BRUCE’S STOLEN FRONT WHEEL

(bike comes down from ceiling-front wheel is missing-Bruce walks in)
So why did you do it?
Are you some sort of JERK or something?
It was my front wheel.
What did you think? That I’d drive home and not notice it was stolen?
What are you then? Some sort of IDIOT, some sort of thief? What would you do with just my front wheel anyhow? What good would just one wheel be?
You HUMAN LOOSER!
Well, why didn’t you buy your own wheel if you wanted one so badly? That’s what I did!
Well, don’t you think I need that wheel? Well, what were you thinking?
JERK!

Announcer-That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the guy who stole his bike wheel

Well, you know it wasn’t his wheel! What did you think that he was coming back for the rest of his bike later?
Well, why didn’t you do something, say something.
You human piece of apathy! Why didn’t you say, ‘Hey that’s not your wheel! That could be Bruce McChulloch’s wheel, and we love him!’
Just sittin’ there, eatin’ brunch...
Well, didn’t you think I needed it? I DID!
Well...look at that (points to where wheel would be) Feast your eyes on that act of violence. Good work Einstein!
(turns to go and then turns back)
PUSS!!!!!

Announcer- That was Bruce McCulloch with an open letter to the people who watched while the guy stole his bike wheel

Fabio was on my flight that day. Of course it was a flight to LA. Fabio's here, Fabio's here. My God it's Fabio! And those were the guys. Everyone, everyone, everyone, knew who he was. I thought to myself, huh, it's a Fabio world.

It's a big, strong, blonde hair blowing in the wind, rose for the lady, 'Are you two sisters?' Fabio world!

Fabio's on board. He's eating a small package of salted peanuts. I wish he would eat me. And those were the guys.

It's a Fabio world, but you know what? It's alos a Brucio World!

(stands up, waves hands in the air. Music plays in the background)
I am Brucio! I fall asleep with the TV on. I hate rege music. I am Brucio. I eat speghetti for breakfast. I call my mom collect. She doesn't care. She know's I'm Brucio! I get drunk and cynical. Twice a year I get so drunk I piss the bed! But I don't care 'cause I'm Brucio!

(sits back down)
As we deplane, which is a fancy word for, get off the plane now, there was Fabio. I couldn't believe he was still there. I thought, somehow, he would have gotten there ahead of us. He was with a man with a sign that read "Fabio" I was with a man with a sign that said, "Taxi"

And as we were picking up our luggage, our eyes locked. And he gave me a look as if to say "I am Fabio. I stand before you strong, but inside I am "Fabio, merchant of self loathing." "I will be discarded one day, Bruce, in the bin with Rico Suwave and the good lookinng guy from Chips. Everytime I kiss a quivering girl's hand, I ask myself, Fabio, is this your last one? But, you are Brucio and always shall be!