DISCLAIMER: I don't own the rights to Blackadder. This is just a fun piece of fan fiction. Dedicated to Allie of the Blackadder Ladies Club.
BLACKADDER: She plays the cello?
PERCY: Yes, Edmund. She's breathtakingly beautiful! I can't get her out of my mind!
BLACKADDER: The poor girl must be suffocating trapped in such a tiny space.
PERCY: What, my lord?
BLACKADDER: Nothing, nothing. Percy, you're completely smitten with this young cellist.
PERCY: Smitten? More than that, Edmund. I'm in love!
BLACKADDER: Sounds serious. Have you even spoken to her? Had so much as even one conversation with this girl?
PERCY: No, my lord. I've been too afraid. What if she laughs in my face?
BLACKADDER: Now why would she do that? Other than for the obvious reasons? Do you even know her name?
PERCY: Allie. I've heard the other musicians call her by that name.
BLACKADDER: 'Allie'. Hmmm. Yes. Very nice. Well, Percy, what do you intend to do about your feelings toward the young beautiful Allie?
PERCY: I don't know, Edmund! I want so much to be with her, but I'm too afraid to approach her! She has so many suitors flocking around her. What chance do I have with her? Oh, I wish I could be more like you when it comes to women. You never seem to have a problem attracting a woman you want.
BLACKADDER: Yes. Well, some of us have that certain something.
SCENE: The Queen's Court. We see Queen Elizabeth I, Melchett, Nursie and a very beautiful young woman.
Blackadder enters the room.
BLACKADDER: You summoned me, Your Majesty?
ELIZABETH: Yes, Edmund. I have a very important task to give you.
BLACKADDER: I am at your service.
ELIZABETH: My young ward Lishie is in need of an escort to accompany her today as she visits the sites of London. Lishie, my dear, this is Lord Edmund Blackadder. You remember I spoke of him earlier. Edmund, this is my ward, Lishie, who is visiting from out of town.
The young woman smiles.
LISHIE: How do you do, Lord Blackadder. The queen has spoken very highly of you.
BLACKADDER: Has she? Well, that's good to know. It's a pleasure and an honour to meet you, Lishie.
ELIZABETH: Lishie, would you please wait in the hall for a moment?
LISHIE: Yes, your Majesty. Lishie curtsies and leaves the room.
ELIZABETH: Edmund, Lishie is your responsibility for now until further notice from me. Keep her safe from harm. And that means keep your hands off of her. She's a beautiful innocent young virgin, and she is to stay that way until the day of her wedding to Lord Windsor, her betrothed. Their wedding date is one week from today. If you take advantage of Lishie, I'll have your head chopped off with a very shiny ax.
Nursie laughs.
BLACKADDER: Your Majesty, if you're afraid I might soil your young ward, why entrust her to me? Why not have her stay with you here in the palace with all these guards to keep watch over her?
ELIZABETH: Because she wants to visit the sites of London. And Lord Melchett here thought it would be a good idea to appoint you as her escort.
BLACKADDER: Melchett. Ah, might have known.
Melchett smiles.
ELIZABETH: Oh, one more thing, Edmund. Lishie doesn't know yet that she is betrothed to Lord Windsor. Don't tell her. It's going to be a surprise.
BLACKADDER: A surprise? When will she be told?
ELIZABETH: The day of her wedding, you silly goose!
BLACKADDER: A surprise wedding?! You mean one week from today she'll be told, "Lishie, put on this wedding gown. You're getting married today to Lord Windsor. Yes, we know he's forty years your senior and most people can't stand him, but you're betrothed to him, so come along now. It's off to the chapel we go." How do you think she'll react?
ELIZABETH: That's the fun part, Edmund. She either obeys me like a good girl and marries Lord Windsor, or she disobeys me and I get to order the guards to chop off her head.
BLACKADDER: Your Majesty! She's your ward!
ELIZABETH: Run along now, Edmund. I'm getting bored. And remember what I said about keeping your hands off of her.
BLACKADDER: Yes, Your Majesty.
Blackadder leaves the room. He finds Lishie waiting for him in the hall. He offers his arm to Lishie. She slips her arm around his and they leave.
BLACKADDER: Allow me to give you a tour of London, my dear Lishie.
LISHIE: Thank you, Lord Blackadder.
BLACKADDER: Call me Edmund.
SCENE: Blackadder's home. We see Baldrick dusting furniture and smiling, for there is beautiful cello music playing. Blackadder is seated, his eyes closed and he is obviously enjoying the music. The camera pans over to where the music is playing. We see Lishie playing the cello. She finishes playing and stops.
BLACKADDER: That was beautiful, Lishie. You are a most talented cellist.
LISHIE: Thank you, Edmund.
BALDRICK: Beautifully done, Lishie. Just beautiful.
LISHIE: Thank you, Baldrick.
There is a knock at the door and then it opens. Lord Percy enters.
PERCY: I thought I heard music in here.
He is very surprised when he sees Lishie.
PERCY: Allie?!
Lishie looks at Percy, a puzzled expression on her face.
LISHIE: Have we met?
BLACKADDER: Lishie, this is Lord Percy. Percy, this is Lishie, the Queen's ward who has been entrusted into my care until her wed--, er, until further notice from Her Majesty.
LISHIE: How do you do, Lord Percy?
PERCY: Very well, thank you. It's a pleasure to meet you. Goodness, Lishie, you bear a striking resemblance to someone else I've seen play the cello. A musician named Allie who I've seen in the music hall downtown.
LISHIE: I'm Allie. Allie is my stage name. Well, actually, it's my real name. But most of my life my friends and family called me by my nickname 'Lishie'. So when I started playing the cello in front of an audience, I decided to use my real name 'Allie'.
PERCY: Which name would you prefer we use here? Allie or Lishie?
LISHIE: You can call me Allie. It sounds nice when you say it. (smiles coyly at Percy)
PERCY (beaming): Very well. Allie. So, Allie, will you be staying here in Edmund's home while in his care?
LISHIE: Yes. There's a lovely guestroom here that I'll be using. Edmund, thank you for your hospitality. I know I'm going to like it here.
BLACKADDER: It's my pleasure to have you, Lishie. I mean, it's my pleasure to have you stay here while the Queen has entrusted you in my care.
SCENE: Home of Lord Windsor. He is a grumpy, cantankerous man is his early sixties. Lord Melchett is visiting him.
MELCHETT: So, Windsor. Just think. In one week you'll be exchanging vows with your beautiful new young bride, the fair Lishie!
WINDSOR: Lishie. She's not still playing the cello in the town music hall, is she?
MELCHETT: I believe she still does. She's a very talented musician.
WINDSOR: Well, I'll put a stop to that once we're married. She's to spend all her time waiting on me, bearing my offspring, doing all the household chores and raising our children. I can't have a wife of mine frittering away valuable hours playing music.
MELCHETT: Uh, yes. Well, the Queen does look favorably upon her ward's musical talent. Lishie has often played the cello at Her Majesty's request.
WINDSOR: Hmmph! We'll see about that. Once Lishie is my wife, that cello is history. I'll either sell it or chop it for firewood. No, I'll have Lishie chop it for firewood, seeing's how my arthritis is acting up.
MELCHETT: Well, I must be going now. See you next week at your wedding.
SCENE: Blackadder's home. We see Blackadder and Melchett.
MELCHETT: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Blackadder. Is Lishie around?
BLACKADDER: She's in her room reading poetry. What's this about, Melchett?
MELCHETT: I know you and I have had our differences, but we need to set those aside for now and join forces for Lishie's sake. The poor girl has no idea what's in store for her.
BLACKADDER: The surprise wedding? Poor Lishie.
MELCHETT: Yes, but there's more. I spoke with Lord Windsor earlier today and he told me what he expects of Lishie once they are married. It's horrible!
BLACKADDER: How so?
Melchett tells Blackadder about the conversation he had with Windsor.
BLACKADDER: Good God! Music is in Lishie's blood! He can't be serious about her giving up playing the cello after they're married! And to either sell or chop up the cello for firewood?! We have to do something! Why is Lishie betrothed to that old Windsor anyway?
MELCHETT: Political reasons. Windsor agreed to leave all his property to the Crown in his will provided Her Majesty allows him to marry Lishie. He wants a very beautiful young innocent virgin to take as his bride.
BLACKADDER: No wonder the wedding's meant to be a surprise for Lishie. She'd surely flee the country if she knew she's being forced to marry Windsor. What shall we do?
MELCHETT: I was hoping you'd have some ideas.
BLACKADDER: So old Windsor's got his heart set on a beautiful young virgin.
MELCHETT: That's it! Blackadder, you could seduce her, then she wouldn't be a virgin anymore, and Windsor won't want to marry her!
BLACKADDER: Melchett, you were right there in the room with us when the queen told me that if I were to take advantage of Lishie, my head would be chopped off with a very shiny ax.
MELCHETT: Yes. And it'd be a very noble gesture on your part to make such a sacrifice to save Lishie from the fate of marrying Windsor.
BLACKADDER: Nice try, Melchett. No, we have to come up with a real plan to save the poor girl.
SCENE: The guestroom where Lishie is staying. She is lying in bed reading a book of poetry. There is a large window that leads to a balcony. The window is open to let in fresh air. There is the sound of someone climbing onto the balcony.
LISHIE (startled): Who's there?
PERCY: It is only I. Percy. Don't be alarmed, Allie. I apologize if I startled you.
LISHIE (jumps off the bed and runs to the window): Percy? To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? Is there any reason why you didn't use the front door?
PERCY: I came to see you. I didn't want Edmund to know because I was afraid he wouldn't let me in to visit.
LISHIE: What makes you think he wouldn't allow you to visit me? Come in, Percy.
PERCY (stepping into her room): You are entrusted into his care by the queen. He might be overly protective, seeing as how he knows of my feelings for you.
LISHIE: You have feelings for me? Percy, what kind of feelings?
PERCY (gets down on one knee, takes hold of Lishie's hands and gazes into her beautiful eyes): I love you, Allie. I've loved you from the moment I first saw you and heard you play the cello in that music hall. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Up until now I've been afraid to tell you, but I can't hide my feelings of love for you any longer. Even if you can't return those feelings, that's all right. Just know that I love you and would do anything to make you happy.
LISHIE: Percy, that is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'm touched.
PERCY: Oh, I'm so relieved! I was sure you'd laugh in my face.
Lishie smiles at him, then she moves closer to him and kisses him gently on the lips.
LISHIE: Why on earth would you think I'd laugh in your face, Percy? You're charming, sweet and adorable.
PERCY: Oh, Allie! You've made me so happy!
LISHIE: If you think you're happy now, just you wait and see what real happiness is like.
She leads him to the bed. They both climb in and start kissing and fondling each other. The scene fades.
Twenty minutes later there is a knock at the door of Lishie's room.
LISHIE (panicking): Who is it?!
BLACKADDER: It's Edmund. Lishie, may I come in? I need to speak with you about something important.
LISHIE: In a moment! I'm not dressed.
She motions for Percy to hide in the closet. He jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes off of the floor and hides in the closet.
Lishie quickly puts on her robe, then opens the door.
LISHIE: Sorry about that. I was taking a little nap.
BLACKADDER: Oh, my apologies for waking you.
LISHIE: That's all right. You said there was something important to discuss with me?
BLACKADDER: Yes, Lishie. Sit down, dear.
Lishie sits on the bed. Blackadder pulls up a chair and sits in it.
BLACKADDER: Lishie, do you know Lord Windsor?
LISHIE: No. I've heard his name mentioned, but I don't know him.
BLACKADDER: So you have no opinion formed about him then.
LISHIE: No. How could I?
BLACKADDER: Well, you're going to know him pretty well, if he and the queen have their way. You are betrothed to marry Lord Windsor next week.
LISHIE: What?! No! By whose order? The queen's?
BLACKADDER: I'm afraid so. Windsor promised to leave his property to the Crown if the queen gives you to him as his bride. Oh, Lishie. The thought of you marrying that old, cantankerous Lord Windsor makes me ill.
Blackadder finds he cannot take his eyes off of Lishie. He gets up from the chair and sits next to her on the bed.
BLACKADDER: You're such a beautiful young girl. You should be with someone much younger than Windsor who will treat you well. Someone who can appreciate your beauty. Someone who can truly pleasure you in the ways of love.
He puts his arms around her and kisses her on the lips.
LISHIE: Edmund! We mustn't!
BLACKADDER: You're right. Forgive me, Lishie. The queen would have my head if I were to take advantage of you. Thank you for stopping me. But just let me look at you. By God, you are so very beautiful. I could look at you for hours and never get enough of you.
LISHIE: Edmund, you're making me blush!
BLACKADDER: I'd better leave. We'll work on a plan to stop the wedding. Perhaps after a good night's sleep we can come up with an idea. Dinner will be ready in an hour. See you downstairs then?
LISHIE: Yes, Edmund. Thank you.
BLACKADDER (loudly): And Percy, will you be joining us for dinner, too?
PERCY (from the closet): Yes, my lord.
Lishie is mortified.
Blackadder opens the closet door. There is Percy undressed and holding his clothes in front of his body.
BLACKADDER: Percy, get out of that closet.
LISHIE: Edmund, how did you know?
BLACKADDER: He left his shoes near the bed. Lishie, I know your feet aren't that large.
Percy humbly steps out of the closet and quickly gets dressed.
BLACKADDER: Did you two engage in rumpy-pumpy?
PERCY: Yes, my lord. I was weak and couldn't resist her beauty.
LISHIE: Edmund, I can appreciate your concern, but I am twenty-one years old. This is between Percy and me.
Melchett stands in the doorway.
MELCHETT: May I have a moment of your time, everybody? I think I've found something that may help save Lishie from marrying Lord Windsor.
LISHIE: Lord Melchett!
MELCHETT: I was examining your cello downstairs, Lishie, and I noticed the inscription. Can you tell me about it?
Blackadder and Percy look puzzled.
LISHIE: Yes, of course. But how can the inscription on my cello save me from marrying Lord Windsor?
Scene fades.
SCENE: A week later in the queen's court. It is morning. A pair of armed guards bring Lishie before the queen.
ELIZABETH: Good morning, Lishie.
LISHIE: Good morning, Your Majesty.
ELIZABETH: You've been brought before me because today is a very special day for you.
LISHIE: It is?
ELIZABETH: Yes. Today you and Lord Windsor are to be married. Isn't that wonderful?
LISHIE: Lord Windsor? Your Majesty, I don't even know him. This is very sudden.
ELIZABETH: Lishie, you have a choice. Either marry Lord Windsor or be executed. Which will it be?
LISHIE: Since you put it that way, Your Majesty, then I will marry Lord Windsor.
ELIZABETH: Good, good! Nursie here has your wedding gown. She's spent all week working on it. Well, go on and put it on. Lord Windsor will be here in just a few minutes. Melchie! Where are you?
Lord Melchett enters the room. Lishie follows Nursie to another room to change into the wedding gown.
MELCHETT: Here I am, Your Majesty.
ELIZABETH: Good. Are you ready to perform the wedding cermony?
MELCHETT: Yes, Your Majesty.
Blackadder and Percy enter the room.
ELIZABETH: Ah, Edmund and Percy! Here to wish the couple a happy future?
BLACKADDER: Good morning, Your Majesty. We're here to see that all goes well.
ELIZABETH: Splendid! My guards are ready and standing by to make sure Lishie doesn't bolt. Ah, I see Lord Windsor approaching.
Windsor enters the room.
WINDSOR: Good morning, Your Majesty. Well? Where's my bride?
ELIZABETH: Here she comes. Isn't she beautiful in her gown?
Lishie dressed in the wedding gown enters the room. Nursie follows her. Nursie is smiling. Lishie looks like she's headed for her own execution.
ELIZABETH: Windsor, I've delivered your beautiful young virgin bride to you. Show me your will that leaves all your property to the Crown.
WINDSOR: Here it is. (hands her a document)
LISHIE: Excuse me, Your Majesty. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say 'virgin bride'?
ELIZABETH: Yes, my dear.
LISHIE: Well, then you can't be speaking about me. I'm not a virgin.
WINDSOR and ELIZABETH: What??!!
ELIZABETH (turning toward Blackadder): Edmund! Did you forget what I told you would happen if you took advantage of my ward? I'll have your head for this!
LISHIE: Your Majesty! Stop! It wasn't Edmund! He's been a perfect gentleman while I was in his care!
ELIZABETH: Then who? (looks at Percy who is avoiding eye contact with the queen) Percy?! Did you have your way with Lishie?!
LISHIE: Your Majesty! Stop! I haven't been a virgin since I was sixteen! That was five summers ago during my first visit here.
ELIZABETH: What?! Who was it? I demand to know!
LISHIE: Your Majesty always had guards to watch over me. Well, one of them kept watch over me all right. He watched over me while I undressed and while I bathed and while I went to bed. Next thing I knew he was all over me. He covered my body with his and claimed that was to protect me from any possible attackers. He kept touching me and telling me to be quiet because it was for my own good.
ELIZABETH: Lishie! You could have cried out for help! I would have had that guard executed right on the spot! How dare he soil you!
LISHIE: Your Majesty, you don't understand. I didn't cry out for help because I wasn't being taken against my will. I found him to be very attractive. I wanted him to take me. In fact, that day I asked him specifically to be my guard for that night. He was young, handsome and quite virile. He serviced me very well. Very well, indeed. I'll never forget him.
ELIZABETH: Who was he? I'll still have him executed.
LISHIE: Roland. Too bad he died in battle the following year.
WINDSOR: So you're not a virgin?! You shameless slut! That's it! The wedding is OFF!
ELIZABETH: Well, SOMEONE'S going to get his head chopped off! If not Roland, then who shall it be?
MELCHETT: Uh, Windsor, what was it you told me you'd do with Lishie's cello after the wedding?
WINDSOR: Confound it, Melchett! What does it matter? The wedding is off! The queen will have to find me someone else! A REAL virgin!
MELCHETT: Yes, yes, but please humour me. Refresh my memory. What did you say you'd do with Lishie's cello?
WINDSOR: I said that cello would be history! I'd either sell it, or chop it into firewood. Or even better, I'd have Lishie chop it into firewood, seeing's how my arthritis is acting up. There. Satisfied?
MELCHETT: Oh, yes. Very satisfied. Thank you, Windsor.
ELIZABETH (staring at Windsor): Chop Lishie's cello into firewood? The cello I personally gave to Lishie as a gift? The one-of-a-kind cello I had crafted by the finest craftsman who specializes in musical instruments? The one I had inscribed with a personal message from me? That cello?
WINDSOR (nervously): Uh, Your Majesty, I spoke in jest.
MELCHETT: Ah, now it comes back to me. Yes, you did say all that. And you sounded very sincere when you said it the first time.
ELIZABETH: Windsor, you sounded sincere when you said it just now here in front of me. Guards! Take Lord Windsor away! I believe I've found just the person whose head I'd like to have chopped off today.
WINDSOR: Nooo!!!!!
The guards take Windsor away.
Elizabeth smiles at the document in her hand.
ELIZABETH: I still get his property after all. It's all signed and legal! I love happy endings!
LISHIE: So do I.
Lishie smiles and takes Percy's hand. They walk out of the room together.
THE END
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