The characters and representations of Superman, Kandor and its inhabitants, the Phantom Zone and its inhabitants, and the varieties of kryptonite are trademarked and copyrighted by DC Comics. No infringement of those rights is intended.
The alarm in the headquarters of the Superman Emergency Squad, located in the tiny bottle city of Kandor, sounded with shrill urgency. From throughout the building, the members on duty hastened to the monitor room, where the scene on the big screen filled them with horror. Three of the worst villains from the Phantom Zone, Krypton's humane prison for criminals, had escaped through a warp in the Zone, and had captured Superman in his Fortress of Solitude. The Man of Steel hung in chains from a makeshift x-shaped cross, while overhead a gigantic lens changed the rays of the sun from yellow, which gave Superman his powers, to red, like those of Krypton, under which Kryptonians were normal men. The villains stood around the rack, outside the range of the lens, mocking the helpless hero and discussing his doom.
"What can we do?" Van-Zee groaned. "We cannot use green kryptonite or gold kryptonite, for they would affect us, too. And there's a Phantom Zone projector, but the villains are too spread out! We would have to get them all in one shot, or the others would destroy the ray and then us!"
"I have an idea," said Jef-Of, a new member of the squad. "It would require some 'sacrifice' on our parts, but it just might work." Quickly he outlined his plan, and after some initial grumbling, the other members agreed to try it.
"It's just crazy enough to work," Van-Zee said. "Quick, let's get the material we need, and meet at the stratoport. And hurry -- we haven't a moment to lose."
Within minutes a stratocruiser with three tiny men aboard lifted toward the cork which capped the Kryptonian city shrunk by villain Brainiac and stored in a bottle.
Three of the wickedest villains imprisoned in the Phantom Zone - Jax-Ur, General Zod and Professor Vakox -- gloated over their prisoner from a distance safely outside the red circle cast by the red-sun lens. "Can you guess what our plans are," chuckled Jax-Ur. "Don't bother, we'll be GLAD to tell you! I'll be flying to Metropolis, where I'll hover above the Daily Planet Building. Won't the citizens of Metropolis be amazed when their skyscraper comes toppling down on them, crushing them like ants. Maybe I'll spare Lois, Jimmy, and Perry, to bring them back here so they can see your humiliation, before I kill each of them slowly before your eyes." He cackled maniacally.
"I'll be heading to Gotham City," sneered General Zod. "Your friend Batman and his little ward Robin won't know what hit them when Wayne Manor comes crashing into the Batcave. Don't worry about missing the show, though -- I'll have a monitor set up for you, so that you can watch the Caped Crusader's death."
"And I'm flying to Paradise Island, home of the Amazons, and Wonder Woman," bragged Prof. Vakox. "But I won't be destroying it -- oh, no. I'll just land for a brief sight-seeing tour -- that will destroy the Amazons as soon as a man lands on the island! Then it's on to Midvale, where your cousin Supergirl is in for a BIG surprise. I hope she likes the Phantom Zone!"
"And then we'll be back," General Zod added, "to take care of you. Maybe we'll have something 'special' in the way of entertainment." The evil general stepped into the red circle and approached the chained man of steel. He gently caressed Superman's face, then with a quick, brutal gesture ripped the famous shirt with the big red S in half, exposing Superman's muscular chest. Zod had of course lost his powers under the red sun rays, but he was still strong enough to abuse the chained superhero. He ran a fingernail around the nipples and down the center of Superman's chest. "Oh, yes, Superman -- before we finish you off, you will experience the ultimate humiliation. And we'll capture it on tape when I make you squeal like a pig. The whole world will see the great Superman become the bitch of General Zod, the greatest criminal in Krypton's history."
A little voice seemed to speak in Jax-Ur's ear. "Why HIM? I'M the greatest villain in the universe." He reacted by pulling Zod out of the circle with an inhalation of super-breath. He grabbed the General and slapped him across the face. "Forget it, Zod," he sneered. "I'm the one who'll introduce Kal-El to the exciting world of buggery. I'm twice the villain you are." He bitch-slapped the general again with a force that would have broken the neck of an ordinary man.
Spitting and cursing, General Zod aimed a kick at Jax-Ur's crotch, and then came at him with fingers outstretched to tear out his eyes. Jax-Ur was at an advantage; since he was bald, the general couldn't get a handful of hair. But that's exactly what Jax-Ur did, pulling at Zod's hair while continuing to slap him. Zod's fingernails were futile against Jax-Ur's invulnerable skin.
Angrily Professor Vakox stepped up to the pair and grabbed both by the back of their heads, slamming them together with such power that normal men would have had their brains splattered. Even though they were invulnerable, the two Phantom Zone villains were briefly dazed by Vakox' attack. "Stop squabbling, you two dumb faggots", he shouted at them. "This is no time to quarrel over who gets to rape Superman! We have a world to conquer, and we must do it now, before the Justice League or Supergirl gets wind of our escape!" And as he said it, the three Kryptonian criminals faded away, as three tiny figures pressed the activation button of the Phantom Zone projector.
Having returned the three villains to the twilight dimension, the three members of the Superman Emergency Squad closed the lead box which they had brought with them. Then they flew up above the lens and began attacking it. But it was too hard and strong; they were able to break off chips, but it continued to bathe Superman in the rays of a red sun. Squad Leader Van-Zee motioned for the others to follow him, and flew to a vantage point.
"What are we going to do?" asked Lorn-Ar. "We can't shatter the lens, and if we try to break the chains we'll lose our powers under the red sun."
"Take a chill pill, honey," Van-Zee replied. "Quit panicking; focus! And when I say 'focus', I mean your infra-red vision!" He demonstrated by glaring at one of the rivets on the manacle holding Superman's right wrist. The rivet began to smoke from the heat projected from his eyes. The other two Kandorians followed his example, and it melted into slag. Three more rivets were destroyed in the same manner, and then the man of steel stumbled free of the power of the ray. He flew up above the lens and crashed down on it, shattering it into fragments. Then he found his three rescuers, and flew down to them.
"Thanks," he said. "You were just in the nick of time. But how did you do it? How did you get them to fight?"
"It was my idea," boasted Jef-Of. "I figured that if we could expose the criminals to a piece of pink kryptonite, it would reverse their sexual orientation, and we would be able to get them to fighting over you. I got a piece of pink kryptonite from a gay bar in Kandor; it doesn't affect Kandorians, but the boys like it as a decoration. Then we flew up to the cork and enlarged ourselves, and turned Jax-Ur and General Zod into screaming queens. I used super-ventriloquism to put the idea into Jax-Ur's ear that he deserved the honor of doing you more than General Zod. And when Vakox went to separate them, they were finally all together in the path of the Phantom Zone projector."
"Get over yourself, Blanche," Van-Zee said. "It took team-work on all our parts to do it. We knew that you would not be affected, Superman, because kryptonite only affects super-powered Kryptonians. And we closed the box before freeing you."
"But why weren't you affected?" Superman asked.
"Who says we weren't, Superhunk?" said Lorn-Ar. "It was a real treat for us when Zod ripped your shirt."
"You mean you allowed yourselves to be converted in order to capture the Zoners? You men are real heroes!"
"Aw shucks, Superman," said Van-Zee. "Sometimes you have to take a bullet for a friend. And it's no big deal, anyway -- the effect is temporary, and should have worn off by the time we get back to Kandor."
"And why wasn't Prof. Vakox affected?" Superman asked.
The three little men giggled. "Oh, he was," Van-Zee said. "We'll leave you to figure out the details. Okay, girls, let's head back to Kandor!"
With Superman's thanks still ringing in their ears, the three little men flew back to the cork on the bottle city, reduced their size, and reentered the bottle. "How are you going to explain to Sylvia?" Jef-Of asked Van-Zee.
"It doesn't matter," he replied. "Maybe I don't want to have sex with her -- right now -- but she's still my wife and I love her. Loving someone doesn't always have to do with sex. But on the other hand, by the time we land I'll be back to normal, and she'd better be ready!"