The Blackadder Ladies Club Members Meet Prince Edmund
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the show Star Trek or any of its characters. Nor do I own the rights to The Black Adder or Blackadder. This is a work of fan fiction just for enjoyment. --Jean Akins
SCENE: Corridor in front of Holodeck 2 aboard the Starship Voyager. We see Ensign Harry Kim and an attractive woman named Sprite.
Sprite: I know I'm early, Ensign Kim, but -
Harry: Call me Harry.
Sprite: Yes, Harry. I know I'm early and that the others haven't arrived yet. But since I'm here, could I just have a sneak preview of the program I selected for myself?
Harry: Well, it's a bit irregular, but I guess I can let you have a very brief peek.
Sprite (squealing with excitement): Oooh! Thanks, Harry! Can we cut right to the good part?
Harry: Sure thing, Sprite. Computer, run Holodeck Program 'Blackadder the Third Meets Sprite' at the point of the meeting.
The doors to Holodeck 2 open and Sprite enters the Regency Period. She marvels at how real it all looks. She sees the very handsome Mr. Edmund Blackadder. His eyes meet hers, and he smiles as he walks toward her. Sprite feels her legs are about to buckle under her with the excitement of anticipation.
Edmund: You are the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on. I can't hold back anymore. I must have you, Sprite. Don't deny me the pleasure of tasting your luscious lips.
He takes Sprite into his arms. They are about to kiss. Suddenly Edmund vanishes. So do the Regency Period surroundings. Sprite finds herself standing alone in the empty Holodeck.
Sprite: NOOOOOO!!!! What happened???
The doors to Holodeck 2 open.
Harry: Sorry, Sprite. I had to stop the program. The rest of your group is here and we need you to join them now. Don't worry. We'll run your private program afterward. It'll still be here for you.
Sprite: The wedding night! When I get back, start it at the wedding night when I get to consummate the marriage with him!!! Got it, Harry?
Harry: Got it, Sprite. Okay, ladies, shall we begin? Uh, wait a minute. Aren't there supposed to be thirty-eight of you in this group? I see only seven. Where are the others?
Nurse Mary: Don't know. There are thirty-eight registered members in the Blackadder Ladies Club, but lately only a handful of us have been posting messages in the forum. I guess the others moved onto other things. So if they haven't been staying in touch with us, they wouldn't know about this little adventure we're about to have.
Sprite: So they miss out. That only means WE can have the prince all to ourselves! Yeah, baby!
Jeanster: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's roll!
Harry: Computer, begin Holodeck Program 'The Black Seal NOT!!!'.
The doors to Holodeck 3 open and the ladies enter.
Jeanster: This may put a crimp in the plan, what with only seven of us showing up today.
LJP: What? Do you think between the seven of us we can't shag him to death?
Nurse Mary: Oh, we can do it! We'll just all keep going back for seconds, thirds, fourths, and more if we want.
Cindy: Sure, I'm up to it.
SaRa: Uh, this hasn't been brought up before, but I think it begs to be asked: Why does he have to die? Can't we just keep him around indefinitely as our shackled love toy?
Jeanster: There's a thought. What do you think?
Kate (not Bob): I was wondering about that, too. So I checked. We can't. The parameters of The Black Adder are such that he HAS to die at a fairly young age. He doesn't get to live to a ripe old age and die of natural causes. Poor dear. So he either dies the way the story originally has him die, or we change it by shagging him to death. At least this way he'll go out with a big smile on his face.
Jeanster: Oh, poo. Well, let's have it, shall we, ladies? Uh, Sprite, you're awfully quiet. You okay?
Sprite: Yeah. Let's get going.
SCENE: It is almost midnight. The moon is high and bright. Up above the ramparts of the castle are two shrouded figures rushing to meet each other. Down below are the seven members of the Blackadder Ladies Club who are embarking on their adventure. They whisper to each other as they watch the two figures up above.
Sprite: There they are! Prince Edmund and that tart who think's he's Harry.
LJP: Oh, look. He's removing his shroud. She sees who he really is. There's her look of disgust. She shoves him and oh, YES! He's falling!
They gather around the huge cart filled with hay which they conveniently placed there earlier to soften Prince Edmund's landing. He hits the hay and is physically uninjured but is emotionally shaken. The dog who was originally there to attack Edmund was chased off by the group of women who are now about to have their way with the prince. He looks up and is surprised to see seven women gathered around the cart and smiling at him.
Jeanster: Hello, Prince Edmund. So good of you to drop in on us.
SaRa: Yes, we're SO happy to see you.
The others chime in simultaneously: SO happy to see you, Prince Edmund!
Edmund: Who are you?
LJP: We're your, uh, fan club, so to speak.
Edmund: Fan club?
Nurse Mary: We are your admirers, you adorable, scrumptious piece of yumminess!
Edmund: Huh? I have admirers?
Kate (not Bob): Well, of course you do! We're here to show you just how much we admire you.
Cindy: That's right. Okay, let's move the cart!
Together they move the huge wheeled cart carrying Prince Edmund atop the hay through a large doorway at the bottom of the castle. They enter a room barren of any furnishings except for one very large king-sized bed.
Edmund: That's strange. I don't remember this room being here. And I've been through every part of this castle.
Jeanster: We had this room made special, just for you and us. Let's help you get down from there, Edmund.
They help the prince climb down from the huge cart filled with hay.
LJP: Now remember, ladies, he's still a virgin, so let's be gentle with him, as this will be his first time.
SaRa (grinning wickedly): But after that, we don't have to hold back, do we?
Nurse Mary: Heck no.
Edmund looks puzzled, then surprised as it dawns on him what these women are intending to do with him.
Twelve hours later:
LJP: I can't believe this. We've each had him six times and he's still going strong!
Jeanster: Six times seven, that's 42 times straight and he shows no sign of dropping. The man's amazing. Absolutely amazing.
SaRa (dreamily): I can't remember ever being so satisfied sexually before. Do you think I can have another turn with him?
Nurse Mary: Go ahead after LJP. I need to rest for awhile.
Kate (not Bob): How do you figure he's doing it? I thought his heart would have given out by now.
Cindy: Maybe because he's been such a frustrated virgin all these years, he's been saving all his energy and now he's got the perfect chance to release all of it.
LJP: Omigosh! I just had a thought. What if we CAN'T shag him to death? How does this holodeck program go on? How does it end?
Jeanster: Hmmm. Good question. Well, at least we've made sure he won't ever have to marry the Spanish Infanta. You remember that only of them has to be a virgin? We've fixed that, haven't we?
Sprite comes over after having finished an exhausting session with Prince Edmund.
Sprite: Hey. What are you all gabbing about? Hand me that bottle of water, will you? (She takes a much needed drink of cool water.)
Edmund (calling over from the bed): Hello? Whose turn is it now?
LJP: Oh, geeeez.
Jeanster: What? Don't tell me you've had your fill of him?! It IS your turn, LJP, right?
LJP: Yes. But you wanna trade? Just for now? I need a break.
Jeanster: Well, okay. See ya. (Joins Edmund in the bed.)
Sprite: Oh, gawd. How long have we been here?
Cindy: Twelve hours. And he shows no sign of slowing down.
Sprite: I have to get out of here. I have another appointment.
LJP: What are you talking about?
Sprite: I didn't tell anyone else about this, but I paid for my own private holodeck program. You can guess who's in it, right?
LJP: I think so. Blackadder the Third?
Sprite: Yeah, baby. My hubby. Anyway, the program is where we meet, fall in love and get married and we consummate the marriage. Well, I'm using up all my energy here, I'm afraid I won't be any good with my hubby!
Nurse Mary: Oohh. Well, Sprite, why don't you rest for awhile, then go on and enjoy your private holodeck program? We'll stay and finish the one here.
Sprite: Really? You don't mind my abandoning you all?
LJP: It's fine, Sprite. We all know how much you want Blackie the Third. Go for it, honey.
Sprite: You girls are the best! I'm just going to curl up here for a nap, then I'll be on my way.
Four hours later:
SCENE: The corridor outside Holodecks 2 and 3. Sprite is reluctantly leaving Holodeck 2. The six other members of the Blackadder Ladies Club practically have to drag her out.
Sprite: I don't want to leave! He's my beautiful sweet hubby! It was every bit as beautiful as I dreamed it would be! Right down to that sexy eyebrow raise he does!
Harry: Glad you enjoyed your stay, Sprite. But your private holodeck program only runs for four hours, so time's up. You can always buy another session.
Sprite: I'll have to save up for it. Pooh.
LJP: Sprite, we have some news for you.
Sprite: What? Did you all finally shag Prince Edmund to death?
LJP: No. But we found out why he's demonstrated such amazing stamina.
Sprite: Well? What is it?
SaRa: Okay, I admit it. I did it. I slipped him a holodeck-generated Viagra pill.
Sprite: What???!!! No! You didn't!
SaRa: Well, I felt so bad about him having to die. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing!
LJP: So now what? Harry, we just left him there alive and well. What happens? He was supposed to be shagged to death. Instead he wore out all of us. I feel like I've been drilled by Black and Decker.
Harry: Nothing happens. Not to worry. It's just a holodeck program. It's not real. No need to get upset.
Jeanster: It all seemed so real when we were in there. So we're done here? We can just leave?
Harry: Yep. You're all done. Glad you enjoyed your stay here, ladies. Hope to see you all again.
Jeanster: Can I put in an order for my next session? This time I'd like a Mr. Bean holodeck program. He'd be a real challenge! Is it do-able?
Harry: I'll see what I can do.
THE END
Blackadder Fan Fiction by Jean Akins
Mrs. Miggins' Revenge (sequel to this story)
