Title: Cloe

Author: Jozzy

Disclaimers: This is all mine, copyrighted to J. J. Thomas 2001. 

I couldn't believe it when it happened, and after I was still reeling. No one expected things to happen the way they did. Benny wasn't supposed to die so young, Lisa and Kyle were supposed to date until they were eighteen then get married, Max most definitely was not supposed to fall for me, and I wasn't supposed to fall for Lisa. But I did and they did, we all did. And at the end of the story no one lived happily ever after. Most especially not I. 

It was my sophomore year at high school and I was doing okay. I happened to have been in History class when she came in, we were talking about World War II we had just finished The Diary of Anne Frank, this has to be the third time I have read this since junior high. Anyway I was in history class and Lisa Debb walked in, she was on fire. Not literally of course, but she looked totally hot. (The fact that I thought that did not dawn on me.) So I sat there trying not to seem like I was looking at her, even though I so was.

Lisa is the kind of person that kids spend all of their high school career fantasizing about, I would soon become one of those people, and later on in their lives they'll look back and still want her. She has this stupendous body, all curvy, and a smile that makes you want to kiss her, then you realize that there is no way in hell she would ever give you the time of day. She also happened to be dating the quarterback of our football team, Kyle Tellson, who was the most jealous guy in the world. They were Lisa and Kyle the couple; they had been going together since seventh. No one asked Lisa out because everyone knew that she was Kyle's (and out of fear of Kyle's massive fists.) And the same could be said of Kyle, except for the fear part, Lisa is too cute to hurt anybody. 

So there I was fantasizing about a girl more unreachable than a movie star. She handed Mr. Gefferson a note, whispered something to him then left. I watched her leave; it did not reach me that there was a problem till later that night, when I was thinking about her again. I was supposed to be doing my history homework (Mr. Gefferson's) but I was thinking about that only reminded me of Lisa. She had been wearing her cheerleading uniform, tonight was a game night. The short skirt gave ample view of her smoothly tanned legs. The small top that melded to her form a very flattering way. Our school colors were blue and black and they looked very good on Lisa Debb. I don't know when I realized that my thoughts were not normal (as normal meaning heterosexual.) I was just suddenly panicking. Was I gay? God, what if my parents found out? What if the school found out? What if Lisa found out?

Chapter One

At the time that this all started I was 16, but I was turning seventeen in a couple of weeks. I'm not drop dead gorgeous but I've never been called ugly either, mother (bless her kind heart) says that I have a plain face. She says that all I need is the right make up and I would be pretty, she really believes that is a compliment, and I don't have the time to explain it to her. My hair is this dull brown and my eyes are a dark green, which could be a good combination if it wasn't for the fact that my bangs cover my eyes most of the time. I haven't had my hair cut, trimmed, or even looked at by a stylist since I was thirteen, when my mom told me I was old enough to get my hair done myself. Which she has regretted ever since.

My life isn't bad, my parents are divorced but I am okay with it. I know most kids say that and never mean it, but really I could care less. And just to clear things up, I didn't become a lesbian to get back at my parents. My mom would probably have thrown a party to know that I was interested in someone, opposite sex or not. I am what is politely called a late bloomer, only when I did finally bloom (which was around this summer) I bloomed way too much. At the beginning of the year people started saying that I got my boobs done, I started wearing really baggy clothes. Not that I was a super-hoochie before.  So I have not exactly been the most wanted girl at school and in turn I didn't want anyone back. I was just one of those glorious kids who slipped through making splashes only academically and not frequently enough to be recognized.

My mother and I have at best a sketchy relationship. We get along fine for short periods of time, but if we have to stay in close proximity to each other we start clawing at the walls. Which makes Thanks Giving a total bitch. Its this whole big thing that all the women (and any men that want to join- we wouldn't want to be sexist) get together at someone's house (whoever is hosting that year) and we make the dinner. The rest of my family is even more screwed up than my immediate family so my mom and I sort of band together. That is we try to, but after a couple of hours of staving off the savages we turn on each other. 

The reason my mother and I don't get along is basically our conflicting personalities. My mom was on the cheerleading squad when she was in high school. And she was a cheerleader. All of the stereotypes you hear about cheerleaders are basically what my mom was. And she hasn't really stopped being that way. She's not an airhead or anything, but she also never really been academically inclined. When she saw my course load for this year she said I needed to take more fun electives, that I shouldn't take school so seriously. 

I'm almost the complete opposite. Where my mom likes making crafts, I can barely glue paper (I'm not kidding, there was this one project I had to do in the sixth grade...never mind.) Where my mom is peppy and goes to every game my school has I don't even know when the season for one sport ends and another begins. I've been described as apathetic before, but I don't think its completely true. I do care about some things, just not where people can see.

My father and I are a completely different matter. We connect at lots of levels. He and I get along better than me and my mom. But his work takes him all over the place so I rarely get to talk to him. When he does come into town we go to the theatre, see a play, then take a walk on the beach and talk about what we thought of what we saw. Sometimes these conversations last only an hour or two, and then others we have to leave and go to the park because the beach is closed. 

I got my looks from my mom, if you were to see my dad and I together you would never know we were related. But then I got my personality from my dad (well at least mine resembles his.) I think that this kind of disappoints my mom. When she found out she was having a girl she thought that we would do everything together, hang out, shop, she would help me with my cheerleading routines. Then she had me and all her plans when down the tube. During the early years of my childhood my mom tried to force me into the things she wanted me to do. But that changed after I ran away when I was eight and the cops had to bring me home. They had a long talk with my mom and after that I was never attended another gymnastics class, my hair was no longer permed, and my clothes didn't have big furry kittens covering them.

I remember then, when I first began thinking about Lisa, that I was very worried about what my mother would say. I'd been a disappoint for my mother my entire life. And her disappointment had put a distance between us that was more mandatory than wanted. We could not be in the same room together not when all we could see were each others faults. I was afraid that when my mom found out she wouldn't want to be in the same room with me ever. I always believed that there would be this one cataclysmic event that would draw my mother and I together. But now that event was here (and I'm was positive that this had to be the most cataclysmic thing that'd ever happened to me) that it wouldn't bring us together, but tear us so far apart that we would never recover the distance. And even though I didn't get along with my mother I didn't want that.

Chapter Two

I day dreamed about Lisa Debb during all my classes, especially gym, the one class we share. When I fell asleep at night she visited my dreams in the most fun ways (if you don't understand I'm not explaining.) I probably would never talk to her, and even if I did I probably would have totally screwed it up. There I was another horny teenager pining over the one and only Lisa Debb. My friends were going crazy; in fact if Benny hadn't talked to me about what was going on I would have lost them all.

I was terribly frightened afraid of what would happen when my friends. I thought that my being gay was so painfully obvious, that I had this big sign on my forehead that said LESBIAN on it and that everyone could see it clear as day. So I started to avoid my friends hoping that if they weren't around me they couldn't notice. All it did was make them more curious and eventually lead to a semi-forced coming out.

It was a Friday, the annual Game night. My school has a habit of planning away our existence so they set aside a night for games. If the team we were supposed to be playing wasn't available we would have to reschedule, for a Friday. I had been going to all the games; Lisa is the head cheerleader and looks way hot in her little outfit. Before I saw Lisa I used to spend all my Fridays at Benny's, my friends were totally bombed that I wasn't spending time with them. Of course I didn't realize that they were upset.

Anyway it was Friday and I was sitting in my room trying to figure out what to wear, (this had become a ritual for me) when the entire gang busts into my room. This was kind of a surprise seeing as the last time any of my friends were at my house the New Kids On the Block were still considered cool. They all barged into my room, sitting in every nook and cranny, not caring that I was only in some jeans and my bra. I was kind of upset by this, seeing as two of my friends were guys. In any case there they were all of them staring at me and my bed, which happened to be covered with dresses.

"Where are you going?" This was my friend Benny, who I have known since I kissed him on a dare in the second grade. Benny is kind of short but has the biggest heart. If anything ever happened to you and you needed a lung Benny would be there with a knife.

" To the game."

They all gave me these blank stares; I guess the thought of me going to a game for our school wasn't something they could picture, but maybe they didn't know there was a game. With a sigh I said, " The game at our school tonight, basketball, like everyone is going."

Now the stares weren't blank just surprised. I think that I preferred the blank ones. I turned around and put on my one cashmere sweater. I went over to my mirror and began to fix my hair. A big task, seeing as I rarely touch it and it's so very messy. I tried combing it but the comb kept getting stuck. Max actually started laughing; soon the others were all rolling around on my floor.

" Is something funny?"

Max answered, waving some of his blond hair out of his bangs," You, I mean your kidding right? Your not actually going to go to the game are you. I mean your not the kind of person who does something just because 'everyone' else is."

I got kind of mad, he's right I don't do things cause everyone else does. In fact I really despise it when people do that. It just came out of my mouth, it was an excuse. And I was really more frightened that they would figure it out than caring what Max thought of my actions.

"Yes I am going to the game! In fact I have been going for the past few games! I think we might actually go all the way to district. Now if you all will excuse me I have to get dressed!"

The room which had been filled with confused whispers became totally still. I'm not the kind of person who yells, not really anyway. When I'm angry I just become highly sarcastic. It has something to do with not liking people to know that I give a rat's ass about anything. When I do yell it usually means that I'm nervous or guilty both of which I was feeling that night.

Anyway they were there and I was dressing. " So you want us to come with you Cloe", this was Benny of course. I think Benny figured out that I was going to the game for a specific reason, and even though he was probably hurt and didn't even no the reason, Benny wanted to be there for me. I didn't want to say it but I wanted them there. I wanted to tell someone what was happening to me, let the world know about these new feelings of mine.

Its like the more I hid it all inside the more I felt the need to come out. I'm the kind of person who puts it all out there. I don't hide things, and when I do it eats at me. This was the biggest secret of my life and it tore at me every time my friends looked at me. I felt like every time they said something to me they were really saying What are you hiding from me. 

I couldn't have been more surprised with how that unspoken question was answer or the reaction to it. The danger comes from where you least expect it.

Chapter three

Max, Benny, and I were at the game. My other friends had opted not to go. My world was basically focused on finding Lisa. Today was a home game so she would be wearing the solid black with blue lettering. It was my favorite. Benny was following my gaze trying to decide which guy I was looking at.

Space Cowboy (N'Snyc) started to play and the cheerleaders all came out doing their cheer stuff. I have no idea what their routine is; every time they come out I zone in on Lisa and forget everything else. I never thought that my feelings for Lisa were obvious. But  Benny and Max noticed that I had gotten spacey, and they assumed that I had seen my 'guy'.

"Cloe, who is this mysterious crush of yours?" 

"Umm..."

I spent rest of the game dodging Benny and Max's inquiries. 

Once the game was over I began to fidget, there was no action to pretend to be distracted by. And we were in the parking lot so it wasn't as if I could pretend not to hear them. I knew that I wouldn't be able to dodge the questions anymore. And I also knew that if flat out asked I wouldn't lie. It was inevitable that before we got home my secret would be out.

Benny drove us to a Burger King. We ordered and I sat quietly waiting for the food.

Benny's curiosity got the better of him (as I hoped it would) and he asked me, " What's up with you lately Cloe? You're always gone when eve anyone calls, you avoid us at school, and suddenly your going to football games." 

I glared at him. "What is wrong with me going to a game? Why is everyone so shocked when they find out I've been to games?"

Max snorted, " Because as far as I know this is the first year you've ever set foot inside a gym outside of school hours! Come on Cloe. Spill it! Why are you really going to these games. And no bullshit."

I lowered my head slightly, " I was there to see...someone."

Benny quirked his eyebrow at me, " And just who were you there to see?"

I looked up into his eyes. Afraid that once those words left my mouth the love I saw there would turn into disgust." Lisa Debb."

"...."

The table was silent, none of speaking, not knowing exactly what to say.

" I guess I'm kind of shock, I mean we have been friends since forever and I never knew. Like when did this happen? Why did I not find out until now? Why didn't you tell me?" Typical Benny, he wasn't upset about me being gay really, only that he hadn't known.

" Lisa Debb!! As in touch her and Kyle will pound you into about a thousand pieces." This is when Max decides to speak. I guess he got over the shock of my revelation. " This is just great Cloe, so now your going to get yourself killed, not to mention the slim chance in hell that she will ever even glance at you!!"

Chapter Four

My parents found out from Benny's parents and my mom scheduled a psychiatrist appointment for me. You see Benny and I are the closest and so are our parents. Benny tells his parents everything and so naturally when he found out they found out. Actually they are taking it better than my parents. Gay is not a word you here often in my little town.

So my coming out didn't go that well, in fact Max had stopped talking to me for a couple of days. We were actually having an "out" party for me when he showed up on my doorstep. It wasn't that great a party. Everyone wanted to know all about my discovery over the past few months. I felt like a zoo animal, all these strangers staring at me.

There was music going, the heavy tension in the air, however, kept anyone from using it. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. A rather heavy knock. The kind that police make. I had move to stand, though slightly afraid of who or what would come to my party with the obvious intention to do a little damage, but Benny waved me down, heading to the door himself. Its funny, I'm taller and more muscularly developed than Benny but that night he was going to be my knight in shinning armor. 

It was Max. He just stood there outside my door, staring at Benny, everyone else staring at him. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" 

Benny sighed, "Max I thought I told you not to come tonight."

I finally stood, Benny's words drawing me towards the door and Max. Benny refused to let Max into the house and as I drew closer to the door I realized why. Max smelled, reeked of beer. His white Polo shirt stained with several different liquids, one stain looked amazingly like blood. His pants which had been knew were torn at the knees and cuffs. He had obviously been planning on attending the party but had got sidetracked.

"Max, man what happened?" I was worried, Max wasn't the kind of guy that drank.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I fell in love with you and your gay! Fucking gay!"

So that's why Benny had warned him off the party. He had been afraid that Max would make a scene. And as always Benny had been right. Max had gone and gotten himself piss-ant drunk and showed up at my party with to much alcohol and adrenaline to remain civil. 

I excused us both and took him into the kitchen. I had to talk to him alone. Max and I weren't best friends like Benny and I were; but I had felt close to him. I felt sorry for him because honestly he was getting the bad end of the deal. I mean I never gave him any indication that I had any feelings for him. But that wasn't really saying much, I don't show emotion. He lets his guard down and falls for me then finds out that I'm gay.

"Max, your drunk."

"You always were the smart one in the group."

"Why are you drunk?"

"Why? Why? Isn’t it obvious Cloe? Here I was totally into you, thinking that you were into me. And you tell me that you're gay. You know I was planning on asking you to Homecoming. I had the entire night planned. But now I guess you’ll take Lisa Debb. Then Kyle will beat the shit out of you."

"Max… I’m so sorry… I didn’t know."

"Does it matter? It's not like you weren’t gay before Lisa."

It was true, even if Max had told me about his feelings before my obsession with Lisa began I still wouldn’t have been attracted to him. Before Lisa I thought that I simply wasn’t attracted to anyone. After her I realized that I just wasn’t attracted to guys, and that I hadn’t met a girl I liked enough.

Max and I had been friends for only a year or two when Lisa had swept into our lives. When he and I met we connected because of our emotional detachment. We were a lot alike. Max is the only person who can play the uncaring distant loner like I do. And it was nice being around each other not being pressed to come out of our shells. Not having to guard ourselves around each other. Our friendship was almost instant, but not deep. Neither of us were the kind of people that fall into deep bonds easily. To become close it took time, more time than most were willing to spare.

I knew that my revelation had really hurt Max. He had let the facade slip and had gotten bitten in the ass for it. It was something I have always feared, probably will never stop. I wanted to make it better. Make him realize that we could still be friends. But that wouldn't be the truth. Max isn't the kind of person who just came back after something like this. He didn't forget or forgive easily. What ever kinship that we had felt melted that night, it turned into a puddle at our feet and seeped through the kitchen tiles.

Max left me there at the table, staring into the distance. Benny drove him home and didn’t come back. After they left the party broke up and everyone went home. I sat in my room thinking. Trying to figure out my life. I fell asleep crying. 

I had a terrible nightmare. I had finally admitted my feelings to Lisa and she just stood there looking at me. Then she smiled at me and my heart felt so full. I reached for her, wanting to show her my love because the words just wouldn't come to me. Then her face changed her lips turning up into this cruel smile and her eyes turning to ice. Are you insane? How could I ever love you!? Really Cloe, time to stop living in this dream world. Go join your loser friend Max in REALITY!!"

Chapter 4

It seems logical that Lisa would find out. But at the time I thought I would spend my entire high school career pining for her. I spent all day dreaming of her and writing not so innocent poetry about her. The distant shot of her walking down the hall could cause my heart to flutter like for the rest of the day. When she actually met my gaze, it happened only once, I spent the rest of the day doodling her name and when I got home I had to take a very long cold shower.

 It happened in gym class a month after I came out. Everyone knew I was gay, it was the biggest scandal in the school. Girls deliberately walked around me. And guys would wrap themselves around their girlfriends when I walked in the halls. My gym class had taken to dressing in the bathroom stalls; and I was awarded private shower time at the end of the period. Every girl that I spared even the barest glance immediately assumed that I was lusting after her. Not all of them became afraid of me because of it, most of them did, but not all, some were intrigued. I was even propositioned once.