“Night, guys,” Xander said as Willow and Tara gave a wave as they slipped
out the door. He sighed, looking around at the mess. Pizza boxes piled
up, beer bottles everywhere, cigarette butts mostly in the ashtray. He
was the one who wanted to have a party. He heard a loud crash and turned
back to the living room.
“Bollocks,” Spike yelped as the cds he had been rummaging through crashed
to the floor. **So much for surprise. Stupid git**
“Spike, what are you doing,” Xander called over, grinning as the vampire
leaned down and started to pick up the jewel cases which had dumped
everywhere.
“Yeah, just on my way out, looking for my Bowie, you never do return
anything, whelp.” Spike continued to straighten the cds, shooting a quick
look over.
Xander just grinned and turned to clean up. He was used to Spike prowling
around the apartment. Since Anya had managed to get the curse reversed
and had gone back to being a vengence demon a few months ago, he and Spike
had begun to spend a lot of time together. Xander had been glad of the
company, he had been extremely lonely at first. And Spike was just glad
to have somewhere to be away from Harmony. Gradually, they spent more and
more time together, often ending up back at Xander’s after patrol,
talking, watching tv, drinking. Just somewhere that wasn’t alone and
wasn’t with someone annoying. They had slowly spent more and more time
together, until, one day, Xander had realized they were practically
inseparable.
Lately, however, Xander had noticed something changing between them. He
had started to expect Spike to come back with him and was disappointed
whenever the vampire simply returned to his crypt. He had started looking
for that blond head whenever he was out at night, listening for that quick
wit, trying to catch those blue, blue eyes whenever he could, trying to
make that bemused smirk appear. Xander hadn’t want to think about it,
hadn’t want to ponder the meaning to the shudder that went through him
whenever Spike smiled at just him, the way the shape of those slender,
beautiful hands haunted his dreams.
Then, last night, they had been fighting some vampires, Spike enjoying it
thoroughly as always, when Xander had suddenly felt himself being thrown
through the air. A vampire had crept up behind him and had managed to
grab the back of his shirt. His head struck a tombstone and he was
momentarily stunned. He tried to push away, but the vampire had pounced
on him. Suddenly, the air was filled with dust and Spike was pulling him
to his feet.
“Xander, hells, are you okay,” a shaky voice asked.
“Yeah,” had come the even softer response. They just stood there for long
moments, staring at each other. Xander didn’t know what happened, but
something had broken, some unspoken vow to never acknowledge what was
always running underneath. He knew it. Spike knew it. They broke apart
wordlessly, but neither had let the other out of sight the rest of the
night.
Spike returned to replacing the cds, stacking them next to the changer.
He took an unneeded, nervous breath. **Right, just do it. He might not
even notice** He shot a glance back over as Xander continued to bustle
about, clearing things away in a haphazard manner.
Spike ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t know how it happened, but he
wanted the whelp. Needed the whelp. Couldn’t actually bear to think of a
day without seeing him. The thought that Xander may have been killed the
previous night had shaken him, made him admit what had been growing for a
long time. He had a thing for dark haired, dark eyed beauties. Dru,
Angel, Xander. Dark as he was fair. And Xander was beautiful, there was
no doubt of that. And true and pure. And, for once, Spike had no idea
what to do. He didn’t want to scare Xander, didn’t want to ruin this odd
friendship they had. But he needed to do something, just didn’t know
what. Then, right in the middle of the party, Xander had walked right up
behind him and rested his chin on Spike’s shoulder.
“So, you having a good time?” The words right in his ear.
Spike had frozen, the sound ringing through him. He wanted this boy,
needed this boy. Fuck fear. It was right then that he had formed his
plan.
“Well, pet, I’m off.” Spike finished fiddling with the cds and
straightened up.
“Oh, you’re leaving.” Xander was unaccountably disappointed. He had just
assumed that Spike was staying.
“Got stuff to do, pet.” Spike stopped in the doorway, cocking an ear.
“See you tomorrow.” **Hope you’ll still want to see me**
“K, later.” Xander resumed cleaning, suddenly feeling the emptiness in
the room. Shaking his head slightly, **crush much, Harris** he moved
back into the living room. He heard the discs spin as the changer
switched trays.
I know I’ve got a bad reputation
And it isn’t just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven’t got
I couldn’t have a warm conversation
If it wasn’t for the lies, lies, lies
And still I ought to tell you everything
‘Til I close my eyes
Xander looked up. He didn’t remember programming this. Shrugging, he
returned to cleaning, moving over to the stereo rack. He saw the case
sitting perfectly centered on the top of the stereo.
Don’t try to be an inspiration
Just wasting your time, time, time
You know about the best I’ll ever be
See it in your eyes
I know I’ve got a bad reputation
And it isn’t just talk, talk, talk
If I could only give you everything
You know I haven’t got
Xander went perfectly still. He knew he hadn’t programmed this. That
meant. Spike. His heart began to beat faster. Spike. Spike had left
this for him. That was the only possible explanation. The words sank
into him.
Don’t you think I’ve heard the talk
Nobody’s gonna tell me who to love
Been breaking down
Do you want me now
Do you want me now
Xander just stood there, drinking in the words. Spike. Spike wanted him.
Christ, Spike wanted him. His breath came faster as he let the emotions
wash over him.
Been breaking down
Do you want me now
Do you want me now
I’m just breaking down, down down, down
Been breaking down, down, down, down
Been breaking down, down, down, down
Xander reached up a shaky hand and hit repeat.
Spike leaned against the wall, bottle in hand. He was not nearly drunk
enough to be enjoying this yet. He still hadn’t figured out how he had
ended up coming to Red’s little party. Yet, here he was, stuck leaning on
this wall, watching a bunch of children prance about to some soddin’ dance
music.
He had no idea how this happened. Only that it had something to do with
that dark haired boy over on the other side of the room, separated from
him by a crush of people. Something to do with those dark eyes looking up
at him. Something to do with the hopeful look on that beautiful face when
he heard Xander ask “So, you’re coming on Saturday, right?” Something to
do with him being a bleeding nancy boy who was sweet on one of the
Slayer’s pets. He took another long, long pull at the bottle in his hand.
It had been one week since he had left that song playing and walked out
the door. One week since he’d taken some small step. One week and no
sign that Xander had even noticed. Not one word had been said. Spike had
initially assumed that Xander simply hadn’t noticed and had spent the next
few days muttering to himself. **You wanker, try to be all clever and
whatnot. Couldn’t just tell him, oh no. Too fucking cowardly by half**
Then, on Wednesday, he realized that Xander had made sure to bring him
back to the apartment every night, on Thursday, he realized that Xander
was sitting much closer to him on the couch and on Friday, Xander had
checked to be sure he was coming to the party. Spike’s chest had
tightened at that. **At least he still wants me around**
But now, here he was, stuck leaning on a bloody wall with some idiot girl
yammering away in his ear while Xander was on the side of the room.
Spike’s eyes narrowed as he saw some girl grab his arm, lean into him and
laugh. **Hands off. Mine** Spike shoved off the wall, ignoring the
protesting yelp and headed for the door. He couldn’t take much more
without doing something stupid. Like walking over and pinning Xander to
the wall and kissing him until he couldn’t breathe. Not a good idea.
**Hmmm, very good idea**
Xander looked up from the stereo where he had standing. It had been one
week. One week of trying to figure out what to do, what to say. What if
he was wrong, what if he completely misunderstood. He didn’t think he
could stand the rejection. It wasn’t that he was afraid that Spike would
laugh at him or humiliate him in front of the others. No, it was the fear
that Spike wouldn’t want him that had kept him from saying a word.
But he had to make sure Spike came to Willow’s party. Not just because
Willow wanted Spike to come, but because he wanted Spike there, wanted to
see him. Didn’t want to spend an entire evening away from him. **Let’s
be honest. Wanted to get him drunk, take him home, see what happens**
But Willow had grabbed Xander the second he arrived, and he had lost track
of Spike. And every time he started over to talk to the vampire, someone
else stopped him. He was going insane. Then he ended up by Willow’s
stereo and inspiration struck. He had found just what he was looking for
when he saw Spike start to leave. He glanced over. The cd player was
empty, the music coming from the larger set across the room. **Now or
never Harris, just do it** Taking a deep breath, he hit play.
Spike paused, trying to push his way out the door. Another song had
started underneath the first. That was odd. He glanced around. No one
else seemed to have noticed. He shrugged and kept going, trying to weave
his way through the drunken mass.
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightening running through my veins
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Spike stopped dead in his tracks. The words struck him, perfect, they
were perfect. Exactly how he felt. He leaned his head down and closed
his eyes.
Help me out here all here all my words are falling short
And there’s so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
Spike’s head snapped back up. No one else had noticed the song playing
under the first. **Bloody hell, now I’m hearing things** He turned,
trying to track the source of the music.
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into that mystery
Deep into some mystery
Xander locked eyes with Spike. He had the volume turned down as low as
possible, positive that the only possible person who could hear the song
under the beating rhythm and loud conversation would be the vampire. They
just stared at one another across the room.
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won’t ever have to lose you girl
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
I won’t ever have to lie
Won’t ever have to say goodbye
Xander began to move, seeing the shock on Spike’s face. So, Spike thought
Xander didn’t want him. A quick smile went across his face. **Imagine,
SPIKE insecure** Spike just watched as Xander stopped, standing right
next to him.
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I now not what I do
Feels like lightening running through my veins
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Every time I look at you
Spike reached out, grabbed Xander’s hand and yanked him into the hallway.
Without pausing to think, he slammed Xander into the wall, kissing him
passionately. Xander grabbed the lapels of the duster, pulling Spike even
closer, kissing Spike back just as hungrily. Finally, Spike leaned back
reluctantly, not wanting Xander to pass out from lack of oxygen. They
leaned against one another panting, Spike trailing a finger down Xander’s
face.
“So, take it you got my message,” Spike asked, voice hoarse with desire.
“Yeah,” Xander replied, grinning as he pulled Spike in for another kiss,
not caring they were in plain view of everyone. “Take it you got mine.”
His only reply was a low moan from the back of Spike’s throat. They
finally broke apart when someone accidentally bumped into them coming
around the corner.
“Spike,” Xander asked, staring straight into those blue eyes **so
perfect** “You don’t really want to stay here do you?”
“Got somewhere better to be, pet?”
Now it was Xander’s turn to grab Spike’s hand and drag him away.
“Yeah, my place. Car’s outside. Leave. Now.”
The last thing anyone saw was a swirl of black leather as they left,
practically at a dead run.
"Spike, c'mon we'll drop you off on the way," Buffy called out as she
shrugged into her jacket.
They had all wound up at Xander's apartment after a fight with a
particular nasty demon had left them all covered in bright orange slime
with the added benefit of causing a rash to immediately form on everyone's
skin. Xander's place was closest, and they had all taken turns showering
and getting the gunk off their skin. The girls were now all decked out in
a variety of much too large t-shirts and sweat pants. Giles had refused
to shower, turning slightly pink at the suggestion, but he had scrubbed
his face and hands clean and was looking mournfully at his blazer.
Only Spike looked normal, wearing his usual black jeans and shirt. That
was because he had simply changed into one of the sets of clothing that he
had started keeping at Xander's since they had begun secretly seeing one
another four months before. The impulse had been automatic and it wasn't
until he had emerged from the bedroom that both he and Xander had gone
still, hoping no one would notice, that they would just assume that Spike
had found a black shirt of Xander's. No one had commented. Now, they
were leaving and neither Spike nor Xander could think of any possible
explanation for him to stay.
"Sure, Slayer, right behind you. Just have to grab some blood from the
whelp here, out in a minute." Spike called out, moving across the room to
stand next to Xander in the kitchen. They watched as the back of Buffy's
head disappeared. Xander slammed Spike into the refrigerator, their
mouths eagerly coming together, the now familiar heat rising quickly.
Spike pulled back, hearing the groans coming from both their mouths.
"I have to go, pet," he whispered, trailing his fingers down Xander's
cheek.
"I know, hate this," came the quiet reply as Xander reluctantly let go of
Spike's waist.
"Well, luv, much as I agree, no choice."
They stared at each other for a moment, then started as they heard the
door open, heard Buffy's annoyed voice call out.
"Spike, hurry up, it's almost dawn and much as I would like to see you
fry, Giles won't let me."
Xander hurriedly handed Spike a packet of blood, their fingers locking for
a moment, then Spike was gone. Xander leaned against the counter, head
down. Reaching out, he opened a drawer and pulled out the spare set of
keys he had made the previous day. He began to spin them in a circle,
losing himself to his thoughts.
Four months. Four months since Spike had kissed him in that hallway.
Four months since they had come back to the apartment and ravished one
another. Four months during which they had stolen every moment they could
find. Four months of finding it harder and harder to pull away. Four
months of stopping himself from telling Spike just how much he meant.
They never talked about it, never discussed just what it was between them.
But it was far more than sex, they both knew that. However, neither of
them wanted to say anything, didn't want to upset whatever happiness they
had managed to find.
Sighing, Xander stared down as he continued to spin the keys. They hadn't
told any of the others, hadn't made their relationship public, hadn't
wanted to deal with the reactions. But it had become harder and harder
each time Spike left, waiting until sunset, straining his ears for that
sure knock that came as soon as Spike could get there. It had finally
come to a head the other day. They had leaned in the doorway, hands
frantically roaming over each other, the desperation apparent if unspoken,
until Spike had been forced to leave, forced to run before the sun could
burn him. That had been the final straw. Xander had gone out that
afternoon, had the extra set of keys made and was just trying to get up
the courage to ask Spike to stay, to move in, to finally state once and
for all that he and Spike were together, were a couple. But he hadn't had
the chance. Sighing yet again, he fell fully clothed onto his lonely bed,
grateful that the next day was a Saturday and he wouldn't have to work.
Xander woke, hungry, a few hours later and made his way back to the
kitchen. Yawning, he opened the refrigerator door and paused, seeing the
slip of paper there. He picked it up, puzzled and saw the quick, angular
lines. A smile slipped across his face as he recognized Spike's
handwriting.
Left you something. Go hit play.
Shaking his head at his lover's cleverness, Xander padded over to the
stereo.
You ain't ever seen
The way to find your dreams
Forget what's within within
Cos who you've been you've been
If all we lose is the skin
I'm putting you under within
We're gonna make this life together
The symptoms are too deep
I got you on my mind in my sleep
You on my mind in my sleep
He went still, hearing the truth in the words, sensing the longing there,
the mirror to his own ache. He walked back to the counter, picking up the
keys he had left there.
Do you know how hard I'll try
To lose this foolish pride
Can you take me as I am
Can you understand me
Unchain me now
If all we lose is the skin
I'm putting you under within
We're gonna make this life together
The symptoms are too deep
I got you on my mind in my sleep
You on my mind in my sleep
That was it. This was enough. He grabbed his own set of keys, his jacket
and raced out the door, the words echoing in his mind.
Xander pounded on the crypt door. "I know you're in there, Spike, just
open the fucking door."
Spike cautiously pulled the door opened, blinking sleepily, cautiously
backing away from the sun. "Xander, what are you doing. . ."
Xander never gave Spike a chance to answer. "Fuck this, hate this. I
miss you. You miss me. I don't want to be apart, I don't want to pretend
anymore, it's stupid. Someone has to swallow their pride, fine, so I'll
do it. Here," with that he tossed the keys to Spike. "I want to move in
with me, be with me, tell everyone you're with me. Want you. Need you.
Please."
Xander paused to take a breath, looking at the floor, waiting for some
response, unsure of what the reaction would be. He felt cool fingertips
under his chin, forcing his head up.
"Bloody hell, pet, took you long enough, thought I was going to have to
ask, now, didn't I." The relief in Spike's eyes, the longing, the hope
all reflecting back Xander's own expression. Their eyes locked and they
both began to smile.
Xander quickly pulled Spike over to the bed in the corner of the crypt.
"Great, now that that's settled, we're going to have to find something to
do until the sun goes down." He cast a quick glance around the crypt.
"And I don't think packing will take up enough time, so any suggestions,
Spike?"
Spike just grinned as he pushed Xander flat on his back. "I'm sure we'll
think of something."
Xander just smiled into the mouth now covering his. "I'm sure we will
too."
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
With that, Spike bolted out the door, yanking it shut behind him, hearing
the satisfying slam. He stalked down the hallway, lighting a cigarette
and taking a furious drag.
“Bloody whelp, yelling at me, didn’t do anything,” he muttered angrily as
he jumped down the front stairs and ripped open the door to the DeSoto.
He peeled out of the parking lot, not looking back, not seeing if Xander
had followed, not being that pathetic. He drove aimlessly, smoking
cigarette after cigarette. He honestly couldn’t remember what they had
been fighting about. Something inane. It had started as their usual
bantering then suddenly escalated until they were standing toe to toe,
screaming. It was at that point that Spike bolted, not wanting to hear
any more, unable to bear the look of rage on Xander’s face.
He stared mindlessly out the windshield, barely paying attention to the
road. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. Things had been going so
well. Sure, it had been hard when he first moved in, when they told
Xander’s friends, but, slowly, they had come around, seeing that Xander
was happy. Of course, the Slayer still shot him evil glares every time
she saw them together, but that was all, she had stopped trying to stake
him. Things were good.
Actually, things were bloody fabulous. He had gone and fallen in love
with the whelp. Couldn’t help it, hadn’t really tried. He was well and
truly gone. Only, he hadn’t told him yet, not sure of what the response
would be. Besides, talking about it would only bring up painful issues.
Like whether or not Spike would turn him when he got the chip removed. If
Xander understood just what it meant for Spike to love him. When Spike
loved, he loved completely, thoroughly, forever. Spike’s hands shook as
he raised the cigarettes to his lips. Forever. He knew this was the true
reason that he hadn’t said anything these long months. He wasn’t sure he
could handle it, loving a human. Knowing he would die.
Spike snarled as he threw the butt out the window, compulsively reaching
for another cigarette. For hells sake, he had been reduced to turning to
his brooding Sire for help. Angel had returned the week before and, the
instant he saw Spike and Xander, a knowing smile had crossed his lips.
Spike had avoided Angel like holy water, knowing that, as soon as they
were alone, he would have to answer questions he would rather not think
about. But Angel was persistent and, finally, the unavoidable occurred.
“So, Spike,” Angel began, watching his childe pace. “See you’ve got
yourself a boyfriend. And one of the Slayer’s friends at that.”
“Well, if I’m getting fucked by working for them might as well fuck back,
shouldn’t I?” Sheer bravado. He had never been able to hide anything
from those eyes in the past, but there was a first time for everything.
“Spike.” The world-weary sigh dropped from Angel’s lips, the headache he
always got when talking to Spike already beginning to form. “Spike, don’t
even start. I know you, I know when it’s just a game. You’re living with
him, Willow says that you’re almost never apart. Besides, I see how you
look at him.” Angel’s heart twisted at that. **The way you used to look
at me. Just like that**
Spike just continued to pace, chin held defiantly in the air. “What,
Peaches, thought I would pine away for you? Sorry, got better things to
do with my unlife.” Trying a new tactic. Attack and thus distract.
Again the sigh as Angel moved over and grabbed Spike by the shoulders,
stopping him in his tracks. “Spike, don’t do this. I just want to know
what you’re up to. I don’t want you playing mind games with Xander.” A
bitter smile. “That was always my bit. What exactly is going on?”
It was the concern in those eyes that got him. He had always had a weak
spot for just that look, he used to live to see any glimmer of concern in
those eyes. Even now, after all this time, Angel provoked the same need,
the same desperate desire for acceptance.
“Shit,” Spike’s head dropped down. “Not a game. Care for the boy.” The
last words were inaudible to all but vampire ears.
“Care for him. That’s obvious, how much, Spike? What’s going on? Is it
just a shag or something more?” Angel pressed on, seeing his childe’s
pain, knowing exactly what the problem was.
Spike tried to pull away, but Angel held firm. He didn’t want to do this,
didn’t want to talk about this. Didn’t want to think about this.
“Just, care about him. Doesn’t matter, can’t have anything anyway. Whelp
will just leave me for someone else, someone who can be with him, take
care of him. He’ll just leave anyway, so doesn’t matter.” The bitter
words dropped from his mouth, the knife turning inside him. **Leave.
Die. Go away. Alone again**
Angel nodded, hearing the truth. “You’re afraid.” A simple statement.
Spike’s head shot up at that. Him, afraid? **Oh, yeah you are** “Not
likely, mate. You taught me too well for that.”
“No, I can smell it on you.” Angel’s voice softened. “You know where
this is headed. I know you, Spike. You’re going to fall in love with
him. If you’re not already. And you’re afraid. Afraid he won’t love you
back. That even if you do, he’ll still leave. You know he’ll leave
eventually.” He felt Spike tense under his hands, but he kept going.
“It’s just, do you really want to spend whatever time you have together
without telling him? Every moment is precious. Every second.” Angel
swallowed, visions of Buffy coming unbidden to his mind. Shaking his
head, he pressed on. “Spike, you have to tell him. Have to let him
know.” With that, he pulled his childe close, wrapping strong arms around
him.
Spike just shook, bathing in the coolness of those familiar arms. He knew
it. He couldn’t help it. Every time they had sex he came closer and
closer to saying the words.
“What am I supposed to do, just walk over, say, ‘Thought you should know,
I love you.’” Muffled words into Angel’s chest.
Angel dropped a gentle kiss on the top of Spike’s head. “That would
work.” They stood there for a long time, the memories coming over them,
the twisted past they shared unspoken.
A bitter snort as Spike finally pulled away. “Give me some credit, can do
better than that.” He glared up, “This doesn’t mean I don’t still hate
you.”
A chuckle, “Of course not.”
====================================================================
Spike sighed, looking out the window. That had been three days ago and he
still hadn’t found the courage to say the words. Now, everything had gone
bad. Xander had seemed distant over the last few days, pulling away at
odd times. Then the fight tonight. Spike thought back, trying to
remember what had started it. Nothing. Now that he thought about it, it
had been since Angel had arrived that Xander had been acting odd,
short-tempered and hostile. He knew that Xander had always been jealous
of Angel, but surely that was over now. He slammed on the brakes as the
truth hit him. Jealous. Xander was jealous. He pulled over to the side
of the road then got out, sitting on the hood, thinking back. Xander had
made sure that he was with Spike nearly every second that Angel had been
there, holding his hand and otherwise acting possessive. Spike hadn’t
really noticed, had absently enjoyed the attention, but had given it no
weight. He thought harder, reviewing all their interactions. Surely, he
hadn’t done anything to make Xander jealous. Suddenly, his eyes widened.
“Oh, fuck,” the word breathed out as Spike’s eyes grew wide. He closed
his eyes, concentrating again on the memory. Angel pulling him close. A
footstep, some other scent coming faintly to his nostrils. His voice
saying “Thought you should know, I love you”. Angel kissing the top of
his head. “Oh, fuck.”
No wonder Xander had been so moody, so upset. He walked in at the worst
possible time. There was only one way Xander could have interpreted that.
Spike jumped into the car and sped back to the apartment.
“Xander,” he called as he ran back into the apartment. “Pet, have to talk
to you.” He stopped, looking around, confused. No response. “Xander,”
he called again, walking further into the apartment. He heard a low noise
and looked over at the couch.
Xander lay on his back, eyes closed, one hand thrown over his face, the
other falling off the couch toward the floor. An empty bottle of vodka
sat on the table.
“Oh, luv,” Spike moved over, gently picking him up. “Can’t have you
getting drunk when things go bad, that’s my bit, not yours.” He placed
Xander on the bed, then went to get the aspirin and water that he knew
Xander would be needing soon. He returned, ran a cool hand through
Xander’s hair, then pulled the blanket over him.
========================================================================
Xander groaned. It felt like someone was trying to drill through his
head. He sat up slowly.
“Ow, ow, not good.” He fell back onto the bed. “Ow, ow, worse.” His
mouth was dry, his eyes ached. “Ohhh, that was such a bad idea.”
The second Spike left he had pulled the bottle of Skye from the freezer
and set about getting thoroughly drunk. He had finally decided to tell
Spike that he loved him then Angel had shown up. Xander knew enough from
things Spike had let slip to know that there was some kind of intense
relationship between the two, no matter how Spike acted now. Besides, you
didn’t hate someone that thoroughly unless you loved them first. He
couldn’t help feeling jealous. He had tried to keep an eye on the two.
But somehow they had snuck off and then, just when Xander walked in, he
heard it. Spike’s voice. “Thought you should know, I love you.” Xander
couldn’t take it. It was bad enough that Angel had Buffy, now he was
taking Spike too. Just when Xander had finally worked up the nerve to
tell Spike how he felt. He had gotten all pissy, waiting for Spike to
tell him he was leaving, going to L.A. with Angel. Every day that passed
was agony. Finally, he snapped and provoked the fight, hoping to just
hear it and get it over with. Spike left and Xander knew that was it. He
wasn’t coming back.
“Luv, you might not want to move quite so much,” gentle hands lifted him,
holding him still as a glass was raised to his lips. “Drink, you need
water.” Confused, he swallowed, then raised blurry eyes.
“Spike,” the confusion evident in his voice. “What are you doing here?”
Maybe he was seeing things.
“Live here, ducks, remember? Just how much did you drink?” The familiar
sarcasm. “Here, aspirin, it will help.”
Xander just blinked, growing more confused. He took the pills
automatically, then tried to focus. **Ok, he came back must need to
pack**
“When are you leaving,” the question came out unwillingly. Xander lay
back down, too dizzy to remain upright.
“For where, pet?” Now it was Spike’s turn to be confused.
“L.A. Going with Angel, I heard you.” Xander heard himself speaking. He
was still drunk and couldn’t stop no matter how much he cursed himself.
Spike looked down, running his hands soothingly over Xander’s face. “Not
going to L.A. I’ll explain later, it’s not what you think.”
“Lose you, don’t wanna,” Xander began as he faded back to sleep.
“You aren’t going to lose me Xander. Sleep. Talk later.” Spike curled
next to him, pulling him close. “Never lose me.”
=======================================================================
Xander woke, the headache still there but fading. He groaned. Now he
remembered why he didn't usually drink. He felt Spike next to him,
realized that Spike had an arm draped protectively around his waist.
Fragments of their conversation drifted back. Spike hadn’t left for L.A.,
said something about explaining. Xander tugged lightly on the arm,
needing to go to the bathroom, desperately wanting to shower. He came out
a short time later, clean, feeling somewhat better. He looked over, saw
that Spike was no longer on the bed. He headed out for the kitchen,
hearing movement there.
Spike looked up, hearing Xander moving down the hall. He reached over,
set the mug of tea on the counter. Xander took it nodding gratefully then
moved to the couch, wincing when he saw the bottle. Spike followed him
over, sitting next to him.
“Spike, sorry, last night, just, I don’t know why I was so angry,” Xander
began, unsure of where to start, exactly what he wanted to say.
Spike reached out, placing his fingers on Xander’s lips. “Shh, just
listen. I think you heard something that you shouldn’t have.” With that
Spike stood, beginning to pace. “Shit, that’s not true, you should have
heard it, just not like that. It wasn’t what you think, I wasn’t saying
that to Angel.” Spike returned to the couch, fingering the stereo remote.
“There’s something I’ve needed to tell you for a long time. Didn’t know
the words. Would have written some but,” a bent smile appeared. “Well,
that hasn’t gone too well in the past. Here, listen. Wish I wrote this
for you.” With that, he hit play.
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotised
I feel paralysed
I have found heaven
Xander just stared over, trying to process all he had heard. Spike hadn’t
said that to Angel. Then, who. He swallowed, concentrating on the words.
There's a thousand reasons
Why I shouldn't spend my time with you
For every reason not to be here
I can think of two
To keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven
Spike just stared at his hands, unable to look over, unable to bear seeing
Xander’s face if this went badly.
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
I can feel the emptiness inside me
Fade and disappear
There's a feeling of contentment
Now that you are here
I feel satisfied
I belong inside
Your velvet heaven
Xander let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he had been holding. Him.
Spike was talking to Angel about him. He reached over and pulled Spike
into a fierce embrace.
Did I need to sell my soul for pleasure like this
Did I have to lose control to treasure your kiss
Did I need to place my heart in the palm of your hand
Before I could even start to understand
It's only when I lose myself in someone else
That I find myself
I find myself
They came together, the words falling from both their lips. “I love you,
I love you.” Impossible to know who said it first, whose words were more
fevered. “I love you, I love you.” The music stopped and all that was
left was their voices, speaking together, in perfect harmony.
“Spike, you back here,” Xander called out, a little concerned. He placed
the bag containing the Guinness and Jack Daniels down on the table. He
had come home from stopping at the liquor store to find Spike gone with a
note taped to the door. “At the Magic Box. Back later. Don’t worry.”
Xander had stared at the note, snorting at the last line. Yeah, like he
wasn’t going to worry. It was the two year anniversary from when the chip
had been inserted into Spike and Xander had watched the tension wind in
Spike over the last week as the day got closer and closer. They hadn’t
really talked about it, but Xander knew how upsetting it was to the
vampire. Spike had channeled his frustration into patrol and sex and
Xander was covered in bruises, their coupling having grown ever more
frantic and vicious, each trying to consume the other. He had decided
that morning before he left for work that he was simply going to get Spike
very, very drunk, then tie him to the bed to keep him from doing anything
stupid. Not that Spike had given any indication that he was going to do
something desperate, just, Xander was worried. No matter how much Spike
claimed that he would no longer try to get the chip out himself, Xander
wasn’t sure if Spike could control himself if one of those periods of
darkness came over him.
He heard loud music coming from the back and he walked towards the noise,
moving towards the training room they had set up for Buffy. He stopped in
the door, seeing Spike viciously attacking the heavy bag in the corner,
stripped down to his jeans and tight black t-shirt, singing along to the
song, lips drenched in blood. Xander quickly looked over, then relaxed
slightly, seeing the empty bag from the blood bank. He had left human
blood for Spike in the refrigerator that morning, wanting to do something,
anything to help ease the pain of the day.
I was hanging from a tree
Unaccustomed to such violence
Jesus looking down on me
I'm prepared for one big silence
How'd I ever end up here
Must be through some lack of kindness
And it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Spike whirled, catching the bag in a hard back kick, turning quickly to
kick the bag back the other direction. He lost himself in the actions,
imagining it was Riley, or any of the other fuckers who had done this to
him, had tried to destroy what he was. He was reduced to this, to pouring
his rage into some inanimate object instead of hunting down his prey. He
let the pain crash into him, feeling the totality of his loss. Reduced to
drinking from a cup, human blood only for special occasions, no longer his
daily sustenance. Some tiny part of his mind registered Xander’s
presence, but he didn’t turn, not wanting Xander to see him like this,
torn down to this state. **So why did you leave the note, knew he would
come** The thought crept unwanted into his mind, causing him to growl and
send a fierce punch into the bag, knocking it back.
At the time they cut me free
I was brimming with defiance
Doctors looking down on me
Breaking every law of science
How'd I ever end up here?
A latent strain of color blindness
Then it seemed to dawn on me
Haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Xander stood still in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt, letting Spike
have this moment. As much as it ripped his heart out to see Spike reduced
to this state, he knew Spike needed this, needed the release. Lying awake
early that morning, staring down into Spike’s face, so different in sleep,
so calm and peaceful, Xander had felt the rage begin to build in him.
Sure, maybe the only reason that he had been given a chance with Spike was
because Spike had been chipped, had been forced to crawl to them for help,
sure, he would fight and claw to protect what they had. But that didn’t
mean he couldn’t rage for his lover, rage in some tiny part for himself.
There was a small, secret portion of him that wanted Spike as he was
before, wanted Spike to take him, turn him, let them hunt together, let
them drink from one another, some part that wanted to know if Spike would
have still wanted him if he hadn’t been emasculated, if he was still as
powerful as before. He lay there, running a hand through that white hair
and let the bitter tears fall, crying for all Spike had lost. All that
Xander could never give him. Xander’s arm had tightened its hold on
Spike’s waist, trying to pull the vampire into him, take him in
completely. He might never be able to make up for everything ripped from
Spike, but he sure as fucking hell was going to try.
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
Now my feet don't touch the ground
He watched as Spike leapt into the air, a leg striking out over and over,
jumping in time to the words. Graceful as Baryshnikov, as Nureyev. Spike
landed, then suddenly went still, yellow eyes blazing as he stared
straight ahead, a light sheen of sweat coating his body. He turned
suddenly, locking eyes with Xander. He held the gaze as he continued to
sing along, hoping Xander would understand, would know that he no matter
how desperately he may want to walk into the sun, he wouldn’t, he would
never give the bastards the satisfaction of destroying Xander as well.
As they drag me to my feet
I was filled with incoherence
Theories of conspiracy
The whole world wants my disappearance
I'll go fighting nail and teeth
You've never seen such perseverance
Gonna make you scared of me
Cause haemoglobin is the key
Haemoglobin is the key
To a healthy heart beat
Xander walked over, eyes still locked with Spike’s. He moved directly in
front of the vampire then leaned down slightly and kissed him, tasting the
slick of blood, pulling it into his mouth. They kissed frantically, blood
dripping down as Spike’s fangs cut into their lips. Xander finally pulled
away, eyes black.
“Let’s go. We need to find something to kill.”
Spike just nodded and they walked out the door, Spike grabbing his duster
on the way. They stalked down the street, silent, deadly, blood pounding
in their ears.
Xander grinned as he led Buffy, Willow, Tara and Giles into the bar. He
had been looking forward to this moment for the last week, turning it over
and over in his mind. The mighty Fangless One was finally going to get
his comeuppance. He had been tempted to collect on the bet immediately,
then decided that, no, he would rather savor the moment.
“Xander, why are we here again,” Buffy called out as the gang settled at a
table while Xander went to fetch drinks.
“Because Spike lost a bet. Which is good enough in and of itself. But
even better, this was the forfeit. You are here to witness the public
debut of William the Wonderful, the siren of Springfield.” Xander grinned
as he raised the beer to his lips. He glanced at his watch. For some
reason, Spike had insisted on meeting them here. He supposed it was so
that the vampire could flee immediately afterwards. Yes, all was right in
Xanderland.
“Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the newest star to shine on our
stage, the one, the only, Spike.” A small round of applause greeted this
over enthusiastic introduction and Xander scooted his chair a little
closer, making sure nothing blocked his view. He wished he thought to
bring the video camera.
Spike stalked onto the stage, grabbed the mike as if he had born with it
in his hand and gave a cocky smirk to the crowd. Xander felt the faintest
stirring of fear. He knew that look, that cat that ate the canary, I am
going to humiliate you look.
Spike raised the mike to his lips. “Alexander Lavelle Harris. This one’s
for you.” The words were perfectly enunciated and Xander started when the
small spotlight picked him out of the crowd. **What the hell** he thought
briefly. **No wonder he wanted to be early, must have worked something
out** his thoughts died away as the unmistakable opening riff sounded in
the club.
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I’m feelin’ down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
Xander’s head crashed to the table as the hoots and catcalls started
around him. A moan escaped him as the fatal flaw in his evil scheme
revealed itself. He forgot to tell Spike that HE could pick out the song.
NOT Spike. He groaned louder as he suddenly realized just why Spike had
lost the bet. He had been played, well and truly played. He raised his
head as Buffy fell over on top of him, laughing hysterically.
I don’t want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don’t want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
He didn’t think it could get any worse. Then it did. Xander realized
that Spike was slowly walking down the stage, no, stalking was the better
word. He wanted to move, he did, really, he just couldn’t, those blue
eyes were pinning him to the chair.
You’re the one who makes me happy honey
You’re the sun who makes me shine
When you’re around I’m always laughing
I want to make you mine
Spike stopped right in front of Xander’s chair, eyes locked with Xander’s.
He had to admit, Spike actually had a great voice. And the way he was
rocking his hips in time to the beat. . .
I close my eyes
And see you before me
Think I would die
If you were to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how much I adore you
I get down on my knees
I’d do anything for you
Xander’s mouth went dry, everything else dying away, seeing nothing but
this, Spike, dropping to his knees before Xander, the hand not holding the
mike slowly moving its way up his thigh. The laughter was strong in
Spike’s voice, in his eyes, but underneath, underneath, well, sincerity
too. Xander reached out to touch Spike’s face. He never realized just
how romantic this song was before. Spike just grinned at him then
suddenly yanked away, slowly rolling his duster from his shoulders and
dropping it on Xander’s lap, turning to play to the crowd, running a hand
down his thighs.
I love myself
I want you to love me
When I’m feelin’ down
I want you above me
I search myself
I want you to find me
I forget myself
I want you to remind me
Spike whirled back around and then grabbed Xander’s chin in his hand,
pulling Xander to his feet, dropping his hand to Xander’s waist,
possessively running it down and around Xander’s ass, pulling them back to
the stage. The whistling and yelling suddenly crashed back into Xander’s
ears as he heard the crowd yelling along to the chorus as Spike ground his
hips to Xander’s.
I don’t want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don’t want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no
The music died away, leaving only the two of them wrapped together on
stage, Spike grinning unabashedly. The screaming only grew louder.
“So, what do you want to bet next, luv?” Spike whispered seductively in
his ear as he spun them around, grabbing Xander’s hand and pulling him
down to take their bows.
“Don’t know, didn’t know you could sing so well, Spike,” Xander gasped
out, trying to think of the fastest way home, or to the car, or hell, to
the alley if need be. Bathroom, that would work. They made their way off
stage, pelted by peanuts and good natured taunts. They stopped back at
the table just long enough to grab Spike’s duster, Xander’s keys and to
see the never to be forgotten sight of Giles doubled over in laughter.
They stumbled out the door and somehow managed to crash into the backseat
of Xander’s car before attacking one another.
“Spike,” Xander gasped out when the vampire finally let him up for air.
“Yes, Xander,” Spike distractedly replied, busy working on the buttons to
Xander’s shirt.
“Did you mean it?” Xander panted out, a little embarrassed at being so
needy, a lot more needing to hear the answer.
Spike stopped his ministrations and pulled back to stare straight into
Xander’s eyes. “Of course, Xander. Just told the whole bloody world
didn’t I?”
Xander laughed and pulled Spike back down. “Only you, Spike. Only you
could profess your undying commitment to and love for me in the world’s
best known masturbation anthem.”
Spike just chuckled as he ripped Xander’s shirt off.
The wind whipped off the ocean, pulling the fog along with it. Nothing
was moving on the beach tonight, the elements too ferocious, the waves
cresting too high. The moonlight struggled to break through the clouds,
bars of light flickering along the sand. The sound of the waves and the
howling of the wind combined, peaking higher and higher, ancient and
elemental. A night fit for neither man nor beast. Abruptly, the clouds
broke and for a brief moment the silver light shone down on an incongruous
tableau. A picnic blanket was spread out on a small sand dune, a bottle
of wine sitting open in the middle, propped against a small basket,
glasses resting on the closed lid, dark liquid coating the inside of the
crystal. A small cd player rested in the sand, the music just barely
audible over the sound of the wind.
The light played along the sand, seemingly amused that anyone would dare
brave nature’s fury. The winds died down for a moment, nature pausing to
listen to the music. The light intensified, glowing around the figures
standing just along the water’s edge, waves occasionally brushing against
their legs. At first glance it appeared that they were one flesh, one
body, they were wrapped so tightly together. They looked like negatives
of one another in the pale moonlight, one so fair that he practically
glowed, the other so dark that the light disappeared into his hair. Only
one heartbeat sounded, only one breath misted in the air. The clouds
gathered again, cutting them from sight, leaving only the faint echo of
their voices singing to the eerie song.
It's amazing to me but I can't
Seem to say what I'm doing here
My tongue is all twisted around the air
I'm looking for words that were so well rehearsed
But I can't find them anywhere
With you there's no easy answer
It's true
You change the equation that I add up to
And all of the things I thought I knew
You turn it around
A pale hand glistened in the night as cold fingers traced down the other’s
face, leaving a visible trail in the dampness clinging to their skin as
the fog intensified about them. Dark eyes peered down, capturing the glow
coming from the blue gazing back, drawing it into those unfathomable
depths.
I'm amazed
When push comes to shove what I'd give to you
Everything
I'm amazed
The hallways I wouldn't mind crawling through
And I'd do it for days and days
I'm amazed, I'm amazed
The places you’re taking me to
The faint glow remaining in the air focused on the pale expanse of throat
suddenly exposed as the dark head tilted back, baring the neck completely.
The pale head bent down and cold lips pressed down, moving along the
skin, the words thrumming on the flesh.
Wait, I thought I had this down
I built all my cages and my hide out
I covered all my bases
But you
You creep in like a whisper
I try not to listen but I hear you
I don't know just what it is you do
But do it again
Hands tightened on the pale one’s back, one creeping up and vanishing in
the white hair, pulling the head back, turning the face up, bringing them
skin to skin. The taller man’s head bowed, resting his forehead on his
lover’s, mingling the strands of their hair, dark and light combining
together. Their eyes closed, and they simply stood there, just feeling
their flesh together, listening to the sound of the singer combining with
the cry of the wind, both desperate and strong.
I'm amazed
When push comes to shove what I'd give to you
Everything
I'm amazed
The walls that I wouldn't mind crashing through
And I'd do it for days and days
I'm amazed, I'm amazed
Hands fell down and reached for the other, fingers entwining, foreheads
still touching, the only separation of their flesh the few inches between
their lips. One breathed out as the other sucked in, pale puffs of breath
visible in the night. The clouds pressed down, the fog hiding them from
view, only to be blown away again by the wind, granting mere glimpses of
them, fleeting traces like an apparition in the night.
At all of the things I know you have done
'Cause this time I think we've really won
That tables have turned
Now I'm taking my hat off to you
You said "we'll see"
But darling it's all clear to me
I'm amazed
The waves crested with the music, knocking them over, rolling them into
the water. The moon picked out their bodies, tumbling over and over, drawn
together, interlocked as they moved, patches of skin blazing bright as
clothes were shed and desperate hands drew them tighter, pressing them
together, mindless of the sand and the wind, the cold and the water.
There was only this, only them, together here, under the stars that could
finally be seen as the clouds parted, allowing all of nature to see them,
the perfect counterpoint of light and dark curled into one another, the
balance always sought finally achieved in the tangling of their skin.
END