Introduction - Histeria! Nite Live

Intro - Loud Kiddinton and Fetch jingle

Sketch 1 - The Wheel

Father Time: The year: 3000 B.C.  The place: Sumeria in the Middle East, the cradle of
             civilization.  The event: the invention of the wheel.  I thought we'd never
             get "around" to it. [laughs] The wheel, perhaps the most important tool ever
             developed by man.  The wheel will change transportation and industry forever.
             Of course, the invention of the wheel led to another important breakthrough--
             the used wheel salesman!
  Announcer: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
 Kid Chorus: [singing] If you need a new invention go see Loud,
             In Sumeria he sticks out in a crowd,
             If you wanna buy a wheel,
       Loud: I'll make you such a deal!
 Kid Chorus: Go see Loud, go see Loud, go see Loud!
       Loud: Hey folks, Loud Kiddington here!  And just when you thought your Stone Age life
             couldn't get any better, along comes...the wheel!
      Fetch: It's the biggest thing since the rock!
       Loud: My dog Fetch here will eat bat guano if I don't sell you a wheel.
      Fetch: Eat what?!
       Loud: Yes, the wheel!  All new for 3002 B.C.!
      Fetch: I'm not eatin' bat guano!
       Loud: We'll discuss it later.
      Fetch: No we won't!
     Pepper: [laughs] And just look at what the wheel can do!  It turns...
    rolls!! [laughs]
  Miss Info: Use it for a wheelbarrow, a water wheel, even a wagon wheel!
        WOW: The wheel can go as far as your imagination takes it.
       Loud: It's the sensation that's sweeping the Sumerian nation!
      Fetch: You eat the bat guano!
       Loud: I'm not eatin' the bat guano.
      Fetch: Well, I'm not either.
       Loud: [annoyed] All right, forget it, just forget it, okay!!
      Fetch: Fine!
       Loud: Good!
  Miss Info: And, the wheel comes in a wide variety of styles and models.  We have wooden 
             wheels in birch, pine, and new, hickory!
      Fetch: [sniffs wheel] Ahh, smells familiar!

Big Fat Baby holds up a heavy stone wheel, and then collapses under its weight.

       WOW: Or, pick up one of our sturdy hand-chiseled stone wheels!  If you can.
      Loud: Loud Kiddington''s a giant supermarket of wheels!
 Announcer: To get to Loud's, just take the Tigres-Euphrates river basin to the Sumer
            off-ramp and you're there!
      Loud: So come on down to Sumeria and buy a wheel!  'Cause if you don't, my dog Fetch
            here will eat a big pile of elephant plop!
     Fetch: Say what?!
Kid Chorus: [singing] Go see Loud, go see Loud, go see Loud!
      Loud: We'll see you here!
     Fetch: I quit!!

Sketch 2 - What's in a God's Name? (song)

Sketch 3 - An Olympic Minute

Father Time: The place: Ancient Greece, one of the world's greatest civilizations.  Beginning
             in 776 B.C., the Olympic games were held in the summer once every four years at
             Olympia, Greece, in honor of the god Zeus.  And now it's time for an Olympic

Loud Kiddington is shown running through the Greek countryside.

  Announcer: 490 B.C.  Greek messenger Pheidippidies runs 26 miles to Athens.
       Loud: Comin' through!!
  Announcer: To deliver the news of Greece's victory in the Persian wars.  This feat would
             eventually turn into an Olympic event we now call "The Marathon"
       Loud: I'm faster than lightning!!
       Chit: Ooh!  And louder, too!

At a large Olympic stadium, Toast speeds past the other runners and crosses the finish line.

  Announcer: In 488 B.C., Milo the Swift completes the marathon in a stunning one hour and
             forty-seven minutes.  However, Milo was stripped of his medal after testing
             positive for winged heels.
      Toast: Bummer.
Father Time: This has been an Olympic minute.

[commercial break]

Sketch 4 - Hannibal Crosses the Alps

Suddenly, the Histeria! logo appears on-screen.

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast for an important message.
    Lydia: Hi, I'm Lydia Karaoke, Network Censor.  It has come to our attention that this next
           sketch stars a famous Carthagenian general named Hannibal, and some believe we 
           have painted him incorrectly.  Please note that Hannibal may have been a
           dark-skinned African and was one of the greatest conquerors of all time.  Thank
           you.  And now, sit back and enjoy...the Hannibal sketch.

At a military encampment, Miss Info strolls by Hannibal himself, who is planning an attack.

Father Time: The place: New Carthage, Spain.  The year: 218 B.C., the beginning of the second
             Punic war between Carthage and the Roman Empire.
  Miss Info: And to our right is the great Carthaginian general Hannibal.
   Hannibal: That's Mr. Hannibal to you.
  Miss Info: Who is plottin' a surprise invasion of Rome itself!
   Hannibal: Would somebody call security?!
  Miss Info: Stay together people!  I'm walkin', I'm walkin'...

Cho-Cho grabs Lucky Bob, whose mind had wandered off, and takes him back to the now-departed
tour group.  Hannibal goes back to his maps.

  Hannibal: Hmm...which route would the Romans least expect?  An attack by ship along the 
            Mediterranean, or from land by way of the Alps?
Kid Chorus: [singing] Go to Rome, from his home,
            Across the sea, or through the snow?
            He can't decide yet, which way's the best bet,
            To get to Rome, from his home!
  Hannibal: Didn't I just say that?!  You!  Solider!

Hannibal throws a handful of nearby blueberries at Toast, who is sleeping on the job.

   Toast: Hey! [licks his face] Woah, munchies!  Righteous!  Thanks, Hanni-bro!
Hannibal: It's not snack time!  I want your opinion.
   Toast: Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude.  It reeks.
Hannibal: No, not my wardrobe!  If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?
   Toast: [staring at map, turns it upside down] Uh...let's see...
Hannibal: [points to map] It's right here!!
   Toast: Oh, right, gotcha.  Uh...okay, I would go, like, uh...this way?
Hannibal: Of course you would!  Because you have the I.Q. of a fence!  Which is precisely why
          we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead!  Assemble the 
   Toast: Woah, check me out!  I'm like, a military strategist.  That's pretty cool, huh?

Hannibal stares at a nearby mountain, pondering how to best cross it.

  Hannibal: I need to find a beast sturdy enough to transport my troops across the Alps!
Kid Chorus: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
     Fetch: [barks]
  Hannibal: Hah?!

The Kid Chorus marches by once again.

Kid Chorus: [singing] When you need a beast of burden talk to Loud,
      Loud: Of all my animals, I'm so proud!
Kid Chorus: He will yell until he's blue,
      Loud: Then I'll make a deal with you,
Kid Chorus: Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
      Loud: Howdy, Carthagenians!  Loud Kiddington here!  And if I can't make you a deal,
            my dog Fetch'll eat a buffalo chip!
     Fetch: Say what?!
      Loud: Yes sir, it's a giant year-end beast of burden blow-out!  Check out these savings!
            Here's a nifty model--take a test drive on the all-new Lipizzaners!
  Hannibal: Wussies.
      Loud: Or for rugged terrain, try four by four all-weather oxen!
  Hannibal: Puny.
      Loud: Or for something even tougher, we can fix you up with your very own Teamsters!
  Hannibal: Disgusting!
      Loud: Well, maybe I can interest you in this!

A row of enormous elephants roar loudly.  Hannibal is interested.  Meanwhile, the Kid
Chorus begin a song to the tune of "King of the Road".

Kid Chorus: We got elephants for rent,
            For invasions, they're excellent,
            No heat, no air or brakes,
            But just a few peanuts is all it takes,
            Just show them the map, and you're all set
            'Cause directions they never forget,
            If you'll just sign on the line,
            You can get on the road!

Hannibal signs a contract.

  Hannibal: It's a deal!!
     Fetch: Congrats!  You got yourself a five-month lease.
Kid Chorus: [singing] Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
      Loud: Y'all come back now, ya hear?
     Fetch: Bow-wow!

Hannibal and his men, now riding elephants, begin their trek.

   Hannibal: To Rome and glory!!
Father Time: And so Hannibal began his famous journey through the Alps.
 Kid Chorus: [singing] He's a-riding elephants across the Alps,
             Big old honkin' elephants across the Alps,
             He'll be ridin' pachyderms,
             Gettin' nasty saddle burns,
             He's a ridin' elephants across the Alps!             
  Miss Info: But, the trip was a grueling one!  And took almost half a year to complete!
Father Time: In 218 B.C., Hannibal finally reached the Italian border.
   Hannibal: Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!

The elephants roar loudly.  Suddenly, Loud appears in Hannibal's path.

Kid Chorus: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
  Hannibal: Now what?!
      Loud: Howdy, Hannibal!
     Fetch: Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!
  Hannibal: Huh?
      Loud: That'll be 10,000 dinari!
     Fetch: Payment due!
  Hannibal: [laughs] I'm Hannibal!  The greatest general the world's ever known!  I don't
            pay bills!  Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!
      Loud: Have it your way!

Loud claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt.
Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.

       Loud: So long, deadbeats!
 Kid Chorus: [singing] Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
Father Time: Hannibal tried to attack Rome.  But due to his lack of supplies and 
             reinforcements, he was unable to take the city.
  Miss Info: Hannibal was forced to return to Carthage, and was then defeated at the battle
             of Zaman in North Africa.  Thus, markin' the end of the Second Punic War.
   Hannibal: [sighing] Next time, I use Teamsters...

Hannibal rides a pack of Teamsters into battle.

Hannibal: Charge!  Onward, men!  Attack! [screams]
Teamster: The pay's lousy, but we have a great dental plan!

[commercial break]

Sketch 5 - That's Why the Lady is a Queen

Announcer: Live from Caesar's Palace in Rome, Histeria! presents, a military hero whose 
           dance card is always full, Ol' Blue Eyes himself!

Father Time introduces Caesar on-stage.

Father Time: Friends, Romans, and countrymen, put your hands together for the self-proclaimed
             King of all Dictators, Julius Caesar! [applause]
     Caesar: Hail, cats!  I'd like to dedicate a song to the lady in my life, Cleopatra,
             Queen of Egypt!  One, two, a-one, two, three, four...


Sketch 6 - Miss Information and Company: Cleopatra

Announcer: Welcome to Miss Information and Company!  And here's our host, Miss Information!
Miss Info: Hi y'all!  Today, my special guest is Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt.
Cleopatra: [played by the World's Oldest Woman] Glad to be here.  
Miss Info: May I call you Cleo?
Cleopatra: No.
Miss Info: So Cleo, what's it like bein' the leader of your very own country?
Cleopatra: It's like getting a term paper assignment in every class on the same night, and
           they're all due the next day, you know what I mean?
Miss Info: No!  But that's okay.  Movin' on, Cleo, how come you wear so much makeup?
Cleopatra: You ever see me in the morning without it?  It's not a pleasant sight, trust me.
Miss Info: Now Cleo, have you ever been married?
Cleopatra: my ten-year-old half-brother Ptolemy.
Miss Info: Okay...let's move on.
Cleopatra: No, it was political!
Miss Info: Fine, eh heh.  Whatever.  Who am I to judge?  Next question--why do you always walk
           like this? ["walks like an Egyptian"]
Cleopatra: Actually, before I became Queen of the Nile, I used to wait tables!

Cleopatra, playing a waitress, serves Froggo and Aka from trays she holds while doing said
"Egyptian Walk".

Cleopatra: All right, who ordered the goat's milk?
Miss Info: Cleo, you've dated two powerful rulers of Rome, Julius Caesar and Marc Antony.
           Why do you only date rich rulers?
Cleopatra: Because peasants never ask me out! [BFB drums a rim shot]
Miss Info: One last question, Cleo.  Why do you wear a snake on your head?
Cleopatra: What?!  There's a snake on my head?! [panics] Get it off, get if off, get it off,
           get it off me!! [falls off her couch]
Miss Info: Well, that's all the time we have today for me and my company.  Bye-bye now!
Cleopatra: Is it off?  Is it off?

Sketch 7 - Pompeii Acres

Chit Chatterson greets a trio of dejected Romans, played by Cho-Cho, Toast, and Lucky Bob.

     Chit: Friends.  Are you tired of the everyday boredom of life in First Century Rome?
     Kids: Yes!
     Chit: Then you need a vacation home at the foot of majestic Mount Vesuvius in beautiful
           Pompeii Acres!
Announcer: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!

The Kid Chorus pops up again to sing.

Kid Chorus: If you're tired of old Rome, talk to Loud,
            If you need a summer home,
      Loud: I'll do you proud!
Kid Chorus: To a deal you can't say no,
      Loud: Forget that volcano!
Kid Chorus: Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
      Loud: Howdy Roman citizens!  Loud Kiddington here!  And if I can't make you a deal,
            my dog Fetch'll eat a meadow muffin!
     Fetch: Huh?  What's with this kid?
      Loud: Yes, siree!  You, too can enjoy vacation living at its finest at the Roman 
            Empire's favorite resort, Pompeii!

Molly Pitcher pours a pitcher of water over hot coals, filling the room with steam.

Molly Pitcher: Got water?
          Aka: With world-class amenities such as the Pompeii bath!
       Froggo: Naturally heated by our very own volcano.
         Loud: It's seaside living paradise!  With plenty of sunshine and fresh air!

The volcano coughs and spits out a cloud of smoke that envelops Father Time and World's
Oldest, who are lounging.  WOW's head pops out from the cloud of smoke.

       WOW: I thought this was the no-smoking section! 
       Aka: Relax in a lush, pastoral landscape!
    Froggo: And we'll throw in the falling ash for free.
      Loud: So get on the bandwagon and come on down to Pompeii Acres before it's too late!
Kid Chorus: [singing] If you need to get away, talk to Loud!
      Loud: Better hurry here today and beat the crowd!
Kid Chorus: When the lava starts to flow, you'll be covered head-to-toe,
            Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!

The Kid Chorus and the Romans stare blankly at the erupting volcano as Loud sneaks away,
just before everyone else is covered in a giant wave in red-hot lava.

Announcer: To reach Pompeii, follow the cloud of smoke to the river of lava, and you're there!
           Offer expires in 79 A.D., as does the town of Pompeii itself.

Sketch 8 - The Roman Empire

        BFB: [babbles at length]
Father Time: That's right, Big Fat Baby!  The Roman Empire began in 27 B.C. when Julius 
             Caesar's great-nephew Octavian was named Emperor.

World's Oldest pulls down a map of the region.

WOW: For over 400 years, the empire flourished, giving the world such contributions as
BFB: [speaking to a group of senators] Goo feh deddy-do!
WOW: Laws and the legal process.
BFB: [banging a gavel at Lydia and Chit] Guilby, guilby, guilby!!
WOW: Architectural achievements like roads, bridges, and aqueducts.
BFB: [floats down an aqueduct, cooing "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat"]
WOW: And the preservation of Greek culture.
BFB: [standing on a Greek statue] Da pa-pee boo!
WOW: But barbarians began attacking Rome and its provinces.

Big Fat Baby screams as screaming soldiers run by, knocking down his statue.

  Miss Info: Then, in 476 A.D., the last Roman emperor was defeated by a German general.
             Sadly, the Roman Empire was no more!
Father Time: And now, Histeria! presents a dramatic reenactment of the fall of the Roman

Big Fat Baby clears his throat, as if ready to speak, when suddenly he is crushed by
a falling pillar.

Father Time: This has been a dramatic reenactment of the fall of the Roman Empire.  Thank

Stars float around Big Fat Baby's head.

Outro - Loud Kiddington & Fetch jingle

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