"You need anythin' else, Lou?" Noah asked, handing her a pillow to place behind her back.
Louise smiled up at the black man from her seat on the settee in Rachel's sitting room. Buck, Ike, and Noah had been waiting for them when Jimmy drove the buckboard into the yard. They'd welcomed her with open arms, even gushing about the baby, and doing their best to show they'd forgiven her and that she was welcome. Now, Lightning had been settled comfortably in his old stall and the others were over at the bunkhouse getting supper ready while Louise had retired to the house to feed Lexi in private. "No thanks, Noah," she replied. Lou shifted the baby in her arms. "We'll be fine. I'll be back over in about twenty minutes or so after he's done."
"Ya know, we missed you around here," he said, chicking her under the chin affectionately. "It's good to have you back home." Noah began to leave but paused at the door, turning to give her a curious look. "Are ya gonna tell him?"
"Tell who what?" Lou asked innocently.
"Tell Kid about his son. You can't hide it from him forever, Lou," Noah warned. "One look at that boy and he'll know."
Lou let out a short, derisive laugh. "Kid's always seen what he wants to see with me. He doesn't even know I'm back," she insisted, nervously. "He's engaged to Laura now anyway. Acknowledging Lexi would ruin his perfect world."
"No matter what happens," Noah said, "you're still family to us. No runnin' away this time okay?" He left, closing the door quietly behind him.
Lou waited until she was sure he was gone before settling back against the settee. She opened her blouse deftly with one hand and watched with a gentle smile as Lexi began to nurse contentedly. Lou stroked his smooth baby cheek as he suckled, humming a lullabye she remembered hearing Emma sing once. She heard a horse and rider enter the yard but ignored the sound in favor of the precious peace afforded her as she fed her baby. Probably Teaspoon comin' for dinner, she thought. The door opened suddenly and Louise looked up sharply at the interruption, her heart stopping completely.
*************************************************************************************************************
Kid found it strange that the waystation seemed abandoned as he pulled Katy to a stop. Usually someone was around doing chores or something. Of course he wasn't spending as much time there as he used to before the Express had died. After the station's last run, he'd found the old place held too many painful memories and reminders for him of what used to be. He'd officially been living in the rooms above Teaspoon's office for a year even though he was a frequent dinner guest at the Hunters'. Rachel was always asking him over, making sure he was eating like the mother hen she'd become, especially now that she was expecting. Since he'd come to ask a favor of Rachel for Laura, Kid figured he may as well take the former stationmistress up on her invitation and stay for dinner.
It was still a little early for Rachel to be fixing dinner in the bunkhouse, so he headed over to the white two-story farmhouse. Rachel's probably workin' on somethin' inside, he thought. He didn't bother knocking, but pushed the door open. "Hey Rachel," he called, walking in. "Laura wanted...to...."
Kid trailed off as he looked up. His heart surged painfully as he stared into the wide brown eyes that haunted his dreams. She was staring at him in fear and apprehension, clutching tighter to the baby nursing at her breast. For one moment, it was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. But then the memories of what happened rose up like thorn bushes between them. Whose baby is it? he thought. Before he could stop himself, Kid had taken several steps closer to look at the child.
As Kid neared, Lou's dazzled senses returned. She couldn't let him see the baby, not yet. She gently pulled Lexi from her breast and covered herself, lifting him to her shoulder, hoping he'd do the usual and snugle into her neck. The baby fussed, angry at having his dinner interrupted and picking up on Louise's agitation so that she was forced to give him all her attention to avoid one of his patented full blown howls. Lou didn't even know Kid had knelt next to her, staring at the child, until out of the corner of her eye, she saw his large finger lift to caress the baby's face.
Kid stroked the delicate ear, brushed away the wet tears that lay against the flushed cheek. He jumped slightly as the baby's eyes flashed open and he looked at Kid with interest. The eyes staring back at Kid were his own, unmistakably. "You're mine," Kid whispered tightly.
Lou heard Kid's awed whisper and it terrified her. She quickly shifted Lexi to her other shoulder and stood, pacing and jostling him gently to calm his fussings at the quick movement. "No, he's mine," she stated. "You-you're not his father. His father was a friend of mine by the name of Danny who I met up with after I left here."
"Stop lyin', Lou, 'cause I ain't heard a story so full of manure for a long time," Kid snapped. He pointed a finger at the baby. "That boy is a Travis through and through."
"Travis?" Louise asked, confused. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, it dawned on her--Travis was Kid's last name. "Y-you're goin' by your real name?"
"Just the last name," he admitted. "A lotta things changed after you ran off; I changed. I decided it was time to come clean, especially after Laura and I got together. She's the only one who knows my first or middle name and she don't use them all that much." The quick flash of pain in Lou's eyes was unmistakable and he knew she was thinking that he'd never shared his name with her. It almost felt good to know he'd hurt her even a fraction of the way she'd hurt him. However, the hurt in her eyes was gone when she turned back around to face him. A coldness he'd never seen before invaded the eyes that had always been so warm and loving.
A pang of hurt and jealousy shot through her and she turned her back on him for a few seconds so he wouldn't see. She squared her shoulders then as anger filled her at his veiled attempt to hurt her just for spite. She'd never give him the satisfaction of seeing her hurt, she decided as she turned back around. "You must really love her then," Louise said coldly, her eyes telling him that he'd lied to her when he'd said he loved her and that she'd never forgive him for it. "You never told me your real name when we were together. Of course, I never asked because it didn't matter to me what your name was. They were just words with no real meaning."
He hated that she thought he hadn't really loved her. Kid's pride smarted from the indirect and thinly veiled attack on the honor of his word. "I meant every single word I said to you, Lou," he replied, his voice soft as he struggled to contain his anger. "You have no idea what I went through after you ran off." Kid had just one question for her now. "Why?" he asked, taking his hat off and raking a hand through his sandy curls. "Why in hell did you come back now after all these months? If you came expectin' to start up...."
"Well, I sure as hell didn't come to see you!" Lou snapped. She turned abruptly and nearly fell into him because he'd walked to stand close behind her. Kid automatically reached a hand out to steady her, but she pulled away roughly. He was only worried about his son, she thought. "Rachel invited me but I'm startin' to think we woulda been better off in Denver. I didn't come to beg you to take me back or to ruin your life, which you found it so easy to go on with. I came back to start over again. I ain't expectin' anythin' from you as far as Lexi's concerned. You just marry your golden Laura Wilson and forget about us. We were doin' just fine before you and we sure as hell will do just fine afterwards."
"I am not gonna just forget about my son!" Kid yelled. "Why didn't you at least write to tell me about him? Don't you get any ideas about runnin' off with him now. I'm gonna be a part of his life and he will know his pa whether you like it or not. If you try to take him away, I'm sure I could get a judge to let Laura and me raise him. You owe me at least the chance to get to know him, Louise!"
At the mention of legal action, terror filled Lou's soul and she backed away a couple steps. She stared at the angry man before her with wide eyes. She'd known he'd be angry with her for not telling him about Lexi but she'd never thought he'd threaten to take her son away from her. Lou'd never thought the man she'd left would accuse her of being a bad mother. Kid had changed more than she'd ever expected and she now watched him warily, her eyes seeing a stranger wearing the face and demeanor of her first love.
Kid watched the terror well up in her dark eyes, totally stunned by his own words. God, how could he hurt her like that, how could he say such hateful things to Lou. In his mind he remembered the long hours they'd spent together talking, planning the future, and making love. He'd loved her so much and when he'd awakened that fateful morning and realized she was gone, he'd almost lost his mind. After Jimmy had read them her letter, Kid had been filled with so much guilt and anguish that he'd immediately gone out looking for her. Months later, he still hadn't found her or heard from her and he'd had to find a way to face life without her. Laura's friendship had helped so much during that time and when he'd decided to move on, it had only been natural that they'd fallen in love. Deep in Kid's heart, he'd had to assume that Louise McCloud was dead. But here she was holding the tiniest little being he'd ever seen, a perfect testimony to the love they'd once shared, and all the memories, all the hurt came flooding back, overwhelming him. Part of him longed to hold her and comfort her, to erase the haunted look in her eyes and bring back the dark lightning that had once flourished there but she'd hurt him so much.
Kid's heart softened slightly as her eyes suddenly clouded over with tears that refused to be pushed away. "Please," she whispered, "please don't take him from me. He and Tessa are all I've got left now."
The anguish in her voice was too much for him and he crossed to her, pulling her and the baby against his chest. One hand cupped her cheek, feeling the tears spill over her lashes, as he brought her face to his chest, burying his lips in her hair. She smells so good, Kid thought. "I'm sorry I said that, Lou," he apologized. "I swear I would never do that to you. You're his mama and I could never keep a baby from his mama. God, you carried him inside you for nine months, you change him, you feed him, you rock him to sleep. He knows your voice, your smell, the way you feel. He doesn't know me at all and I just wanna have a chance."
Being so close to Kid after so many months of just memories was almost too much for Lou. Her heart began to hammer inside her chest and she was supremely conscious of his warmth and smell, the two things along with his heartbeat bneath her cheek that she'd missed most about him, the things that had always moved her to her very core. She backed away from him, her eyes downcast and she realized that she'd been carrying on a conversation with him with her blouse still unbuttoned, the pale skin of her now fuller breasts pretty obvious as they swelled above the light corset she wore. Louise blushed in embarassment and clutched at her blouse with her free hand. "Um, would you mind holding him for a second?" she ventured almost shyly. He's seen you in less Louise, she chided herself.
Kid looked at her, sudden fear in his eyes. "I-I don't know how," he admitted, looking at the delicate bundle in her arms. "I'd drop 'im."
"Ain't no time like now to learn," Lou said, smiling at his nervousness. "You won't drop 'im." She passed Lexi to Kid, positioning Kid's hands in the right places. "Just watch his head. He still can't quite manage to hold it up by himself yet."
He took the child cautiously. "He's so little," he said in awe. A fierce wave of love and protectiveness came over Kid unlike anything he'd ever felt. The baby grabbed his finger and immediately puled it into his mouth to suck on it. My son. Kid thought in disbelief. I'm actually holding my son. Looking closer, he saw the child's features were actually a blend of his and Lou's, but Lou's traits were more subtle. Lexi had his mother's button nose, her delicate ears, the wide shape of her eyes. He had Kid's ye color, his mouth and chin, his stubborn jawline, all marking Kid as his father. I've missed so much, Kid thought, but I promise you I'll do anythin' to keep you safe. I don't even know his name, he realized. "What's his name, his full name?" Kid asked suddenly.
Lou finished tucking her blouse back into her skirt, looking up at Kid's question. "Kid Travis, meet your son Alexander James McCloud."
Kid winced guiltily at the McCloud part. "Where'd you get Alexander from?"
She smiled in reminiscence. "He was actually early and I didn't have any names picked out yet. So, Tanner--Tanner Korsacov, my boss in Denver--suggested Alexander. The James is obvious." Lou noticed, with a slight satisfaction, the way Kid's jaw tightened jealously at the mention of Jimmy's name. However, the emotion disappeared quickly.
Kid was surprised at the jealousy that flashed through him. He and Jimmy had patched things up long ago and kid had gone on with his life, but it still hurt to think about his friend's role in their breakup. ou're engaged to Laura, he reminded himself, you've got no right to be jealous. Instead, he focused on the baby and found himself choked up unlike he'd been in a long time. "He's beautiful, Lou," Kid said softly. "Ya done...real good with 'im."
Lou found herself choking back tears as she saw the adoration on Kid's face as he looked at his son. She knew she'd nver be able to part them. "Uh, maybe we can at least be civil to each other. I mean, can we just put aside what happened before between us?" she asked.
"I don't know," Kid admitted. "But I do know I want him to know me. I wanna be part of his life Lou, please."
She looked into his eyes, eyes that had looked at her with such love, longing and desire. The same eyes she'd caused the light to die in. In theback of her mind was the thought that once he married Laura Wilson, Kid could legally take Lexi from her if he were so inclined. But her fears had caused them all heartache before and she decided to ignore the ones she now felt. "I want Lexi to know his daddy," Lou admitted. "I'm sure we'll figure somethin' out between us. But I'm gonna have one rule."
"Which is?"
"You time with Lexi is spent either with you two alone, or with family. That means you, me, Theresa, Rachel, Teaspoon, and the boys," she said decisively. "I won't have your fiancee near my son confusing him."
"You gave up any rights to jealousy as far as I'm concerned when you snuck away that night without a word, Louise," Kid said harshly. "Whether you like it or not, Laura's gonna be family as of Jume when we get married. Besides, she'd never do anythin' to hurt Alex."
"I'm not jealous, I'm just bein' a good mother," Lou insisted. "Lexi and I could be seen as a threat to her future with you. She already hates me and I won't give her a chance to hate him."
The baby suddenly howled, startling Kid who looked to Lou worriedly. "What's wrong with 'im? What'd I do?" he asked, panicking slightly.
"Shh, sweetheart, I know," Louise cooed as she took the child from his worried father. "You're just mad 'cause Daddy interrupted your dinner, huh, baby?"
A picture of her nursing the infant popped into Kid's head unbidden and he felt a moment of pleasure at the thought as well as the sound of Lou calling him Daddy. Stop it, he told himself. Think of Laura! He blushed as he realized Lou was looking at him curiously. "Oh, gosh, I-I'm sorry. I-I was lookin' for Rachel when I came in and saw...well, when I came in. Laura wanted to borrow a couple platters for the engagement dinner Friday. Actually, why don't you com and bring Alex? It's for family and he is my son and, well, you are his mother."
Louise felt a coldness creep over her at the thought and retreated back behind the emotional barricades she'd re-erected recently around her heart. "No, I don't think that would be a good idea," she said hollowly. "Laura wouldn't appreciate her fiance's former lover and bastard child at the same table as decent folk."
Kid cursed himself mentally for the suggestion as he watched Lou close herself off tighter than the first day they'd met. Something had happened to cause her to wall herself off from people again, and Kid swore he'd find out what it was. Or is it just me she's tryin' to protect herself from?
"Who cares what people think?" he protested. "Surely not Louise McCoud--at least she never used to. Okay, so we made some mistakes and we;ve got a baby together. We can't change the past. And okay we've got a lot of things to work out that happened then and since but you will always, always be part of my family, Lou." For some reason it meant a lot to him to have her there. "Come, please," he pleaded. "I want you to come."
You're a fool, Louise. "kay, I'll come to the dinner," she sighed unable to resist the pleading in his eyes, as usual. "But if things start gettin' hot, I'm leavin'."
He smiled at her. "Good. I'll just go find Rachel and let you two get back to what you were doin'," Kid said, heading for the door. He paused, his hand on the knob and turned back to her. "Lou."
"Yeah," she answered softly.
"I'm glad you're safe. Maybe...maybe we can find out way to bein' friends again?" he asked hopefully. "Just 'cause I moved on, don't mean I stopped carin'."
Lou didn't answer but walked to stand before the window and stared out
at the gray winter day. Shortly, she heard him leave, shutting the
door softly behind him. She let the tears course silently down her
cheeks, not caring that he could probably see them as he turned to look
at the window on his way to the bunkhouse. It was as bad as she'd
thought it would be. Nothing had really changed in his heart since
she'd left. Somehow, she'd thought her leaving would change things
and she'd return to find him thankful she was alive and more in love with
her than ever before. Again, he'd moved on and she was still in love
with a man who didn't love or want her.
