A.N.D. - Through the Looking Glass

And living with Virginia was even more perfect than he’d dreamed it would be. Spending days walking with her, talking to her, staring at her beauty and sharing her laughter-the only thing better than those wonderful days together were their romantic, loving, sexy nights together, and then waking up next to her, with her delicious scent in his nose and on his skin to start all over again.

But now he was going to go mess it up with his cycles. Which was typical, he thought miserably; that’s what always messed everything up. The only time he’d been safe in the cycles was in his home village, and that was mostly because everybody else was going through them too. But no, he had to wander, he’d just had to explore. Sometimes he’d even find a place where he could fit in, for a little bit.

And then the full moon would rise.

He never knew what he’d done during the night until he saw the evidence. Evidence that usually meant blood and death and having to run. Wolf looked up, away from the window, and found himself staring through the skylight instead, where the compelling, dangerous, swelling, wicked moon was just starting to peek through.

He didn’t realize he was crying softly until Virginia came out of the kitchen.

She followed his gaze upwards, then sat beside him and put her head on his shoulder.

“How long do we have?” she asked.

“A week.” He kissed her cheek, then went back to the sight that would bring him ruin. “I don’t know what we’re going to do. You’re going to have to lock me up or something. Find something stronger than rope this time.”

Virginia took him by the hand and coaxed him away from the window. “First, you’re going to explain the cycle to me. How long does it last, what you need, that kind of a thing. And don’t tell me you need a rabbit to comfort you. You ate the one I gave you before, didn’t you?”

Well, yeah. It wasn’t like he was going to make a pet of it! Wolf shrugged.

“Tell me.”

He didn’t want to, but she had to know. “All day before the moon rises, my blood runs hotter and hotter-that’s what causes the fever. As dark falls, I start to cramp up; I’m trying to change, but I can’t because I’m not a full wolf. When the moon rises it eases for a while-the fever stays but the cramps go, and I’m full of energy, and my senses get so sharp and...”

“And you’re hungry for everything. I remember. You need a lot of meat.”

“Meat and more.”

“Meat and... me.”

He nodded, even though she still didn’t know all of it, would never know all of it. He wasn’t just hungry for the meat but the kill; the energy of the chase, the excitement of bringing down the prey, the taste of the hot life’s blood. If meat had been all he’d needed, that’s all he would have asked her to bring him.

“I can fight it, but I can’t win, just sort of... push off the worst for a while. Things get very hazy; I never remember much afterwards. It lasts all night and into the next day, sometimes almost until dusk, but I can be shocked out of it by mid-morning if something really big happens.”

“Like being accused of Sally Peep’s murder.”

“Yeah.” Like that. Like being clubbed to the ground as he frantically fought to get to his parents as they were tied to the stake. Like being dragged off to prison with a chain around his neck and a gag in his mouth like a dangerous wild animal.

Wolf shivered and pulled away from her embrace. How many times had he woken up in a strange field with blood on his hands, the coppery aftertaste in his mouth? He was an animal, a vicious nasty animal-no matter how he tried to hide it, he was just an animal, and now he was going to wreck everything like he always wrecked everything. He deserved to be locked up. Better to be chained than to hurt anyone here-to hurt Virginia!

Virginia made some soothing noise and reached to stroke his arm, saying some nonsense about getting him enough food and giving him medicine, she understood, it would be all right...

“It’s not going to be all right! Not if I’m free to hurt anyone.”

“Wolf, you wouldn’t hurt anyone. C’mon, even in the village, you didn’t go for Sally, you went for the shee...” Her voice trailed off as his temper flared and changed his eyes.

Wolf stared coldly at her, silent until he could smell her uncertainty-and underneath it, a little shiver of fear.

She wasn’t going to back off. Virginia promised herself that she wasn’t going to look away, wasn’t going to show weakness. They’d already been through a full moon together and survived, what was he afraid of?

And yet, the way he kept staring at her, perfectly quiet but obviously assessing her every move, was starting to frighten her. It didn’t help that his eyes had turned animal and unreadable.

Her fingernails bit into her palms as she tried to fight the tension, but she refused to break the stare down. She just knew that if she showed weakness now, even the slightest hint, then a part of him would never trust her again. And she refused to let that happen.

For a long moment they sat frozen, then, without blinking, his eyes shaded human again and he nodded. “I trust you with my life Virginia. But I don’t trust myself with yours. This month, we do it my way. Tomorrow we buy chains.”

“I want you to know that I only know about this place because it’s down the street from my hairdresser,” Virginia hissed in his ear. “I’ve never even walked in the door before.”

Wolf nodded, warily eyeing the discreet sign over the door. It said something about toys-but unlike FAO Schwartz, it had a blank front instead of windows full of wonders, and this was where Virginia had taken him to get shackles.

Only trolls equated fun and torture. He was not looking forward to going in there. But the thought of what he might do if he wasn’t restrained during the full moon was worse.

Wolf pushed the door open.

It was a troll shop. It was so trollish that Wolf found himself breathing deeply to try to track their rank stench. He didn’t smell it, but instinct still took over. Wolf grabbed Virginia’s shoulders, standing protectively over his mate as he scanned the area, noting all the exits and entrances, listing possible escape routes. When his eyes and nose told him there was no immediate danger he let go, but he still pushed ahead of her in case something popped out unexpectedly.

Wolf found himself miserably on edge. Many things looked bad and painful and not fun at all, like the wall of assorted whips that he went out of his way to avoid. Some things didn’t even make sense to him.

But what made him edgiest of all were the things that attracted him. He hated to think there was anything in here that was actually appealing, but there was. A female mannequin wore a black leather body suit, and for a brief moment he couldn’t resist imagining Virginia in it. It was an erotic vision, although he’d love it most of all if she dressed up in fleece sometime. But he doubted she’d be willing to do that, so he didn’t say anything. And there were books. Wow. They wrote books about everything here. And while he hated to admit it, he knew he was still pretty new at the whole sex thing. Not that it-or he-was bad, mind you, but if there were books that could make it be better... Huff, puff!

The half-formed thought cut off as they reached their destination. A frightening number of handcuffs, shackles, and other restraints were on display. Some of them looked silly, like the handcuffs with fur inside. He didn’t know why anyone would want furry handcuffs, and he didn’t want to know either. Some looked strong but forbidding; the same sorts of institutional restraints they’d used in the prison. They’d wrap him in chains every full moon and lob him back into his cell, to howl with futile frustration until it was all over. For the first couple of months they’d left him loose in his cell, but then they started burying him deep in the prison, out of sight of the sky to see if that made him less crazy. It didn’t-if anything, breaking his natural connection to the moon made the cycle even worse. He still hurt and hungered and flushed with fever, but there wasn’t even the beautiful moon to soothe him. And he lost track of time so deep in the darkness. Once the cycle caught everyone unaware because they’d left him in the cellars so long. After that they let him at least see a patch of the sky, but they chained him up.

It was awful, but being left free was worse. He still couldn’t control himself in the cycle, didn’t even know what the wolf did... but if that part of him misbehaved, the human side paid later. Extra work details, solitary confinement, missed meals, even whippings waited for him the moment the cycle ended. To tell the truth, he wasn’t sure what he was really afraid of now; hurting Virginia as the wolf, or being punished for the wolf’s sins.

“Looking for something special?”

Wolf jumped, almost yipping in surprise. He’d been so lost in reveries that he’d stopped paying attention to his surroundings. What if a troll had snuck up on them?

A deep sniff told him their new companion was human... but as he turned, he mentally amended that to “just barely.”

She was a troll toy. He’d heard of them, people who had been kidnapped young or snapped under the torment and actually started to think and act like trolls. She was covered in piercings and tattoos, and her hair was painted funny colors and spiked all over.

“Are you looking for something specific? Can I help?” she repeated.

Wolf shivered. What terrible thing had she done that her troll captors punished her by piercing her tongue? Twice!

Still, never let them see the fear. If she had become a human troll, then she’d want to make him afraid. Show no weakness; find hers and exploit it instead. He pulled himself up to his full height, towering over the unimpressed girl.

“We’re looking for good strong chains.”

“What kind of restraints? Ankle? Wrist? Other? Are they going to be weight-bearing, or just hold someone in place? Want something that won’t leave a mark on Monday morning, or don’t you care? Any other accessories you want them to match?” She looked totally bored, clicking the studs in her tongue across her teeth as she looked from him to Virginia. “Are they to fit you or her? Or do you need something that will adjust to both?”

“They’re... they’re for me,” Wolf was trying desperately to stay calm, act normally. But if he could, for once, wake up from the full moon without raw wrists-“Do you really have something that won’t leave marks?” he blurted.

She nodded, picking up a brightly colored pair of fabric cuffs. “These nylon restraints fit both wrist and ankle-the extra-strength velcro will hold against any kind of thrashing, but this wide webbing won’t cut, and the lining-see this?” She flipped it inside out to show him the softer side of kinkiness. “This won’t abrade the skin, no matter how hard you struggle.”

Virginia couldn’t quite believe that they were standing here discussing bondage gear like a new pair of high heels. All right, she wasn’t sure how you bought this stuff, but she’d always imagined creepy people who wanted to make you test it in the store with them or something. How could Wolf be so calm about this all?

The salesgirl caught her nerves and turned away from Wolf, who was playing with the velcro like he’d never seen it before. Okay, he probably hadn’t.

“You’re new at this, aren’t you?”

Ooops. “No, he’s been tied up lots of times.” That was close enough to the truth.

“I didn’t ask about him, I asked about you. Hey, bondage is a serious thing. There are groups and stuff that can teach you how to be safe.”

“I’m not getting into anything really kinky!” Virginia defended herself.

The salesgirl shook her head, sighing. “Every newbie thinks that being tied up is no big deal. But it is. I’ve got some flyers, and there is some good information in the “Sex Tricks” books. We’ve got the whole line.”

“The WHAT?!” Wolf perked up. Oh, God, no, now he’s going to want to read...

“Where are they?” Wolf asked.

They had so much fun playing with the books that they managed to forget the handcuffs for a day or two. When Wolf finally showed up with the cuffs dangling from his hands, Virginia just raised an eyebrow and said “Let me go get one of your books. I marked something those would be... perfect... for...”

His mournful expression silenced her.

“I want you to tie me up. Now.”

“But the moon...”

“Isn’t full for another two days. Time enough to go back and get something else if these don’t hold me.”

“How were you planning on testing them?”

He shrugged. “Put them on. Struggle. See if they slip.”

Privately, Virginia doubted that would be enough. After all, he’d been securely wrapped in that rope back in Little Lamb Village, for all the good it did. But she had her own plans for testing his restraints, both personal and purchased.

After some discussion, they decided to secure him in the living room. It was a large, open room, but it had the skylight where he could watch the moon and several support pillars that he could just get his arms around. Wolf put his back to a pillar and let Virginia wrap the nylon cuffs around his wrists.

He strained and grunted, trying to pull free, but the velcro held. Virginia watched him for a bit, enjoying the view of muscles moving under his T-shirt. The combination of danger and helplessness was incredibly sexy. There he was, strong, predatory, flexing-and yet simultaneously helpless. Handless. Defenseless. Unable to protect himself from oh, someone who’d been reading some interesting passages in those books and had a wicked inclination to know if the cuffs would hold up to a serious stress test.

After a couple more lunges Wolf stopped, panting with exertion, and nodded to himself. “I think these will work. Let me out, please?”

Oh no. Not yet. “Do you think you tested them enough?” Virginia asked as she stepped behind the pillar.

Muscles rippled as he shrugged his twisted shoulders. “As much as I can.”

“I have an idea.”

If she thought he went ballistic when she left him tied up, that was nothing compared to the ruckus when he smelled bacon starting to cook.

Wolf exhausted himself so much with the cuff-testing (and the huge platter of bacon he ate as soon as he was freed) that he fell deeply asleep. Tempting as it was to join him, Virginia decided to use the opportunity to sneak out and do some grocery shopping.

Wolf was settling into city life much better than she’d expected, but somehow she still didn’t trust him with the sight of a deli meat counter. So far she’d been able to manage by getting him interested in the TV or waiting until he was napping and then going out, or giving the Murrays a shopping list. (Mostly she shopped via MurrayMart-they didn’t make her pay them back.)

But Virginia liked her little dawn market raids for another reason, one she tried not to think about too much. She loved Wolf. Adored him. Wanted to spend the rest of her life with him... but not every single second of that life. Wolf hated being separated from her, and sometimes the only time she had to herself was in the bathroom or making a stealth provisions run.

Fortunately Wolf was easy to feed, once she’d figured out his basic likes and dislikes. Meat of any kind was at the top of the list, of course. But he’d eat all forms of protein, including eggs, nuts, beans, and (once he got over the texture) tofu. He loved cheese and milk, although he had an odd preference for drinking his milk warm. And none of that skimmed stuff, thank you very much! He’d drink one or two percent without fussing, but poured the skim milk down the sink after one sip. He’d eat bread, rice, or potatoes without protest, but they weren’t his first choice; he obviously considered them just something to fill your stomach with when you couldn’t get enough of “the good stuff.” Occasionally he’d eat fruit, preferably over-ripe. (He had a fiendish sweet tooth.) Vegetables, on the other hand, were unthinkable.

Virginia was only gone for a little while; there was a grocery store just down the block and she only needed a few things. When she got back she could hear the shower running, so she put away Wolf’s milk and bacon, and settled down to snack on her treat to herself-her favorite fruit yogurt.

It must be the baby, but her appetite was becoming as big as Wolf’s, and he could pack down six pounds of meat and a gallon of milk in a day! When she finished one cup she launched right into another one, ignoring the sounds of the shower shutting off and Wolf padding around.

He stuck his head into the kitchen and smiled at her, but as she waved her spoon in greeting his expression changed.

“Virginia, no!” There was a blur as he lunged at her, and suddenly Virginia found herself watching her yogurt pour down the drain.

“What are you doing?” She grabbed at the cup, but it was too late. “Wolf, that’s my favorite-why?”

He reached to stroke her face consolingly, but she jerked away. “I’m sorry, but that cream has gone off. I could smell it.”

“IT WAS YOGURT, IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT!” Virginia found herself shrieking at him in pure frustration. How dare he, how dare he, she’d been enjoying herself and he had to come in and wreck it!

He looked totally confused. “Why would you want to eat something like that? It’s bad for the baby.”

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!” She felt tears rolling down her face as she screamed, and she wasn’t sure if she was crying from rage or sorrow or something else entirely. “I don’t need you to protect me!”

Wolf sighed heavily. “You used to.”

It was so surprising that Virginia choked on a sob and quieted down. “What?”

“You used to need me. I protected you in the Nine Kingdoms, I took good care of you! I rescued you, I broke the spell of the magic shoes, I cut off your cursed hair, I saved your life! Lots of times! And now it’s all ‘Wolf, don’t worry about that, I’ll take care of it.’ ‘Wolf, you don’t understand.’ ‘Wolf, let me.’ When do I get to take care of you again?”

“I... I don’t...”

He picked up the yogurt cup. “This wasn’t in the house before. You’ve been shopping without me. Again.” He threw it back into the sink so hard that the thin plastic split. “You don’t let me get food. You don’t trust me because I’m a wolf! Oh, no, don’t let the wolfie near the food, we know what they’re like!”

“No, no, it’s not like that at all, it’s just that I have the money,” she tried to soothe him, but it was the wrong thing to say.

“Why don’t you give me any money? You don’t let me handle money. Oh, yes, you buy me things I want, but you don’t give me any money, not any! I can’t get anything for you, I can’t reciprocate, I can’t provide!”

“In Kissingtown...”

His eyes flared yellow. “Kissingtown! Kissingtown! Will I pay for that for the rest of my life? When will you forgive me for wanting you and trying to please you? Do I have to give you my paycheck, too? Are you going to put me on an allowance? What?”

Arguing with him was breaking her heart. But all of a sudden Virginia realized what was happening. It wasn’t her that made him so angry, it couldn’t be! Her actions weren’t the problem at all, it wasn’t her fault! “It’s the moon making you say this, isn’t it? It’s your cycle.”

He sighed heavily, his eyes flicking back to look like a human’s; green, clear, and very sad. “No, Virginia. I’m saying it because it’s the truth.”