*18*

When you killer talks to you, the whole process begins again. Denial, Fear, Regret, Acceptance.

He says, "I'll kill her."

Denial, fear, regret, acceptance.

Just do it already.

No, don't.

Denial, fear, regret, acceptance.

My eyes are still closed. This causes for much confusion when I hear another gun cock and someone say "Put down the gun."

Now wouldn't it be funny if Max came to rescue me. Perfect ending don't you think?

In my head, Max is blowing Ed Harding away and taking me home. He puts me on my bed and heals my cheek. He's running his fingers through my hair, over my arms, he's waiting for me to fall asleep. In my head, Max is sweet like this.

The voice is louder, it says, "Put down the goddamn gun."

The voice belongs to Kyle.

My eyes fly open and I see Ed Harding having some internal struggle. Kyle is holding a shotgun to his chest. Ed Harding is about to piss his pants.

I'm thinking: GO KYLE!!!!

A shotgun, Kyle looks like he's ready to go duck hunting.

Next to the shotgun, Barney looks like child's play.

Ed Harding drops the gun to the ground and I pick it up. Kyle instructs me on how to get the bullets out, and they go spraying to the floor, I pick them up and put them in my pocket.

I walk, no, I run behind Kyle. He whispers to me, "My dad is going to be here soon."

He says, "We can stay and get bombarded with paperwork and questions, or we can go."

"What if he runs?" I ask.

He says, "They'll catch him."

So we go. Kyle tells Ed Harding that if he tries to leave, he'll shoot off his balls. We get into our cars and drive off, slowly. Halfway down the street I look behind me, bright lights and black and white cars are pulling up in front of Tess's house.

I'm thinking: I almost died.

I almost died.

I almost died.

Over and over again.

This is over. God, this is finally over.

We park across the street from the Crashdown, Max's car is here. Me and Kyle approach each other hesitantly. You have to remember that Kyle has this thing about aliens, just the thought freaks him out.

He says, "I didn't tell anybody."

"How come?"

"Umm," He shrugs, "I don't know. I guess...I guess nobody needs to know."

Then I throw myself at him, I hug him, I'm saying "Thank you thank you thank you."

I say, "I almost died."

I'm thinking: I almost died.

He smiles, "You welcome." Then he hesitates and looks at me funny, opening his mouth like he has something to say. He says, "So why didn't you just like, blast him or something?"

"Aliens don't work well under pressure."

"Well how about a demonstration?"

"Later, Kyle."

Much, much later. I'm going to need to learn some pretty cool looking magic tricks.

We climb up onto my balcony and through the window we can see Max and Tess. She's still crying, he's got his arm around her.

It's not really that surprising you know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, especially for Kyle.

And I know I shouldn't be sad. I'm alive. But still, there's this melancholy, I've made a few decisions. It's going to be hard to let go, It's going to take time, but I can do it.

I can do it, 'cause I'm alive.

Max and Tess don't see us. Me and Kyle sit on my balcony against the brick wall. It's so dark out and starting to cool down.

"Who do you think would win in a fight," Kyle says, "Me or Max."

I look at Kyle sympathetically, "Probably Max."

Disbelief passes over Kyle's face, "Really? That sucks, I bet I could take him."

I smile, "I keep thinking of you with that shotgun, you were like, Commando: deer hunter style."

"Yea I was pretty bad ass wasn't I."

"Yea."

"Well," He slaps his hands against the floor, "I'd love to stay and watch that asshole mooch on my girlfriend but I think I'm gonna take off, make sure my dad got him, they're probable going to need to question Tess and I."

He's hiding his pain.

"Okay," I say, "Thanks again Kyle."

He gets up, "No problem. One more thing, is there other aliens, isn't there supposed to be two more?"

"It's just me," I say, "I was the only one that survived the crash."

He nods, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, you can show me some tricks." His head disappears as he goes down the ladder.

Wonderful.

So I sit here on my balcony. It's weird, after you almost die. Kind of hard to think. Everything has that shiny newness to it, like the whole world has been reborn.

I get up and walk to the window, open it up. I'm not even looking at them. "Don't mind me," I say, "Just wanted to get something."

I walk to my desk and pull out a stack of papers.

This is my future.

I go back outside and sit down on my lawn chair. I stare at the papers.

Here's the thing: all my complaining about this town, and I could have left the entire time.

With a swipe of a pen, I graduate high school. In a couple days, I'll get a diploma in the mail. I'm hoping to be gone before that, I'll have my parents mail it to me, wherever I end up.

"Liz?"

I turn around and see that Max is coming outside, Tess is still sitting on the bed. He hesitates walking to me, he still looks pretty freaked out.

"What happened to your cheek?" He asks.

I say, "I got into a fight with a refrigerator and lost."

"Did something happen?"

"Nope."

He looks at the papers, "What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving Max, hasta la vista Roswell."

His eyes widen, "Leaving Roswell?"

"Yessum."

"You can't just leave, what about school, what about your parents?"

"They'll deal."

"What about Alex and Maria?"

I shrug, "They'll come when they graduate." He looks concerned, maybe it's hard for him to lose a best buddy, we have been through a lot. I say, "I've wanted to get out of here for so long Max, I need this, I need to start over."

I say, "Someone needs to take her down to the station, can you do it?"

He's grinding his jaw again, ever so slightly, thinking. He nods. He looks towards the ground.

"So," I say, "You and Tess huh?"

His head whips around towards the window, "Uhhh, I guess."

I say, "Good for you, Max."

And I mean this. He got what he wanted, good for him.

I walk towards the ladder and climb over onto the first rung, I say, "There's a party at Eddie's tomorrow, you guys should come."

He's looking at the floor, he says, "Yea, sure."

I wonder what his problem is.

Not my problem anymore.

I'm thinking, now get out of my room so I can take a shower.

I climb down the ladder and enter the Crashdown through the front door. It's basically empty. Except for the woman who sits in the corner and Michael and Isabel.

I walk into the back room and Maria throws an apron at me, avoiding me with her eyes. She says, "You're three hours late for your shift, and Tess didn't show up, so I figure you owe me."

I say, "My shift."

She opens her locker forcefully and pretends to rummage through it, probably so that she doesn't have to look at me, "Yea," she says, "Remember? Work? That thing we used to do together? The thing you get paid for? You were supposed to start at six."

I say, "Work."

I drop my apron. You can only put off crying for so long. I don't want to work right now. I want to take a goddamn shower.

Is this too much to ask?

I almost fucking died.

All I want is a shower.

Maria slams her locker shut, still not looking at me, "Of course it doesn't even matter right now because we only have three customers, and two don't particularly like you very much, and who knows what the barking lady thinks of you so..." She glances at me, "Are you crying?"

This is the question that just makes you snap. I'm sure you know what I mean. You're crying a little bit and someone asks you if you're crying and the waterworks start flowing.

I'm shaking my head in the negative and I'm bawling now. And it feels. so. good.

Before I know it Maria is right in front of me, pulling my head towards her shoulder, "Lizzy what's wrong?"

I try to speak but it just comes out as this horrible sob. I figure I might as well not even try. I just close my eyes and push the tears out. They've been wanting to get out for so long now. I push it all out and away. Everything, the tears, the pain, all the blood I've seen. All the things I've never done that I get to do 'cause I'm alive. All the things I should have done that I'll handle differently in the future, starting now.

I say, "I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, not understanding, "Is that why your crying?"

Then I laugh. I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

She's pulling back and looking at me like I've lost it.

Maybe I did lose it. I did, but then I found it.

So I sit her on the couch and I tell her. Not everything, but most of it. I tell her about Tess, how Tess was staying with me and why. I tell her how I didn't do anything. I tell her that when I did decide to do something I went to Tess's house and got a gun in my face.

And thank god, she understands. She's sorry too, she says. She missed me so much. She's glad I'm not dead, she should have talked to me sooner.

We go back and forth like this, crying and reaffirming our friendship. I need this, badly. I need a best friend that I'm not obsessed with.

I ask her about Michael and she says they have this love hate relationship. She says he makes fun of her all the time but she thinks he secretly likes her.

I smile and say, "You know, Michael's an alien."

She smiles back and says, "Yea Liz, I know."

She doesn't really know. She's heard this a thousand times and doesn't believe me, she's just humoring me.

I knew she wasn't going to believe me, that's why I told her.

Maria tucks me in bed, kissing me on the forehead.

It's so nice to have a best friend again.

"By the way," I say as she's about to close the door, "Your sister is a ho."

"You're just learning this? Hey, you going to that party tomorrow?"

I say, "Yea, I have a date with Eddie, we're gonna get really high and play spin the bottle."

She laughs because she knows I'm joking, "Night Liz."

"Night Maria."

Then I go to bed, and I sleep.

And sleep.

And sleep.

--------------------------------

"You didn't wear the red sweater."

Oh lord, he really thought he could tell me what to wear.

"It's a hundred degrees outside Eddie, anyway, I wore my special blue tank top just for you baby."

Hahaha.

The day after you almost die, you have a lot of fun. You joke with people a lot, every thing is just funny.

Eddie smirks, "I even got my haircut for you."

"Okay, a half an inch doesn't count as a haircut."

He shrugs, "Well, I could have snorted a line before I picked you up."

"Good, we wouldn't want your nose to rot out, now would we?"

Me and Eddie, we really hate each other, in that friendly sort of way.

We sit on his couch and watch the people file in and congregate by the keg.

I'm not thinking about Max.

I swear.

Not even when he comes in, alone.

Not even when he sits next to me.

He says, "Hey." He's smiling like a goofball.

"Where's Tess?"

He shrugs.

"What's your problem?" I ask.

"No problem."

"Okay.."

Eddie calls to me from across the room, "Liz, you want a beer."

It wasn't a question.

"No I don't."

Max lowers his eyebrows, "You're here with Eddie?"

"Not another word."

"So, he finally convinced you, huh?"

I smile, "Shut up Max."

"Gonna have his love child?"

"SAVE IT."

Max's smile fades and looks around the room nervously, "I need to talk to you."

Courtney walks into the room assaulting Max with her eyes. Figures. She dings a fork against an empty glass bottle of beer. "Who wants to play spin the bottle? How bout it Max?"

Max looks at me, "Shall we?"

"You go ahead, go slip Courtney some tongue, she'll like that."

"That's gross Liz."

"Yea, well."

I'm all happy and jokey like this on the outside. On the inside, I'm just trying to breathe. He didn't even ask me when I was leaving, he didn't even say goodbye or I'll miss your or anything.

He joins the rest of the group in the middle of the room. Alex and Maria are here, they wave at me and sit in the circle.

I wonder why he's even playing, Tess isn't here.

Eddie joins me on the couch, "We should play."

"No we shouldn't."

"Yea," he says, "Maybe we should just cut the crap and go make out in the back room."

"That's not exactly what I meant."

He shrugs, "I had to try."

"Yea, and you just keep trying and trying and trying."

Eddie says, "I really, seriously, don't even have like a .000001% chance, do I?"

"Ummm.." I shake my head sympathetically, "Probably not, I'm leaving in a couple days, plus you smell like weed."

He smiles, "Thanks!"

Ohhh boy.

So I sit here.

A group of my peers in a circle in front of me.

This is how it should be, you know. Everyone seems happy, and I'm happy for them.

So this is my last splash, my big goodbye.

I would like to be happy too.

Alex spins the bottle, it lands on Maria.

I am laughing, so hard right now.

Maria gives me a dirty look and glances at Alex uncomfortably.

"Make it good!" I scream from the couch.

They push their lips out as far as they can go and give each other a little peck.

"That sucked," I say, "I'm gonna need a do-over."

I'm really vocal tonight. I feel like I could do anything now that I'm leaving. I feel like starting a fight.

"Why don't you play Parker," says Courtney, "Afraid of your first kiss?"

I grab Eddie's bottle of beer, "Talk to me again and I throw this bottle at your head."

Whoa.

Don't know where that came from.

Max is laughing.

Eddie grabs the bottle, "Don't throw that, it's mine."

I lean back and take a deep breath. Michael spins the bottle, it lands on Maria.

They kiss.

I wonder if Maria will still want to leave after schools over.

Isabel spins the bottle, it lands on Alex.

What a surprise.

They kiss.

It's Max's turn and nobody knows why he's playing, including me. I don't know, maybe he's feeling invincible too, maybe he just wants to do something crazy.

This is really hard, you know. Trying to let go. This is pretty painful, but I don't want to think about that.

I should be happy, I'm alive.

Yeah.

So he spins it.

And everyone wants to know, who will Max kiss tonight?

And I'm not sure if I could care less, or if I need to know to survive.

Obsession is weird like that.

But you know all this, right?

You know it lands on me.

You know I say I'm not playing, twice.

You know that he looks at me, he looks me in the eye.

Right smack in the eye.

And my insides, they quiver, they shudder, they die. I didn't know it would be like this. I just sit here and breath, concentrate on breathing.

"Neither am I." Says Max.

He might be speaking metaphorically, not playing games anymore. I'm wondering what game we were playing. He's not supposed to like me, this is not how things are supposed to go.

He's supposed to be with Tess, that's who he wanted god damn it. This isn't supposed to happen.

I never thought this would happen, I never planned for this.

This isn't happening, this isn't real.

I look at Eddie, "Take me home."

Nobody really knows what's going on. I get up and walk outside, hoping Eddie is following.

I'm just trying to concentrate on walking to Eddie's car. Someone grabs my wrist and turns me around.

You know, sometimes everything stops spinning and everything points right at you.

And what the hell are you going to do about it.

Max says, "Lemme talk to you."

I say, "Talk."

"I don't want you to leave."

"Too bad."

"When are you leaving anyway?"

"Couple days."

He clenches his eyes, is that pain?

This can't be real. Max has lost it.

"Liz," he says, you can see his eyes getting all soft and mushy, "I have these....I feel....I've been think..."

"Spit it out."

He takes a deep breath, "I like you Liz...you know....in that..more than a friend kind of way."

Not happening.

"You like Tess."

He shakes his head, "See that's the funny thing...I don't...at all. I dropped her off at Kyle's house tonight, they made up."

"You've lost it."

The way he looks at you, you just can't breath. His voice, it's so breathy, so deep, you have to listen. "Liz, I've been stupid, more than stupid. I've been an asshole to you. Kyle told me what happened," He shakes his head, "I should have been there, you could have died."

My eyes are drying out. I can't even blink, they're going to fall right out of my head. "Max, you are under a lot of stress right now, you need to sit down and think about what you are saying."

He says, "Don't leave."

"Your insane."

"I'm pouring my heart out here, will you please give me a break."

"No."

He groans, he seems frustrated, "When are you coming back."

"I don't know. This is over, this is supposed to be over, this isn't about me."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

I shake my head.

He says, "This is about you, Liz, and this isn't over by a long shot."

I can't breath. I can't talk. What is happening here?

He says, "If you don't come back in a week, I will get in my car, and I will find you."

I try to say something but it comes out like a sort of squeaking noise. Eddie comes out holding his keys, "You ready to bail?"

I nod.

Max says, "Liz, you don't want to go home with Eddie, he's annoying."

Eddie says, "Hey!"

I take deep breaths, my voice comes out harsh and whispered, "What if I don't like you like that Max, what then?"

He looks down and smiles, "You do."

"HUH?"

"I've known...for a while Liz....I figured it out from the file, if it wasn't Kyle, you know...who else would it be."

My mouth, it's dropped to the floor now. I reach for the car door, I get in.

I can't even think.

I try, and it's just blank.

Just nothing and darkness.

Eddie takes me home.

I think about nothing.

All night.

----------------------------

It's Monday morning. I don't even remember the last couple of days, because I've been sitting here, doing nothing.

I haven't packed.

I haven't done anything.

So do you think I'm crazy? Think I'm stupid?

Well let me tell you something.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

I need you to close your eyes and imagine this for me. Do it.

Imagine yourself in a swimming pool, with Max Evans. Half-naked, pressed up against his body.

Imagine his chest against yours and his breath on your neck.

Imagine his lips, imagine his tongue against your skin. Imagine his fingers playing with the back of your bra.

Think about what he wants to do to you. Think about what you want to do to him.

Do it.

Now, think about watching him watching someone else for years.

I repeat: years.

Think about him two weeks ago not being able to remember your name.

Do it.

And you try to tell me that this is real. You try to tell me that I should just believe him.

I'm not saying he's lying. Maybe he really does think he likes me. I think he's not seeing straight, I think he's irrational and impulsive.

Try to tell me I shouldn't be scared.

'Cause I am. I'm scared as hell.

I've been hurting a lot in the past few weeks you know, and I've dealt with it. But I don't want to get hurt by him.

I really don't want to get hurt by him.

I can't imagine being able to deal with that.

The phone is ringing now, it's Maria, and she's talking through a mouthful of yogurt.

She says, "Sheeesh girrl, Mash Evvens hasha meeejer cush on yoo."

I say, "Huh?"

She swallows, "Max Evans, I went over to Isabel's house today and Max like attacked me wanting to know where you went and if your gone. He's all mopey and stuff, he's got it bad."

I say, "Oh."

"You should call him."

"Yea maybe."

I get off the phone with Maria and immediately pick up the phone again.

I have to make a call.

I need to make a call.

"Dr. Amos this is Liz."

"Hello Liz."

"I need an appointment today."

"Well, I have an opening at 10."

"That'll be great....Oh, and Dr. Amos?"

"Yes Liz?"

"I'm bringing a friend."