Part 1
What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I want to tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lot of love
It takes a lot of love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my
July 20, 2001
It’s strange how much things can change. How one day life seems so complicated, but at the same time you have everything you want in the world, and how although things are complicated, you wouldn’t change a thing about your life…then suddenly, out of nowhere…it’s all gone. And how one minute, everything seems so horrible, you can’t imagine how everything could possibly get any worse…until it does.
A few months ago I was convinced that I had hit rock bottom, that my life had completely fallen apart...that things had spun totally out of my control, and I hate feeling that powerless over my own destiny. The thing is, that day I had no idea how much worse things would get.
Now, in retrospective, I realize how naďve I was, how stupid…because today, I know without a doubt that my life couldn’t get any worse.
I’ve lost everything now. There’s nothing left for me to live for. I’m just going through the motions of my life. I’m numb, just a shell of the person I used to be, and the irony of it all is that I know I have the capability to repair my life, just by opening myself up to him…by giving him another chance. All I have to do is say the words…but every time the opportunity presents itself, I shut down. I can’t do it, as much as I know that I need to.
I’m just stuck…
Liz Parker sat still in the night allowing the silence that filled a small town late at night overwhelm her. Normally the silence was calming, relaxing to Liz, but tonight as a cool breeze swept across her balcony, and down the alleyway beneath her to the street below, Liz shivered and felt a deep sense of fear within her.
Fear, because Liz knew every word she wrote was true. She knew that she needed to talk to Max…to try to fix all of the problems between them. Her heart knew it was true. Maybe it wouldn't fix things between them, but at least it would be a step in the right direction…at least they'd be communicating with each other.
Right now, things were so messed up though. Every time Max came anywhere near her, her emotions played with her normally logical mind, and instead of trying to break down the huge wall that had built up between them, she seemed to be building it higher stronger. Every time she saw Max, instead of telling him how much he hurt her, she got angry, and ended up being either stiff and cold to him, or outright screaming at him.
Shame filled Liz's heart at the way she had been treating Max…just a week earlier. He had come to the Crashdown during her shift…and her reaction had been, well, completely unbelievable. Without a doubt she was acting out of character. She saw him come in and sit down in her section, nothing new in their strange, but simple world…but on sight, Liz found herself infuriated with him.
Unable to contain herself, Liz stalked over to him and just started screaming the most horrible things to him, about how everything they had experienced together had all been a lie, and how he had never really loved her…both things that Liz knew with every fiber of her being weren't true. Sometimes, though, it was hard to remember it…sometimes when she saw him, all she could think about was how she wasn't enough for him…how easy it had been for him to move on.
She hadn't seen him since that day…his infamous determination had eventually weakened. There was no fight left in Max, so for the most part, he stayed away, giving Liz the space from him that she had convinced him that she needed…cutting off all possibilities of a resolution between them.
To sum it all up…the more time that had passed since Tess left, the more estranged Max and Liz grew. And as much as Liz tried desperately to place all the blame on Max, she knew that in reality, the blame was mutual.
Liz was the one who had pushed Max away…she was the one stupid enough to believe Future Max's decree that Tess was imperative to the alien's survival. She practically handed Max to Tess on a silver platter…and she stupidly never even considered that it could all be a lie. And although at the time she did want him to go to Tess…she never suspected that he would go so far as to sleep with her.
It was a silly wish on her part…one that she had fooled herself into believing whole heartedly… She had clung to the hope that although Max would go to Tess…that a part of him would still remain faithful to her. And although Max had made it clear to her in the passing weeks that she still held the key to his heart…Liz still felt like a part of him was lost to her forever.
It had been two months, but the pain in her heart was still as raw as the day that Max had first told her. The memories went rushing through her mind…the cool night breeze whisking through her hair as he pulled the jeep off the road. Max's struggle to find the words to tell her…understanding mixed with disgust slipping into her eyes…the sick feeling deep in her stomach came rushing back. And as in her mind's eye she saw the shame and regret open in Max's gaze…all her anger came rushing back.
Sighing, Liz folded her journal shut, gently pressing the pages together so not to wrinkle them, before standing and moving around the edge of her balcony, carefully blowing each candle out. Stepping through the window, Liz closed it behind her to block out the breeze…and the intense silence.
Already in her pajamas, Liz crawled under her blankets, shutting off the light, and cuddling up into a tight ball.
As the blackness of the night swept over her, for the first time Liz noticed how damp her cheep was, how puffy her eyes had grown.
It wasn't even just with Max anymore…now Liz had begun going through the motions, numbly, even when she was completely alone. She hadn't even noticed when she had started crying.
Knowing that she had to change something, anything about her life, Liz decided to start right there…by trying to let herself feel again. Embracing her emotions, Liz abandoned herself to the tears. They consumed her, as she lay there in the dark, clutching her blanket tightly around her body, sobbing loudly, without any restraint.
