Classification: Parody. We like to mock.

Disclaimer: If we owned DC, we wouldn't be here writing fanfic. Duh. We don't own Charmed or AOL, either.

Katie's note: Me and Alex go through a ton of fanfic, since we own DC pages known for their fanfic selection. A lot of it is really good and innovative, but some of it is...ehh... cookie cutter formula. Dawson loves Joey, Jen's the bad girl, break-up, make-up, make-out. It can numb your mind. So, we do what we do best. We mock. And this is the product. We even satirize ourselves. I am the egotistical bitch, Alex is the clueless ingenue. Enjoy.

Alex's Note: Just like to thank Lisa and Eden for some feedback on what drives them nuts about certain fanfic. Um... this isn't what writing fanfic was like with Katie. Really. We're, uh, friends... uh.. don't forget to vote for us in the 2000 Creekers' Choice Awards (remember, I am the queen of shameless self-promotion, even if it's a year in advance). Feedback to me can be sent to AlexsDC@hotmail.com and to Katie at katstratford@gurlmail.com. Hope you like it!

*****

Alex let a smile come to her lips and wiped away the silent tears from the corners of her eyes. "Season one was so good," she whispered. "I love The Breakfast Club, that's my favorite episode."

"Only because you are such a die-hard Dawson and Joey fan," Katie rolled her eyes and got up to turn off the television. "I still prefer the snails."

"Why am I crying? I totally blame my ex-boyfriend for this. Can I have a tissue?"

"You're crying because you are a sap. You can pretend you're not, but you are," Katie said, giving her a tissue.

"Bah," Alex said. "I feel inspired. I think I'll-- I'll be right back." Katie was a little startled by Alex's sudden surge of excitement, but then ignored her when she realized that Charmed was on. Alex ran out of the room and Katie turned the television back on and plopped down on the couch. Alex came back about twenty minutes later. "Okay," she said, "I figured out how to channel my angst productively. Read this. It's going to be part one of my new fanfic story! I'll name it... 'The Greatest Story Ever Told'."

"Okay..." Katie took the five pieces of paper from Alex's trembling hand. "Isn't that a little egotistical for a fanfic title?"

"You know me, queen of shameless self-promotion," Alex smirked.

"Self-proclaimed, of course," Katie responded sarcastically. She smiled, though, and began to read.

"THings were, so much beter last year Dawson Leary sighed. It was more interesting before Rick and Andy McFee came to town!"

"Dont you mean Jack?" Joey said timidly from his lap. She was sitting on him! She had beat Jen!

"Yeah! That's right, Jack," Dawson said. He put his hands around Jo3ey's itty bitty teeny tiny waist. "We've only been together for an hour, but I think I love you Joey Potter!" Dawson had said he loves her! Joey couldn't believe it!

"I love you too Dawson Leary." She leaned dowxn to kiss him when Jenn fell in the windOw, bottle in hand.

"Dawsnn...." she slurred. sh]e smelled bad because she was drunk! "Did you choose between me and Joe?"

"Clearly I didn't choose you, Joe is on my lap," D@wson smiled at Joey not Jenn! Jenn threw Joe off his lap and took her place! That b***h!

"Now I am. Mount me now Dawsn. Make me scream."

"Jenn, you slut." Joey screamed! He's my boyfriend, you are always drunk. Go back to, New York where you belong so you can sleep, with everyone." Joe pushed Jenn off and she fell off of the bed!

"Fine!:" Jen Cried! "No one likes me here, so I will just LEAVE." She went to climb down the lad6der, but lost her balance and fell to her death. No one cared, not even her grams who jumped for joy at the extra house space! Joe went to kis Dawson at they're good fortune when Pacey burst into the room with Andy AND Tamara!

"Pacey!" Joey squealed. PAcey Whiter flexed for her and Smiled his Cheshire grin.

"Hey babe."

"Damn it Pac, leave JOey alone, she's mine!" Dawson screamed and punched him in the nose! Dawson was tough!

"Okay, okay, I just wanted to know if I could borrow your closet and jump Andy and Tamara and maybe Joe too!"

Katie looked up at Alex, appalled. "Alexandra, honey, um... I got up to page two and I can't read anymore."

"Why not? Was it the style? My stuff is always so tame, I wanted to try the PG-13 or rated R thing."

Katie sighed. She would have to be honest to her untalented friend. "Well... it's bad." Alex's grin faded and her green eyes darkened.

"B--b... Bad?"

"You can do better than this, Al. I know you can, I've read your stuff. You know that Pacey's name is spelt W-i-t-t-e-r. You know how to spell the other characters' names. You know that they aren't this shallow, your grammar is usually better than this, and you know that Pacey would not be banging all three of them in Dawson's closet."

Alex thought for a moment and said, "in Dawson's parents room, maybe?" Her grin returned. "And then his parents join in and then..."

"HOLD IT!" Katie screamed, fearful of where this conversation was headed. She didn't think Alex usually thought about things like that. "Alex, you're missing the point. How about you forget this story and try again another time?"

Alex looked hurt. "Are you saying you could do better? All you've written is the widely acclaimed Model Behavior series, the Dawson Show, Misery, the fairy tale stories, the--"

"Yeah, I have, haven't I?" Katie smiled. "Well, yes, at the risk of sounding full of myself, I do think I can do better. But I'm not inspired. We'll sign on AOL and see if we can find any stories that are..." Katie grimaced at the papers in her hand and dropped them into the wastebasket. "Better than this one."

"Pssh. As if you could do better than this."

*****

Katie opened yet another page. "This one's great. The characters are well-developed, the plot is outstanding. This is the greatest writer of all time."

Alex looked at Katie. "Um, Katie? This is yet another one of YOUR stories."

"Your point?"

"Every 'great story' you've shown me has been one of yours."

"So?"

"Well...isn't there any other fanfic out there by another writer that's good?"

Katie blinked. "Why would you want to read another writer's work? Mine's good enough."

"But I've seen yours. A zillion times."

"What are you trying to say?"

"If I have to read Model Behavior one more time, I'm gonna shoot myself."

"Oh come on! It's a work of art!"

"It's a work of something."

Katie's eyes darkened. "You're just jealous that I'm so gifted."

"Gifted is not the word I'd use. Self-absorbed, definitely."

"Come on! You can't mock it. This is an innovative classic!"

"No. Lesley's 'Disturbing Behavior' is innovative. Kilby's 'Moving' is a classic. This is melodramatic."

"So was the entire second season of Dawson's Creek. This is a work of art."

"Anal-retentive much?"

"You don't even know what anal-retentive means."

"That's not the point." Alex paused. "You know, we should write a fanfic together."

Katie gave her a strange look. "Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"It will never work."

"It will be brilliant."

"It will come out trite and hackneyed."

"It will be the best work out there."

"We'll kill each other."

"You can put your name first."

"I'm in."

*****

Alex and Katie sat in front of the computer screen, preparing to begin work on their story. "Okay," Alex said, "now, this is obviously going to be a Dawson and Joey story, so I think we should open with...."

"Whoa," Katie said. "I think it should be Pacey and Joey."

"Don't make me ill."

"Pacey and Joey are meant to be."

"Meant NEVER to be."

"Pacey and Joey!"

"You SUCK!"

"How about a love triangle? We can drag it out for a while until I inevitably get my way, seeing as I'm in charge."

"You wish. But we'll make it a love triangle. Wait, why are you in charge? It was my idea."

"Because I am the genius who gets her name first, so I'll be getting more credit." Alex just glared at her.

"Let's just start. Okay...." Alex started typing feverishly.

Joey's whole life turned upside-down when Jenn Lindley entered it.

"Jen," Katie rolled her eyes and corrected her.

when JEN Lindley entered it. Joey rued the day she became the apple of Dawson's eye. She was going to be a bad influence on him. With her drunken ways and New York mentality, she was definitely going to be his downfall.

"Alex," Katie stopped her. "First of all, I like Jen. Believe it or not, some of us do. Second of all, aren't you from New York? I'm sure not everyone has that 'mentality'... do you?" A triumphant smile played on Katie's lips.

"I'm not a slut," Alex pouted.

"Suuuure," Katie teased her. "And your boyfriend didn't dump you because he found you in bed with his best friend?"

"What are you talking about?" Alex asked nervously. "You know that didn't happen. Wait a minute, you know I haven't slept with anyone." I'm going to get even with you for this, Alex thought while Katie laughed haughtily. She continued typing.

Jen had stolen Dawson away from Joey and kept him away for about a month. Joey was livid. She turned to Pacey for help, even though she would have been too proud to admit it to him if he asked.

"Pacey, I have a problem," Joey announced to him one day.

"PMS?" Pacey questioned. Joey gave him a cold look.

"No," she said in a superior tone. "I knew I shouldn't have come to a cretin when I wanted to have a real conversation."

"Wait, Joey," Pacey said, "I'm sorry. Gee, what happened to us? We were friends when we were little, but then we started to always fight." Pacey felt tears spring to his eyes. "I miss you being my friend, Joey, and not just Dawson's friend." Joey saw the error of her ways.

"I miss you too, Pacey. I'm sorry!" He pulled her into a big bear hug.

"So it's Dawson, right?"

"What?"

"The problem you have is Dawson is attached to the hip to our little blonde friend. Don't worry, I'll fix it for you," Pacey gave his word. Later that evening, Joey and Pacey climbed into Dawson's window for movie night. Joey was steaming when she saw Jen already there. As they watched "As Good As It Gets", Pacey started to display symptoms of boredom. Finally, he just got up and shut the television.

"Why did you do that, man?" Dawson asked.

"I have a better idea. Let's play truth or dare."

"Okay," Joey said a little too quickly. "You in, Jen?"

"I guess so," Jen smiled stupidly, thinking wow! Joey is being nice to me. She accepts me!

"I guess I am too," Dawson grumbled.

"Okay, I go first. Dawson, truth or dare," Pacey said.

"Truth."

Damn, Pacey thought, he has to pick dare. Why is he so boring? "Okay, uh, have you ever thought about jumping Joey?" Joey looked at him with interest while Jen just gave him a mean look. He better say no.

"Well, I-- did once.... twice.... uh, a few times.... Jen, don't kill me. Pacey, truth or dare."

"Truth."

"Do you like anyone?" Pacey turned red.

"I sort of have the hots for a friend of mine...."

"Which one?"

"Josephine."

"That's silly, who's Joseph--" Dawson stopped and looked dumb-founded at Joey. "My Joey?" he roared.

"What do you mean your Joey? What about Jen?" Jen just sat by looking hurt. "Joey, truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"I was going to dare you to kiss Dawson, but now I dare you to kiss me."

"Hey!" Dawson blurted out. Pacey passed by the window to get to Joey when a freak lightening bolt shot through the window and zapped him. He was knocked unconscious by the shock. Dawson gasped. "Call 911! It will be okay, Jo, really. Come here." Dawson put his arms around her while Jen left to use the phone and gave her a kiss full on the lips.

That will fix her, Alex thought. I'll not only make the story Dawson and Joey, but I will kill Pacey off, too, so there will be no debating it.

"Wait, what's going on, here?" Katie had decided to actually start reading what Alex was writing in her boredom. She wasn't going to because she figured that whatever she wrote would just outshine Alex, but she was glad that she had read the last few lines.

"We are playing.... I'm mean they are playing Truth or Dare," Alex looked proud and smiled inside. She knew Katie was seething.

"That's the oldest plot in the book," Katie wrinkled her nose. "My turn to type." Alex yelped as Katie highlighted the part where Pacey got struck by lightening and deleted it. "All right," Katie said, tilting her head in a cliched sign of thought, "I think we will continue with something like this..."

Joey gave Pacey a strange look. "You want me to kiss you?" she asked incredulously.

Pacey grinned. "Why not?"

Joey thought about it. There wasn't a reason why she shouldn't kiss Pacey. I mean, come on, look at his sexy body! And those eyes and those lips. The more Joey thought about it, the more she realized that compared to Pacey the Great, Dawson was a chump. A monkey. A no-talent, brain-dead, piece of...

"Hey!" Alex said angrily.

"What?" Katie said, annoyed that Alex would dare interrupt her in her moment of brilliance.

"You're Dawson bashing!"

"So?"

"That's not fair!"

"Your point?"

"Well," Alex said, crossing her arms and sticking her lower lip out in a pout, "you're being mean and I'm gonna tell."

"Eat me."

"And since when did Pacey become 'Pacey the God'?"

"When was he ever un-Godlike?"

"He's not that great."

"He's all that AND a bag of chips AND a jar of pickles AND a package of bologna."

"Dawson could kick his ass any day."

"Only if his E.T. doll helped him."

Alex and Katie glared at each other, trying to stare each other down. They were out of their seats now, each poised to pounce. They circled each other menacingly until Katie broke the silence.

"This taking turns thing isn't helping. I'm gonna keep Dawson-bashing, and you might try to run Pacey through a meat-grinder. We're going to have to resort to plan B."

"Plan B?" Alex scratched her head. "We never plan things. We usually just piss in the wind and hope people like it."

"I know. I've never actually edited a story in my life. But now we have to outline a story."

"You're kidding."

"Afraid not."

"But that's so sixth grade English class."

Katie shrugged. "Drastic times call for drastic measures. And we need a set of ground rules."

"Lord help us..."

"Rule 1. No killing Pacey."

"Fine." I'll just maim him, Alex thought.

"I heard that."

"I didn't say anything!"

"Did I mention I can read minds aside from being the world's greatest fanfic writer, a model, AND number one in my class of 400?"

"Do you have a talk show?"

"No."

"Then you haven't done it all yet."

"Oh kiss my.." Katie started to say, but didn't finish. She just glared. "Rule two. Spell check."

"I can live with that."

"Rule three. Pacey and Joey end up together."

"That sounds...hey! No way!"

"Give it up, Alex, you know I always get my way."

"Not in this fic, sweetie."

"Whatever. Rule 4. Dawson is an egotistical diva."

"A lot like you, huh?"

"Yeah, except I'm cuter."

"You wish."

*****

Katie and Alex looked at the list of rules they had compiled. They were still fighting over rule number three, though. As soon as the other turned, one would cross out Pacey or Dawson's name and change it, and then congratulate herself for being so sly. Jen was not to be a drunken whore, Joey could only roll her eyes six times, Dawson's Speilberg obsession was suspicious, and Pacey had to be portrayed with the body of a greek god.

"Happy now?" Alex growled.

"No," Katie sniffed at her, "but when Joey and Pacey magically end up together I will be."

"We'll see about that," Alex sat down at the keyboard. She had an idea and smiled. She highlighted the game of truth or dare. She had to delete it, no matter how much it hurt to take her fabulous writing out. She felt like she had lost a part of herself, her Capeside part, the part of her playing with the gang and--

"Alex, stop doting and hit the damn delete button!"

"What? I didn't say anything..." Alex turned red.

"Mind reading ability," Katie cocked her head in a bored manner, "remember?" Alex ignored her and hit the button.

"The problem you have is Dawson is attached to the hip to our little blonde friend. Don't worry, I'll fix it for you," Pacey gave his word. Later that evening, Joey and Pacey climbed into Dawson's window for movie night. Joey was steaming when she saw Jen already there. As they watched "As Good As It Gets", Pacey started to display symptoms of boredom. Finally, he just got up and shut the television.

"Why did you do that, man?" Dawson asked.

"Because, Dawson, I have a surprise for you," Pacey answered. "I want you to meet somebody." Pacey called out the window and a blonde girl and dark haired boy who was a little older climbed into Dawson's room. "This is Andie and Jack McPhee. They're new in Capeside, here fresh from Rhode Island." Joey rolled her eyes. This was Pacey's brilliant idea? To make Dawson forget about Jen with another girl that still wasn't Joey?

"Um, pleased to meet you," Dawson said, clearly wanting to skip the introductions and get back to the movie. "We're watching 'As Good as it Gets'."

"Ooh," Andie said in a perky voice, "I don't know why but this movie always turns me on." Everyone except Pacey gave her a strange look and moved slightly away from her. "What? It makes me want to do it." A strange smile formed on Pacey's face as he made a space for her on the floor next to him. Jen, meanwhile, had not been able to take her eyes off of Jack. He was adorable, even though he was quiet. She couldn't wait to seduce him.

"Hey, hey, Jen isn't a ho, remember?" Katie interrupted.

"She hasn't done anything ho-like yet, it's still okay," Alex contradicted her.

"No fair bringing in new characters," Katie gave Alex an evil look. She knew what Alex was up to bringing Andie into the situation. Pacey would end up with Joey, no matter what Alex typed.

"Eh, that wasn't a rule," Alex said proudly, knowing she had gotten the best of Katie for the time being.

A short time later, Pacey had his arm around Andie. "You're cute, McPhee," he smiled his Cheshire grin at her that he often smiled. Andie blushed and rubbed her nose against his cheek. As Pacey watched the movie in obvious contentment, Andie let her eyes wander down to the opening of his shirt. The button was undone just enough so Andie could get a glimpse of his strong, glistening, heaving chest.

Jen watched Jack hungrily. His every move made her desire him more and more. She had to ditch Dawson. That would be easy, there was one more unattached female in the room who she could easily pry Dawson back away from if Jack wasn't interested. Jen laughed a little. Jack not be interested? Please. She wriggled out of Dawson's embrace and started to slowly and subtly move toward Jack McPhee.

Joey watched Jen out of the corner of her eye and realized Pacey may have done something correctly for once. Jen was obviously hot for Jack, that was clear. Dawson hadn't even cared that she had left his side. Joey decided it was time to make her move.

Andie started playing with Pacey's buttons. She fingered the cotton around them casually. He looked down at her curiously. He watched her until he saw Jen in Jack's lap out of the corner of his eye and whipped around.

"Come on, Jack, I'm a good girl. I've changed. If we can be alone, I can show you..."

"I just met you, Jen. You have a boyfriend. Don't you have any self respect?" Jack shifted uncomfortably.

"You're right," Jen suddenly sobbed. "Dawson, I'm sorry. I've got to try harder. I'll be good from now on."

Dawson wasn't paying any attention, however. Joey had crawled over to him and taken his face in her hands and pushed her lips to his. He drove his tongue into her mouth as the passion drove them both to lie down on the bed.

"Okay, my turn," Katie just snatched the keyboard away from Alex. This was getting ridiculous. Alex was not winning.

Pacey pushed Andie away, taking Jack's lead. "Have some respect for yourself, girl. I just met you, you're brother is in the room. STOP. Didn't you ever stop to think there may already be someone in my life?"

"Yeah, but she's kissing Dawson," Andie said in a snotty voice. Pacey turned around and frowned.

"Not for long," Jack said. He pulled them apart and looked into Dawson's eyes. "Dawson, you know this is not what you want. I see the Speilburg in your soul. I see who your love is really for, and it isn't for these harlots."

"You're right, Jack. Let's go into my closet and discuss our feelings." They smiled at each other and closed the door behind them as they walked into the closet.

"Oh, Jen, I guess I forgot to tell you Jack is gay," Andie shrugged.

"And apparently you made Dawson the same way," Jen growled at Joey. "You've ruined him now." Joey burst into tears, secretly blaming Jen for the turn of events, but not having the energy to fight with her. Pacey was there to comfort her.

"It's okay, honey. There's still someone here for you." As Joey looked into Pacey's eyes, Dawson and Jack came out of the closet together. Each used one hand to support the E.T. doll they carried between them.

"Katie!" Alex screamed. "Stop it!" She rushed over to highlight the entire section and get rid of it for good, but Katie tripped her during her frantic dash to the computer. Katie hit the save button.

"Too late," Katie said smugly.

"Okay, there is only one way to resolve this," Alex was almost in tears. "You cannot maim the characters this way. They're my friends, you can't talk about them like this and spread this slander!"

"Alex, you have been watching those videos you have of DC WAY too much. I think it's warped your mind."

"This is going to hurt me so much more than it's going to hurt you guys," Alex closed her eyes to the streams of water falling down her cheeks.

"I made a mistake, Jack. I'm sorry," Dawson said. "I don't know who I want. I don't know if I want you, Joey, Jen, or Speilburg. I'm so sorry to have led you on."

"I understand, Dawson. Thanks for telling me now. Just know one thing, I think I'm in love with you," Jack sniffled.

"Pacey," Joey said breathlessly.

"No, this is wrong," Pacey said. "You wanted Dawson a minute ago."

"Hmm, you're right," Joey frowned.

"And I kind of like Andie," Pacey admitted.

"I have an idea......" Jen smiled.

An hour later, clothes were scattered around the room as the six slept naked in each others' arms, except for Jack and Andie, obviously, because they are related. They breathed a sigh of content before Dawson's mother opened the door.

Katie's mouth dropped open. "Alex, that was disgusting. Alex... when did you get like this? This is disgusting."

"Dawson's supposed to marry me," Alex was still crying. "He was going to end up with Joey, but then meet me and leave her. Now look what you made me do to keep the peace." Katie looked at Alex's sullen expression and started to almost regret her diva ways.

"Wait, no I don't!" Katie yelled. "Alex, what the hell is the matter with you?"

"It's really the perfect ending," Alex explained. "It follows all the rules. No one killed Pacey, or even maimed him for that matter. Jen isn't a drunken whore, Joey didn't roll her eyes more than six times, Dawson's Speilberg obsession is very suspicious, and Pacey was portrayed with the body of a greek god. Dawson thinks he has a choice of all those people and is still an egotistical diva. We can run spell check now, and rule three has both Pacey and Dawson ending up with Joey. It's perfect."

Katie opened her mouth to argue, but she found she had nothing to say to fight with that logic. "You're right. Wow, okay, so once I put my name on it, it's perfect. Okay. Katie has a new fanfic."

"Katie and Alex," Alex pointed out.

"Katie's 'The Greatest Story Ever Told' really is the greatest story ever told," she smiled, a tear in her eye.

"And Alex's Greatest Story!" Alex protested. Katie paid no attention.

"This will become a classic, an innovative, wonderful, Katie worthy classic."

"And Alex! Alex's classic too!"

They continued bickering until Alex accidentally deleted the whole thing and hit the save button again, losing the entire mess, which was lucky for all other fanfic lovers who got spared of reading it.

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