Body Image

I recently began reading a book called Adios Barbie. This book is an anthology of essays on body image. It’s exceptional, and has inspired me to write this.

I don’t think of myself as ugly not all the time. If I have on a really nice outfit I okay. It’s when I’m in my everyday clothes in school that I feel less than beautiful. I hide my insecurities behind a large screen of apathy. Most people think that I don’t care how I dress. That I roll out of bed and put on whatever is on my floor. Not true, I spend time deciding what goes at least partially together, how I come off, and last but not least how comfortable it is. I don’t wear my favorite pair of pants some days because people who I have class with make fun of me.

I’m a banger (head banger); I like Marilyn Manson and Nine-Inch Nails, which is uncommon enough in my school. But I also happen to be black. Though I attend a diverse high school, black bangers are rare. In fact as far as I know there are four of us. The only one I hang out with is my sister. Other black kids look at me strange when they notice my black finger nails or the Anarchy patch my binder sports. I happen to also like rap and r&b but kids still see me as strange.

I look different from the other black girls in my school. I don’t wear weave and my shoes don’t match my pants. In fact I’m a ‘tomboy’, I own one skirt and like three or four dresses. Each bought out of force.

I wear glasses.

I’m towering overhead tall.

My favorite jeans are jncos and I don’t like pastel colors.

Several reasons why to most of my schools population I’m not pretty. I’ve never been accused of being ugly, but I’ve never been asked out on a date before either. I’ve had guys like me (exactly one guy), but I didn’t return their favor.

Sometimes this makes me uncomfortable, whenever I have to walk down a hallway alone. I feel people’s eyes on me, laughing. Sometimes this is in my imagination and some times its reality. People, my ‘friends’ are constantly trying to get me to dress up. And Sometimes I want to as well. But lets face it going to school in a skirt one day will not make me popular, because the next day I’ll be back in my jeans.

I don’t hate the way I look, but I’m not overly in love with it either. Some days I think I look nice others I spend in the mirror wondering why I can’t be like my sisters. Roselyn, my identical twin, is more feminine than I am, not by a lot but enough to put this gap between us. People have said that they can tell us apart because she looks more like a girl than I do. Then theirs my other sister Jaime who is drop dead gorgeous, not that she believes this. She’s always been the girl all the guys call. When I show pictures of her and tell people she’s my sister they look at me as if to say ‘ yeah right, now way is she related to you.’

I hide this stuff well (I can hold back tears quite well now) and most people never get that what they say offends me. My friend Anita once asked if I had low self-esteem. When I answered yes she didn’t believe me. Its funny because I live in perpetual fear of what others think of me. And no one even realizes it. Just goes to show what awesome strength I have. (Oh yes that was a joke)

I’m ‘make up’ for my lack of outer beauty with what I hope is inner beauty. I spend a lot of time developing my intellect; hey I’ve got the spare time. I also want to devote my life to enriching others, to become a teacher. My life has basically centered on this goal. I guess as long as I focus on it, it doesn’t hurt so much that there is little else in my life. Why do I need a boyfriend, he would only distract me from what’s really important.

You know I might have been wrong about being okay with my body, I know it sure doesn’t sound like I am. But I didn’t want to say the words out loud, (or write them down) because then it’d be true. But I couldn’t stand being untruthful in my writing so here it is: I don’t like my body, physically I feel less than adequate. Not as hard as I thought.