Well, here I am getting ready to do the best yet worst thing I have ever done in my whole life. Today, I have to be a bridesmaid for my I wouldn't go straight to friend Jennifer who just so happens to be marrying the man I am in love with, Cristian Vega. Not to mention the fact that she is carrying his child. Oh, see the problem isn't that Cris doesn't love me, because he does, I know he does, its the fact that he wouldn't be marrying her if I hadn't told him it was the right thing to do. I say that from personal experience though, I know that growing up without a father can be horrible especially if Roxy is your Mom, and I didn't want that to happen to Cristian's child, I couldn't let that happen. I have no doubts whatsoever that this is the right thing for the baby, but sometimes I catch myself wondering is this the right thing for me? I mean don't I deserve just as much happiness with all the crud I have been through in my life...but you know what it doesn't matter, I lost again that's all. I guess that is just the way my life is: welcome to it.
Cristian Vega sighed. Why did he have to keep running into her? It was like everywhere he went she was there, like it was fate or something. Of course he knew, they were meant to be together, but if they were meant to be then why was Jen having his baby? Good question! It seemed like he asked himself that question a lot lately. He was still in denial about the whole thing though, he still couldn't believe he himself had asked Jen Rappaport to marry him. He wasn't even in love with her!
His thoughts drifted back to the church where he had been a few hours ago, when he saw her walk in, she looked so beautiful. He loved everything about her, everything. And then when the priest thought that she was Jen and had said all that stuff about how he could tell when two people were in love, he could see it in her eyes that she wanted to be Jen, that she wanted to be the one marrying him. It was killing her to know that she wasn't, and it was killing him too. But, they had decided that this is what was best for the baby, and that was that. God, he wished he could go back in time and make things right! Jen wouldn't be pregnant, and he would be free to love her. But, like she had said you can't change the past, know matter how much you want to. And he wanted to, more than anything else, he wanted too.
So, here I am getting ready to witness Jen Rappaport (soon to be Vega) marry my best friend, my angel, my one true love. And if you really think about it he is only one of four people who have ever loved me. There's my Mom Viki and my ex-boyfriend Seth who doesn't love me any more, but I think he did once...a long time ago. Oh, and Rex when we were little he told me he loved me, before and Corrine came and took him away. Finally, of course is Cristian, my one good love, who is still in love with me, and marrying my only "girlfriend." I know I can get through this ceremony, I have to. But, just to make sure I don't say anything, you know speak instead of forever hold my peace, I am going to carry Cristian's necklace he gave me, just to remind me that he still cares. Just to remind me that I am doing this for him as a father, for the baby and that is all that counts. The baby is all that matters, not my heart, not his, the baby's. And if that child is lucky enough maybe he will have Cristian's heart. If only the world were so lucky.
Her eyes, they were one of the many things he loved about her, a world all their own, so expressive, so deep, and so vivid. He had learned to tell what she was thinking by looking into those deep pools of blue. You had to look hard though, because she didn't show her feelings to just anyone that often. With time though she had come to trust him and he had broken through her hardened exterior and gotten to see who she was underneath. When she was around him, she let everything out, most of the time. When he had seen her today though, and had looked into those magical eyes he had seen only clouds, blue and gray clouds. The spark and the glitter were gone. It was killing her spirit, he could tell, he knew the symptoms all to well, because it was killing his too.
You know I can honestly say I have no regrets about anything that happened between Cris and myself. I can honestly say I am not sorry for loving him, and I know I always will. He taught me something very important, time is precious. All that time we wasted denying our feelings for each other, fighting day and night to make them go away. It was all wasted time, so much wasted time. So much time we could have spent together, he could have broken it off with Jen before she got pregnant and we, err I wouldn't be in this mess today. I know I will never get over Cristian, I'll just ignore this empty feeling inside. I know I'll never love anyone the way I love him, I'll just fake it. I know I will probably never love anyone but him. But, to tell you the truth I can't say that I won't regret being Jen's bridesmaid today. Because I think I will.
He often wondered what his life would be like if he had never met her. If she had never come to town. Would it have been for better or for worse? He wasn't sure, if she had never come he never would have fallen in love with her. He would probably still be marrying Jen. For better or worse? On the flip side if she hadn't come, he might never have known what being in love truly feels like. He had certainly never been in love with Jen he knew that now. If she hadn't come he never would have gotten to know her, or learned the lesson she taught him along the way: to love is to let go. They shared an equal love for the child, him out of responsibility, and her due to her past. Both had decided to let go, because their love wasn't important, the baby was. He didn't know about her but he hadn't let go yet, and he wasn't sure if he ever would. In the childish part of him, he held on to the thought that this was all just a horrible nightmare, that he would wake up and be able to love her, no strings attached. But, he knew that was impossible, because he never went to sleep anymore, he couldn't all he ever did was dream about her....and wake up without her. That he decided was definitely for worse.
Cristian and I had some great times together. I could always be myself around him, he knew who I really was, he trusted me, he took time to get to know me when no one else would give me a chance. He took up for me, protected me, and made me believe in myself. We laughed, and we cried. We solved the Niki Smith mystery, we overcame broken hearts, we found that our hearts were meant to be together, and in the end we found that sometimes in life to love with every fiber of your being is to let go...even though sometimes you never really will.
She was everything to him, the sun rose and set in her. When she was happy all was right in the world. When she was sad his heart ached for her and he did everything in his power to make things right. That was his job, to make things right, to protect her, and make her happy. But, he couldn't do that anymore, she had told him that he needed to start looking out for Jen, and that was true but he didn't care about Jen, he loved her, only her. She was his best friend, and he his heart melted every time she came near. He loved being around her, it was the only time he was truly himself. The more he thought about that the more he realized how true it was. He was never himself around Jen anymore, he was who she wanted him to be, he was who he had to be. He was never himself around his mother either, because it seemed like anything he did anymore that she didn't like he got an ear full of 'what Papi would have done.' Plus, bringing up her name when he was talking to Mami was like adding fuel to the fire. She hated Natalie and he knew it, she was always giving her a hard time, and that was the last thing he wanted, for her to hurt even more because of him. And it was all because of him. He blamed himself entirely for what had happened, he had been the one to get Jen pregnant, he had been the one to ruin it all, he had loved her for a long time before she ever find out, he had wasted time, so much precious time. What he wouldn't give for one more day with her. He should have told her he was in love with her the minute he realized it. When he had first realized he was in love with her, he felt happier then he ever had, he was on cloud nine, and when they said good-bye he had never felt so low, he felt his heart was shattered, he felt like he was so lost and alone. Without her he was lost, she was his world and she made everything right. But, that day they said good-bye, when he saw the pain in her eyes, the hurt, he had hurt down inside like he never had before. He never imagined that saying good-bye would hurt this much, never. Telling her good-bye was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his whole life, his heart felt so empty without her in it, his life felt so hollow. When he walked out of Llanfair that day, he had known that nothing would ever be the same. He had known he would never love anyone like he loved her. Everything she did amazed him, every breath she took was beautiful in his eyes. He had known that when he walked out his life would be taking a turn for the worst, that he would never be able to go back. He had fully known all the consequences, yet he had done it anyway. He would never forget the way she looked that day, that scene would forever be etched in his mind. Oh, what he wouldn't give for just one more day to make things right; just one more day.
Well, its that time, time for me to break my own heart, time for me to be so unselfish as to put the baby first, time for me to throw away all those empty dreams of a happy ending, time for me to leave with a smile. It's okay, I will never forget Cristian Vega, nor will I ever love anyone as much as I love him. At the end of the today it will be just me, empty, burnt out, crushed, sobbing, scared, alone oh so alone me. Me and the thought of knowing I have done a good thing for that child. Me and the memories. I will never let the memories fade, but I will have to watch that child grow, wishing all the while that I were part of that picture. So, in the end its just me. I guess that's just the way my life is: welcome to it.
She was all he ever thought about anymore, she filled his daydreams, and he found himself drifting back to old scenes, before life got so complicated. He tried to steer clear of all the places they used to go, but everywhere he went her memory followed, and he had to admit that it didn't bother him that much. But now, he had to stand up and be responsible for the baby, and for Jen. He would never stop loving her, and he would never forget all the good times, all the fun, she was his true love, the one for him, and her name would forever be written on his heart. Forever.