fingers over her own naked breasts seductively and he bit his lip to keep from crying out at the sight of her touching herself.

Her hands then ran down to the top of her pants and she began unbuttoning them. She pushed them down and pulled them off. She now sat before him clad only in her black lace panties. He watched as she teased him by starting to take them off, then stopping. He was enjoying her little show immensely.

Finally, he could stand it no more and lunged for her. He flipped her around and pinned her to the bed.

“You’re taking an awfully long time with those panties, Luv.” He whispered, as he gently bit her earlobe.

“Why don’t you do it for me?” She said, kissing him softly.

He smiled and ran his hands down her body until he reached her only garment. He ran his hand over her mound and caressed it through the fabric. He then dipped his head down and kissed her stomach, before making his way down to the edge of her panties.

He looked up at her and saw that her eyes were closed in anticipation. He smiled and let out a playful growl. He bit down on the edge of the fabric. He pulled her panties down slowly with his teeth, letting his chin trail across her soft curls. When he was satisfied they were down far enough, he reached down and pulled them all the way off with his hands.

He then met her mouth once more in a bruising kiss. He whispered into her ear.

“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He told her.

“Oh Spike. I want you so bad.” She said, biting her lip.

“I’ve never wanted anything more than you.” He said trailing his kisses down her body once more.

He reached her burning core, and gently pushed her thighs apart. He could see how wet with desire she already was. He looked up at her longingly.

“Do you want this?” He asked, kissing her wetness softly.

The feel of his lips on her heat made her shudder.

“Yes.” She cried out, desperate for his touch.

He pushed her thighs further apart and buried his tongue inside of her. She couldn’t help but cry out sharply at the sensation. She felt his mouth exploring her most intimate places. His tongue ran over her sensitive nub and she could feel it throbbing against his mouth, begging to be touched.

She grabbed his hair and pressed him into her body. She had never felt so desperate for release before. He sensed her orgasm building already and wanted to be inside of her when she came. But the grip she had on his hair, was making it impossible to stop what he was doing. He gently sucked her into his mouth and felt her body start to shudder.

“Oh god…Oh, Spike.” She cried out as she began to spasm around him.

Her entire body was shaking and tingling. She was gasping for air. Finally, she released his hair and he made his way back up to her mouth. He kissed her gently and she opened her eyes to look at him.

“I love you.” He whispered softly.

“I love you too.” She said, reaching up and kissing him hungrily.

She still wasn’t satisfied. She might never be satisfied. She needed to taste him. Feel him inside of her. She grabbed his shoulders and reversed their positions again. She straddled him and began to undo his pants. She pulled the zipper down and freed him. He moaned when he felt her warm hand begin to stroke him.

She smiled at what she was doing to him and went to work removing his pants fully. She removed his shoes and yanked the pants off, throwing them aside. She straddled his knees and began to caress his length again. She looked at him seductively and bent her head down, to take him into her mouth.

He cried out when he felt her mouth engulf him. He could feel her tongue running over him as she sucked him. His eyes rolled back and he felt like he could come at any second. All he could think of was that his cock was in Buffy’s mouth. It was too good. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up to him.

“Not like that, Buffy. I need to come inside you.” He said hotly.

“Oh, Spike. I want you to.” She whispered as she kissed his ear.

He grabbed her arms and flipped her over onto her back again. He pushed her legs apart and readied himself for the bliss he knew he was about to enter. She looked at him expectantly, and he slid himself inside of her slowly.

They both moaned at the sensation and he began to thrust into her deep and hard.

“You are so wet. I’ve never felt anything so good.” He murmured into her ear as he continued pounding into her.

All she could manage to do was moan. She’d never felt anything this good before either, but she couldn’t find the words to tell him that. She could feel herself verging on the brink of another orgasm already.

He wanted to hold back, but he couldn’t. All the years he’d spent waiting for this moment were just too much. He cried out as his body shuddered with release.

“Buffy, oh, Buffy.” He said over and over as he came.

She followed right behind him, and her walls tightened around him. She cried out and dug her nails into his back. She was silently glad that no one was home to hear them. She couldn’t have been quiet about this if she tried.

He collapsed onto her and they both lay there too exhausted to move. He kissed her shoulder softly and rolled off of her. They both lay on the bed, side by side, staring at the ceiling. Neither one could believe what they had just done. Or how incredibly satisfying it felt to finally have release after waiting for so long. Finally Buffy broke the silence.

“Wow.” She said with a smile.

“Oh yeah.” He agreed.

“I mean, that was…” She said, in awe of the moment.

“Yeah, it was.” He smiled, knowing exactly what she meant without words.

She turned onto her side to face him. She traced her finger across his chest and smiled at him.

“Tell me again why we waited so long for this?” She asked with a grin.

“Don’t ask me. You’re the one who wouldn’t give in.” He teased her.

She shoved him playfully.

“I was ready to give in, and then you’re the one who said you were over me.” She said pointedly.

“Yeah, but that’s cause I thought you still hated me.” He said defensively.

“True.” She said thoughtfully. “We were both really stupid.” She laughed, kissing him gently.

“Yeah, we were. But nothing will ever come between us again.” He said pulling her close and holding her tight to his chest.

“Nope. Nothing.” She smiled happily. Then she looked up at him. “Promise me you’ll never leave me.”

“I’d never leave you.” He reassured her softly.

“Promise?” She asked.

“Promise.” He said kissing the top of her head.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As love stories often go, Spike and Buffy had never been happier. As the months went by, they spent just about every moment together. They were always surprised at just how much they couldn’t get enough of each other.

Even her friends didn’t make a fuss anymore about them. Xander and Anya had worked their differences out thanks to their help and the wedding was still on. It seemed that nothing in the world could possibly go wrong.

Spike should have known that line of thinking was bound to reach back and bite him on the ass. And that’s exactly what happened. He had been sitting in bar minding his own business when some loser began to bother him.

Buffy was having a girls night with Willow and Tara, so Spike was on his own. At least until later, when he’d planned to sneak into her room and join her in bed. But now, this creep was ruining his good mood.

“Find somewhere else to sit, you bloody pillock.” Spike said irritated at the drunken man.

He was threatening to beat Spike up if he didn’t move.

“But that was my seat. I was dancing and now I want it back.” The man slurred angrily.

He was obviously so drunk, he didn’t care if he was making a scene over a barstool.

“Piss off.” Spike said, shaking his head.

He was in no mood to argue with this asshole. He knew he should have just gotten up and moved, but then it would have been like giving in. Spike never gave in. The man grabbed Spike’s shoulders and yanked him off the barstool.

He reached back and punched Spike across the face. Spike felt his anger rising and wanted nothing more than to rip this guys throat out. He knew the chip would stop him, but the temptation was there.

He held his hands up to shield himself from the mans forceful blows.

“What is your fucking problem?” Spike shouted as he was being pummeled.

“You stole my seat.” The man hissed, as he continued to punch at Spike drunkenly.

A crowd had gathered around them and Spike knew he looked like a weak fool, letting this guy beat up on him. Finally, he just decided it would be worth the searing pain in his head, to save face in front of these strangers.

He reached back and struck a blow across the guys face, whirling him around, and onto the ground. One good punch was all it took for the guy to be knocked out cold. Spike straightened his jacket and waltzed away from the bar. He kicked the man, on his way out.

“Your seat is open now.” He said to the unconscious man.

Spike walked out of the bar, satisfied that he’d saved his reputation. It hadn’t even dawned on him that he had felt no pain during the fight, or when he kicked the man. Suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks.

“What the hell?” He asked himself, realization dawning on him.

He thought about running back into the bar, just to make sure the guy was human. But he shook his head and decided against it. He knew for a fact that he was human. He smelled it on him instantly.

“My chip is gone.” He muttered to himself.

He wasn’t sure whether to jump for joy or cry in despair. This bit of news wasn’t likely to go over big with Buffy.

“Damn! Buffy. What am I gonna do?” He said, as he clutched his head in desperation.

He’d been dreaming of this moment for years. He hated that chip and now he was finally free. He was free and he didn’t know what to do. His first instinct was to run right out and grab a fresh bite to eat. It had been ages since he’d had any fresh, human blood. Not since Dru had given him that dead girl to drink.

It was so tempting, but a little voice in the back of his mind stopped him. Buffy will kill me…Literally kill me if she finds out. He thought to himself. I can’t do it.

He loved her so much that he didn’t care about killing or drinking fresh blood anymore. It just wasn’t worth it to lose her. No, he wouldn’t do it. He would just pretend that nothing had changed. He’d be a good little vampire and Buffy would never have to know that his chip didn’t work anymore.

He ran his hands through his hair and sighed loudly.

“Why did this have to happen now?” He muttered unhappily.

Later, after spending the evening wrestling with his conscience for hours, he crept into Buffy’s darkened house. He knew that Dawn was asleep, and he didn’t want to wake her. He opened Buffy’s door slowly, and walked inside, shutting it quietly behind him.

She was asleep and he stood beside the bed looking down at her. She was so peaceful and beautiful. He never knew he could love someone as much as he loved her. He never wanted to lose her for any reason. Certainly not because of this stupid chip. He bent down and kissed the top of her head gently.

She began to stir and opened her eyes. He smiled down at her.

“Hey.” She said sleepily.

“Hey.” He said quietly, hoping she wouldn’t be able to sense that anything was different.

“Are you coming to bed, or are you just gonna stand there and stare at me like a freak?” She teased him.

“I love you Buffy. You believe that don’t you?” He said suddenly.

She sat up and looked at him concerned. He was acting a little weird.

“Of course I believe that. What’s wrong, Spike?” She asked him curiously.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I just want you to know that I love you. No matter what, I’ll always love you.” He said, sitting down next to her and stroking her hair gently.

“You sound like you’re dying or something. What’s going on?” She asked, becoming worried.

“I’m not dying. I’m already dead.” He said with a smile.

“Then why the dramatics?”

“I just felt like making it clear to you. That’s all. Come here.” He said, pulling her into his arms tightly.

She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was bothering him. The way he was holding her, felt so desperate. Like he was clinging on for dear life.

“Spike? Tell me what’s wrong.” She urged him.

He pulled back and kissed her hard. She struggled to breathe at the force of his kiss, and he pulled away. She looked at him breathlessly.

“I want to make love you.” He whispered to her, as he kissed her face gently.

He pulled her close to him again and they fell back onto the bed. He removed her nightgown slowly, kissing his way down her body. She knew something was wrong, but she pushed the thoughts away as his familiar hands caressed her body lovingly.

When he entered her, he cried out softly. It was a cry of passion, but also of fear. Fear that he may never get to be with her again if she knew what he was hiding from her. He made love to her slowly and deliberately, wanting to savor the feel of her heat surrounding him. Never wanting the moment to end.

Afterwards, they lay spent in each others arms. He laid his head down across her naked breasts and she stroked his hair softly.

“You’re mine.” He said softly.

“You know I am.” She responded quietly.

“Promise me nothing will ever change that.” He pleaded with her.

“I promise. Spike, tell me what happened tonight.” She urged him softly.

“Nothing. I’m just so afraid to lose you. I don’t ever want to lose you.” He whispered.

“You aren’t gonna lose me. You’re stuck with me.” She reassured him with a smile.

“That’s all I need to hear.” He said leaning up to kiss her.

They fell asleep as he clutched at her tightly. He was afraid that if he let her go, she’d slip away forever. He’d rather die than let that happen.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two weeks went by and Spike had tried to snap out of his strained mood. Buffy didn’t know about the chip and he’d been trying to keep from acting like a desperate idiot, so she wouldn’t be suspicious that anything had changed.

He still hadn’t done anything wrong either. He had been tempted a few times, but he restrained himself. Every time he even thought about biting someone, he saw her face in his mind. He could never do it. He tried to reason that if he only bit people who deserved it, it might be okay. But he knew that still wouldn’t work.

He had to just forget about it entirely or risk losing the only thing in his life that he truly loved. And it wasn’t just Buffy, it was Dawn too. If he lost Buffy, he would lose Dawn as well. They were his life now, and he couldn’t do anything to mess that up.

Tonight, he sat with Dawn in her living room watching TV. Buffy was out with her friends and Spike volunteered to stay with Dawn. He didn’t feel much like socializing, so he urged Buffy to go without him.

Dawn looked over at Spike who had seemed more quiet than usual. Normally he liked to make fun of everyone they saw on TV, but tonight he just sat and stared at the screen. She nudged him.

“What’s up with you? You seem crabby.” She said to him.

“I’m fine. I’ve just got some stuff on my mind, is all.” He shrugged.

“Like what? I mean, you could tell me. We’re friends, right?” She offered with a smile.

“It’s nothing to worry your pretty little head about, Sweet Bit.” He smiled weakly.

She sighed and leaned back into the couch. He got up and faced her.

“I’m gonna go out back and have a smoke. I’ll be right back.” He told her.

She watched him go and she knew that something was wrong. Buffy had told her that he was acting strange before, and now Dawn saw what she meant. Dawn hated seeing him like this, so she decided to go out back and see if she could make him talk.

She opened the back door and sat down next to him.

“Are you like, not in love with Buffy anymore?” She asked, wondering if he was having second thoughts about their relationship.

He turned to her sharply.

“Of course I’m still in love with her. Why would you say that?” He asked.

She shrugged.

“I don’t know. She said you’ve been acting weird and now you’re all quiet tonight. I just thought maybe you were tired of her. Of us.” She added quietly.

“Don’t ever think that. You girls are my life. My everything. You know that. I’d never tire of being with you.” He said seriously.

“Then what is it? Don’t say nothing, because I know that’s a lie.” She said crossing her arms and staring him down.

He looked at her and contemplated his options. He could flat out refuse to tell her, or he could lie, or he could just tell her the truth. She’d probably be okay. She was a lot more understanding than Buffy was. He saw her determined look and sighed.

“There is something bothering me.” He admitted.

“What?”

“If I tell you this, you have to promise me not to tell anyone. Especially not Buffy. She can never know about this.” He said seriously.

“Promise.” Dawn said, wondering what on earth could be so important.

He looked at her and took a deep un-needed breath.

“My chip doesn’t work anymore.” He admitted to her softly.

She looked at him and several emotions crossed her face. First, relief that it wasn’t something worse than that, and then sadness, knowing that he thought it meant Buffy would dump him. Or worse yet, kill him. She touched his arm.

“Is that it?”

He looked at her incredulously.

“What do you mean, ‘Is that it’? Isn’t that enough? Buffy won’t understand this.” He said desperately.

Dawn frowned and looked at him seriously.

“How long have you known?”

“A few weeks.”

“Have you, you know, killed anyone?” She asked nervously.

“No. I swear I haven’t. But I’ve wanted to.” He admitted shamefully.

“Well, that’s understandable. You’re still a vampire. But the point is, you haven’t done anything. That’s what counts.” She said encouragingly.

“But what if I slip?” He asked.

“You won’t. I mean, it’ll be hard maybe, but you won’t.” She said hopefully.

“I’ve wanted this chip out for so long. And now that it’s gone…I just don’t know what to do.” He said sadly.

Before Dawn could say anything, the sound of Buffy’s voice startled them.

“Your chip is gone?” She asked with tears in her eyes. She was standing at the open back door listening to their conversation.

He turned to face her sharply.

“Buffy.” He said shocked that she had been listening.

“Your chip is gone and you didn’t tell me?” She said angrily.

“I can explain.” He pleaded with her.

“Dawn, go in the house.” Buffy said firmly.

“But Buffy, it’s not that big of a deal.” Dawn protested.

“I said, go in the house.” Buffy said, wiping her eyes.

Dawn relented and walked into the house. Buffy turned and closed the door behind her. She turned to face Spike again.

“Buffy, I was going to tell you.” He lied.

“When? How long have you known? My god, what have you been doing?” She said disbelieving that this was happening.

“It’s been a few weeks. And I haven’t done anything. I swear.” He said desperately.

“A few weeks? My god.” She said with tears rolling down her face.

He reached out to touch her and she pulled away from him.

“Don’t.” She snapped at him angrily.

“Listen to me. Nothing has changed. It was just a stupid piece of metal. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means everything, Spike. It’s the only reason you’re not dust yet and you know it.” She said angrily.

“Is that the only reason? I thought you loved me?” He said feeling his own anger mounting.

“I do love you, but we both know that without that chip we would have killed each other a long time ago. How can you think it doesn’t make a difference?” She said sadly.

“But I don’t need it anymore. I’ve changed. And not because of the chip, but because of you. Can’t you see that?” He pleaded.

She looked away from him and shook her head.

“How can I trust you? You’re free now, Spike. You can go back to your evil ways. You don’t need to pretend that you’re good anymore.” She said bitterly.

“You think I’m pretending? You think this is an act or something?”

“I don’t know what it is.”

“How can you even say that? Buffy, I love you. You said nothing would ever come between us.” He pleaded with her.

“I know. But that was before.” She said softly as tears ran down her cheeks.

He moved over to her and wiped her tears away.

“Please, don’t shut me out. You have to trust me.” He said gently.

She looked at him and backed away.

“Please. Just leave now. I need to be alone.” She said, turning away from him.

“Don’t do this.”

“Please just go.” She cried out softly.

He wanted to grab her and shake her until she listened to him. But he held himself back. He turned and walked away from her reluctantly.

She slumped down onto the steps and held her head in her hands and cried. She had no idea what to do. She wanted to believe him, but what if he was lying? How could she chance that? How could she allow him into her life, knowing what he could be capable of? She never should have allowed herself to fall in love with him.

This sort of thing was inevitable. Her relationships were always doomed to fail because she picked the wrong person to love. But she just couldn’t stop it. She didn’t want to love him, but she did anyway. And because of that, she was dying inside.

Dawn had heard the shouting outside stop, and opened the door a crack to see what was going on. She saw Buffy alone on the steps and walked out to sit next to her.

“Where’s Spike?” Dawn asked softly.

“He’s gone.”

“For good?”

“I don’t know.” Buffy admitted quietly.

“Buffy, he hasn’t done anything wrong. He told me so.” Dawn urged her.

“And you believe him?”

“Yes. You don’t?” She asked incredulously.

“I don’t know what to believe. I mean, he didn’t even tell me that his chip wasn’t working. What else didn’t he tell me?” She asked desperately.

“He didn’t tell you because he was afraid you’d be mad, just like you are.”

“Dawn, I can’t do this. I can’t be with him anymore. I just can’t.” Buffy said as she broke down into sobs.

“Buffy, no. Don’t say that. You guys were happy. We were happy. Don’t ruin it.” Dawn pleaded, crying herself.

“It’s over. It has to be.” Buffy said with resolve.

She got up and went inside. Dawn sat outside and cried softly to herself. Sometimes she hated Buffy. They were sisters and she loved her, but sometimes it was hard to love someone so stubborn. And now, Buffy was threatening to drive away the only friend that Dawn had. She couldn’t let her do that.

Spike sat in his crypt crying silently. He hated how she could drive him to tears like this. He felt so foolish. Part of him just wanted to run out and kill someone, just to make himself feel better. She obviously thought that’s what he’d been doing, so he may as well just do it.

But then, another part of him was eager to prove her wrong. He wanted to show her that he could be good, without the chip. There had to be a way to make her understand.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next day, just as the sun went down, Buffy made her way to Spike’s crypt. She hadn’t slept nearly at all the night before. All she could think about was him and what she was going to do about this problem.

Part of her was saying to believe him. She wanted to believe that he could still be good, even without the chip. But deep down she knew that if something went wrong, she’d be endangering herself, Dawn, and everyone else. It was just too risky.

She pushed open his door softly, not having the energy to come crashing in like she used to. She let it close softly behind her and she walked into the darkened room. He was sitting in his chair, staring off into space when she approached him.

As she moved into his line of sight, he stood up startled to see her.

“Buffy. I’m so glad you came.” He said starting towards her.

“Stop.” She said, holding up her hand.

He stopped moving and stood in front of her with a look of dismay.

“Buffy, please, just listen to me.” He pleaded, realizing that she wasn’t there to make up with him.

“Spike, I’ve thought about this a lot. I didn’t even sleep last night. Just let me say what I need to say.” She said, trying to be strong.

“Go ahead.” He said softly, bracing himself for the worst.

“You need to leave town. Now.” She said firmly.

“What? Are you crazy? Why?” He said in shock.

“Because. I can’t do this. I can’t know that you’re out there every night, doing whatever it is you’re doing, and I’m doing nothing to stop you.” She said with tears falling down her face.

“But I haven’t done anything! Don’t you believe me?” He shouted at her desperately.

“Say I do believe you? Say you have been good? What happens next week? Or next month? Or a year from now? What happens when someone pisses you off? What if you just snap? What if I make you mad?” She choked out.

“You always make me mad! It doesn’t mean I’m going to kill you. It doesn’t mean I’m going to kill anyone. I’m not saying it’s easy to control these urges I have. I’m still a vampire. But you knew that from the beginning. You knew that this might happen.” He said angrily.

“I know. I guess I just preferred to think that the chip was there forever. I tried not to think about what would happen if it stopped working. But now it has, and I have to deal with it.”

“How? By running me out of town? Why don’t you just stake me? It would be a lot more humane.” He said bitterly.

She looked at him and her tears fell harder. It was so difficult for her to do this. She looked at her feet.

“I can’t. I can’t kill you. I never could before, and I really can’t now. That’s why you have to go. If you slip? If you kill someone? I still won’t be able to do it. And that would be denying my duty. I wouldn’t be a Slayer if I didn’t kill you. So you need to get out of my town. Whatever you do somewhere else, isn’t my business.” She explained, through strangled sobs.

He looked at her and felt his own tears falling. He didn’t even care if she saw them. He wanted her to see them. He wanted her to know exactly how much she was killing him, despite her protests to the contrary.

“So then, it’s alright if I go back to my killing ways, so long as you don’t know about it?” He said angrily.

“No. It’s not alright. But, what I don’t know, can’t hurt me.” She said, looking away from him.

He went over to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. He forced her to look at him. She gazed into his eyes, and felt the tears spilling over. He wanted to force her to see him. To see what she was throwing away.

“How can you throw away everything we have over something that isn’t even going to happen?” He asked her sadly.

“Because I have to.” She whispered.

He grasped her arms tighter and knew he was probably hurting her, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t let go of her.

“No. No. I won’t let you do this. I won’t.” He said, as he kissed her hard.

His lips and his tongue assaulted her mouth in desperation. At first, she struggled against him, but when his grip on her arms loosened, she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back frantically. She was just as desperate as he was to hold onto the dream a little longer. Finally, she pushed him away roughly.

“Stop! You’re making this harder.” She cried.

“Good. Don’t do it.”

“Please, just leave. Tonight. I don’t want to drag this out. Just go and don’t ever come back here.” She told him despairingly.

“No!” He shouted grabbing her arms again. His strong hands were digging into her flesh and she cried out softly.

“Let go. You’re hurting me.” She whimpered.

“You’re killing me.” He said, choking back tears, as he released her.

The look on his face, ripped her heart out. She wanted so badly to grab him and kiss him and never let him out of her sight. But she just couldn’t allow herself to think like that. She had to be strong. She had to do this. It was the right thing.

She looked up at him through her tears.

“I love you. I always will. But, it’s over. It has to be. I’m sorry.” She said, moving over to him and kissing him softly.

She pulled away and quickly turned around to leave. She had to get out of there before she changed her mind.

“I love you Buffy. I told you once that I would never leave you. I promised. Don’t make me a liar.” He called out to her.

She bit back her tears and turned to face him once more.

“Please, just go.” She said with silent tears falling own her face.

She turned around to leave again, and he called out after her.

“I’m never gonna stop loving you. Never.”

“I know.” She said softly never turning to look at him.

She couldn’t bear to see the torment on his face. Pain that she was causing. She opened the door slowly and let it close behind her for the last time.

As she disappeared, he slumped to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. He felt worse than he did when she had died. He felt like the whole world was exploding around him and he was helpless to stop it. She had just walked away, leaving him to a life of eternal torment.

He had promised her that he’d be there for her and Dawn until the end of the world. And apparently the world had just ended. At least that’s what it felt like. His world had just ended.

Finally he stood up and gathered his senses. He looked around the crypt that he had called home for many years now. Amazingly, there was very little he wanted to take with him.

Once he was gone, he didn’t plan on wanting anything around him that made him think of this place. He didn’t want anything to make him think of her. He cursed the day he ever crashed into this stupid town.

The moment that he arrived, his entire existence was turned on its ear. It was as if the first time he laid eyes on Buffy, the universe twisted and his life was forever altered. He’d lost everything because of her.

He’d lost Dru, he had lost his bite, his entire world had changed. He had nothing, and yet Buffy had given him something so precious and so wonderful. She had given him a fantasy that he never even would have dared to dream before. And now, cruelly, she stripped him bare once again. It never ceased to amaze him that such an innocent looking little girl, had the power to destroy him. Physically and emotionally.

She left him empty and drowning in despair. Despite all of the bitter feelings and the hatred swelling around in his heart, he knew he could never hurt her. He wanted to hate her, but he couldn’t. He meant what he said when he told her that he’d always love her. His love was forever and nothing could change that.

Buffy had walked home through a mist of tears and heartbreak. She didn’t even remember how she had gotten to her front door. She silently thanked whoever was looking out for her, that no vampires had crossed her path. She would have been too lost in despair to even fight back.

She walked inside slowly, and found Dawn sitting on the couch with tears in her eyes. She stood up to face Buffy.

“What did you do?” She asked hostilely.

“Dawnie, not now.” Buffy said sadly.

“What did you do to him? Is he dead?” Dawn asked bitterly.

“No. Of course not.”

“Then what?”

Buffy took a deep breath and wiped her eyes.

“I told him to leave town. Tonight. He can’t ever come back here.” Buffy said firmly.

Dawn exploded into tears of sadness and rage.

“No! How could you do that? I love him. He’s my best friend, and you just told him to leave? Without even saying goodbye?” Dawn said angrily.

“Dawn, it has to be this way. We can’t trust him.”

“Maybe you can’t, but I do. I trust him with my life. And so did you. Don’t you even remember?” Dawn shouted.

“That was before! Things have changed! Do you think this was easy for me?” Buffy screamed.

“I hate you! I wish you had just stayed dead!” Dawn yelled as she ran past her and out the door.

Buffy gasped at the harshness of her sisters words and fell to her knees, in tears. Her whole life was unraveling in front of her and she couldn’t stop it. She’d lost the man she loved, and now her sister was wishing death upon her. At this moment, she wished desperately that she had just stayed dead too.

Dawn ran the entire way to Spike’s crypt. She hoped against hope that she wouldn’t be too late. She had to see him. She couldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye. She got to his cemetery just in time to see him loading up a duffel bag onto his motorcycle, that he acquired from a demon he’d defeated.

He decided to leave his car behind. It held too many bad memories for him. It was time to start fresh, he told himself. Dawn saw him climb onto the bike and shouted after him, as she broke into a sprint.

“Spike! Stop!” She screamed.

He turned his head, and for an instant, he thought it was Buffy’s voice. He thought she had come to her senses. But his heart broke again, when he realized it was Dawn. He wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to say goodbye to her.

She caught up to him and grabbed him tightly, pulling him off the bike.

“Spike, please don’t go. Please. I need you.” Dawn cried into his jacket.

He felt tears falling down his face again, and he stroked her hair.

“I’m sorry, Niblet. I have to go.” He whispered into her hair.

“No! Buffy’s being a bitch. Don’t listen to her. You have to stay.” Dawn pleaded with him desperately.

“I can’t. I just can’t. She wants me to go and I have to.”

“Who cares what she says? She doesn’t make all the decisions.”

“Yes, she does. This is her town, she can do what she wants. I’d rather leave, than stick around so she can kill me. Or worse yet, go back to hating me again. You have to understand that I don’t want to go, but I have no choice.” He explained quietly.

She looked up at him desperately.

“Take me with you. I want to go with you.” She said hurriedly.

“I can’t. You know that.” He said regretfully.

“I can’t stay here alone.” She cried softly.

“You aren’t alone. You have a lot of people besides me that love you.”

“But you’re the one I want. I love you.” She said softly.

“I love you too. I always will. Promise me one thing.” He said holding her shoulders firmly.

“What?”

“Don’t ever forget me. When you’re sad, I want you to think about the fun we used to have. Like when I took you for a ride on this motorcycle? Think of that. And when you do, know that wherever I am, I’m thinking of it too.” He said with a strained smile.

She smiled through her tears and hugged him tightly again.

“I won’t ever forget. I promise.” She said, clutching onto him tightly.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. He tried to burn the memory of her scent into his mind. He would never forget either. Finally they pulled away from each other and he gave her a smile that belied the immense pain he was feeling.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He handed them to her.

“This is for you. They’re the keys to my DeSoto. I want you to have it. You’ll be driving soon, and I know you’ll take good care of it.” He said with a smile.

“You’re giving me your car?”

“Yeah. I don’t need it anymore. And whenever you drive it, you can think of me. I was gonna leave the keys in your mailbox along with this.” He said pulling two envelopes out of his pocket.

“What’s this?” She asked as he handed them over.

“I wasn’t sure I’d get to see you, so I wrote you a letter. The other one is for Buffy. Will you give it to her?” He asked softly.

“She doesn’t deserve a letter.” Dawn said bitterly.

“Just give it to her. Please?”

“Okay.” She said softly.

Spike took a deep breath and looked around at his cemetery for the last time. He turned to Dawn.

“I better get going. I need to travel at night, you know?” He said, forcing out a smile.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will you write to me sometimes?” She asked hopefully.

“Yeah. I will.” He said, knowing he never would. It would be too painful.

He got onto his motorcycle again, and started it up. Dawn stood back, clutching the keys and the envelopes he had handed her. He leaned over and kissed her cheek again. Then he started off, without looking back. He knew he could never look back.

Dawn watched him go, and she dissolved into tears once more. She knew she should get out of the cemetery, but at this moment, she didn’t really care if she was vampire bait or not. Nothing mattered anymore. Spike was gone.

She walked along towards his crypt and sniffled sadly, knowing she’d never get to hang out here anymore. She thought about going inside, but changed her mind. Instead, she walked into the parking lot and found his car. Her car. She went over and unlocked it.

She climbed inside and lay down on the front seat. She saw that he’d left his sun blanket lying on the floor and she picked it up and held it to her. It smelled musty and a little like burning wool. It was icky, but she didn’t care. It reminded her of him.

She wrapped it around her and decided to open her envelope. She held the paper with trembling hands and read it to herself.

Niblet,

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I suppose a letter will have to do. I had to leave. I know you’re gonna be upset, but it’s alright. I’ll be alright. I just want you to know that I love you. I never thought I could love someone the way I do you. You’re like a little sister to me, or maybe even a daughter. But more importantly, you were my friend. The only friend I’ve ever had. I won’t ever forget you. Take care of your sister for me, and try not to be too pissed off at her. She’s doing the best she can, and that’s all any of us can do. Take care of yourself, stay safe, and never forget me.

I’ll miss you…

Spike

PS: Enjoy the car. Try not to crash it.

She had to laugh slightly at his closing remarks. Even when he was in pain, he still tried to make her smile. She’d miss him so much. She wasn’t sure she could ever get over it.

She finally made her way home and walked into the house. She knew Buffy was probably worried about her, but she didn’t care. Buffy sat in the dark, on the floor of the living room, crying to herself.

She looked up when Dawn came in and felt relief that she was home.

“You’re back.” She said softly.

“He’s gone. So, I hope you’re happy now.” Dawn said harshly.

Buffy couldn’t say a word, she only stared at Dawn sadly. Dawn walked over and tossed her letter into her lap.

“He left this for you. You can read it, or burn it. Whatever. I’m going upstairs.” Dawn said devoid of emotion.

She turned and went upstairs leaving Buffy alone with her letter. She wiped away her tears and flipped the light on. She sat on the couch and tore the envelope open. She read the letter to herself.

Buffy,

I still wish you’d change your mind. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. And that includes putting you in the position of having to kill me. I thought you understood that? But I guess I was wrong. You always were a pain in the ass, like that. But it never stopped me from loving you so much that it choked me.

You changed my life, you know that? Before you came along, I thought I was happy. But I never really knew what happiness was until you taught me. Know that wherever I am, the only thing I’ll be thinking of, is you. And know that, when the day comes that someone finally puts me out of my misery, you will be the last thing I will think about. It will be your face that I see. It’s only fair, because with your banishment, you’re the one who truly killed me. But the funny thing is, no matter how dead I feel, or how angry I am that you’ve shut me out, I still love you. I can’t ever stop. I won’t. Remember that. Remember me.

Until the end of the world,

Spike

She held the letter and cried. Deep, heart wrenching sobs. She knew she made a mistake. She never should have made him leave. She should have trusted him, and worked it out. But it was too late. He was gone. And she knew that she’d never see him again.

Spike rode his motorcycle out of town. He saw the sign that informed him he was now leaving Sunnydale. He glared at it bitterly. He knew it would be the last time he’d ever set foot here.

He headed off towards an uncertain future and an uncertain destination. He knew that however far he went, it would never be far enough. He could travel a million miles, but it would never be home to him. Home was where the heart was. And his heart would be in Sunnydale eternally.

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