Touch

Touch
by L B

Memories, tiny images stored in my mind. Pieces of my past locked away like priceless treasures. You know most people believe it's the sense of smell that triggers the most potent memories, the full smell of fresh cut grass on a spring morning or the tangy pine smell of Christmas trees in December. For others it's hearing that old familiar song that pushes the days of old to the forefront of their minds. For me it's always been touch. The soft feel of the inside of my favorite old sweatshirt always brings me back to lazy Sundays curled up on the sofa reading an old book while the Seattle rain fell outside. The full body, all encompassing hugs that Leo and Uncle Jack mastered always bring to mind my father. And now, sitting here watching her sleep, gently stroking her hair I can see every second of our time together.

Right from the start I knew she was special. She just got me. Every time I looked in her eyes I had no doubt she knew me inside and out. It was like she could see the real me, and what she saw she liked. She was the first everything for me, the first true friend, the first person to truly know me, the first person to call me beautiful, the first kiss, the first love, and the first lover. Our time together was perfect, it filled my heart completely. I never thought of right and wrong with her, only being happy. But on that last day when she begged me to help her walk out of my life I had to bury those memories of us together.

God I thought I had locked all of that away, never to be found again by anyone including myself. On Christmas, after I watched her walk away to marry someone she didn't love, I couldn't let myself think about her. It just hurt too much. Knowing that anytime I started to remember one part of our time together my mind will always lead me back to the look on her face when she said goodbye. In the pain of that final moment with her I decided that I couldn't lie to myself or anyone else anymore. And with the whirlwind of my own personal drama with my mother taking up all of my thoughts I didn't have to struggle to push the old memories back. There just wasn't enough room in my mind, or my heart, to deal with anything else. Maybe that was the only good thing to come out of the permanent ache my mother created in my heart. At least I didn't have to think about Sara.

After that first day when I told my mother, I was so completely exhausted from trying to gain understanding and acceptance that I didn't even have to try to not remember. I was just too tired to even think about Sara. And then every time it seemed like there was a lull in the drama at home something else would claim my attention and the very sharp pain of those memories was compressed down into a dull ache in the back of my mind. Never truly forgotten but never brought to the surface. I thought I had it under control. Boy was I wrong.

The phone call tonight made my heart leap. Hearing her voice was great, but it wasn't until that moment when I first held her in my arms that all the old feelings came rushing back. The way her body just seem to fit perfectly with mine, the feel of her warm breath on my neck. I just knew that I was home. And now tenderly stroking her hair, the silky strands slipping through my fingers I can see the past so clearly it's like we were just there.