These are some of my favorite quotes from the course of the show. The ones in bold and with an asteris (*) are my favorites of the favorites! :-) Enjoy!
(of Monica's date)
*Joey "Come on! You're going out with the guy! There's gotta
be something wrong with him!"
(Episode 101- "The One Where Monica Gets A New Roommate")
(of Ross' nearly empty arpartment)
Joey "Ross, let me ask you a question. [Carol] got all the
furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?"
Ross "You guys."
Chandler "Oh man."
Joey "You got screwed"
(Episode 101- "The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate")
(of having to go to work)
Chandler "If I don't induce those numbers.... it doesn't make
much of a difference."
(Episode 101- "The One Where Monica Gets A New Roommate")
(of "date talk")
Pheobe "Or, or y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people means
"Ha, ha, I already am!" ' "
(Episode 103- "The One With the Thumb")
(of implied sayings)
Chandler "It's like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to
sleep and tell you it off to live on a farm somewhere."
Ross "That's funny because our dog really did go to a farm."
Monica "Um, Ross..."
"What? Wha-hello? The Millner's farm in Conneticut? They had
this unbelievable farm, they had horses and, and rabbits he
could chase and it was- it w.... Oh my god, Chi Chi!!"
(Episode 103- "The One With the Thumb")
(of which sex can do cooler things)
Rachel "Come on! You guys can pee standing up!"
Chandler "We can? I'm trying that!"
(Episode 106- "The One With the Butt")
Ross "Here's my retainer!" (found behind the dresser at his late
grandmother's house)
(Episode 108-"The Where Nana Dies Twice")
(of Joey wearing make-up for a modeling job)
*Chandler "That is so funny because I was thinking you look more like
Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman."
(Episode 109- "The One Where Underdog Gets Away")
(at a New Year’s Eve party at Monica and Rachel’s)
Ross “Come on, Marcel, waddya say we do some mingling?” (Marcel
runs off) “All right, I’ll uh... catch up with you later.”
(Episode 110- "The One With the Monkey")
(for an ex-boyfriend ritual)
Phoebe “Now we need the semen of a righteous man.”
Rachel “OK, Phoebes? If we had that, we wouldn’t be doing the ritual in
the first place.”
(Episode 114- "The One With the Candy Hearts")
(Of Ross rushing Marcel to the hospital when the vet was too
far away)
Chandler “Hey, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.”
(Episode 117- "The One With Two Parts Part Two")
(of possibly getting a new job)
*Rachel “Guess what, guess what, guess what, guess what?”
*Chandler “Um, OK, the fifth dentist caved and now they’re all
recommending Trident?”
(Episode 118- "The One With All the Poker")
(when she needs more money to bet at their poker game)
Rachel "See your twenty five.....and....uh, Monica, get my purse."
Monica (Gets her purse and looks inside) “There’s nothing in it.”
"Okay, then get me your purse"
(Episode 118- "The One With All the Poker")
(in a dark basement)
*Phoebe “Oh my god! Something just brushed against my right leg!”
Monica “What is it?”
* “Oh, it’s okay. It was just my left leg.”
(Episode 119- "The One Where the Monkey Gets Away")
(of Monica making a sound like the phone ringing while he is
anxiously waiting for a girl to call)
Chandler “Hell is filled with people like you.”
(Episode 120- "The One With the Evil Orthodontist")
(of Carol yanking at his shirt while she’s giving birth)
*Chandler “Somebody want to help me here, tryin’ to rip out my heart.”
(they pull Carol off his shirt) “Ugh, that’s great.” (looking
around) Anyone seen a nipple?”
(Episode 123- "The One With the Birth")
(of Rachel going on a date)
Joey (to Ross) “Oh no! How can she do that when she’s never shown any
interest in you?!?”
(Episode 124- "The One Where Rachel Finds Out")
(About having sex with Melanie)
Joey “The hard part is, she really wants to have sex with me.”
Chandler “Crazy bitch.”
(Episode 124- “The One where Rachel Finds Out”)
(About Joey’s gift of a Dr. Suess book)
*Melanie “There’s a little child inside this man.”
*Chandler “Yes, the doctors say he’ll die if they remove it.”
(Episode 124- “The One Where Rachel Finds Out”)
(sitting in a chair surrounded by fruit baskets from Melanie)
Chandler “Hey, do we have any fruit?”
(Episode 124- “The One where Rachel Finds Out”)
(of his and Julie’s return from China)
Ross “We’ve got to get some sleep. It’s really six o’clock tomorrow,
our time.”
Chandler “OK, but don’t tell us what’s going to happen because I like to
be surprised.”
(Episode 201- “The One with Ross’ New Girlfriend”)
Ross “I never would have gone for it with Julie if it hadn’t been for
a little voice in my head saying ‘Get over Rachel.’ And do you
know who that voice was?”
Chandler “God?”
Ross “It was you.”
* “Well maybe it was God doing me.”
(Episode 201- “The One with Ross’ New Girlfriend”)
(questioning Carol about breast feeding Ben)
*Joey “OK, I got one. If he blows into one, will the other get bigger?”
(Episode 202- “The One with the Breast Milk)
(of Chandler’s discovery he is just like Mr. Heckles)
Rachel “Monica broke my seashell lamp!”
Chandler “Neat. I’m going to die alone.”
“OK, you win.”
(Episode 203- “The One Where Heckles Dies")
(After Ross says Ben is being Mr. Crankypants)
Chandler “You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl,
kinda moody.”
(Episode 206- “The One with the Baby on the Bus”)
(After Monica throws a basketball out the window when Joey and
Chandler were teasing her with it)
Chandler “Well, we were going to play basketball, but I guess that’s out
the window.”
(Episode 206- “The one With the Baby on the Bus”)
(of Chandler’s exercise)
Monica “Come on, five more push-ups.”
Chandler “I can’t do it.”
“Five more and I’ll flash you.”
“One....two....two and a half....All right just show me one of
them.”
(Episode 207- “Ross Finds Out”)
(of a guy Phoebe is dating who won’t have sex with her)
Joey “Maybe he drives on the other side of the street, if you know
what I mean.”
Phoebe “He’s not British.”
(Episode 207- “The One where Ross Finds Out”)
(of Monica trying to get Chandler out jogging after one
consecutive week of exercise and Chandler is obviously in pain.)
Chandler “Joey, be a pal and lift up my hand and smack her with it.”
(Episode 207- “The One Where Ross Finds Out”)
(of Phoebe finally having sex with a guy who had been delaying it)
Joey “Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him,
he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got
you thinking this was a great idea.”
Phoebe “Um-hum.”
* “This man is my God.”
(Episode 207- “The One Where Ross Finds Out”)
(After Ross breaks up with Julie to be with Rachel)
*Ross “It’s always been you, Rach.”
(Episode 208- “The One with the List”)
(of her grandmother not telling her who her real father is)
Phoebe “OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that’s ‘cause someone’s pants are on
fire.”
(Episode 209- “The One with Phoebe’s Father”)
(when the gang is decorating Monica’s and Rachel’s Christmas
Tree)
Chandler “You know, I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit,
the big black boots, the patent leather belt, sneakin’ around
downstairs because he didn’t want anybody to see him; but he’d
be drunk, so he’d stumble, crash into something, and wake
everyone up.”
Rachel "Well, that doesn’t sound like a very merry Christmas."
* “Who said anything about Christmas?”
(Episode 209- “The One with Phoebe’s Father”)
Ross (of Russ) "Did you guys notice it takes him like, uh, what....
a week, to....hello? get a sentence out?"
(Episode 210- "The One with Russ")
(of Ross being sour over Carol’s and Susan’s wedding)
Chandler (singing to the tune of “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”) (to Ross)
“Who’s the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest
man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.”
(Episode 211- “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”)
(when Mrs. Green tells Rachel all sorts of things kids don’t want
to know in front of Monica)
Monica “I’m dicing, I’m dicing. I don’t hear anything.”
(Episode 211- “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”)
(When Phoebe complains about her job in preparing the food for
the wedding)
*Monica “Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see
me cry?”
Phoebe “Sir! No, sir!”
(Episode 211- “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”)
(of being surrounded by attractive women who want nothing to
do with you)
*Chandler “The world is my lesbian wedding.”
(Episode 211- “The One with the Lesbian Wedding”)
(of her inappropriate songs for children)
Phoebe “Do you want me to like some big, purple dinosaur?”
Chris “I’m not asking you to be Barney.”
“Who’s Barney?”
(Episode 212- “The One After the Superbowl”)
(of the information he has on Marcel’s whereabouts)
Janitor “So what’s this information worth to you, my friend?”
Ross “Are you trying to get me to bribe you?”
“Maybe.”
“But you already told me everything”
(Episode 212-“The One After the Superbowl Part 1”)
(to tell Chandler there’s a pretty woman staring at him)
Phoebe “OK, ohh, OK, you gotta give me one second, I wanna get this just
right.” (she sticks out her gut, sniffs her nose, and in her
best male voice....) “Dude, 11 o’clock, hot babe checkin’
you out.” (regular voice) That was really good. I’m ready for
my penis now.”
(Episode 213- “The One After the Superbowl Part Two”)
Chandler “You got a Cheeto on your face, man.” (Joey removes it and eats
it)
(Episode 214- “The One with the Prom Video”)
(of switching “mid-life crisis items” [his Porshe and Richard’s
new girlfriend {who is Monica, but he doesn’t know that}])
Mr. Geller(to Richard) “Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends
you could borrow the car and I cou....”
*Ross “Dad! I beg you not to finish that sentence!”
(Episode 215- “The One Where Joey Moves Out”)
(of Rachel “stealing Monica’s wind” in high school)
Monica “The bottle was clearly pointing to me!”
Rachel “Only because you took up half the circle!”
(Episode 219- “The One Where Eddie Won’t Go”)
(when Chandler and Joey come in Central Perk after a day with
Richard)
Monica “Where is he, where’s Richard? Did you ditch him?”
Joey “Yeah, right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a
wedgie.”
(Episode 220- “The One Where Old Yeller Dies”)
(of Chandler’s search for a roommate)
Chandler “And this actor guy I’m not sure about, because when I
answered the phone ‘Chandler Bing,’ he said, ‘”Whoa,
short message.’””
(Episode 306- “The One with the Flashback”)
(of Carol leaving him)
Ross “Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I’d been more nurturing,
or I’d paid more attention .... or I.... had a uterus.”
(Episode 306- “The One with the Flashback”)
Chandler (thinking to himself while Ross talks about the museum) “If I was
a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that’d be
the best.”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Racecar Bed”)
Gunther (thinking to himself during Ross’ conversation) “What does Rachel
see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Racecar Bed”)
(Joey is singing in his head during Ross’ conversation)
Phoebe (thinking during that conversation) “Who’s singing?”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Racecar Bed”)
Ross (of dining with Dr. Green)
“Tomorrow’s not so good, I’m supposed to jump off the Empire
State Building and land on a bicycle with no seat.”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Race Car Bed”)
(When he sees Monica’s racecar bed)
Chandler “Whoa! Somebody missed the off ramp!”
Phoebe “It’s Monica’s bed. What?”
“OK, it’s a racecar.”
“So. This has always been Monica’s bed. What? You're just now
notcing? How self-involved are you?"
“OK, well, if this bed isn’t new, then how come there’s plastic
on the mattress?”
Monica (close to tears) “Sometimes I have bad dreams.”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Racecar Bed”)
(Alone in Monica’s room, playing with her bed)
Chandler “Varrrrroooom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrooom! (makes screeching
noise as he pretends to slam on the brakes) Hey-hey
good-lookin’! (honks the bed’s little horn on the steering
wheel) Varrrroooom! (notices Rachel watching him) All right,
I’ll leave. My bed’s so boring.”
(Episode 307- “The One with the Racecar Bed”)
(of almost scoring a touchdown)
Rachel “I almost caught that one!”
*Chandler "Great, now the score is seven to almost seven."
(Episode 309- "The One with the Football")
(after he accidentally broke a little girl’s leg)
Girl (different) ”You’re a big scrud!”
Ross “What’s a scurd?”
“Why don’t you just look in the mirror, scrud!”
“I don’t have to. I can just look at you.”
(Episode 310- “The One Where Rachel Quits”)
Clerk “The cut-off is eight o’clock and, awww, it’s 8:02.”
Monica “You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.”
(Episode 313- “The One Where Monica and Richard are Friends”)
Monica “Oh really, like your friend Spackle Back Larry?”
Phoebe “Hey! Don’t call him that! His name is Spackle Back Harry.”
(Episode 315- “The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break”)
Chandler “What are you doing here? *I thought tonight was your big
anniversary dinner?"
*Ross “Yeah, little change in plans. We’re, ahhh, gonna break up
instead.”
(“Episode 315- “The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break”)
(When Monica asks her for a tissue and Phoebe is mad at her for
spoiling her date)
Phoebe “Oh, sure. I just hope you don’t accidentally suck it up through
your nose and choke on it.”
(Episode 315- “The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break”)
(to Rachel the day after the break-up)
Monica “So, how was your big anniversary dinner?”
Rachel “Well, ahh, we never actually got to the dinner.”
“Ohh, nice.”
“No, we kinda broke up instead.”
“What!?”
(Episode 316- “The One With the Morning After”)
(when, during their “official break-up fight,” Rachel asks Ross
how he would have felt if she had slept with Mark.)
*Ross “Okay, okay, I would have been devastated, but I would still want
to be with you. Because, it’s, I mean, it’s you.”
(Episode 316- “The One with the Morning After”)
(About Ross and Rachel’s current situation)
*Phoebe “They’re gonna make it through this aren’t they?”
*Chandler “Yeah, come on, it’s Ross and Rachel, they’ve got to.”
*Monica ”What if they don’t?”
(Episode 316- “The One with the Morning After”)
(Their actual break-up)
Ross “Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay,
I can’t imagine my life without you. (Both begin to cry)
Without, without these arms, and your face, and your heart,
your good heart, Rach. (Drops to his knees and hugs her around
her waist) and, and....”
Rachel (crying) No. I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me
now. I used to think of you as someone would never, ever hurt
me, ever. God, and now, I just can’t stop picturing you with
her, I can’t, it doesn’t matter what you say or what you do,
Ross. It’s just changed everything. Forever.”
“Come on, I mean, this can’t be it.”
“Then how come it is?”
(Episode 316- “The One with the Morning After)
Joey “Can I see the comics?”
Chandler “This is the New York Times.”
“Okay, may I see the comics?”
(Episode 317- “The One with the Ski Trip”)
(Of being caught smoking)
Chandler “Well, actually yesterday I started smoking again. Today, I'm,
I'm still smoking."
(Episode 317- “The One with the Ski Trip”)
(Of the message Joey spelled on the ground when they’re stranded)
Monica “What’s ‘pleh’?”
Joey “That’s ‘help’ spelled backwards so the helicopters can read it
in the air!”
(Episode 317- “The One with the Ski Trip”)
Ross “Here you go.” (Hands Rachel an espresso)
Rachel “Actually, I wanted this without cinnamon.”
“Sorry.” (Sticks his hand it and scoops out the cinnamon
and hands it back to her.)
(Episode 318- “The One with the Hypnosis Tape”)
Cues (Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom.
He just got out of the shower and has the towel high up on his
chest and another towel wrapped around his head, like a woman
wears them. Joey watches Chandler wondering what the heck he’s
doing.)
(Episode 318- “The One with the Hypnosis Tape”)
Hyp.Tape “Cigarettes do not control you. You are a strong,
confident women who does not need to smoke.”
Joey (voice recorded) “Joey is your best friend. You want to make him
a cheese sandwich everyday. (He laughs) “And you also want to
buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.”
(Chandler wakes up and stares at tape)
(Episode 318- “The One with the Hypnosis Tape”)
(of Ross’ obsession with Rachel’s date with Mark)
Chandler “Ross! You gotta stop! Okay? You can’t just stare through my
peephole for three hours! You’re gonna get peep eye!”
(Episode 319- “ The One with the Tiny T-shirt”)
(Of Monica’s new dollhouse)
Phoebe “Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was a kid, I had
a barrel.”
(Episode 320- “The One with the Dollhouse”)
(Of Dr. Ramoray’s death)
Lauren "And then they just went and dropped you down that elevator
shaft."
Joey “Yeah, they gave me the shaft all right.”
(Episode 320- “The One with the Dollhouse”)
(Of Chandler not returning a call to Joanna)
*Monica “Come on, Rach, when a guy says he going to call, it doesn’t mean
he’s going to call. Hasn’t it ever happened to you?”
*Rachel “They always called.”
* “Hmm, bite me.”
(Episode 320- “The One with the Dollhouse”)
Chandler (to Ross and Rachel) “Oh good! Good! Do you guys know how to get
a chick out of a VCR?!”
(Episode 321- “The One with a Chick and a Duck”)
Monica (to Pete to see if she “felt something”)
“All right shut up for a second and let me see something.”
(Episode 321- “The One with the Chick and a Duck”)
(Of Ross’ dislike to Tommy, Rachel’s date)
*Chandler “Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don’t like the guy Rachel is
dating? Well, that’s odd.”
(Episode 322- “The One with the Screamer”)
(when Ross first felt his “thing”)
Ross “When I was in the shower and, as I was cleansing myself, I
felt something."
Chandler “Was it like a sneeze only better?”
(Episode 323- “The One With Ross’ Thing”)
(About the marriage proposal they are expecting from Pete to
Monica)
Phoebe “No-no-no oh. Keep your own name, don’t take his.”
Monica “Pete didn’t ask me to marry him.”
* “Well, then definitely don’t take his name.”
(“Episode 324- “The One With the Ultimate Fighting Champion”)
(of Monica and Pete having sex)
Hoshi (trainer) “No! No boom-boom before big fight!”
*Monica “How ‘bout just a boom?”
(Episode 324- “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion”)
(Of Rachel’s jealousy over Ross and Bonnie)
Phoebe “Aren’t you the one that decided that you didn’t want to be with
Ross?”
Rachel (quietly) “Yes.”
“Well, isn’t he your friend? Don’t you want him to be happy?”
“Yes.”
“So?”
* “I just y’know, I didn’t expect him to be this happy so soon.”
(Episode 324- “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion”)
(of Pete’s opponent “going for his favorite place”)
Ross (to Monica) “Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends,
Richard didn’t want to have kids, and, from the looks of it, now
Pete can’t.”
(Episode 324- “The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion”)
(of Bonnie’s conversation)
Rachel “Is that girl capable of talking about anything else but sex?”
Joey “Yeah, sure. Well, y’know, earlier she was talking about
geography.”
Monica “Joey, she was listing the countries she’s done it in.”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
(Trying to sell a house)
Phoebe Sr.“Well, it’s an unusual house. It has three beautiful
bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y’know the ocean is right
there.”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
(Wanting to paint Ross’ toenails)
Rachel “You let me do it once before.”
Ross “Well, if that’s the rule this weekend.”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
Rachel “I’m going to make more margaritas.” (pours rest of pitcher
into Ross’ glass)
Ross “Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Trying to get me drunk?”
“I’m just making margaritas.”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
(of Rachel’s behavior)
Monica “What’s going on here?”
Rachel “What?!”
“You wanting to paint his toenails...”
“Oh, come on!”
“Chasing him around the room?”
“Monica, please!”
“He’s totally flirting with you too!”
“He is, isn’t he?”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
(of Rachel urging Bonnie to shave her head)
Ross “I was having a little chat with Bonnie and she happened
to bring up who was behind the whole head shaving thing. Now
who was that? Oh, that’s right, it was you!”
Rachel “That was her idea. I just gave her a nudge.”
“She said you gave her the razor!”
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
(In a fight on why she led Bonnie into shaving her head again)
Rachel “All right, Ross! Do you think it’s easy for me to see you with
somebody else?”
*Ross “Y’know, hey! You’re the one who ended it, remember?”
* “Yeah, but because I was mad at you! Not because I stopped
loving you!”
* “You still love me?”
* “Noo.”
* “You still love me.”
* “Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!”
* “Nooo, nnnn---
(Episode 325- “The One at the Beach”)
Seasons 4 & 5 Quotes
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