On Tuesday, October 16, I was fortunate enough to attend the premiere of “Jane White is Sick and Twisted,” featuring the ever wonderful Colin Mochrie and in a smaller role, the lovely Brad Sherwood (other not so common WL players included Debra Wilson and Phil La Mar). So here’s a firsthand, personal account of the premiere itself, as well as a review of the movie:

I drove past the Silent Movie Theatre and read the marquee: “JANE WHITE PREMIERE.” My heart skipped a beat at that point. I couldn’t believe I was actually there! I stood in line (which was shockingly short) and talked to a few people, one of them being David Michael Latt, the director. He seemed like a very nice, funny man. We talked a bit about Colin, who had RSVPed that he was attending. I asked about Brad. Apparently, Brad was the only person who didn’t RSVP at all, so he didn’t know if he would be there or not. Since it was likely that Colin would be there and possible that Brad would be too, I kept an eye out the whole time. I went inside, walked through the tiny theatre and went outside. They were serving food & drinks, and if you walked around there were little baskets with silent auction items. I was too excited to eat, so I went and got a seat in the theatre around the fifth row. Debra Wilson was sitting in the row behind me. I didn’t talk to her, but from observing the way she talked to others, she seemed like a very nice person. She kept saying how blessed she was. I also noticed she was left handed, for those who are interested in random tidbits. As I was waiting for the film to start, I looked through my goodie bag. Yes, they gave all of the audience members little “goodie bags” with coloured tissue paper as we entered the theatre! In each of them was a program, a Sick & Twisted coffee mug (which I now use every day!), and two promo postcards of random cast members. Each person got a different set of cards. One of mine just happened to be Colin. Coincidence? I think...so.

Before the movie started, the director got up and said a few words about the film. By this point, my neck was feeling sore from turning around so much looking for Colin. There were a lot of tall bald men at the show, but I was unfailingly lead to disappointment with every one of them. Eventually I gave up and just relaxed to watch the movie. The very first shot of the film said, “The following scenes may be unsuitable for children.” Then the actual movie started. Let me just say that the title says it all. It couldn’t be more well suited. The story is about a girl named Jane White (surprise), who spends her entire life watching TV, specifically, the Gerry Show (a takeoff on Jerry Springer). She is convinced that Gerry is her father, and is doing everything within her power to get enough money for a trip to the studio to see him. Her mother, equally sick and twisted, never leaves the house, and says that Jane will never leave the house either because she isn’t smart enough. However, Jane is willing to do anything to get where she wants.

That’s the basic overview for those who don’t want the whole movie to be spoiled. If you want a detailed (and I mean *very* detailed) synopsis of the film, keep reading!

The movie starts out with Jane watching TV and dreaming about her own show, “The Jane White Show,” accompanied with a theme song. Each different shot of Jane’s show is a parody of some other show on television. In fact, the entire movie was a parody of every show on television. I don’t think there is a single popular show that was not made fun of (although I didn’t catch any Whose Line references, I do believe I found one to the Drew Carey Show). Next, it shows Jane watching the Gerry Show with tears of love in her eyes. The announcer says something like, “Here’s what we’re looking for in next week’s episode of the Gerry Show!” Jane closes her eyes and prays, “Please let it be easy! Please let it be easy!” The message on the screen says that they are looking for “closet transvestite prostitutes.” So Jane dresses up as a closet transvestite prostitute so that she will qualify for the show (did I not say the title was accurate?). She finds a street with other transvestite prostitutes and tries to blend in with them. She gets yelled at by Chi Chi, played by Debra Wilson, who was in charge of them. She sends Jane to a bench to wait for someone to take her to the cheap motel nearby. Then, the caption on the screen reads, “Something wicked this way comes...” Anyone want to take a guess as to what that “something wicked” might be? It’s Barney, an equally sick and twisted man, played by Colin. He takes her (thinking she’s a “him”) to a room, strips down to bright yellow printed boxers, gets on his hands and knees on the bed, and tells Jane to spank him and call him buttercup. She does as he asks, timidly and uncertainly. Eventually, he finds out that she is actually a woman, and is very upset (Even though he constantly reiterates, “I’m NOT gay,” despite his requests for her to “shove that cucumber up my ass”). The realization that Jane is not actually the transvestite prostitute she claims to be starts Barney thinking. He realizes that he needs to go home and stop hurting his wife. A very upset Jane says she will drive him home. She tells him about her quest to be on the Gerry Show to see her daddy (which Barney interprets to mean her pimp). She is upset because she doesn’t have enough money for the bus ride, and he asks how much she needs. She replies hopelessly and dejectedly, “Three dollars and forty two cents.” After a pause, Barney looks at her and says, “Well, good luck.” He changes his mind and ends up giving her a five dollar bill (not before asking for change). Jane goes home, and we meet her crazy mother. Jane gets all of her money together and goes to the bus stop, where she meets Dick. He steals her money and runs away, but the two have already fallen in love at first site. Jane thinks that he is an escaped serial killer with whom she has been corresponding through letters. She runs into Dick again later and they run away to the desert together so that they will get abducted by aliens and get supernatural sex powers (another one of the requirements for the Gerry Show contestants). They have a fight because Jane finds out that he is actually not a serial killer and she runs home. To make Jane happy, Dick says he will become a serial killer for her, which he does. One day, as Jane is watching TV, she sees that Gerry was murdered by one of his midget contestants. She is very upset and goes back to the cheap motel where she met Barney. She tries to hang herself in there by tying one end of a bed sheet around her neck and the other around the ceiling fan. Instead, the fan breaks off and makes a big hole in the ceiling. Through that hole, the heads of the two people in the floor above her peer down. One of them is one of the transvestite prostitutes that she met before. The other is Barney, who looked something like this. This time, Barney takes Jane home. Some more scenes without Colin take place, Jane finally finds her serial killer and finds that he's not so wonderful, and Jane and Dick lived happily ever after.

Now for my opinion: Quite honestly, it had some very funny moments. The review that I wrote does not do it justice. True, the plot is pretty thin...and sick...and twisted. But it was filled with television references, some of which I didn’t get since I don’t watch much TV, but some were very clever. I found myself laughing throughout much of the movie, but don’t see it if you’re looking for an intellectual film with a deep, pensive plot that will make you think and view life differently. Also, if you do see it, don’t leave before the credits are over. They’re very funny! First, they rolled by so fast that they were all just nothing but a blur, just to make fun of how quickly credits roll by in movies. Then they started throwing in random characters from “Seinfeld” for some of the jobs. Most people didn’t catch that since they were rolling bloopers & cut lines at the same time. My favourite was Colin’s blooper where he was in the car and accidentally locked himself in. So on the whole, I have to admit I enjoyed parts of the movie, since I love randomness, quirkiness, and funny references, but I don’t know if I’d want to see it over and over again.

That’s the end of my review. But there are some things that I know I would be wondering if I were reading this report, so let me try and anticipate the questions:

“Hey, Elyse! Is it worth watching this movie just to see Brad?”
No. He played a homeless man in 2 scenes only, and pretty much all he did was constantly ask for a hand job. They made him look about 30 pounds heavier than he actually is. I almost didn’t recognize him. His face looked really chunky. I didn’t expect that.

“Hey, Elyse! Is it worth watching this movie just to see Colin?”
Well, you read about his scenes. Think you can handle them?

“Hey, Elyse! Did you ever find Colin or Brad at the premiere?”
Sadly, no. Neither one of them ever showed up. But I still had a great time!

Visit the official site for "Jane White is Sick and Twisted!"

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