Doug - Tanya = Nothing?
    You really wouldn't know it by looking at them, but Doug and tanya are no longer seeing each other. Although the dynamic duo are often seen eating together, walking together and kissing each other, they are not going out. Wait, scratch that last part, those are old notes. Why in the hell am I writing this?

Where has Doug gone?
   I was sitting in the cafeteria the other day eating a bowl of instant noodles when I realized, "Hey, Doug's not here." I got to thinking about it and then I realized that he's been gone for quite some time. Where did he go? Dpes anybody else really care? I certainly hope so because I would like to have any tip avliable in helping to find him. If you have any information, please contact me. Especially if your name is Tanya.... I would like to know if all the "Tanya"s out there are okay or if they've "mysteriously" died.

This First Edition
   Hi, Mira Tan here with the first edtion of the Smoking Area Gossip Page. From here on out, or at least while Doug is off finding "Tanya," (pointless cause, he'll never find her, he can't find his toes), I'll be printing this sheet once a week to keep you up on who's hot and who's not at Rutland High.

Hot: Doug. Though I don't know why. Ellen keeps asking me, "why do you think he's hot?" And all I can say is "Why do you think he's not?" To which she replies "Because he's my brother." To which I reply "That didn't stop you with your dad." To which she replies "Are you spreading that stupid rumour again? It goes around faster than the hep." To which I say "Gotta spread something." Anyways...

Not: (tie) Nerdy Ned, who can be found most lunches in the school cafeteria. Yuck
Transexual Tracey: She/he is not living under the Golden Arches of a local fast food joint. It can be found spreading something everyday at 3:30pm. I'll leave that one to your imagination.

The Last Edition
   This will be the last posting on the "Gossip Page" for quite some time. You see, now that Principle Rosenbaum has "expelled" me from school, I will have no access to the paper, nor the printing presses. In fact, the principle told me that if I so much as set foot on school grounds, he'll expell me again. Nice threat, Rosenbaum.
    However, if you're really itching for the drama of Rutland High, Mira Tan can be found in the smoking area most times of the day. With thorough knowledge of most of the sluts of the school, she'll be more than happy to keep you informed. TTFN.
    Of you would like to make a donation to the Doug Cooper legal fund, please drop off money at 714 Washington Road, Rutland, OH. When I get enough money pooled, Slutty Susie will be the last of the principle's worries.

Billy Brown taken hostage by Hamas
  One of his worst nightmares come true, Billy Brown, Rutland, Ohio, was taken hostage by Hamas last week, the group fighting for the liberation of something. but when they found out that he wasn't jewish or rich, they set him free in the Mediterranian. A few days later he washed up outside of Haifa, Israel.
     Billy is currently working on a kabbutz in the Golan Heights because he had no real purpose here in Rutland. He's scheduled to come back sometime in December.

Where in the world Is Tanya?
    The mysterious disappearance of Tanya has led many to wonder where the hell she is. To answer that question, I sat and thought long and hard. The only thing I can conclude is that she's dead, and we should leave the dead lie. Furthermore, who are we to tell Tanya where she should and should not be? After all, she might be perfectly happy where she is right now, whether she still has all her hair or not.
     The bottom line is this: Tanya is missing and we should all stop looking for her. There are much more important things in this world. Like not looking for Tanya. (contributed by Mira Tan)

Season 1 Gossip

Tanya and Mira found dead
    Tanya and Mira were found dead in the woods earlier this week. Mira was laying on the side of a rock, one hand full of chestnuts and the other clenching a twinkie wrapper. Tanya was found smiling. Wait, that's MY fantasy.

Liz & Joan: friends?
   After they were "exiled" from the wedding, Liz and Joan met up outside and got to talking. Here's what we didn't see:

Liz: There you are. I still didn't get to beat you with my bag of nickels yet.
Joan: I have a 57 in my purse with your name on it.
Liz: A 57 ouncer?
Joan: Is there any other kind?
Liz: Our kids are pretty messed up, aren't they?
Joan: Although I don't use words like "messed up," they sure are.
Liz: I think we could get to be friends.

    Then, straight out of a scene from "XXX All Star Girls in G-Strings," they made wild passionate love, according to transsexual Tracy who was sitting on a overpass by the church.
What's it with Tracy and lesbian porn? And another thing- that's FUCKING disgusting. She's my mother for god's sakes.

Can Ellen love Chet?
   In a surprizing turn of events, Chet has turned his attention to Ellen instead of Mira whom he was so hung up on. It all came about when Ellen went into the boy's locker room to tell chet that he and Mira were kaputt. Chet then dragged Ellen stall. From there, as told by tramssexual Tracy who happened to be looking through a peephole in the next stall, he and Ellen made wild passionate love in a scene reminicent of "XXX All Star Girls in G-Strings."
    But the question remains, can Ellen love Chet? She is best friends with Mira, and that could certainly put a damper on an relationship. But Ellen is ammoral as a rat, so nothing is for sure. In a quick interview outside of Ellen's bedroom, she said, "How the hell do you know about this? If you print anything about this in that fucking newspaper of yours, I'll rip your dick off."
Ellen, dear, you have to catch me first.

Sue is A-OK
   To those of you concerned, Sue is okay after being knocked unconscience in the gym the other week. She is said to have waken up as the janitor was trying to buff the floor around her and accidently sucked up some off her hair. Dazed and disoriented, she stumbled out of the school and was escourted home by transsexual Tracy. On the way, the stopped to make wild passionate love in a scene straight out of... hey, I'm not falling for that one again.
    Sue is currently staying in the Rutland County Hospital. If you wish to sign a get well card for her, come down to the guidance counseillor and stand in the "non-creepy" line.

Doug's facelift
   In the coming weeks, people will start to notice a change in the appearance of Doug (well, me). It all stems from the fact that I'm undergoing a new beauty regiment every morning. I start by a quick wash with Dove (three quarters mositerizer, you know) then I exfoliate with a luffa spounge. After that I use Ponds skin cream (which burns like a bitch because the exfoliation causes hundreds of minor cuts and scrapes), wash that off with Dove again, then use Spectro jell to kill all the bacteria off my face. The results? A bigger nose, a smaller mouth and green eyes instead of my old blue ones. I hope nobody makes fun of me.

Amanda says yes?
    After cold-heartedly turning Ryan down when her proposed a few weeks ago, Amanda finally says yes, according to our sources. A personal friend of Amanda (ie- her diary) was reported as saying "I wish I wouldn't have turned him down that day. I don't even know why I did. Maybe he's reached the limit with my short attention span. I have a growth on my back that's worrying me. I saw Titanic again the other day, I'm a sucker for Celine Dion. She did have to gain alot of weight to take that part though, and lose her Quebecoise accent."
    As we were reporting, Amanda does regret her decision. Without Ryan, better are speculating that she'll end up on welfare by June, living in a trailer under the highway overpass. Odds are 3-2 right now, and starting bets are $10.

Tanya on crack?
    A recent incident in Rutland High has everybody asking- is Tanya on crack? When Billy asked her if she want to snort some "candy" sugar, she appeared well too knowlegable on how to do it.
    We tried to interview her for this arcticle, but she declined, saying "Whatever drug problem I do or do not have is none of your business. Now dinner's at eight. We're eating at the restaurant across from Mira's house. Be there or I'll kill you."
    But an insider says that Tanya is indeed on crack, not to mention some other drugs that the Rutland School Board will not allow us to mention.
    "I've seen Tanya doing pot before- be we all know that's just kiddie's stuff," the informant said from his car in the smoking area, "A few weeks ago she came to me looking for something harder. She said that this time she wanted to feel it."
     And feel it she did. As classmate Ellen Cooper wrested her to the ground, the crack pipe became loged in Tanya's nose, causing her to scream in pain. She's currently taking it easy, plotting ways to kill Mira Tan.

Is Ellen Gay?
    Is Ellen Cooper gay? This is the question many at Rutland High are asking. Not only is she resisting the advances of Billy Brown- the only male who has ever shown interest in her, but brother Doug Cooper recently found a stack of Sears catelougues hidden underneath her bed.
    In an impromptu interview, Ellen insisted that they were for her class project- comparing styles of today to styles from 20 years ago. But we know the truth.

Why was Billy in Juvie?
   It's no secret that Gay-Ellen's boyfriend Billy Brown was in juvie- but what for is the mystery. If you have any information, e-mail us. This story is very impotant to the well being of the school. Together, we will discover the truth.

Is Doug illitarite?
  The declining quality of The Rutland Panther Press has everybody wondering, is editor Doug Cooper illiterate? Let me take this space to let everybody know: I may be stupid, ugly, fat, ugly, stupid and illiterate, but I am not illitarite. Now piss off.