TOW Monica and Joey's Baby





For this fic, I decided to get other people’s input. A portion of it was written by a Bolt member named MysticSorceror. I have had to edit it slightly, but for the most part, the second scene was her work. The background for this is that Rachel has already started working at Bloomingdale’s, Monica is already pregnant via sperm bank. However, the sperm happened to belong to Joey, who wants to be involved with his child’s life. Chandler likes Monica, but no one knows. Phoebe has been seeing this guy stalking her, but has not approached him yet. On with the fic!





[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is on the couch. Rachel is in the kitchen, fixing Monica something to drink. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey.

Monica/Rachel: Hey.

Joey: (Approaches Monica and hugs her from behind. He then kisses her on the cheek.) How's my favorite baby-momma?

Monica: Her feet hurt and are swollen, she's tired cuz she can't sleep, her back hurts, she's been throwing up all morning, and a certain someone is taking an hour to pour a stupid glass of milk, which is all she can have thanks to a certain thing growing inside of her. And yourself?

Joey: Uh...good?

Monica: Just lovely. (Yelling.) Where's my milk????

Rachel: (Forcing a smile.) Right here, honey.

(Hands her the milk.)

Monica: (Takes a sip...spits it back out.) I can't drink this! This is 2%! I have to have that Vitamin D crap!

Rachel: (Takes the cup back.) Sorry...of course...I'll run down to the store and buy some.

Joey: That's okay...don't worry about it. I'll go get it. I should be doing all this stuff anyway...after all it is my kid.

Rachel: Okay...bye.

(Joey exits.)

Rachel: Monica, I kinda need to talk to you.

Monica: About what?

Rachel: Well, Ross is acting kinda funny lately...do you know why?

Monica: No.

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey. How's my favorite sister?

Monica: Crappy.

Ross: I know.

(Hugs her.)

Ross: I just came by to drop off this book that Carol said really helped her when she was pregnant with Ben.

(Hands her the book.)

Monica: Thanks.

Ross: Well, I better get going. Later.

(Leaves without ever having acknowledged Rachel.)

Rachel: See? He never said a word to me.

Monica: I don't know what to tell you...sorry.

Rachel: Maybe I should just ask him tonight.

Monica: Yeah.

[Scene: Chandler and Ross are at the coffee shop.]

Ross: I can't believe my sister is having Joey's baby, I always hoped Monica's child would be as pretty as she is, and I hoped it would be as smart as me. But I didn't want them to be like Joey! Still…what use is saying that now?

Chandler: Did you tell Monica how you feel? Or am I just a practice partner?

Ross: No, and I'm not going to, Monica seems so happy to actually be having a child, but well, I can say how hard it is living apart and not being with the other parent. Still, there is chance that Monica and Joey will get together.

Chandler: But that doesn't mean they will…does it?

Ross: There's actually a good chance they will. Joey might propose to her; he might want to make a change, what with him being a father and all, and you know how much Monica wants to settle in with a daddy figure.

Chandler: But what if, you know, say someone else started to like Monica?

Ross: Well, that is a possibility but still, I want her to be with someone who she deserves.

Phoebe: (comes in and sits down next to them) Hey!

Chandler and Ross: Hey, Hi Pheebs.

Phoebe: Guess what! I met the guy again.

Ross: What? What guy?

Phoebe: Oh you know the stalker.

Ross: Pheebs, you can't possibly be thinking of hanging around with a stalker?

Phoebe: Well, it's not like he's crazy. He's just...passionate.

Ross: The problem is what he's passionate ABOUT! Killing young, innocent women!

Phoebe: Ross, I think we can all agree (does an imitation of Britney Spears) "I'm not that innocent". (LoL. I’m sorry, everyone…I absolutely could not resist! I couldn’t help it! LoL!!!)

[Scene: The coffeehouse. Phoebe is on the couch, and we see a guy sitting at a table near her. He is reading the paper, but he keeps looking up at her, then looking back down.]

Phoebe: (Finally noticing this guy.) Malcolm? What are you doing?

Malcolm: Phoebe? Oh no! I did it again…I’m stalking the wrong twin.

Phoebe: You still stalk my sister?

Malcolm: Yeah…I tried to quit, Phoebe. I really did, but…I couldn’t help it! She’s so pretty…

Phoebe: Thanks, but that’s neither here nor there…

Malcolm: And I love you…her? The two of you? Uh…well, at any rate, I’m in love with one or both of you, and I can’t help it! I just can’t live without you…her…one of you…? I dunno! It’s all so confusing!

Phoebe: Yeah, I hear that a lot.

Malcolm: The loving both of you part?

Phoebe: No, the confusing part.

Malcolm: Oh.

Phoebe: Malcolm, I think it’s time you seek professional help.

Malcolm: What do you mean?

[Scene: We immediately cut to a large room with people sitting around in a circle. All are nodding approvingly at Malcolm’s line.]

Malcolm: My name is Malcolm Harris and I’m addicted to stalking these twin sisters.

All: Hi, Malcolm.

[Scene: The coffeehouse. It is several weeks later and Phoebe is there alone again. Malcolm enters as the scene begins.]

Malcolm: Phoebe!

(She turns to see who is saying her name.)

Phoebe: Malcolm? What are you doing here? I thought you were in rehab!

Malcolm: I was. I just got released. I’m fully over the whole stalking thing.

Phoebe: Really?

Malcolm: Yes. And while I was in there, we did all these exercises to get in touch with our feelings, and I’m not confused anymore.

Phoebe: Really?

Malcolm: Really. I know now who I love and why.

Phoebe: Oh.

Malcolm: It’s you, Phoebe. You are the sweetest, nicest, most forgiving person I know. And I can’t thank you enough for putting me in that place so I could finally get over my whole “addiction” thing. And I want to be with you, if you’ll have me.

Phoebe: Of course, Malcolm.

(They kiss.)

Malcolm: Great. Now, as a thank you for everything, I want to cook you dinner tonight, okay?

Phoebe: All right.

Malcolm: Cool. So, I’ll come pick you up here at around 7:00…okay?

Phoebe: All right.

Malcolm: Okay, I’ll see you tonight. Bye.

(Kisses her on the cheek and then exits.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel comes into the living room, reaching behind her back trying to zip up her dress. She finally gives up and goes over to Monica.]

Rachel: Monica, could you zip this for me?

Monica: Oh, sure...Monica will do it. It's not like she's pregnant and tired and about to throw up.

Rachel: Fine...I'll just have Ross do it when he gets here.

Monica: Fine. (Gives her a mean look.)

(There's a knock at the door, Rachel goes to answer it, it's Ross.)

Rachel: Hey, honey. Can you zip me up? Your favorite knocked-up sister is not in a good mood at the moment.

Ross: (While zipping.) Is she ever?

Rachel: No. So, where are we going tonight?

Ross: I thought we'd go to dinner, and then, this play I heard about.

Rachel: Is Joey in it?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Okay, great! Just let me grab my coat!

(She exits into her bedroom. Ross approaches Monica.)

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Uh, Mon, I know you're not feeling to well right now, but you're really starting hurt Rachel's feelings. Could you at least try to be a little more cheerful? I mean, the pregnant part is only 9 months, but after this, you get to be a Mommy. You and Joey are gonna have this great little baby to love and take care of.

Monica: Yeah, I guess you're right. Besides, I don't need to teach the baby to be mean, do I?

Ross: Huh?

Monica: That book that Carol sent over says that they can hear in there, so I should be nicer, right?

Ross: Sure.

(Rachel enters from her bedroom.)

Rachel: Okay, all ready to go. See you tonight, Mon. If you need anything, just call Chandler...he's right across the hall.

Monica: Can't I just call Joey? Chandler's been acting weird around me ever since I got pregnant.

Rachel: Actually, honey, Joey's on a date.

Monica: What? I'm stuck here, carrying our baby and he's on a date?

Ross: Did you say he's been acting weird around you since you got pregnant?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Oh, my gosh! I gotta go talk to Chandler.

Rachel: What? What about our date?

Ross: Sorry, this is really important. It'll only take a few minutes anyway, I'll be right back.

Rachel: Okay...

Monica: What's going on here?

(Ross exits to the hallway, and knocks on Chandler and Joey's door.)

[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s. Chandler is sitting on the chair thinking…]

Chandler’s inner dialogue: Man, I hate this. On the one hand, I’m happy that Mon’s finally getting to have her baby, but on the other, I want it to be with me. And if I say something, I risk losing my friendship with not only her, but Joey, the father, Ross, and then probably Rachel and Phoebe when they find out, too. Man, talk about Sophie’s choice.

(There’s a knock on the door. Chandler gets up to answer it. It’s Ross. Ross enters and leans on the counter with a smile on his face.)

Ross: Chandler and Monica sittin’ in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Chandler: What?

Ross: You like Monica, don’t ya?

Chandler: No!

Ross: Come on, Chandler…my gosh, man. You flirt with her constantly, you two have shared a bed more times than I care to think about, and I know you’ve liked her for a long time. You always have. Ever since she lost all that weight, and she cut off your toe, you’ve had a thing for her. It’s okay, man. I don’t care…

Chandler: I’m tellin’ ya, Ross. I don’t like her.

Ross: But what about what you said in the coffee house? About someone else liking Monica?

Chandler: I was just posing a theoretical question, Ross…I didn’t have anyone in mind…especially, not me.

Ross: But she said you’ve been acting differently around her since she got pregnant.

Chandler: No duh, Ross…she’s carrying the spawn of Joey, dude. That can’t possibly be good for the future of mankind! It’s like knowing your friend is about to give birth to a minion of the anti-Christ or something…

Ross: So…you really don’t like her?

Chandler: No man, I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t think she’s gorgeous. And I love her. But only as a friend.

Ross: I don’t get it…it all added up…

Chandler: I’m sorry, man. I hope you’re not upset…

Ross: No, man, it was my mistake.

Chandler: Okay…hey, if you don’t mind, (stands up) I’m gonna go…I want to take a walk…just shut the door when you leave.

Ross: Oh, I’ve gotta go too…date with Rachel…I just…I dunno…for the few minutes that I thought you and Monica might get together, I was picturing you getting married, and my mom and dad smiling, and then me saying “Welcome to the family, bro…” It was nice. I always wanted a brother…

Chandler: Sorry, man.

Ross: Oh…don’t worry, no problem.

(Ross exits…instead of going for a walk, Chandler sits back down in his chair.)

[Scene: A fancy restaurant. Ross and Rachel enter and are seated.]

Ross: Rach, you might’ve noticed me acting weird lately. And I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you…well, actually, it has everything to do with you, but in a good way. See, I’ve been thinking about us for awhile now, and I’ve kinda come to a conclusion. Rach, I love you, and I want you to know just how much I love you.

Rachel: Okay…

Ross: Will you marry me?

Rachel: (Stunned.) Um…Ross, we haven’t been dating that long yet, I mean…it’s kinda soon, don’t you think?

Ross: Well, uh…see…maybe it is soon, but Rach, I know it’s what I want…but, I guess…if you need some more time, that’s okay…I understand…but…just know that I’m ready and willing, okay?

Rachel: Sure…

(The both sit quietly for a few moments…finally, the waiter comes over…)

Rachel: Thank God you’re here…uh, I’ll have the lobster.

Ross: I’ll have the smoked salmon.

Waiter: Both fine choices. I shall return with your food.

(The waiter walks off, and almost as soon as he leaves the table…)

Ross: You know, I’m gonna go to the bathroom, okay?

Rachel: Sure…

(Ross catches up to the waiter.)

Ross: Hi, um, I need to cancel that pastry I ordered earlier…with the ring in it?

Waiter: Oh, but why?

Ross: I already asked her and she turned me down…she’s not ready or something like that.

Waiter: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. So I suppose I should also cancel the string quartet playing “With or Without You”, right?

Ross: Yeah…and I guess I won’t be needing the airplane guy to fly by and write “I love you Rach” in the sky as we’re leaving…could you call him and cancel?

Waiter: Of course…I really am sorry, sir.

Ross: Not your fault my girlfriend doesn’t love me.

(He turns and walks back to the table sadly. He sits down and Rachel looks up at him crying quietly.)

Rachel: Ross, I do love you.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Ross, I decided I needed to go to the bathroom, too, so I was walking over there, and I saw you talking to the waiter. I thought maybe you were planning a surprise for me, which I thought was sweet, so I stopped to listen…I’m sorry you had this great, wonderful proposal worked up, and I’m sorry I ruined it, but Ross, I do love you…I’m just not ready. And if you can’t understand that, then…maybe we need some time apart.

Ross: Rach, I do understand, you just need to try to understand what a huge slap in the face this is. It just reminds me once again that you and I are in two very different places in our lives…and every time that happens, I start to doubt our relationship more and more. Especially lately when you’re always at work, and I never get to see you. I love you Rach, but I hate having to be sloppy seconds to your career.

Rachel: Ross, we’ve been over this. Is this about Mark?

Ross: No, Rach…believe it or not, I’ve come to terms with the fact that you have him as a friend. I know that I can trust you, and that even if he tried something, you wouldn’t let him. I get that. Rach, this isn’t about Mark, or the guys, or anyone but you and me. Rach, I try to understand that it’s more than just a job to you, but you’re letting it become your life. That’s not practical, logical, or even healthy.

Rachel: (Jumps up from her chair.) You wanna talk about healthy? How healthy is it to pine away for someone for 10 years and not do anything about it?

Ross: (Jumping up also.) Rach, that’s two totally different things! You are always tired, stressed out, and it’s taking a toll. That’s a heck of a lot different than wishing you could be with someone, but not being able to. I never had a panic attack over missing you…okay? So stop trying to compare apples and oranges.

Rachel: Ross, I love you, but…this isn’t how things should be. (Turns to leave.)

Ross: You know, Rach, (She turns to look at him.) that’s your problem…it’s always been your problem…you give up at the slightest sign of difficulty, and take the easy way out. You settle. You don’t fight for what you really want. That’s how you ended up with Barry…it would’ve been too hard for you to say you didn’t love him, so you decided the easy thing to do would be marry him. When you showed up in that coffeehouse, after finally getting the courage to take a chance and leave him, I thought you had changed…I thought you had finally grown up. But Rach, here you are, making the same mistake all over again. It’s too hard for you to stay here and fight for us, so there you go, bailing on us. Rach, you are so weak. All you ever do is bail. And I’m sick of it. So you know what…that’s fine that you’re leaving…because if you weren’t, I’d leave…I don’t want some wimp for my girlfriend…

(He walks past her and exits the restaurant…she stands there stunned for a moment, then exits slowly.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s…Monica is on the couch, and she is wincing, as though she’s in pain. She waits a few moments, and sees that the pain isn’t going away, and finally she picks up the phone and dials a number.]

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: (Cut to him with phone to his ear, in his barca.) Yeah? Mon?

Monica: Chandler, I’m in pain.

Chandler: Pregnancy-related pain?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: Okay, I’ll be right over.

(He hangs up and runs across the hall. By now, Monica is moaning and wincing in pain.)

Chandler: Okay, come on. (Helps her up.) We gotta get you to the hospital.

Monica: But…Joey…

Chandler: Mon, I know you need Joey right now, but he’s on a date.

Monica: But this isn’t how this is supposed to be…I’m supposed to wake up in the middle of the night, turn to my husband, and say “honey, it’s time” and he’s supposed to take me to the hospital and stay there by my side, and tell me how much he loves me…not be out on a date with another woman.

Chandler: Mon, you knew going into this that you weren’t getting your fantasy. Okay? Now…you need to go to the hospital, fast, because something might be wrong with the baby…at any rate, it’s not time for you to be having pains and stuff…you’re only 5 months pregnant. Now, you can cry about this later, and I’ll comfort you, I promise, but right now, we have to get you to the hospital, so come on…

(He helps her out the door.)

[Scene: The hospital. Chandler is helping Monica enter. She is moaning in pain. Doctors and nurses immediately rush to her side.]

Doctor: Who are you, and what’s the problem?

Chandler: Chandler Bing and this is Monica. She says she’s in some sort of pregnancy-related pain. She’s only five months pregnant, and we don’t know what it could possibly be.

Doctor: Okay. Well, Mrs. Bing, let’s get you back into a room quickly.

(As they begin to roll Monica into a room, Chandler opens his mouth to say that Monica isn’t his wife, but Monica shoots him a look to comply.)

[Scene: The hospital room. The doctor is talking to Monica, Chandler is at her side.]

Doctor: Don’t worry, miss. Everything is fine. You were just having some minor discomfort. Essentially, it was a false labor. You’re fine, and so is your baby. A nurse will be by in a minute to discharge you.

Chandler: Thank you, Doctor.

Monica: Yes, thanks.

(The doctor exits.)

Chandler: Why couldn’t I tell him that you weren’t my wife?

Monica: I dunno. It’s just…when they find out I’m not married, even though I did this via a sperm bank, they look at me like I’m a desperate loser. And Joey never comes with me to my doctors appointments. I think my doctor thinks I’ve made him up! It was just nice to feel normal for awhile. To give the impression that there was someone that loved me. That I was a normal pregnant woman. That this whole pregnancy was planned lovingly with a man who I cared deeply for. It was just nice not to be looked down on. I’m sorry if it bothered you.

Chandler: No, it didn’t bother me. I was just wondering. I’m proud to be your fake husband.

Monica: (Giggles.) Thanks, Chandler. You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for. (She kisses him on the cheek.)

Chandler: Yeah…that’s me…the buddy.

Monica: What?

(The nurse enters.)

Nurse: Okay, miss. I just need you to sign these forms for me, please.

Monica: Okay, no problem…(As she’s signing.) Monica…Bing.

Nurse: Okay, thank you. You may leave whenever you’re ready.

Monica: Thank you.

(The nurse exits. Before Monica can revisit the buddy issue…)

Chandler: Come on. We better get you home…That Vitamin D Milk isn’t going to drink itself.

Monica: (As he helps her out of the hospital bed.) Okay.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is sitting at the window next to the balcony, looking out. It is raining. Monica and Chandler enter. He is helping her in. The apartment is dimly lit, and because of this, they do not notice Rachel.]

Monica: Um, Chandler, I just wanted to thank you for all your help tonight. I don’t think I could’ve gotten through it all with out you.

Chandler: No problem, that’s what I’m here for.

Monica: Um, when I said that I was bummed about being a single mother and stuff, and the whole fantasy thing…I just…please don’t tell Joey. He really thinks he’s handling it all perfectly. I don’t want to burst his bubble.

Chandler: Look, Mon. Some guys are meant to be fathers, and some aren’t. Most just need to wait until they’re ready. And Joey isn’t ready.

Monica: I know.

Chandler: So, I promise you this, if things don’t work out, and you need a father figure in this baby’s life, you can tell it that I’m it’s father, we’re divorced, and I’ll help you raise it like it was my own.

Monica: That’s sweet Chandler, but this is my baby, and I knew what I was getting myself into. If Joey doesn’t help, then…I guess I’m doing it alone. I have so far, anyway.

Chandler: I guess…but remember this…I didn’t have a male role model, and look how I turned out.

Monica: Yeah, you’re right, maybe I will take you up on that offer!

Chandler: That’s what I thought. (Smiles.) Come here. (Hugs her.) Well, good-night, Mon.

(Chandler leans in to kiss her on the cheek. She turns slightly, and he gets her lips. Even so, it’s a seemingly innocent kiss. They both laugh nervously. A awkward pause ensues. After about 30 seconds of staring at each other, Chandler suddenly grabs her face and kisses her full on. She is shocked for a moment, then goes with it. They start to move to the couch. He helps her to lie down on her back, then begins kissing her even more. The camera cuts to Rachel, who has been watching the entire thing quietly. As she watches, her eyes widen. Suddenly, her jaw drops. Finally, she starts to gasp and covers her mouth. She, appalled by what they are obviously doing on her couch, stands and tip toes to her bed room. Once, Chandler looks up, and she dives down under the coffee table. She reaches her door, undetected, and shuts it quickly but quietly. Chandler and Monica are none the wiser. The camera stays on Rachel’s door, but we hear noises that let us know Monica and Chandler are having sex. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the main door, and it swings open. Ross is there. At first he doesn’t notice Monica and Chandler.)

Ross: Rachel? Are you here? I’m sorry about what I said. (Notices Monica and Chandler, who immediately stopped what they were doing when he entered.) What the--??? Chandler? I thought you said you didn’t like her?

Chandler: Oh, I, uh…I changed my mind???

Ross: Um…okay, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Rachel: (Entering from her room.) Yes, I am. And I (Motions to Monica and Chandler.) caught the opening act…not pretty.

Ross: Uh, can we go in your room and leave them alone?

Rachel: Yeah…

(Ross and Rachel exit into her room.)

Chandler: (Smiling at Monica.) Now, where were we?

Monica: I dunno. Want to start over?

Chandler: Yes, please.

(Leans in to kiss her.)

[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. She is sitting on one corner, Ross is on the other.]

Rachel: Don’t think that just cuz I let you in here, you’re automatically forgiven. It doesn’t work that way.

Ross: I know. And I came to apologize. I said some really awful things to you, and they’re not true. I promise you that I don’t really feel that way. I was trying, and failed at, reverse psychology. I thought I might make you stay and maybe say you’d marry me. I know it was stupid. It’s just…I love you so much that I want some sort of promise from you that you love me too, and that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I need that commitment from you. Even if you just say to me “Ross, we’re gonna be together for the rest of our lives”, I trust you, and I’ll accept that. I just need some sort of promise.

Rachel: Ross, we’re gonna be together for the rest of our lives. I promise you that I will do everything in my power to keep us together. But Ross, I need you to understand that I’m not ready to get married. It wasn’t that long ago that I ran into a coffeehouse wearing a wedding dress, remember?

Ross: Yeah. I know. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured.

Rachel: It’s okay…I like it when you pressure me. It makes me think.

(They kiss. Things start to heat up. They move to the top of the bed, pull down the covers, and get in. The camera cuts into the hall way. Joey is returning with his date, Jessica.]

Joey: Hey, Jess, do you mind if I check in on Monica?

Jessica: No, I think it’s sweet that you look after your best friend’s baby momma while he’s away.

Joey: Oh, you know me, I’m a sweetie.

(Joey opens the door.)

Joey: Hey Mon, how ya feelin?

(Sees her and Chandler on the couch.)

Monica: Wonderful.

Joey: What’s going on here? Chandler? Why are you with Monica?

Chandler: I love her, man. I’m sorry, I know you’re prolly hurtin right now, but there’s gotta be a way to work something out, right? I mean, the three of us could make this work.

Joey: I--I, I need some time to think.

(He exits back into the hallway.)

Jessica: Well, is she okay?

Joey: Oh, uh…yeah, she’ll be fine. Um, so, you wanna go in now?

Jessica: Sure.

Joey: Great. Cuz I’m upset right now, so I could really use some sex to calm my nerves.

Jessica: What?

Joey: You’ll see…

(They enter into his apartment. The door shuts. The camera cuts back into Monica and Rachel’s apartment.)

Chandler: You wanna move into your room, cuz we keep getting caught out here.

Monica: But the only one left is Phoebe.

Chandler: True…but, what if Phoebe catches us, then we still stay out here, and some stranger came in?

Monica: Okay, okay, we’ll move. Help me up.

(Chandler helps her up, and they walk into her bedroom. The door shuts behind them.)

[Scene: Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Joey is sitting on his barca staring at the door. Chandler enters cautiously.]

Chandler: Hey…Joe.

Joey: Well, if it isn’t baby momma stealer, himself.

Chandler: Joey, I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Joey: Well, ya did. Chandler, I don’t think you realize how important this was to me. This was my chance to prove that I’m as mature as the rest of you guys. This was my shot.

Chandler: Joey, we don’t think you’re immature.

Joey: Yeah, you do! You all do. I thought if I helped Monica with the baby, you’d all see that.

Chandler: No offence, but you weren’t doing a very good job, Joe! You didn’t go to any of the check ups, you weren’t there the night she went into false labor, and why weren’t you there? You were on a date! Joey, I know you’re trying, we all know that, and Monica appreciates the effort, but she needs a strong male role model in the baby’s life, and you just aren’t what she needs. Besides all that, I love her. Okay? I want to marry her, and take care of this baby even though it isn’t mine. And I don’t want to take your place, but come on, Joe, what were you gonna do, marry her?

Joey: No.

Chandler: Then, if it wasn’t me being the baby’s step-father, it’d be someone else. Wouldn’t you rather it be someone you know and trust to help raise your child when you’re not around?

Joey: I guess so…

Chandler: Joey, I know this is complicated, and I know it’s gonna take some trial and error, but I really believe we can make it work.

Joey: I guess you’re right…I mean, if it has to be someone, I’m kinda glad it’s someone I know I can trust my child with, right?

Chandler: Exactly.

Joey: So, uh…what’d you two do last night? (Raises an eyebrow suggestively.)

Chandler: Monica was having some pregnancy-related pains, so I took her to the E.R. The baby’s fine, don’t worry, but when we were there, she let the doctors think that she was my wife, and when I asked her why, she said it’s cuz they always look down on her cuz she’s single, and stuff.

Joey: Oh…

Chandler: Yeah, so then, we came home, and I was helping her into her apartment. We got to talking, and the next thing I knew, I was just going for it and kissing her, and we laid down on the couch and started getting into it, and then Ross came in.

Joey: No way!

Chandler: Yes, way. But he was too preoccupied to get mad. He and Rachel had had a fight, and Mon and I didn’t know it, but Rach had been in the apartment the whole time, and they went into her room to talk. And then Mon and I got back into things, and that’s when you walked in. After you left, she and I went into her room so we wouldn’t get caught again. When I woke up this morning, she was in the kitchen, fixing breakfast, and was sooooo cheerful! Not at all like she’s been lately. I guess she just felt lonely before. But anyways, she sent me over here to make up with you and offer you waffles as a peace offering.

Joey: Cool. I could go for some waffles.

Chandler: I knew you would.

(They start to walk into the hallway and Monica and Rachel’s apartment.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Rachel are on the couch, cuddling. Monica is at the stove, cheerily making waffles. Joey and Chandler enter as the scene begins. Chandler walks behind Monica, hugs her and kisses her neck from behind. Monica smiles even more and turns her head slightly to give him a soft peck on the lips. Joey sits down.]

Joey: Where’s my waffles? The forgiving won’t begin until I taste syrupy, buttery goodness!

Monica: They’re right here, Joe. And I made them just the way you like. With chocolate chips!

Joey: Aww…thanks. (Takes a bite.) Oh, Mon. These are so good! You two, all is forgiven.

Chandler/Monica: Thanks.

(Chandler and Monica walk over to the big chair in the living room. He sits down in it, then she sits on his lap. Joey stays in the kitchen, at the table, eating his waffles.)

Ross: So, what are you three gonna do?

Monica: We don’t know yet.

Chandler: But…whatever happens, I’m here for her.

Joey: (Mouth full.) Yeah, me too.

Rachel: So, uh, whose name will be going on the birth certificate?

Chandler: Joey’s.

Monica: Yeah, we figured that since Chandler might end up being the baby’s step-dad, at least this way Joey will feel recognized in his contribution.

Ross: Oh. I guess that makes sense.

Chandler: Whatever happens, the three of us will talk it out, and decide something.

Rachel: I guess that’s a good way to look at it.

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment. She is returning from her date with Malcolm. She notices a message on her machine. She walks over and presses play.]

Monica: (On the machine.) Hey, Phoebe, it’s Monica. I was just calling to invite you over here. We’re celebrating and stuff and we want you to come. What? Joey! Fine. Please bring Joey a candy bar.

Joey: (On the machine.) A Milky Way!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: I came as fast as I could. Joey, here’s your candy bar. (He happily takes it.) I am ready to par-tay! What are we celebrating?

Monica: Well, Ross and Rachel made up. Chandler and I got together, and Joey’s forgiven us!

Phoebe: I didn’t know, cool, and that’s good.

All: Yeah.

Phoebe: Let’s toast with some champagne!

Monica: I can’t, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, right. Well, you can toast with milk.

All: Okay.

(Phoebe prepares five wine glasses of champagne and one wine glass of milk. All take a glass, with Monica getting the milk.)

Monica: To love and forgiveness. Especially love.

Ross: To love and forgiveness. Especially forgiveness.

Phoebe: To love and forgiveness. Especially forgiveness.

Joey: Forgiveness!

Rachel: To love and forgiveness, especially forgiveness.

Chandler: To love and forgiveness. Especially love.

(They clink their glasses and drink.)

Ross: Mon, do you realize that you and Chandler were the only two who said “especially love”?

Monica: That’s because we’re in that new relationship phase.

Joey: Pheebs is too, with that Malcolm guy, and she didn’t say love.

Phoebe: That’s because I had to forgive him for all the stuff he’s done in the past in order to date him.

Joey: Oh.

Ross: Well, I said forgiveness because I’m glad Rachel forgave me.

Rachel: And I said it cuz I’m glad I did, too.

Joey: And I said it cuz I’m grateful that I forgave Monica and Chandler…hey, that reminds me, why didn’t you say forgiveness? I forgave you guys. Aren’t you grateful, like Ross?

Chandler: Or course we are. We’re both.

Joey: Yeah…whatever.

Ross: So, Mon, do you know what the baby is yet?

Monica: No…I don’t take the test til next week.

Rachel: You thought about names yet?

Monica: Yeah…a little.

Chandler/Joey: Really? Without me?

Monica: Well, I just said I’d thought about it.

Chandler: Well, let’s hear them.

Joey: Wait. There’s one thing I wanna know first.

Monica: What?

Joey: Whose last name does it get?

Monica: Tribbianni-Bing.

Chandler: Really? I get a name?

Monica: Yes.

Joey: How come your name’s not in there?

Monica: Well, I figure one day I might marry Chandler. If I make it Tribbianni-Geller-Bing, then I’d just end up having to drop the Geller, which would be complicated to do, so I figured I’d just go ahead and skip that step.

Chandler: You really would marry me?

Monica: Yeah, after we’d been dating awhile.

Chandler: That’s sweet, Monica. But go ahead and put Geller in there. Even if we do get married, you could leave it in. Geller should be in there. If not, it won’t even have your name at all for awhile.

Monica: Okay, fine. No big deal. So the last name will be Tribbianni-Geller-Bing.

Ross: See? If you can do it, why wouldn’t Carol?

(Rachel elbows him.)

Monica: Anyways, for the first and middle names, I thought maybe…if it’s a boy, Nathaniel Blane, and if it’s a girl, Andrea Brooke.

Chandler: Blane and Brooke?

Monica: Yeah, what’s wrong with those?

Joey: The first names are great, but Brooke and Blane sound like, rich, pompous twits!

Monica: Really?

Joey: Yes.

Monica: Okay, what do you two have that’s better?

Joey: Boy? Mark Hoyt. Girl? Andrea Josephine.

Chandler: Boy? Nathaniel Joseph. Girl? Andrea Nicole.

Monica: Andrea Nicole Tribbianni-Geller-Bing. That’s pretty.

Joey: What about for a boy?

Monica: Mark Hoyt Tribbianni-Geller-Bing? Ugh. Our kid will be shot on it’s first day of school with a name like that. But Nathaniel Joseph Tribbianni-Geller-Bing, I like.

Joey: So is this how it’s gonna be? You’re always gonna side with Chandler? I thought we were gonna be equal in this. But all you’ve done so far is take Chandler’s ideas and throw mine away.

Monica: Joey, that’s not how it is. I just like Chandler’s names better.

Joey: Chandler? What does he know about good names? For crying out loud, the guy’s name is Chandler Muriel Bing. Do you really wanna be taking name advice from a guy named that? He’s got a stupid non-name.

Monica: Joey!

Chandler: Joey, I’m sorry you feel like I’m taking over man, but I’m not trying to be. I was trying to be nice to you by picking Joseph as the middle name.

Joey: Whatever. I’m outta here.

(He exits.)

Monica: Wait, Joey! Come back here. (She follows him out into the hallway.

Ross: Hey, Chandler, can I talk to you a sec?

Chandler: Sure.

(They walk off to the window and begin to talk quietly amongst themselves.)

Ross: Listen, man. Monica’s going through a tough time right now. And I don’t mean to imply anything, but she’s really vulnerable right now…you’re not…ya know, taking advantage of that, are ya?

Chandler: Not that I know of. As far as I know she really likes me. And I really like her.

Ross: Then why’d you lie to me that day when I asked you if you liked her?

Chandler: I dunno, man. I guess I was scared of what you’d think. Of what the rest of them would think. Of what she’d think. Of damaging my friendships with her or Joey. I dunno. I panicked. I’m sorry I lied to you, though.

Ross: It’s okay…just, uh, don’t hurt her, okay? Don’t take advantage of her feelings.

Chandler: Never man. I only want the best for her.

Ross: Good.

(They re-join Rachel and Phoebe, who’ve been talking since Ross and Chandler stepped to the side.)

Phoebe: You guys think Joey will be okay?

Rachel: I don’t think he realized what he was getting himself into when he let Monica use his sperm.

Ross: I don’t think Monica knew what she was getting into when she used it.

Chandler: Who would actually want to give birth to Joey’s child anyway?

Phoebe: Hey! She could do a lot worse than Joey’s baby!

Chandler: I guess…

Ross: That’s not the point. The point is, things are about to get very complicated around here if one of you two don’t back down.

Chandler: Why should I back down? I love her.

Phoebe: But why should he back down? It’s his baby.

Rachel: Yeah, and it’s not his fault that you happened to realize your feelings for her after she gets pregnant with his baby.

Chandler: No, it’s not my fault that she’s having his baby when I realized I loved her!

Ross: Okay, okay. Everybody calm down.

Chandler: No! I’m not calming down, and I’m not backing off. I love her, and I’m gonna stick this out.

Rachel: It’s not your baby. What do you care anyway?

Chandler: Because. I’m mad…

Phoebe: At Joey?

Chandler: No.

Ross: At Monica?

Chandler: No.

Rachel: Then who are you mad at, Chandler?

Chandler: At myself, okay! I’m mad at myself that I didn’t have the nerve to tell her that I wanted to have kids with her back when this whole thing started and she was talking about going to the sperm bank. Cuz if I had the guts, I would’ve told her that if she’d just wait a few more months, I would marry her and we’d have a baby together, and she wouldn’t have to go through all this. But I didn’t. And I hate myself for it. Every time I see her upset I know it’s cuz I didn’t have the balls to tell her how I felt. It’s all my fault. Okay? Are you guys happy now?

(There is a pause.)

Rachel: (Finally speaking up.) Chandler, it’s not your fault.

Chandler: Yes it is.

Ross: Chandler, it’s not your fault! How were you supposed to know that she’d end up this unhappy?

Chandler: She was going to carry Joey’s baby! Of course she was going to be unhappy.

Phoebe: She could do a lot worse than Joey!

Chandler: Pheebs, you’re always saying that. What do you mean by that? That I’m worse?

Phoebe: No, that’s not what I meant.

Chandler: Yeah, right. I get it, You think I should just break up with her and let her go off with Joey and raise the baby.

Rachel: I don’t think that’s what she meant…

Chandler: And you think I should back down too.

Rachel: No, I just think…

Chandler: I don’t care. If you guys can’t see that Monica and I belong together, then I’m outta here! (He storms out. Ross follows him.)

Phoebe: Great. So much for forgiveness.

Rachel: Tell me about it. (She walks over to the couch and slumps down dejectedly. Phoebe sits at the kitchen table and lays her head down and sighs.)

TIME LAPSE…ONE MONTH LATER…

[Scene: Central Perk. “All By Myself is playing in the background. Phoebe and Rachel sit on the couch. Joey and Ross enter talking. The turn to see Rachel and Phoebe who smile at them. They turn away from the girls, and walk to the counter.]

Ross: Two coffees, Please.

Joey: (Glances at the girls.) TO GO.

(The girls look at each other, hurt.)

[Scene: Monica, Chandler and Rachel’s apartment. Since last we seen, Chandler has moved in, and Rachel refused to move out, just to upset Monica. Chandler and Monica sit on the couch, cuddling.]

Chandler: So you still haven’t spoken to Rachel?

Monica: One month and counting. I can’t believe she would talk to you like that!

Chandler: It wasn’t that bad.

Rachel: But to want us to break up? That’s awful!

Chandler: If you hate her so bad, why don’t you ask her to move in with Ross?

Monica: They aren’t speaking either. They tried to make up after the whole fight thing, but they started talking about you and me, and they got in another fight.

Chandler: Then why is Joey hanging around Ross if Ross is on my side?

Monica: He doesn’t know. Ross told them that Phoebe and Rachel were on your side, so he hates them too.

Chandler: This is crazy. I don’t get it. We all used to be such good friends.

Monica: I know. Hey, only three more months, and maybe things will go back to normal.

Chandler: I hope so. I kinda miss talking to them.

Monica: I know. I miss them too.

[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Phoebe enters, irate.]

Phoebe: Joey, why the hell are you mad at us?

Joey: What do you mean? You know why!

Phoebe: Joey, we’re on YOUR side!

Joey: How is wanting Chandler to marry Monica and for me to back down and not help raise my child being on my side?

Phoebe: Joey, that’s not how Rachel and I feel! We want Chandler to back down and let you and Monica raise the baby!

Joey: What?

Phoebe: That’s why they’re mad at us, Joe. Rachel hasn’t spoken to Monica in a month, and they live together. We’re on your side, Joey.

Joey: But Ross told me that he was on my side, and you guys were on Chandler’s.

Phoebe: He lied, Joey. We think you should be able to raise the baby.

Joey: So…you’re on my side?

Phoebe: Yes.

Joey: Pheebs, I’m so sorry! I guess I’ve been mad at the wrong person all this time, huh?

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Yeah, you have, Joe.

Joey: I’m sorry you guys.

Rachel/Phoebe: It’s okay. (They all three hug. Ross enters, in an upbeat mood.)

Ross: Hey, Joey. Ready to play some foos?

Joey: I wouldn’t play with you if you were the last player on earth!

Ross: What’s going on? Why are THEY here?

Joey: You lied to me, Ross.

Ross: What are you talking about?

Joey: They’re on my side, and you aren’t.

Ross: Look, Joe…

Joey: So…all this time, you’ve been friends with me and Chandler. You’ve been having sex and eating cake, too!

Ross: What?

Joey: I never wanna see you again, Ross.

Rachel: Yeah, get out, you liar.

(She turns and runs into what used to be Chandler’s room.)

Ross: Rach!

(She slams the door, and he sighs. He turns and walks out slowly into the hallway. Phoebe runs over to the door and slams it in his face.)

Phoebe: And don’t come back, Geller!

(Ross walks into Monica, Chandler, and Rachel’s apartment. Monica and Chandler are pretty much the same as when last we left them.)

Ross: Well, so much for my fraternizing with the enemy plan.

Monica: What’s going on?

Ross: I think Joey found out that I’m on your side. I’m not really sure. It was kinda confusing. He said something about having sex and eating cake??

Chandler: Yup, he found out all right.

Ross: When did everything get this complicated?

Monica: When I was so selfish and stupid that I impregnated myself with Joey’s sperm.

Chandler: Hey, you aren’t selfish or stupid. Anyone could’ve made that mistake.

Monica: You wouldn’t.

Chandler: Sweetie, if I could impregnate myself with Joey’s child, I don’t think you and I would be dating…unless, of course, you made a serious change in lifestyle.

Monica: You know what I mean.

Chandler: Yeah, I know. (Kisses her forehead.)

(Rachel enters and quickly goes into her room. She comes out carrying a box.)

Rachel: I will come back for the rest of my stuff later.

Monica: Wait, where are you going?

Rachel: I’m moving in with Joey. I don’t wanna live over here. The karma is too rancid.

Ross: Rach, wait.

Rachel: Ross, I have nothing to say to you. You’re a backstabber and a liar. You just need to keep away from me.

Ross: But…

Rachel: I don’t want to hear it. Good-bye.

(She exits. Monica looks at Ross and Chandler and bursts out crying. They both hug her and console her.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment, late one night. This takes place two months after the previous scene. Not much has changed. Monica, Chandler, and Ross vs. Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe. Monica and Chandler are in bed, asleep. Monica awakens with a start and then shakes Chandler to wake him.]

Chandler: (Sleepily.) Hm?

Monica: Chandler, I think I’m in labor.

Chandler: But you’ve still got another month to go.

Monica: I don’t think the baby knows that.

Chandler: Okay, okay. I’m gonna get us a cab, and then call Ross and the hospital from my cell phone, okay?

Monica: Okay.

[Scene: A cab. Monica and Chandler are in the back. Monica is moaning in pain. Chandler is on the phone.]

Chandler: Ross? Hi.

Ross: What’s up that you have to call this late?

Chandler: Monica’s in labor. Can you go over to Joey’s and tell him that this baby’s about to be born and that if he wants to see it, he better get his ass to General?

Ross: Sure.

Chandler: Thanks. See ya there, okay?

Ross: Right. Bye.

(Chandler hangs up and starts to comfort Monica.)

[Scene: A labor room, some time later. Monica is having a contraction and squeezing Chandler’s hand. They are both screaming in pain. Joey enters, followed by Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe. Joey rushes to Monica’s side and knocks Chandler away. He then takes her hand and lets her squeeze his.]

Chandler: What the hell, man?

Joey: I’m the father. This is my job. Go away.

Chandler: Well, I’m the stepfather. I get to help, too.

Monica: I don’t care which one of you it is, I just wanna get this watermelon out!

Chandler: It’ll be okay, sweetie.

(The doctor enters and looks surprised to see four new people there.)

Doctor: Okay, I don’t know who let all of you in, but only the father is allowed back here.

(Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe exit. Chandler stays by Monica’s left side, and Joey stays on the right.)

Doctor: Um, one of you have to leave. Only the father can be back here.

Joey/Chandler: We know.

Doctor: So…leave, one of you.

Joey: You leave, it’s my baby.

Chandler: You leave. Just because you donated some sperm you think you’re entitled to this. I’ve been there for her for the past few months. I’ve held her hair back when she was having morning sickness. I took her to the hospital when she went into false labor. Where were you? On a date.

Joey: It’s still my kid!

Chandler: But it’s mine too. I love it like it was my own.

Doctor: What’s going on here?

(Chandler and Joey each start to talk at once, telling their own side of the story.)

Doctor: You know what? Never mind. I’m sorry I asked. You can both stay if you’ll just shut up.

Joey/Chandler: Fine.

(The doctor starts checking Monica.)

Doctor: Okay, hon. It’s time to start pushing.

Chandler: Come on, sweetie, you can do this.

Joey: Yeah, sweetie. You can do this. (Chandler glares at Joey. Monica begins pushing. After a few pushes…)

Doctor: One more, hon.

(Monica pushes once more, and Chandler runs to see it. Joey steps back and looks at all the baby-goo.)

Chandler: It’s beautiful.

Joey: It’s disgusting.

(The nurses take the baby and clean it up. They then hand it to Monica.)

Doctor: You’ve got a beautiful, healthy, slightly premature, baby girl.

Monica: Hello, Baby Girl Tribbianni-Geller-Bing.

Joey: I’m sorry.

Monica: For what?

Joey: For fighting. She’s so beautiful. I just…I look in her eyes, and I know everything will be okay.

Chandler: Yeah. We’ll work something out.

Joey: Right.

Chandler: So…name?

Monica: Well, we said Andrea Nicole.

Chandler: No, let’s name her something we all agree on.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: How about Angel?

Joey: I like that.

Monica: Why Angel?

Chandler: Because, she’s a beautiful angel sent from heaven to us.

Monica: Okay. Angel. I like that, too. Middle name?

Chandler: How about Josephine, after Joey?

Joey: Nah, you guys don’t have to do that.

Monica: No. I like that. Angel Josephine Tribbianni-Geller-Bing. It’s pretty.

Chandler: And it ties the record for longest name.

Monica: True.

Joey: You can take out Tribbianni if you want.

Monica: No way. It is your baby, too.

Chandler: How about you take out Geller?

Monica: But, we agreed we’d leave it in until we got married.

Chandler: I know. How about we get married next week?

Monica: But I can’t plan a wedding that fast!

Chandler: Well, we can go to city hall next week, get married, then start planning a ceremony. Maybe for Angel’s first birthday?

Monica: Okay.

Joey: Angel Josephine Tribbianni-Bing.

Monica: My little angel.

(Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe enter to see all smiling at each other and holding the baby.)

Phoebe: You guys made up?

Chandler: Yeah. It’s hard to even remember what you were fighting about when you look into this gorgeous angel from heaven’s eyes.

Rachel: What’s her name?

Joey: Angel...duh!

Rachel: I mean the rest of it.

Chandler: Angel Josephine Tribbianni-Bing.

Ross: I thought you were keeping Geller in there?

Monica: I was going to, until Chandler asked me to marry him next week at city hall.

Rachel: But Mon, I always thought you wanted a big ceremony.

Monica: I do. We’re getting married at city hall next week, then having a big ceremony on Angel’s first birthday.

Phoebe: Oh…that’s so sweet.

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: I’m glad you guys have made up.

Monica: Me, too. Whatever comes up, we can work through it.

(Phoebe and Rachel start to walk over to hold Angel, but Ross stops Rachel. He takes her off to the side and kisses her. Rachel pulls back.)

Rachel: What was that about?

Ross: I want you back.

Rachel: I dunno, Ross. All we ever do is fight.

Ross: Whatever comes up, we can work through it.

Rachel: But…

(He stops her by kissing her passionately. By now, the rest of the gang is looking on.)

Ross: But what?

Rachel: Nothing. (Kisses him again.) Hey, remember that proposal?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Is it still open?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Then what do you say we have a double wedding with those two at city hall?

Ross: I say hell yeah.

(They kiss again. The rest of the gang smiles.)

Phoebe: Yay! This is so great. Monica had her baby, none of us are fighting, and all four of you guys are getting married! And, I actually have a date to it!

Monica: Who?

Phoebe: Malcolm!

Monica: The stalker?

Phoebe: Yeah he went to rehab.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: See, this is why we shouldn’t fight, cuz now Joey, Rach, and me have to spend the next few hours catching you guys up on what’s been going on.

Monica: Right.

Joey: Let’s never fight again.

Chandler: Joe, are you aware of how corny you just sounded?

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: But he’s right though. We shouldn’t fight like this anymore.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Okay, no more fighting. Agreed?

All: Agreed.

(The gang all huddles around Monica, who is still holding Angel, and starts to coo over the baby. The scene fades black on them like this.)





***************THE *************************** END***************





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