Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to "The Greatest of Gifts"
Disclaimer: Kerry Weaver and John Carter and all other ER-characters mentioned in this story belong to Warner Bros. NBC, ConstantC, Amblin and all those guys that get to play with them all the time. I'm just borrowing them, no infringement intended. Honest. Don't sue me, okay? This story may not be used, distributed or archived without the permission of the author. It was written for the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your own pleasure. Thanks to Scotty Welles for catching all those errors I made! Feedback: If you don't mind?
I hate snow. It causes MVAs and swamps the ER with people who slipped on their front porch. It melts on my coat until I'm all wet and freezing, my nose running. It sticks under my shoes and crutch so I can't walk properly.
The only good thing about snow is the quiet it seems to bring. Since I've been living in Chicago I made it a habit to stay inside with a good cup of cocoa and some music when it snows. At least if I happen not to work.
Today is such a day. It has been steadily snowing for hours, a good few inches already. I am on my third cup of cocoa and have actually finished the novel I've been reading on and of since October. Putting it down, I look around for something to do.
I don't want to start another book just yet, who knows when I'll be able to finish it. I'm in no mood to do paperwork, not after a week of double shifts and never-ending meetings. With Mark and Luka gone and Jing-Mei on maternity leave, the ER has been severely understaffed. I briefly consider calling Kim again but I'm still not sure what I am going to say.
And so I get up to get another cup of cocoa and try not to think about the next few days. Christmas. It's not easy not to feel lonely, especially around the holidays, when everyone else seems to meet their loved ones.
Just as I consider watching 'It's a Wonderful Life' for the umpteenth time, the doorbell rings. Looking through the peephole I see John standing there, shivering, his coat covered with snow.
I open the door, surprised to see him. "Carter, what are you doing here? Come on in, you're freezing."
He looks startled for a moment, then steps inside, and taking off his coat. "I'm sorry to disturb you on your day off. I...I wanted to check your heating, make sure there is nothing wrong."
I can tell there's something else on his mind, but I don't pry. I was always able to see through his lies and this one is so obvious it's almost laughable, but if there's something he wants to tell me, he will in his own time.
Looking him over closely I see the fatigue etched in on his face. And I notice the little puddle of melting snow that is collecting under his feet.
"You're soaked."
He peels of his coat. "Yeah, I left my car at the hospital and took the EL, I figured with this much snow your street wouldn't be passable."
"Carter, the EL is several blocks away from here! You walked that distance in this weather? It's almost a blizzard out there." He is still dripping on the floor and I'm not about to loose one of my last working colleagues to pneumonia. "Get out of these clothes, I'm gonna get you something dry to wear."
He shoots me a half-amused look, cocking his eyebrow a little.
"Go on, you know where the bathroom is. I need you healthy, John."
He finally shuffles off in the general direction of the bath, leaving a trail of water droplets and I head towards my room, pondering which of my clothes could possibly fit him. Well, there is one of Rick's old shirts I sometimes still sleep in. Rummaging through the depths of my closet I find a pair of wool socks and some sweat pants which aren't really his size but they'll do.
I put them down in front of the bathroom door and knock. "John? I got some clothes for you. They're outside the door. I'll be in the living room."
When he steps into the room five minutes later he's still toweling his hair and I can't help but grin at him. The shirt fits him more or less, but the sweats end a little under mid-calf.
I pass him a cup of cocoa and watch him sip the hot liquid gingerly. "You want to go into the basement now?"
"Huh?" He clearly doesn't know what I mean.
"Check the heating?"
"Oh. Yeah." John gets up and I follow him down the steps.
"You haven't got another tenant?"
"Never looked for one really...I didn't need the money with being Chief and..." The truth is I don't want someone strange living here, not after living with Carter for a while. It was nice, coming home to someone I knew, a friend I could talk to.
We reach the boiler and John turns around, asking me: "You got a flashlight?"
"Upstairs, I'll get it."
I walk into the kitchen just in time to catch the rest of a radio message "...EL ceases service due to the weather conditions. The Chicago Police Department asks all citizens to stay at home and use the roads only in case of emergency. Until further notice..."
It seems like I won't be alone for the next few days.
I turn around when I hear John coming up the steps. "Everything's okay, I don't need the light anymore..."
"I hope you don't have any important appointments the next day or so," I tell him.
"Why?" He looks quizzically at me.
"The streets are closed and the EL isn't running. Seems like you are stuck here until they decide to plow the roads. I'm sorry. It's a good thing we are both of tonight, though." There's a hint of panic in his eyes but I could be mistaken, because the next moment it's gone.
"Oh no, I can't. I mean, I have an AA meeting tonight and..."
"I don't think the meeting will take place with the weather so bad." I put my hand on his arm for a moment, trying to cease his apparent anxiety. "There will be no ramifications at work, John. I can confirm that you weren't able to attend. It's okay, really."
He looks outside the window where the snow is still falling thickly. "And I'm supposed to meet Gamma for lunch tomorrow."
"Maybe the streets will be free until then."
"But I don't want to bother you, Dr. Weaver."
Even here, I'm Dr. Weaver to him again, it seems. "John, it's no bother. I'd enjoy having you around. Not that you have a choice, really. "
"Well then..." He says and grins at me.
"Well then..." I answer and grin back. "You hungry?"
"You know I always am."
I watch his attempts to slice the meat and am tempted to take the knife away from him. How is it possible for him to be so skilled with a scalpel and such a klutz with a kitchen knife? "Why don't you let me do this and you'll peel the onions?"
He looks at me for a second and then pretends to pout. "I always have to do the onions. I hate them." But he shoves the cutting board in my direction and takes the onions.
A few minutes later the meat is sizzling in hot oil and I turn toward Carter again. There are tears running down his cheeks, but the onions have been chopped into reasonably sized dices.
He pretends to scowl at me when he hands me the board but I can see the light in his eyes. "They put up quite a fight but I won."
After we sit down at the kitchen counter I watch him for a moment before asking: "Do you want to tell me why you are really here?"
He looks up from his plate, his eyes averting mine. "What do you mean?"
"You didn't come over just to check the heating, did you? What happened, John?" I can see he is nervous again and I reach over, placing my hand lightly over his.
"Yeah...there's something I need to tell you. I...I took some Vicodin the other day. I was treating this biker, he had a couple of prescription bottles in his pocket. When I came into the room later, they stood around and I took some. It was like a reflex. As soon as I realised what had happened I...put a finger in my throat. They never were in my system, but I took them..."
It takes a moment for me to understand what he's saying. "Oh John." I squeeze his hand, briefly, then look at him. There's remorse in his eyes and fear. "It...it's good you told me. Did you talk to your sponsor?"
"Abby? Yeah, she told me I had to tell you, but I couldn't. I shared at my meeting that evening, though." He's still not looking me in the eyes. "But I realised Abby was right, I had to tell you about it."
I nod. "Yeah, you had to. And it's good that you did. You know that I have to put it into your file, do you?" I make a mental note to talk to Abby. She should have told me right on what was happening. But looking at John I realise that it was better for him to tell me himself, instead of Abby going behind his back like last May.
At that he finally meets my eye. "You are not gonna send me back to Atlanta?"
The thought startles me, to be honest. "No. But you have to promise to tell me when something like that happens again or even when you feel tempted." He nods quickly. "Was there a particular reason for you to take the pills?"
"I dunno. I mean, I was pretty stressed out. I had the night shift and then Deb went into labour. But that's no excuse. What scares me most is that it happened like a reflex. I mean, I didn't even think, I just swallowed them."
I watch him closely. "John, you know that these things can happen to you. That's why it is important for you to take a step back when you realise you are stressed or feeling not well. I understand that you think you are back to your old 'capabilities' and you are, in a way. But you have to be careful. County can't afford to loose you. We need you in the ER."
He smiles at me. "Thanks, Kerry."
John looks at the TV I've turned on and groans. "Oh, you aren't watching that, are you?"
"Actually I do. Why?"
"You can't be serious! You like that?"
"Well, I think this Billy Kronk guy is rather cute for one." It's somehow familiar, sitting here, squabbling over the TV program with him.
He groans again but settles down next to me. "This is stupid. I thought this guy was working in the ER, what's he doing in the OR then?"
"Ssh..." I hush him, grinning.
"And that doesn't even look like Chicago."
"Carter! Be quit."
"Kerry?"
"Huh?" He has startled me out of my reverie.
"You were miles away." John looks at me, clearly amused. But he must've seen something in my eyes because suddenly his expression changes into one of concern. "You okay?"
I look away. "Yeah."
"No, really, what's wrong?"
I try to get up, put some distance between us, but he takes my hand and gently pulls me back onto the couch. "Kerry, come on. I know something's bothering you. You can tell me. I told you about my problems, too."
"That wasn't really the same thing." I tell him.
"So there 'is' something," he answers.
'Ah, dammit' "Yeah, there's something or better someone. At work. We really work well together and have the same interests and all. We are...were friends. But this person fell in love with me, and..."
"But that's great," he interrupts me, smiling.
"...and now I don't know what I should do," I finish lamely.
"So you don't reciprocate his feelings?" I can see those little wheels in his head turning, trying to guess who it might be that fell for some crippled...someone like me.
"That's the problem. I...I don't know what I'm feeling. We grew close over the last few weeks and I'm afraid to loose all this, loose a great friend, but I'm not sure I can take the next step." I'm nervously fiddling with my hands, straightening the pillow I have cradled on my lap over and over again.
"Did something happen between the two of you?" His hand is above mine, trying to calm me.
"We kissed..." I whisper. I'm not even sure he heard me but apparently he did.
"And?"
"It...it was...beautiful." And it really was, I realise. Behind all that 'I'm straight, I never really considered this' crap, I had enjoyed kissing Kim.
"So what's the problem?" he asks.
"I don't know...I can't...what will people think...what'll happen if it doesn't work out?" And what will happen if it does, indeed, work out?
"Kerry, you'll never know until you try. And since when do you care what others think of you?" There's that boyish grin he knows I can't resist.
"You are right." He is. I won't know what'll happen until I try.
He can't resist. "So who's the lucky fellow?"
I swallow. "Dr. Legaspi."
That shocks him, but only for a moment. "Wow...she...she's great, Kerry. I would definitely go for it, if I were you...um...you know..." He can't help but laugh at the dead end he has talked himself in to. "Promise me you'll give her a call," he finishes.
I give him a quick hug and smile. "I promise. Thank you, John."
"You are cheating!"
"John, this is Trivial Pursuit. You can't cheat at Trivial Pursuit."
"You do!"
"And how would I do that?"
"I dunno, but you are. You are cheating at Poker, too."
"Everyone cheats at Poker, John. Ask me the next question."
It's long after midnight before we finally turn in for the night. It felt good to sit there and talk to him again even if he's grumpy after I beat him at Trivial Pursuit three times in a row.
We both sleep in, the next day. It's not like we could go anywhere, is it? After a lazy breakfast, John calls his Grandmother to cancel their lunch.
"Hi Gamma, it's John...no...no. Everything's fine. Listen, I won't make it to the mansion today...Yes, the roads are too bad. Yes, I have plenty of bread and milk at home..." He grins at me. I roll my eyes.
"No, I don't have to work today...Uh, no, you won't be able to reach me at home...no, I'm at Ker... Dr. Weaver's... yes... no... No!"
I watch him squirm a bit. He's blushing now. "Gamma! It's not like that. Really. Yes, yes I will...okay. Say 'hello' to Gramps from me. Yes, bye."
John shoots me an embarrassed grin. "Gamma sends you the best wishes."
"Thank you."
Around noon it finally stops snowing. But it takes another three hours for the snowplow to reach my street.
John refuses my offer of driving him home but insists on taking the EL.
"Goodbye Kerry. Thank you for having me and all," he grins when I see him out the door. "Don't forget that phone call, okay?"
"Bye John. Take care. And thank you." I hug him quickly then grin as he slips on my front steps and barely avoids to land on his bottom.
After closing the door I reach for my phone and dial a familiar number. The voice on the answering machine sends a little shiver down my spine. "Kim? It's me...you think we could meet and talk...go for a date? Call me please. Bye."
I think snow isn't so bad after all.
The End
Note: The TV-Program John dislikes so much is, obviously, 'Chicago Hope'.