Random Quotes: Page 2

Yes, there's more...

Well, now I have to make fun of your bandana. (Conan)
We’re back, we’re rusty, and we’re just as bad as before. (Conan)
When life gives you lemons, uh, make some fruity juice. (Conan)
By age seven, kids have already seen orgies. (Chandler,
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go, cuz man, they’re gone. (Jack Handey,
Jay, Dave and I pal around all the time. We often ride a bicycle built for three up to the country.
Early, crap. Late, good. That’s out motto here at Late NIght. (Conan)
You’re getting more and more like Ed McMahon every day. (Conan to Andy)
I’m a walking stereotype. (Conan)
We don’t give out money, we depress and alienate. That’s what we do, and we do it well. (Conan)
When you’ve got hands that can crush a man’s skull, you’ve got to use them. (Andy)
Who are you to cast aspersions upon this monkey? (Conan)
We make “Hee Haw” look like “Masterpiece Theater.” (Andy)
Don’t turn on me; I’m all you’ve got tonight. (Conan)
We have a stagehand, Bobby Bowman, who holds up the curtain when I run out for the monologue. He is the last person I see before the show starts, and I have to make him laugh before I go out. It started with mild jabs:
Bad things happen when people have sex with animals. (Dave Chapelle)
My ass is gonna be fried...with seven herbs and spices! (Conan)
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. (Conan)
All baseball teams are equally good. (Conan)
I could never get a real job. (Andy)
I’m a big freak. (Conan)
I’m an ass. (Conan)
You see, you're in for a lifetime of
I’m mostly Swedish and German, or as I like to say, depressed and angry. (Andy)

I only have one buttock. (Conan)
Well, I guess we all learned a lesson here today: that it’s what inside a person that counts. And on the inside, midgets are thieving little bastards. (Conan)
I was the middle child in a large Irish family. I was fighting for attention, fighting for power. The only way I could get it was to get a TV show. (Conan)
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. (Jack Handey,
I like a nice disco as much as the next guy. (Conan)
So, your parents are getting divorced, it's tough, I know, but it's important to understand that it's not your fault. You never cried, you never made demands, you never complained when they asked you to clean up your room. Did you? Cuz if you did… my God what have you done? (Conan)
Jay says “stay tuned for Conan” and then Conan comes crashing through your TV set like a freight train bringing the funny. (Conan)
And I gave that guy directions, even though I didn’t know the way, cuz that’s the kind of guy I am this week. (Homer Simpson)
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralysed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then - one day - you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe. (Denis Leary)
My mother doesn’t care what happens as long as I’m polite. (Conan)
You catch your child swearing. Do you wash out his mouth with soap? Or do you explain he’d better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do. (Conan)
I’m a game show host waiting to happen. (Conan)
My parents are thrilled. Their only regret is that I'm not hosting a game show. My dad always thought I could be another Pat Sajak. He wants to see me spin a wheel occasionally. I try to tell him,
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. (Jack Handey,
If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk. (Conan)
I can only eat Irish food: big, crappy stews and a glass of dark ale. (Conan)
I’m like white and rapping for porn stars. (Ashton Kutcher)
From the waist down, I’m a completely different person then I was a few years ago. (Conan)
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. (a quote I got from somewhere...)
I’ve got a big, fat Irish head. (Conan)
So many things you would say that would really advance the relationship -- like
48...49...50 marshmallow chicks. Oh, if only the real chicks went down this easy. (the Comic Book Guy, the Simpsons)
I’m from the planet Vulcan. (Conan)
Well, it wasn’t supposed to phone sex. I was ordering something out of the LL Bean catalog and things got crazy...and my tote bag never showed up! (Conan)

I’m technically dead. My cholesterol is 300. (Conan)
All I ever wanted was a Barbie dream house...a place that I could call my own, to share my hopes and dreams with Barbie. That’s when I heard it: those four words that would haunt me for the rest of my life... “It’s not for boys.” (Conan)
That’s a whole new KIND of dumb. (Conan)
Keep it cool, babies! It’s only a talk show. (Conan)
No, no, we’re the good crap now. (Conan)
I was just almost murdered. (Conan)
When all else fails, there’s always delusion. (Conan)
Just cuz all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you have to. Despite what everyone says, it's OK not to do it. In fact, I didn't have sex until I was 32 years old… Can we not do this one? (Conan)
Actually, they’re sea lions. The difference is they have earflaps...I wish I had earflaps. (Conan)
I see a therapist every other hour. Some people say, “That’s too much therapy.” And I say, “Go to hell.” Because I’ve got a lot of anger. (Conan)
I haven't showered in like two weeks. A lot of times on the talk show you can actually see people back away from me a little bit. Fran Drescher was almost knocked over--it was like she'd been hit with a baseball bat. If I can't get by on wit or charm, I'm gonna be the guy that smells really bad. (Conan)
There is no emoticon for what I am feeling! (the Comic Book Guys, "the Simpsons")
That’s the kind of thing where the lights go on and all our cothes have been stolen. (Conan)
Male nudity bores me. (Conan)
...the potato, Nature’s dildo. (Conan)
We’re just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. (Conan)
Someday Jay Leno is going to run me over with a 1911 Doozenberg. (Conan)
I think they should give monkeys at the zoo sunglasses so they can’t hypnotize you. (Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts")
Yay, we’re all nerds! (Conan)
...and he celebrates like a slave who made it to the North! (Ray Romano, SNL)
I just burped and hiccuped at the same time, and now I’m clinically dead. (Conan)