TITLE: Attack of the blonds.

AUTHOR: Kelly Rowe

RATING: PG-14

DISCLAIMER: Buffy, Angel and all other characters (except those I make up) are the absolute property of Joss Whedon, Fox, UPN, Mutant Enemy and Warner Bros (If I owned them, the events of Buffy season 4 or most of season 3 wouldn't have occurred).

SUMMARY: Angel does Jerry Springer.

SPOILERS: Everything and nothing.

TIMELINE: Season 6 BTVS and Season 3 ATS.

DISTRIBUTION: You want you can have it; just tell me where you put it.

PAIRING: Buffy/Angel

CATEGORY: Silly fic. BTVS/ATS/Jerry Springer x-over.

NOTES: Riley, Kate (slight), Fred (slight) and Darla bashing. Silly fic.

The scene opens to a crowded room with the people applauding. Jerry Springer walks down the centre isle towards a camera.

JERRY: Hi and welcome to the show. Today we have Fred, who just happens to be desperately in love with her boss, Angel. The problem with this all is… Angel doesn't even realise that she exists because he's still nuts over a girl from his past.

FRED: Hi Jerry.

JERRY: Why don't you tell us what's going on?

FRED: Okay, I work for a detective agency and Angel owns it. He's just so smart, sexy and sensitive. The best part is he's saved my life heaps of times… I guess it was natural that I'd fall for him.

JERRY: Did it hurt?

FRED: Did what hurt?

JERRY: The fall. Audience laughs and Fred seems confused. In the audience Cordy, Wes and Gunn are sitting.

FRED: Not really. Anyway I talked to Cordy…

JERRY: Cordy?

FRED: She works there too. She said that Angel doesn't notice me because I'm not a blonde, like all the others in his past. I want to know if it's Kate or Darla?

JERRY: He has two blondes?

FRED: Yeah.

JERRY: Well then, let's bring them out. Here's Kate and Darla.

Both Kate and Darla (who is monstrously pregnant) come out and sit down.

KATE: Hi Jerry.

DARLA: Who's Jerry?

Crowd boos Darla and Jerry is offended.

JERRY: So Fred who do you think is the blonde Angel's nuts over?

FRED: I don't know. That's kinda why I'm here.

KATE: It's definitely not me, Jerry. Angel and I barely tolerate each other.

DARLA: It's me. I am after all the mother of his child.

Darla sits there rubbing her large stomach, while the audience boos. Suddenly an audience member stands.

CORDY: No way you skank. The blonde love of Angel's life was Buffy.

Wesley grabs Cordy and makes her sit down.

KATE and FRED: Who's Buffy?

DARLA: Ignore her, it's me who is the love of his life. I made him who he is.

JERRY: Well, let's clear this up. Here's the man in question… Angel.

The audience cheer as Angel takes the stage and sits down; he has a confused look on his face.

JERRY: Hi Angel. Welcome to the show.

ANGEL: Thanks Jerry.

DARLA: Tell them it's me.

ANGEL: What's you?

DARLA: That I'm the love of your life.

ANGEL: But you're not.

Darla bursts into tears. From the audience Cordy starts to chant Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.

KATE: Can I go now?

ANGEL: Kate? What are you doing here?

KATE: No idea. I just wanted the free trip.

Cordy's chant has caught on; the entire audience (except Gunn and Wes) is chanting Buffy, Buffy, Buffy.

ANGEL: What is going on?

FRED: What's a Buffy?

JERRY: Let's find out.

Buffy come on out. Audience cheers as Buffy walks out. Buffy spots Darla and faints.

ANGEL: Buffy!

Angel rushes over to his beloved. Jerry stands back and lets the others do their work. A minute later Buffy wakes up.

JERRY: Hi Buffy. Is that your real name?

BUFFY: Yes.

JERRY: I'm so sorry.

Buffy looks at Darla suspiciously, then turns to Angel.

BUFFY: I thought that you got rid of that skanky ho.

ANGEL: I did, but an evil law firm brought her back.

BUFFY: And what? You couldn't just get rid of her again?

Cordy stands up again.

CORDY: No, he's too stupid too.

Wes and Gunn wrestle her down.

BUFFY: Hi Cordy.

ANGEL: I am not stupid.

BUFFY: I agree with Cordy. You're stupid.

ANGEL: Why?

BUFFY: Because you left me.

ANGEL: Buffy, I left *for* you.

BUFFY: No, you got scared and you ran. You left because you were a chicken.

ANGEL: I'm sorry.

BUFFY: I don't know why I still love you.

ANGEL: If it helps... I love you too.

Cordy stands up and cheers. Buffy and Angel kiss much to Fred and Darla's dismay. Spike runs out from back stage and attacks Angel.

BUFFY: Spike! What in hell do you think you are doing?

SPIKE: The big poof doesn't deserve yer.

BUFFY: Let him go.

Spike lets Angel go when Steve and the other security guards rush up.

ANGEL: Back off Spike. Buffy and I are eternal.

JERRY: Who is Spike and why is he out here?

BUFFY: Spike is a pain in the (BEEP) who hangs out with my friend's and me back home. He has a little crush on me.

SPIKE: It's not a crush.

JERRY: Okay, what is it?

SPIKE: I love her with all my soul.

BUFFY: You don't have one.

Buffy moves closer to Angel and away from Spike. Darla gets mad.

DARLA: How can you do this to me Angel? I'm carrying your child.

Buffy looks back from Angel to Darla.

BUFFY: You slept with the skank?

SPIKE: Yes!

Fred and Kate sneak away. Cordy watches as Buffy prepares to kill Angel.

ANGEL: Well, you slept with the Fishboy.

BUFFY: Hey, he was only ugly and pathetic. Not a skanky ho like bitca-brain here.

ANGEL: Point taken.

DARLA: Point taken. I am not a ho, I am the mother of your child.

A man in the audience stands up and Jerry rushes a microphone over to him.

LINDSEY: It's not Angel's baby… it's mine.

DARLA: Lindsey shut up.

LINDSEY: She's just blaming Angel because she's evil.

Darla bursts into tears again and runs off stage. Buffy and Angel kiss.

SPIKE: I give up. Maybe Dru will take me back if I beg.

BUFFY: I love you my Angel.

ANGEL: I love you too.

Angel leans over to Buffy and whispers something in her ear that makes her smile. Jerry looks at his vacant stage.

JERRY: So I guess you two are together?

ANGEL: Forever.

JERRY: Okay, I'll move into my final thought.

Jerry walks over to his special place.

JERRY: I'm confused. I thought blondes and bed hopping was fun, but all it does is cause guests to leave my stage. I'm going home to rest and take an aspirin. Until next time take care of yourselves and each other.

THE END