Finding Yourself
Part 7

Max drove aimlessly in the dark, snatches of the earlier conversation running through his head.

Liz had stormed out of the apartment, leaving everyone in shock. It hasn’t taken Max long to recover and he had jumped up, heading for the door. Only Kyle had stood in his way, pulling him back.

"She’s been through enough. Let her have some time alone."

"No, I need to find her now. I have to talk to her before it’s too late."

"This isn’t about you, Max, not this time. This is about Liz and what she needs. You broke her heart again tonight. Maybe for the last time. Did you see the defeated look in her eyes? You put it there. Hell, we all did really. The last thing she needs is you charging after her, making her talk before she can get her thoughts together."

"Kyle’s right." Maria spoke up now. She hadn’t been a friend either. When her heart had been bleeding and raw, she had turned to Michael. Isabel and Kyle had each other. Who had Liz had to talk to? Liz had even asked for help this summer, telling Maria she was drowning here. But Maria had panicked and guilted her into staying. She was to blame too. "We all failed her. She doesn’t need any of us right now."

"Well, she needs someone! She can’t just walk home in the dark!" Max had started pacing, realizing just how badly he had screwed up and not having a clue how to fix it.

"I’ll go." Kyle had volunteered. "Just stay away from her."

Now, Max drove, thinking back on all the things he could have said and done differently. It was a wonder she didn’t hate him after the way he’d treated her. Ignored, brushed aside for him to relentlessly quest after the Granolith.

Damning the consequences, he swung the Jeep around and headed towards Liz’s house. He needed to see her tonight. He had the sinking feeling that tonight may be his only chance to get through to her, to show her how much she meant to him.

He made the drive quickly, careful to pull quietly across the street to not wake the Parkers. He made his way rung by rung up her fire escape, not knowing what to expect. Would she even be there? If not, he would wait, as long as he needed to. But as he climbed over the ladder, his eyes were drawn to Liz’s small form huddled on her lawn chair. She looked so small, so broken, that he wanted to run to her and promise her the world. But he didn’t have the right to.

He hopped over the ledge as he’d done a hundred times, but it was different this time. Liz didn’t stand to greet him, didn’t flash him a secret smile. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t remember the last time he actually had seen her smile. She merely continued to stare up at the sky. Max approached her slowly.

"Liz? Is it okay if I sit down?"

She nodded and Max took a seat beside her. Where was he supposed to begin?

Liz knew he was struggling to find a way to reach her, but she was beyond it now. She knew what she had to do.

"Did I ever tell you the story about the time Maria, Alex and I went camping in Frasier Woods? It was the summer before I was shot. It was just the three of us, sitting in the middle of the dark woods, Alex’s idea of course. Maria and I had voted on going to another city and staying in a hotel for our vacation, but Alex insisted on going camping. He said we hadn’t lived until we’d had to rough it." She smiled at the memory. "It rained, monsooned actually, and all we had was this second hand tent with a leaky roof. Maria and I moaned about it, but Alex was having the time of his life. He told us ghost stories and we ate the marshmallows we couldn’t toast. Then when we heard noises outside, Maria and I ended up sleeping in his sleeping bag with him, so he could protect us from whatever dangers lurked outside. We were miserable, cold and scared to death, but I’d give everything I had to go back to that night, that horrible night that almost made me catch pneumonia. Because, that night, it was just us. Everything was okay. I didn’t know it then, but that’s one of the best memories I have." Liz paused.

"And then I think about what my life is like now. I can’t help but weigh every decision in terms of death and universal destruction. If I have cornflakes for breakfast, will the world end? Who will die today if I decide to throw caution to the wind and tell you right now I forgive you for everything you came here to apologize for? I feel like I’m weighing the value of human life. If we had slept together last year, then Isabel and Michael would have died, along with thousands of others. Tess would be gone, a war wouldn’t have to be waged over your unborn child. But instead, Alex is dead. There’s no winning."

"Liz, none of that was your fault."

"Well, the only common thread is that we were involved. We can dance around it all you want, Max, but as long as we’re here in each other’s pockets, everyone around us is in danger. Don’t you see? Michael was right all those years ago. I distract you. I mean, here you are babysitting me when you have a lead on finding your child."

"I had to see you, Liz. I was worried about you"

"You shouldn’t be. I haven’t been okay in a long time."

"I’m sorry again for that. I know words can’t begin to make up for it-"

"It’s fine, Max. I understand."

Her tone was flat and he was truly worried now. Why wasn’t she yelling at him? "But you shouldn’t have to."

"No, Max, really I get it. You were only doing what you had to do. It’s your responsibility to watch out for the others, for your planet and for your child. I’m sorry I threw a fit and stormed out. It was childish and wrong. As a friend, you deserved better."

"Well, as a friend and the woman I love, you deserved better than I’ve been treating you."

"Don’t say that." Liz squirmed. She wouldn’t be able to do this if he told her how much he loved her.

"What? That I love you? I do, Liz. I know how I’ve treated you lately and that’s all going to change. I’ll spend more time just you and me. I won’t research so much to find the Granolith."

"You would do that for me?"

Max swallow hard. "Yes."

Liz closed her eyes. "Max, I can’t ask you to do that for me. That’s why this isn’t working."

"What do you mean?"

"I can’t be okay in this town anymore, neither can you. If I let anything happen between us, it would be wrong. You have a destiny, Max, and it’s not me."

"I’m so sick and tired of that word. If you’re afraid of what being with me will mean, or if you don’t love me anymore, tell me. But just don’t hide behind destiny."

Liz turned to face Max for the first time. "I do love you, Max. I always will, but I’m dying here. Everything around here is slowly choking me. I love you enough to know that you don’t belong to me, and that I have to let you go."

"No."

"Yes. Max, you have a life to live. You need to be able to focus all your attention on finding your child, stopping Khivar, and finding yourself in all of this. Maybe I’m being cowardly, but it’s time for me to go. Put yourself in my shoes. If Kyle and I had slept together and we had conceived a child, but then I disappeared, how would you feel following Kyle around looking for his child, knowing that it should have been yours?"

Max knew how he would feel, anger, jealousy, rage, and a hundred other things. And he understood.

"That’s how I feel all the time. If it were just the baby we were looking for, maybe I could do it. But with her killing Alex and all the future stuff, it’s too much. When I said I don’t know who I am anymore, I meant it." She waited, could she say it? "I’m leaving Roswell."

Max’s heart lurched. "Okay, for how long? Christmas break is coming up soon."

"No, I’m leaving tonight. I’m moving away."

"You can’t leave. Liz, we can change things. I can change." He was desperate now. He couldn’t live without her.

"You shouldn’t have to. After all this time, I’m still holding you back. You were supposed to be sleeping now so you can leave in the morning for Phoenix. But instead here you are, saying you’ll put it all behind you. You can’t do that, Max. Like it or not, you are a King. Not only do your people need you to find the Granolith, but you also have a child out there. And you should be spending every minute of the day looking for him. That’s why I’m leaving. It hurts too much to watch you do this and you don’t really need me. We both need some time to find our places. Somewhere out there, you do have a destiny. Maybe it’s with me, but maybe not. And maybe I have a destiny of my own to fulfill. And I can’t find it here. I have to leave."

"Would you still have gone if I hadn’t come here tonight, if I hadn’t come here to talk to you?"

"But you did. I always did know what you were going to do before you did it. That’s how I know you’re going to be a great leader and a wonderful father."

"Where will you go?"

"I don’t know. I’m not going to hide or change my name. But I am going to ask you not to look for me. Don’t track me down and watch me from afar. I can sense when you’re around and it’ll only drive me crazy if I think you’re there somewhere."

"Will you ever come back?" His heart had already accepted that she was leaving. She needed to. But he needed to know if he would ever look up and see her standing in front of him.

"One day, but don’t wait for me, Max. Maybe I’ll be able to work things out in my head for us to be together, maybe not. I’m letting you go so you can fly free and clear of guilt. You may find that the only way for all this to end is for you to go home. And if that’s where your path takes you, go."

"Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind? I have to know."

"Yes. All you have to do is ask me to stay. Ask me to spend the night with you and I will. But I won’t be the Liz Parker you fell in love with."

Max nodded, his heart aching. He had done this to her, had pushed her to this point with his inattention and his very existence. But beyond all that, she loved him enough to stay if he said he needed her, even if it meant she would die a little more inside everyday. He did need her, like the very air he breathed. But she was right. There was too much in their way right now. Slowly, as if afraid not to scare her, he moved to sit in her lounge chair. She looked at him questioningly, but he was powerless to stop moving. He had to feel her in his arms one last time. He drew his arms around her, hugging her close, trying desperately to remember it all for later. Would her scent disappear from his memory? Could he ever forget how soft her skin was?

"Maybe you’re right. Maybe we both need some time to spread our wings and see if our journeys take us apart or bring up back together." He pulled back from her slim form and offered her a broken smile. "Do you need a ride somewhere?"

Liz let out a breath. He wasn’t going to ask her to stay. Was she glad he was making this easy, or disappointed? "Yeah, the bus station."

"Okay. Is this all you’re taking?" He nodded to a bag that sat behind her chair.

"Yeah." She stood with him, praying that her knees would hold her up. She was really going to do it. She was going to leave her heart behind and find a way to live again.

Max held out a shaky hand to her. Without hesitation, she placed her hand in his and they climbed down the fire escape and into Max’s Jeep.