"You lied to him," she whispers. "You lied to him and now he's dead."
"Please don't say that," I cry. "I wanted to tell him who I was but I was so scared!"
"And just who is it that you think you are?"
It's no surprise that when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes. It's always been like this. Barbara just looks at me with destain. I stand apart from myself and watch the scene unfold. The other me is a coward... so am I.
"You just don't get it," I tell her, though the words are meant for me. "You never do."
I love this... this energy that is Seattle. I find myself walking through
The Market while an odd mix of people rush past. I'm in no hurry though. I
take it all in. The cool dampness, the intangible vitality of those around
me and the oddly pleasing scent of bread, flowers and fish. Stopping at a
kiosk for a sample or two of some exotic cheeses, I notice a strange man
behind the counter. He peers at me from behind his glasses and speaks to me
in a squeaky voice, "The cheese cannot speak for you." I smile and nod,
though I don't understand.
It's dusk now and the low setting sun breaks the clouds on the horizon with
unnervingly beautiful rays of oranges and pinks. I stand on the waterfront
as the thick fog rolls in off of Elliot Bay. I let it envelop me like a
favorite soft blanket. It surrounds me like love and for a moment I feel
only peace. I love the fog. It's earthy. It's romantic. And it holds the
promise of rain.
It's the same sky but my surroundings have changed. Once again I find myself
standing atop the hill overlooking the valley. The circus is gone, having
left no indication of it ever being there. I don't like this feeling at all.
I feel so alone in this discomforting quiet. I wish I had my phone.... and
then, oddly enough, I do.
"Mom?" My voice sounds like it's coming from somewhere outside myself.
"Why are you calling me, sweetheart? You live here and now you can be me."
This confuses me. "But I don't want to be you. I... I just called because I needed... I mean I just wanted to be...."
"What, dear?"
"I... I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone."
"Because you can't admit that you're broken?"
"Yes," I admit shamefully.
"Oh, sweetheart," she laughs. "Don't be silly! Come inside now and I'll make it okay."
"All right mom," I sigh in defeat as I click off the phone.
The tears come then and I swipe at them angrily. Too often lately I've found
myself alone and crying. An ache in my head, a lump in my throat and a rock
in my stomach. I just want for this feeling to end. For something to come
and wash it all away. I want....
Hands. Large, fine-boned hands softly snake around my stomach to pull me
back into pliant warmth. The sigh that escapes my lips is matched by a sweet
breath of air that caresses my ear. One of my hands covers those which hold
me and the other reaches up to pull to me more tightly the lips that flutter
softly against my shoulder. So many braids. So wild and so absolutely sexy.
I know her. I know this. And it is now that I realize that there is nothing
broken here. This is what being whole feels like.
"Bianca," she whispers low. Oh god, I can feel her voice travel through my body. "Could you let me love you?"
"Yes," I reply breathlessly. "Please, yes."
Her hands are moving now. Touching me so skillfully. Softly, her fingers trail up my arms and down again leaving gooseflesh in their wake. She sweeps my hair aside and places kisses along the back of my neck, along my jawline, until her tongue is tracing the contours of my ear. Those gorgeous hands now travel upward to cup my breasts. They gently squeeze and I push into them, needing this touch. Craving. Aching. "Please," I beg her and she swiftly pulls my shirt from my jeans. Again her hands move across my stomach and upward. I sigh at the softness of her skin against mine and then hiss in pleasure as she lightly brushes her palms across my nipples. My God, can you drown in wanting? Because I'm sinking deeper and deeper and she appears oblivious. She just keeps up her exquisite assault, caressing, pinching, rolling and.... "Oh... Oh yes!" and I come, not even knowing that I was quite 'there' yet. The pleasure is brief, gentle, wonderful and it leaves me weak and wanting more. She must sense my need because already her hand is on the top button of my jeans while she holds me to her with the other. Her lips, teeth and tongue are hungrily making their way across the flesh of my neck and shoulders and I moan from the delicious burn they leave on my skin. And then her long, strong fingers are inside my jeans, inside my panties, inside me, and it feels better than anything I've ever felt before. My legs start to shake and I tell her I'm going to fall.
"You're not going to fall, Bianca," she answers, holding me even tighter. "I've got you and I'm not ever gonna let you go."
Her words are so beautiful to my ears that I want to cry but instead I cry out as she touches me *there*. Without thought, I reach up and behind, grabbing fistfulls of braided hair. It's so good and so hard and she is so strong that I can't help myself, I pull her hair and beg, no, order her to fuck me harder, hardly believing that such words could come from my mouth. She complies, her fingers pumping in and out of me while her thumb works against my clitoris. I feel the tightening within me and it's so much that I strain, almost painfully, for the release I so desperately want.
"Shhh..." she whispers against my ear as her fingers slow to a delicate dance. "Let it go."
Her words and touch relax me and I allow the pleasure to build on its own. "So sweet," I moan. "So good". The tightening within me begins again, forming slowly, reaching higher, making me whimper unintelligible words until it can no longer be contained. I come again, taking the universe into me and flying with it as it bursts out again in wave after wave after wave. Seconds or hours, I don't know, but when I finally come back to myself, I find I am on her lap, clinging to her desperately and still crying her name. We sit like that for a awhile, wrapped around each other while my breathing returns to normal. When it does, she lifts my chin to meet her gaze. This is the first time I've been able to *really* look at her. She's so beautiful. I must have some sort of goofy look on my face because she asks me if I'm all right. "I'm almost perfect," I tell her. "But there is something I need."
"Anything for you, Bianca. Just tell me what it is."
I love the way she says my name and so I can't help but grin again before
giving her my answer. "Kiss me, Rain."
**********
Bianca Montgomery sat up in bed, her heart beating a mile a minute from what
she knew was the best damn dream she'd ever had in her relatively young
life. Sighing wistfully, she laid back down and hugged her pillow tightly,
trying to hold onto the memories for just a few moments longer. Life had not
been great, by any means, for Bianca of late but as she lay there holding
her pillow, she couldn't help but smile. So maybe the thought of returning
to school sucked and maybe getting a job instead would be harder than she
thought. And then there was her mother and how she would deal if Bianca told
her her secret, but for right now, none of that mattered. She was a girl who
had a big time crush and perhaps what Rain had said to her yesterday about
getting it meant that she understood. Whatever it meant, she was going to go
to the homeless shelter today. At that thought, the day could not start soon
enough. Bianca bounded out of bed and threw open the curtains on what looked
to be an absolutely beautiful fall day -- gray and overcast with a definite
promise of rain.
The End
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