Chapter 23

Liz’s hair whipped in the open air of Max’s jeep, the wind tangling it repeatedly across her face, as they sped into the desert. It was a glorious day, all sunshine and deep blue sky. The radio played loudly, but the music was muffled by the sound of the engine and the blowing wind.

Max had been incredibly quiet the whole ride out of town, and every time she glanced sideways at him, he appeared melancholy and thoughtful. But more than that, he hadn’t tried to connect with her since their little interlude earlier in the girl’s restroom. They’d gone straight to English class afterward, and she’d simply glowed all through their poetry analysis.

And Max had clearly been euphoric, erupting into gentle smiles every time she so much as breathed in his direction.

But then she hadn’t seen him for the rest of the day, until he’d picked her up in front of school, just as promised—and his mood had clearly taken a dark turn in the intervening hours. Liz wondered what had happened, but decided not to press him. Instead she simply rode quietly beside him, the music playing loudly. Music was always Max’s solace-- or his celebration-- depending upon his mood. Right now, he was playing Radiohead’s Kid A, and she didn’t think that was a very positive indication as to what was churning in his heart.

And though she was a little concerned about him, Liz couldn’t help feeling absolutely radiant as the fall sunlight warmed her skin, as she rode beside this man she loved with all her being. Suddenly, she remembered the Pattiann Rogers poems they’d studied in class—her words had suddenly seemed much more applicable to Liz’s life than ever before, shot full of glorious appreciation for the universe and its infinite beauty. One poem in particular had struck a chord within her today:

In the entire night sky, in all of the inverted slipped-back-upon-itself almost total emptiness, with its occasional faint clusters…there is not one single star grateful for its own light.

She’d always loved Pattiann Rogers, but her poetry just resonated even more beautifully within Liz today—now that she knew who she really was.

What she really was.

It suddenly seemed she’d spent a small lifetime unaware of so much.

She wondered if Max understood just how much learning about her own alien nature truly pleased her. Liz sighed softly in frustration because she knew Max, and even with as thoroughly bonded as they now were, he probably worried that it frightened her.

But the truth was so very different. She loved this newfound knowledge to the core of her being, because it meant she was like him. It meant that the same energy, the same essence coursed through both their beings-- and after last night, after having become so thoroughly one with Max, she thrilled to know just how alike they really were. She hadn’t thought it possible, but it made her feel even closer to him, to know they were the same.

To know she was his true bride.

Liz smiled softly to herself, as a gentle hum shivered through her body. Zillia… He’d called her that today, during their lovemaking, whispered it like a prayer.

Zan, she breathed softly now within her mind. It sounded so foreign, yet somehow so familiar—as if she’d whispered it hundreds of times before, as if she’d held that name close to her heart like a sacred refuge. Zan… The name of her beloved.

She glanced quickly at Max, and saw his dark hair rifling in the breeze, blown back away from his face. No, nothing about him had ever scared her, had only made her feel so completely safe… protected.

How could it frighten her to be like him? He was so incredibly beautiful—the alien part of him so exotic and lovely—she couldn’t think of anything that could please her more than to be just that.

She peeked at him again. His eyes were unreadable… a bit moody, as he focused them on the road ahead. She reached for him a little across their bond, but the connection just thudded back to her dully. He was shutting down, closing in on himself. She suddenly felt very lonely, and wondered why he had erected this barrier between them.

She placed her hand lightly on his thigh, and he forced a faint smile in return, folding her hand within his own. She felt a little shadow of their bond, but no real connection.

"Max," she pressed tentatively. "What’s on your mind?"

She pushed a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes, so she could see him better. He chewed his lip a moment, then gave her hand a tight little squeeze, but remained quiet. Finally after a very long moment, he spoke.

"I don’t know where to start, Liz," he said, glancing at her quickly. "Let’s just talk when we get there."

"Where’s ‘there’, Max? You didn’t even tell me where we’re going."

"Well, that’s part of what’s on my mind actually, Liz." He hesitated briefly, releasing her hand from his. "I’m taking you to the pod chamber."

Liz felt dread begin within her. She hadn’t been to the cave since that day six months ago. Why did he want to take her there now?



Liz hugged her arms around herself tightly, as they entered the cool pod chamber. Her short-sleeved t-shirt was suddenly not nearly enough, especially after the warm sunshine outside. Max stepped ahead of her, reaching his hand to lead her in. Liz felt a little shiver of something, as her eyes fell on the familiar pods. She hated this place. It had filled her nightmares for months and the dreams had always ended exactly the same-- with Max saying what he'd said that day, and then her running away.

Out of Max’s life forever.

She knew he had no idea how much she despised the cave, and that for her, it had always spelled an insurmountable wall of difference between the two of them—a place of death for the only love she’d ever known.

All her dreams had ended here in one swift instant.

She took Max’s extended hand, and followed him further inside the cave. She had to remember that all her feelings associated with this place were in the past—that now the pod chamber held significance for her own future. This wasn’t just his heritage anymore—it was her own.

And then it really hit her fully. She was an alien, just like them. A hybrid.

Max turned back and stared at her for a moment. "Liz, what is it?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I don’t know," he answered, hesitating. "I thought I felt something from you for a moment."

Liz remained quiet and walked toward one of the pods. She ran her fingers slowly across its rough surface, and felt a little jolt of energy.

"Nothing, Max," she whispered, and he quickly stepped toward her.

"Tell me," he said softly.

She just shook her head, and then looked up into his eyes, feeling suddenly a little irritable with him. She wasn’t even sure exactly why. "You’re the one who’s been quiet the whole ride here, Max."

He placed his hands tenderly on her shoulders, and she felt all her sudden animosity melt away, as his warm fingers rubbed the back of her neck. He pressed his face against the top of her head, sighing heavily.

"I’m sorry, I just…" he hesitated, staring at the pods. "I have a lot to tell you Liz. Some things happened today."

"Like what kind of things?" she asked, feeling slightly uneasy.

"They’re not important right now," he answered thoughtfully, stroking her hair. He was quiet a long moment, and then continued. "I’ve never told you that this place calms me. It’s where I always come when I just need to think things through…and I wanted you to share in that, too."

"Oh," Liz replied softly, and when she looked up into his eyes again, she realized he felt vulnerable about this. He was exposing places that he’d kept hidden from her—his feelings about being alien—things he’d been afraid for her to know.

"Liz…" he began, his voice incredibly quiet. "Is this weird to you? I mean… knowing what you do about yourself now?"

"No, Max…its kind of…exciting actually," she answered, and saw relief flicker in his eyes.

"What about your parents?" He asked. "How do you feel knowing… well, that they must have adopted you?" She saw him flinch at the words, and remembered all his own confused feelings about his relationship with his parents.

"Oh…well you know that is weird, Max. Of course it’s weird, and a little painful, really. And I wonder if they know anything about what I am. I have a lot of questions about them—but not about this," she said, waving her hand around the cave. "Not about you," she finished in a whisper.

Their eyes met for a moment, and something passed over Max’s features. It was like a little tension eased out of him, and she realized this had been hard for him, bringing her here today. It was part of what she’d sensed in the car.

Max ran his own hand slowly across the pod in front of them, staring at it introspectively. "This was mine," he said softly. "I remember it."

The one she’d gone to instinctively.

And Liz realized that he’d brought her here for many reasons, but most especially because he was showing her something about himself—something hidden. She reached her hand out and ran it slowly across his pod, then their fingers met, touching lightly as they rested there together. She felt a tremendous shiver of electricity just at the touch of his fingertips, as he traced them across her own. The connection began to sing softly in her ear, but she didn’t reach for it yet. It was important that they keep talking first.

"Everything that we know about ourselves is contained in this cave," he continued in a very quiet voice. "This is your heritage now, too, Liz… and the questions are going to begin growing within you. I wish so much that I was going to have the answers."

He bowed his head slowly, and she glimpsed for a moment how responsible he felt for all of them—and that he’d now begun to feel that for her--not just as her mate, but also as her leader. She’d never sensed this from Max before, because while she’d been part of his group, and she’d acknowledged his leadership—she’d never been part of the unit. Liz felt something unfamiliar stir within herself, something new--and felt so loved and protected by him.

Liz gazed down at their hands, where they rested together on the surface of the pod, and a question did form in her mind—and she realized he was right—that he wouldn’t have the answer.

"Why isn’t my pod here?" she asked, glancing up at him, and was surprised to see sadness shadow his eyes.

He shook his head slowly, "I don’t know."

And for the first time, she had a sense of what he’d lived with his whole life—the endless questions about who he really was, churning forever through his mind—and always returning void, without answer.

Until the message from the communicator and until they’d found Tess.

Liz closed her eyes in guilty realization. The very thing Max had wanted his whole life, had been what had driven Liz away from him. The truth he’d so desperately longed for had caused him to lose her—his soulmate. Pain knifed through her heart at the realization, and she felt unbidden tears spring to her eyes.

"Liz?" he asked, cupping her face within his hand. "What is it? What’s upsetting you?"

She closed her eyes, and shook her head. She felt him kiss her lightly on the forehead. "Is it being here?"

"Yes," She nodded, opening her eyes to meet his own.

"We can leave," he whispered.

"It’s not what you think, Max," she replied, feeling the tears begin to stream down her face now.

"Then what?" He asked gently, wiping her tears with his fingertips. "Tell me."

She shook her head again, chewing on her lip, and finally after a long moment she spoke. "It’s just that I’ve suddenly realized what your whole life has been like, Max," she responded.

His heart nearly stopped within him. It was what he’d wanted in bringing her here today—at least part of it—but he hadn’t dared to hope that she’d really understand.

But her own questions had already begun to surface, as he’d known they would--and as he’d feared, he didn’t have the answers for her.

"Oh, Liz," he said softly, pulling her into his arms. He yearned to connect with her--it was roiling like fire within him, but he pressed it aside. Something else was happening between them right now… something crucial.

"I’m sorry, Max," she murmured. "I’m sorry that I never really understood before."

"Shh…" he whispered in her ear. "You’re the only person I’ve ever really felt understands me completely. Don’t you know that?"

He felt his t-shirt growing wet against him. She was still crying. He rubbed her back slowly, wondering why she was so upset. Perhaps it was all the intensity of the past day.

"Max, there’s something else I have to tell you," she said quietly, and pulled back from him.

"Okay," he answered, nodding encouragingly. But he was quickly unnerved by the intense expression in her dark eyes.

"Do you know why I ran away that day? Why I left after the message from your mother?"

She looked up into his eyes meaningfully. "I mean why I really left?"

"Because of my destiny," he answered uncertainly. "Because of Tess."

What was she getting at? He was starting to feel panicked, as if she were about to reveal something he didn’t want to know.

"That’s not why, Max. I would have fought for you anyway."
His heart began to thunder apprehensively, and he braced himself for her next words.

"I left because of what you said," she finished and he saw fresh tears pool in her eyes.

What had he said?

He shook his head in confusion. "What do you mean, Liz?"

"You said, ‘it’s just the four of us now.’ You drew a line, and I was on the other side… shut out because I wasn’t like you," she finished in a heated whisper.

Oh, God. Oh, God. It was all he could think, his heart hammering within his chest. Of course she’d thought he meant just the four of them—and no wonder she’d run away. He couldn’t think of a single reply, his emotions just swirled in confusion.

Somehow bringing her back here today had unlocked all those exact same feelings of abandonment within her. She had to know his heart, what he’d really meant that day.

She pulled away, and walked past him, toward the cave entrance.

She was turning her back on him--again.

"Liz, no!" he cried, feeling terribly frightened. "I’m not letting you walk away from me again."

And she turned to face him quickly, pain flashing across her features. "Max, I’d never leave you again. Never," and she paused, looking down a moment. "I’m trying to tell you something really painful, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered softly.

"I never understood what that message did to you… that you’d waited your whole life for those answers… and then when you got them, they drove the one person you loved the most away from you. I’m so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry, Max."

He closed his eyes. All he could hear was the rushing of the blood in his ears. He’d devastated her that day with his careless words, and she was apologizing to him. Focus, he had to focus—but the world was spinning beneath his feet.

"You have to believe me when I say this. Okay, Liz?" He began, moving quickly to her side. He took both of her hands in his own. "When I said that it was just the four of us, I meant…" His voice trailed off.

What had he meant? What else could he have possibly meant, other than what she’d thought. He ran his hand shakily through his hair, grasping for the answer. Why did it feel so elusive? And she was just staring up at him, her beautiful open eyes needing an answer so badly.

And suddenly he remembered exactly what he’d felt in that moment, as the memory came crashing back upon him.

"Liz…I wasn’t thinking of Tess." His voice was so quiet. "I was excluding her… I didn’t consider her part of our group." He’d never thought about it until just now, but it was the truth. He’d been including Liz and excluding Tess.

Liz gasped softly, her hand covering her mouth, and simply stared at him for one, long eternal moment.

Oh, please let her believe me, he thought.

Slowly she stepped toward him again, and took his hands more firmly within both of her own. She gazed up at him, her dark eyes swimming with countless emotions.

And then the connection rapidly unfurled between them, exploding wide open in no time at all—she’d reached for it with more intensity than he’d ever known. She had catapulted barriers, rapidly dissolved distances between them-- because in one single instant, she’d willed herself to be completely joined with him.

She believed him. Wholeheartedly and fully, she knew he’d told her the truth, and something had changed within their bond forever.

The brightest sunlight washed over him, spun out within him… and his chest began instantly to burn. Not just his chest, but also his hands, his arms…and his face became flushed. Their bond was different this time—the connection changed each and every instance when they joined, it was so mercurial and shifting.

Oh, his Liz… she was darting in and out of him, dancing along their connection, twirling and beckoning him like a tiny ballerina. She teased and nipped along his skin, she pirouetted within his mind. Her heart was exploding with joy…and then suddenly their bond spun in a totally different direction, and unexpectedly she just settled quietly within him.

The connection grew incredibly hushed and gentle.

Max, she whispered through their bond.

He pulled her into his arms and breathed her in, buried his face in her hair. She smelled like the desert wind, all mixed with sunlight and blue sky. He inhaled her…the scent of her, the fire of his connection with her.

He pulled away from her so that he could look into her eyes. They were like two delicious pools of chocolate, and shone with such love for him, that his heart shuddered.

And they stared at one another for moments, without speaking at all. Totally hushed and intimate. He caressed her cheek softly below his thumb, and her skin was like creamy silk to his touch.

And then her soul sidled up to his very gently, and they began caressing one another like a whisper. His soul to hers…back and forth…and in the most delicate way, they joined.

Their uneven breaths fell into a single quiet rhythm, breath upon breath, as their souls knit tightly together.
He felt her deep contentment, which completely matched his own.

I want to stay like this forever, Liz. God, I swear it.

Me, too, Max.

Why can’t I get enough of this… of our connection? It never ends for me, how much I need this.

She was quiet a long moment, and nestled her face against his chest, stroking his back lightly beneath her fingers. Her touch sent little sparks of heat through his body.

I think its how our people make love, Max. I think it’s why we need it so much.

Our people, he whispered.

Yes…

You’re like me, Liz. You'll never know what that does to me.

His pleasure shot across their bond, enveloping them both. And they stood there quietly for eternal moments, not speaking.

Liz dangled her feet off the rocks outside the pod chamber, looking out over the desert floor. They’d been sitting there, holding hands and watching the sunset for a long time, neither speaking. He felt Liz’s growing concern about his day—about what had happened to upset him earlier. But he wasn’t ready for this warm thrumming of their connection to cool. Because when he did tell her what had happened at school, it was going to change things—it was going to end this honeymoon they’d been on—at least for a while.

What is it, Max? She asked, turning to him. Concern instantly darkened her eyes.

You weren’t supposed to hear those thoughts, he groaned.

She smiled faintly, If we’re connected, Max, I’m just all in there. Sorry.

I think you’re all in there all the time, sweetheart. Not just when we’re connected.

So what happened today? she asked.

He stared across the desert, thinking for a long moment. How was he going to tell her? There was no other way, than to simply tell the truth.

"Tess," he finally answered. "Tess happened today."