Well, I’m back. I was going to proceed step by step through my relationship with Ms. M. However, we’re going to take a slight detour and jump ahead to the week of events before I packed up and left her and my two boys to move to Vancouver, BC. The reason I’m doing this is because of an event that just happened to my father this past week, and this eerily coincides with what may have happened to me had I carried out my thoughts. It is the middle of winter, and I’m living in a small one-bedroom cabin by a small lake, about one or two miles away from where my Ex and the boys live. We’ve been separated for a while now. I still see them every now and then, as much as one can expect at this time in my life. I’m drinking more heavily now. I’m trying to stop feeling the emotions that are running rampant within me. I do not drink when the boys are around. I drink by myself at night when alone. I have been suspended once already from my job at the local lumber mill. I have no driver’s license and so when I go to work someone either gives me a ride (usually my ex) or I ride my bike when the weather is good and the roads are clear. I have been given one last warning at work for my tardiness. My shift at the mill starts at seven AM and I’ve gone from being always early to 15 to 20 minutes late. To me this doesn’t seem so bad as I am about thirty-five miles away. It is about two weeks away from Christmas and I’m in a pretty good mood. I’m thinking of what I’m going to buy the boys for Christmas and what I’ll being doing myself this year. All in all it’s all good, or so I believe. I get a phone call from my foreman and am told that I’ll be starting somewhere new at another job in the mill, and that I should be there tomorrow on time seven AM SHARP! To meet my new boss. It’s four in the afternoon on a Sunday, no sweat I can line up a ride before Monday, and I will be there. It is now eight at night and I still haven’t lined up a ride for tomorrow. My ex and I had a fight around noon at her place; I stormed off and went home. I can’t get hold of people so I just say to hell with it I’ll have to get up really early and hope like hell I get a ride from a passing trucker in the morning. The alarm goes off. I get up. It is three AM in the morning. I have some coffee, get warmly dressed and head out the door to the highway. It is one of the most beautiful mornings I’ve experienced in a long time. There is a full moon, ice lays upon the top of the snow which is about two feet deep reflecting the light of the moon. There are crystals of light and ice on the trees, and branches of the surrounding woods. I’m happy because it’s not even that cold out; it’s pleasant to walk along the highway in total silence at four in the morning. It seems I’m the only one awake, the only one out here. I continue to walk towards town thirty-five miles away. Oh Shit! I look at my watch; okay I’m beginning to worry. It is now five thirty, I am still walking and not one vehicle has gone by in my direction. The temperature has dropped considerably, the wind is starting to pick up speed, and snow has started to come down hard and fast. What started as beautiful morning weather wise is now rapidly approaching a small blizzard? Head down I continue to walk towards town, picking up the pace to keep warm, hoping, hoping, a damn car, truck, something will come along soon to give me a ride the rest of the way. My hands are cold even with gloves on and in my jacket. My head is bowed down to keep out the searing wind and snow. I pull my hand free to look at my watch. Six thirty AM, and I’m now still at least five to six miles away from the mill. Where are all the vehicles? Some one must be up and driving by now, going to work. What the hell is going on? Suddenly vehicles start coming, only there going the other way. Shit! Keep walking. Keep going forward. My thinking is clear at least, and I am a lot warmer now than an hour ago, even though the wind and snow are not letting up. I am on a straight stretch of the highway just outside of a small community and as I plod along I raise my head and see a pick up truck going the other way past me. The drivers eyes and mine lock for a brief instant, the truck goes past, I continue on. A minute or so later I hear a horn honking, I stop look up, turn around and it’s the pick up truck I saw earlier. Thank God! I walk to the truck as it comes to a complete stop, and try to open the passenger side door. That’s so weird, I’m having problems pushing the door button in to open the door. He, the driver, reaches over and gives the door a push, and I pull myself up and in to the truck. Warmth. It feels so good to feel the warmth. The truck begins to move as I look at my watch again. It is six forty-five AM. Man I’m cutting it close but I will be on work on time thanks to the young driver here. But wait, what the! He’s heading the other way from where I just came from. He hasn’t really said anything to me; he has just been watching me very closely. I tell him I need to go the other way to work and he finally speaks to me. He tells me he is from another sawmill and that he is their first aid/paramedic and that I will not be going to work but home immediately. I’m confused. I tell him I’m okay, I’ll be fine, I’ve got to get to work or I risk loosing my job. No way I’m going home. Wrong. He continues to drive towards my home. He looks at me and asks how I feel. I feel fine. I want to go to work. Sorry but he can’t do that, he’s taking me home. He then begins to tell me that though I think I’m okay I’m not. When he drove past me I was actually not walking a straight line but zig zagging all over the side of the road, and that even though I think I am speaking clearly I am slurring my words really badly. I look at him as if he is nuts. He simply says I’ll be all right, that I need to get into my bed my house to stay warm. We are now almost at my place heading down the trail road to the cabin and I am starting to shiver uncontrollably. We arrive and he helps me inside telling me to get to bed as he turns up the heater. He asks what mill I work at and who my foreman is so that he can call him to tell him what happened and that I won’t be in today due to hypothermia. I am so tired and still shivering uncontrollably but am warming up slowly. I pass out and reawake at around noon. Still shaking I get up get the phone and call the mill. I reach the foreman who says yes, someone did call and let him know I would not be in, I should rest and would I be okay for tomorrow, can I arrange a ride, if not call him back later and let him know. I agree thanking him and apologizing, then hang up and go back to bed. I awake at around nine PM and feel much better. I call my ex tell her what happened and can she give me a ride tomorrow. She’s still mad at me, but yes she will, and why didn’t I ask her last night for a ride. I have no answer. I thank her, hang up and go back to bed. Morning comes. My ride is here thanks to my ex and I’m off to work. We arrive at work; she drops me off, and leaves. I stand at my locker getting my equipment ready for work. A coworker stops by tells me to go see my new foreman in the office. I head up the stairs to the office. Inside I’m greeted by my new foreman and he starts to explain who I will be training with when suddenly he is interrupted by the head foreman and a union rep from my last position, they ask him to leave as they wish to speak to me. He looks surprised but leaves. My old boss and the union rep look at me and tell me I no longer work here. They warned me if I was late once again I would be terminated, and so I’m being terminated. I’m stunned! I tell them what happened, I tell them not only did I call in but also a first aid attendant from the other mill called in as well and filed a first aid report about the incident. They don’t care. As far as they are concerned I’m no longer working there, go clean out my locker and leave the premises. I walk out past the other foreman and tell him I don’t work there any more. I grab my stuff and leave to walk down the same highway home. I hate unions! I am angry! I am depressed! I am full of negative thoughts. The rest of the week was simply one were I began to down slide rapidly. Because of being fired, I was ineligible for Employment insurance. With bills mounting my only choice at the time was to receive help from Humane resources, which amounted to five hundred dollars a month. My ex had thought I had done this all on purpose to hurt her some more, I did not. I did not find any pleasure in this set of circumstances at all. Christmas came and went and was extremely depressing, as I could not buy the boys any gifts, and this hurt me a lot. On New Years Eve I walked up to my ex’s place to visit the kids and her, it was a really pleasant day. A girl friend of hers called to see if she wanted to go out that night for new years celebrations and my ex asked if I would stay at her place with the boys and baby-sit them, I agreed. All day I had actually been trying to find a way to approach the subject of all of us starting over, try to rebuild what we once had, I never really got the chance. Inside I felt a knot in my stomach, and uneasiness, I felt as though I were walking on thin ice. That night she left and the boys and I had a great time. When the boys went to bed just after midnight, I sat down to watch TV and await her return. She never did come home until sometime in the morning. She walked through the front door and I immediately felt that something was very different about her, even though we sat down and had a coffee together, chatted pleasantly, something had changed. After awhile she drove me back to my place. That evening I once again wanted to go up to see her to talk to her about us, and so off I went. Upon arriving I saw an orange colored pick up truck in the driveway. Before I could reach the door she came out to meet me at the bottom of the porch stairs. Behind her through the kitchen window I could see the figure of another man. On the porch were boxes, a motorbike, and various items. I felt a deep thud in my stomach, as if I had just been punched really hard, I knew what was coming. She proceeded to tell me that they had met last night, at a party, he was leaving town unsure of where he was going or what he was doing, they had talked a lot and it was decided that he would move in with her and the boys. I was completely stunned. I could not believe what was happening. This happened so fast. I simply could not handle it at the moment and turned around and walked home. I don’t know exactly when this next incident happened but I believe it was a few days after seeing the two of them in town, walking side by side, he carrying the youngest of my sons, the older son next to her. The moment I saw them I felt dead. He would not even let me speak to my boys for ten minutes. I don’t really know what feelings I was having at the time, I felt numb, hurt, and angry perhaps, I don’t really know. It was starting to get late and as I had no car I began to head out of town walking, hitchhiking. I never did have much luck with rides. Once again I found myself walking along distance home. Half way out of town, the orange truck with my ex and the boys slowly drove past me, looking up watching them head out of town I saw the boys watching me as the truck disappeared out of sight. A couple of days later I decided to go visit my boys. Her new boyfriend I guess was out of town, working or something, I arrived and spent some time with the boys, and then my ex and I decided to sit on the porch steps drink coffee and have a smoke. At first the conversation was amiable. I told her of my concerns of her moving in with someone so quickly; did she even know his background? was he save with the boys?. She assured me everything was fine. I remember telling her I was going to have a background check done on him by a local policeman I knew. At this she got angry. I told her the officer said I had every right to have him checked out for the safety of my boys, especially in this day and age of abductions, and abuse. The conversation started to heat up, when I suddenly rose told her I did not wish to argue or fight anymore, that I was going home. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and handed her my half full cup of coffee, said thanks, and could she say good bye to the boys for me. I turned to walk away and almost as soon as my back was turned I felt the coffee cup hit me on the shoulder. I swung around, saw her and then all hell broke loose. What I felt when I saw her was instantaneous rage. I jumped the stairs to grab her, but she got inside the door and tried to close it, I kicked the door open, breaking one of the hinges. Once inside I grabbed her and threw her against the wall, as she slumped down to a crouching position, I remember reaching down to her yelling at her and then grabbing her by the throat. She was sobbing, I was screaming, and in the split second I turned my head I saw my two boys standing in the hallway entrance watching all this happen. I immediately stopped, stood up, faced them and looked into their eyes. It was in that moment I had the flash of seeing my dad and my mom in the bathroom when I was a child. I knew what I had done. I started to apologize, knowing it would never be enough, the damage had been done. I fixed the door the best I could or tried to, I tried to speak to her but the only thing that came out of my mouth was that I did not love her anymore, didn’t love myself and didn’t love her. I turned and walked out of their home. I was half way down the road when she pulled up beside me in her car with the boys in the back seat. The passenger window was down, and she was telling me to get in, that the boys did not want me walking home, but wanted to give me a ride home. I told her I just wanted to be left alone, to go away, to just leave me alone. I told her I didn’t love her that I didn’t love anyone that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone, to just go away. She slowly sped up and I watched her car drive away, my two boys on the back seat on their knees, tears running down their eyes, watching me fade away into the distance.
