Finding Yourself
Part 6

Liz didn’t know how long she walked. It could have been hours, it could have been minutes. Time had all run together now. Without paying attention to her surroundings, she was surprised to find that her broken heart had taken her to Alex’s grave. She stood there a minute, staring at the immortal words chisled in marble.

Alex Charles Whitman
Beloved son and friend

That was all it read. There was nothing to tell the world that he was the only person who could beat her at pinball, or that he had been part of a group of three. Maria, Alex and Liz had been dubbed the three musketeers by their parents, never having gone anywhere without one of the others.

The tombstone said nothing about how his sense of humor had been the only thing to get them all through terrible times, or how he had been the best and most loyal friend anyone could ever have asked for. He would never have the chance to be remembered as a Beloved Husband and Father. He had died at the age of seventeen and it was all her fault.

Tired, Liz collapsed in front of the grave. She could no longer hold back the tears and found she didn’t want to. So, she let go, let out months of anguish and guilt.

"Hey, what’s with all the crying?"

Liz turned tear stained eyes to meet Alex’s worried gaze from behind her. "Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry."

Alex hopped off the grave marker he had been perched on and sat on the ground beside his old friend. He held her as a fresh bout of tears surfaced. "It’s okay, Lizziebug."

"No, it’s not okay. It can’t ever be okay again. You’re dead and Max doesn’t want me anymore."

"Now that can’t be true. Max loves you."

"Maybe, but it’s all so wrong. I don’t know if I can forgive him for sleeping with Tess, for giving up on us. But I was the one who pushed him towards her. So, that’s my fault too."

"Enough of that. You can’t take on the weight of the entire world on your shoulders. They’re not big enough. Things happen the way they do for a reason. You know that. If giving up your life would have saved Max’s life, Isabel and Michael’s too, would you have done it?"

Liz sniffled, trying to see his point.

"Of course you would. That’s who you are. And maybe my death saved Isabel’s life. Maybe that was the greater good."

"But I want you back here. It’s not fair."

"I know, baby. But there’s nothing to be done about that now. What about Max? Do you still love him?"

Liz didn’t have to think. "Yes. I always will, but it’s killing me."

Alex nodded, wisdom in his eyes. "Have you taken a look at yourself lately? What happened to my beautiful Liz? I’ve been watching you. You’re not taking care of yourself and I don’t like it. This has to stop. I don’t care what you have to do, but please find yourself again. I know you’ve been thrown for a loop here and I know it feels like it won’t ever get any better, but it will. Us ghosts are far wiser than the living. You have to trust me on this."

"I’m thinking about leaving Roswell."

Again, Alex only nodded as if he already knew this too.

Liz sighed. "I just don’t know if I can. How can I leave my friends and family behind and run away? What if they need me for something and I’m not here? And Max needs my support too, I know it."

"Let me ask you a question. When was the last time anyone did need you? Max needs his own time to figure things out too. Maybe you all do."

"So, you’re saying I should leave?"

"Whoa! I’m saying nothing of the sort. We’re not allowed to interfere, not directly anyway. But I think there are times to follow your head and times to follow your heart."

"Well, which one is this?"

"If I told you, I’d have to kill you."

Liz laughed at his fake accent. "Anyone ever tell you you have a morbid sense of humor?"

"Not lately." He sobered a bit. "It’s time for me to go, Liz. I’m sorry I couldn’t help more. But you need to find yourself again. Stop blaming yourself for my death. It wasn’t your fault. There is still a lot you don’t know about yourself, about who you are. Your next decision will determine if those truths stay hidden or if they surface."

"I don’t understand."

"You will. Be strong. I love you."

"I love you too, Alex." But he was already gone. She was alone in the dark cemetery. Could she really do it? Could she leave Roswell all by herself? A crunching sound startled her out of her daze.

Kyle grinned sheepishly at her. "Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you might be here."

Liz wiped at her tears and stood up. "You didn’t have to come get me. I’m fine."

"That’s just it. I don’t think you are. And that’s all our faults. We didn’t notice, Liz. And I know I’m sorry for it. We agreed to be friends and I haven’t been a good one. I’d like to make it up to you if you’ll let me."

"You really don’t have anything to apologize for. Tess betrayed you worse of all."

"Yeah, well humor me. Let me give you a ride home for starters, or anywhere you want to go."

"Okay. Home sounds good."

"Are you done here? I didn’t mean to interrupt."

Liz cast another glance at Alex’s grave and was able to manage a smile. She knew Alex was watching her, would be no matter what she did. And it was a start. "Yeah, I think I’m done here."

Kyle wrapped an arm around her waist as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Together, they walked back to his Mustang. Liz didn’t have to say anything. Kyle knew something had changed, a decision had been reached and he was almost afraid to find out what it was.

He pulled the car to a stop outside her fire escape railing.

"Thanks, Kyle. You’re a good friend."

"Not good enough, but I’m going to be."

Liz smiled at him as she placed a kiss on his cheek and climbed out of the car and into the night.