7 PLUNGERS
FEATURING: MARK AS DOUG
Sitting at kitchen table
This morning I came down my kitchen to find that my drain was clogged. Just suffice to
say the clog was this close to being a felany (holds fingers very close together)
So I headed down to the mall to buy a plunger.
Now, they say this country is going down hill, that the free enterprise spirit somehow went
out of us.
Well tell that to th kid that sold me this plunger. He was a great salesman, therefore a
great man. He didn’t do anything fancy. Just started out slow.
Came up to me and said, “Excuse me, are you buying this for a clogged drain or do you
have something more interesting in mind?”
I know it was a bad joke. But it was a plunger joke and that’s what I was in the market
for. I laughed, he made a sale. But he wasn’t done. Then he said,
“Sir, may I ask, how many washrooms to you have?”
I said, “I have two.”
He said. “Sir, you need a minimum of 7 plungers.”
(pauses)
I just looked at him. Far off I heard a dog bark. It was that vivid for me.
I said, “Okay lets hear your pitch”
As you can guess, it was a pretty good pitch. He said that if a man was living his life right,
he should be going through plungers like toothpicks! He said my plungers would be
witneses to all the events in my life. The good, the bad, marriages, birthdays, the divorces,
renewal. A whole new life revolving around secure plumbing.
He painted a picture
for me of my grateful and glowing wife standing giddy and midly aroused at her big bad
hunter husband coming home with 7 new plungers. He even told me how plungers
would help the relationship.
My son could be lubricated. That’s the word he used,
lubricated. Buy the gift of a plunger for that crummy basement apartment of his. I know
it was crap but that’s not the point. I mean here I was watching a guy, hard selling
another guy somethigng he could never possibly use.
It was glorious! THAT'S FREE ENTERPRISE! I just looked at him and said,
“Sell me you beautiful bastard, sell me!” I let him get me up to 6 plungers.
And then I said, “Come on give me a break, I’m just one guy.”
You know how he sold me the 7th? By giving me number 8 for free! Ahh..he was
good.
(looks at the plungers he spread out on the table)
8 PLUNGERS? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Still...
Hi. After the four years this show has been on the air, I’ve noticed myself and the other
guys have been getting a lot of letters. I thought that was a natural result from being on
TV for so long. So it was quite a surprise when I heard the other guys referring to their
mail as fan mail.
I decided to take a little peak to see what you guys were writing to them. So...
(pulls letters out of shirt pocket)
Here’s a sample.
Dear Dave. You’re so cutie putie, sexy wexy, lovey dovey, and you’re my fav. Keep up
the good work. Signed, Brenda, Erin, Cathy, Michelle, etc, etc.
Hey, not too bad for the ego. (laughs)
My mail goes something like this.
Dear Mark. I thought I was alone until I saw you on TV. Having no sex appeal must be
hard for you too. I was wondering...How do you live, how do you love? Please work your
answer into a monologue seeing how I don’t want to sign my real name...Thanks. PS
Please don’t kill yourself.
Well now, I’ve never contemplated suicide. But for all you people who have written me
these letters. If you’re worried you don’t have any sex appeal, then perhaps it’s time you
do what I did and unlock the secret of...
NUDITY!!!!!!
(takes off shirt)
That’s right. I found that by using the safe and natural method of nudity I was able to
change letters and taunts from “Do you have a pulse?” to
