Instant Attraction, Part 18
Grounded
By Miesque
miesque48@hotmail.com

RATING: PG
SPOILERS: “May Day” (along with “Humpty Dumpty”, “Fear of Flying” and “Love’s Labors Lost”)

STORY SYNOPSIS: Well...let’s just say Luka has a really rotten day, but in the following day things start to look up a little.

DISCLAIMER: The characters of Luka Kovac and Kerry Weaver are the sole property of NBC, Warner Brothers, Amblin, and Constant C.  

SONG: ‘Try To See It My Way’, by The Beatles

PREVIOUS INSTALLMENTS: Instant Attraction; Room For Rent; Fired; Blackout; On The Line; Point of Refuge; Heart to Heart; Double-Take; Broken Valentine; In Memory...; Paint It Black; Hope Springs Eternal; Bridges; My Brother’s Keeper; Getting the Shift; Sister Wolf; Before the Storm



Peter Benton stormed into Kerry’s office. She looked up, only mild interest showing on her face. She seemed positively serene, giving him a friendly greeting, and that didn’t bode well for Peter. He had spent several hours flying to and from Atlanta with Carter, and he was exhausted. That, he realized, definitely gave Kerry an advantage.

“I want Kovac out of this ER, Kerry. The sooner the better.”

“Why?” she asked, her voice even.

“Because he’s a danger to patients. He makes judgment calls that aren’t his to make.”

“Really? Perhaps I should bring up Megan Herlihy?” She pulled out a stack of files, opened the first one, and began reading. “Dr. Benton-refusing to follow instructions to close-attempted to remove a piece of ‘extraneous matter’ from the liver of an infant surgical patient, damaging the patient’s capsule. If Dr. Benton had listened to Dr. Keaton’s instructions to close, the patient’s life would not have been put at risk. It is Dr. Keaton’s evaluation that Dr. Benton’s arrogance almost caused the death of a patient. Here’s a direct quote from Dr. Keaton, in fact. He ignored my instructions, and made a call that was not his to make. You screwed up.” She looked up at him. “Wasn’t your arrogance ‘a danger to patients’, Peter?”

Benton glared at her. “That has nothing to do with... and it was years ago!... he abandoned the patient!” He didn’t like that particularly painful and humbling experience being brought up now.

“Now, let’s see here... Dr. Greene,” she ignored him. “Jodi O’Brian’s case... she’s thirty-two weeks pregnant, he makes a judgment call to keep her down in the ER rather than taking her upstairs to OB. Performs a C-section and Mrs. O’Brian died as a result. I guess we’ll also have to remove Mark from the ER, too, since he’s a danger to patients.”

Peter attempted to break in again, but Kerry simply continued, cutting him off. “Or more recently... Dr. Corday... Yes, here it is. According to what Dr. Romano told me this morning, from his own memory, she threatened to kill Dean Rollins... possibly twice, though there were only witnesses the first time... the second, I’ll admit was mere hearsay. Both times, she did it to get information about a non-patient, which is a violation of every ethical standard we have on the books.”

“And, of course, Carter. We have the full report, blow-by-blow. Lied about doing drugs in the ER, even though Abby saw him shooting up pain killers! Lied about giving his patient a medication to which she specified that she was allergic, and then claimed she ripped out her own IV. I’m sure she’ll be very understanding should she learn that Carter was on drugs when he did that to her. Don’t you call that being a ‘danger to patients’, Peter? Remember the Hippocratic Oath? After all, you live by it’s letter but by none of it’s spirit, from what I can tell. ‘Do. No. Harm’. Carter, Elizabeth, Mark, you... all did harm to your patients by making judgment calls, except in your case, it was more arrogance than anything else. From what I can tell, from having read the entire report from the EMT’s and from Mercy, Dr. Kovac did no harm to anyone. He provided you with everything you needed.”

“He abandoned the patient!” Peter raised his voice. “Don’t you think that was unethical?”

“Don’t you shout at me, Peter,” she said, her voice hardening only slightly. “I have yet to meet a doctor who didn’t have problems with ethics. I’d be shocked if I ever did meet one... I’d have to label him or her an emotionless robot. As for abandonment, that would mean the patient had no one working on him, right? And that’s not true. You had everything you needed.”

“But surely Kovac knows the rules of triage!” Peter growled. “I can’t believe you’re defending him!”

“I’m not defending him. I’m just making the argument that would be made if you were to take this to Dr. Romano. An argument that I would have to make in defense of one of my ER doctors, in order to be fair.”

“Now, let me read to you here...” she continued, her voice still calm and steady. “The American College of Emergency Physicians.... ah, yes: triage: an allocation of resources based on survivability, the capacity of the destination hospital for the patient, as well as critical medical need. You know full well that County General had the closest pediatric ER. And you also know that Luka provided you with extra blood for the ambulance. According to the EMTs in the Q and A, they saw you stand there arguing with Dr. Kovac for three minutes, and you spent another two or more minutes watching the helicopter fly away. Five minutes wasted while your patient was bleeding out. I have to admit, Peter, that seems a little bit of a ‘danger’ to your patient, because while Kovac’s emotions got in the way yesterday, your inflated ego got in the way as well. You are an experienced surgeon, you had extra blood on hand, and you had an ambulance with a ten minute window to get that shooter to Mercy. Instead of going, you stood around arguing. How is that going to help anyone, Peter?”

“I can’t believe you’re defending his actions!” Peter was glowering at Kerry, hoping to intimidate her. It was infuriating, then, to see her smile. She didn’t even seem concerned.

“If you expect me to remove Dr. Kovac from this ER, I will also have to remove Carter, Greene, Corday, you, Malucci, Chen, Abby... everyone, including myself... remember I got suspended a few weeks ago for making a ‘judgment call’? Disobeying direct orders from a superior? If I did that, we’d have an empty ER, wouldn’t we? Because we all violate ethical standards, and we all go against policy sometimes for our patients.  But we have to do what we think is best. When they come in here, they put their lives in our hands. I disagreed with Doug Ross a lot, for example, but I never could deny that he cared about his patients. Luka cares about his, you care about yours. It was a tough call, and an arguable one despite what you think. He was the ranking physician at the site... and he does outrank you, Peter. It was his call in the end. He shouldn’t have allowed his emotions to get the better of him, as I said, but like it or not, you had to obey him.”

Kerry could tell that she was winning this argument. Peter really had no legs to stand on.

“Or does the standard only apply to Dr. Kovac, Peter? Because if you think you can try to pull that kind of double-standard crap on me, in my ER, I can assure you, I will have you out of this hospital so fast you won’t know what hit you.” Her voice was still so even, so steady, it was almost too much for Peter to bear. “So which is it going to be? Same standard for all or just Dr. Kovac? Because if I have to get rid of him, I have to get rid of everybody.”

Peter sat there, stunned. Kerry had him painted into a corner. “I just want you to keep an eye on him,” he said at last, utterly deflated.

What an egomaniac, she thought. “Certainly. But you know I keep an eye on everyone in this ER. If I thought Luka was a danger to anyone, I’d certainly express my concerns. Luka has several problems to work out in his life-problems that have been plaguing him for years. But he is still an excellent emergency physician, as are you, Carter, Chen, Greene and Corday, despite their mistakes... I’ll save such high praise for Malucci for now... and if I thought there was a reason to remove them at this moment, I would. The only one I’d really consider removing would be Dr. Corday, because her actions were not only unethical but reprehensible. So if I were you, Peter, I would get off your moral high horse right now, because his legs are getting very wobbly.”

Benton chaffed a little under such words about his friend, but he couldn’t deny she was right. And he had to admit-he had not reacted as strongly to Elizabeth’s unethical behavior as he had Kovac’s. Kerry seemed to be reading his thoughts. “In fact, Peter, Dr. Romano informed me that you didn’t even seem concerned about what Elizabeth did with Mr. Rollins. Could it be, Peter, that the only reason you’re so upset is because yesterday you found yourself in a situation that simply terrified you, and not only that... Luka came out looking rather heroic and you didn’t? Besides that, the situation was terrifying for you, wasn’t it?”

“It was... scary,” he admitted.

“And you ran, if I recall the EMT’s words correctly. Dr. Benton started running and only stopped when the shooting stopped... he grabbed a wounded kid and looked back at Dr. Kovac.”, she read from a file.

Peter glared at her. “They were shooting at us!”

“Oh? So, if you had been shot, would you still want Luka to save the man who shot you first?”

That took all the wind out of Benton. He looked down, knowing he’d been defeated. He had run away, scared, when the shooting started again. Thinking about it now, Kovac had deliberately stayed with Nicholas Rosato and Mary, the EMT. He had shielded their bodies with his own. Playing the hero again, Peter thought bitterly. In the meantime, making me look like a coward.

“Luka’s actions were arguable, Peter. We all have a grey area that we have to work in, and it’s rather unfair to say that Luka’s actions were out of line when just yesterday we had to drag Carter to rehab after he was doing drugs in this ER. He was a threat to the life of every patient he came in contact with, but I have no intention of firing him. A rough couple of months does not excuse that kind of behavior. Luka’s actions, as I said, were arguable, but he put no one’s life in danger. He did what he thought was best under the circumstances, and you, Peter, cannot deny that in the end, his decision was best for his patient. A few extra minutes spent moving Nicholas Rosato to the ambulance could very well have risked his life, if not only his leg, and Mercy hospital does not have a pediatriac ER. We’ll never know either way. And besides, that Peter, you got all the glory for saving that boy’s life, didn’t you?”

Peter looked chastised, and even a little embarrassed, which was what Kerry was hoping for. “Have you spoken to Luka?” he asked.

“Not yet.”

Peter sat still for a moment, then Kerry opened up a file. “Dr. Benton, I’m going to tell you something in very strict confidence. Since you’re a father, I would hope you would remember this information next time you get into conflict with Dr. Kovac.”

He nodded, waiting. She swallowed, then went ahead, remembering that Davor had urged her to give Benton this piece of information. ‘It’ll at least give the son of a bitch pause,’ Davor had told her early that morning. “Peter, Luka was in the war in Croatia. He was at Vukovar... his wife and two children were murdered there. That, no matter what job he has, will affect his day-to-day actions for the rest of his life. It doesn’t necessarily excuse those actions, but he’s human, not a machine. He, like Carter, has been under a great deal of stress lately, and that is going to affect his reactions to every given situation.”

“Murdered?” Peter said, stunned.

“Yes.”

Peter thought of his son, and stared across the table at Kerry. “I had no idea.”

“Then perhaps you can show a little degree of compassion, Peter. I don’t know if I would have done what Luka did under those circumstances yesterday, but I can say this: we all have to deal with our conscience. What if Nicholas Rosato had died while the shooter had lived, Peter? Would your conscience be clear? You would have obeyed all the ethical standards, but an
innocent person would be dead because of ethics. Would that be right, in the long run?”

He looked away for a moment, still thinking of his little boy, then shook his head.

She closed the file. Peter stood up, and she nodded to him. “I will talk to Luka next time I see him. He isn’t due in until one this afternoon, but unfortunately, today is actually my day off. Nevertheless, I ask that you please not talk to him. Just leave him alone for now.”

He stood up, and she looked up at him. “Did Carter settle okay in Atlanta?”

“Yeah. I think he’s gonna be okay, so long as he remembers he’s got friends here who care.”

“I’m relieved to hear that,” she said. “Thank you, Peter. I knew he’d listen to you.”

Benton only nodded, and quietly left the room.

Kerry exhaled slowly, relieved that at last that had been dealt with. Peter was a man of his word-he would leave Luka alone.

Now, if only she could find Luka. And if he’d only listen to his friends.

All day yesterday, she had been worried about Carter, struggling to find a way to help her friend in some way. Watching him disintegrate like that, then realizing he was on drugs... God, it had been hell. She blamed herself for missing all the signs. Those marks on Carter’s wrists, his denials and accusations, his angry resignation, storming out of the hospital...

But at least now Carter was heading toward a resolution to his problems, and Kerry could breathe a little easier. Yesterday, Peter had somehow gotten him to board that plane for Atlanta, and so far, Romano didn’t know about it. If Kerry had any say in the matter, Robert would never know. It was a matter she felt she could handle quite well, if everyone would just stick together and keep quiet. A fine doctor’s career was at stake.

But why hadn’t she picked up on Luka’s distress signals? He had been... what? Frantic? Erratic? No doubt Carol’s sudden and heartless departure last week had been part of Luka’s meltdown yesterday. She had never seen him so angry, so upset... so shaken. Strange that he had seemed so calm in the ER, working on Nicholas Rosato. Very businesslike... and the look he’d given Peter Benton as he came stomping toward him: he had looked ready to do battle. Luka was formidable, that was for sure. But events afterwards...Gloria Milton...

God, Kerry thought.  Now I’ve got to deal with that!



Try to see it my way,
Do I have to keep on talking till I canīt go on?
While you see it your way,
Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone.

We can work it out,
We can work it out.
Think of what youīre saying.
You can get it wrong and still you think that itīs alright.
Think of what Iīm saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and thereīs no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that itīs a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
Thereīs a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and thereīs no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that itīs a crime,
So I will ask you once again.

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
While you see it your way
Thereīs a chance that we may fall apart before too long.
We can work it out,
We can work it out.



He woke up on the bench at the El. Morning commuters were walking by, some of them looking at him with interest, but most just moving on, unconcerned.

His bones were stiff and his eyes were almost glued shut from the tears he’d shed. He had a pretty good growth of whiskers, and he ached all over, as if he had a bad cold. Well, he thought, sneezing, I do now. He glanced at his watch. It was six-thirty in the morning. He was due in at work at one o’clock, but he gave serious thought to just calling in sick. Kerry would be there, so he’d have time to pack his things, pay his last month’s rent, and just... go. Where...? Well, that was a good question. Maybe he could just give up his license, buy a boat and sail around the world. Have no contact with anyone again, remove himself from the human race.

Luka was sure his career was, if not over, in serious jeopardy. He had violated the rules of triage with the shooter, then he had administered ketamine to Gloria Milton, hoping... praying... she would change her mind, even after the baby’s heart stopped beating. To deliver a dead baby that could have been alive, could have had a future, a life... Luka closed his eyes against the painful memory of holding that lifeless body in his hands, pronouncing time of death. It had been another crushing defeat.

Not for the first time did Luka wonder what planet he was on. He had been horrified by Gloria Milton’s actions. She had a viable, living child in her womb, almost ready to enter the world, and she had coldly let it die. Whether she had stabbed herself or not, the baby could have lived. If only Luka had been able to convince her...

If only.

The world was caving in on him again. Yesterday, in the midst of that school shooting, he had found himself reacting in ways he couldn’t understand. But now, he knew what had made him stay when the gunman came out shooting. A kind of instinct told him to stay - because if he were hit and he died, it would be an easy out-guilt free of the sin of suicide.

It wasn’t just Carol, though. She was just the catalyst. All his past sins were back to haunt him. He had caused the deaths of his family. He had broken trust with his own brother. He had let himself become numb and unfeeling for so long that he hadn’t cared about anything. He had thought several times about ending his life. He had offended God, and it seemed perfectly reasonable that he receive some due punishment for his sins. If it meant losing his job and his right to practice medicine, so be it. That was God’s justice, he was sure.

He regretted that Peter’s patient had died. But he didn’t regret that Nicholas was still alive. His own son Marko would have been that age now. A young man, about to embark on his own life, finding his own place in the world.

Slowly, Luka got to his feet, heading toward the edge of the platform. He had missed his train last night and had fallen asleep waiting for it. Later in the night, he had awakened and wept, defeated and exhausted beyond measure. He had no one to turn to then, and he felt like he was still at the bottom of that pit, too tired and weak to climb out. What did Winston Churchill call it? The ‘black dog’? That seemed to fit pretty well. That black dog hung around Luka’s door a lot lately. Always waiting to bite.

The El platform was empty, but Luka heard someone coming behind him. He stood, keeping his back to whoever was there, and hoped they’d go away.

“Luka?”

It was Mark Greene, coming in for his shift. Great, Luka thought. Another person who thinks I’m a lousy doctor. Join the club.

“Hey, Kerry was looking for you last night,” Mark said, not unkindly.

“Yeah. Tell her I’m okay.”

Mark studied Luka quizzically. He had not allowed himself to get to know Luka better, and now, after hearing about everything that had gone on yesterday, he wished he had. The ER doctors were supposed to stick together, and ever since Valentine’s Day, there had been a bonding between them all-except Luka. Kovac had been left out, more or less-ignored by all his colleagues. He had been left out again, now Mark was left wondering about it. Kerry had been worried all evening about Carter, but now, it seemed like Luka was the one everyone should be worried about. But what did they know about this guy?  Well, next to nothing.

“You sure don’t look okay,” Mark offered. “In fact, you look like...”

“Hell?”

“Yeah. Or like you’ve had just about all the misery a guy can take.”

Luka looked up the El tracks, seeing a train coming toward him. “It was a bad day,” he said at last.

“Well, I’ve had more than my share of those, Luka. We all have.”

Ever watch your family being led away to be killed? Luka wanted to ask. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to burden anyone
with his problems now. He just wanted to run.

Suddenly, he remembered Kerry’s words to him in the hall, after Peter Benton had dashed upstairs to surgery. “You need to calm down, Luka. We’ll talk about this later, all right? I’m sure everything will be fine. You need to help Cleo with her patient, so just take a deep breath and do the best you can.” She had seemed distracted then, though, and had left with Mark, yelling at him over her shoulder to go help Cleo.

What, was she crazy? How could it all be fine?



The OB floor was strangely quiet, and Kerry took the extra minutes of waiting for Dr. Coburn to look through the window at the new babies in the nursery. So many babies... Kerry sighed. If Luka bolted... if he ran away now, she knew she would have lost her Alpha Wolf. He was the only person she’d really connected with in her life. If she lost him, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to keep going. She was already starting to miss him.

“Dr. Weaver?”

She turned around, and saw Dr. Coburn standing there, looking just as brisk and no-nonsense as ever.

“Yes... I wanted to talk to you about Gloria Milton.”

“Who?”

“Gloria Milton. She was an OB patient last night... was either stabbed or stabbed herself to induce an abortion...”

“Oh, yes.” Dr. Coburn shook her head in amazement. “Like I told Dr. Kovac last night, I thought I’d seen everything. Amazing... just amazing. The girl was eight months along and swore she had no idea. I have a feeling that she was lying there, but if she didn’t want the baby we couldn’t very well force a C-section on her.”

“Yes.” Kerry nodded sadly. “Where is she?”

“Gloria? Gone this morning. She wouldn’t stay, signed out AMA and I doubt we’ll ever hear from her again.”

“Really?”

“Really. Dr. Kovac was lucky there, I suppose. He administered ketamine, but... I’ll tell you Kerry... it was a gutsy move on his part to try and scare her into it. I’m not saying I agree, but a lot of evidence points to her having stabbed herself to kill that baby. It was viable-would have survived had it not been for... But it’s not our call, I guess. Which is a real shame.”

“Yes. It is a shame,” Kerry agreed. “So you don’t think she’ll file charges against Dr. Kovac?”

“Kerry, I’d be surprised if that girl has the wherewithal to buy gum, much less file charges.”

That almost made Kerry smile, but instead she just stood, watching Dr. Coburn walk away. One more hurdle cleared, she thought as she headed back downstairs.



Dr. Reed drew in his breath slowly, having heard the entire story from Luka, who sat across from him, his arms crossed. That same self-protective position, he thought. This guy never opens up too much, never reveals all. He’s like a book with a lock. If you could figure out the combination, then it’d all come pouring out.

“Luka, what did you do after you were released from the internment camp?”

He looked down. “I don’t remember.”

“I think you do remember. What did you do?”

“I cried.”

“Were you in a lot of pain? Physical pain?”

“Yes. I had been... I had been beaten.”

“And were you angry about that? Did you feel any need to take out vengeance on the people who abused you?”

Luka shook his head. “They burned me with cigarette butts. They beat me with their rifles... I still limp a little from it. But I never thought about... about hurting them back. I... wasn’t grey until after Vukovar. I was...before Vukovar, I was okay.”

“Of course you were, Luka. You had a happy childhood, a good education, excellent moral training by good, stable people... a happy marriage, beautiful children. But then everything in your world was destroyed by the war. And this situation you found yourself in yesterday brought all those memories back. All that trauma and fear. You were afraid yesterday, weren’t you?”

“I was terrified,” Luka answered softly.

“But your mind was still working, wasn’t it? Your training kicked in. Your instructors taught you to stay with your patient at all costs. To shield him or her from further danger. To even put your own life on the line for them if necessary, right?”

“Yes. But that’s not why I stayed,” Luka shook his head. “I stayed because... because...”

“Why, Luka? Why did you risk your life like that?”

Luka stared down at his hands, not sure he could continue. “Because I wanted to die.”

Dr. Reed sat back in his chair, waiting. “Why?”

“Because I don’t have anything any more. I don’t have any reason to keep moving forward.”

“But you know you have to, don’t you, Luka? You know that you still have a contribution to make to this world.”

“I don’t know that any more. Yesterday, I broke several important rules. I may have even broken the law by giving ketamine to that girl. But I was trying... I was trying to convince her, you know? Trying to make her see how... how precious life is.”

“The life of that child is more precious than your own, Luka?”

Luka stared at Reed for a moment, then looked away. “The life of an innocent, Dr. Reed.”

“Every sin can be forgiven, Luka. God isn’t limited.”

“It was my fault they died,” he said quietly. “I did everything wrong. If I had just... I should have just gone, you know? Packed them up as soon as the war started and moved away.”

Dr. Reed shook his head. “But Luka, you didn’t know what was going to happen. It wasn’t your fault. Blaming yourself is not going to help.”

“I’m going to quit,” Luka said. “I’m going to resign after my shift ends today and just... go.”

Dr. Reed sighed and shook his head. “So you’re just going to give up, Luka? Surrender?”

“I’m tired.”

“Everybody gets tired, Luka. But you have to keep going. Whether it’s nine years or nine months or nine days, you still wake up each morning with a brand new day, fresh, with a clean slate. Do you really believe that your mistakes are any worse than anyone else’s? That the other doctors in that ER haven’t done the wrong thing sometimes? Or made questionable... arguable... judgment calls sometimes? There’s too many doctors in that ER for it not to be true.”

Luka got up and began pacing, his nerves too rattled for him to sit still. Reed watched him for a moment, then continued. “Luka, it takes a lot of courage for most us to just get up in the morning. It took a lot of courage for you to survive Vukovar, and it took a lot of courage for you to leave Croatia and come to this country, to start a new life. But right now, you have to use your courage some more. You have to stay put, but keep moving at the same time, you know? You’ve put down roots, made friends, made connections...”

“I don’t have friends,” Luka interjected.

“What about Kerry Weaver? Didn’t she refer you to me?”

Luka stood there a moment, remembering that Kerry was indeed his friend. The only friend he had left, in fact. She had been loyal and kind to him in tough situations, and had cared enough to get him to a psychologist in the first place.

Suddenly, Luka remembered something she had said to him yesterday, while he was arguing with her about Gloria Milton. She had said “Luka, promise me...” Strange words, from her. She should have yelled at him, argued with him, about his intentions regarding the patient. But instead, she had only said those simple words, spoken so softly and with such care. She had shown him respect, and he had received little of that lately.

“Yes. She is my friend. But I know I disappointed her a week ago, and again yesterday.”

“I doubt that, Luka. She knows you’re human. If I were you, I’d hang on to that friendship with all your might. Never give up a friend.”

Luka thought of all the friends he had lost in the past. Tatjana, of course. His friends at Vukovar who had been killed or vanished into the camps. And now, what little he’d had with... Carol.

“All these problems you’re having, Luka... they didn’t start yesterday. They started a long time ago. Yesterday was just the culmination of them. Carol, the shooting, the baby... they were just the final straws that broke the camel’s back. You’re feeling again, and for an introvert like you, who has this protective wall around yourself, it’s excruciating to reach out for help and for friendship. But that’s what you need to do. If you were an extrovert, you’d have lots of friends to turn to right now. But as an introvert you only need one or two true friends. Friends who stick closer than a brother.”

Luka immediately thought of Davor. He could just imagine what Davor would say about this situation.

Dr. Reed looked up at the clock. It was getting late, and Luka was much calmer. “Promise me, Luka, that you’ll stay in Chicago. Just keep trying. It’s not over yet, and you know it. It’s obvious that Kerry cares about you, and you have your brother. Lean on them a little. Ask for help. I’m sure they’ll do everything they can for you.”

“Just remember, Luka, that you have a great well of courage. It’s limitless. Use that courage. Love your friends, love your brother. Don’t be afraid to reach out, Luka.  It’s the only way you can save yourself. All the demons of the past would be laid to rest if you’ll just hold on. If what Carol told you is true, then there’s somebody out there, just waiting for you. Hell, she could be right around the corner. You never know. But either way, you’ve got to keep to the course.”

“I’ll try,” Luka said at last.

“You’ll stay in Chicago?”

“Yeah. I’ll stay.”

Dr. Reed nodded. “Good. Now, promise me one other thing, Luka.”

“What’s that?”

“You’ve got to face Dr. Benton. Deal with him. Deal with whatever consequences come up from yesterday. I’m sure that Kerry wouldn’t allow anything unreasonable and unjust to happen to you. And remember... I’m here if you need help, and I know Kerry will be there, too. Along with your brother.”

“I’m sure my brother will have a few things to say about what happened yesterday,” Luka said tiredly.

“Maybe. But from what you’ve told me of him, he sounds like he’d stick by your side through thick or thin - that he’d support you even if he disagreed with you.”

Luka shrugged.

“Now... go home and get some rest.”

“I have to go to work,” Luka said, sniffing. His cold was catching up with him.

“Well... then try to take it easy. Do your best, and that’ll be enough.”

Luka rose to his feet slowly. “You know, you need to get more comfortable chairs in this office. I feel like an accordion every time I get up after one our sessions.”

Dr. Reed grinned. “I’m a psychologist, Luka. My job, like a minister, is to afflict the comforted and comfort the afflicted. These chairs help balance things out a little.”

For the first time in a long time, Luka smiled, and Dr. Reed clapped him on the shoulder. “It’s going to get better, Luka. You deserve to be happy, and you will be one day. Just keep going forward.”

Luka nodded, shook Reed’s hand with surprising firmness, and left.



Davor and Isabelle arrived at Kerry’s house at nine that evening, and sat in her living room, attempting small talk until it was just too much for them.

Davor was worried about his brother. That morning, Kerry had filled him in about what Luka had done the day before, and he was horrified. Before she had gone to County, he had carefully advised her on what to do about Dr. Benton, and now Kerry could only hope that he was correct in his assessment. But right now - she couldn’t tell what Davor was thinking.

They discussed what to do when Luka arrived home, and after they had more or less decided on what Kerry could only call a ‘script’, they settled in the living room. Kerry served them each a glass of lemon water-Isabelle didn’t drink, and Davor wanted a clear head-and sat down, waiting nervously.

“All this... all this has just landed on him with both feet,” Davor said, shaking his head. “What did my brother do to deserve all this?”

Isabelle put her hand on Davor’s shoulder, and he looked at her. “Isabelle, would you have done what Luka did?”

She thought about it a moment. “One would have to be there to know, Davor. I know that as a doctor, I often find myself in situations where I have to react, and the fact that I’m human does come into play very often.” Isabelle had a gentle, soothing voice that Kerry figured children probably liked. In fact, Kerry had immediately warmed to this beautiful, soft-spoken woman. There was something very sweet and pure about her. “It’s hard to say what I’d do if I were...” She paused for a moment, looking for the right American phrase. “In his shoes.”

He looked at Kerry. “Dr. Weaver? Would you have done it?”

“I don’t know, Davor,” she answered honestly. “I think Isabelle expressed my thoughts pretty well.” It was her day off, but it had started on a tough note. Her private session with Peter Benton had gone well-she had taken as much wind out of his sails as possible-but she knew more storms were coming. Peter might still go to Romano, and knowing that little weasel, anything was possible. Then that talk with Dr. Coburn, which had considerably calmed Kerry’s worries about Gloria Milton.

Davor stared down at his hands. His logical mind was in conflict with his love and loyalty to his brother. Luka had broken laws yesterday, or at least specific rules. But weren’t extenuating circumstances always applicable to situations like that? It was wrong for his brother to make a judgment call, but as Kerry had put it, every situation is different, and every doctor is different. Besides that, Luka had been in the war. He had been forced to watch his own patients die while treating the wounded soldiers who had murdered his own family. Davor had to wonder if this Peter Benton fellow had ever been in a battle zone, with bullets whizzing past his head, using whatever means necessary to save the lives of innocent victims.

They all stood up when they heard keys jangling in the door. Kerry went into the hall, and stood watching as Luka came in. He looked worn down, but his eyes weren’t as dull as she expected them to be. In fact, he looked calm.

It was strange how smoothly the shift had gone. He had dealt with countless shootings, accidents, injuries and illness. On a few occasions, he came face to face with Benton but he held his tongue, keeping his temper under control-pushing everything down as far as possible. So it surprised Luka how Peter treated him. He hadn’t been friendly, but he had actually listened to Luka’s recommendations in traumas and in each case, Peter had yelled “Good job, people!” before dashing upstairs with the patient. Luka found it hard to believe that Peter meant those words for him in particular, but he had done well all day. Every trauma case went upstairs stable for surgery, and each one survived. Every case had been dealt with calmly. The nurses were all friendly and kind. Mark was actually... respectful?

Luka was wondering what had happened to Carter, though, as he came in. Mark had merely said, “Kerry will tell you about it.” Luka hoped that nothing bad had happened to the young resident - he liked Carter, but he had noticed his erratic behavior of late and now he felt bad about having never said anything about it.

“Luka?”

Kerry was standing in the hallway, as if she had been waiting for him. He watched her warily for a moment, then nodded hello.

“Davor and Isabelle are here... we’ve all been very worried about you.”

“I’m okay,” he said at last. Well, not really okay, he thought. But I have to keep going. I don’t have a choice.

Davor appeared in the hallway, followed by Isabelle. The two brothers eyed each other for a moment, and Luka prepared himself for a dressing-down. But Davor only walked to him and embraced him, hugging him so fiercely that Luka hiccuped.

That made Davor laugh. “All right, little brother... come on in the kitchen. Kerry made Dalmatian pot roast.”

“Please...” Luka said. “No spotted puppy jokes.”

Isabelle giggled, and Kerry smiled. “I hope it tastes something like what you’ve had before at home. He gave me this long list of ingredients, and all these complicated instructions...” She rolled her eyes, but Davor only smiled.

They all sat down to the meal, but Kerry kept a close eye on Luka. He seemed to be forcing himself to eat-taking each bite deliberately, chewing slowly and swallowing as if it took all his strength to just sit up and consume anything. Isabelle, Davor and Kerry chatted amiably, all watchful, doing their best to set Luka at ease. Luka just kept his eyes down, saying very little, responding in mono-syllables to every inquiry.

Finally, Davor laid his fork down and looked across the table at Luka. “Kerry told me what happened yesterday, Luka. The shooter and the pregnant girl.”

Luka glanced at Kerry, then looked at his brother, swallowing and licking his lips nervously. He wasn’t intimidated by Davor, but he felt ashamed of having disappointed not only his brother, but Kerry as well. He looked at her, but was startled to see only concern in her eyes.

“I did what I thought was best,” Luka said at last. “I regret that Dr. Benton’s patient died, but I do not regret that my patient lived.”

Kerry glanced at Davor, who nodded. She had carefully arranged her words through the meal, and desperately wanted Luka to hear her. “I don’t regret it either, Luka. And I’m sure Dr. Benton doesn’t.”

“So you’re making excuses for me, Kerry?” Luka asked her, turning his gaze on her.

She folded her napkin very neatly, running her finger along the crease, carefully stringing every word together. “No. I’m not. You’re human and you’re fallible. Just like me, just like... everyone. We all make judgment calls that upon review may not have been the wisest.”

“You’ve spoken to Dr. Benton?”

“Yes. I have. And I pointed that out to him. That he’s just as guilty of making questionable decisions as any of us.”

Luka looked at his brother for a moment, waiting for Davor to say something. But the older man was quiet. He looked at Kerry again, eyes wide. “Don’t you have to discipline me?”

“No. In fact, I discussed the situation with Dr. Romano this morning. It was a rather rough session, I’ll admit...” She paused. Romano had been howling for Luka’s blood, but Kerry had pulled out her only card: Gretel the Dog. Romano had been more willing to listen to her when she pointed out that the hospital board might not take too kindly to information of that sort. “Instead, Dr. Romano recommended nothing more than a two week...” The word had been ‘suspension’, but Kerry had managed to convince Robert that the word ought to be vacation. “He recommended a vacation for you.”

“A vacation?” Luka looked startled. “But... I still have to deal with... with...”

“Dr. Benton? Yes, you do. He was very upset about yesterday, but after I made several points to him about the behavior of other doctors in the ER in the past, including him and myself, he seemed more willing to at least give you the benefit of the doubt.”

“What if the shooter’s family sues?” Davor asked. Luka stared at his brother, fear in his eyes, but Kerry shook her head.

“And be labeled as callous opportunists? That man entered a school building with the intent of harming others. That won’t sound too good in a courtroom when his family asks for millions of dollars from County General, will it?”

Davor glanced at Kerry. They had planned this entire conversation very carefully. If they could just figure out a way to keep him grounded, they would be successful.

“What happened to Carter, by the way?” Luka asked.

“He was shooting up painkillers in the ER, Luka. He became addicted.” Kerry’s answer was simple and straightforward.

Luka drew his breath in sharply. “Is he all right?”

“He will be. He’s gone to rehab in Atlanta, Georgia. He’ll be back in about three months. So you see, Luka... Carter was a danger to patients. He allowed his troubles to get the better of him, and now he’s facing the consequences.”

“And I have to face the consequences for my behavior,” Luka said. He looked at his now-empty plate. “I must be a terrible disappointment to you, Kerry.”

She stole a look at Davor, who urged her continue. “No, Luka, that isn’t true   at all. I think the worst thing you’ll have to deal with is Peter Benton. Your actions were arguable at worst, yesterday. Now, you shouldn’t have administered ketamine to Gloria Milton...” Kerry swallowed, but continued carefully, treading very softly. “But I talked to Cleo and Chuny and they agreed that her actions...her complete lack of conscience... would not make her a very popular witness against you. And Dr. Coburn pointed out that it’s not likely she’ll sue, anyway. Gloria apparently wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible, and left this morning AMA. She didn’t want her parents to know about her condition, right? So if she sued... they’d know, wouldn’t they? Besides that, the doctor seemed to think the girl was going a few bricks short of a load.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell Dr. DeRaad,” Luka answered wearily.

Davor smiled. “Amazing, how different the laws are here in the United States. In Croatia, in France... if Luka had not saved that baby, he could be facing criminal charges.”

“But this isn’t Croatia...” Luka argued. “I broke the law...”

“And a judge seemed to find something wrong with that law,” Kerry shook her head. “We got the court order last night, Luka.”

He stared at her, devastated, and she finally reached out to him, touching his shoulder, wishing she could throw her arms around him and hug him-tell him everything was going to be okay. She had been calling the ER all day, checking in with Mark about Luka’s general behavior, and Mark had said that everything had gone smoothly all day-that in fact, Luka had done a great job-high praise, indeed, from Mark Greene. Peter had been ‘cool, but polite’, and the nurses had practically babied Luka all day, standing guard over him as if he were a sick child.

“Luka,” Davor said quietly. “I won’t say... I will never say... what I think about what happened yesterday, because it’s not my call. I will say this, though.You are my brother, and I will always love you. There have been more than a few times when I didn’t show that love very well, and that I hurt you terribly in the past. I think the worst thing I ever did was to wound your dignity. That was all you had left after Vukovar, and I put you in that home, and I know now that it was an insult to you - like being spat on, really...but you see, Luka, I didn’t think you were crazy, and neither did they. They wanted to help you. And now... now, you’re seeking help. You’re finally seeing a psychologist, and you’re getting better.  It’s just going to take time. A lot of it is going to hurt, because you’re coming back to life again. You’re feeling again...” He paused for a moment, looking away, not wanting anyone to see how difficult this was for him to say out loud. He had to throw logic and ‘facts’ out the window. That was the only way to deal with Luka. Luka was a man whose heart guided him, not necessarily his head. “You need to lean on us now, Luka. You need to get help when you need it. You need to talk to your friends... to me, to Kerry. We’ll always be here for you. We’ll always support you, through hell or high water.  No matter what happens, you’ll always be my brother, and that won’t change. My loyalty to you is unconditional...as is my love.”

Kerry could tell that speech had taken a lot out of Davor, and that he’d meant every word, but Luka’s reaction was perhaps the most beautiful thing of all. His eyes filled with tears, and he looked down, biting his lip. He was touched, and blessed.

“Davor’s right, Luka,” she said gently. “We’re all here for you. Any time, day or night. You’re not alone any more.”

Luka looked at them-Isabelle was in tears now, and that got him laughing. He shook his head in amazement. A year ago, he had been alone, despondent, lost, and even afraid. Now, he had his brother back, a future sister, and a friend. What more could a man ask for?

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

Kerry smiled. “Now... Luka, what did you think of my Dalmatian pot roast?”

“It was excellent, Kerry. Almost as good as our mother made it, eh, Davor?”

Davor caught his brother’s wink and laughed out loud. Their mother had been a lousy cook. Isabelle giggled through her tears, and Luka chuckled. Kerry didn’t care that they were poking gentle fun at her. Just to hear Luka laugh - that was enough for her.

To be continued...