Kid didn't know what to think or how to act as he left the station.  He felt bad about leaving Lou still upset, but he knew he had to get out of there, to think by himself.  Instinctively, he rode straight towards the pond and sat beneath what Lou laughingly called his "thinking tree".  Of course, he thought with a small guilty smile, he'd done a heck of a lot more beneath this tree than just think--most of it with Lou.

Why would he suddenly pop back into my life after all these years? It had been almost twelve years since Kid had heard or seen John Travis and at that last time, Kid had sworn he'd kill the man if he ever saw his face again.  He'd spent the last twelve years picking up the pieces and forgetting all about Travis.  Kid had even gone so far as to refuse his own family name because of the possible implications.  Travis was a drunkard, a gambler, a murderer, and a brute.  He'd made Kid's whole family dependent upon him and then run away when they'd most needed him.  John Travis had taken his mother's youth, health, and finally her sanity away from her and left her a fragile wreck of a woman barely able to register reality.  In the end, she'd preferred her dream world of days gone by when she was a beautiful Southern belle and Travis her charming suitor.

Kid remembered entering his mother's room one day towards the end of her life.  He was fifteen and had just returned from a long day at the mill--his day job that started at six in the morning.  He had one hour to check in on his mother and feed her before he had to report to the saloon for the evening where he cleaned and washed dishes until midight.

She was lying in bed, his grandmother's quilt wrapped tightly around her to keep out the fall chill.  Her red hair that had once been her pride and joy had long ago lost its lustre and lay limp and tangled across the stained pillow case.  She was painfully thin and getting thinner, her collar bones sticking out like the stick arms of a scarecrow, her skin gray and foretelling of her imminent death surer than a Gypsy's cards.  Kid remembered lying awake at nights, her aspect in his head, and praying that God would just let her die, that He'd finally end all the suffering she'd endured so quietly.  She looked up as he entered.

"Mama, I brought ya some soup," he'd said with a false brightness.  "Mrs. Miller made it so ya know it's gonna be good."

He placed the small bowl of mostly broth their neighbor had self-righteously given him that morning.  He walked to the window and pulled the faded curtains closed against the chill that constantly seeped through the cracks in the frame.  Since his father had disappeared, Kid and his mother had been forced to live primarily upon the mercy of strangers and neighbors looking to do good deeds in an effort to save their own souls.  However, their good works did not mean kindness and more often than not, Kid was forced to knock upon their doors in a desperate attempt to gain table scraps in order to feed his mother the pitifully poor amount he could.

Jed had left to try and find work somewhere else shortly after the men had tried to oust the family from their home.  The land and few animals had gone to others in an effort to pay back the monstrous debt that loomed over their heads like the angel of death.  The only reason Kid and his mother lived in the two-room shack he and Jed had been born in was basically because no one else wanted to live there or expend the energy to demolish it.

Kid turned back to the bed to find his mother struggling to sit upright, her eyes bright and feverish.  "John, is that you?" she asked, panting slightly from the effort of righting herself.  "Where've you been?  I've waited for you all day."

Kid sat heavily on the bed and was rewarded with a painful groan from the frame.  Luckily it held another day as he closed his eyes tightly against the tears that threatened.  She doesn't remember again, he thought wearily.  She thought Kid was him and that one name angered him beyond all measure.  He clutched his hand into a tight fist, his nails digging into the rough skin of his palms as he struggled desperately to control the anger and hatred that consumed him at the memory of the name.  "No, Mama," he finally said, his voice tight, "it's Kid.  Remember--your son?"

She shook her head briefly as if to clear it.  "Oh, my.  Kid, what time is it honey?  I'd best get up and get dinner on 'fore your pa gets home," she muttered making feeble movements as if to leave the bed.

"Pa ain't here, Mama and he ain't gonna be here!  He's been gone for five years now.  If he wanted to be here he woulda come back a long time ago."  It was the same routine he'd gone through every day for the past two years--ever since the morning she'd woken up and said she'd heard Jed crying in his cradle.  He told her the same thing every day at least twice a day, sometimes more.

Her face screwed up, her lower lip trembling, her hands fluttering nervously against her breast and Kid felt like an ogre for snapping at her.  He hadn't meant to be harsh but he was tired and weary from the day and the hundreds of thousands of days he'd had just like them.  It wouldn't be long before he'd totally snap he knew but he prayed she'd pass on before that day.

"I'm sorry, Mama," he sighed.  Kid leaned forward and brushed a light kiss against his mother's forehead.  This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.  But it's the way things were and he didn't have time to sit and think about what could have been.  He reached for the bowl and spoon on the table beside the bed.  "You think you can eat somethin' before I head out?"

She soundlessly accepted three spoonfuls, Kid blowing on the thin soup to cool it before offering it to her.  "Do you remember that day we went on that picnic along the river, John?" she asked softly with a happy reminiscent smile.  "I had Sadie tell Mama and Daddy I had a headache and didn't want to be disturbed so I could sneak out to meet you.  We met in old man Carrington's south field, you remember and I wore that lovely green lawn with the yellow flowers--your favorite dress.  That was the day you proposed you know."

The day in question had occured over twenty-five years ago Kid knew, and he was again faced with the question of how to respond.  Should he lie to her, pretend to be the man she thought he was, and make her happy briefly?  Or should he try to correct her knowing she'd forget again within another five minutes?  He wiped at a drop of soup that had fallen onto her nightgown.  "I remember," Kid said softly deciding to bring the woman whatever small happiness he could.

"Kid looks so much like you," she went on aimlessly.  "He's gonna be a heatbreaker when he grows up, but I know he'll be a good man.  I just hope the good Lord brings him a good girl to settle down with.  I know I ain't gonna live to see that day.  Oh, I ain't afraid to die, John and I ain't holdin' nothin' against ya.  Drink does different things to different men.  It was always the drink that made ya do those things, say those things.  It's the drink.  It's just the drink."

Her voice began to falter and Kid could tell she was losing her strength rapidly.  He set the bowl down and helped her ease back down onto the pillow.  He pulled the quilt up and tucked it firmly around her frail body saying nothing.

She continued to speak weakly her voice fading in and out.  "Don't care what ya do...just come back to me...love you, John," she whispered.

"Shh," Kid hushed her.  "Go to sleep.  I'll be here when you wake up."  He brushed a final kiss on her cheek as she slipped off to sleep again.  Quietly, he'd left the room to change before going to work at the saloon.

She'd called for Travis up until the day she died.  She'd died thinking Kid was still a baby and Travis was coming for dinner.  Kid for his part had wished fervently that Travis had just died instead of disappearing without a trace.  Somehow it would've been so much easier to deal with everything if he'd died and there'd been a funeral.  He'd spent the last few years trying to bury his past, to bury the white trash urchin whose father and brother'd run off and who'd had to work two and three jobs sometimes just to feed himself and his ailing, crazy mother.  Throughout the long, lean, cold years, Kid had hated John Travis but when that hate threatened to overwhelm him, he'd released it because it was an impossibility that he'd ever track him down all the way out in Sweetwater and later Rock Creek.  Now, the spectre had returned and so had much of his original hate and disgust for it.  If he never saw John Travis in this life, it would be too soon and he couldn't be held responsible for his actions.

Feeling more in control of himself now, Kid glanced at his pocket watch and decided he'd better head back to the station and apologize to Lou.  When they'd officially gotten back together, shortly after Doritha's death, it had been with the provision that they'd be totally honest with each other about what they were feeling and thinking.  Kid couldn't share this with Lou though.  He understood how much it took her to trust him so completely, but this was the one part of his life he didn't want to share with her.  He wanted to hold onto the memories, hold onto the anger as a symbol of what he'd come through to be the man he was, a symbol of what he didn't want to be as a husband and father.

He'd been so lost in thought as he approached the waystation that he almost missed the figure that rushed from the shade of the porch.  He was too far away to see who it was but he knew it had been a man.  The other figure he knew better than his own as his finacee.  She watched the other man briefly before turning to watch Kid and Katy approach.  As he pulled up into the yard he could see the timid look on her face as if she expected him to snap at her or something.  She could hardly look up at him as he dismounted and his heart broke as he saw the evidence of her tears.

There was about two feet of space between them.  "Lou?" he said softly, willing her to look up.

Lou couldn't resist the pleading in his voice, the way his voice cracked slightly as he said her name.  Looking up at him she read the apology and hurt in his eyes and as usual it spoke to her more than any words he could say.  Lou made a soft sound somewhere between sob and sigh and launched herself into his arms, wrapping her own arms around his neck tightly and knocking his hat backwards off his head.

Kid held her tightly to himself, his arms almost wrapping double around her waist.  He buried his face in her neck thankful that she'd forgiven him, again.

"I'm sorry I snapped...."  "I'm sorry I pried...." they said simultaneously.

They pulled back smiling at each other.  "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want, Kid," Lou said.

Kid's hands cradled her face, his thumbs brushing away a few stray tears.  "There I go makin' you cry again," he said with a soft half-laugh.  "Everyone's gonna think I beat ya or somethin' if this keeps up.  I don't want to keep secrets from ya Lou, I really don't, but this one...I just can't yet.  Be patient with me, okay?"

She nodded.  "Okay," she said smiling as her hand closed around his wrist, her thumb stroking the back of his hand gently.  "Well, you'll be happy to know that I finally got the dress and you're just gonna have to wait until the wedding to see it," she teased.

"Oh, really," he replied, arching an eyebrow and grinning mischievously.  "I bet I can get you to let me have a sneak peek."  His hands left her face and he reached for her.

Lou backed up a step holding her hands out defensively.  "Don't even think about it Kid.  You're gonna have to wait like a good little boy," she warned.

He stepped closer again his hands darted in to tickle her but were deflected by her own.  He tried again unsuccessfully.  "Think about what, Louise? Can't I get just a little peek, please."

"No, and you know what about--about tickling me."  She watched him warily, slapping at his hands again with a small squeal.  "Don't," Lou giggled.

Kid sighed and rolled his eyes in defeat.  "Fine," he said throwing up his hands.  Suddenly he brought them down and lunged at her grabbing her around the waist and hoisting her easily up onto one broad shoulder.

"Kid?!  Put me down," Lou begged, struggling.  She watched as the ground beneath her began to move and she realized he was carrying her somewhere.  "Where are you takin' me Kid?  Kid, you'd better put me down.  It ain't too late to call off the weddin' yet," she warned.

He adjusted her on his shoulder and walked into the bunkhouse.  Kid ignored Noah and Jimmy's raised eyebrows and grins as they walked in.  He kicked the door shut grinning as he strode toward his bunk, his boots thudding loudly against the wooden floor.  "You still want down?" he asked.

Lou looked up and caught the others' amused looks just before she heard their laughter.  The blood was rushing into her head making it hard to think, but she was sure this was one of the most embarassing positions she'd ever been in, hanging over Kid's shoulder like a sack of feed.  "Don't just sit there laughin' your heads off, you two!  Would you help me out here, please?  Kid, come on put me down, please," she said mortified.

"You sure?"

"YES!!"

"Okay."  With that he unceremoniously dumped her onto the bunk and stood looking down at her.  Lou looked up perturbed, her hair disarrayed around her flushed face.  "Do you still love me?" he asked.

"No and the wedding is off!" she exclaimed, her eyes narrowed in mock anger as she sat up and crossed her arms across her chest.  She caught Jimmy and Noah's concerned glances out of the corner of her eye.

But while she was distracted, Kid seized his chance and began tickling unmercifully.
"Tell me you love me," he demanded over her giggles.

"You love me," she replied facetiously only to be rewarded by more tickling.

"Tell me you love me," Kid insisted.

"No!"

"Tell..."

Lou was panting heavily, trying to get her breath as she laughed.  When the tears started, she couldn't take anymore.  "Okay, I love you!  I love you, now stop please," she begged.  "I can't breathe, Kid!"

Kid tossed his hat onto a nearby chair and collapsed width-wise onto the bed still chuckling to himself.  Lou lay curled next to him just trying to breathe.  "You oughta know better than to threaten, Lou," he said with a grin, "'cause I always call ya on it.  After all we been through to get here, ya know damn well this weddin's happenin' come hell or high water."

"You two keep this up and we'll make ya elope," Jimmy threatened from the table with a grin.  He and Lou exchanged secret smiles and he knew she was just playing with Kid's head.  After all Lou had been through, the doubts and the fears she had conquered, there was no way this wedding was getting called off.

"Ya bought the dress now," Noah said shaking his head in amusement.  "Looks like you're in it for the long haul, Lou.  'Course you could always marry someone else."

Lou giggled and sat up close to Kid's side crossing her legs with a smile as his hand wrapped around her back.  Ever since they'd broken the news to the others, the boys had all been constantly teasing her about dumping Kid and marrying one of them.  Cody had actually suggested she do like that woman back in Sweetwater who'd had six or seven husbands and marry them all.  "The wedding may be happening come hell or high water but that don't mean that the wedding night will," she replied smoothly.

"My, oh my," Noah chuckled.  Kid sat straight up, his eyes wide in shock that she was teasing him so openly but mostly in fear that she'd follow through with her threat.  Lou merely smiled sweetly at him.

"All right, all right," Jimmy said waving a hand.  "Any more of that and Noah here's gonna help me carry you two outside and dump ya in the trough."   He watched with a slight twinge of jealousy as Kid pulled Lou down to sit between his thighs, placing his chin on her shoulder.  Jimmy was truly happy that the two of them had finally come this far, to the point of marriage, but he wasn't used to all this open flirtation and teasing yet.  His own feelings for Lou still had a tendency to break through the walls he'd put around them and watching them was a little like seeing constant reminders of someone you were trying to forget.  "So who was that you was talkin' to on the porch, Lou?" he asked changing the subject.

Kid could feel Lou tense in his arms.  "Just a friend," she said vaguely.  "Nobody special."

"Must be a pretty new friend 'cause he sure didn't look familiar to me," Noah piped up.

"Lou, who was he," Kid asked suddenly serious, his blue eyes darkening. There's somethin' she don't wanna tell me, he thought.  He hated the jealous note he heard in his voice but couldn't help it.  A sudden tension filled the room as Lou disentangled herself from his arms and stood.  She crossed to the stove and poured herself a cup of coffee still not answering the question.  "Lou," he growled, "tell me that wasn't John Travis you were talkin' to.  Please tell me it wasn't him."

Lou's jaw tightened defensively.  "He's a nice man," she insisted.  "He just lent me his handkerchief and we started talkin'.  I figured one of us should remember the good manners we were born with andthank him for the wedding gift."  She sipped her coffee before setting the mug on the table and crossing her arms.  "And since when do you have the right to tell me who to talk to?"

"Oh, boy here we go again," Jimmy muttered.

"Ah, Jimmy," Noah said, "don't we have somewhere else to be?"

Hickok was too busy watching the couple who'd been so happy two minutes ago stare hotly at one another.  Kid was scowling, his jaw hard and unbending, his hnads twitching slightly as he struggled to contain his anger.  Lou merely stood stubbornly challenging the Kid with her eyes.  He was brought out of his brief reverie by Noah's elbow in his side.  "Huh?" Jimmy asked.

Noah stood and grabbed his hat.  "I said don't we have somethin' important to do in the barn, Jimmy?"

"Oh, yeah.  We'll just..."  He gestured toward the door but his two friends ignored him and Noah as they left.  The two riders just prayed that the bunkhouse would still be standing after the battle as they retreated outside.

The closing door was like some sort of unconscious signal and as soon as it shut Kid exploded.  "I can't believe you, Lou!" he shouted.  "You talked to him, entertained him even after you knew how I felt."

"Well I didn't do it just to tick you off, Kid," she shouted back.  "It had nothin' to do with you.  I was just bein' nice.  How was I supposed to know how you felt?  You never told me, just said you didn't wanna talk about it and left!  How is it you expect me to share every part of my life with you, but you don't have to share anythin' with me?"

"What's between me and Jack Travis ain't got nothin' to do with you, Lou.  Why can't you for once just do like I ask?"

Lou stepped closer to him until she was right under his nose.  "It's got everythin' to do with me!  Last time I looked I was the woman you said you wanted to marry.  You promised, and made me promise I might add, that there'd be no more secrets between us, Kid, and here you are keepin' secrets from me!"

"You don't understand...."

"You're damn right I don't understand!" she shouted.  "Explain it to me then instead of just tellin' me to mind my own business.  I have told you everything about my life, the good and the bad because you asked.  I trusted you to keep those things secret I wanted kept.  What, you can't trust me with this is that it?"

Kid sighed.  "That ain't it.  It's just that Jack Travis is a part of my past that I buried a long time ago thinkin' that it'd stay buried.  He's the reason for all of the bad times me and Jed went through, why we were split up and why Mama died.  I hated him very much for a very long time.  When that hate started fillin' me up 'til I couldn't feel anythin' else, I let it go and started a new life."

Lou's anger had started to wane as she saw the haunted look in Kid's eyes as he spoke.  She was all too familiar with that feeling, that feeling that all the bad things and people from your past were just waiting in the wings to gang up on you and take away whatever happiness you'd managed to find.  "And now he's here in Rock Creek," she said, her voice quieter and filled with similar memories of a time when her own buried past had resurfaced.  "And it's like you're going through it all over again."

"Yeah, you could say that," he replied.  The anger had drained from him and he sat at the table with a deep sigh, running his hands through his hair distractedly.

Lou gingerly settled herself on his lap and hugged him tightly, hoping her presence brought some measure of comfort.  He returned her hug, burying his face in her neck, her soft fragrance calming his scattered nerves.  "I promise you I'll tell you everythin' Lou just as soon as I deal with it all myself, okay?  'Til then can you please just not see him?"

"Kid!  You're tellin' me what to do again!"

"Fine!  Just promise me you'll be careful," he said in exasperation, knowing he'd be lucky to get that much out of her.  Sometimes his fiancee was too independent for her own good.

She smiled at him.  "Okay, but I'll form my own opinion about the man one way or the other," she said.  "But I do promise to try not to be too impatient and rush you into tellin' me anythin' before you're ready.  Truce?"

Kid kissed her gently in response.  "Truce," he said.
 

Chapter 4