A tale of the Legion of Super-Vandals
The characters and representations of Superboy, the Legion of Super-Heroes and its members (however disguised), Master Mxyzptlk, and the varieties of kryptonite are trademarked and copyrighted by DC Comics. No infringement of those rights is intended.
This story is set in a parallel universe (Earth-whatever), where Superbody did not join the Legion of Super-Heroes. Instead, Lex Luthor founded a club made up of students at Smallville High with powers of their own. These students are:
Clark Kent: the Invisible Kid
Gary Crane: Ultra Boy
Marie Elkins: Duo Damsel
Phyllis Groves: Phantom Girl
Sharon Vaughn: Shrinking Violet
and the newest member, Pete Ross: Cosmic Boy! (see below)
And now, the story.
Chapter 1. Cosmic Boy Becomes a Vandal
One Friday after school in Smallville, Kansas, the five members of the Legion of Super Vandals jumped into the car belonging to Gary Crane and sped toward a rendezvous. Phyllis Groves was driving, since Gary's wrist had been broken by Superboy in their previous adventure.
She pulled off the road at the ruins of the laboratory built by Superboy for his friend Lex Luthor. It had been destroyed when Superboy, under the control of Vandal Savage, had attempted to kill the Super Vandals. Pete Ross, Clark Kent's lover and Super-Vandal wannabe, was waiting for them. He wore large aluminum cuffs around his wrists.
"Okay, Ross," Gary said, "Show us your stuff. And I don't mean the stuff you use on Clark."
"That's enough, Gary," Marie Elkins, leader of the group, said. "Okay, Pete, we’re here to watch you demonstrate the powers you’ve developed in hopes of becoming a member of the Legion of Super-Vandals."
Pete grinned and held up his arms to display the cuffs. "I call these my Cosmic Cuffs," he said proudly. "They enable me to harness the power of magnetism. With them I can attract ferrous metals, such as iron…" He gestured toward the ruins, and as the Super-Vandals watched strange pieces of the laboratory pushed their way out of the ruins and hurtled toward them. There was a broken desk chair, some wiring, two book-ends, some miscellaneous nails and screws and other building materials. When the mass was halfway to the Vandals, Pete said, "… or repel it." Reversing the polarity of the cuffs’ power, he sent the pieces of metal hurtling back toward the lab.
"Likewise, since human blood contains iron, I can attract or repel people." He aimed the cuffs at the Vandals. Marie Elkins, (aka Duo Damsel) and Phyllis Groves (Phantom Girl) found themselves being dragged in Pete’s direction, while Sharon Vaughn (Shrinking Violet) and Gary Crane (Ultra Boy) were pushed away. The fifth Vandal, Clark Kent (the Invisible Kid), was standing outside the cuffs’ area of effect, but he ran toward Pete anyway.
"I can’t help it," he said, as he grabbed Pete around the waist. "I’m just naturally attracted to you."
The other Vandals laughed. They had known for some time about the romance between Pete Ross and Clark Kent, although they did not know of Clark’s third secret identity, Superboy.
"But here’s the best part," Pete said. "Because there’s iron in my blood, and because the Earth contains trace elements of iron, I can do this." Stepping away from Clark, he concentrated, and as the others watched he slowly rose from the ground, and began flying in circles over their heads.
"I think we’ve seen enough," Marie said. "Let’s vote. Pete, turn your back on us, please. Okay, is there anyone who wants to blackball Pete?"
"I don’t know about blackballing," Gary said, "but I’ll bet Clark wants…"
"Gary!" Marie shouted. Then she said, "Show of hands. All in favor… okay, I guess we can skip the next part. Pete, turn around. Pete Ross, as leader of the Legion of Super-Vandals, it is my pleasure to welcome you to the Legion of Super-Vandals under the name Cosmic Boy!" She moved up and gave him a hug, followed by Sharon, Phyllis and finally Clark.
"I’ll pass on the hug," Gary said, "and I can’t shake hands with this wrist, but congratulations, Pete. As soon as you pass the initiation ritual, you’re an official Vandal."
Chapter 2. A Senseless Act of Vandalism,
"Initiation ritual?" Marie said. "There’s no initiation ritual."
"Oh, yes, there is, and every one of us passed it. Remember, you trashed the high school, Sharon messed up the telephone system, Clark switched the babies at the hospital, Phyllis defaced pictures at the museum, and I painted our name on the police station! Pete, if you want to be a Vandal, you have to vandalize something."
"That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard," Marie said. "I think we’re beyond that now."
"Well, I think we should be true to our roots. We’re not a Super-Hero club; our club was formed by Lex Luthor to show up Superboy."
"He’s right," Pete interrupted, sneaking a sly sidelong glance at Clark. "I want to be a real member of the group. And I know just what I want to do. Get in your car and follow me." He caught Clark by the arm and pulled him to his own car, and a moment later the caravan was on the road. He drove to the outskirts of Smallville, and pointed at the water tower standing in the middle of the field.
"Watch this!" he commanded. He raised both arms to point at the tower, and as the teen-agers watched the legs of the structure buckled and it crumpled to the earth with a mighty crash. "How was that for vandalism?" he asked.
"Super!" Gary said, slapping him on the back with his good hand. "Congratulations, Ross, you’re now one of us. But remember rule # 1: No having sex on the ready room sofa."
"Oh, yeah?" Clark said. "Does that mean you and Phyllis are going to stop?" The other Vandals looked at him with varying degrees of surprise. With a grin he added, "Phyllis isn’t the only one who can walk in unexpectedly on an intimate moment." He was referring to the time that Phyllis had ghosted through the walls of Pete’s workshop while Clark and Pete were getting down to business. He hadn’t actually walked in on Gary and Phyllis; thanks to super-hearing and x-ray vision he had become aware of their antics in the ready room and made noise to give them a chance to get dressed.
Phyllis turned bright red and glared at Gary; Gary turned bright red and glared at Clark. To soothe over the embarrassing moment, Sharon picked up a wooden sign from the ground and handed it to Pete. "Here," she said. "A souvenir of your first act of vandalism."
The sign read "Danger - Keep Away - Dangerous Structure - Condemned," and had been hanging on the fence outside the old water tower, which had been replaced by a newer, larger one closer to town.
Happily the six adventurers piled into their cars and returned to Smallville to celebrate the admittance of the first new Vandal since the club’s formation.
Chapter 3. Superboy to the Rescue
Christmas was near, and Smallville was getting ready for its annual Christmas party at the town hall. Ten teen-aged girls, and a couple of boys, were busy decorating. Sharon Vaughn and Marie Elkins sat beside each other at a table, busily stringing popcorn onto long cords to decorate the tree, while Lana Lang on a ladder was hanging garlands. A radio was playing snappy dance music, and the girls were gossiping. Then Lana suddenly screamed, "Oh, this is my favorite song," and jumped down from the ladder. It was the Big Bopper singing "Chantilly Lace", and Lana did a deep-voiced impression of "Oh, baby, you KNOW what ah Like!" The other girls laughed and cheered, while Lana did a rock-and-roll dance to the music.
Suddenly the song was cut off, and an announcer said, "We interrupt this program for a special bulletin. The nuclear submarine Sea Wasp, off the coast of Jamaica, has reported a severe engine failure and complete loss of motive power. The submarine is now lying in deep water, and the Navy is sending ships and equipment to attempt to rescue the crew. We will continue to bring you further bulletins as they develop." The music came back on, but the girls were too interested in the news to continue with their fun.
Meanwhile, at Kent’s General Store, Jonathan Kent hurried into the stockroom, where Clark Kent was opening boxes of canned goods. "Son, did you hear the news just now," Jonathan asked.
"Sorry, Dad, I was concentrating on stocking. What’s up?"
Kent repeated the news that he had just heard about the submarine, and Clark looked determined. "I’ll change to Superboy and head for Jamaica right away." A moment later the red-and-blue figure of the boy of steel was hurtling through a ceiling trap-door intended for that purpose.
"Drat that boy," Jonathan said. "He forgot to close the skylight again. Super-sons. What are you going to do?" He got a ladder, climbed up, and pulled the trap door shut.
Superboy made one quick stop before heading toward the Caribbean, so in the city hall a few minutes later the girls heard another bulletin. "This news just in. Police Chief Parker of Smallville, Kansas, has reported that Superboy has heard about the Sea Wasp disaster, and is on his way to the rescue." The girls began cheering, and quickly got back to work.
"I knew that Superboy would take care of things," Marie said sagely, and Sharon nodded.
Flying high above the ocean, Superboy used his x-ray and telescopic vision to search the sea floor until he found the crippled submarine. It was lying partially over an even deeper crevice, and appeared to be in imminent danger of falling in. Diving into the water, Superboy hurled himself against the rear of the submarine, pushing it back from the immediate problem. As he did so, he disturbed several rocks on the sea bed, including one that glowed greenly in the murky water. Then he swam to the side of the submarine, ready to lift it to the surface. But he found that his super-strength was deserting him, and a stabbing jolt of pain left him in no doubt that he had discovered a piece of green Kryptonite. Quickly he tried to swim away, but he crashed into a stalagmite on the ocean floor that broke and fell on him, trapping him too close to the green rock. Vainly he tried to move the stone pinnacle that held him on the ocean floor, but his efforts were fruitless.
Back in Smallville, the girls were cleaning up after their decorating party when the radio interrupted them one more time. "We have another bulletin," said the announcer, "and this one looks very serious. The Sea Wasp is reporting that Superboy is trapped on the ocean floor by a piece of green Kryptonite. The boy of steel is unable to move, and if help does not arrive for him soon, he will die."
Chapter 4. A Wild Hope
The roomful of girls (and some guys) stood silent around the radio, fear in all eyes. Then Marie spoke up. "Mon-El!" she said. "Superboy has a friend, Mon-El, who is as powerful as he is, but without the weakness to green Kryptonite. If only we could find him."
"Hopefully he already knows, and is on the way," Pete Ross said. "Why doesn’t everybody go home and keep tuned to the news. I’m sure Superboy will be all right."
"I wish there was some way the Super-Vandals could help," Marie said, "but none of us have the speed to get there in time… except for Gary, and he can only use one power at a time." Following Pete’s suggestion, the group broke up, and Marie and Sharon went over to Sharon’s house. Mrs. Vaughn was a seamstress, and was making a special party dress for Marie.
Meanwhile Pete hurried to the Kent house. On a camping trip years before, he had learned that Clark Kent was Superboy, and during their last adventure had found out that Mon-El was disguising himself as Clark’s cousin Bob Cobb, a door-to-door salesman. At the Kent house, Pete pounded on the door, and when Martha Kent, Clark’s foster-mother, opened it, he said breathlessly, "Is Bob Cobb around?"
"No," Martha said, and there was real pain in her voice. "He’s … out of town, and there’s no way I can reach him." Pete could see that she was pale, worried about her son, and guessed from that that Mon-El was probably on a space mission.
"Okay, thanks," he said, and hurried home. There he called Sharon’s house, and told Marie that he had discovered that Mon-El was unavailable, without giving any details. "Think," he said. "There’s got to be some way we can help Superboy."
Marie relayed the news to Sharon, and the two girls sat for a while in thought. At first it seemed completely hopeless, but then Sharon started up with a strange look on her face.
"There’s one chance," she said. She had the same dreamy look on her face that she had worn when she discovered the missing Amazons on Paradise Island. She rose to her feet and went to the calendar, where she counted off the days backward. Then she started for the back door, and Marie followed. Sharon walked out into the cold snowy morning, coatless, looked up toward the sky, and began to shout.
"Master Mxyzptlk! Master Mxyzptlk! Can you hear me! We need your help! Master Mxyzptlk!"
"Sharon, you nut," Marie said. "He can’t hear you. Anyway, why would he help Superboy? He’s one of his worst enemies."
"Superboy doesn’t like him," Sharon replied, "but Mixxy actually likes Superboy. That’s why he plays all those pranks on him. And it’s been over 90 days since he was here last, so he just might be watching." She resumed shouting for the fifth-dimensional imp.
"Sharon, stop it," Marie commanded. "You’re going to catch your death of cold. Come into the house. This won’t work!"
"It’s our only chance," Sharon replied, tears rolling down her cheeks. Marie pulled her to the house, with Sharon calling "Master Mxyzptlk!" as they reached the door.
And then there was a ‘bamf’ of displaced air (but no sulfur smell) and a red-haired imp in an orange suit appeared floating in mid-air.
"You called?" said Master Mxyzptlk.
Chapter 5. Mxyzptlk to the Rescue – say what?
Sharon began pouring out the situation, but Marie pulled her into the house. "Come inside," she said to the imp. "It’s freezing out here!" Inside, the girls gave Master Mxyzptlk all the information about the Sea Wasp disaster and Superboy’s plight, and the imp rubbed his hands together delightedly.
"This is prime," he chuckled. "Me rescuing Superboy. He’ll never get over owing me his life."
"He won’t owe you his life if you don’t get on it right away," Marie said firmly. Mxyzptlk glared at her, but he put his hands together, bowed to the girls, and disappeared.
Seconds later, in the ocean near Jamaica, the crew of two Naval destroyers were amazed to see a small boat appear out of nowhere. It has a mast and sail, but no engine, a small cabin, and a well in the center opening into the sea. "Hopefully," the captain of one of the vessels said, "this is a rescue attempt." He scratched his head questioningly.
On board the little boat, Clark Kent awoke from an agonizing dream. Looking at the green tinge of his hands, he knew it was no dream. "Hello?" he said curiously.
"Hi, Clarkie," said the familiar high-pitched voice of his nemesis. "How’ya feelin’. Look a little green around the gills!" Master Mxyzptlk went into a gale of laughter at his own joke.
"What are you doing here?" Clark demanded. He noticed that he was wearing his glasses and the uniform shirt of his Invisible Kid outfit.
"I’m setting up a rescue attempt by the Legion of Super-Vandals," Mxyzptlk explained. "Take a look at the sea bed." Clark did so, and his eyes widened. At the bottom of the ocean, still trapped by the stalagmite, was an exact duplicate Superboy.
"It’s a simulacrum," Mxyzptlk said proudly. "Looks just like you, and will ‘die’ of green Kryptonite poisoning in – oh, a few years, I guess. But it will get greener and greener, just like you, until the Vandals rescue him – it, I should say."
"And why?" Clark asked.
"Because Sharon Vaughn called me out of the fifth dimension to rescue you. But why should I have all the fun. In a minute I’ll be summoning the Vandals, and telling them that something is interfering with my powers. Then they’ll have the pride and pleasure of rescuing the great Superboy."
"They already did that," Clark said. "They rescued me from Vandal Savage."
"When I want lip out of you, I’ll create it myself," the imp said, and suddenly Clark’s lips were protruding like a Ubangi native. "Now, play along, if you value your good looks and sanity. Oh, and your secret identity, too. Here come the Vandals!"
And suddenly Marie Elkins, Gary Crane, Phyllis Groves, Sharon Vaughn and Pete Ross were standing on the deck of the little vessel. Pete was wearing his cosmic cuffs, and Gary had his vial of Ultra-Pills. Clark checked and found he was wearing his Invisibility Belt, and his lips had receded to normal.
"Hey, where are we?" Gary cried, as the stunned Vandals looked around.
"Welcome," said Mxyzptlk, "to the diving ship Miss Gzptlsnz. I’ve brought you here to save Superboy!"
"What, again?" asked Gary.
Chapter 6. Ch-ch-ch-changes
"What ship?" Marie asked. "The Miss what?"
"Miss Gzptlsnz! That’s the name of my girl-friend back in the fifth dimension."
"Oh, really," Sharon said flatly. Then she added, "Can’t you save Superboy?"
"Afraid not," Mxyzptlk replied. "Something is interfering with my magic. I can cast it up here, but it doesn’t seem to work under the water. It’s up to you to save your Superbuddy."
"How?" Marie asked. "We can’t breathe water, and the pressure down there would crush us."
"Not a problem, my dear, for Multiple Mermaid and Ultra-Dolphin. To say nothing of Alien Pete Ross." He waved his hand, and suddenly Marie sat down heavily on the deck. Where before she had legs, now she had a fish tail. Meanwhile, a large black dolphin flopped on the deck where Gary had been. It rolled into the well and disappeared, only to reappear, chittering at them.
"Oh, let me take care of that, too," the imp said. "Now the six of you are in telepathic communication, but only for communicating. No mind reading, my dears."
"Hey," Pete cried, looking at his hands and feeling his face. "I look like the Creature from the Black Lagoon." (The Creature from the Black Lagoon debuted in 1954.)
"Only cuter," Mxyzptlk told him. "Actually, you look like a resident of a watery planet several million light-years from here. But you’ll be able to work with your team-mates underwater. Clarkie, there’s really nothing your powers can do under water, so you’ll stay up here with me to monitor the situation. Phyllis, you don’t need my help; your phantom power will sustain you under water."
"But I won’t be able to do anything," she protested.
"Oh, I’m sure you’ll think of something," the imp replied. "And Sharon, this is for you." A miniature vehicle appeared in his hands, with projecting propelling tubes and a clear dome. "This is the finest in underwater submersibles. It will resist the pressure below the sea, has a nitrogen oxygen atmosphere to protect you from the bends, and comes with a high-powered laser."
"Terrific," Sharon said. "Thanks." After thinking a second, she added, "What’s a laser?"
(Note: the first working laser was built in 1960. Apparently Master Mxyzptlk had learned of them in the fifth dimension, or on another planet. Who knows?) After Master Mxyzptlk explained the workings of Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, he and Clark lowered Marie into the well. Meanwhile Sharon shrank to her three-inch size and stepped into the submersible. Clark and the imp carefully lowered it into the well, too. Meanwhile, Pete and Phyllis dived over the side, and Pete made quite a splash. Phyllis of course did not even ruffle the water. "Oh, and you might rescue the submarine, too," Mxyzptlk called after them.
With a wave of his hand he conjured up a television screen, in which he watched the action below. Clark leaned over the well and watched with his telescopic visions. "This is going to be great," the imp announced gleefully.
Chapter 7. Trouble under the Sea
Down into the depths the intrepid adventurers sank, guided by the dim glowing of the green Kryptonite meteor. As they went lower, they could make out the long dark shape of the submarine, and finally the supine form of Superboy. But then Ultra-Dolphin dodged to one side. "Look out," Gary warned the others, "shark."
"Don’t worry, sharks are afraid of dolphins," Marie said firmly.
"Tell that to this one," Gary said, and then grunted as the sea predator crashed into him. He changed to invulnerability in plenty of time, but the impact drove him sideways.
"Look out," Sharon warned. "Octopus. Really BIG octopus!"
Her warning was too late for Marie, who found herself tangled in a giant tentacle. Another reached for Pete, but he shielded himself with a large piece of miscellaneous metal dragged up from the sea floor. The arm holding Marie and the arm holding Pete’s shield were side by side; Sharon piloted her little craft between them, hammering on the laser firing button. Bursts of light shot from the front of her craft to strike the sea monster between the eyes. Suddenly everything was obscured by a blast of black ink.
"Thanks, Sharon," Marie gasped as she swam out of the darkness. "You distracted it so that it let go of me."
"Where are they COMING from," Pete demanded. "Here comes a swordfish, ready to duel. And is that another shark?" It was, and the magnetic master pulled himself toward the submarine to avoid it.
"Electric eel!" Mermaid Marie screamed, and darted toward the surface.
"What in the HELL is that," exclaimed Phyllis, pointing at another aquatic monster that was swimming toward them.
"I don’t know," Gary said, swimming swiftly toward it, "but it doesn’t look friendly."
"It’s probably extinct," Phyllis guessed.
"Only dead things are extinct," Sharon said fearfully.
"I meant that everybody THINKS its species is extinct," Phyllis said exasperatedly. The creature swam through her phantasmal body and collided with the super-strong Ultra-Dolphin. It fell back, stunned.
"Back to the surface, everybody," Marie cried. "Regroup! We need a plan."
"We need less seafood," Gary exclaimed, but he followed the mermaid and the phantom toward the surface. The miniature submarine fired a couple of bursts at the swordfish, driving it back from Pete Ross, while Pete threw his metal shield at the second shark. Then they too left the field of battle.
Chapter 8. The View from Above
"What is going on down there?" Clark demanded. "Is this your idea, Mxyzptlk? Are you trying to make it more interesting for them?"
"No," the imp replied, and there was no doubting the concern in his voice. "I keep trying to use my magic to help, but something really IS blocking it! Hey, what’s that?" Another figure had appeared on the viewing screen, this one a trim blonde boy wearing only a skimpy black bathing suit. "Maybe he’s responsible for this."
"No," Clark contradicted. "Look, he’s trying to make the fish go away. He’s not having much luck – wait, there goes shark number one. It’s leaving – damn, the octopus has got him." He concentrated on his friends. "Hey, troops, reinforcements just arrived, but it looks like he’s in trouble."
"Ultra Dolphin to the rescue," they heard Gary reply, followed by "Here comes Super-Sub" from Sharon. On the screen the two heroes appeared, Sharon firing her lasers while the Ultra-Dolphin dived directly for the tentacle encircling the nearly-nude youth. From the appearance, it seemed that Gary bit the tentacle, freeing the boy, who grabbed onto the dolphin’s fin.
"Uh oh," Sharon cried. "Blood in the water. Look out, I think Shark number two is interested."
Gary, Sharon and the stranger swiftly retreated, as shark number two tore into the wounded octopus.
Clark turned to Master Mxyzptlk. "Something fishy is going on, and I’m not talking about sharks and octopi. Something is trying to interfere with our rescue of Superboy."
"Not to worry," Mxyzptlk replied. "I’ve figured out a counter-measure." Clark was leaning over the side, watching the seabed with his x-ray vision, so he didn’t see what happened next. All he knew was that there was a flash of light, a loud bang, and a scream of agony from the fifth-dimensional visitor. Jerking upright, Clark found that his clothes were on fire, and that the imp was rolling on the deck, screaming with pain. He was on fire, too, so Clark jumped on him and slapped out the flames with his invulnerable hands.
"What happened," he demanded. "Mix-yez, what happened?"
"Oh, the pain, the pain," Mxyzptlk cried. "I hurt, I hurt. I need help. I’m going home. KLTPZ…" his attempt to say his name backward was interrupted by Clark’s hand in his mouth. The youth realized that if the imp disappeared, so would the tiny submarine, while Pete, Marie and Gary would revert to their normal shapes. In the depth of the water, they would surely drown. Mxyzptlk spasmed in Clark’s grasp for a moment, and then mercifully passed out. Clark laid the unconscious imp gently on the deck and stepped back.
"What the Hell is going on?" he wondered out loud.
"I am," laughed a female voice behind him. Clark spun on his heels, and saw a beautiful blonde girl wearing a skimpy two-piece costume, held together by a disc in the middle of her bare stomach. She had hip-high pink high-heeled boots and shoulder-length gloves as well. To be honest, she looked more than a little bit slutty.
"Who the fuck are you?" Clark demanded.
Chapter 9. Meet Saturn Girl
"I like to call myself Saturn Girl," the vision in pink replied.
"Why?" Clark asked. "You’re not from Saturn."
"Very clever," the girl replied. "I’m from good old Terra Firma. But I call myself Saturn Girl because of the rings which I use. Rings - Saturn - get it?"
"Got it," said Clark.
"Good," said the girl. "I just nailed you and your magical little friend with my lightning projector ring. I also have a flight ring, and a light ring, and a heat ring, and a freeze ray ring, and a knockout gas ring. And I’ve been controlling the fish with my telepathic tiara!"
"So why are you trying to prevent us from rescuing Superboy?" Clark asked.
"Because I’m planning to become a super-criminal, and I knew that Superboy would someday stand in my way. I’ve been trying to create a Kryptonite ring, but this is even better. If Superboy dies at the sea bottom trying to save the sub, no one will blame me. But when you clowns showed up, I knew I had to do something, or you’d ruin everything."
"Don’t you think that’s kind of petty?" Clark asked. "Superboy has saved the world hundreds of times. You’re trying to kill Earth’s defender."
"You’re right," Saturn Girl said. "I repent of my evil ways. NOT!" With that she raised her hand and pointed it at Clark, and a blast of pure heat tore at him. He got out of the way with super-speed, although his shirt caught fire. Quickly he activated the invisibility belt.
"Hey, where did you go?" the girl demanded. She began fanning the heat ray around the deck, setting miscellaneous bits of rope ablaze. But Clark used Superboy’s flight power to lift himself off the deck, flying overhead to land on the deck behind the girl. Her sharp ears heard him, and she spun to center him in the ray, but he grabbed her wrist and pointed it upward. The furled sail of the little ship caught fire as they wrestled. Saturn Girl grabbed the belt dial and twisted, and Clark Kent reappeared.
"What are you going to do?" Saturn Girl laughed. "You’re much too gentlemanly to strike a woman, aren’t you?"
"Yes," Clark panted, putting on a show of being weak and timid. "Fortunately I watched a show on television last week, and it showed me how to do this…" He let go of her wrist and grabbed her neck viciously. She struggled in his arms for a moment, and then went limp.
"What was THAT?" demanded Master Mxyzptlk, who had regained consciousness during the wrestling match.
"She called herself ‘Saturn Girl’," Clark replied.
"No, I mean that sleeper hold that knocked her out."
"I compressed her carotid artery," Clark answered. "It’s called the Marine 7-second kill. I didn’t kill her, but she’ll be out for a while."
"Hey," called Marie’s voice from the well. "A little help here! I’ve got Superboy."
Chapter 10. Who is that unmasked man?
Under the water, and before Saturn Girl unleashed her attack, the five Vandals and the stranger met in a circle. "Who are you?" Marie demanded telepathically, and to her surprise the young man answered in the same way.
"My name is Arthur Curry," the lad said, "and I call myself Aquaboy. I heard about Superboy being in trouble and came as quickly as I could. When I saw you guys being menaced by the marine creatures, I used my ability to control sea creatures to tell them to go away. Unfortunately, I’m still pretty new at it, and something was interfering with my power. They were already operating under a strong mental command to keep anybody away from Superboy."
"Oh, wow," said Phyllis admiringly. "How did you get these amazing powers?"
"My father was a lighthouse keeper, and he married a woman from the sunken city of Atlantis…"
"Where the mermaids come from?" asked Sharon.
"No, that’s another Atlantis, a few miles away on the other side of a deep sea ridge…"
"We’re wasting daylight, people," Marie interrupted. "We still have a boy of steel to rescue, and time is NOT on our side. Plan?"
"I’ve got one," Gary said. "We need to focus on our objective, which is to rescue Superboy. The fish are just a distraction. So I suggest that Marie go straight down and pick up Superboy, while the rest of us just keep the sea critters away from her."
"That’s amazing!" Marie exclaimed.
"That I had a plan?" Gary said sarcastically.
"No, that you said ‘focus on our objective’," Marie replied.
"I like the plan," Pete said. "Let’s do it!" The other heroes agreed, and so they dived again.
This time they circled around Marie, and as the swordfish came into view Sharon drove it off with laser blasts. Gary crashed head-on into shark number 2, sending it plunging into the depths. Concentrating as hard as he could, Arthur focused on the prehistoric creature only, and began to break through its mental control. Pete pulled some metal cable up from the depths using his magnetic powers, and wrapped it around the electric eel, so that it ended up shocking itself.
Marie landed on the sea bottom and struggled to get the stalagmite off Superboy’s legs. She wasn’t strong enough, so she split into two mermaids. Together, they were able to shift the stone enough to pull the boy of steel free. Then, with one mermaid taking each of Superboy’s arms, they began flipping their way toward the surface. Other marine creatures were swimming up, but they seemed to have little interest in fighting.
"The mental hold is broken," Arthur said. "I can handle them now!"
The Vandals cheered. With Superboy rescued, and the sea animals leaving, their mission was accomplished.
"The Sea Wasp!" Sharon screamed.
Chapter 11. If it isn’t one thing…
All eyes turned to the submarine, and with horror they saw the prehistoric sea monster brush against it as it left the scene. The submarine began to slide back toward the deep ravine. Slamming her thrusters on full, Sharon piloted her little craft to a gunwale, and began pushing back. This had the same effect as a Chihuahua trying to hold back an elephant, and the girl was being forced into the ravine as well. Pete anchored himself against the broken stalagmite and used his magnetism to help, but the main result was that he was being crushed against the stone. Arthur had amazing strength from living underwater, but he was equally ineffective against the sliding submarine.
And then the Ultra Dolphin reached the stern of the vessel, and with incredible Ultra-strength began shoving the vessel back to safety. The others breathed a sigh of relief and broke off their efforts.
"Hey," said Sharon as the ship was pushed to safety. "Is it supposed to have that chain between the propellers?" The other swimmers came over to look.
"I don’t think so," said Gary.
"I see what happened," Arthur said. "That chain must have broken loose from a sunken ship and been sucked into one of the propellers. When it fouled, the captain reversed engines, and the other end rolled up into the other propeller. So now the engines won’t work because no matter which way they try to turn, there’s a chain locking them up."
"What can we do?" Phyllis asked.
"Well, break the chain, to start with," Arthur said. "Then we have the captain run the starboard engine until the chain is free. Then he runs the port engine in reverse until that chain is free, and then he leaves."
"Great," Gary said. There was a sudden surge of heat energy, as his Ultra-vision cut through the fouling chain. It turned bright red, and then separated. "Now, how do we tell the captain to do all that."
"Leave that one to me," Phyllis said. "Finally I get to feel useful."
The captain of the Sea Wasp fell off his chair when a teen-aged girl dressed in white toreador pants and a red blouse walked calmly through the wall of his ship. "Hi," she said. "I’m Phyllis Groves, Phantom Girl of the Legion of Super-Vandals. There was a chain fouling your propellers, and we just cut it in half. So now turn your … uh… starboard propeller until the chain drops loose, and then run your … uh … the other propeller in reverse until that one comes off. Can you do that?"
The captain looked at her with amazement. "You bet I can, sister," he shouted. Speaking into a tube, he said, "Engine room! Starboard propeller, ahead full." There was a grinding noise, and the submarine began to turn sidewise.
After a minute, Phyllis heard a telepathic shout, "That’s it! It’s free! Now go the other way."
"Your right propeller is free," she told the captain. "Now turn the other one the other way."
"Engine room, starboard propeller, full stop, Port propeller, reverse." The ship shimmied back the other way, and suddenly seemed to spring forward. "That’s it," the captain shouted. "We’re free. Prepare to surface." All through the submarine Phyllis could hear men cheering, and telepathically she heard another group outside the ship also shouting with joy.
Chapter 12. Explanations
As Clark hurried toward the well to help Marie, Master Mxyzptlk suddenly said, "Hey, wait a minute." Clark turned to look at the dimensional traveler, who was gesturing in his direction. Suddenly a mass of black and blue and red hurled from the imp’s hands toward the boy of steel.
"Yowch," he cried as the mass hit him, stinging and burning his usually invulnerable flesh. "What’s this crap?"
"Burns and bruises, buddy boy," Mxyzptlk replied. "You’ve been in a fight, but you don’t look like it. This way no one will wonder how Clarkie came out without a scratch."
"Thanks – I guess," Clark said. He went back to the well, and reached in to grab the Superboy simulacrum.
"Let me help you, you 90-pound weakling," Mxyzptlk called, reminding Clark of his secret identity. Then the imp grabbed Superboy’s other arm, and they dragged him aboard. Marie grabbed the edge of the well and hoisted herself onto the boat. As she sat on the edge of the well, her tail began to bifurcate and return to human form.
"What happened to you?" she demanded, looking at the tattered pair in front of her.
"She did," Clark said, jerking his thumb toward Saturn Girl, who was beginning to regain consciousness. Mxyzptlk waved his hand, and some of the burned ropes began wiggling toward the girl, securing her. Another wave, and the rings jerked off her fingers and the tiara off her head, to fly into a bucket nearby. "She calls herself Saturn Girl, and she’s responsible for the marine creatures attacking you."
"And Clarkie took her out single-handedly after she knocked me out," Mxyzptlk added.
"Way to go, Clark!" Marie exclaimed, grabbing and hugging the bespectacled youth. Clark blushed, more affected by her praise than he ever had been by any of the honors heaped on Superboy.
"How are the others doing?" Clark asked, to change the subject.
"Well, they ran into some trouble," Marie reported. "That big prehistoric critter bumped into the Sea Wasp, and knocked her back toward the ravine. The last I saw they had stopped her fall, but I don’t know – whoops – hey!" She stumbled into Clark as the deck beneath their feet lurched. The Miss Gzptlsnz was rocking heavily, knocking them off balance. Clark grabbed a rope to steady himself, and caught Marie as she started to fall.
"Look, look," Mxyzptlk screamed excitedly. Something was emerging from the sea off to one side, something huge and grey and metal and…
"It’s the Sea Wasp!" Marie shouted. "They did it! They saved her!" The three on the Miss Gzptlsnz began cheering, and they were joined by the crew on the two Navy vessels.
Chapter 13. Bizarre Behavior
Phyllis came ghosting up through the bottom of the ship until her feet were on the deck. Then she became solid and began hugging and kissing the boys. Pete Ross surfaced in the well, and Marie and Clark pulled him out. As his feet touched the deck, he too returned to his normal appearance. Arthur was the next to appear, and Clark put down a hand to help him aboard. As he did so their eyes met, and it was as if a spark passed between them. For a moment Clark felt breathless, and understood suddenly how normal people felt when they took a blow. Arthur’s eyes widened, and he gazed deeply into Clark’s. Clark pulled him out of the water, admiring the smooth muscularity of his body, the powerful legs, and the ample basket concealed within the tight black briefs. "Wow," he thought, "the pink Kryptonite is working overtime." He glanced at Pete to see how he was reacting, but he was between Phyllis and Marie, with an arm around each girl. Clark went back to gazing at Arthur.
"Incoming," Mxyzptlk shouted, and in the next moment a huge black dolphin breached the surface of the sea to land on the deck of the Miss Gzptlsnz. Immediately it reverted back to Gary Crane. He landed heavily on his bad wrist, and yelped with pain. Phyllis went to comfort him, while Clark and Arthur turned back to the well to lift up the little submarine piloted by Sharon Vaughn. As it touched the deck it vanished, and Sharon grew back to her normal size.
Clark looked back at Arthur, and met that same bemused glance. A moment later he received a telepathic communication. "You’re the real Superboy, aren’t you?" Arthur transmitted to Clark alone. Clark shrugged and nodded. How can you fool a telepath? The next message was much blunter and bolder. For a second Clark had a vision of himself and Arthur, lying together naked on a golden, sandy beach. "Meet me tomorrow afternoon at 1 on the southern beach of Jamaica," Arthur said mentally.
"Jamaica time?" Clark asked out loud, forgetting that he was the only one privy to the conversation.
"Jamaica time?" asked Gary and Sharon, not understanding Clark’s train of thought.
"Jamaica time," Arthur agreed out loud, grinning.
And then Master Mxyzptlk, who had also heard the exchange, spread his arms and shouted, "Jamaica Time!" Suddenly a steel drum band was playing at the stern of the boat, while a bamboo and palm frond hut appeared on top of the cabin. Inside the hut a black bartender in a white jacket was shaking up exotic beverages. Each of the Vandals was holding a drink, in tall glasses topped with fruit and tiny umbrellas. The boys, except for Superboy, were wearing sandals, shorts, and bright-colored sports shirts open to the waist. The girls were similarly dressed in sandals, very short shorts, and halter tops. Sharon saw what she was wearing and made an inarticulate scream; Mxyzptlk waved his hand again and she was wearing a wrap-around sarong that left her shoulders and arms bare, but covered her midriff. She seemed satisfied, and sipped her drink.
"Hey, these are strong!" Gary said. "Are they alcoholic?"
"You bet," the imp replied. "Nothing but the best for the Saviors of Superboy."
"And the effect will disappear when you go back to the fifth dimension?" Gary continued.
"Yes, indeed," Mxyzptlk replied.
Gary threw his empty glass overboard and sprang to the bar. "Give me another," he demanded of the bartender.
"… in two or three days," Mxyzptlk added.
Chapter 14. Heroes of the Hour
Clark was surprised to see that Saturn Girl was also dressed for the Caribbean, and holding a glass. She finished her drink and tossed the glass overboard, too. Then she began sidling surreptitiously toward the bucket that held her rings and tiara. Clark moved in that direction too, and casually kicked the bucket overboard. "Oops, clumsy me," he apologized. Saturn Girl screamed, and came toward him with her fingers stretched into claws. Clark dodged behind Arthur, and made himself invisible. He took a moment to admire Arthur’s firm round behind as he dodged the furious villain.
"I think it’s time for you to go home, girlie," Mxyzptlk said, raising his hand.
"No, wait," Marie cried, and then shrugged with disappointment. "Damn. I don’t have my camera. We need a picture of her for our Rogue’s Gallery." Mxyzptlk waved again, and Marie’s camera appeared. She quickly snapped a picture of Saturn Girl, and then Mxyzptlk snapped his finger, and she disappeared.
"What did you do with her?" Clark asked.
"Sent her back to her home," Mxyzptlk replied.
"Shouldn’t she go to jail?" Sharon asked. "She did attack you and Clark, and try to keep us from rescuing Superboy."
Mxyzptlk shrugged. "Not worth the bother," he replied. "She’s lost her power rings, so she’s no threat to anybody." He floated over to the bar for a refill. He too was dressed for Caribbean casual.
"Ahoy the boat," came a shout from over the side. "Permission to come aboard?"
"Welcome, welcome," Master Mxyzptlk replied, and the captain and officers of the Sea Wasp scrambled onto the deck to thank their rescuers. The bartender kept them well supplied with drinks, and Marie snapped several photographs. Phyllis found a cute officer and began to dance with him to the music of the drums. Gary glowered.
One of the officers was the Information Officer, and he insisted on getting the names of the Super-Vandals and Arthur, who introduced himself as Aquaboy. He also had a camera, and snapped several pictures of the teen-aged heroes. Marie was taking pictures, too.
After a while Master Mxyzptlk announced that it was time to break up the party. The Sea Wasp sailors were seen back to their ship, and Arthur received several hugs before diving overboard. He made a point of hugging Clark, and giving him a quick grope. Clark glanced at Pete, but he was watching the Sea Wasp, so Clark took the opportunity for a quick kiss.
Then the sailors on the Sea Wasp and the two destroyers watched in amazement as the Miss Gzptlsnz disappeared. For the six Super-Vandals and the Superboy simulacrum, suddenly they were back in Smallville.
"I’ll hang around for a little while," Master Mxyzptlk told them. "I’ll be annoying my buddy Superboy while you write down the adventure, Marie. Remember, you’ll forget all about it when I disappear."
Marie hurried off toward the police station to use a typewriter, while Gary and Phyllis, arm in arm, strolled off into the little town. Sharon also took her leave, and the ersatz boy of steel flew away, followed by the fifth-dimensional imp. That left only Pete and Clark. Pete put his arm around Clark’s waist and dragged him off toward his home, and Clark gladly went along. But he couldn’t get the image of the other blond boy out of his mind, and kept thinking about what interesting events the next day would bring – at 1:00 p.m., Jamaica time.
Chapter 15. The End in Sight
The next day was quite a day for the Vandals. The Sea Wasp radioed the news to Naval command, who gave it to the media. In a few hours Smallville was swarming with reporters and photographers wanting to interview and snap pictures of the six teens. Sharon, being extremely shy, disappeared into her house and wasn’t seen again until the media was gone. The others told and retold their story at great length.
The next morning five of the Vandals pushed their way through reporters to meet in their club-room in an old warehouse. Marie had brought typed copies of the adventure, at least as she understood it, and also framed photographs of Aquaboy and Saturn Girl. Saturn Girl’s picture was hung in the Rogue’s Gallery along with those of Lex Luthor, Vandal Savage, Thora, and the invasion ship from Imsk. Marie held up the picture of Arthur and said, "The usual question."
"I second," said Gary.
"All in favor?" Marie asked. After a chorus of "Ayes", she turned and hung the picture in the area reserved for honorary members, such as Superboy, Master Mxyzptlk, Wonder Girl, and Pete Ross (from before he was a full-fledged member).
Pete had driven to Wichita and back that morning, and had copies of all the national newspapers, every one of which featured the rescue of the Sea Wasp and Superboy on the front page. The Vandals took an hour reading them aloud, snickering over the errors. Clark kept looking at the clock, thinking of his rendezvous. Finally at 10:30 (Smallville time), he said, "I need to go. I’ve got an appointment in a few minutes." He gave Pete a hug and then hurried out the door. He felt guilty, cheating on Pete, but he tried to justify it by thinking that he, Clark, wasn’t meeting Arthur; Superboy was meeting Aquaboy. It didn’t work too well, but since Clark was male, it worked well enough.
But after changing to Superboy, his first stop was Lex Luthor’s old laboratory. He had enjoyed the way he had reacted to Arthur, and wanted to make sure he could keep the feeling. He didn’t want to take any chances with the Invisibility Belt, and he knew where there was another supply of pink Kryptonite. He dived into the earth and burrowed until he found the meteor buried by a cave-in under the lab. He chipped off a piece, drilled a hole in the center, and hung it on a lanyard he had brought for that purpose. Then he took to the sky, headed for Jamaica.
As he approached the island, he used his telescopic vision to locate the underwater wonder. To his pleasure, he saw Aquaboy sunning himself, nude, on the south beach. Quickly he landed on a nearby island and stripped off his Superboy uniform. Then, naked except for the pink Kryptonite medallion, he flew toward Aquaboy’s location. As he approached the beach, he dropped one hand into the water, raising a high plume of water in his wake. Aquaboy saw the double jet of water and sat up, eagerly awaiting the boy of steel. When Superboy landed, and Aquaboy saw that he was already naked and ready for some fun (can you guess how he knew?), he jumped up, grinning. The two naked boys met on the beach, going immediately into a passionate embrace. They kissed each other deeply for a long time. Then Aquaboy pulled away.
"Come on," he said, catching Superboy’s hand. "The water’s warm, and I can’t do this with normal guys." He pulled Superboy into the surf, and a moment later they were both underwater, kissing and hugging and feeling. Both boys were able to exist indefinitely in the ocean, and they reversed their positions to go into a mutual round of orally pleasing each other, until both boys spilled their seed heedlessly in the sea. Then they swam back to the beach, and lay together in each other’s arms until the desire for sexual pleasure reappeared. For two sexy, super-powered teen-aged boys, that didn’t take long!
Evening was coming on in Jamaica before the sexually sated Superboy kissed Arthur goodbye, and flew back to the island where he left his costume. Decently dressed again, he headed back to Kansas, having spent a Sunday afternoon he would never forget.
Chapter 16. Some random comments
That concludes the tale of the Legion of Super-Vandals’ "Water Hazard." But there is one small point to be submitted for your consideration. We may assume that Superboy’s sperm is as super as he is. Ordinarily the little wigglers, if ejaculated in salt water, would very quickly die. Even under optimum conditions, they would soon tire and die, with only one actually reaching the goal. But if Superboy’s sperm was invulnerable, and super-strong, we might think that they would last a long time, and be able to swim for long distances in the medium of salt water. (We would also assume that they could not actually fly, since they don’t have brains.) Eventually they would die, of "old age"; that is, a spermatozoa’s life-span is not very long, even if "super". And there was a certain amount of green Kryptonite in the ocean, against which some would eventually come to rest. And some would undoubtedly swim straight down to the bottom, and then not "know" what to do, and so perish. Some might be eaten by fish, which might not be that pleasant for the fish.
But is there any chance, do you suppose, that some of them (and there are millions in every ejaculation) would actually cross the ocean, find some young lady swimming in the sea at the exact right moment, discover the vagina and make the long trip through the tubes to a fertile egg? I suppose it could happen, but if it did it might be years before we actually knew about it. But somewhere … in South America, or Mexico, or around the Gulf, there might be a virgin birth, and a Super Baby. Who knows? Who, indeed?
THE END
In our next exciting episode, it’s time for Smallville High’s SENIOR TRIP to GOTHAM CITY, where
Clark and Pete go to a gay bar
Clark meets an old friend
Lana Lang has a close encounter of the thirst kind
The Vandals meet Betty the Vampire Slayer
The Vandals visit Madam Rue, the gypsy lady with the gold-capped tooth
Three virgins engage in a dangerous ritual
all in the story I call:
BRUCE WAYNE: VAMPIRE!