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Part Three
Season Three
1997-1998

~~~~~
Chapter One
New York City
"Grease!" and "Saturday Night Live"

The curtain fell and she heard the raucous applause from the audience. The curtain rose again so the cast could take their curtain calls "Sandy" and "Danny" first, "Kenickie" and "Rizzo" second and so on and so forth. Lucy, as Betty Rizzo, looked around the audience and, though the lights were blinding, she could see a few Xena shirts here and there, standing and ululating in their appreciation.

She looked up into the balcony that was stage left and saw a familiar blonde head, shining emerald eyes, and broad, glittering smile applauding the loudest of them all. Lucy sent a special kiss to Renee, then to some of the Xenites who were there so as to not call attention to the blonde. She waved a little more and stood back as the rest of the curtain calls were completed.

About half an hour later, Lucy walked out of the dressing room and into Renee's waiting congratulatory hug.

"You were fantastic, Luce! Grease! was never one of my favourites, but with you in it, it was tons more bearable," the blonde gushed.

"Did you see all the hardcore nutballs in the audience?" Lucy smiled.

Renee laughed. "See them? I had to use the back door to get in here... You wanna go through that back door to get to the car?"

The brunette thought about it, but said, "Nah...they paid all that money to see me here, most of them probably more than once, it'll be okay...unless you want to scoot out that back door?"

"Nope. I can handle the throngs if you can and since you're right here, it'll be fun," the blonde said cheerily.

"Ms. Lawless, your limo's here," said a stage manager when he popped his head out from the dressing rooms. She nodded her thanks to him and he smiled and left.

"You ready?" she asked the Texan.

"Sho' nuff. Let's go," she replied, ready to brave the sea of hardcore nutballs.

*****

"That was fun," Renee said, smiling, as they drove away from the theatre after standing there and signing autographs for however long it was.

"My hand hurts," Lucy groaned, a smile on her face.

The blonde scooted closer to her and picked up the cramping hand with her own. "Aww...poor baby," she said as she kissed her and started to massage it. "Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?" she asked.

"Back to our room?" Lucy suggested, her brows arched in hope.

"Skipping to dessert already?" Renee asked, her smile now mischievous.

A tremor shot through Lucy's body at the blonde's tone of voice, but she was able to calm herself before saying, "Room service."

"Oh, you're no fun," Renee pretend-pouted as she continued to massage the brunette's hand. "Don't you have rehearsals tonight?"

"Huh? Oh...Saturday Night Live. Not tonight. I got the script today and we start rehearsals tomorrow night,"

"So, we have all of tonight to ourselves?"

A chill ran down Lucy's spine at the seductive tone in Renee's voice. She managed to croak out a weak "Yes," making That Smile of Renee's bloom on her face...and a tingly sensation spread through her body for the nine billionth and first time in the past five minutes.

They rode back to the hotel in a comfortable silence punctuated by tender glances and a few kisses to the hands they held. Lucy reflected on the beautiful blonde next to her, whose love she was so lucky to have.

*Yeah, lucky...until Rob came along...* She inwardly rolled her eyes and sighed wistfully. She saw Renee look at her from the corner of her eyes, and felt the blonde squeeze her hand, but when she looked at her, Lucy said nothing. The words were there, ready to tell Renee all about the deal she had made to keep her on the show, but there was a cork of doubt lodged in her throat. She merely gave the blonde a smile and leaned over to give her a reassuring kiss.

*What am I going to do? The one person whom I should trust the most with anything at all I find myself unable to talk to. I used to be able to tell her everything, then Rob made this deal...I really should tell her. I need to tell her, she needs to know, but what will that do to us? I can't believe I'm pimping myself out to keep her on the show and I don't even have the decency to tell her. I will tell her. I know I will, I think I just need some time to sort things out, see how they stand with Rob...* she rambled internally.

*I feel like I'm keeping someone as back up in case I strike out...but I'm not...am I? I don't even know anymore. I don't love Rob, I love Renee, I know that much for absolutely sure...yet, I've made a deal with Rob to date him to keep Renee on the show and close, and that deal might cost me her love...*

Lucy looked at Renee and when the blonde looked at her, she gave her a sweet smile tinged with her sadness.

"What's the matter, hon?" Renee asked, concerned.

The brunette squeezed her hand and replied, "Nothing...just tired..."

"I hope you're not too tired...I've got a lot planned," the blonde said suggestively.

There was that chill and the tingles again. Love, regretfully sad, filled her chest and she leaned forward and kissed her lover again. Renee frowned again, but sat back in her seat.

Lucy turned her attention out of the window to her side and watched the City pass her by.

***** Lucy sighed in relief as she stepped back stage after the opening monologue. *How incredibly daunting to open an episode of Saturday Night Live...at least they didn't have Renee stand and say something embarrassing.*

The rest of the night went surprisingly well. What she didn't quite grasp, however, was how terribly right-on her impersonation of Stevie Nicks was...but she knew she did a good job by the amounts of laughter pouring over her from the audience.

That was another incredibly daunting obstacle to overcome not laughing with everyone else. It's a natural human reflex to pick up everyone else's laughter...why else do people ask, when not initially in on the joke, "What's so funny?" She felt the smiles tugging gently at the corners of her mouth, but was able to hold them in.

In other sketches, it was not hard to not laugh...

An hour and a half after the opening monologue, the show ended and Renee joined Lucy and the cast of SNL in a brief celebration for a good job that week. Soon, as a weekly television show can't have week-ending parties that last too long, Lucy and Renee were in the limo heading back to their hotel room.

Again, the ride was silent, all too silent for the brunette's liking, but she found that she couldn't break it. It seemed impenetrable. She felt herself drawing away from Renee more and more...thus her heart was breaking more and more. She didn't know what to do, how to try and mend it... She knew it had to do with her deal with Rob, but the thought of telling Renee kept her quiet. She didn't understand why.

She felt the pleather of the seat beneath her shift and turned toward the blonde to find her scooting closer to Lucy. Renee laid her head on her lover's shoulder and took hold of her hand, interlacing their fingers.

The brunette leaned her head back to look at Renee, then placed a kiss atop her blonde locks.

*"Buckle your seat belts...it's gonna be a bumpy ride..."*

*****

They lay with their limbs and arms entwined, hair wild and bodies slick with fresh sweat. The blonde's head lay on Lucy's chest, her eyes closed, but she was far from sleep. The brunette lay there, tears streaming down her face as she desperately held back the choking sobs that would rouse Renee and make her confess, green eyes wounded without really knowing why.

Lucy took a deep though shuttering breath as she tried to shut out all her thoughts and concentrate on the feeling of the woman she loved with all her heart laying against her, memorizing the heat. She could feel the blonde's tears against her abdomen.

"...I'm losing you..."

Lucy frowned and lifted her head to look at the head that lay on her chest. At the same time, Renee looked towards Lucy and the silence between them spoke volumes as they searched each other's tear-filled eyes.

The brunette hooked her finger under Renee's chin and gently lead her up to her waiting mouth to initiate a kiss that lead to passionate sadness. They made love again, trying to find the connection they lost amidst the fog of Lucy's ill-consulted decision.

*Whatever happens, it's all my fault...she can't be blamed for anything,* the brunette reminded herself as she took whatever was left of herself and placed it within the confines of Renee's heart for safe-keeping.

The plane trip back to New Zealand was quiet as the two women thought about their futures, but they held hands constantly. *Maybe there is hope, if I don't mess things up too much...* Lucy thought to herself as she contemplated their hands. How perfectly they fit together, not just their hands when they lay together, when they held each other...everything fit...how perfect and complete she felt with Renee...

...and how hard her heart dropped when the flight attendant spoke over the P.A. "We'll begin our descent into Auckland International Aeroport in five minutes..."

The flight attendant, who did nothing to deserve Lucy's wrath, was receiving deathly looks from the brunette's blue, flashing in the bright cabin lights of the airplane. The stewardess continued on about how the crew of the plane were glad to have had all those passengers aboard their flight and how everyone needed to remain seated with belts securely fastened with trays and seats upright, but all Lucy could think of was as soon as she and Renee disembarked, everything would be completely different.

While things were indeed different, she had no idea what would happen a few short months later...when Renee found out about the deal.

~~~~~
Chapter Two
"The Bitter Suite"

The third day of the outdoor shoot for the musical episode was tough. It was windy on the location and emotions were running high. Renee took it personally that she was dragged by Xena behind Argo, not to mention that Lucy still hadn't told her what was bothering her. She wasn't a happy camper and while the crew thought it was all for the episode, Lucy could feel the difference.

She walked up and knelt in front of the blonde and put her hand on Renee's knee. "What's up?"

"I've been hearing rumours, Lucy, and the problem with these rumours is that they're probably very true... Now, before I get so pissed off I can't finish today's shoot, I want you to tell me what's been going on," Renee pleaded. She must have seen the flicker of pain in Lucy's eyes at her voice.

"There is something...isn't there?" the blonde asked. "Please, tell me."

The brunette took a steadying breath. It felt like oxygen was being sucked from the atmosphere and she started to see stars. She swallowed. "Rob brought it to my attention around Christmas that he was moving you off the show, but I took care of it and everything's fine. I've talked him out of it," she replied. She felt Renee pull away from her.

"What did you do?" she asked.

Lucy sighed. *It's now or never,* she thought as she said, "The day before you were to come back from Texas, Rob came to my house and laid it out on the table for me. He asked me what I was willing to do to keep you on the show and in New Zealand...I agreed to date him after I was satisfied you would be remaining in the cast."

The tears in Renee's eyes stung her far worse than any slap.

"You're pimping yourself out to keep me on the show? I can't-"

"There's more than the show at stake here...there's our future in Hollywood, our future with Indie films, our future, full stop. All I wanted was to make you happy. You wouldn't be able to stay in New Zealand without a work permit and no Kiwi casting director is going to cast a foreigner in a part that could be played by one of us.
"I didn't know what else to do, I wanted to keep you happy, in the job, and here, with me. I love you so much..."

"You should have talked to me about this...a long time ago... We would have been able to figure something else out-"

"Okay, everyone, let's take our places," the assistant director shouted. Crew and cast rushed to their marks.

Renee said nothing as she stood to take her mark by the cliff and the silence was the most deafening non-sound Lucy'd ever heard. She shook away her tears and conjured up the anger she felt toward Rob to use in the scene.

"And...ACTION!"

Gabrielle stood, tears rolling down her battered and bruised face, the tears not of the physical pain she felt, but of the pain she felt in her heart.

"I HATE YOU!"

She ran at Xena and the two of them fell onto a blue tumble pad and pillows held by the stunt crew, the part where they tumble off the cliff to be done with stunt people and in post-production.

"CUT! Fabulous! Print! That's the end of today's shoot, folks! Seven A.M. call for Poteidaia and 'Melt Into Me'," the assistant director shouted into the bullhorn as people started to dismantle the lights and dolly tracks.

Renee rolled off of Lucy and walked hurriedly back to the costume trailer leaving the brunette alone on the pad. Under the weight of her decisions, Lucy slowly stood to confront Renee about her actions and try to work this out.

As she walked into the trailer, Ngila saw her, then walked away. Lucy heard some whispering, probably between the costumer and the blonde actress. A few minutes later, Ngila walked out of the other room and helped Lucy off with her armour and gauntlets. Renee walked out of the other room and without looking at Lucy, or saying anything to her, left the trailer.

Lucy put on a robe and ran out after her, grabbing her by the arm and turning her so they could look at each other. The blonde kept her eyes on the ground, away from Lucy's self-burning blue, and whispered, "Not here. Come to my house at eight."

She then pulled her arm away from the brunette and walked to her car. Rob arrived on set in enough time to see the Texan pull her arm away from the woman he loved and made it known to Lucy when he walked up to her, saying, "Trouble in Shangri-La, Luce?"

The brunette fired off a look of disgust at the producer as she turned to go back to the trailer. "I'll pick you up tomorrow night around nine, okay?" It was hardly a question and hardly romantic, and she nearly vomited where she stood...but she didn't back out of things when she gave her word.

*WHY NOT, GODDAMMIT???!!! I DON'T LOVE HIM!!!*

Lucy waved back at him without turning and fought desperately to keep from crying as she climbed the steps to go back into the trailer.

Ngila was silent as she helped the brunette get out of the costume by loosening the laces. Lucy then stepped into the other room to get into her street clothes.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "What am I gonna do?" Lucy asked the costumer, knowing she knew what was going on.

"Survive."

Sadness overcame her at the one simple word. Her life crashed down around her and she realized that, at a critical point, she didn't trust the one person she should have trusted the most...and that little indiscretion might cost her everything. She sniffled and lifted her head to look up at the ceiling to stop the tears from falling, then finished dressing, missing buttons and holes so her sweater wasn't done up right.

She didn't tie her shoes and she didn't put her hair back into a ponytail and she left the trailer in a rush to get home so she could cry privately, Daisy spending most of the night at her friend Charlotte's house to study for the big algebra test.

Crew members didn't say anything to her, didn't try to offer comfort or council, nor did they berate her for her decisions. They heard what Tapert shouted and knew that everything they suspected was true and felt a sympathetic sadness for the friendly actress. They, if faced with the possibility of losing them, would do whatever seemed reasonable to them to keep their loved ones close and happy.

Lucy rushed to her car and, through a miracle, was able to get the key into the lock and herself into the car in record time. She felt the final yank of her heart being ripped from her chest and couldn't hold back the torrent of tears any longer. Finally, after twenty minutes, she recovered enough to drive home and get cleaned up a little before heading over to Renee's house.

*****

"Why? Why didn't you talk to me about it? I don't get it! Didn't you trust me? What was going through your head, Lucy?"

"I didn't want to lose you," she replied, her voice hoarse from crying. Lucy and Renee sat at opposite ends of the couch. There was no radio, no TV, no sound at all, except for the occasional mewl from Renee's cat, Kia Ora.

The brunette sat with her knees up to her chin, several wadded tissues by her bare feet. The blonde sat cross-legged as she studied her co-star. Their usually sparkling eyes were bright with unshed tears while being red and puffy from the ones already cried.

Renee sniffled and wiped her nose with a tissue she had balled up in her hand. "So you thought dating Rob would keep me?"

"It would keep you here, with me, on the show, in New Zealand. You have to believe me, I had nothing but good intentions, Renee. I love you so much, I'm willing to do anything to make sure you're happy," Lucy replied.

"Why didn't you talk to me about it?" the Texan asked.

The brunette sighed. "I didn't know what to do, Ren...I swear." Lucy paused for a moment, then leaned forward. "What do you want me to do? I'll do anything you want, if it's possible to make this up to you. Please, Renee."

"I hurt so much right now, Lucy. I would have been happy off the show, on the show, in New Zealand, America or wherever, so long as you were there with me...however, you made this bed for the two of us, so now we've gotta lie in it.
"I don't know if I can trust someone who pimps herself out anytime something, someONE, threatens our relationship. I need to be alone to think," she replied, her calm belied by the storm brewing in her sad green eyes.

Lucy looked at Renee for a moment before accepting her fate and standing to leave. At the door, she turned back to the couch, noticing that the blonde turned away from her and was motionless. She started to say something, but stopped herself, then opened the door and let herself out, locking the knob as she left.

The brunette turned around to knock on the door, to see if she could fight for the blonde, but stopped herself. *I've caused us both too much pain. Maybe in a few days I could try to talk to her again.*

With that, Lucy walked to her car, wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her sweater. She looked back at the blonde's house and saw Renee standing by the window looking at her. She stopped and got out of the car and walked back toward the window. Renee didn't move.

"Whether you believe me or not, I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you in the future. I understand that you don't trust me now, and I don't blame you...but I never, ever meant to hurt you. Can we please try to work this out? Please?" the brunette pleaded, her eyes welling up again.

Renee wiped her tears away. "I don't know, Lucy." The blonde sighed as she thought, but neither she nor Lucy walked away. "Can you come by tomorrow night?"

The brunette bit her tongue, about to say, "I have a date with Rob," but said instead, "I'll be here. You name the time."

"Eight..." then Renee reached over and pulled the blinds down. Now Lucy was the one on the receiving end of the shot of Hope, but was a momentary high as she realized that they had a lot of work to do before anything could happen between them again.

And now she had to deal with Rob since she was not going to mess up with Renee again...but she had to somehow keep him happy until she knew where she stood with the blonde who's heart she broke.

*****

Lucy got back to her house and started pacing back in forth as she held the cordless in her hand. She couldn't miss this date with Renee, but if she cancelled on Rob...well, who KNOWS what would happen. She didn't want to press her luck with the blonde and try to move the time up so she could do both dates, and she didn't want to move Rob's time too late because she had to get up early.

She decided, as she started to dial Tapert's number, to just postpone the date a day.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Rob, it's Lucy," she said, her voice remarkably calm and clear.

"Oh hi, Lucy! What's up?"

"Not much, listen, I was wondering if we could postpone the date until the day after tomorrow... I was under a lot of pressure when you said you'd pick me up at ten tomorrow night and...-"

"Well, I'll tell you what, Luce. Why don't we just go out tonight? I just realized that my schedule is clear for the evening..."

"Uh, okay. We can do that."

"Great! I'll be there in an hour, okay? I'm so glad you came to your senses, Lucy. See ya then," and he hung up.

"Came to my senses, huh? God, why am I doing this?! Because I don't know what else to do...I need time with Renee to figure everything out and this is the best way to do things for now," she said to herself aloud, trying to reason with herself as to why she was continuing with this charade.

She walked into her bedroom and began to get into character. She'd need all her acting abilities to get through this night.

*****

Lucy walked out of the bathroom and checked herself in the full length mirror. She wore a simple black dress that stopped just above her knees and a silver and turquoise heart pendant Renee gave to her for Christmas. She wanted to have a little bit of the blonde with her as strength for the night ahead.

She left her make-up simple and did nothing with her hair. She didn't want to make Rob think she did anything special just for him.

"Hi mom!" greeted Daisy as she burst through the door and put her bags down. "I'm home!"

Lucy rushed out of her bedroom to give her daughter a hug. "How was school?"

"Fine," the teenager replied as she grabbed an apple from the fridge and washed it.

"And the study session with Charlotte? How'd that go? You feel confident for the test tomorrow?" she asked.

"Sure," Daisy replied, then she got a good look at her mother. "Gee, mom, you look hot. You going out with Renee tonight?"

Caught off-guard, Lucy bit back tears and said, "No, I'm going out with Rob."

"God, finally..." the teenager said, exasperated.

"Really...but why'd you ask me about Renee?"

"I dunno...it seems like the only time you get all dressed up lately, you're going out with her," she replied as she plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV.

Lucy looked down at herself and said, "You think I'm all dressed up, huh?"

Without looking back at her mother, Daisy replied, "Well, not as dressed up as for Renee or some special occasion with me, but you're definitely not going to a football game dressed like that."

Lucy was about to talk to Daisy some more about Renee when the doorbell rang. Rolling her eyes, she smoothed her dress and closed her eyes, planting herself firmly in character, then opened the door.

"Hi Rob. C'mon in," she said as she opened the door wide enough to let him in, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"Wow, Lucy, you look spectacular," he complimented. He heard the TV and saw the back of Daisy's head. "Hi Daisy! How are you tonight?"

The reply she gave was a crunch of the crisp apple and a wave back towards him. He smiled and took Lucy's jacket from her and helped her put it on.

When they left her house, Rob opened the passenger side door for her, opened the car door for her when they arrived at the restaurant, opened the door for her so they could walk inside. He pulled out her chair for her, was extremely polite to absolutely everyone and even ordered for her...but his gentlemanliness was underscored by the deviousness he was willing to stoop to to get what he wanted her.

As their lobster bisque arrived, Lucy chanced a glance at her date. Once they met eyes, Tapert started talking.

"You've been awfully quiet tonight, Lucy. Anything wrong?" he asked, his voice tinged with the humour her felt, knowing he may have broken up the best thing in her life...and that she was right in front of him, eating dinner with him and not that woman.

"Actually, everything's great, Rob, thanks," she said, putting on her charm and cool, calm and collected facade.

Rob blotted the corners of his mouth with his napkin and leaned forward. "Oh? Well what happened between you and Renee today?"

*You, you motherfucker,* she thought as she smiled sweetly and replied, "Even the best of coup- of, uh, friends have arguments...everything's fine."

"Gee, I sure hope I wasn't the cause," he said, the saccharine dripping from every word.

"I don't see why you would be," she returned.

Rob looked at her as he chose his words carefully. Finally, he said, "It's no secret that the torch I carry for you burns brighter than the Statue of Liberty‘s torch...I just wanted my fair chance to win your affections."

Lucy put down her spoon and leaned forward. "No matter what happens, Rob, know this I love her and I always will. I may date you, I may date other people, I may not date ever again, but no matter who 'wins my affections', she'll always have my heart and soul. They're for no one else."

The producer smiled. "That's fine by me. I get the tangible you, she gets the intangible you."

Without knowing what to say, especially because Lucy needed to talk to Renee, the rest of the dinner was eaten in silence with the love-lorn producer watching her eat. *I don't know what I'm doing...I wish that was Renee sitting across from me, not this lovestruck...guy...*

Lucy sighed and looked dreamily out of the window next to them, watching the night life of Auckland pass by around them.

The date ended with the payment of the cheque by Rob and they headed back to Lucy's house. He opened the door to the car for her and helped her out, then walked her to the door.

"Well, I had a great time tonight, Lucy. Thank you. Is eight on Friday good for you?" he asked, not even considering that she may not want to go or be able to. She nodded mutely, still not knowing what to do.

He smiled and leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on her lips, his stubble scratching her. He leaned away and she smiled politely to him as she unlocked the door and walked in, closing it in his face.

She grimaced and wiped her mouth on her jacket sleeve.

Lucy heard voices and laughter from the living room and when she looked around the corner, she saw her daughter laughing whole-heartedly as she watched TV. "Daisy, what're you doing up so late? You've got school tomorrow, y'know," she said, trying to not sound tired.

"You're back already? What time is it?" the teenager asked as she looked for a clock. "Geez...I didn't even realize what time it was... How was the date?"

"Not bad," her mother replied.

"But not good, right?" Daisy asked.

Lucy kinda giggled. "No, not good either. It just was...y'know?"

"Yeah, I know," she replied as she turned off the TV. "I'm gonna go to bed now. G'night, mom."

Lucy kissed her daughter good-night and watched as she went to her room, then she turned toward her own bedroom.

*Ick..gotta fumigate the jacket,* she thought as she wearily walked in and kicked her heels under the vanity on which she put her purse, tossing the jacket in the laundry pile. She closed the door and got undressed to get into her pajamas, then got under the covers and curled into a ball to cry herself to sleep.

*****

"I HURT INSIDE!" she screamed. "Don't you?"

"And...CUT! Wonderful! Take five while we check the video playback. If it's good, we'll go ahead and film 'Hearts are Hurting part one,' okay?"

Not wanting to intrude on Renee's space, Lucy stepped back and away from the blonde and sat by herself, in a far corner of the set. She felt Renee watching her, but she didn't look at her, just sat with her head down.

She finally looked up when she saw a pair of feet come into view and was surprised when she found Renee attached to them. "Can I sit with you?" she asked.

"Of course," the brunette replied, scooting over to give her co-star a place to sit.

"Rob came to talk to me while I was getting into costume. He said that they're gonna start pulling back on my publicity, that the show is 'Xena Warrior Princess,' not 'Xena and Gabrielle,'" she said, her head down. "He told me to thank my lucky co-star that my contract wasn't bought out..."

Renee looked up at Lucy and their eyes met. The brunette smiled when her co-star started blushing and had to look away.

The assistant director stepped forward and shouted, "Okay, we're going on to 'Hearts are Hurting part one'!! Great job, everyone!!"

The two stars stood and took their marks for the musical number. Before they got into character, a look was exchanged that promised each other they would talk more that night.

*****

"I've given this a lot of thought...not just this newest situation, but everything about our relationship. You've been afraid to tell people about us since the day you arrived in Texas during our first hiatus. You didn't want to tell our family members, friends and co-workers, when most of them probably know now anyway.
"I can't live like that, Lucy, in such secrecy. I need to be able to express my feelings for the person I love, whether it's just the two of us at home or we're in the middle of a baseball stadium. It feels like you're ashamed of loving me...and while it may not be the case, it's how it feels...how I feel.
"This whole thing with Rob is just the icing on the cake...you're so afraid of losing me that you'll give yourself to someone else to keep me when you won't ask me what I want or if I might have an idea...and it's all because you were afraid to tell him in the beginning that you loved me.
"It hurts...I hurt so much...and for this reason I have come to this decision. There is no more "us" until you decide what you want. You can do whatever you like, date another woman, date fifteen men...and if, IF, after you've done all that and you still want to be with me and you can convince me of anything, then we'll start on the way back to where we were.
"By the same token, I can do whatever, whomever I want. I need to discover who I am, too, and while I thought I'd found myself with you, this whole situation has made me question that.
"Never doubt that I love you, Lucy...always have, always will, no matter where life's roads take us, but this is a journey we have to make if we're to come back to each other at some point."

Lucy sat there in stunned silence. They both did as they searched each other's eyes. They found everything they had ever looked for in the souls behind those sparkling eyes. Renee glanced at the necklace Lucy wore and smiled weakly. It was the heart pendant she bought for her in Texas.

She hadn't taken it off since the date with Rob and didn't plan to, except for when she's working, and even then, she planned to keep it on her always. She ran her fingers along the pendant and smiled weakly at Renee.

"You have no idea how badly I want to fight you about this...but it's your decision. If you think that after this journey, there's even the remotest of possibilities that we could get back together at some point, even if we're old and in a retirement home, I'd do anything you'd ask," she replied, pouring all her honesty into every syllable.

"Good because this is something I think we need to do," Renee affirmed, wiping away the tears that fell. "I'll deal with Rob's problems with me in my own way, now...so please don't do anything. You know I hate doing a million interviews a day and stuff...I just want to act. So I'll do whatever I can while they scale back on Gabrielle."

"Renee, if they scale back on Gabrielle, you'll have a tougher time finding projects to do," Lucy theorized.

The blonde shrugged. "I can't do too much about that, Luce. Look, everything works out for the best in the long run. I know it does. Even if you have to wade through piles of shit to get to the shine, it's going towards something..."

"Like now?" Lucy asked, hopeful.

Renee smiled and caressed her co-star's cheek. "Like now." The blonde leaned forward and placed a feather-soft kiss on Lucy's lips.

"I'll see you at the end of the journey, and every day you travel."

Lucy started crying and wrapped her arms around her former lover for their last full-fledged embrace. She stiffened as she thought about something.

"Renee...what about the subtext?"

The blonde sat back in thought. "Well...if Rob lets the writers and us keep it, then I think you and I can use it to reaffirm what we're fighting for..."

The actresses looked at each other, sadness and confusion clearly evident. Lucy hurt, and she hurt because she caused Renee pain, and she hurt because they both were going to date other people because of her snap decision. She started to think about how preposterous this whole situation was and how it felt like a cheesy plotline in some soap opera.

"What if I were to call off the dates with Rob or if I were to tell everyone how much I love you?" Lucy asked. She meant it when she said she'd do anything for Renee.

The blonde looked at her. "Is it because you want to keep me? Is it because you don't love Rob? "I know I love you...and that's why I think we have to go through with this. While we were together, I'd never felt so peaceful, but when you told me you had made this deal, I started to question myself again...like maybe I wasn't enough to keep you happy, were you enough to keep ME happy, what if I was clouded with lust mixed with love...and I can't live like that, Lucy, with all those questions fogging up every moment with you.
"This needs to happen. You've set the ball rolling, so now we have to see how many pins it's gonna leave standing."

"And there's a chance?"

"There's always a chance, Luce. I do love you...we just need to discover ourselves again..."

The brunette smiled wanly and wanted to talk to her former lover more, but didn't know what to say that hadn't already been said. She stood and walked to the door, the blonde following her. She gave Renee a quick kiss on her cheek, then turned and walked toward her car.

*I'm going to win you back, Renee...I swear it.*

*****

Things between the two stars returned to normal by the last day of the shoot for 'The Bitter Suite'...at least, as normal as they could get. Their touches were tinged with apologies, their gentle looks coloured by a love that had to be buried in order to find out who they really were.

As they sat next to each other on the beach waiting for the next set-up, Renee reached over and pushed strands of black hair off of Lucy's shoulder, then flicked water at her from her fingertips.

"Don't start that now," Lucy warned, a smile on her lips.

"What, this?" asked Renee as she flicked a little more water at her, smiling innocently.

"Ooh, just wait til the shoot is over, blondie," the taller actress laughed.

The crew looked at them, mystified. Was Renee staying with Lucy even though the brunette was dating Rob? Some were relieved that Rob apparently hadn't gotten the upper hand and others felt that there was something more than what was being shown. They could see it in how they looked at each other, how they reacted to each other's touch. Everything was, for all intents and purposes, different.

*****

"Thank you," Lucy said quietly as Rob seated her and pushed in her chair for her. They were in a very popular restaurant and she did have to give it to him...other than being slimy, he was quite gentlemanly. She shrugged and tried to remind herself that she was trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together in order to get the map that would lead her back to Renee.

"Oh, look who's here," Rob said, gesturing towards the entrance to the restaurant. Lucy looked over to see who he was talking about. Standing there, in the doorway, was Renee with a handsome man. She wore a satin dress of deep blue with a matching wrap and her hair was done up.

Lucy's heart sank when a handsome man roughly the same age as her former lover put his arm around her waist as they followed the maitre'd to their table. As if sensing Lucy's presence, Renee looked across the crowded restaurant and directly at the brunette's blue eyes. Lucy ran her fingers along the pendant on her neck.

Renee smiled wanly at her, then sat down facing Lucy and Rob, her date's back to them. Lucy glanced to the bathrooms and Renee nodded.

"Excuse me for a moment, Rob," the brunette said as she walked to the bathrooms. She felt Tapert watch her go in and she waited with baited breath for the blonde, who walked in shortly after.

"I think Rob saw me come in here, Luce," Renee said.

"So, who's the guy?" the brunette asked, trying to not sound jealous and failing miserably.

Renee looked at her and said, "His name's Steve. He's the bartender who gave me his number at the Spiritdance."

"You kept his number?" she asked, also failing in the "nonchalant" category.

Renee replied, "No...actually, I went back there last night with Hudson, she was trying to cheer me up, and he was there...he asked me out for tonight."

"Oh. He's...pretty. Maybe sometime the four of us could double date," Lucy suggested, much cooler than even she expected.

"Well, I don't think he'd like dating Rob, but I'll mention it to him," the blonde winked. "Lucy, I know this'll sound weird, but thank you, for not flipping out or anything..."

"What were you expecting?" Lucy asked.

"I honestly don't know, but thank you for not doing that," she replied.

The brunette hugged her co-star then innocently kissed her neck, just below her jaw and ear, and heard a whispered sigh. They parted and she saw that the blonde was blushing.

"Enjoy your date, Ren," said Lucy as she hurried as slowly as possible out of the bathroom to finish her dinner with Rob.

She found the producer eyeing her suspiciously when she sat down and was a little short of breath. "What?" she asked.

"Stimulating encounter in the bathroom?"

Lucy frowned. "What are you talking about?" As an answer Rob turned toward the bathroom just as Renee walked out and to her date.

"Was that planned?"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Oh yes, of course it was. I always dreamed of ravaging her in a toilet at a sheik restaurant that YOU suggested in the car. Give me a break, Rob."

"I'm sorry...I'm just jealous. You can't blame me, can you? Look, I know what I did to get you to date me was underhanded, I admit that freely...and I'm sorry for it. I just didn't know any other way to get you to notice me...to give me a chance. At first, I didn't know you and Renee were together and I had a completely different, seemingly logical plan, and when I saw you and her together in your car, I went a little crazy.
"I told her to stay here while you were in the hospital, I made the decision to scale back the interviews and stuff for her, I've been doing things to sabotage her because I was, and even still am, crazy jealous of her...because I'm so in love with you.
"I promise you that after next year, I will fix everything as much as I think it can be fixed. I hope you can accept my apologies, I really am sorry about how this all came about...especially for what I said on our last date...and maybe see your way clear to spending more of your time with me?" he asked, sheepish.

She felt the sincerity in his words and weighed everything carefully. Finally, Lucy nodded. *Maybe it won't be so god awful...* she thought as the date began in earnest, with animated conversation between them about everything.

Part of Lucy was screaming at her to stop eating with Rob and to rush across the restaurant and kiss the sexy blonde senseless, while the rest of her was telling her that ditching Rob would jeopardize her career and everything she worked so hard for.

If anything, she could ride this out, knowing she loved Renee, and when she decided to end it with Tapert, it would be amicable and she'd have a good friend in the business.

When they were leaving the restaurant, they stopped by Renee and Steve's table.

"Wow, you two look great together," Rob complimented as he kissed Renee on the cheek and extended his hand to Steve. "I'm Rob Tapert."

Steve smiled and shook the producer's hand as he introduced himself. "Steve Muir."

"Lucy Lawless," the brunette introduced herself, also extending her hand to her former lover's rather handsome date.

The bartender stood when he took Lucy's hand and said, "Pleased to meet you."

"We were on our way out now to a play, but we wanted to stop and say hello. Maybe we should all go on a date together sometime!" Tapert suggested, his eyes sparkling with disarming sincerity. Renee sent a puzzled look to her co-star who shrugged.

"We've gotta go, Luce," he said, shaking hands with Steve again and giving the blonde a warm squeeze on her shoulder. The brunette nodded, shook the bartender's hand again, then gave Renee a platonic kiss on her cheek while her fingers trailed fire along the back of her neck. The blonde hid her arms as goosebumps appeared.

"Nice to meet you, Steve. Talk to ya later, Ren," Lucy said as she walked away.

"So, we're going to see a play, now?" she asked he held the door to the car open for her to get in.

The producer smiled, "If that's okay with you, Luce..."

The brunette nodded and they were off to see ‘A Raisin in the Sun.'

*****

"I had a really nice time tonight, Lucy...and I hope we can do it again soon," the producer said, a charming smile to accompany the question.

The actress smiled and leaned forward, giving him a short, sweet kiss. "How about Monday night?"

"Sounds great to me. Eight o'clock?"

Lucy nodded and said, "Thank you, Rob...I'll see you Monday."

The smile that bloomed on the producer's face was the happiest Lucy had seen anyone since she saw that same smile on Renee's. She went in and closed the door behind her, then, confused, leaned back against it.

~~~~~
Chapter Three
"One Against an Army"

The blonde readjusted her position several times then said, "Luce, can you move your foot?"

"Yeah, sure, sorry," Lucy replied as she sat her co-star up to move herself around, then pulled her back against her body, leaning in to the warmth in front of her.

"What play did you guys go see?" Renee asked as gaffers took light readings and everyone prepared for the scene where Xena was to take a poisoned arrow from Gabrielle's shoulder.

"ÔA Raisin in the Sun'," the brunette replied. "What about you? What did you and Steve do for afters?"

"We just went for a walk and talked a lot," she returned. The silence looked comfortable, but in reality, it was anything but.

Crew members were puzzled as they regarded the conversation they were eavesdropping on. Lucy noticed and almost busted out laughing at the absurdity of it all.

"Did Rob have anything to say?" Renee asked.

"Well, he did wonder if my meeting you in the restaurant's bathroom was planned, but other than that not really. He did apologize profusely."

"Oh? Really....huh," the blonde said, processing the information. "Do you believe him?"

Lucy sighed and noticed that the rush of air against Renee's neck elicited goosebumps on her arms. *Remember, Luce "in every pothole there is hope."* "I don't know...I want to...something wants me to want to, but I don't know if I can or if I should, and I'm just bloody confused," the brunette rambled.

"Ahh," Renee said noncommittally. They sat there in silence again, pondering this odd new development of a deviously trust-worthy Rob Tapert. Before too long, the director called out that they were ready and could now start to film the scene.

*****

Soldiers were coming at the raven-haired warrior from every direction. She blocked and kicked with fierce abandon, her fear for Gabrielle's life driving her to face the distinct possibility of her own death. It didn't matter to her. All that truly mattered was the life of the woman in the loft, the other half of her tattered and bruised soul.

A Persian soldier fell through the roof and onto the loft where Gabrielle was laying down, wrestling with the poison that coursed through her veins.

Suddenly, a loud scream, one that wasn't scripted, ripped through the set.

"Aww, shite, someone get a doctor!" cried the stuntman as he knelt by Renee. A crew member ran off to get the doctor as all action stopped and Lucy climbed the rickety ladder to the loft.

"What happened?" she asked.

The stuntman said, "I fell on her ankle."

Renee looked at them, her face pale, and said, "I'm fine...let's just finish today's shoot, then I'll go to the doctor."

"George is already on his way, Ren," the brunette said as she held her friend's hand.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine," the blonde said.

Lucy returned, "And I'm telling you, the doctor's already on his way, so hush."

As if on cue, George, the crew physician, ran through the doors and hurried up the ladder, then slid to a stop by Renee's side. "What happened?"

"I fell on her ankle," he replied, guilt clearly evident in his voice.

The blonde turned and smiled at him. "It's okay...it was an accident. I mean, how many times have I hit you so far this year! Don't worry about it, okay?" The stunt man nodded, but he still felt guilty, that much was certain.

"We'll need an X-Ray to see if it's broken, but I don't think it is," the doctor proclaimed. "Let's get you to the trailer."

"Wait! We're so close to finishing for the day, can't you just wrap me up so we can finish and then I'll come by?" Renee asked, her green eyes almost pleading.

George relented. "Okay, but you'd better let someone carry you to the trailer...no walking for you until we find out the extent of your injuries. I'll be just down there," he said as he took an Ace bandage from his kit and wrapped her swollen ankle.

She nodded gratefully, then she looked up at Lucy, who wanted to say something, but not in front of the people around them. The doctor finished wrapping her ankle and the stuntman climbed back onto the roof, watching to make sure that Renee moved any body parts far away from where he was going to land.

Everyone crowded around the doctor to get any news and the brunette finally had her chance to say her piece. "Why are you doing this? The show isn't as important as your physical health, Ren...you need to get that looked at..."

The blonde gave her a look that said, *You're dating Rob to keep me, your lover, on the show...* but she instead said, "We're so close to finishing. It'll take forever for the X-rays and everything and we'll be a day over-schedule. I'll rest easy after we're done here," she replied, resolved.

Lucy knew that she couldn't argue with her...well, she could, but she wouldn't win and everyone would just get angry. She bent over and placed a gentle kiss on the blonde's forehead before she went to take her mark on the floor.

"And ACTION!" shouted the director.

*****

"It's badly sprained...as your doctor, it's my job to tell you to stay off your foot as much as possible, but I know that you won't listen to me about that. However, you'd better listen to me right now stay off it until at least tomorrow, Sunday would be better. Take your pain meds. Have someone drive you home-"

"I'll do it!" Lucy volunteered, almost too quickly, then covered by saying, "Y'know, if you don't mind and all..."

Renee nodded, but said nothing.

"No strenuous activities, ladies," he said, looking back and forth between them, "and no ab-ball, no jumping jacks, nothing like that for a couple of weeks, okay?"

The blonde nodded as she took the prescription he handed her. Lucy helped Renee off the examination table and handed her the crutches. "Thanks George," the brunette said.

"Thank you, George...see ya Monday," Renee said as she and Lucy left the medical trailer.

"Luce, if you drive me home, how are you gonna get back to get your car?" the Texan asked.

"I...uh...hadn't thought of that. Well, I suppose that I'll take a cab back tomorrow. Tonight, you're going to bed and you're not moving for anything."

"Except for the bathroom," Renee supplied.

Lucy nodded. "True. So, you want me to stop by Blockbuster to get a couple of movies?"

"No, that's okay. I have one at home that Steve and I were going to watch tonight..."

"Ohh," the brunette said, not expecting that Renee might have had a date tonight. *I don't know why I wasn't expecting that...I mean, she's extremely attractive and not taken by anyone...sort of...or something. As things stand, I have no room to talk...*

"Maybe you should call me a cab and I'll talk to you later," the blonde suggested.

Lucy cleared her throat and creased her brow. "Absolutely not. We need to drop by the chemist to get you your pain pills and grab the obligatory 'Get Well' stuffed animal. Since you say Steve's coming by tonight, well, I'll stay until he arrives. I'm not leaving you alone and I'm certainly not letting you take a cab home."

Renee turned to regard the cool exteriour of the woman beside her and nearly tripped. Luckily, Lucy was right there to catch her before she tried to put any weight on her bad foot. The brunette wrapped her arms around her co-star and was highly reluctant to let go, especially when Renee looked up at her, her cheeks beginning to turn that delectable shade of crimson.

"THAT's why I'm not leaving you alone..." Lucy said, smiling slightly.

The Texan returned the smile. "Thanks..."

Lucy helped Renee into the passenger-side of her own car, then got in and drove them to the nearest pharmacy.

"Stay right here, okay? I'll be back pronto," the brunette said as she got out of the still-running car and ran in. First thing she did was stop by the stuffed animal section.

*Must get her the obligatory "get well" stuffed animal,* she thought, perusing the veritable zoo. Something caught her eye, hidden in the middle of the trolley. Lucy reached in and gingerly pulled out a tan coloured bear with dark blue eyes. It was just the right size, it being about a foot tall, and comfortably mushy.

*Gotta test it...no ichies, no sneezing, no metal bits. Wonderful,* Lucy smiled, then went to the pharmacist's counter to retrieve Renee's meds.

She stopped herself short as she walked out of the drug store and saw Renee singing at the top of her lungs, the car radio blasting Elton John's “Funeral for a Friend (Love Lies Bleeding)." The blonde was oblivious as she chair-danced and sang. The brunette stifled a laugh as she started towards the driver's side again.

Lucy opened the door and, in a flash, Renee turned down the radio and tried to look nonchalant as the taller actress stepped in and sat. She handed the blonde the bag and tried to not smile.

"I know you saw me, Luce...you can laugh, it's okay," the blonde assured her before she dug into the bag.

The brunette giggled and said, "You look so darn cute-"

"Omigod! She's so cute!!" Renee gasped at the same time when her eyes locked onto the stuffed bear Lucy got her and pulled it out to give it a hug.

Lucy laughed and said, "So, what're you going to call her?"

With hardly a second's thought, she replied, "Juliana."

Lucy smiled at the green eyes that separated themselves from the bear and looked into her soul. She didn't know what to say, what to feel. She gave Renee a bitter-sweet smile, leaned forward, and placed a gentle kiss onto Renee's forehead. She watched as the blonde wrapped Juliana in a strong embrace and sighed wistfully as she turned the key and they drove to Renee's house.

*****

"So, when's Steve supposed to be here?" Lucy asked as she helped Renee settle onto her couch. Kia Ora jumped up and sniffed at the stuffed bear, then rubbed her head against her mistress. Renee smiled sadly and said, "Eight."

Lucy glanced at the clock, which read seven thirty, and sighed. "I'd better call the cab then..."

The call was placed and Lucy got the blonde everything she might need and now they sat opposite each other in silence. Renee played with Kia Ora while clutching the bear close to her chest.

"Is he good to you, Ren?"

"Yes. He's very sweet...kind...a good man," she responded, her sad green eyes saying, *But you were all that, everything, and more.*

"Good..." Lucy returned, happy that Renee found someone who treated her well, but agonized over the fact that it wasn't her. The deep cerulean shined back, *I don't deserve you...maybe we are better off this way...*

The brunette heard a car pulled up and stood to answer the door, knowing it could only be Steve or the cab. She went to the window and peeked outside. "Both Steve and my cab have arrived, Ren," she announced, then, without looking at the blonde, she went to the door and opened it to find the genial bartender about to knock.

"Oh, hi! Lucy, right?" Steve smiled and extended his hand. Lucy couldn't help but return his smile. She leaned forward and gave him a hug, then shouted out to the cab driver, "Be right there!"

She closed the door and lead Steve into Renee's living room. "There she is, the little mummy."

"Huh?" asked Steve, confused.

Renee turned with a bright smile on her face and answered, "I got hurt on set today." She gestured to her wrapped ankle. Steve "ohh poor baby"d her, then leaned down to give her a kiss. Renee tried to move so he would kiss her cheek, but instead received a nice peck on her lips.

Lucy blanched and turned away under the pretense of finding her coat, which was on the side of the couch she occupied. The taxi driver honked his horn.

"You want me to drive you home, Lucy?" Steve asked.

*YES, SO I CAN KEEP YOU AWAY FROM HER!!* "No, thanks...you have to stay here with her. She's not to move for anything...expect the bathroom, and she's supposed to stay off her feet through tomorrow at the least," she replied with a smile as she donned her coat and headed toward the front door, Steve following behind to lock it.

"Thank you for taking care of her, Lucy...I wish I had known about it..." Steve said as they arrived at the door. he opened it to let her out.

Lucy looked at Renee briefly and said, "All that matters is that you're here now, so take good care of her, okay?"

Steve smiled and nodded and Lucy leaned forward and gave him another hug, confident that this good soul would be able to make Renee happy.

"Good-bye," she said, hearing "Good-bye, Luce," from the blonde inside.

Her steps were heavy as she walked the short distance to the cab, and she felt as though something had changed within her. Now, she wasn't so sure she wanted Renee around her...that maybe she would be bad for the sparkling blonde Texan gem.

*Or maybe Xena's getting to me...*

*****

Her movements were mechanical and her own voice seemed distant. Even the feel of Renee's fingers interlaced with her own seemed far away. She didn't feel attached to anything except her dark thoughts.

The take was printed and the day's shoot ended and, mutely, Lucy stepped away to the costume trailer to get into her street clothes. She had to go home and get ready for her date with Rob Tapert that night.

She thought she could feel Renee's emerald gaze on her retreating back, asking her questions that she wasn't able to answer aloud. She needed time to sort through this new feeling before she offer the blonde anything concrete.

~~~~~
Chapter Four
The Engagement

"Daisy, would you come here a moment, please?" Lucy asked. She heard the 'music' her daughter was listening to shut off, then the teenager walked out of her room and met her mother in the living room.

"Was the music too loud, mum?" she asked.

Lucy smiled and gestured to the couch. "Not at all, sweetie...I just have something I need to talk to you about."

Her brow creased on puzzled concern, Daisy sat down facing her mother, preparing herself for whatever her mother had to say.

"What do you think about Rob?"

"Honestly?" the teen asked. Her mother nodded enthusiastically.

Daisy bit her lip in thought, then replied, "I think he's annoying. He was always calling me to find out about you..." The teen gasped and asked, "Are you breaking up with him? She sounded...hopeful.

"I...I thought you liked him! I mean, when I told you that I was going out with him, you said 'God, finally...'" Lucy replied, taken aback.

Daisy laughed. "Only cuz that meant he would stop calling me to spy on you...and he did!"

She canted her head to the side and asked, "Why? What's going on, mum?"

Lucy smiled and sighed, then said, "Well, we're getting married."

"Huh," the teen returned. "What about Renee?"

"What are you talking about?" her mother asked, taken aback yet again.

"Well, I mean, you guys were dating pretty hot and heavy there for a while and then POOF! she's gone...I mean, what's up with that?"

"We weren't d-d-dating, honey..."

Daisy laughed again. "C'mon mum...you don't need to hide anything from me...it was totally obvious. You two looked good together."

The brunette laughed in relief then said, "Okay, yes..Renee and I were together for a while, but some things have happened and now I'm with Rob.
"What, he and I don't look good together?"

"He's kinda nerdy, mum...and clingy...and psycho-like..."

Lucy laughed again, making her daughter smile. Daisy got serious and added, "Maybe I'm just a kid and maybe you don't think I know about these things, but I don't think Rob will make you as happy as Renee did..."

The teen stood and kissed her mother on the cheek. "G'night."

She sat there and thought about what her daughter had said...

Something finally broke in Lucy...it was her heart. She had fooled herself into believing that everything would be okay, but once she saw Steve kiss her former lover, she knew otherwise. In her selfishness, she hurt everything.

*I'm not worthy of her love. I couldn't, I didn't, trust her when I should have, so what does that say about me? Maybe she's better off without me...maybe Steve will make her happy, give her everything that she needs and make her forget about me. She needs to...*

*****

After the sixth date, and the ten thousandth marriage proposal from Rob, she accepted, her heart heavy but her expression light.

*If I bind myself to him then I can't hurt anyone again.*

Now came the hardest part...announcing the news to the crew while trying to play it happy. She stood there, her hands clasped in front of her as Rob announced it to the gathered cast and crew, Renee among them.

"A lot of you have come up to me the past couple of days asking me if what you heard was true whether Lucy and I are getting married. Well, this is rumour control, and I'm here, we're here, to tell you that, yes...it is true. Lucy and I will be getting married very soon!"

Surprised, and reserved, applause broke out among the crowd. Lucy couldn't bring herself to look at Renee immediately, but when she did, she saw what she figured was a mirror-image of herself. A happy facade with the saddest eyes on a human.

After the announcement, the crowd dispersed to continue filming and talk among themselves. Lucy sat alone and stared out at the world around her, not watching anything.

"What are you doing, Lucy?" the blonde whispered as she walked up behind her.

"I'm freeing you."

"What?" Renee asked, indignant.

Lucy turned towards her, but kept her head down. "I'm freeing you. I don't want you to be tied to someone like me, Ren. I don't want to hurt you anymore, I don't want to hurt anyone who could possibly come into my life romantically after you, and I don't want Rob to cause anyone more harm..."

"You selfish-argh!" Renee exclaimed, spinning around in place in her frustration. "Again, you go and do something completely irrational without discussing it with me first. The only reason I can't trust you is because you can't seem to trust me. Is everything you've ever said to me a lie? It must be since you're making yourself Love's Martyr...
"FUCK!!!!"

Lucy could feel the tears pouring down her own cheeks as Renee walked away from her, anger rolling off her in waves. The crew parted like the Red Sea for the blonde and watched the brunette. Rob was among the crew and he rushed to Lucy's side.

"Lucy, are you okay?" he asked as she stood and wiped her tears away, then pushed past him and walked to her trailer without a word. She knew he was following her and wanted an answer about what happened. She left the door open when she walked in so he could follow suit, then she sat.

"What was that all about, Luce?" he asked, no trace of saccharine sweetness or malintent in his voice, only concern.

The brunette only looked at him and watched as a realization dawned on his face. "Oh...shit..."

She mirthlessly laughed and shook her head at she swiveled in her chair to look at herself in the mirror.

"Well...uh...you want to, uh, I dunno...invite her to the wedding?" he asked, haltingly, unsure.

Lucy closed her eyes. *He's just trying to help. He doesn't know what to do...*

"I mean, it wouldn't hurt to ask, right?" he added. She nodded, her eyes downcast. Rob kissed her temple, then turned and left to leave her alone in her thoughts.

She proceeded to bury the part of her that protested loudly and thus entombed her heart.

*****

"Okay, thanks, Renee! I really appreciate it! I know Lucy does, too. G'night!" she overheard Rob say as he hung up the phone in his office. She hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but she did...and she couldn't believe what she'd heard.

Rob invited Renee and Steve to the wedding.

It's not that she didn't want her there, but she didn't. Only because she wanted to go through this as quickly as humanly possible with little trouble for herself...now, well...

She sighed.

*It's only right she be there, her eyes burning into me, reminding me of my deceit. I'm actually glad Rob invited her...maybe she can shift her hate to me only.*

~~~~~
Chapter Five
The Wedding

Lucy tried her best to be the happiest bride in the world, but she only felt misery. When she met the eyes of the fellow revelers, the folks celebrating the most holy union of Rob Tapert and Lucy Lawless, she erected a wall, so none could see the pain she was in.

None except for Renee.

The Texan approached Lucy during the reception and gave her a hug, but whispered in her ear, "I'm sorry."

The brunette nearly dropped to her knees in tears, but instead bent to look into jade eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yeah, I do...my childish outburst...it was warranted, completely called for, but I shouldn't have done that. That's what this whole thing is about...our journey. It's about discovering ourselves and I think that a part of you will find the next part of the puzzle with Rob," Renee replied, trying to keep the volume low enough that no one except Lucy could hear her.

She did...and replied to the blonde with a gentle and short kiss on her lips.

"That was oddly familiar," Renee said.

Lucy smiled, thinking of the episode "Return of Callisto." She nodded, then wrapped the blonde in her arms and gave her another hug, one of reassurance and strength.

"I'm here for you, I'll always be here for you, no matter what happens in our personal lives in the future. I love you," Renee said, then slowly walked back to Steve so Lucy could continue to receive her guests.

She smiled, a genuine expression. No matter what, she would always have a true and good friend in Renee...so this life journey, and whatever lesson she had to learn this time 'round, wouldn't be so bad with such amazing support.

Briefly, she thought about the future the possibility of having children, the End of Xena, other projects to tackle and have fun with...and she felt a weight lift from her shoulders. She was no longer under the pressure of Discovery.

She had wanted to rush everything so she could get back to Renee, but now she realized that the most important thing isn't how fast you were, but that you finished the race. The brunette knew she had a lot to learn and no matter what, she'd still have Renee in her life. So, she exhaled and restarted her journey.

~~~~~

"Wow," the waiter said, exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Yeah," Lucy replied, a thoughtful smile on her face. "I really shouldn't have been so afraid to tell my loved ones about Renee. I really underestimated them."

"Especially Daisy."

"Especially Daisy..." Lucy repeated in agreement. The loose strings of her life were starting to come together in the most spectacular of ways and her heart started to beat truly once again.

"But...I mean..."

"Yeah...I know."

The brunette stood and crossed to the window and watched as Dave gathered their discarded dishes and put them onto the trolley.

"How could you have even the slightest bit of hope after that year?" Dave asked.

Lucy smiled. "Because I finally gave myself the freedom to learn about myself. I had to figure out why I had been so reticent about telling everyone that I love Renee... I was scared and confused about everything. It's easy to say, as a listener or bystander, 'Oh, that's just plain stupid', but in the heat of the moment, it seems logical..."

There was silence in the hotel room as the two occupants thought about what she said.

"I'm gonna take this down to the kitchen and I'll be back in about fifteen minutes...okay, Ms. Lawless?" Dave, the waiter, asked.

She turned toward him and nodded and watched as he, with a thoughtful expression, wheeled the cart out of the room. She sighed.

*Hind sight is twenty-twenty...* she thought as she turned back to look out of her window.

end part three
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