Title: All I Have
Author: North hollye@sympatico.ca
Rating: PG-13
Pairing:
Summary: A short story based on a past episode between Bianca and Greenlee pre Jack is Greenlee father revelation (therefore the story is based on G And B not being related). Greenlee just went postal on Bianca for offering her a job at Enchantment, now Bianca has something to say...
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, setting etc. They all belong to others. No harm intended, no profit garnered, this is all just for fun! Or angst <droll look>
Note: story takes place after Greens just tiraded all over Bianca on a TV ep. Now it's Bianca's turn. There's a line in here that's from Moonlight Mile. Just giving kudos where they're due,;)
*******************
Bianca could just stare at her, shocked at the appalling words thrown at her. She shakes her head in frustration. "I'm so sick of this." She says more to herself than Greenlee.
"Sick of being the lesbo crusader?" Greenlee snipes. "Than get yourself a new hobby and get out."
Bianca makes a contemptuous noise. "No Greenlee, I'm sick of this. I'm so sick and tired of picking myself up off the ground every day, trying to do the right thing only to get kicked back down again and again. You think it's pity why I came here? You egocentric, self-centered unmitigated selfish bitch. Did you never stop to think that Vanessa killed the one person who was all of my heart and half of my soul? Frankie was shot! I found her body! And it's been a year and all that's gotten me through it was Leo. And now he's gone too. Because of the same woman. He's all I had Greenlee. The one person I didn't hold back from. Who I didn't have to hold back with. And he's dead. I came here because you're all I have left of him."
Greenlee stands there stricken by Bianca's last words. "Look Bianca-"
"No. No!" Bianca makes for the door. "Forget it. I'm tired of trying to fight to get myself out of bed everyday. Tired of people always trying to shoot me down. And more than anything..." her voice trips over her suddenly tight throat and burning eyes, "I'm sick to death of everyone I love leaving to never come back."
She walks out the door without a backward glance.
Greenlee stands where Bianca left her for a long time. Tears scald her cheeks as the stream down her face as her torn bruised heart cracks that much more. Only one thought crowds her heart.
Bianca, you're all I have left of Leo too.
****************
Bianca stomped on the decks of the boat house feeling a strong sense of deja vu.
Just as she recalls the last time she was there with Maggie, her cell phone rings.
"Hello." She sounds accusing.
Her expression immediately turns as contrite as her change of tone. "Oh, Maggie, sorry. Bad day all around I guess. I didn't mean to bark. Really? Actually, I'm really not up for it right now. Sorry Maggie. No, just tired. I think I'll turn in early, I haven't sleep well lately. Yeah, you too, bye."
She sighs heavily and sits down on a bench, desolate. "Why do I always end up in the same place?"
"I would think it's obvious." Greenlee's voice startles her to standing as she turns to see the older woman walk up the steps. "After all, it's how I knew where to find you. You want to be close to Leo. Most of your talks were down here weren't they?"
"Yeah," Bianca answers warily. "But how did you know that?"
"Oh, don't worry, he didn't spill any of your secrets. He adored you too much to even tell them to me. He did mention this place though. And you." Greenlee walks unhurriedly around the place, touching a pole here, a railing there, her mind suddenly lost in memories of her own.
Bianca watches her for a moment than gives. "Why were you looking for me?"
Greenlee sighs as heavy as Bianca did earlier. "To say I'm sorry."
"Greenlee, you didn't even apologize at the funeral." Bianca blocks the apology with scepticism.
"Well, when you called me an unmitigated, ego-centric, self-centered bitch you forgot to throw in occasional lapses into stupidity."
"I'm not getting you Greenlee."
Greenlee looks at her across the water and wood and has to turn away from the what she sees in those dark eyes. She moves to where Bianca stands and sits on the bench. "I don't get myself these days." She confesses in a subdued tone quite different from her usual snide or arrogance. "Will you do something I don't deserve Bianca? Will you sit with me?"
Bianca hesitates, deeply questioning not only Greenlee's motives but her own sanity. Her better nature wins out and she sits next to the woman.
"What now?" Bianca asks of the woman beside her.
"I was hoping you could tell me." Greenlee says.
***************
"What now?" Bianca asks her.
"I was hoping you could tell me."
"I don't think this means you've changed your mind and will work with me." It wasn't really a question. Greenlee's short shake confirmed it.
"No offence Bianca, I just can't go to working for you."
They sit in silence for a while before Greenlee asks in a whisper that Bianca almost missed. "Does it ever get better?'
Bianca understood and felt her own heart tear a little more at having to be honest with the woman next to her. "No."
The answer surprised Greenlee, who had half-expected a blanket of comforting lies.
"I still have nightmares of finding Frankie's body." Bianca continues after a moment. "I still have dreams where her and I are together and when I wake up there's this split second where I've forgotten was only a dream. Then I remember. It's the worst second of my life and it happens almost everyday."
"Thanks for the pep talk." Greenlee says dryly.
"Do you want me to lie?" Bianca's on the verge of anger again, it lays always just on top of the raw pain she's constantly been feeling since Leo's death.
Greenlee almost replies tartly but she softens. "I'd rather know the truth. Sorry, habit. That lashing out, being sarcastic to you thing."
Bianca stares unseeing at the water's surface. "I know Leo and I spent time together but was it really so much for you to hate me for it?"
Greenlee doesn't look at her either. "It wasn't that. Well, it was in part. I was jealous of anyone who took time away from me and Leo. It was this thing you do, still do actually."
Bianca waited but Greenlee didn't add anything more.
"Are you going to tell me what?" Bianca surprised herself in asking softly, realizing she simply wanted to know.
"It's the way you let people take advantage of you, walk all over you. Everyone comes first before you do. I don't get that at all. I had to put myself first before everyone else because I know no one will take care of me. I had to do myself."
"Until Leo." Bianca said compassionately.
"Until Leo." Greenlee agreed.
"And you Bianca? Did it change once you had Frankie?"
"She taught me how to stand up for myself more."
Greenlee gave her a frank, appraising look. "But you don't anymore."
"What?"
"Who was on the phone that you blew off just as I came up the steps?" Greenlee asked instead of answering.
"I don't really see -"
"It was Maggie wasn't it?" Greenlee asked already knowing. "You're totally angsting over her." At Bianca's expression of fear Greenlee reaches over and takes her hand where it sits on her lap. "Hey, don't panic. No blackmail this time. I'm just saying I see you do this to yourself time and again and it drives me nuts. Like you not coming out. Who cares what other people think? But there you were, acting like some mouse. You're so much more than that Bianca. You're not a mouse at all or Leo wouldn't have been so taken with you."
Bianca looks down at their hands together. "I though you were repulsed that I was gay. That and that you were an evil bitch."
Greenlee laughs briefly. "Well you've got one out of two. No, I don't care that you're gay Bianca. Only that you don't take what's right there in front of you."
Reflexively, unknowingly, Bianca clutches Greenlee's hand. "She doesn't want me." She chokes out.
Greenlee leans in. "Than find the one who does."
Bianca shakes her head. "There isn't anyone. There was only Frankie. And now all that's left are nights without sleep." She withdraws her hand and stands up and away from where they were sitting.
Greenlee stands. "I'm tired of the nightmares and not being able to sleep."
"Me too." Bianca whispers.
Greenlee's voice comes out sure and confident, like the old Greenlee. "Than we'll have to change that. At least for one night." She approaches Bianca and takes her arm. "Come on."
Completely out of her element Bianca tries to pull her arm back only to find out how surprisingly strong Greenlee is as she continues to lead Bianca out of the boathouse.
"What are you doing?" Bianca shakily asks.
"What I should have done before."
****************
Still leading, Greenlee opened the loft door and with a gentle tug, brought Bianca inside. Neither had exchanged a word throughout the drive here.
Greenlee flipped on a light. "Sit."
Bianca sat.
Greenlee gave her a moment then shook her head, coming over to her. "Stand."
Bianca stood.
"You should take your coat off first." Greenlee said while undoing and removing Bianca's coat from her.
"Oh, sorry." Bianca sat down at no insistence.
Walking back to the kitchen, Greenlee reached for some glasses and wine. "You hungry?" She called over her shoulder.
Bainca shook her head, than realizing Greenlee couldn't see her said. "No."
Greenlee carried over the glasses and wine. "I was saving this for mine and Leo's honeymoon. The one in Paris we had planned. I think if I were to drink it, it should be with the other person he loved most in this life." She held the glass out to her.
"Oh, I don't know. Wouldn't you rather-" Bianca began to protest.
Greenlee cut her off. "If you're going to say we should eat something don't waste your breath. We both haven't been great with that lately, am I right?" Knowing the answer she doesn't wait for a reply but continues, her hand holding out the glass, steady and sure. "I need a drink. So do you. Let's drink to friends and lovers. Gone but never forgotten. Missed."
Bianca takes the glass. "To friends and lovers who are deeply missed."
They drink, both leaning back into the sofa. Maybe it was in the first hour, maybe the second, neither kept track of the time which seemed to escape them more and over the last weeks, but soon they were leaning into each other shoulder to shoulder. It was Greenlee who chuckled.
"What is it?" Bianca asks her.
Still chuckling, Greenlee tells her. "Do you remember how he laughed? I mean really laughed at something for a long time? He would snort. I always found that so funny."
Bianca smiles at the memory. "Yeah, he was funny. Or the way he could suddenly smile at you at the most inappropriate times and it would just crack me up. He knew it too. He would wait right when he could do the most damage and get me going."
"He loved to have fun."
"Yes, he did."
"Did Frankie?"
Bianca stiffened and looked at Greenlee. "Uhm, yeah, but-"
Greenlee turned to her, putting her glass down and a hand on Bianca's leg. "Hey, take it easy. It just helps. Knowing you understand. I thought it would be nice to know more about her, that's all."
Bianca measures the honesty in Greenlee's eyes. She tries to relax leaning back against the couch. Greenlee stays turned towards her, waiting.
"Yeah, she liked to have fun. She was always in the moment you know? I loved watching her smile. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. And knowing I was the reason she smiled..." Bianca couldn't find the words, just looked at Greenlee at a loss, the pain coming to the fore.
Greenlee squeezed her leg, and smiled through tears of her own. "It felt like you could do anything. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world knowing you made her happy. It filled you up like nothing else ever had or has since."
Bianca nods. Without thinking she reaches up and wipes the errant tears away from Greenlee's cheeks with her hand. Greenlee takes the hand in hers and holds it against her face. Her eyes close and she sighs. "It's felt like forever since I let someone touch me like this. Like they love me."
"Hugs don't count." Bianca utters, her throat suddenly dry.
"Hugs don't count." Greenlee agrees, not relinquishing the hand as new tears wet it.
****************
It had been some time since they had finished the bottle. During some point, Greenlee found herself curled into Bianca's arms, her head pillowed on a now dry breast she had earlier dampened with tears. The heart beneath her ear beat steady and soothingly. The pain inside her had subsided to a dull ache. The most respite she's had in what has felt like an eternity.
"Thank you." Bianca's words floated down to bring her out of her thoughts.
"What on earth for?"
"For showing me why Leo loved you. For showing me your heart."
Greenlee raised up and stared at her.
Bianca met her with eyes dark and as sure as her heartbeat now under Greenlee's hand. "I've never seen it before. You never let me."
"Only Leo, and Jake." Greenlee whispered.
Bianca smiled faintly, and it caused a crack in Greenlee's own heart. Like that of a light tapping on a battered door. "I'm in good company then." Bianca said.
"None better." Greenlee breathed.
The smile faded, and Greenlee found herself missing it.
"Frankie and Sarah are the only ones who showed me their hearts before. Like this, in my arms."
Greenlee didn't feel self-conscious at being still in those arms, against that chest, staring into those eyes that the others had before her. "Than I guess I'm in good company too." A ghost of her former self flickered to life. "Just remember that I rank up there. Something you should have recognized a long time ago. Took you long enough."
Bianca's small smile returned and with it, the tightness around Greenlee's heart eased. "I guess I'm slow at some things."
"But not in others." Greenlee assured her.
"No, not in others." Bianca agreed.
Greenlee took in the warmth of the body that held hers, the curves so unlike Leo's frame, yet Bianca and her still fit, snug and safe as though they had always laid on the couch just like this, together. The hint of an expensive perfume tickled her senses. She decided and acted as she always had, straight from her heart, at times misguided, but not now.
She held her hand out to Bianca. "It's time to go to bed." Here her confidence lagged, and skipped just like the beat of her vulnerable heart. "Will you stay?"
****************
Greenlee held her hand out to Bianca. "It's time to go to bed." Here her confidence lagged, and skipped just like the beat of her vulnerable heart. "Will you stay?"
Bianca looked at the hand, than past it to Greenlee's face. "I don't think that's necessarily a good idea. I mean, come on, it's not like we're friends."
"True. But we're not completely enemies either. And we have more in common than both put together. Bianca, can't you put away all those good intentions of yours just for one night? That's all I'm asking for. One night with you to ease this pain. I think I'm not the only one who could use the time out from the world outside. Will you stay?"
Bianca hesitated than grasped the hand and allowed Greenlee to help her off the couch. They entered the bedroom where Greenlee began to fuss with the radio alarm clock. She explained while fiddling. "I don't want to be woken up at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning."
"It's already morning." Bianca pointed out. Watching Greenlee still fumble with the machinery she sat next to her and took it from her hands. "Let me."
She almost had it but a wrong button was accidentally pressed and a slow song came on. "Sorry, must have hit the wrong button."
Greenlee's hand quickly covered hers and stopped her from turning it off. She took Bianca by the arm and led her up off the bed. Greenlee gazed up at her for a moment than stepped forward, winding her arms around Bianca's neck.
They began to dance.
Bianca could have asked a dozen things but she settled for one. "Why?"
Greenlee leaned her face into the bend of Bianca's neck. "Because you played my song."
Bianca's arms tightened around her as they continued to sway to the slow beat in silence.
*******************
The song ended. Greenlee turned it off before something jarring broke into the intensity of the moment between her and Bianca.
She looked back at Bianca who stood there silently, not asking, not moving, just waiting. After a moment of the two looking at each other, the need building painfully within Greenlee must have expressed itself in her own stance, in her own charged silence, because Bianca, never taking her eyes of the woman, began to undo the buttons on her own shirt while Greenlee watched.
It was by the second button that Greenlee went to her and gently moved her hands away. Bianca asked with her eyes if Greenlee had changed her mind.
"Let me." Greenlee said as she began to undo the shirt herself, answering the unspoken question.
Greenlee didn't hurry. She did however speak. "I can't promise to love you past tonight. I can't promise forever or happily ever after. But I can promise to give you all the I have here, now."
Hands stilled hers. She glanced up, sudden fear that she said too much and the person she needed like no other in this moment would leave.
Bianca leaned down and kissed her.
Greenlee's eyes closed at the sensation and a sigh of pleasure and fear eased and escaped her. When the velvet caress stopped it took her a second to open her eyes and blink.
Bianca released Greenlee's hands from her gentle clasp and began to undress Greenlee with the same unhurried motions that Greenlee had. "I'm not asking for tomorrow, or forever but you have all that I am, here, tonight, now."
A tear cascaded down Greenlee's cheek as her heart filled to bursting. "Why?" She asked her throat tight.
Bianca smiled softly. "Because you played my song."
Greenlee smiled at the answer and nodded briefly to herself. Her own hands took up their previous activity of unclothing Bianca.
"And when tomorrow comes?" She asked as she began to touch bare skin and felt warm hands caress her.
Bianca led them back down on the bed and answered honestly and from her heart. "We let it be whatever it wants to be."
They sank into the bed and each other's arms, for once not afraid of what night would bring before dawn arrived.
Fin