BRUCE WAYNE -- VAMPIRE!
A tale of the Legion of Super-Vandals
The characters and representations of Superboy, the Legion of Super-Heroes and its members (however disguised), and the varieties of kryptonite are trademarked and copyrighted by DC Comics. No infringement of those rights is intended.
Other acknowledgments are appropriate in this story, and they appear after the last chapter, since I do not want to spoil any surprises.
This story is set in a parallel universe (Earth-whatever), where Superbody did not join the Legion of Super-Heroes. Instead, Lex Luthor founded a club made up of students at Smallville High with powers of their own. These students are:
Clark Kent: the Invisible Kid
Gary Crane: Ultra Boy
Marie Elkins: Duo Damsel
Phyllis Groves: Phantom Girl
Pete Ross: Cosmic Boy
Sharon Vaughn: Shrinking Violet
And now, the story.
Chapter 1. Senior Trip
Clark Kent sat in the back of the Kent family car, next to his “cousin” Bob Cobb. A duffel bag clearly marked with Clark’s name sat between them. In front, Jonathan Kent drove, while Martha turned around periodically to offer Clark unwanted advice. “Now, you be careful in Gotham City, Clark,” she warned for the tenth time. “Stay with Mr. Pursley, and do what he tells you. It can be very dangerous for a young man by himself in the big city.” This totally ignored the fact that Clark was actually Superboy, and had faced incredible menaces on other planets. Today Martha was a mother hen whose only chick was about to go out into the big wide world.
Bob chuckled and punched his “cousin” in the shoulder. Bob was actually a space explorer named Lar Gand, who had been discovered with amnesia by Superboy. Because he had the same powers as Superboy, he had been given the name “Mon-El”, and treated as Superboy’s big brother. “Don’t worry about Smallville,” he said with a grin. “I’ll be patrolling disguised as you, and I’ll try not to get close enough to anybody for them to notice that Superboy has grown another two inches.”
“Thanks, Bob,” Clark replied. “I wish I could still use my robots, but it seems like every time I build one, I grow another inch and it’s outdated. I was spending all my time tinkering with robots for a while.”
“Well, forget about everything for the week-end,” Bob said cheerfully. “For now, you’re just high school senior Clark Kent, on his high school’s senior trip. And no showing up as Superboy in Gotham City, either. It just confuses the locals.” As Bob said that, Jonathan pulled into the parking lot of Smallville High, where a bus was being loaded with the bags and suitcases of the traveling seniors. Bob hefted Clark’s duffel out of the car and carried it over to the bus, while Martha tearfully hugged Clark and reminded him about clean underwear and nightly baths. Some of the kids waiting to board the bus chuckled at Clark’s embarrassment, but he wasn’t the only boy being hugged and scolded by a doting mother.
All too soon for the parents, and too slowly for the students, the last bag was stowed away, and the kids filed onto the bus, each name carefully checked off by the Senior Advisor, Mr. Pursley, a wizened old English teacher. Miss Blair, the biology teacher, was also heading for Gotham City as the chaperone for the girls. Despite Mr. Pursley’s admonitions, the bus was a riot of teen-agers shouting and shoving as they tried to find seats with their friends. Clark dropped into the seat next to Pete Ross, his best friend and lover, and found Sharon Vaughn and Marie Elkins in the seat behind, while Phyllis Groves and Gary Crane occupied the seat in front of them. The six teens were the members of the Legion of Super-Vandals, a team formed by Lex Luthor to embarrass Superboy, that had already saved him twice.
“Are you two rooming together?” Marie demanded. When Clark and Pete nodded, she grumbled, “Well, that’s not fair. If Mr. Pursley knew what you two were up to, he’d have a cow. Sharon and I are together, too.”
Clark chuckled, and turned to Gary. “Who are you rooming with?” he asked.
“I’ll be in Phyllis’ room,” Gary replied with a big grin and a wink, putting his arm around his girlfriend.
“I don’t believe THAT,” Clark exclaimed. “Mr. Pursley would never allow it.”
“What Pursley doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Gary replied. “I’m supposed to be with Ed Nichols, and Phyllis is with Annie Hayes.” Ed and Annie were another well-known couple. “Nothing easier than to sneak out after curfew and switch. Hey, we’re starting! Yippee.” Gary’s cheers were echoed by the other thirty or so students on the bus.
Chapter 2. Best Laid Plans
Pete nudged Clark, and slipped a piece of cardboard into his hand. “Check this out,” he whispered. “I got one for you and one for me.” Clark looked down at the paper, which was a driver’s license made out for Chuck Kendall. The description was of Clark, and in 1959 drivers’ licenses did not have photographs. The only difference between Clark and Chuck was that Chuck was three years older.
“A fake id?” Clark gasped. “I can’t use this. It’s wrong.”
“Think about it, Clark,” Pete replied. “Gotham City. Swinging nightlife. A once in a lifetime opportunity.”
Gary looked back over his shoulder and said, “Yeah, Phyllis and I have ours. If we can sneak around Pursley and Blair, we can have a terrific time.”
“Not with us, though,” Pete replied, and gave Gary a big wink. Gary’s eyes widened, and a smirk crossed his face. Pete was planning to have a ‘gay old time’.
Clark looked thoughtful, and put the card into his shirt pocket.
It was an eight-hour trip from Smallville to Gotham City, and the kids amused themselves in various ways. There was a group sing-along, and a chubby boy named Chuck Taine stood up and did a hilarious comedy routine. Chuck was the class clown, and he kept the youths in stitches with his impressions of teachers who were not on the bus. Even Miss Blair found some of them amusing; if Mr. Pursley was amused, no one could have told by looking at him.
At lunch time the bus driver pulled into a truck stop halfway between Smallville and Gotham. The café offered the usual truck stop fare, but today it had a special Mexican Enchilada platter which intrigued some of the kids. Chuck Taine jokingly warned them about ‘turista’, but most tucked in, and found it delicious. Pete demurred, claiming food allergies, and the girls of the Legion also chose other items from the menu. But Clark and Gary both tucked into the exotic dish with enthusiasm. Chuck also skipped the Mexican treat, having two burgers and a double order of fries instead. When the meal was done, it was back on the road for the Smallville senior class.
Three hours later, Chuck’s prediction came true. One after another, the kids began doubling up with cramps, and an unscheduled stop was made at another gas station. The line for the bathrooms was long, and sad to say some of the teens did not make it, and had to change clothes. Mr. Pursley and Miss Blair had also tried the spicy meal, and they too were holding their stomachs and moaning. When the first cramps hit, Gary surreptitiously swallowed one of his Ultra-Pills, and made himself invulnerable. Clark was torn; the bacteria or spices could not hurt his invulnerable digestive tract, but he was afraid it would look suspicious if he did not join the line. On the other hand, he would not be able to ‘produce’ if he did, so he decided to put a bold face on his immunity.
By the time they got to Gotham City, only nine teen-agers were still able to walk upright. Pete and Chuck had not eaten the Mexican food, Gary’s invulnerability had killed the foreign bacteria, and Clark of course had no symptoms. Likewise Sharon, Phyllis, Marie, Lana Lang and a girl named Gloria Banks had passed on the special of the day, and so were able to help the others with their bags. Gary made quite a show of using his super-strength to carry large quantities of luggage.
“You wouldn’t think it from a little truck stop in the middle of nowhere,” Chuck joked, “but that was a real authentic Mexican meal!”
Chapter 3. Night Life
When all the kids were in their rooms, and most had gone to bed, Mr. Pursley gripped Clark’s shoulder and said, “Kent, I’m putting you in charge. Make sure that none of these kids get into any trouble!’
“Yes, sir,” Clark replied sincerely. And he did mean it, although had he been successful this would have been a much shorter story. Pursley tottered away to the elevator, and Gary cheered.
“We’re loose, in Gotham City, at night, with no chaperon!’ he exclaimed.
“Yes, and you’re going to bed, too,” Clark said sternly. “And in your own room. Since both Ed and Annie are down with the trots, there won’t be any room-switching.” And despite some grumbling, the Legion and the other teens went docilely off to their rooms.
“Okay, Clark,” Pete said as soon as they were in their room. “I’ve got the address of this place called the Spiderweb. It’s one of Gotham City’s best ‘gay bars’. Come on, we’ll have a great time.”
“No, Pete,” Clark said. “You heard Mr. Pursley. I’m in charge, and I have to set an example for the others. No sneaking off.”
“Okay,” Pete said, and handed Clark a card. “Here’s the address, if you change your mind.” With that Pete opened the window and stepped outside. They were on the fifth floor, but the magnetic power of his Cosmic Cuffs allowed him to float down to the alley behind the hotel. Clark looked out the window in horror. He knew he could reach Pete, either by flying or by using super-speed, but how to do either without revealing to Pete that he was actually Superboy? (Clark did not know that Pete knew his secret identity, and was counting on the fact that Clark would have to conceal it to lure him into following.)
Slamming the window shut, Clark ran out into the hall, closed and locked the door, and then ran down the stairs as fast as he dared. By the time he reached the street Pete was gone, tucked into a passing cab. Using his super-speed, Clark ran after him to the address on the card. In front of the Spiderweb, Pete was paying off the driver when Clark appeared and grabbed his arm. “Get in the cab,” he ordered. “We’re going back to the hotel.”
“My, that was fast,” Pete said, turning away from the taxi.
“I caught the next cab, and had it let me off a block back,” Clark said, thinking quickly.
“Cool,” Pete said, watching his cab drive away. “Well, come on.” He turned and went into the bar, showing his fake id to the man at the door.
“Pete, stop,” Clark ordered, following. He was stopped at the door by the bouncer wanting to see ID. Grimacing, Clark pulled out his ‘Chuck Kendall’ ID and showed it to the doorman. A moment later, for the first time in his life, Clark was enjoying the forbidden pleasures of a bar that catered exclusively to the homosexual male.
Chapter 4. A Night in Hell
Mere seconds after Clark left the hotel, Gary and Phyllis reached the bottom of the stairs leading to the lobby. They casually walked toward the door, and stepped outside. Within minutes they were joined by Marie dragging a resisting Sharon.
“For God’s sake, loosen up for once in your life,” Marie was scolding. “Have some fun. Have an adventure.”
“I’m a super-hero,” Sharon whined. “I’ve already had lots of adventures. I want to go home.”
“God, what a baby!” Marie exclaimed. “You are going to have fun tonight if it kills you.” Marie did not realize how prophetic her words nearly were.
Meanwhile Gary approached the doorman, and slipped him a dollar bill. “Where can four young people, all over 21, have some fun around here.”
The doorman grinned. “If you’re looking for a real good time, try the Realm of Darkness. Two blocks east, two blocks south. No sign over the door, but there’s a red light in the window behind the door.”
“Thank you, my good man,” Gary said patronizingly. He hurried over to the girls and repeated the directions. Nobody noticed the doorman’s grin, which was somehow sinister as he pocketed the bill.
Hurrying through the streets, the four teens followed the directions and found themselves before an unassuming door lit by a red light. Taking a deep breath, Gary pushed it open, and led the girls into what at first seemed like the pits of Hell. The club was decorated in red and black, a color scheme echoed by the patrons. The women all seemed to prefer really dark red lipstick, and some of the men may have been using it, too. The club was dimly lit, and the patrons cast eerie shadows on the flame-painted walls. Music was playing somewhere, and some of the customers were dancing to its slow, erotic beat.
They found a table, and a waitress in an extremely low-cut dress came to take their order. Gary ordered a rum and coke, Phyllis wanted a mai tai, and Marie decided on a frozen daiquiri. As usual, Sharon was obstinate, and wanted a non-alcoholic drink. The waitress suggested a ‘Shirley Temple’, and Sharon agreed.
It is sometimes amazing how important little things can be. Sharon’s drink came with a cherry on top, and as a result the four teen-agers escaped with their lives. But I’m foreshadowing.
“Look,” Phyllis whispered. “On the dance floor, dancing with that guy with the goatee. Isn’t that Lana Lang?”
The others giggled. “She must have slipped out, too. Come on, Phyllis,” Gary said, “let’s give her a scare.” He led his girlfriend to the dance floor, and they began to dance. As they did so, Gary steered Phyllis over next to Lana. He poked her with his finger and said, “Busted!”
Lana jumped a foot, and then recognized her friends. “Hi,” she said. “This is Enrique. Doesn’t he dance divinely?”
“I thought you were saving yourself for Superboy,” Phyllis replied with a grin.
“Oh, I am,” Lana replied. “Just not tonight.”
Chapter 5. At the Spiderweb
Gay bars in the 1950’s were not what they are today. For one thing, disco had not yet appeared, and so the music was much more subdued. Similarly, the Stonewall Riots and Gay Liberation were still in the future, and the police frequently harassed gay bars and their patrons. Bars fell into two main categories, the Drag Club, where female impersonators provided entertainment, and the darker, sleazier establishments where men met to meet other men, and relieve their pent-up frustrations. The Spiderweb fell into the second category.
When Clark followed Pete into the bar, his super-vision kicked in immediately to compensate for the darkness in the bar, relieved only by small wall fixtures that did little to provide illumination. A second later, Clark forced his vision to retreat to human norms. He had already seen too much.
Closest to the door, two men were kissing and pawing each other. Their hands roamed to places that Clark considered best touched in private. A little further in, two other men were rubbing their bodies against each other, apparently committing frottage in public.
Pete returned from the bar, carrying two beers in bottles. He handed one to Clark, and began peering around in the darkness. The bar was T-shaped, with the door being in the downstroke of the tee. Pete took Clark’s free hand and led him further into the place. The further back they went, the less inhibited the clientele seemed. On one side of the room, a man squatted on the floor, while three other men stood facing him. As Clark watched, one stepped back, adjusted his trousers, and wandered off. He was replaced by another man who had evidently been waiting. Another man was sitting on the lap of his companion, and based on the way they were moving, their clothing had been rearranged to facilitate their activities.
At this point Clark took the lead, mainly to keep from bumping into the men in the darkness, or worse, tripping over them. Pete was glad to let Clark go first, knowing that his friend was using super-vision to see their path. The further back they went, the more crowded the bar became, and eventually they had to push between men to make any progress. Pete jumped as an unfamiliar hand slid down the back of his trousers and put pressure on his ass.
The two boys found an empty spot on a bench, close under one of the puny lights. It provided them with some safety, since most of the action seemed to avoid the light. Clark put his arm around Pete and drew him close, giving him an open-mouthed kiss. Then each went back to trying to scope out the action that was happening in the darkness around them. Clark found it disgusting and degenerate, but also extremely exciting.
Suddenly Clark stiffened (opportunity for pun omitted) and said to Pete, “Great Scott! I see somebody we know!” He indicated a table under a light across the room, where a very handsome and well-dressed young man was making two other men laugh. Suddenly the young man caught Clark’s eye, and he straightened, too. Then he said something to his companions, picked up his drink, and started for the Smallville youths.
“He looks familiar, but I can’t quite place him,” Pete said.
“Don’t you remember when Dr. Thomas Wayne lived in Smallville? That’s his son, Bruce!” Clark had some very vivid memories of Bruce Wayne, specifically how Bruce had discovered his secret identity on behalf of Lana Lang, but had hypnotically forgotten it when Superboy used his time telescope to reveal that he and Bruce would someday fight crime together as Superman and Batman. Bruce had also taken on the secret identity of the Flying Fox to help capture some crooks, which was ironic since a flying fox is a kind of bat.
Chapter 6. Sharon makes her own fun.
Back at the Realm of Darkness, Sharon and Marie sat watching the dancers. Then a dark handsome young man appeared at the table. “Hello,” he said. “I’m Dennis St. Clair. I saw you two sitting alone and thought you might like some company.”
“We’re not alone,” Sharon said, “we’re with each other.”
“Shut up, Sharon,” Marie hissed, and then turned her brightest smile on Dennis. “I’m Marie Elkins, and this is my friend Sharon Vaughn.”
“You’re from out of town, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Sharon said desperately, hoping to discourage him. “We’re from Smallville, Kansas. We’re here on the Smallville High School senior class trip.”
Marie kicked Sharon hard under the table, and added brightly, “We’re teachers. All the kids are safely tucked in bed, so we decided to come out and sample Gotham’s night life.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place,” Dennis said, smiling. If he didn’t believe that the two girls were teachers, nothing in his attitude gave it away. “Would you like to dance?”
“I’d love to,” Marie said before Sharon could say anything. “Let’s go.” She left the table and slipped easily into Dennis’ arms on the dance floor. Sharon winced, and looked around the tavern. She noticed that the walls were lined with booths curtained for privacy, and as a man led his partner into the booth she saw that they were furnished with a low table and a sofa.
“How convenient,” she thought with a shudder, and began to fish for the cherry at the bottom of her glass. A shadow fell over the table, and she looked up to see a handsome blonde man with an ingratiating grin.
“Hi,” he said. “I’m Mike. I saw you sitting all alone, and thought you might like some company. Is this your first time at the Realm of Darkness.”
“Yes,” Sharon said shortly, still fishing for the cherry. As the waitress walked by, she said, “Excuse me, could I have a spoon, please?” Without a word the waitress drew a spoon of dubious cleanliness from a pocket of her apron and tossed it on the table. (That spoon is now enshrined in the Superboy Museum of Smallville, in the Legion of Super-Vandals Room, as “the spoon that saved the Super-Vandals.”)
“Let me buy you another drink,” Mike said genially. He motioned to the waitress, pointed at Sharon’s empty glass, and gave a big wink that was not noticed by Sharon. Had she drunk it, she would have found it a lot stronger than her first drink. But instead she was rubbing the spoon against her sleeve, trying to rid it of the top layer of germs. She held it up and looked at her reflection, then returned to polishing it.
“Would you like to dance?” Mike asked.
“N-no, thank you,” Sharon said. “I don’t dance.”
“Religious reasons?” Mike asked.
“Yes,” Sharon said positively. “I’m Amish.”
“Amish? In that green dress?”
“Green Amish,” Sharon added. “We think black is a very worldly color.” She motioned to the dance floor. “See what I mean.
Chapter 7. Law and Disorder
Bruce Wayne sat down on the bench next to Clark, and whispered, “Well, Clark Kent, as I live and breathe. What are you doing in a sleazy bar in Gotham City? And who’s your friend?”
“This is Pete Ross,” Clark replied. “I don’t think you two had any classes together. We’re here on our Senior Trip, but everybody got food poisoning, so we slipped out. Pete, this is Bruce Wayne.”
“Are you a couple?” Bruce asked.
“Yep,” Clark said, pulling Pete closer.
“Wow. We’ve all come a long way since junior class,” Bruce chuckled.
“Yeah,” Clark agreed. “Hey, I heard about your parents. Bad stuff, that. Sorry.” Bruce’s parents had been killed by a robber the year before.
Bruce shrugged. “It’s not over,” he said grimly. Then he lightened up. “Would you guys like to come back to my place? It’s a lot more private, and it’s easier to choose who you’re doing what to.”
Pete and Clark exchanged glances, and then Clark said nervously, “Hey, sounds like fun.” The three stood up, and at that moment the lights came on, and a voice shouted, “Police! This is a raid! Nobody move.”
“Oh, Fuck,” Pete groaned. “We are so busted!”
“No, we’re not!” Clark contradicted. He activated the dial on his belt, and then pulled Pete and Bruce close to him, so that they were within its invisibility field. “Be real quiet, and don’t move, and they won’t know we’re here.”
Meanwhile, the men in the room were quickly putting their clothing back together in order to look as innocent as they could. But one poor young guy had lost his trousers, and before he could retrieve them a very angry-looking policeman grabbed him and pulled him to his feet.
“Hey there, Cinderella,” the cop snarled. “Looks like midnight came a little early. Come on, let’s go. The wagon’s waiting.”
“Let me get my pants,” the boy moaned, but the cop found his bare-assed predicament amusing. He pulled out his gun and jabbed it in the boy’s ribs. “Move it, faggot,” he snarled, and started to push the boy toward the door. Then Pete Ross intervened. Using the magnetic power of his Cosmic Cuffs, he ‘grabbed’ the gun and pointed it toward the ceiling. Then he pulled the trigger, and a bullet crashed into the ceiling. The customers screamed, and the naked boy scrambled away while the cop danced with his recalcitrant gun.
“Kelso,” another cop yelled. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing. Put the gun away. These fairies aren’t going anywhere.” Irritated, Bruce fished a piece of ice out of his drink and skillfully tossed it across the floor. The second cop, moving toward Kelso, stepped directly on it, and a moment later crashed heavily onto his back. During the hubbub, Clark used his super-vision to find the missing trousers and super-breath to deliver them to the boy with the bare bottom. Gratefully he scrambled into them, and joined the exodus of men hurrying to the door of the club while the police were wrestling with Kelso’s magic gun. By the time they ‘got it under control’, the bar was empty except for two bartenders and the three invisible boys against the wall, who were having all they could do to keep from bursting into laughter.
Chapter 8. A Fast Exit
Sharon idly polished her spoon by blowing on it, rubbing it, and glaring at it while Mike kept up a steady flow of conversation intended to lull her suspicions. Abruptly she looked over the top of it and said, “Mike, you’ve been a lot of fun, but I have to go now. I hope I never see you again.” With that she slid out of her chair, gathered all the girls’ pocketbooks, and started across the room. She grabbed Gary by the arm and whispered savagely, “It’s time to go. We need to leave – NOW. Come over here.” She literally dragged him off the floor and over to the side, while Phyllis followed.
“Damn it, Sharon,” Gary said, “we’re just trying to have some fun – what’s the matter?” Something in her tone had gotten through to him. She positioned herself so that the other two were between her and the dancers, and then held up the spoon. “Look!” she demanded.
“It’s a spoon,” Gary said condescendingly, and Phyllis added helpfully, “an iced tea spoon.”
“Don’t look AT it,” Sharon snarled. “Look INTO it. Look at the dancers out on the dance floor.”
“Sharon,” Gary said kindly, “people always look distorted in the bowl of a spoon,” he looked over his shoulder at the dance floor, then back at its reflection, then back at the dance floor, then back at the spoon. “I don’t get it,” he said.
Phyllis took the spoon and went through the same actions. Then she looked at Sharon and said, “Okay, I give up. There are eight people dancing, but I can only see four in the spoon. What gives?”
“Don’t you see,” Sharon said. “They’re vampires! They don’t reflect in mirrors or spoons or anything. We’re in a vampire bar!”
“Oh, brother,” Gary said. “You’re right. It’s time to go. Phyllis, go get Marie. I’ll get Lana – where the hell is Lana.” The red-haired girl and her dark-complected escort were missing.
“Oh, no,” Sharon groaned. “She must be in one of the private booths.”
Gary used his ultra-vision to look into the first booth. “Oh, yuck!” he exclaimed. The next booth was empty, but the third booth… suddenly there was a blur, and Sharon was standing alone as Gary ran with super-speed into the booth. A moment later there was a crash, and Gary came flying out backward, tearing the curtains down as he did so. To Sharon’s horror, shared by Marie and Phyllis, Lana Lang was lying on the sofa in the private booth, while a tall, dark bearded man leaned over her, his mouth pressed to her throat. Enrique was ‘standing guard’, and with incredible strength had ejected Gary. Gary, however, sprang to his feet and stomped back into the booth, where with one punch he sent Enrique crashing through the wall into the next booth. The bearded man tried to stop him, and was slapped aside. Gary picked up Lana’s unconscious body and strode toward the door. Phyllis, Sharon and Marie fell in behind him.
“Watch my back,” he ordered, and there was a tremor of fear in his voice. “I’m super-strong right now, so that I can hold Lana and take care of anyone who wants to stop us. But that means I’m vulnerable and slow.”
“We’ve got your back, honey,” Phyllis told him. With the three girls following, watching for any movement on the part of the bar’s clientele, he strode to the door of the bar. As he did so the black-bearded man rose from the floor of the booth, pointed at them, and shouted, “Stop them!” Without missing a beat Gary kicked out at the closed door, which immediately flew off its hinges into the street. The Smallville five made their exit as the vampires began to pursue.
Chapter 9. Battle Joined
The two bartenders cleaning up the Spiderweb were astonished to see three teen-aged boys suddenly appear from nowhere. When Clark deactivated the invisibility belt, it was like a signal to the three to begin guffawing. Gleefully they reminded each other and the bartenders of the looks on the cops’ faces, the fast exit of the bare-assed lad, and other salient moments. The bartenders were not so approving at having three apparently under-aged youths appear in the raided bar, and quickly swept them out onto the street along with the other debris. With tears of laughter pouring down their faces, they staggered through the street toward Bruce’s car, a long black Cadillac Coupe DeVille with tinted windows and large tail-fins.
To the Smallville boys’ surprise, Bruce opened the back door and gestured for them to jump in. Pete scrambled in, and then Bruce followed, to ensure that he was in the middle. When they got in, they found that the driver’s seat was already occupied by a small, elderly man. “Home, Alfred,” Bruce ordered. “This has been a wonderful evening so far; let’s see if we can top it.” He put his arms around the other boys’ shoulders, pulling them close.
“Your butler sits out here in the dark waiting for you to pick up tricks and take them home?” Pete wondered out loud.
“I assure you I am quite occupied,” Alfred said from the front seat. “I use the time to catch up on my reading, using a small light on the dashboard.”
“Thank you, Alfred,” Bruce said. “Now, window up!” At his command the butler pressed a switch, and a dark glass panel rose between the driver’s seat and the back seat. As it did so, Bruce pulled first Clark and then Pete closer for long kisses. Clark rested his hand on Bruce’s leg, and found that the Gothamite was showing definite signs of enjoying the evening. Unzipping Bruce’s pants, Clark pulled out the indicator and showed it to Pete, who whistled appreciatively. Silently the car pulled away from the curb, while Bruce’s tongue explored Clark’s mouth and Pete’s hand applied pressure to Bruce’s exposed member.
Abruptly the car slowed, and Alfred’s voice was heard on an intercom. “There appears to be some trouble ahead,” he said. “A street riot, by the looks of it. We will have to take an alternate route home.”
Clark looked out the window at the people fighting in the street, and shouted, “Stop the car! That’s Marie Elkins! And there’s Gary Crane! Jesus Christ! He’s carrying Lana Lang. What’s going on?” The car slowed to a stop, and Pete and Clark burst from the doors on either side. Bruce quickly followed.
Chapter 10: The Cavalry Arrives
Just before the black car arrived, the four members of the Legion of Super-Vandals were swarmed by the undead bar patrons. One grabbed Sharon’s arm, but she used the oldest trick in the shrinking hero’s book: she shrank to tiny size, and as he bent over to look, she held her fists above her head and quickly resumed her normal size. The blow from her fists, accelerated by the growth process, rocked him back on his heels. Another grabbed Marie, and tried to pull her head back for a quick bite. Suddenly there were two Maries, and the one not in his grasp began pummeling his head. A third vampire sprang toward Phyllis, who was backed against the wall. But of course he passed through her insubstantial body, crashed into the wall, and fell back cursing.
Gary was in trouble, and was greatly perplexed. He could only use one of his Ultra-powers at a time, and he was currently using ultra-strength, to carry Lana and shake off any vampires. Ultra-speed would be useful, to get out of the danger zone, but he didn’t want to leave his comrades. Invulnerability would have come in useful, to prevent the creatures from injuring him, but then they would be able to bowl him over, and take Lana away. And then a vampire jumped on his back, and went for his jugular. He changed to invulnerability just in time, but the weight of the girl and the vampire were almost more than he could handle. He stayed on his feet with the greatest difficulty. But one of the Maries, coming to his aid to pull the vampire off, was adding even more weight, and Gary slipped to one knee. Then a handsome, blonde-haired vampire (Sharon’s Mike, as a matter of fact) leaped completely over his head and landed in front of him, arms outstretched to prevent his passage.
And then, to the surprise of the Smallville quartet, a perky blonde pony-tailed girl, wearing a black leather jacket, dropped from the ledge above them, behind Mike. “Hey, vamp,” she snarled. “How about a piece of this?” As Mike turned to face her, she leaped forward and stabbed him in the chest with an object in her hand. To Gary’s horror and delight, Mike’s eyes bulged and his mouth dropped open – and then he crumbled into a cloud of dust and bone fragments that fell to the sidewalk to be blown away by the wind.
“Here, honey,” the blonde cried to Marie, tossing her the weapon. “I’ve got plenty more.” She proved her words by drawing another object from a bandoleer over her coat. Marie found that the object was a sharp wooden implement, a stake. Grinning, she stabbed the vampire on Gary’s back, driving the wooden prong under the creature’s arm and through its rib-cage. Like Mike, it crumbled into dust. She whirled, and found that a female vampire was driving Marie2 to the ground. She quickly jumped on the woman’s back, and drove the stake into her heart. The blonde girl was doing the same to Dennis St. Clair, while Gary was back on his feet and staggering toward the hotel. The phantom Phyllis was being attacked from two sides, but since they passed right through her the vampires ended up attacking each other. The blonde girl drew another stake and tossed it to Phyllis, but since she was insubstantial it passed through her and clattered against the sidewalk. At that moment a black Cadillac pulled up, and three boys jumped out of the back seat. Reinforcements, but for which side?
“Hooray,” Phyllis shouted. “It’s Pete and Clark!” As she said that Clark disappeared, while Pete stretched out his arms, pointing at a vampire wearing a jacket with a lot of metal, and sent it hurtling into a lamp post. The third boy ran at the building, jumped, somersaulted off the wall, and kicked two vampires in the head as he landed lightly on his feet.
Clark was having his usual dilemma. His personal code forbade him to take any form of life. But did vampires, being already dead, count as living? He might have fretted about it all night, but then a vampire jumped on Pete and bore him to the ground. It never saw the invisible shoe that kicked out at its head, smashing in its skull. A second later, Pete was covered with old dust and bone.
And then the most horrible thing of all happened. A woman vampire seized Sharon by the hair, and pulled her backward to expose her throat. Sharon shrank, as usual, but the vampiress did not let go, and the tiny girl swung by her hair from the creature’s grasp. “Mmmm,” the woman sighed. “A little tiny mouse. I like mice.” She grinned. Then she tilted her head back, opened her mouth, lifted Sharon, and dropped her directly into her mouth. The tiny girl screamed with terror as she fell past those horrible fangs into the dark, blood-stinking cavity of the vampire’s throat.
Chapter 11: Melee at Midnight
Sharon was panic stricken as she slid along the vampiress’ tongue and down her gullet. She did the only thing she could think of… she reverted to her normal size. To the onlookers, it appeared that the vampire woman’s head exploded, and then a full-sized Sharon Vaughn fell to the ground amidst a shower of vampire dust. Sharon was completely hysterical, kneeling on the ground and flailing ineffectually at no target.
“Sharon,” Clark cried, trying to break through her panic. “It’s me, Clark. You’re all right. You’re safe. Hold out your hand; I’ll grab you and make you invisible, too.” Sharon hesitantly held out one hand, and Clark grabbed it and pulled her to him. As he held her against his chest he felt her shrinking again. She crawled up his sweater to perch on his shoulder.
“I can’t do any more,” she wailed into his ear. “Make them go away!”
“Don’t worry,” Clark said. “We’ve got them on the run.” He was right. The blonde girl was doing incredible work against the vampire horde, grabbing them and hurling them, kicking and punching with amazing effect, and always ending the battle by staking them. Gary, holding Lana closely, stared intently at one of the vampires (Enrique, as a matter of fact), and it suddenly burst into flame. It seemed Gary must have used his flash vision to incinerate it. Both Maries were back-to-back, and each had a stake. Vampires continued to grab at the insubstantial Phyllis, and during their confusion at being unable to grab her they were easy victims for the Maries and the blonde girl. Pete used his magnetic powers to turn everyday objects such as trash cans and mail boxes into flying weapons. From the doorway of the bar the black-bearded vampire suddenly gave the order to retreat, and the remaining vampires scattered in every direction. The Super-Vandals had won, but they still felt in danger from the host of undead around them.
“Quick,” Clark yelled. “Into the car.” He made himself visible so that the Vandals would know what he meant, and then jumped into the front seat beside Alfred. Gary carrying Lana dived into the car, followed by Phyllis. The two Maries joined into one girl and jumped into the car, followed by the blonde girl. Pete was the last to leap into the car and slam the door.
“Quick, Alfred,” Clark cried. “Get us out of here. We need to get Lana to a hospital.”
“No,” the blonde girl contradicted. “A hospital can’t help her, and they will ask questions we can’t answer. You have a hotel room?” When Clark nodded, she said, “That’s where we need to go, and I’ll explain everything.”
Alfred looked over his shoulder at the group in the back seat and demanded, “Where is Master Bruce?”
“Oh, no,” Clark cried. “We must have lost him!” He scanned the area with his x-ray vision, without success. “I can’t see him anywhere!”
“Neither can I,” Gary replied, “and I’m using my Penetra-vision. The vampires are gone.”
“Don’t worry, Alfred,” Clark said. “We’ll find him and rescue him. It’s what we do. For now, head for the hotel.”
Reluctantly the faithful family retainer threw the Cadillac into gear and sped off through the night.
Chapter 12. On the Habits of Vampires
When they reached the hotel, Clark took off his invisibility belt and strapped it around Gary’s waist. Gary turned the dial and disappeared. Then he lifted Lana, who also disappeared. “Okay, gang, make a circle around Gary so that nobody bumps into him,” Clark ordered. He led the way into the hotel. The doorman opened the door for them, and smiled ingratiatingly.
“Did your group enjoy the Realm of Darkness,” he said with a smirk.
“Oh, yes,” Marie replied. “It was an experience we’ll never forget.” With that she jammed the stake she was still carrying deep into his chest. A look of shock came over his face, quickly replaced by the deterioration that the group had become used to. Only his doorman’s hat remained, rolling on the sidewalk as the group passed.
“How did you know he was a vampire?” Pete asked.
“I didn’t,” Marie said. “He just had it coming, for sending us to a vampire bar.”
“Why do their clothes disintegrate with them?” Phyllis asked.
“It’s very scientific,” the blonde girl replied with an air of superiority, “and very supernatural. The chemical reactions when a vampire’s body disintegrates generates a high degree of supernatural heat, incinerating everything.” The Super-Vandals looked at her askance as they stepped into the elevator. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said testily. “It just does, okay? I never thought to ask Mr. Shirley about it.”
“Who is Mr. Shirley?” Clark asked. “For that matter, who are you.” The little group got off on the fourth floor, and followed Marie to her room. Sharon jumped down from Clark’s shoulder and regained her normal size.
“I’m Betty Cooper, from Riverdale,” the girl replied. “I’m the Slayer.”
“THE Slayer? Not A slayer?” Marie asked.
“Yes, THE Vampire Slayer,” Betty said. “There’s only one in the world at a time, and for now I’m it. It came to me because Riverdale is on an interdimensional nexus called the Hell’s Asshole.”
“Eww,” said Sharon. “Couldn’t you have found a nicer name?”
“Hell’s Asshole is perfect,” Betty said. “Nasty, slimy, smelly things come out of it all the time.”
“Okay, you’re off metaphor duty,” Marie said. “Tell us what you’re doing in Gotham City, and what we need to do to rescue Bruce and save Lana.”
Betty sighed. “My boyfriend, Archie Andrews, has been ‘sired’ by a vampire in the same way your friend Lana has. He’s in the hospital in Riverdale, but all they can do is keep him alive. If he dies while the vampire who sired him is still alive, he will rise again as a vampire, and I’ll have to stake him.” She looked down and brushed away a tear.
“Who sired him?” Marie asked.
“A vampire named Radu Lupescu. He’s over 400 years old. He’s tall and dark, with a spade beard. That was him in the doorway, commanding the others. When I kill him, Archie will come out of his coma.”
“What a nice coincidence,” Marie said. “Lupescu’s the one who bit Lana, too. So when we kill him, we’ll save both your boyfriend and our schoolmate.”
“Easier said than done,” Betty said. “Lupescu has had four centuries of experience in avoiding Slayers.”
“Too bad for him he doesn’t have experience avoiding the Legion of Super-Vandals,” Gary returned.
Chapter 13. Returning to the Scene of the Crime
“Okay, what next?” Pete asked.
“I think we should go back to the Realm of Darkness and explore,” Betty said. “It’s honeycombed with secret passages, which explains how they managed to disappear.”
“Okay,” Marie said. “Gary can use his vision powers to delve into the place, and Phyllis can walk through walls, avoiding the whole secret passage thing completely. And in tiny size, Sharon can slip through cracks and mouseholes to explore.”
“Maybe your timid little friend should stay here and take care of Lana,” Betty suggested scornfully. “I’d hate to have her panic again in the heat of battle.”
The Vandals reacted quickly. Marie and Phyllis caught Sharon under the elbows even as her fists were doubling, lifted her and carried her into the bathroom. Clark slammed the door and stood in front of it, on guard. And from the looks he kept casting over his shoulder, it was clear he was more concerned about keeping someone in than keeping anyone out. “Look,” he said firmly, “Sharon is shy around strangers, but she’s one of the bravest Legionnaires. She tracked Vandal Savage to his lair solo, after he enslaved Superboy. And she tried single-handedly to keep a submarine from sliding into a ravine, even though it was useless. I think being swallowed by a vampire is traumatic enough to excuse a moment of panic.”
Betty looked around at the solemn faces of the three boy Legionnaires, and then walked to the bathroom door and, over Clark’s shoulder, knocked on it sharply. “Sharon! Marie! Phyllis! Come on! We’ve got some serious vampire butt-kicking to do, and we’re wasting moonlight.” She turned and strode out of the door, while the boys exchanged approving glances.
Soon the Legion of Super-Vandals plus Betty the Vampire Slayer were back in Bruce’s limo, being driven to the scene of their previous fight. Clark was in the front seat with Alfred, Gary and Betty were perched on jump-seats behind the driver’s seat, and Phyllis, Sharon, Pete and Marie were crammed into the passenger seat. Now that they were not hampered by the need to rescue Lana, they were ready to kill vampires. Even Clark had managed to rationalize around his code against killing.
“Okay, the first thing we need is a plan,” Betty said.
“Why?” asked Sharon. “Are you trying to make God laugh?”
Betty looked at her for a moment, then laughed herself. “Good one, short stuff.”
“We have a plan,” Marie said. “1. Gary, Phyllis and Sharon locate Lupescu. 2. You stake him. 3. We rescue Bruce. Short and sweet. What could go wrong?” Seven hands, including one from Alfred, were raised. Marie snorted and said, “Skip it.”
When they reached the Realm of Darkness they found that the door had been replaced and boarded over. Gary began glaring with his Ultra-Vision (and Clark with his super-vision, although no one knew), while Phyllis became insubstantial and started for the door. Then they heard a call from above. Looking up, they saw Lupescu himself, leaning out a third-floor window. “Well, well, if it isn’t the children, back for another lesson. Were you looking for me, by any chance?”
Using his ultra-speed for flight, Gary rose toward the window. Pete used his magnetism for the same purpose. But as they reached the window, Lupescu jerked on a chain, and pulled Bruce Wayne into the window. “Or maybe you were looking for my new pet.” Bruce was bare-chested, with a leather collar around his throat attached to Lupescu’s chain. As the Legionnaires watched in horror, Bruce distorted into a monstrous caricature of his usual handsome face. He slashed out at Gary, scoring his face and stunning him. As he dropped toward the ground, Pete caught him. “Sorry we can’t stay to play,” Lupescu shouted, “but I need to put my newest dog on guard with the others. Later, dear kiddies.” He disappeared from the window, and Clark discovered that the walls of the room had been painted with a thick lead paint that obscured his super-vision.
Chapter 14. An Alternate Source of Information
Bruce remained at the window, snarling at the heroes, and Betty quickly snapped a stake into her hand and hurled it at the boy. But Clark was quicker, knocking her hand aside so that the sharp wooden knife only thudded into the window frame. Bruce’s chain tightened, and he was pulled away.
“Damn it, Kent,” Betty snarled, “I had him.”
“That’s my friend Bruce,” Clark snarled back. “You would have killed him.”
“It’s the only thing to do,” she replied. “He’s converted. He’s one of them now. There’s no going back; the only thing to do is to stake him.”
“Isn’t there any way to change him back,” Sharon asked.
“Not according to Mr. Shirley,” Betty answered.
“Who IS this Mr. Shirley you keep talking about?” Marie demanded.
“He’s my Watcher. He follows me around, gives me advice and combat tips, tells me what to do. In Riverdale, he’s always beside me.”
“Have you considered a restraining order?” Marie asked.
Before Betty could answer, Bruce’s butler Alfred interrupted. “Ahem. If I might make a suggestion. There is another source of information we might try. She might have a suggestion about a way to restore Master Bruce.”
Eagerly Clark turned to him. “Who is she?” he demanded. “What does she know? Where is she?”
Modestly, Alfred replied, “Whenever Master Bruce has a problem of supernatural origin, he takes his troubles down to Madam Rue, the Gypsy lady with the gold-capped tooth. She has a pad, as the beatniks would say, down at 34th and Vine…”
“What does she do?” Clark asked.
“Sells potions and spells, mainly,” Alfred replied. “I really must insist. It may be the only chance Master Bruce has!” Quickly he shoved the adventurers into the car, and burned rubber as he accelerated for the home of the well-known seer.
Madame Rue’s shop was an unprepossessing storefront with crystal balls, tarot cards and pseudo-mystic books in the window. As they entered the shop a bell over the door rang, and then they pushed their way through beaded curtains. Even though it was after midnight, the old woman was still open for business, and was in the process of selling something to a stout young man.
“Chuck Taine!” Marie squealed. “What are you doing here?”
“Me? Uh… nothing. Just… you know… shopping… checking things out… you know…”
“Mr. Pursley is going to have my balls,” Clark moaned. “EVERYBODY snuck out.”
“That’s nice, Chubby,” Betty said to Chuck, “but we’ve got some serious business to discuss with the Gypsy. PRIVATE business. So just take your little bottle and beat it.” Chuck grabbed his purchase and pushed through the curtains. Betty waited until she heard the little bell ring as he shut the door, then turned to the Gypsy. “Okay,” she said, “Alfred here tells us you’re the expert on VAMPIRES!”
Chapter 15. The Circle of Virgins
“Vampires,” Madame Rue said. “What do you want to know about vampires?”
“A good friend of mine has been turned into a vampire,” Clark said. “I want to know if there’s a way to change him back.”
“Change a vampire back to a human? There is a way, but… it’s almost impossible. The vampire must be a great hero, a savior. And very few vampires want to do that. The process of siring a vampire separates it from its soul, and to do great deeds, a vampire must have a soul.”
“Vampires don’t have souls,” Betty stated flatly.
“There’s at least one that does,” Madam Rue cackled. “You must not have met him.”
“So, how does a vampire get his soul back?” Clark interrupted.
“There are three ways,” Madam Rue replied, “and each has its own difficulties. A Gypsy killed by a vampire can curse him with her dying breath, restoring his soul and making him realize what a horror he is.” The seven young people and Alfred stared at her hopefully. She met their gaze and said, “Forget it. Dying curse. Not interested.”
“Okay,” Clark said. “What’s method number two?”
“The vampire, for some reason, must want to get its soul back. It must undergo three very difficult tasks, and conquer, and then its wish may be granted. But it’s extremely unusual for a vampire to want to restore its soul. Usually they are quite happy being evil, spreading terror, and drinking the blood of the living.” She looked at the group and shrugged. “You probably want to know method three.” The group nodded expectantly. “Well, it may be the most difficult of all, because the components are very hard to come by. It requires three virgins to sit in a circle and perform a ritual calling back the soul of the vampire and containing it in a jar. But the vampire must never have tasted human blood, and the vampire’s sire must no longer be alive – undead, I should say.”
Marie looked around the group. “There’s a chance Bruce hasn’t tasted blood yet, and we’re out to kill Lupescu anyway. So all we need are three virgins! Everybody who’s still a virgin, hold up your hand.” She raised her hand aggressively, and Sharon held up hers, too. And that was all.
Phyllis shrugged, and hugged Gary’s arm. “Blame Gary,” she said. “It’s all his fault.”
“MY fault,” Gary gasped, but now Marie was looking at Betty.
“Sorry,” Betty said. “In my case, you can blame Archie and Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill wine.” A smile crossed her lips.
“What about boys?” Pete asked. “Do boys count as virgins if they’ve never been with a woman?”
Madam Rue looked at him knowingly and added, “Or other boys. It’s the act of penetration, the act of enjoying sexual congress with another human being – or animal, for that matter. Sheep fuckers don’t count as virgins, either.”
“Hey,” Sharon said, embarrassed.
“Oh, great,” Marie said, discouraged. “Where are we going to find another virgin at midnight in Gotham City?”
“How about me?” asked a voice from behind the beaded curtain.
Chapter 16. Chuck Taine to the Rescue
The curtain parted, and Chuck Taine came into the room. “I just opened and closed the door, and then hid behind the curtain. I wanted to know what you guys were up to. I’ve been a fan of the Legion of Super-Vandals ever since it was formed, and always hoped I could take part in an adventure with you.”
“Okay, fine,” Marie interrupted. “And you’re a virgin?” Chuck nodded, and Marie exclaimed, “Great! Now all we have to do is the ritual, plus killing Lupescu, plus keeping Bruce Wayne from drinking human blood. No problem!”
“No problem?” repeated several of the others, and there was a lot of irony in their voices.
“Okay, let’s get organized,” Marie said. “Chuck, Sharon and I will stay here and perform the ritual. The rest of you get out there and find Lupescu.”
Madam Rue was already laying out the supplies for the ritual: a rug with mystic patterns, scented candles, a fragile jar with a lid, and some pages from an ancient manuscript. She indicated where Marie, Chuck and Sharon were to sit, and shooed the others away. They stepped outside, and Betty demanded, “Okay, now where do we find Lupescu? HOW do we find Lupescu?”
Phyllis gasped and said, “I have an idea! Okay, nobody look, but there’s a couple at the end of the street who seem to be watching us. I think I remember them from the Realm of Darkness. Give me a minute to find out for sure if they’re vampires. If they are, we can make them tell us where Lupescu is.”
With that she faded to insubstantiality, and slipped through the wall of the building. A few minutes later she stepped out of the building, on the other side of the possible vampires, and hurried back toward the group. She passed directly through the watching couple to reach her comrades. “They’re vampires, all right,” she said. “When I phase through somebody, I can get an idea of their body temperature. Most people are around 98.6. Those two are in the 40’s.”
“Okay,” Gary said. “Let’s get ‘em.” With that he blurred, running at Ultra-Speed toward the couple, then using super-strength to grab them and frog-march them back to the group. When they realized they were taken, the pair threw off their guise of humanity and became snarling spitfires. But Gary had no trouble holding them at arm’s length while the others interrogated them.
Betty drew a stake, and casually slapped the female of the pair. “All right,” she said. “Let’s make this short and sweet. We want to know where Lupescu is, and where he’s taken our friend.”
The vampiress spat at Betty, and cursed. “Fuck you, cow-bitch,” she said. “By now Radu is back at his lair, waiting for tomorrow night to come after you and kill you. And the new boy is penned up with the dogs, waiting to see if he can get free before sunrise, to prove he is worthy to run with Radu. You’ll never find either of them.”
“No, no,” Betty remonstrated. “I don’t want to look for them, I want for you to tell me where they are.”
“Fuck you,” the woman snarled again.
“Back at you,” Betty said, and rammed the stake into the creature’s heart. A shower of bone and dust fell to the sidewalk, as the Slayer turned her attention to the male of the pair.
Chapter 17.
“Okay,” she said as she faced the man. “I’m developing a headache, and a very short attention span. Tell me where Radu Lupescu and Bruce Wayne are.” As the male hesitated, she added, “Phyllis, Pete, Clark. Start looking for vampires. If this one doesn’t talk, we’ll be needing some more to interrogate.”
Sputtering, the vampire said, “I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you. Lupescu is at his warehouse on the docks. 21 Jump Street. I don’t know where the boy is, just that he’s penned up where the sunrise will fry his ass if he doesn’t get free in time. It’s Lupescu’s initiation ritual.”
“Thank you very much,” Betty said. “You’ve been very helpful. Let him go, Gary.” Gary released the sniveling blood-sucker, who staggered off down the street. As she watched him, Betty suddenly cried, “Oh, wait, I forgot something.” The vampire turned to look. “I forgot to tell you I’d let you go if you told us. My bad.” With that she hurled the stake in her hand, which punctured the vampire’s chest. He looked down at the protruding handle with a look of surprise on his face, which vanished as his skin shriveled to dust and his skull fell free, to break into a million pieces on the sidewalk.
“You are one stone cold bitch,” Gary said to Betty.
“Thank you,” she replied, “but I already have a steady.”
Pete interposed here. “Gary and I can fly to the warehouse, and we can take carry you and Phyllis. I suggest we leave Clark here, to hunt for Bruce.”
“Good idea,” Clark exclaimed. He realized that if he were alone, he would be able to use his Kryptonian superpowers without fear of revealing his secret identity. He didn’t realize that Pete had also thought of that. “We’ll meet back here at Madam Rue’s, hopefully with a resouled Bruce.”
Phyllis giggled. “You make him sound like a shoe,” she snickered.
A moment later the heroes split up. As he watched the other four take to the air, Clark turned the dial on his invisibility belt. Then he flung himself into the air, unseen, to use his telescopic vision to hunt for his lost friend.
Inside Madam Rue’s shop, the three virgins read aloud in turn from the bits of manuscript that Madam Rue handed them. Each in turn read a part aloud, and as they did so a tiny spark of light appeared in the jar. Quickly Madam Rue capped the jar, while motioning for the trio to continue reading. As they did so, the spark grew brighter.
“Good, good,” Madam Rue wheezed. “The bright light is his soul. Watch it carefully. If it goes out, it means he has tasted human blood, and the ritual has been for naught. But if it flares, and shatters the jar, it means that Lupescu has been killed, and the boy’s soul is free to reinhabit his body.”
“And that will also mean that Lana and Archie are safe, if they haven’t died yet,” Marie said. “We should have left someone at the hotel, to keep an eye on Lana.”
“Yeah, to be her first victim if she turns,” Chuck added.
“Maybe she’ll bite Mr. Pursley,” Sharon said.
“Oh, Sharon, you always look on the bright side,” Marie retorted. And then the three sat back, to watch the bright spark of light in the jar, their hope for the enslaved orphan.
Chapter 18. 21 Jump Street
When the four heroes arrived by air, they found that 21 Jump Street was a warehouse with a corrugated iron door. Betty grabbed it, and easily slid it open thanks to her Slayer strength. Inside, eight vampires, including Radu Lupescu, sprang to their feet. “Well, well,” Lupescu said as the heroes entered. “Dessert.” With a single gesture, he sent his unholy horde charging at the quartet.
The one who attacked Phyllis was surprised that he could not touch her. He wasted several valuable minutes flailing at her, his hands passing through her phantom body. Meanwhile Betty pitched one into the air, sending him crashing into a pile of crates. While he recovered, she neatly staked the woman who attacked her next. Then she sprang forward and destroyed the one distracted by Phyllis.
Pete found a large sledgehammer on the floor, and used his magnetism to send it spinning through the air. “Hey, look,” he cried. “I’m Thor.”
“Well, tell Clark to use more lubricant,” Gary retorted. Super-strong, he had two vampires, a male and a female, by their throats, and he brought their heads crashing together. As he thrust a stake into the heart of the first one, Pete’s hammer whistled over his head to connect with the skull of one coming up behind him. “Thanks, Cosmic Boy,” Gary shouted. “Nice save.”
“Hey, do me a favor,” Pete called. “Break off the handle of that hammer about halfway down.” Gary did so, and used the broken-off end to stake the female vampire. The vampire that Pete had knocked down was rolling away and springing to his feet. Pete used his magnetic power to lift the sledgehammer and send it flying, broken handle first, into the creature’s chest.
“Look,” Phyllis cried, pointing out the door and eastward across the bay. “Sunrise!” The horizon was turning pink, and the very first rays of the sun were appearing across the water.
“Samiel! The door!” Lupescu screamed. One of the remaining vampires threw himself against the door, slamming it shut, and twisted the latch so that it would never open. Then Samiel threw himself on Pete Ross, knocking him to the floor. He grabbed Pete’s hair and forced his head back. But before he could sink his fangs into the boy’s throat, a solid Phyllis came up behind him and stabbed a stake into his heart. Pete was suddenly covered again with a fine mist of vampire dust. Shaking it off, he looked up in time to see the one that Betty had thrown into the crates. It was about to spring; with only seconds to act Pete pointed at him and mentally magnetically dispersed the iron in the creature’s blood in every direction. The vampire literally exploded in mid-leap.
Betty sprang at Lupescu, and slammed a stake against his chest. To her surprise, the stake shattered. Lupescu patted his chest, which gave off a metallic clang. “Armor,” he said, and then he backhanded the Slayer, sending her rolling across the room. The blow would have broken the neck of a lesser mortal. “Alas, I must leave you now,” Radu Lupescu said, stepping over to a trap door and opening it. But before he could drop through it, there was a blur in the air, and Gary Crane at Ultra-Speed knocked him aside. He grabbed the sire of the vampires, switching to Ultra-strength, and held him at arm’s length.
“A little help here,” Gary cried. When super-strong, he was not invulnerable, and Radu was kicking and clawing, determined to escape. Pete Ross was still lying on his back where Samiel had knocked him. He rolled onto his stomach and aimed a mighty magnetic charge toward the iron door. It ripped out of its frame with a scream of tortured metal, and went sailing across the bay into the sunrise. Radu Lupescu shrieked as the sunlight struck him. He writhed and twisted in Gary’s grasp as he began to smoke and then to burn. As the four teen-agers watched with awe, the four-hundred-year old terror that had been the lord of the vampires of Gotham City suddenly burst into flames. He continued to try to escape even as he was immolating, and Gary had to use all his will-power to hold on. The flames were burning him, too, but if he switched to invulnerability Lupescu might still twist loose and escape.
And then it was over. The four teens came together and hugged one another over the smoldering ashes that had been Radu Lupescu.
And in Marie Elkins’ hotel room, Lana Lang sat up in bed, puzzled, with no idea how she got there.
Chapter 19. Clark Kent versus the Vampire
As he soared high over Gotham City, Clark tried to decipher the clue he had been given. “Dogs. He’s penned up with dogs, where sunrise will get him. What does it mean? A kennel, maybe.” Using his amazing vision powers, he scanned kennel after kennel, without locating Bruce. “Okay, where else will you find penned-up dogs? Wait – maybe the dogs aren’t penned up, just Bruce. Like a junkyard.” Again his amazing vision powers scanned the city below, and this time he found an auto salvage yard on a hill overlooking the city. Junkyard dogs surrounded a metal cage, and a bare-chested human figure was inside, tearing at the bars.
Clark landed, and negated his invisibility field. “Hey, Bruce, how’s it going?” he asked. “Figure out how to get loose yet?” Bruce had torn off the leather collar and thrown it aside, but even with his superhuman vampiric strength he did not seem able to break or bend the bars of his cage.
“Clark,” he cried with relief. “Help me. I need to get out of here before sunrise.”
“No, no, that would be cheating,” Clark replied. “You’re supposed to be the world’s greatest detective. You figure it out.”
“What do you mean, world’s greatest detective?”
“Oops, I’m foreshadowing. I’ll explain later. For right now, you have to figure out how to escape from that cage.”
Bruce went back to work against the bars, kicking them savagely without effect. Clark sat down on the hood of one of the wrecked cars and watched him. Whenever one of the dogs came near him, he snarled at it in such a menacing way that it slunk away with its tail between its legs. It made him laugh.
Eventually Bruce stepped back to the middle of the cage and looked at the bars reflectively. Instead of hammering at them, he began testing them one at a time. Something clicked in his mind, apparently, because suddenly a broad smile covered his face. He took hold of two of the bars, and jerked upward. The entire cage lifted off the ground; it was only walls and a roof. He continued to lift until the cage toppled backward. Of course, he couldn’t have done it without vampiric strength, but having it made the problem no problem at all.
Clark clapped his hands vigorously. “Well done, Bruce,” he shouted. “I knew you could do it.”
Grinning, Bruce strode across the lot with his hand outstretched. Then in an instant his face changed, his brow lowered, his teeth extended, and he sprang on Clark, driving his fangs into the boy’s throat. At least, that was his plan. However, supernatural does not equal magical; he couldn’t penetrate Clark’s invulnerable skin. In fact, he hurt himself, and drew back with his own blood trickling from his mouth.
“What, are you made of iron?” he snarled.
“Most people say ‘steel’, actually,” Clark grinned. “I can also do this.” He drew his foot up against Bruce’s chest and kicked, sending the vampire sailing across the junkyard to crash into an old school bus. Then he slowly flew over to where Bruce was picking himself up.
“You – you’re SUPERBOY!” Bruce exclaimed.
“Got it! Good work,” Clark commended.
“What are you doing here?” the vampire demanded. “Are you here to kill me?”
“No, no, just the opposite,” Clark said, landing. “I’m here to prevent you from drinking human blood until a team of three virgins complete a ritual to restore your soul, and another group kills Radu Lupescu.”
“Virgins – ” Bruce said. “Mmm – sounds tasty.”
Chapter 21. Saving Bruce's Privates
Bruce resumed his normal facial appearance, and looked at Clark slyly. “Has it occurred to you that maybe I don’t want my soul back? Maybe I WANT to be evil, and to drink the blood of the living?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Clark said. “It’s out of your hands. WE want you to have a soul, and use your vampiric powers for the good of humanity.”
“Fuck humanity,” Bruce said. “In fact, I’d like to. Starting with you. And wallow in their blood.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. But for right now, we’d better start thinking about getting you to a dark and gloomy place. The sun is rising; you can just see it on the horizon.”
“How about a girl’s boarding school,” Bruce suggested. Clark just laughed.
(And in a dingy little magic shop in a slum of Gotham City, a fragile glass jar suddenly shattered, and a spark of light flashed away, amidst the cheers of the three teenagers and two adults watching.)
“There’s a cave system underneath this hill,” Clark said. “I’ll dig down using my super-speed to give you an escape route.” He dived into the ground, bored a hole into the caves, and then returned to the upper world in time to catch Bruce, who was running toward a bus stop where some early-morning workers were queued up.
“Hey, let me go,” Bruce said. “There’s a snack bar over there.”
Clark just grinned, and watched the tiny ball of light flying from Gotham City toward the junk yard. A moment later it struck Bruce and burrowed inside him. His eyes widened, and suddenly he screamed and fell to his knees. “NO!” he screamed. “NO! I won’t be a vampire. I won’t be a creature of the undead!”
“Not much we can do about that, I’m afraid,” Clark said regretfully. “You are what you are. But look on the bright side. You already possess incredible intelligence, and now it’s coupled with amazing strength and endurance. You can be a great force for fighting crime.’
“Yeah, and I’ll never see the sun again,” Bruce complained. “And I’ll never eat human food. Think of it, Clark – no more chocolate. I’d rather die.” With that he jumped to the top of the school bus and opened his arms, to embrace the rising sun. Clark was right behind him.
“And your parents’ deaths with go unavenged forever,” Clark said. “And hundreds of people will die because you weren’t there to save them. Bruce, I have seen the future. You and I will one day be the world’s finest crime-fighting team. It’s our destiny. Think about it. Think about it later, at Wayne Manor. For right now, we have to get you OUT OF THE SUN!” Bruce was beginning to smoke as the sun’s early rays touched him. Clark grabbed him around the waist and dived into the hole he had dug. A few minutes later, they stood in the darkness of a cave far underground.
“Where is this place?” Bruce wondered.
“Oddly enough, it connects with a complex of caves that include a huge one under Wayne Manor,” Clark told him. “A fitting hide-out for a vampire who must avoid the sun.”
“Yeah, this is what I’ve always dreamed of,” Bruce sneered. “Spending the rest of my life – eternal life – in a bat cave.”
“Good concept,” Clark said. “Work with it.”
Chapter 21. Good News Travels Fast
At Madam Rue’s magic shop, the bell over the door rang furiously as the four vampire slayers rushed in. “What happened?” they demanded. “How did the ritual go?”
“Terrific,” Marie replied excitedly. “The soul light came on, and when you killed Lupescu, the jar shattered and the light darted away. Madam Rue says that means Bruce hadn’t tasted human blood yet, so there’s still a chance for him. What about you? How did you kill Lupescu?”
“I hate to break up the Current Events session,” Betty said, “but I’ve got some unfinished business. Madam Rue, do you have a phone I can use?”
Madam Rue beckoned her into the living quarters behind the shop, where a Princess phone sat incongruously among Madam Rue’s fortune-telling apparatus. Betty’s finger spun the dial swiftly, and when an operator came on she said, “I want to make a long distance call to room 221 in Riverdale Hospital in Riverdale.” She quoted the number, and after a pause said, “Nurse Foster? This is Betty Cooper. I’m calling to check on Archie Andrews’ condition.” There was a longer pause, and then Betty squealed, “Archie! Archie, is that you? Honey, how are you? How do you feel? You’re good? That’s wonderful. I’ll be home in a few hours, and I can’t wait to see you! Who? Veronica’s there?” Betty’s voice changed to expressionless. “That’s nice. Okay, I’ll be home real soon. Love you.” She hung up the phone and turned to the group. “I’ve got to get home quick. I hope everything went okay with your friend Bruce.”
She was interrupted by the phone ringing. Madam Rue stepped up to answer it, and then said, “Mr. Pennyworth, it’s for you.”
Alfred took the phone and said, “Alfred Pennyworth speaking. Master Bruce? Yes, sir. Of course, sir. I would be most happy to, sir. Yes, sir. What, sir? Cow’s blood at the butcher shop? Yes, of course, sir. I will get on it immediately, sir. Good day, sir.” He hung up the phone, and turned to the adventurers. Tears of joy were streaming down his cheeks. “That was Master Bruce. He’s safely back at Wayne Manor with your friend Clark. He asked me to run a few errands, including taking you back to your hotel. I will be bringing Master Clark back to the hotel after I deliver some – beef blood to Master Bruce. Miss Betty, is there somewhere I can drop you?”
“That’s okay, Jeeves,” Betty said. “The train yard is only a few blocks away, and there’s a fast freight to Riverdale that I need to catch. It’s been fun working with you all; maybe we can do it again some time.” Handshakes and hugs were exchanged.
Sharon said, “Good luck, Betty. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time together. We might have started to like you.”
“Don’t worry about it, short stuff,” Betty said, hugging the girl. “Well, I’m off. Don’t take any wooden nickels – unless you can make them into stakes.”
She picked up her knapsack and headed out into the morning sun. The Super-Vandals watched her go, shaking their heads.
“I guess she majored in Bitch in high school,” Marie said.
“You might let that be a lesson to you,” Gary told her. She just glared at him as they walked out to Bruce Wayne’s limousine.
Chapter 22. The Final Wrap-Up, Finally
Lunch was subdued that day for the seniors of Smallville High. Most were back on their feet, and enjoying their first meal since the enchilada outrage. The hotel had set out a lunch buffet, and the students and teachers were choosing carefully. Mexican-style food was not in evidence. Phyllis, Gary, Sharon, Pete and Clark had snagged a big table for the Super-Vandals, and Lana Lang was sitting with them. She wore a scarf around her neck, but Sharon assured everyone that the bite wound was fading, and now resembled a large hickey. The scarf, Lana said, was to prevent the rest of their classmates from asking who gave it to her.
Clark was describing a much-edited account of his encounter with Bruce when Marie joined them. “Hello, everybody,” she said merrily, setting her plate at an empty space. “It looks like we’ve all recovered pretty well from our experience. It’s lucky we had some time to rest afterward, to catch up with our classmates.”
Phyllis’ eyes widened, then narrowed, and she looked at her friend suspiciously. “And where did you sleep?” she asked. “Lana was in your room.”
“Well, of course, that left a free bed in Lana’s room, didn’t it?” Marie replied brightly. “Clark, what were you saying about Bruce?”
Clark, oblivious to the undercurrents at the table, said, “Well, at first he was pretty distressed at being a vampire with a soul, but I managed to convince him that he could be a force for good. He might even make a good candidate for honorary member of the Super-Vandals.”
“He’ll have to do something heroic first,” Gary said. “In this adventure he was a victim, not much good for anything but rescuing, like Lana.”
“I’m right here, you know,” Lana said sharply.
“Oh, look, there’s Chuck,” said Pete. “Let’s invite him to join us. We couldn’t have done it without him. We’re just lucky he was at Madam Rue’s.” He waved to the stout boy, who was surprised at first, but quickly joined the Vandals, which was something of a status symbol at Smallville High.
“Good morning, or afternoon, I guess,” he said. “Hey, that was some outing we had last night. Let’s not do it again, though.” Everyone except Phyllis chuckled; she glared at Chuck suspiciously. Suddenly she crashed her fist against the table, attracting everyone’s attention.
“All right,” she said. “Show of hands. Everyone at this table who’s still a virgin, raise his or her hand!” Sharon put up her hand, and Lana, puzzled, raised hers, too. There was a pause, and no other hands were raised. Smiling like one who has worked out a difficult problem, Phyllis said, “That’s what I thought.” Chuck and Marie were blushing, but they didn’t seem too embarrassed. Marie muttered something about “hero's reward”.
Gary looked baffled, for a moment, then the light began to dawn, and a look of disbelief crossed his face. "Chuck Taine! You had sex last night after our adventure?" Chuck did not reply, looking at his plate with red face. Gary made a disgusted noise and turned to Phyllis. “Chuck had his first time last night,” he muttered, “-- with TWO girls!”
After thinking a moment, Phyllis said, “I’d like to nominate Chuck Taine as an honorary member of the Super-Vandals.”
“Why?” Gary asked. “What did he do that was so heroic. Just sit around a jar chanting.”
“He admitted he was a virgin,” Phyllis said. “That’s more than you would have done.” Everyone laughed, and by quick show of hands Chuck Taine was elected to honorary status in the group.
“What about Betty Cooper?” Sharon asked. “Should we make her an honorary member, too? She really was in on the fight and everything.”
“I don’t think so,” Marie said. “She did have her own agenda, after all. But fair is fair, I guess. All in favor of making Betty Cooper a member?” She looked around the table and said, “Thought so.” And so Betty the Vampire Slayer had the distinction of being the first hero NOT inducted to the honorary membership of the Legion of Super-Vandals.
THE END
Afterword
In the strange world of Earth-whatever, Bruce Wayne is now a vampire. Just think what that will mean when he becomes Batman! More will come about his situation.
Gotham City, Bruce Wayne, Batman, Alfred Pennyworth, and Wayne Manor are from Batman and associated publications, copyright and trademarks of DC Comics.
Betty Cooper, Archie Andrews, Riverdale and Veronica Lodge are from Archie Comics and associated publications, copyright and trademark Archie Comics.
The characterizations of the Vampire Slayer and vampires are based on those of Joss Whedon from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Madam Rue, the gypsy lady with the gold-capped tooth, is the main character in the song Love Potion Number 9. Many people think she is “Madam Ruth”, but she’s not.
Chuck Taine is the civilian identity of Bouncing Boy, a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes, from Adventure Comics and associated publications of the Silver Age, copyright and trademarks of DC Comics. He still appears in Legion, but without any super-powers or costumed identity.
The encounter between Clark (Superboy) Kent and Bruce (the Flying Fox) Wayne is recounted in Adventure Comics # 275.
21 Jump Street was a police procedural TV show, starring Johnny Depp in his breakout role. However, Jump Street is a slang expression meaning 'the starting point'.
The next episode of the Legion of Super-Vandals was supposed to be a villain-studded romantic extravaganza entitled Seduction of the Innocent. However, the Kryptonite Kid segment took on a life of its own, suddenly, and threatened to make the story a triple-length thriller. Okay, so instead, in our next exciting (I hope) adventure, the Legionnaires meet the Kryptonite Kid, who tells them that Clark Kent is actually SUPERBOY! Some other stuff happens, too. Don’t miss it!