TOW ALL THE EX'S



I OWN NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS AND MAKE NO MONEY OFF OF THIS. AS FAR AS THE FIC, THE TIME IS RIGHT AFTER ROSS AND RACHEL BROKE UP. MONICA IS ALONE AND DEPRESSED AND SO IS RACHEL.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Monica and Rachel are sitting alone on the couch.]

Rachel: No offence, Mon, but I hate your brother.

Monica: I hate men.

Rachel: Ross is worse than Paolo, ya know.

Monica: How?

Rachel: Paolo just made a move on Phoebe, but Ross actually slept with Chloe.

Monica: Oh. Yeah, you’re right.

Rachel: I know. You were better off with Fun Bobby.

Monica: How?

Rachel: Because he might’ve been willing to have kids with you. But Richard…

Monica: Oh, don’t even mention his name! (She starts sniffling.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s. They’re watching Baywatch.]

Chandler: Run, Yasmine, run!

Joey: I still can’t believe you prefer Yasmine!

Chandler: Come on, look at her!

Joey: (Rolls his eyes.) Whatever dude.

[Scene: Ross’s apartment. A song such as, “All By Myself” should be playing in the background.]

Ross: (He’s sad, pathetic, and crying.) Rachel! Rachel. God, I’m so stupid! (He picks up the phone and dials a number, then, into the phone.) Hi. Uh, listen, can you meet me at the coffeehouse in fifteen minutes? Okay. Great. Bye.

(He picks up his coat, puts it on, then exits his apartment.)

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment. She’s sitting alone, watching a movie. The phone rings.]

Phoebe: (Answering the phone.) Hello? David? You’re where? I’ll be there in five minutes! (She slams the phone down and runs out.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross enters and walks up to a woman. If you haven’t guessed who it is that he’s meeting yet, then I’m not going to tell you. Just kidding I will. But not yet.]

Ross: Hey, thanks for meeting with me.

Woman: Yeah, well, I was hesitant, but…

Ross: Look, I’m sorry about what happened…I was…stupid.

Woman: Yeah…you were. But I forgive you. So, last I heard, you were dating Rachel…how’s that going?

Ross: We just broke up.

Woman: Gee, that’s too bad.

Ross: You don’t mean that.

Woman: You’re right. So, why’d you want to meet with me?

Ross: (Still can’t figure out who it is? Jeez, I guess I’ll have to tell you!) Julie, I want you back.

Julie: So, I’m second choice? The only reason you want me back is because you and Rachel broke up.

Ross: No, that’s not it. You happen to be very special to me.

Julie: Why?

Ross: Because, uh, well, I don’t think I ever told you this, but you know how Carol and I got divorced, right?

Julie: Yeah…

Ross: Well, she was the only woman I’d…ever…ya know…slept with. Until you. I know it sounds girly, but, uh, that makes you kinda special to me.

Julie: So, what do you want? A relationship? A one-night stand? What?

Ross: You, in whatever form you’re willing to come in.

Julie: Why don’t we go to your apartment?

(They exit. As they exit, Phoebe enters, looks around but doesn’t see David, so she goes and sits on the couch. A few seconds later, David enters from the bathroom, looks around, spots Phoebe.)

David: Phoebe!

Phoebe: David! Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be in Minsk?

David: Yeah, and I have to go back tomorrow, but, uh, I couldn’t resist seeing you. It’s been quite awhile.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know.

David: So, where do you want to go today? I have all day.

Phoebe: Let’s go to all the places we went before you left…

David: Okay.

(They exit.)

[Scene: A store. Chandler and Joey are Christmas shopping.]

Joey: Okay, which should I get for Ross, dinosaur crap or Discovery Channel crap?

Chandler: (Mulls it over.) Hmm…I’m gonna take a risk and go with the Discovery Channel crap.

Voice from somewhere off-camera: Oh, my God! (Yup. You-know-who!) Is that my Bing-a-ling!?

Chandler: (Turns around, sees who it is.) Oh, no, Janice?

Different voice from off camera: And look what she brought. Very nice…

Joey: Lorraine?

[Scene: Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler’s apartment building. Rachel is searching around, looking at the numbers.]

Rachel: (Spots a cat.) Oh, no. That’s Paolo’s cat. (She stoops to pick it up, takes it to an apartment, knocks on the door. Paolo answers it.)

Paolo: Rachella?

Rachel: Here’s your cat.

Paolo: Uh, how do you say, thanks?

Rachel: You’re welcome.

(She turns to leave, but Paolo grabs her arms, spins her around and kisses her. At first she resists, but then gets into it and kisses him back.)

[Scene: Monica’s parents’ house. Ross is there with Julie, and Monica is there alone. They all sit around in the living room, conversing with the Gellers.]

Judy: So, Monica, what’s going on with your boyfriend. Oh, that’s right, Richard is with his ex-wife now.

Monica: Yes, well…

(Just then, there’s a knock at the door. Jack gets up and answers it. It’s Richard.)

Richard: (Entering.) Hello, Jack. Hello, Judy. Hi, Ross; girl with Ross…Oh. Hello, Monica.

Monica: Hello.

Richard: (To Jack.) I was wondering if you’d like to go golfing with me this afternoon.

Jack: Oh. Well, I’d love to.

Richard: Judy, Ross, Monica, you’re all welcome to come, too.

All but Monica: Sure.

Monica: (Reluctantly.) Okay.

[Scene: A golf course. Monica, Ross, Julie, Jack, Judy, and Richard are all present. Richard is preparing to swing. He swings it back and hits Jack in the knee.]

Jack: Ow! My knee!

Judy: Are you all right, dear?

Jack: No. It really hurts. I may need to go to the hospital.

(Jack, Judy, Ross, and Julie pile into the car.)

Judy: Monica, you go with Richard.

(Monica reluctantly gets in Richard’s car, and all pull out for the hospital.)

[Scene: Richard’s car. Monica is looking out the window.]

Richard: Monica…can I talk to you?

Monica: Sure.

Richard: Uh, Mon, I love you. And if having kids is what it takes to get you back, then call me daddy.

Monica: Do you mean that? I mean, do you want to do that?

Richard: Yeah. Look, I don’t care if we have a child or not. But you do. And you’re what matters most to me, so I will have a child with you and love it all the more because it is with you.

Monica: Let’s go to my apartment.

(Richard turns off the road and drives like hell.)

[Scene: The store. Chandler and Joey have met up with Lorraine and Janice.]

Janice: Bing-a-ling, what are you doing here?

Chandler: (Sighing.) Christmas shopping, (Wishing with all that he has that he isn’t there, and this is just a dream.) for my dumb-ass friend, Ross.

Janice: And how is Rossy-poo? I miss you and all your friends, especially you, Joey!

Joey: Uh, yeah.

Lorraine: So, Joey. How come you never called me?

Joey: Uh…

Janice: See, Chandler. I told you something deep within your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice! Janice! You brought us back together again. You pushed me away, you pulled me back!

Chandler: Uh, Janice. Janice, us getting back together isn’t exactly a good idea.

Janice: Well. Well, there you go. (Starts waving her hands in front of her face. Then under her breath: ) Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.

Lorraine: So, Joey. Want to go to my place? We can stop on the way and get some chocolate mousse!

Joey: Sure. Hey, Chandler, I’m leavin’.

Lorraine: Yeah me, too, Janice.

(Joey walks over and hands his purchases to Chandler and gives him his credit card.)

Chandler: (Glances at Janice.) No, not again!

[Scene: Paolo’s apartment. He and Rachel are kissing on the couch.]

Rachel: God, I’ve missed you.

Paolo: Do wish to get into the uh, bed?

Rachel: Rachella says, “Hell, yeah!”

[Scene: The hospital. Ross, Julie, Jack, and Judy enter with Jack in a wheelchair.]

Ross: Where the hell are Monica and Richard?

Judy: Oh, no. Not again.

Julie: Ross, honey, I’m going to the bathroom.

Ross: Okay, sweetie. Actually, I need to go to the bathroom also.

(Julie goes into the ladies’ room. Ross enters the men’s room.)

[Scene: The men’s room. Ross is standing around, dialing on his cell phone.]

Ross: (On Phone, cut to a shot of Julie washing her hands in the ladies’ room sink. She can hear Ross’s conversation through a vent, she looks intrigued and decides to listen.) Hello? Rachel? I know this is just your machine, but I want you to know that I am so sorry about the whole Chloe thing, and I love you. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, will you marry me? Well, I know that this probably isn’t the way you imagined being proposed to, but I had this whole beautiful thing planned, but then we broke up, so I’m just…this is the best I can do right now, so…uh, just call my cell when you get this message, okay? I love you. Good-bye. (Julie looks hurt, we see a lone tear slide down her cheek, then she runs into the stall and you hear her sobbing.)

[Scene: The area outside the bathroom, Ross is looking around for Julie. When he doesn’t see her, he begins to call her name.]

Ross: Julie? Julie?

Julie: (From the bathroom.) Go away, I hate you.

Ross: What? (Enter’s the ladies’ room.) What? Why do you hate me?

Julie: (From inside a stall.) I heard your little answering machine message for Rachel.

Ross: Oh…uh, listen, that…that…that was just…the depression.

Julie: (Enters from the bathroom.) If you’re still depressed over this, then you are obviously not over her. I…Ijust can’t be in this relationship…I’m sorry.

Ross: Well, what about you? You started going out with Russ, so aren’t you cheating on him by being here? (AN: I don’t think they showed this is the TV version, but in the extended version on the “Season 2 DVD”, it shows that Julie walks into Central Perk on “TOW Russ” and Russ flirts with her, and they leave together. I just thought I should put that in here, in case there is someone who hasn’t seen that part.)

Julie: For your information, we broke up. Something about he was in love with this “Racquel” girl or something.

Ross: Oh, I’m sorry.

Julie: Don’t be. Listen, Ross, you’re a good person. I know you are. But you think to much with your heart, and not enough with your head. You and Joey, you two are the extremists. You are so ready for commitment, and so passionate. And that’s a good thing. But then you’ve got Joey who thinks commitment is a dirty word, and is very…libido oriented. But then you’ve got Chandler, who is this combination of the two of you. Like you, he wants to commit. But like Joey, he’s afraid to. I hate to say this, but you need to become more like Chandler.

Ross: Maybe you’re right…I mean, what kind of guy is in love with one girl for 10 years? That’s just ridiculous.

Julie: No, it’s not ridiculous. It’s passionate.

Ross: It’s pathetic.

Julie: Ross, you’re gonna be fine. You just need…to take some time by yourself, and think things over. Who knows, you just might find out, that you’re not in love with Rachel…just fixated on her.

Ross: Is that what you think? That I’m fixated?

Julie: Well…yes.

Ross: Julie, no offence, but I’m in no way fixated on her…I just…I love her. She’s my…lobster.

Julie: Lobster??

Ross: Long story.

Julie: Okaaayyyy…

Ross: The point is that Rachel is my soul mate.

Julie: Ross, I can almost bet you that that’s the way you felt about Carol when you married her.

Ross: Well…

Julie: But look how that turned out. You wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. Obviously, she could not be your “soul mate”.

Ross: You act like you don’t believe in soulmates.

Julie: I don’t.

Ross: Well, I do, and I’ve found mine. Rachel is it. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I love her.

Julie: Ross, that’s your choice, but…I wish you would listen to my advice.

(Judy approaches.)

Judy: Ross, could you do me a favor? I don’t want this whole Monica and Richard thing getting started again…could you stop by his house and do whatever it takes to…sperate them?

Ross: Mom, that’s not really your or my decision to make.

Judy: Well, Monica doesn’t seem to be doing a very good job, now, does she?

Ross: Mom, neither you or I know what’s really best for her. Only she does. If she thinks Richard is, then that’s her choice.

Judy: But, Ross…

Ross: Mom, just let her be, okay? It’s not that big of a deal, nor is it any of your business who she dates. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take Julie home.

Julie: I can just get a cab by myself, Ross.

Ross: No. You and I need to talk.

Julie: Fine.

(They leave, with Judy looking quite offended at Ross’s comments.)

[Scene: Richard’s house. He and Monica enter kissing.]

Monica: Wait.

Richard: What’s the matter?

Monica: Richard, aren’t you back together with your ex-wife?

Richard: Well, yes, but I can tell her it’s over.

Monica: That’s not what’s bothering me. If…heaven forbid, my parents got divorced, then almost got back together and were sooooo close and then someone came in and ripped them back apart when they were this close to getting back together, I would hate that person.

Richard: But Monica, this isn’t about anyone but us.

Monica: I know that. But…I don’t want to be that girl. You should try to work things out with your wife. I’m sorry. Can you give me a ride home?

Richard: If that’s what you really want.

Monica: It is.

(They exit to get in Richard’s car.)

[Scene: The store. Chandler is looking at Janice like “Dear God, this can’t be happening.”]

Chandler: You know, I think I’m gonna go now. See ya.

(Starts to leave.)

Janice: (Quietly.) I love you Chandler.

(Chandler stops, looks pained like he’s trying to make himself do the right thing, but he really doesn’t want to.)

Chandler: (Sighs, then turns around.) Janice, I know you do. And believe me. I want to love you, because that would be so easy. To just love you, and get married and have kids, that would be sooooo easy. But…I just don’t. And I hate being out there in the dating world, so believe me, I would be more than happy to end it right now, and just go be with you, but…I can’t. I wouldn’t be happy, and I would make you and myself positively miserable. I just don’t love you. And I’m sorry. Haven’t you ever met a guy who was soooo great, and soooo nice, and smart and funny, but…that was it. You didn’t like him in that way. Haven’t you?

Janice: Well, yeah.

Chandler: Well, that’s how I feel about you. I’m sorry, Janice. I really do have to go now.

Janice: Okay…I still love you though.

Chandler: I know.

(He exits. Janice starts crying.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is there, on the couch, huddled up in the fetal position. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Listen, I need to talk to you.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Today I went out with Julie.

Rachel: Ross, I’m not sure I want to hear this.

Ross: No, just hear me out. And uh, have you checked your messages?

Rachel: No. Why?

Ross: Because…I left you one.

(Hits play on the answering machine. His message starts playing.)

Ross on the machine: Hello? Rachel? I know this is just your machine, but I want you to know that I am so sorry about the whole Chloe thing, and I love you. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, will you marry me? Well, I know that this probably isn’t the way you imagined being proposed to, but I had this whole beautiful thing planned, but then we broke up, so I’m just…this is the best I can do right now, so…uh, just call my cell when you get this message, okay? I love you. Good-bye.

Rachel: You proposed to me?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: Because I love you.

Rachel: Well, I can’t.

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: (Stands up and begins walking around the living room.) First off, I can’t trust you. Secondly, I uh, ran into Paolo today.

Ross: And?

Rachel: We…uh, we…had sex.

Ross: What? Already?

Rachel: Oh, please! We weren’t even broken up yet and you slept with someone else!

Ross: That was different. Rach, I don’t know if you could ever love me or any one else as much as I loved you. I hated myself. It was like “Gee, Ross…you’re so stupid. You wait 10 years to finally get the girl, and then you go a screw it up like this. It’s over. She dumped you.” And then Chloe came over, and…that was it. She…you know what happened after that. This is totally different. You dumped me both times, okay? This is completely different. I just…God, Rachel. Even after knowing this, I would still want to work at this and see if we could work this out. I’d go to counciling. I’d do whatever it took. But…you…you never gave me a chance. So maybe you and I are different. I think of you as Miss Right, but all you saw me as is just someone to do it with until you find another Barry.

Rachel: Take that back! You…Ross, that’s low.

Ross: Yeah, well…at least it’s true.

Rachel: You know, when you said you’d like to work on it, I thought maybe we could, but obviously not.

Ross: Rach…it shouldn’t be this hard. You make things so difficult with your snooty little attitude. I can’t…God, you are so spoiled!

Rachel: I am not!

Ross: Yes you are! You have to have everything exactly right. If it’s not, it’s not good enough for you. And I’m not perfect, so I guess I’m not good enough. I’m out of here.

Rachel: I love you, Ross…but…you’re right. It is too hard.

Ross: Yeah, well…sometimes, I guess love isn’t enough.

Rachel: I guess so.

Ross: I love you, Rach. But I’m never gonna get over you until I get some time away from you. Here’s the deal. You don’t talk to me, and I don’t talk to you. Okay?

Rachel: Why do you not want to even be my friend?

Ross: I do. But I can’t be until this urge to grab you and kiss you, and make love to you…until all that goes away, I can’t be your friend, and I need some time away from you to do that. This is a lot harder to get over for me that it is for you. Like I said, you never loved me the way I loved you.

Rachel: Okay…So, uh…I’ll see you…sometime…

Ross: Okay.

(He exits. She starts crying and goes into her room. A few seconds later, Monica enters. She sits down on the couch, and a tear starts running down her cheek.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s. Chandler comes in. He sits down on one of the barcas. He turns on the TV and the chick and the duck join him.]

Chandler: Hey, guys. Been taking care of the house for me?

(The duck quacks.)

Chandler: Good. Man, you aren’t gonna believe what happened. A woman told me she loved me and I dumped her. Like that’s ever gonna happen to me again. I swear, she’s a nice girl, but…I just don’t like her that way…I don’t think I like anyone like that now. I think I need some time away from women…(Smiles.) Okay, one finally wants me, and now’s when I want time to myself. Sheesh.

TIME LAPSE…Chandler has fallen asleep. The chick and the duck are on his lap, “watching” the TV. We enter Chandler’s dream.

[Scene: Chandler’s dream. Set in Monica and Rachel’s apartment. He is on the couch. Rachel enters from her bed room.]

Dream Rachel: Hey, Chandler.

Dream Chandler: Hey.

Dream Rachel: So, how’ve things been lately?

Dream Chandler: Sucky…I’ve been so lonely.

Dream Rachel: Me, too.

Dream Chandler: Want to be lonely together?

Dream Rachel: Sure.

(She sits down next to him and he puts his arm around her. They sit there for a few moments, then begin kissing. He basically pushes her down into a laying position, then they start to undress each other…)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s. Chandler is still asleep…Joey comes in, and when he shuts the door it wakes up Chandler.]

Chandler: Don’t leave Rachel!

Joey: Rachel?

Chandler (Getting more awake.) Oh. Hi, Joey.

Joey: What was this about Rachel?

Chandler: Huh? Oh…nothing.

Joey: It was something.

Chandler: Well, remember how she had that dream about me and her doing it on the table at the coffeehouse?

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: Well, I just had one where we were doing it on her and Monica’s couch.

Joey: Excellent dream score!

Chandler: Yeah, well…I don’t know…this was different than when I usually dream about me and a girl.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: I didn’t enjoy it. It was good and everything, but I didn’t enjoy it.

Joey: What about it didn’t you enjoy?

Chandler: I don’t know…I think the dream me felt guilty cuz she’s Ross’s ex…maybe…I don’t know.

Joey: Oh, well, I guess that’s understandable…

Chandler: But I just wish I knew why I even dreamed that. I mean, it was just so out of the blue.

Joey: Maybe you’re subconciously mad at Ross and want revenge?

Chandler: What would I be mad at Ross about?

Joey: Well, cuz he’s the reason you can’t have the girl you want.

Chandler: I don’t want Rachel.

Joey: Not Rachel, Monica.

Chandler: I don’t want Monica.

Joey: Sure you do.

Chandler: No, I don’t. What would make you think that?

Joey: Please, it’s obvious. And you think you can’t have her because she’s Ross’s little sister, so you’re subconsciously mad at Ross because of that. And that’s why you dreamed you slept with Rachel, cuz the part of you that’s mad and wants revenge knows that the best way would be to sleep with Rach.

Chandler: Wow, uh…how’d you figure all that out?

Joey: Did you know you talk in your sleep?

Chandler: No, I don’t.

Joey: Yes, you do. Every night, you’re in there moaning Monica’s name in your sleep.

Chandler: Huh…who’d have thought that JOEY would give me this big of a revelation?

Joey: Not me!

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment. She and David are there kissing on the couch.]

David: Phoebe, there’s something I need to ask you.

Phoebe: Okay.

David: Will you marry me?

Phoebe: What?

David: Phoebe, I love you. And I would be willing to give up my job in Minsk to be with you. But I need something more permanent than just a relationship.

Phoebe: Gee, David…I mean, I don’t know…

David: I would give you time to think about it, but my flight leaves in two hours, meaning I need to get going.

Phoebe: Gee, uh…I don’t think I’m ready to get married right now…I mean, I love you, too. And I’d love to be with you, and I’d love for you to come back. But…I can’t get married right now.

David: I want all that, too, but…Phoebe, can you try to understand why I can’t give all this up for just a relationship?

Phoebe: Of course. And I wish your job was here in New York. But…

David: Impossible.

Phoebe: Yeah.

David: I uh, better get going.

Phoebe: Okay.

David: Phoebe, um…never forget me.

Phoebe: Never.

David: Good-bye.

Phoebe: Bye.

(He exits…we see him outside in the hallway. He leans on the door.)

David: Good-bye, Phoebe. This time for good.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica is cooking. Rachel is in her room. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

(Chandler walks over to the kitchen. She is at the sink. He leans on the counter next to her, facing the livingroom. He looks into her eyes for a minute, then kisses her.)

Monica: What was that about?

Chandler: Sorry…I couldn’t help it.

Monica: Huh?

Chandler: Mon, I uh, I…you’re my lobster, okay?

Monica: I’m your what?

Chandler: Lobster…

Monica: What’s that mean?

Chandler: I’m not sure, you’d have to ask Phoebe, but…what I’m trying to tell you is that I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the day I moved in next door.

Monica: Okay…well, you did.

Chandler: Yeah, but I want to kiss you again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

Monica: That’s a lot of “again”s.

Chandler: I know. I want to be your boyfriend, Monica. I wasn’t joking when Ben was born or at the beach (Yeah, I know, that happened quite a bit later than the time of this, but pretend that it happened while Ross and Rachel were still dating, but Monica and Richard broke up, minus Bonnie, of course.). I really do want to be your boyfriend and have kids with you.

Monica: Wow…uh, you know, Rachel is in the next room, we should go somewhere private to talk about this.

Chandler: Balcony?

Monica: Okay.

(They go out to the balcony.)

Monica: Now, what brought all this on?

Chandler: Well, I fell asleep and had this dream that I was doing it with Rachel on your couch.

Monica: And that made you decide you wanted to be with me?

Chandler: No, let me finish. Anyway, Joey came home and woke me up, and I told him about the dream, because I’m not attracted to Rachel like that. He said that it was because I wanted revenge on Ross, and I’m like “what?” and he said that I was subconciously mad at Ross because it was his fault that I couldn’t be with you because you’re his little sister. And I said “But I don’t want to be with Monica” and he said yeah, I did because he hears me moaning your name at night when I’m asleep. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was right. I can’t believe it took Joey to make me realize it.

Monica: Me neither. Are you sure you didn’t really sleep with Rachel, then dream the Joey thing? That seems more plausible than Joey figuring something out.

Chandler: Yes, I’m sure I dreamt the Rachel thing and the Joey thing was real.

Monica: Well, I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about you in that way since I met you and heard you calling me fat.

Chandler: You heard that? Oh, I’m so sorry about that, but I’ve changed. And I’m crazy about you, Monica. Think how great this could be.

Monica: But what will the guys say? What will Ross say?

Chandler: Since when did this become about them? Who cares what they think? The only two people this is about is you and me. I know you’re attracted to me. And I’m crazy about you.

Monica: But what if we break up?

Chandler: Monica, look…I can’t promise you that we won’t. And I can’t promise that things will always be perfect. But what I can promise is that…I will never intentionally do anything to hurt you. I can promise that I will treat you in the way that you deserve to be treated. And I can promise that no one will ever care about you as much as I do.

Monica: Well…

Chandler: Please, Mon. Give us a shot.

Monica: Okay. But…if you hurt me, I’ll kick your ass.

Chandler: Deal.

(They kiss and go back into the apartment.)

[Scene: Julie’s apartment. There’s a knock at the door. She enters from a room to the left of the living room. She answers the door, and it’s Ross.]

Julie: What are you doing here?

Ross: You were right. She’s not my soul mate. She’s not anything to me, really.

Julie: I’m glad you realize that.

Ross: Yeah…well…(Kisses her.)

Julie: What was that for?

Ross: For being you.

(They kiss again, and start getting into it.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Monica and Chandler are in her bedroom, but Rachel is in the living room. She picks up the phone and dials a number…cut to Ross at Julie’s, he’s starting to undress her. Cut back to Rachel.]

Rachel: Come on…please answer.

(Back to Ross and Julie. His cell phone rings. He moves to answer it, but Julie stops him.)

Julie: Leave it.

(The phone keeps ringing. He finally picks it up.)

Ross: Hello? (Julie looks a bit mad.)

(Cut to Rachel. It cuts back with each person’s line.)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: What do you want?

Rachel: Ross, please. Can’t we work on this?

Ross: I don’t know…

Rachel: Please. Meet me at Central Perk. Ross, I love you. And I know they say if you love someone let them go, but I can’t.

Ross: (Sighs.) Okay.

Rachel: Thank you!

(They hang up. Ross looks slowly at Julie, by now very mad.)

Ross: I have to go.

Julie: WHY?

Ross: Long story.

Julie: It’s Rachel, isn’t it?

Ross: Yeah.

Julie: You’re hopeless.

Ross: I’m sorry.

Julie: Whatever.

(They start to get re-dressed.)

Ross: No, really.

Julie: Ross, I can handle myself. Obviously, you can’t.

Ross: What?

Julie: You’re still stuck on one girl! It’s pathetic!

Ross: Earlier, you said it was passionate.

Julie: Ross, it’s called a white lie. You tell it to make someone feel better.

Ross: You…never mind. I’m outta here.

(He leaves.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is waiting on the couch. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: (Turning and seeing him.) Hi!

Ross: Rach, I…where do we start?

Rachel: Well, first off, there is nothing to worry about as far as Paolo goes, because you’re the only one I want.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: And as for Chloe…(Ross winces.) I think I finally forgive you for that. I mean, we were on a break, and even at that, I think I understand why you did it now. The same reason that I went with Paolo.

Ross: Okay.

Rachel: And, well, I love you. And no matter what it takes, I want to keep working at our relationship, because I don’t want to lose you.

Ross: Me neither.

(They kiss. They start really getting into it. Gunther enters from the back room and starts crying. He exits back into the back next to the bathroom. We follow him. He stands next to the bathroom waiting to go in.)

Gunther: Rachel! Why?

(A woman comes out of the lady’s room.)

Woman: Aw, hey, what’s the matter?

Gunther: Oh, it’s nothing.

Woman: Doesn’t look like nothing.

Gunther: Just…this girl.

Woman: Say no more. I know how you must feel. (Hugs him.) I’m Cindy, by the way.

Gunther: I’m Gunther.

(He stands there crying on her for a few seconds. She lifts his head, and kisses him on the cheek, but then on the lips. They keep kissing and back into the lady’s bathroom. A few minutes later, Gunther comes out with a dazed look on his face. Ross and Rachel are still kissing. He walks over to the couch.)

Gunther: Hey, Rachel?

(Ross and Rachel stop kissing.)

Rachel: Yeah?

Gunther: I’m sooooo over you.

(He walks off.)

Rachel: (Looks confused.) Huh?

Ross: (Shrugs.) Let’s go up to your apartment.

Rachel: Okay.

(They exit.)

[Scene: The hallway outside Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross and Rachel enter and go into the apartment. They start kissing and taking off their jackets and undressing each other. They enter Rachel’s bedroom. They enter, shut the door, then turn to get on the bed, and Paolo is there, naked, with Rachel’s panties in his teeth (Author’s Note: **sigh** what an image!).]

Rachel: Paolo! What are you doing here? How’d you get in???

Paolo: Monica. We, uh…make love now?

Rachel: No!

Paolo: (Looks confused.) No?

Rachel: No! Get out of here.

Ross: No, maybe I should. I can’t compare with that.

(Starts running. Gets to the hallway, with Rachel hot in pursuit.)

Rachel: (Running to catch up with Ross.) Ross! Wait!

Ross: Why should I? (Stops.)

Rachel: (Still running to him.) Because I love you, Ross!

Ross: But what about Paolo? Rach, I can’t compete with…that. Phoebe was right…Boy Scouts CAN CAMP UNDER THERE! And anyway, I can’t send you shoes or call you from Rome. I can’t…give you that stupid animal sex. I’m not some hot Italian guy. I’m just Ross…a plain old, stupid, New York-bound, chipmuck sexed, Jewish guy. The only thing that I have that this guy doesn’t is that I love you. He dwarfs me. You’d probably be much happier with him anyway.

Rachel: Ross, I was just trying to get over you! And I don’t care about phone calls and shoes from Rome. I don’t care chipmunk or animal sex. None of that’s important. You were right. You do have something that he hasn’t got, but he doesn’t dwarf you by a long shot. I love you way to much to care about any of that crap. All that matters is the fact that I know I can live without you, but I don’t want to.

Ross: Rach…don’t. Don’t be with me out of pity.

Rachel: Ross…this isn’t pity. I pity people who never in their entire lives have this feeling that I have right now. This feeling of over powering love. Please, Ross. You’re my one and only.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yes.

Ross; Okay.

(They kiss like in TOW the Prom video. He picks her up and carries her into the apartment. Paolo is still in Rachel’s room, but he has gotten dressed.)

Ross: Excuse me, but this room is taken.

(He sets Rachel down and pushes Paolo through the living room out the door. He slams it in Paolo’s face. He smiles then runs back into Rachel’s room. We hear giggling coming from the room.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s living room. Monica and Chandler are in her room, Ross and Rachel are in Rachel’s. Joey enters the living room, and hears the…noises coming from both rooms.]

Joey: This is soooo strange! Usually, I’m the one getting it on.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey…oh, what’s going on?

Joey: Hey. And aparently, Monica and Rachel forgot to tell us that they rented their apartment out to a porn company so that they could make some money or something.

Phoebe: Really?

Joey: Nah, Ross and Rachel got back together and Monica and Chandler are doin’ it.

Phoebe: Ewww! Images of Chandler naked! Ewww!

Joey: Coffeehouse?

Phoebe: Yeah.

(They exit.)

TIME LAPSE…Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel all enter from the bedrooms to the living room at the same time. They all look exhausted…expecially Ross.

Monica: (Seeing Ross and Rachel.) Oh! You two made up! Yay!

Ross: Oh…you were in your bedroom with Chandler…what’s going on?

Monica: Well…

Chandler: I love her.

Monica: Yeah, he loves me.

Ross: Okay…I’ll react tomorrow. I’m too tired.

Rachel: Mon, a word?

Monica: Okay.

(They walk into the kitchen and begin to talk quietly.)

Rachel: CHANDLER?

Monica: Yeah. Hey, why is Ross so tired?

Rachel: He thinks that I don’t appreciate his chipmunk sex, so he was trying soooo hard to give me animal sex.

Monica: And?

Rachel: No…but Lord knows he tried. And it’s the thought that counts. What about Chandler? Chipmunk or animal?

Monica: Animal.

Rachel: Lucky dog.

Monica: Come on. You’re the lucky one here. You’ve got…that. (Points to Ross who has fell asleep on the couch with his mouth open and is both snoring and drooling.)

Rachel: (Sighs happily.) Yeah, you’re right. (Smiles.)







*******THE********END*******





Written by: Kaci, (Kaci2005), Mysticsorceror, Sexy_Roxy05 and Survivor7560





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