July 1
Of course, in the past month or so there have been so many things I’d never done before.
We were in Shakespeare & Co. (My favorite bookstore), and Wolf got me this sweet little green book to write in. I think he read something about keeping a journal In one of those weird self-help books he likes. He can be pretty weird himself, sometimes, when he gets on a roll, obsessing about something, which is pretty much always. I love him, how silly and wonderful he can be.
Anyway, I’ll try to write in this diary. He practically begged me to, and I agreed after making him promise to get a book, and write in it as well. Fair’s fair! Don’t know why he finds it so important. I’m really not a writer. Well, maybe someday the baby will find it amusing.
He hates the air conditioner but I told him I would puke all over him if he turned it off.. I think the technical aspect of it bothers him, but he won’t say if it’s that, or maybe the smell. He’s amazingly blase about all the stuff he’s never seen before, elevators, skyscrapers, cars, subways - well, okay, not subways - more on that another time... Takes it all in stride, for the most part. I suppose that if you’re raised with magic, electricity is pretty tame by comparison.
Ate crackers and felt better around noon and apologized to him for my bad mood. Then HE apologized for not being sensitive. He reminded me about his own little mood swings. We looked in the calendar. Full moon is on the 13th and 14th. I think he got a little depressed thinking about it - he got uncharacteristically quiet - so I nibbled on his ear
and made nice. And I got his nose out of that book. And then he was snuffling on my neck and unbuttoning my blouse, and I was giggling and gasping and he was licking me all over. Ooookay, just thinking about this is making me all horny again. I think I’ll go find Wolf...
Anyway, we were passing St. Patrick’s cathedral and it struck me that I’d never heard a word about religion n the Kingdoms, so I asked W. about it. He looked puzzled that there are other things to believe in than magic or witchcraft - I suppose believing in magic is a sort of religion. We were near Rockefeller Center and I took him into St. Pat’s and Wolf loved it - The inside is gothic and looked a lot like some of the castle-y places in the Kingdoms, so it made him feel right at home. There was a choir rehearsal going on - they let you come in, anyway - and when the choir and organ started, Wolf stopped dead in his tracks, and his mouth gaped open and he took a short little breath and said “Oh!” very softly.. It WAS awe-inspiring, and seeing him so moved really touched me, too. I am going to take him to a concert next week, across the Park. There’s a church that does concerts that Dad used to take me to. I guess we’ll find out what kind of music he likes. I hope
it’s not Barry Manilow.
Had the most wonderful time tonight. After a picnic dinner, Wolf and I walked all over the west side, saw tons of historical ships. We were touring a three-masted German schooner (I think that’s what it was) and Wolf charmed the sailor (female, of course) who was acting as our guide, and the next thing you know, she invited us to join some people to watch the fireworks from the ship. I didn’t realize they had fireworks in the Kingdoms, but W. reminded me he’d ordered them for after that dinner we had in Kissing Town (where I walked out on him and told him never to darken my doorway again!), but these were considerably more impressive than anything he’d ever seen. It was romantic sitting there in the dark, on the water, with Wolf leaning against me, saying “Oh, gosh!” and “Boy, that was a big one, all right!” from time to time in my ear. It is like I ‘ve been born all over again, into a new, more beautiful world, now that he is with me. And being able to see the world through his eyes is, well, it’s breathtaking. To think not very long ago I thought life was just something to get through.
I woke up then, all sweaty and hyperventilating, and I guess shaking so hard I woke him up. All I could do was hold onto him and shake. He kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t even talk for a while. It sounds like a stupid, silly dream, now, in the daytime, but it
was terrifying. How could I have dreamed I would hurt him?
Evidently he also wanted to go to the big mosque on 96th Street but didn’t have time.
When I asked him why he was doing this, he hemmed and hawed a bit, then admitted he thought maybe I wanted to have a religious wedding, and wondered if religion was something important to me. We sat down and I told him I wasn’t really raised going to church (much to my grandmother’s Episcopalian horror) but that I basically believed in God and in the Golden Rule. When he asked about it I told him what it was, and he nodded, and said “Well, that sounds important. Let’s do that.”
LATER
It was Wolf’s idea that I keep this journal.
I am going to try to write down my observations of life and my feelings. It feels weird. I never have done anything like this before.
Like go through a mirror to another place that really should not exist.
Like not being afraid for once. No, make that being afraid and surviving the feeling.
Like living apart from Dad.
Seeing my mother again. Losing my mother again. Being responsible for losing her.
Like falling in love. With a wolf.
With anyone.
Being pregnant
!!!!!
BABY!!!
July 2
Brutally hot day. Mostly just lay around most of the morning, feeling kinda nauseous. Morning sickness???.
W. thought eating would make me feel better, (duh!) which (of course) meant his favorite food group, bacon. Just made it to toilet in time when he said the word...
Wolf now reading a book he got yesterday at the store - Dr. Spock! !!! Before I met Wolf, I never really saw anyone DEVOUR a book before. Short of actually chewing the pages, he’s underlining, folding, dog-earing, ripping out important bits and generally destroying it as
he goes. He likes to quote it to me, suddenly, when I don’t hear him come up behind me, which has got to stop.
I can see it now - he’ll be on Oprah as the Furry Father of the Year.
July 3
Almost everything in NYC is closed today, even though the 4th isn’t until tomorrow. We went for a walk on 5th Avenue (still can’t believe we’re living in our old apartment - evidently the spell or whatever on Mr. Murray is a keeper).
July 4
Fourth of July and it’s still HOT out, but wasn’t sick this morning (YAY!)
July 5
Oh, God, had a horrible, horrible dream last night.
Dreamed that Wolf and I were together on a ship, like a cruise ship, and somehow we got separated and I searched through all the decks, and couldn’t find him. Then, in one of those dream-kind of changes, I was standing in the park, watching him cross Fifth Avenue, only it wasn’t really, it had a castle on the far side, and I yelled to him to watch out, but of course no sound came out, and then all this traffic came and a big bus was about to hit him, and I was driving the bus.
If something were to happen to Wolf --
I can’t even think it.
July 6
While I was out today (clothes shopping - I begged W. to let me go alone or I knew I’d never get anything done) evidently he spent the morning touring churches and other places people worship. He then gave me a synopsis of every place he went to, including:
St. Peter’s (too much modern glass but he met some nice parishioners),
St. Anthony’s (talked to a nun for half an hour to have her explain
confession. Learned incense makes him sneeze)
Temple Emanu-El (He likes the stained glass. Apparently now knows what a bar mitzvah is)
He completely undoes me when he gets serious!
I kissed him right on that little worry line he gets between his eyebrows and we decided to revisit the subject later. Meanwhile, I suggested he take it easy - five religious institutions in one day is obsessive, even for him. And I don’t think any of these places is ready yet for a wolf howling in the choir.
July 7
Decided to look for a job. I REALLY do not want to go back to the Grill but it’s a big tourist place and I make a lot of money in tips. On the other hand, maybe there’s something else I can do that is better than waiting tables. Of course, I never did finish college, so...I’ll talk to the manager at the Grill tomorrow. We can’t just act like tourists forever. At some point we have to have money to live here.
Well, I found out some of Wolf’s musical tastes by going through my tapes and CDs and Dad’s record collection. Anything produced after 1990 or so - no sale. Classical - mostly indifferent. Show tunes - he thought some of them were historical ballads and some were incomprehensible to him (me, too - please do not ask me why my dad owns “CATS”). Bizarrely enough he likes some of Dad’s classic rock (Cream, the Who - all that old stuff). He decided that Springsteen’s “Hungry Heart” was the story of his life before he met me. That made me get all weepy. We also played some jazz. That made him feel romantic. (Although, really, what DOESN’T make him feel that way?)
2:00 AM
Another bad dream. What is happening?
I don’t remember all of it but the bad stuff was that Wolf and I were trapped on opposite sides of a mirror. I could see him, and he could see me. He was howling and crying but I couldn’t hear him or get to him and I was pounding on the glass while he was being taken further and further away.
This time I got up and came in here so I wouldn’t wake him and I just cried and cried, and then decided to write it down while I remembered it. Why is my mind doing this? Everything is so good. Except these dreams.
Maybe I need to talk to someone. I guess I’ll go back to bed.
But I’m afraid to go to sleep.
July 9
Slept almost all day yesterday. When I woke up, W. was pacing like he would wear a hole in the floor. It was 3:00 pm and evidently he was afraid I wouldn’t wake up, like at Wendell’s coronation when my mother - after I had to
I assured him I was okay, I just hadn’t slept really well last night, but he was very worried and wanted me to see a doctor or go see Wendell’s people or something, but I really am fine, it’s just my mind playing some kind of trick. I’m sure I’ll be fine. And the baby’s fine, I know.
