Going Home


The rain was pouring down outside of County General, and it matched
Elizabeth's mood. She was in their van, driving in for an important
meeting, one that would probably change her future. In the car seat behind
her, Cassie let out a loud wail, annoyed at being woken up, and hustled
into the van.

Elizabeth parked outside on the street near the front entrance. She didn't
want to be seen coming in, there would be too many questions. Pulling
Cassie's baby raincoat tighter around her small body, Elizabeth made a mad
dash towards the door. She didn't care that
her hair was soaked, and was lying flat on her head, like limp wet noodles.
Elizabeth punched the elevator button, and impatiently tapped her foot.
When the metal doors opened up, a crowd walked out, but no one came in with
her, just as she had hoped.


Elizabeth stepped off the elevator, and on to the floor she was going to.
It was a long corridor of offices, and small rooms. It was eerily silent,
all of the patients were in their rooms, resting. She stepped closer to
one door, the farthest one to the right, pulled the
door open and went up to the receptionist.

"Uh..I have an appointment with Dr. Sheilds." Elizabeth told her, in a
slightly wary voice. Cassie was becoming fidgety, so she gently rocked her
back and forth, while the secretary madly typed on her computer.

"Have a seat, Mrs. Greene." She replied. "Dr. Sheilds is just finishing
up with a patient right now. I'll call you as soon as she's finished."

"Thank you." Elizabeth said softly, surprising herself with the gentleness
of her voice. Any other time, she would have given a cheery thank you, or
an annoyed remark about her having an appointment, but not today. It was
different.

She sat down, and took off her rain-soaked jacket, and hung it up at the
end of the rack. Placing her purse down, she then took off her daughter's
small coat, and placed it on top of it. Elizabeth held her close, and
brushed the fine baby hair from her face. Staring back
up at her was her liquid brown, inquisitive eyes. Eyes that were so
familiar, that held so much depth for someone who was so young. She could
just sit there an be mesmerized by her face, the tiny fingers, and trying
to figure out who she looked more like, herself or
Mark......

"Elizabeth? Are you ready to come in?" Dr. Shields' voice broke through
Elizabeth's thoughts.

"Yes, I am. Just let me grab my bag." Elizabeth juggled the baby, her
jacket and the bag, then walked into the doctor's office. She sat down on
the hard leather chair, in front of her desk.

"So how have you been, Elizabeth?" Dr. Sheilds asked, leafing through a
chart.

"Ok, I suppose, with all considering. I came here to tell you something,
I've made a decision." Elizabeth told her, looking away.

"A decision on what?" She asked, straightening out her glasses. This way
going to be interesting.

"I reach for a man, that is never there. I wake up some nights, turn over,
and hope he's I can feel him. But he never is..." Elizabeth brushed back
her limp curls, trying to keep her composure.

"Elizabeth, you know he won't be there...remember we talked about this
before? Tell me why, he won't be there." Dr. Sheilds prompted.

Elizabeth pulled Cassie closer to her, and kissed the top of her head. She
couldn't bring herself to say those two words.

"Elizabeth.....you have to accept this, and by accepting it you must be
able to talk about it......"

"He's dead." Elizabeth interrupted, her voive barley above a whisper.
"There, are you happy now? I said it, Mark's dead and he's never coming
back, and he left me all alone, and I'm so scared..." Elizabeth started to
cry, as a rush of emotion hit her like a ton of
bricks. Though weeks had passed since that had happened, the pain was
still fresh in her mind, and it hurt.

"Elizabeth, I know this is hard for you. You need time to grieve, to miss
him. But you also need to go on. You have a daughter to raise, a job to
do. Now what is it you wanted to tell me?" She asked, in a sympathetic
voice.

"I'm leaving." Was the short, to the point reply.

"Leaving, as in quitting your job?" Dr. Sheilds tried to clarify.

"No as in leaving the country. I'm going home, to England. I can't stay
here, there's too many memories. I can't even walk into the kitchen and go
get a drink from my fridge without almost starting to cry! Whenever I come
in to work, all I get are these pitiful
looks from all my co-workers, the way the crowds seem to part as I walk by.
I hear them whispering, but when I go by, it all stops. I don't want to
live my life like this, I can't eat, I can't sleep. The only thing that
keeps me sane is my daughter. She's all I have now, she's Mark's daughter,
and mine. Our baby together, and I won't let her grow up having an awful
mother. And that's what I'll be if I stay here. All I can think about is
Mark, no matter where I am. Every part of this city holds some sort of
sentimental value, something
to remember him. Back home, there's nothing." Elizabeth explained.

"But Cassie is Mark's child, that will be a constant reminder of him, and
moving away won't solve that problem." She contradicted.

"Thats not the point." Elizabeth replied, angrily. "I'm going to leave,
and nothing anyone says or does is going to stop me!"

"Will you still go to therapy when you go back to England?" Dr. Sheilds
asked, giving Elizabeth a doubtful look.

"Yes." Was her sharp reply. "Not that I need it...it was decided for me
by my fellow colleagues that I needed help 'dealing' with Mark's death, so
as not to hinder my job." Elizabeth retorted sarcastically.

"Everyone needs someone to talk to Elizabeth, especially when tragedy
strikes." Dr. Sheilds told her, in a very psychiatrist-like tone of voice.

"Don't you dare patronize me! I don't need this crap, I would have been
just fine if you hadn't have made me 'face my inner demons and fears!' I
don't need this, not at all. I was giving you the common courtesy of
telling you I was leaving. I've told you, so good-bye."
Elizabeth stood up, grabbed her bag, and marched out of the office. Cassie
started to cry, at the sound of raised voices, so Elizabeth had to stop and
calm her down.

"What are you going to tell her when she grows up? That you left behind
your life, because you wanted to get away from your past? Hmmm?" The
doctor called after her. "What I tell my daughter is my business....But if
you must know I will tell her everything.
Even though Mark isn't here, I'll tell Cassie all about him, what he was
like, his favourite things. Answer me this, doctor." She put emphasis on
the word 'doctor.' "What would you do if the man you loved was diagnosed
with a brain tumor, and inoperable one. Then
you find out that he's going to have experimental surgery. To top it all
off, you're being sued for malpractice, and you're pregnant. After the
surgery, you think everything is A- Ok. Guess again. The tumor is back,
and your man only has a few weeks to live. You
have just had your baby, and now your have to say good-bye to someone you
love more than anything in the entire world. Can you honestly tell me
you've been through that, huh?" Elizabeth yelled, angrily.

"No, I myself haven't been through any of that." She replied.

"Well then don't tell me how to live my life." Elizabeth spun around, and
stormed out of the room, tearing down the hall towards the elevator

On the ride down in the elevator, Elizabeth took in slow, deep breaths to
try and calm herself down. Cassie was still squirming around in her arms,
making it next to impossible for Elizabeth to do up her coat, so they could
go home.

She was hoping to slip out of the ER unnoticed by anyone, so she didn't
have to explain what was going on, but it just wasn't her day.

"Are you on Dr. Corday?" Carter called out, walking towards her. "Oh, I'm
sorry. I didn't see Cassie there with you, so I guess you're just getting
off huh?" Carter was trying to make conversation with her. Elizabeth had
been so quiet and withdrawled since Mark's
death, and everyone was trying to crack her open. Get *something* out of
her, how she was feeling, what things were like now.

"No, Carter I'm not on. I had an appointment that I needed to go to, and I
just finished. Now, I'm going back to the house." Elizabeth refused to
call it a "home", because to her, a home was somewhere happy, somewhere
safe. Her house didn't feel like either of those
things.

"Oh, ok. Uh...so how are you doing?" He asked, looking away.

"Fine." She snapped. "How do you think I feel, Carter? Hmm? How would you
feel if you were me? Peachy? Alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic?"

"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. We're just all worried about you, thats all."
Carter apologized. He really hadn't wanted to get her going. Carter
looked over at her, and didn't see the same person he had always known.
There were deep black hollows under her eyes, her skin
was a pale, translucent colour. And most of all, she had lost a lot of
weight, more weight than she should have lost, after having Cassie. He
shook his head, and pulled her aside into the lounge.

"You know, it's ok to talk you know. I made that mistake, after...the
stabbing." Carter shuddered, when he spoke of his own attack.

"I know it's ok, Carter. But I just can't, not yet. It still hurts, even
to think about him a little bit." Elizabeth replied, rocking Cassie back
and forth.

Carter gave her a surprise look. This was the most she had spoken about
Mark since he had died. He was going to try and encourage her to go on.

"Why don't we go somewhere and talk, Elizabeth. I think you need some one
to talk to, and I know I've never really been close to you, but Mark was my
friend. And I know he'd never want you to waste away like this." Carter
told Elizabeth, trying not to be harsh.

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Well, this is it for now....tell me what you think. Next part: Carter tried
to console Elizabeth, and Romano pays them a visit.