Credits
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder or Star Trek Voyager. This is a fan fiction piece strictly for fun. Dedicated to SaRa and Claire of the Blackadder Ladies Club.
SCENE: The cold, dark, poorly lit streets of London on Christmas night. Blackadder is following the old woman who made off with the massive collection of Christmas presents, thanks to Baldrick. Determined to retrieve his booty, Blackadder rapidly tracks the old woman by her footprints in the snow. He looks ahead and sees her small frail figure pushing the cart laden with the brightly wrapped packages. She turns a corner and heads down an alley. He follows.
It is very dark in the alley. Suddenly Blackadder feels a pair of hands grab him by the lapels of his coat and pull him forward. He can't see who it is, but he feels someone planting a big wet, passionate kiss on his lips and hugging him. For a split second he imagines it is the old woman and he tries to free himself from the embrace.
BLACKADDER: Who the blazes are you?! Let go of me!
VOICE OF THE PERSON IN THE DARK ALLEY: Why, Edmund. You used to love it when I kissed you like that.
BLACKADDER: That voice! Wait a tick! I know that voice!
The figure steps forward closer to the street where there is some light from the street lamp far above.
BLACKADDER: SaRa!
SARA: Merry Christmas, Edmund. I've missed you.
BLACKADDER: But, where is the old woman I followed down into this alley?
SARA: You mean all this?
She points to a pile of clothes, some padding and a rubber face mask. SaRa is now dressed in her skintight black leather Dominatrix outfit.
SARA: Surprise, Edmund! That was no old woman collecting for charity. I was playing a little prank. Are you pleased to see me?
BLACKADDER: Of course, of course, my dear lovely SaRa. God, it's so good to see you again! How long has it been?
SARA: Too long. I couldn't bear to stay away from you for another moment, so here I am.
BLACKADDER: You and Claire never told me exactly where it is you're from. Do you enjoy keeping an air of mystery about you? You appear out of nowhere, and suddenly without warning you disappear.
SARA: Yes, that's it. An air of mystery. Yes.
BLACKADDER: Did Claire come with you?
SARA: Yes, but she's visiting Prince George.
BLACKADDER: Oh. So, SaRa, let's catch up on what's been going on with each other.
SARA: I'd rather shag.
BLACKADDER: Well, if you insist.
They head back to the home of Prince George and sneak into Blackadder's bedroom.
An hour later they are lying together in bed. He is holding her very close him. SaRa is playfully running her fingers on his chest and kissing his neck. The cart filled with presents is in the corner of the room.
They had managed to sneak themselves and the booty into his room without being seen by anyone.
Meanwhile Claire is enjoying some very tasty German sausage in the bedroom of Prince George who has once again shown her he is very much the roarer, rogerer, gorger and a puker. All that and very firm buttocked.
Claire is delirious with happiness as she stares up at the ceiling of his bedroom. Prince George shags her full force and brings her to climax. She cries out with joy.
PRINCE GEORGE (panting): Oh, Claire, Claire. I can't tell you how happy I am to see you. You've certainly made this Christmas one I'll always remember.
She uses a corner of the bedsheet to wipe the sweat from his face.
CLAIRE: I can certainly say the same about you, Georgie-Porgie.
PRINCE GEORGE (joking): Georgie-Porgie? Why, Claire. I can't have a mere scullery maid address me in such a manner. You are to address me as 'Sir' or 'Prince George' or 'Your Highness'. Now I must make sure you remember that by driving that point home with a good sound spanking.
She squeals and he grabs her, sits up on the edge of the bed and places her across his lap and gives her bare bottom a couple of gentle playful swats.
CLAIRE (laughing): Oh! Georgie-Porgie!
PRINCE GEORGE: Still haven't learned your lesson? Very well. (swats her two more times on her bottom)
CLAIRE: All right, all right! Sir, Prince George, Your Highness.
PRINCE GEORGE: That's better.
He lets her get up.
PRINCE GEORGE: Giving you that spanking excited me, Claire. I must have you again.
He pulls her back down on the bed, covers her body with his and kisses her, probing the inside of her mouth with his tongue. She eagerly spreads her legs and he in turn eagerly slips his manhood inside of her. He stops kissing her so he can speak.
PRINCE GEORGE: Know that I'm going to bugger you senseless, my little scullery maid.
CLAIRE: I'd be very disappointed if you didn't, sir.
The Prince Regent most certainly did not disappoint Claire that night.
SCENE: Back in Blackadder's room.
SARA (thinking to herself): Edmund looks so angelic and peaceful while he sleeps. I almost hate to do this, but there is a plan to follow.
SaRa's face transforms and she sinks her sharp teeth into his neck. Her hand covers his mouth so he can't scream. He awakens from the pain and is very startled. He finds that he cannot push her off of him or remove her hand from his mouth.
BLACKADDER (thinking to himself): When did SaRa get so strong? I can't budge her! Oh, God, the pain! What is she doing to me???!!!
A few minutes later she is done. She gets up from the bed and wipes the blood that trickled down from the corner of her mouth, then she licks the blood from her fingers.
SARA: I hope you like my Christmas gift to you, my dear Edmund. It's eternal life. I should have told you earlier about my being a vampire, but I was afraid it would cramp my style. And I did so much want to shag you many times before giving you this gift.
He cannot hear her. But he will awaken in a few hours as one of her kind.
SaRa and Claire came up with this plan a few weeks ago. By turning Edmund, George and Baldrick into vampires, the three men could 'live' forever (barring decapitation, getting staked, set on fire), even when being gunned down by the Germans while going Over the Top. Mere bullets won't kill them. Oh, they'll be wounded, but only for a very short time. Important note: SaRa and Claire are special and rare mutant vampires whose species evolved such that not even sunlight can hurt them, so Edmund, George and Baldrick could easily pose as mere mortals without having to avoid the sunlight.
There is a knock at the door, then it opens. Claire pokes in her head.
CLAIRE: Did you do it?
SARA: Yes. And you?
CLAIRE: Yes. Right after he buggered me senseless and dropped off to sleep.
SARA: What about Baldrick?
CLAIRE: I thought YOU were going to bite Baldrick.
SARA: No, I thought we decided that was YOUR job.
CLAIRE: No, SaRa. I distinctly remember us talking about it in the graveyard. YOU are the one who gets to turn Baldrick into one of us.
SARA: Let's flip a coin.
CLAIRE: Okay. Call it.
SARA: Heads.
Claire tosses the coin. It falls. She picks it up and shows SaRa.
CLAIRE: Oh, bugger!
SARA: Bon appetit, Claire.
Claire braces herself and heads to the kitchen.
CLAIRE: Oh, Baldrick!
And so Edmund, George and Baldrick 'lived' for centuries on. During World War I when they were ordered to go over the top, they were gunned down by a hail of bullets. What wasn't recorded in the history books was that those three men slowly got back up a few minutes later and staggered away to recover and live new lives as their own descendants.
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodeck 3. SaRa and Claire are chatting with Ensign Harry Kim.
HARRY: Vampires, huh? Was it fun?
SARA: Oh, yes!
CLAIRE: Too bad we can't have those same mutant vampire powers outside the holodeck.
SARA: I agree. There are a few certain individuals I can think of who I'd love to scare.
HARRY: In what direction would you have taken this recent adventure of yours if you hadn't decided to be vampires in this story?
CLAIRE: I don't know.
SARA: But give us some time. We could probably come up with something.
CLAIRE: Yeah. Then we'll be back to play it out in the holodeck.
THE END
